#821: The Lost Chapters – “Top Ten Bad Albums by Great Artists” (2004)

GETTING MORE TALE #821: The Lost Chapters
“Top Ten Bad Albums by Great Artists” (2004)

 

I found this previously unpublished entry in my old Record Store Journal. Not sure how I missed it during Record Store Tales! This came via a challenge from Dan Slessor of Kerrang! magazine. Have a read. A few of these albums would still make my lists today.

Date: 2004/10/03 

Dan asked me to throw together a top 100 crappy albums list, but I just couldn’t do it. Instead he asked for a top 10 bad albums by great artists. I threw one together in about 10 minutes. So while this is not my DEFINITIVE list, it is a fun read.

1. AC/DC – Blow Up Your Video
OK, this is understandable. Malcolm Young was so ill he didn’t do the tour for this record. Angus even suffered exhaustion on this tour. It was just a boring, bluesy, slow AC/DC record with only a couple notable singles. Slow AC/DC just doesn’t cut it, does it?  [Still disappointing, but not an all-time worst today.]

2. Motley Crue – New Tattoo
Even worse than Generation Swine, New Tattoo proved that it was Tommy Lee in fact who made the Motley Crue sound, NOT Vince Neil. Without Tommy, the band produced a piece of less-than-mediocre, soundalike crap. Randy Castillo (RIP) could not save this band, nor could Samantha Maloney. Weak songs, weak production, weak drum and guitar sounds.  [Would still make my list in 2020.]

 3. Black Sabbath – Forbidden
The final Sabbath studio album was recorded in a few weeks, and sounds like it was written in those weeks too. Ernie C (a guitar player from Body Count) produced it like a demo, and brought in Ice T to rap. I’m serious. [Would still make my list in 2020.]

4. KISS – Hot In The Shade
It was Gene & Paul aiming for the goal posts again, and featured a harder rock sound and three great singles. What it also featured were 12 bad songs, and demo-like production. No wonder! Most of the album WAS a demo. [Would still make my list in 2020.]

5. Jimmy Page – Outrider
WOW. Maybe it’s not so bad on the surface, but coming from the greatest rock songwriter ever, this is just sub, sub, SUB standard. Robert Plant lent a hand, for all the good it did.  [Been too long since I’ve listened.]

6. Vince Neil – Carved In Stone
“Rock n’ roll hip-hop record”. That’s all you need to know. [Not significant enough to make my list today.]

7. Guns N’ Roses – The Spaghetti Incident?
A covers album is a tricky deal to start with, and Guns at least picked 12 interesting covers. A 13th “hidden” Charles Manson tune marred the whole thing, as did the lacklustre performance and production. Really, only one song has any spark, and it’s actually a solo track by Duff! [A covers album would not make my list today.]

8. Deep Purple – Abandon
Maybe it’s unfair to include it in this list, but I was colossally disappointed when it came out. The previous record Purpendicular was so good, it felt like 1970 again. Abandon felt like a tired band who had given up trying to write good songs. Nothing could be further from the truth of course, but the results still left me underwhelmed. [Would not make the list today.  I’ve warmed to it since 2004.]

9. Geoff Tate – Geoff Tate
When a singer from a God-like band puts out a solo album, it had better shine. Geoff Tate of Queensryche instead chose to do a dancey, new-agey synth album which completely alienated his fans and may in fact prove to be the nail in his career coffin. [Still pretty awful but not really significant enough to make my list anymore.]

10. Halford – Resurrection
I’m gonna catch hell for this one. I stand by it, however. The lyrics are worse than juvenile (Priest’s are only mildly juvenile) and the songwriting and production are so generic. Thanks a lot, Bob Marlette! You proceeded to wreck so many albums…let’s not forget Alice Cooper’s Brutal Album Planet.  [Still cheesy but not bad.]

Wanna know this list in 2020?  That’s another story for another day!

130 comments

    1. Well, of course! That’s not a bad album by a great artist. Blaze’s presence in the band disqualified Iron Maiden from being great artists during his tenure. They were back to being great again when Bruce Bruce returned.

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        2. Be careful growling. We may have to start calling you Bearrison.

          Are we gonna power load LeBrain’s comment section tonight so that he’s horrified by tomorrow morning to see 50+ comments from just us?

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        3. Not sure. That’s going to depend on how much you insult Blaze. Alternatively you could tell me about the latest completely weird thing that happened to you.

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        4. I walked into the woods with my headphones on recently only to realize that I was walking through a hunting ground and an archery range. I was hoping that I didn’t get an arrow to the chest. It was very scary. What about you, I don’t hear many stories from your life.

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        5. That is funny and worrying at the same time. Glad nothing morbid came of it. Although I am curious as to how the wouldn’t be any warning signs. I guess the reason you don’t hear much about my life is because this is LeBrain’s blog, and I wouldn’t want to just piggyback on his posts with my own stories just underneath.

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        6. You’re his friend. You’re a part of his life. That means your stories are his stories. We’re all rockers. We share common history, homie. We’re one big rocking family!

          A got a good documentary for you to watch. I picked it up during the Criterion sale last month. It’s a film by the name of Hoop Dreams. Riveting real life drama. You can’t make it up. May not feel as personal to you since it takes place in urbanized U.S., but it’s impossible not to get involved in the story of those two families.

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        7. True, but I’ll leave it to Lebrain to decide when said stories are relevant/needed, such as the Sultans of Ping one (Shameless self-plug).

