Re-enactments of actual in-store events
#408: Record Store Tales – The Movie
On our old store applications/music test, one of the questions we asked was, “Who would play you in the movie of your life?” (It may have said “musical of your life”, I don’t quite remember exactly.) We had some good answers to the question. I always said that if I had taken the test, I would have answered “Meat Loaf”.
The musical or movie of my life would have be centred on Record Store Tales, obviously. That would require a lot of creative casting in order to fully capture the eccentric personalities. We couldn’t just try to re-capture the vibe of High Fidelity or Empire Records. We would strive for finding the perfect actors for the roles.
In addition to writing and producing the feature, I would also insist upon the last word when it comes to casting. I’ll be a control freak a-la E.L. James on set. I would seek out Martin Scorsese to direct.
The movie would not be without its challenges. How, for example, do we film the famous Open Door Shit scene? I would insist on it being in the movie. Otherwise, what’s the point of it? I would throw a Christian Bale-sized temper tantrum if it were to be cut. We’d also have to get permission to use a lot of great songs, which can be tricky to secure.
But what about the cast? This is how I picture it.
- T-Rev – Brad Pitt
- The Owner – Joe Flaherty (as Guy Caballero)
- Iron Tom Sharpe –
Jon Snowerr I mean Kit Harington - Uncle Meat – Rip Torn
- Aaron – Jason Statham
- She Who Shall Not Be Named – Since Margaret Hamilton is dead, we will have to audition this role.
- Joe Big Nose – His lookalike of course, David Schwimmer. If Schwimmer is unavailable, we go down the list to Freddie Prinze Jr.
- Dandy Douche – Andy Dick
- Jonathan the Accountant – Romany Malco
- Mrs. LeBrain – Kate Upton
- Annoying solicitors – Tom Cruise and John Travolta
- and featuring Meat Loaf Aday as “LeBrain”
What about you? Who would you like to play you in the movie or musical of your life? Consider it deeply and leave a comment!
BWahhaaaa! Aaron as Jason Statham…good one!
Hmm. I’m too old for Jennifer Lawrence, too young for Julia Roberts…Amy Adams?
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I really liked that Statham picture but Aaron wanted one with no shirt on! Fortunately as writer creator producer, I picked the photo I liked best.
Amy Adams can be you, sure!
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Correction: Statham shirtless, oiled up, and kicking 15 guys’ asses all at once! ;)
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I couldn’t fit that epic ass kicking in one thumbnail pic! ;)
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I know, it’s hard to contain all my awesome ass-kicking-ness in anything.
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Much less a teeny thumbnail.
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Maybe Alison Brie, Sarca!
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Ha, thanks, Aaron. At least you don’t think I look like Margaret Hamilton lol
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Ha nope, I think she’d be great. And she was on Mad Men!
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Okay, let’s go with Alison. She’d have to wear hazel green contacts and a prosthetic fanny though if we’re going for a literal look…LOL
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Actually you could get Olivia Munn to play you.
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Hah, no. She is too tanned. I need a paler actress to play me.
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Neither does She Who Shall Not be Named, but Margaret could played the role. She even used to refer to us as “My pretties” in emailed memos. Yup. Like a glove.
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Jeepers, Mike with the Upton and Munn!
Nothing a little time in the sun wouldn’t cure, Sarca! :)
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Yes, lobster-burn Sarca…LOL
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Hey have you had McLobster yet this summer?
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No, Raunchy Ronnie’s hasn’t touched these lips in 15 years, yo! I am intrigued by the McLobster, but not enough to go to McDo’s.
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No judgment, of course. Just, my digestive tract is…delicate…
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Understandable. I do love me some McLobster. Tomorrow’s the last day.
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I really like Olivia Munn. She’s really funny.
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I like her. That works!
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Impressive cast. As for me, I’d go the more controversial route. No one would play me because I wouldn’t want that type of film. Instead, I would want a film about my life done as a documentary produced and directed by Michael Moore. Moore is very good at telling one side of the story in his films and I would want my side only to be told. I would insist on a guest commentary spot by Jello Biafra. The problem of the soundtrack would be which songs not to include, there would be that many.
