RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#385: The Epic of the Garlic Sausage Apocalypse
I have been sitting on this story for five years. Now, the true tale can finally be told.
Some folks don’t like their mother-in-law. I do! I am very lucky to have a great, generous and fun mother-in-law. She’s also very proper and old fashioned, Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom, so sometimes she will be easily shocked. For example, she refuses to say the word “fart”, considering is as vulgar as another f-word. Instead she prefers the word “puup”. A word she used frequently during the night of the Garlic Sausage Apocalypse.
She had come to spend the weekend, visiting us in our little apartment. It might be small but it’s usually big enough for the three of us. Not on the weekend of the Garlic Sausage Apocalypse.
Jen and her mom went to the Kitchener farmer’s market that morning and picked up some goodies. The apple fritters there are excellent, especially when still warm, so they picked up two boxes of those. Fresh veggies, fresh meat, all natural unpasteurized local apple cider, and four huge links of smoked garlic sausage (about two pounds of meat, garlic and spices). It was, as they say, the proverbial successful trip. Much of the time they are sold out of that garlic sausage. I immediately tucked into a full link and called it lunch. I ate close to half a box of apple fritters and called that dessert.
By the end of the day, I had almost finished two links of delicious smoked kilbassa by myself. Jen and her mom were watching something on TV, but I was feeling a bit gassy to say the least. Given the contents of my stomach, fermenting and being transformed by bacteria into a lovely melange of methane, you could smell me every time I had to let one go. The farts were frequent and supercharged. Whatever pills we had in the house were not helping. And like I said earlier, it’s a small apartment.
The explosions were occurring approximately every five minutes. To me, all I could smell was the fondly remembered scent of garlic, pork and methane. All Jen and her mom could smell was rotting death-like fumes of evil. And they were all coming from my ass! Jen threatened to get on a bus and “buy a cork”. Of the two of them, Jen was definitely the most offended. “This is the last time we are bringing you garlic sausage I swear to God!” There was nothing I could do to stop it. Leaving the room to evacuate my colon of gas didn’t help; the mere act of getting up and moving was enough to squeeze one out. Faced with a lack of options (and starting to feel a little queezy myself) I called it an early night and went to bed.
The next part of this story has been assembled from testimony by Jen and her mother.
Mrs. LeBrain and her mom watched television peacefully after I retired for the evening. I was asleep quickly, but the body continues to digest your food and expel gas even after you fall asleep. Whether your spouses believe you or not, people do fart in their sleep, and my ass quickly turned the bedroom into a chemistry lab gone awry.
A short while later, in the living room, Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom smelled something. Sniffing the air for a clue, she was repelled by the odour.
“Jennifer! Did you just puup?”
“No mom,” replied Jen, but picking up the scent as well. “I thought it was you but I didn’t want to say anything!”
“Then what is that gawd-forsaken smell??” queried her mom.
Jen knew but did not want to face the truth. “Oh God! It’s Mike!”
“Isn’t the bedroom door closed?” asked her mom.
“YES! Oh God. I have to sleep in there!”
Jen and her mom discussed the situation but agreed that there was only one couch large enough to comfortably sleep on. Her mom is very wise, and knew how to deal with the situation. “Just put some perfume on your arm,” she advised. “When you go to bed, just sleep with your arm near your nose, and that will help.” Good advice, but it was not enough to protect her from the stench.
When it was bed time for Jen, she took a deep breath, held it and entered the Den of Death.
I guess the old perfume on the arm trick worked in the long run, because she did fall asleep. Meanwhile, I was oblivious to all of this, happily dreaming of guitars and lightsabers. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I had no idea that anything was amiss.
It only took me one second to realize something was very wrong. The bedroom was filled with a heavy, pungent cloud. It had penetrated every cubic inch of the room; it was inescapable. It was also immediately identifiable as the scent of garlic, sausage, and my intestines. And it was still being produced, I discovered, as I tooted once more upon leaving the bed.
I went about my morning business and settled into the computer room to check my email. I was only appalled further when I ascertained that the entire house smelled of garlic sausage sphincters. It wasn’t as intense as the bedroom, but it was detectable in the air.
