Blu-ray REVIEW: Transformers – Dark of the Moon (2011)

Old review from the archives dug up for your enjoyment.  Apologies to the regular music readers, but I’ve decided to post my reviews for the first three Transformers movies…but in reverse order.  Because fuck these movies.

Scan_20160421TRANSFORMERS – Dark of the Moon (2011 Paramount)

Directed by Michael Bay

As I sat there finishing the third Transformers movie, I thought to myself, “Does Michael Bay ever take himself seriously?” I mean, the dialogue here is so juvenile and stupid, the characters are more one-dimensional than ever (how is that even possible?), and every inch of film is so stupidly overblown, it’s beyond ridiculous. It’s like giving very expensive movie making equipment to a child with a Bart Simpson streak.  Welcome to the Bay-verse, where one can walk away from a flaming car wreck with no injuries, and no idea what the hell the story is!

The plot, such as it is, revolves around the discovery of Sentinel Prime (voice of Leonard Nimoy and Autobot mentor to Optimus) on our moon by Neil Armstrong and the crew of the Apollo 11. Sentinel has something (yet another “McGuffin” in this series – a generic object that the protagonists and antagonists seek) that can save Cybertron (again). But there’s more than meets the eye and things are not always what they seem! Funny though how Earth always seems to be the epicentre of all Transformers plots and schemes.  Are we a magnet for alien assholes?

Though it is the worst of the first three in the series, Dark of the Moon was a marginal improvement in some minor ways.  Many of the most annoying characters (Sam’s annoying parents, the hip-hop-bots) are toned down in movie #3.  The plot is still a confounding mess in a universe that defies all logic and physics.  It’s all there to support a massive end battle that takes up almost half of the movie. Is that battle spectacular to watch? Oh, sure, I guess so.  Can it hold your attention? No. After about half of the end battle had transpired, I was begging for this movie to please just fucking end.

I have to say though, Rosie Huntington-Whitely is an upgrade over Megan Fox. Something about British accents. Bad British acting always trumps bad American acting.  The cast is rounding out by Frances McDormand (also wasted here), John Malkovich (criminally wasted), Patrick Dempsey (meh) and of course John Turturro who always should have more screen time.

A thudding end to a disappointing trilogy.

1.5/5 stars

Oh, and by the by — no special features!  On the Blu-ray!  You suck, Bay!

66 comments

  2. Nice one, Mike. Completely agree that this was the worst of those Shia-era flicks, while being less annoying on some levels. Still dreadful, though. I actually fairly enjoyed the first one. Still do, actually …

    … what’s your opinion on the Turtles flick?

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      1. I thought the Turtles was the best thing he’s made. No question. Big set pieces are there, but it’s not wrapped up in too much movie and it was a whole loaf of fun.

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        3. OK fine ;)

          Last year, you requested that I post my old “glowing” review of the first Transformers movie from 10 years ago. Remember that? Well that’s the next one I’m posting.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Haha reverse order? From worst to beter? I like it.

    I never saw this. In fact, I dunno if I’ve seen all of any of them, but hey, with my limited time to watch, I usually try to pick something of more value. Or cheesy kung fu flicks. I love those…

    Anyway, I’ll take your word for all of this. If I ever see it, I’ll come back here and re-read this.

    Also: “Rosie Huntington-Whitely is an upgrade over Megan Fox.” Because she is engaged to Statham. ‘Nuff said.

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  4. There actually is a special feature not mentioned. This blu ray can double as a frisbee, a dig chew toy, or even a small cutting board. I have only watched a few minutes of the entire series, mainly because I like the Bumblebee Camaro. (Apparently it was originally a VW Beetle. That would have made for some thrilling 40 mph chase scenes)

    I am surprised you did not do a Star Wars themed post.

    I quite enjoy the soundtrack to this movie. (The) Dark (Side) Of The Moon.

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    1. I didn’t have any new Star Wars content ready for today. I missed the boat!

      Did you get my email last night? DLaw is going to help you out to get that interview.

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        7. Whenever I see those things the dealer sticker is often from Listowel, the dude has a muscle shirt, cowboy boots and is blasting country music.

          YEEEEEE HAAAAA

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        11. I grew up 15 minutes from there, in Gorrie. Our family doctor was there. We still have friends there, but they don’t drive pickups and there are no cars on blocks in their front yard.

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        12. What I know of Listowel is just from our stops to and from the cottage. I know there are some incredibly beautiful old houses there. And a disproportionate number of tattoo shops.

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        13. There was a dude in K Dub this week that burned his parents house down this week cooking meth. He ran back in many times and is now covered in 3rd degree burns, and will go to jail when he recovers.
          Ohhh, and his parents insurance won’t cover the damage so they’re screwed too.

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        15. Yeah, some of the homes there are gorgeous old red brick places. Same as here in my town now, when the shipping money was here, they built some wonderful homes…

          My enduring memory of high school and that town was that they didn’t have an instrumental music program, just a choir, so when me and some buddies put some songs together and played their talent show as a 4-piece jazz band, we were like friggin’ rock stars.

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        19. Bwahahah it’s all good! I believe Helix formed in Listowel. The drummer Bruce Arnold formed the band and I believe they were originally called the Helix Field Band because they played in the sports field.

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        26. Jazz stars, yeah. They were just mesmerized by the fact we could play our instruments. They REALLY liked Sweet Georgia Brown, that one I remember clearly. I used to do basketball tricks (spinning the ball on my finger, over my shoulders, etc) during the other players’ solos. Crazy nights.

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        30. If I lived in Listowel, and went to LDSS, I would be getting a committee together to get Helix to redo the Helix Field Band for the next school anniversary.

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