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That would be an interesting film. Would you do it in the normal Michael Moore style where he walks around talking and annoying people?
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Somewhat in the Moore tradition. There certainly have been people in my life who I would like to see him go up to and annoy.
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Just make sure it’s filmed in Michigan, otherwise I can’t see it happening!
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That’s that idea for a film gone. I’ve never been anywhere near Michigan in the whole of my life. Of course, if we were to film in New Jersey where I grew up, he would find some way to stick Michigan into it.
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This is a fun game. I love how you chose Kate Upton for Mrs. LeBrain, very slick. I’m thinking perhaps John Cusack for myself.
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Nice one with Cusack. And he works in a record shop… wait, has that already been done?
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Young Cusack or Cusack today?
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Both. Cusack today for me now and young Cusack for the flashbacks. I don’t know how they would do that but hey, since it’s purely academic…
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Well they’d use CG, like Brett Ratner did with Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan in the 3rd X-Men film.
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Of course, they would. Not that it would take much. Cusack still looks pretty young.
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Yeah he does. Jason Bateman is another guy who can play lots of ages.
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This is great! I agree with jprobichaud, Upton for your lady is a great move! :) (Admission: I had to Google her to see who she even is, but still, good call! I still chuckle at you choosing Meat Loaf for yourself. Oh man.
As for the movie of my life? No idea. Now I can’t get Statham out of my head, so we’ll go with that, it’s a perfect fit! haha yeah. I see it all as an action movie, rooftop chase scene in Montreal, car crashes and explosion in Saskatoon, a big battle royale on a boat out on Georgian Bay… quick, someboy call Hollywood! I have true stories to tell!
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But who shall play James? I see him as Jason Momoa.
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Hawksley Workman would own the role of James.
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I think Steven Page kinda looks like him….
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Hm I dunno. You think? I wonder what James would say! James?
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She Who Shall Not Be Named-Kathy Bates?
Did it feel like your hands were tied working for her?
Did she like the song Sledgehammer?
Did she bring you misery?
You better believe it Buster. ;)
For me, I would choose Jack Black. His genuine love of Dio sealed the deal.
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Good call man! JB can play any role! Look at King Kong.
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I’d be Charlie Sheen.
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Nice one. What will you use for tiger blood?
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House cat blood!
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Winning!
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Brilliant. Meat Loaf is a tad off the map these days, eh? I could see him shaving his head and wielding a machete after the obligatory ‘fade out’ and ‘blah blah years later’ scenario.
I’d have to go for Danny DeVito and Christopher Walken playing me (young and old – after the ‘fade out’ and ‘blah blah years later’, of course). It’d be directed by Guillermo del Toro, cause I can’t imagine anyone else accurately capturing my clash with the Minotaur in the dark and wet streets of Glasgow’s southside.
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Brilliant! Just brilliant. Maybe Terry Gilliam should direct, though.
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Oh heck no, you don’t want Gilliam. The production would have nothing but problems and then likely not even get made… or take a decade and be way too late.
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Good shout! Inspired choice, Mike! Old del Toro can ‘guest’ direct the Minotaur scence, though.
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Sure why not? You know I’ve never seen one of his movies, but my sister says Pan’s Labyrinth is amazing.
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Really!? Wow. Really pretty impressed you’ve managed to avoid a del Toro flick (especially given two of them are Hellboy and Pacific Rim). I’d recommend Pan’s Labyrinth and Cronos too. Damn fine moviefilms
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Having considered it very deeply I’d go for Kyle Gass from Tenacious D.
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But your character is entirely CG.
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Tits or destiny Mike.
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Wait…Mighty KG? You workout, right? LOL
Will we be lasering off our D tattoos and replacing them with lego-heads?
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Those aren’t tattoos. They’re birthmarks.
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You got it!
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I woulda gone with KG in that scene.
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He’s the man.
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I think he’s the secret weapon.
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We are the D!
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Alright, I think for me it would have to be Ashton Kutcher circa the Butterfly Effect
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I’d go with Gary Busey pre-accident.
All you guys are picking hot people to play you. Why not pick someone not super attractive so that when people that’ve seen the movie and look up the real person they’re pleasantly surprised?
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