It may have been winter, but I cracked the window in the computer room and began the fumigation process.
What of Jen and her mom? They did survive, although neither of them really know how they did it. The inner strength of those two women must have carried them through the night. In the morning, they implemented a two-year ban on buying garlic sausage. I can’t say that I disagreed with their ruling, in light of all the horrible evidence surrounding us!
Kenny Vs. Spenny episode season 4 ep. 2 – “Who Can Blow the Biggest Fart?” – a must see companion piece to my true and horrifying story.
Good grief, Mike! I assume that garlic sausage has been off the menu since!
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No it was only a 2 year ban. I have to be honest though — I don’t find it as appetizing as I used to. And no more full links for lunch!
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I’m not surprised – I’m put off them myself now. Ha!
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You and 80smetalman both! I apologize to the garlic sausage makers of the world.
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Ha – headlines in the industry newsletters read that the garlic sausage business is at an all-time low! It’ll take the industry years to recover …
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Oh man now I feel guilty ;)
I may create some vegetarians today. You never know, the day is young.
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I’ll never eat garlic sausage again. Great tale Mike!
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Hahahaha …good stuff Mikey! Love the title!
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Thanks buddy just be glad you don’t live in this area code! Thunder Bay was a safe place to be that night.
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Mike I’ll confess I didn’t read – I saw the comment saying ‘I’ll never eat sausage again’ and your stop signs and thought, I like garlic sausage too much to risk it.
So I “like” the, to borrow a VH title, Fair warning you gave us readers!
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Good call my friend! That is exactly what the stop signs were for. Thanks for the like Geoff!
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And yet you go to Sausagefest every year.
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Oh dear. That’s nasty. Courtesy window opening should have happened way earlier. Don’t you sleep with a window open in winter? Weird. I thought everyone did.
One Christmas my Dad and I drank A LOT of black sambuca and watched the world juniors hockey. When I could no longer be upright, I went to bed. My lovely wife came to bed later, said she could hardly stand the room – it reeked of black licorice. She complains about that to this day – after this story I am going to tell her she definitely had it better than Jen did. ;)
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Sleep with a window open in the winter? No, who does that?
Jen is pleased that so many of you enjoyed this story. She wants some good to come out that night.
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I have been known to open a window at night, in winter. Fresh air helps sleep.
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I had never thought of that!
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I swear by it. Lovely to have air moving in the room. Especially in winter, everything gets so stale, dusty (and smelling of farts, apparently) in the house when it’s all hermetically sealed up for months on end. I’ve always got a window open a little bit somewhere.
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I think this is the funniest post I’ve ever read from you. I was chuckling all through it. It doesn’t make me want to stay away from garlic sausage at all. In fact, it has created a bit of a craving.
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Thanks Zack :) Mission accomplished! Much appreciated.
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My husband has turned onto Habitant pea soup for lunch every Sunday. And with his supercharged ass hole, what a stench! I know all about the farts! And Kilbassa? Lord Jesus, it’s a fire! The whole house smells of farty garlicky sausage! Great story!
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Thanks Sarca :) I’m glad to finally get this one out there!
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Hey! I felt the couch vibrate from your direction too!
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Oh my god, brutal! And this coming from someone who has to drive home with the windows rolled down in -30 degrees because my husband’s suffering from “ham farts’!
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HAM FARTS! Oh my God that’s awesome. I don’t know what “ham farts” smell like but I can imagine.
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Update: My husband made chicken wings tonight. There is a fire in the hole, so to speak, and now the house smells. Bring out the febreeze!
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Was he in agony on the thone? I watched a video of a guy pooping cactus.
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Same guy who ate the Haribo gummies? Oh man!
No, just mostly gas. But it stunk!
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Same guy, I subscribed to his Youtube. I had to stop after that Haribo one.
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Also may I just add that I’m glad you hadn’t eaten entire links of sausages before our Taranna trip. You would be banned from my lovely wife’s car.
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Oh God. I’ve already befouled her car once. I don’t want any wrath!
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Slightly belated response from the world of Munchkin:
https://jatstorey.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/fire-gut.
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YOU WIN.
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