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        9. That was the highlight of this friendship to me. Being able to do something that meant that much to you.

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        12. Here’s one from way back in the day. I may have been ten at the time. My buddy and I found this magic wand looking tubular thing in the creek, but it turned out to be a sort of water sprayer that you pull back to suck up water and push to release at high velocities from the pressure.

          There was this water by the side of the road that we used to piss in when we didn’t want to go home to pee. Once my buddy even had me play lookout for cars and he took a dump in that muddy water.

          Anyway we started spraying this dirty water everywhere for poops and giggles. Having an absolute ball. Just then a white truck is about to drive by. He lived across the street. I sucked up the shit water and was planning to spray it right behind his truck just to mess with him. Well I did and then there was a gust of wind, and the brown mud piss shit water splattered all over the side of this dude’s immaculate white truck. We bailed out of there and the dude never said anything about it. He must have hated my guts though. He moved soon after that.

          Speaking of poop and creeks one time my buddy took a shit in some leaves and then threw it down in the creek directly in front of me. Creek poop. He didn’t know I was down there, so one of my friends has hurled poo poo at me. I have better stories but I’m having trouble thinking of some of the later more extravagant ones.

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        15. Now I’m remembering the stupid things that I used to do with my friends. I have several other interesting stories that I can’t think of, mostly dealing with nuts people at night or taking on dangerous takes with zero regard for my own personal safety. But here’s another charming one from childhood.

          We were freshmen in high school, the same year that a notorious national outlaw biker gang visited my town (won’t say which one or why on here) and donated a bunch of money to our school band. And it wasn’t a big town. It was around this time of year the boys and I were hanging out, a little sooner because it was right before daylight savings time began. It was dark out and we were causing ruckus around the neighborhood. When one guy hops inside a garbage can that you would put out by the curb, and it was one of those big plastic ones that you can lift up the lids.

          So he got inside one and had somebody roll out into the middle of the street. He crouched down inside of a trash can. He was going to wait until somebody drove by and then he was going to pop out and scare them. Well he peaked out and saw a car coming from a ways away and chickened out. He couldn’t get out of the trash can though. So he grabbed the sides and started trying to hop his way back to the driveway. It was a hell of a funny sight.

          When we were in middle school there was a character. Here you go. This is a god damn gold mine. Let’s just call him Dallas. That’s not his name, but I’m protecting it on here. He was the bad kid. He was keen to make fun of everyone, he smoked at 13, including tobacco and other things. He got expelled during our first semester of high school, but I’d talk to him when I had a class with him because he was hilarious in his stupidity. Eventually I had to cut all ties with him because he just strayed too far off the straight and narrow, but I laughed a lot when he was there.

          He used to do this voice, where it would be part gravel smoker, part the most sarcastic thing you’ve ever heard, with a breathiness to it as well. This voice annoyed all of our teachers, some of the students hated it as well, but it was a like a disease. Anyone that heard it had to start doing it at least a little. Sometimes to this day I or people I know slip into that voice inadvertently when we’re around each other. Maybe I’ll email you a sample of me doing it later.

          Anyway he had these things that he’d say during class. Like when a teacher was lecturing after every pause in the voice he’d give a sarcastic OOO-ooooh!!! As if he found what they were saying interesting. One day in programming we were talking about while loops. The teacher was describing it as something that caused to code to circle back around, and Dallas blurts out “A REEEAAAPEEAATTTT!!!!” And the teacher went, “Yeah, a repeat. Just not in that voice.” He was touched, I mean genuinely surprised that Dallas was participating, but had to correct him.

          One thing he did that made me laugh for like ten minutes is when we had to build a model wind mill in engineering. He was being really normal and quiet that day for some reason, not doing the voice, only saying a few words. Then I grab the materials for the wind mill and I say, “How about we set up over here?” Dallas yells, “HOW ‘BOUT I RIP YOUR ARMS OFF?!!”

          I about pissed myself. Now I can say someone has threatened to rip my arms off. Dallas would say the most profane things in that voice, and then he’d do dumb jokes. Like he’d call people “dummies” and called a teacher named Mrs. Down, Mrs. Up. He also made this sound and beat his chest with his hand and went “UH DEE DEE DEE!!!” in time to his chest beating. I don’t know, it was just hilarious how stupid this guy acted. I can’t remember laughing as much in a school year as I did in eighth grade.

          During our home room sometimes we’d have silent reading in the cafeteria. We would all sit together and giggle, and the Vice Principal would patrol angrily trying to catch us in the act of talking. One day a guy whips out a laser pointer and starts shining it in front of the Vice Principal’s face. This was how we entertained ourselves without phones. Being antagonists. Well, that’s enough for this post I suppose.

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        16. We had some interesting times at my school. One week this guy brought a bunch of cable ties to school. It didn’t take teenage boys long enough before someone cable tied the zips on someone else’s bag. Not long after the place was filled with people looking over their shoulder, carrying scissors in their pocket and not leaving their bag alone. The school banned cable ties soon after

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        21. So do you think Uncle Meat and I would get along? If he poops upstream he sounds like my kind of guy.

          Yes Harrison. It always comes back to number two. Or other vulgar things with this guy.

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        22. Yes, I think Meat and you would get along great. Maybe once all the virus stuff is over you could find out for sure

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        23. Scroll down, Mike and I are talking about you somewhere down there. Something about an anus chip that controls your bowel movements.

          Question goes for you too. You have a favorite Pantera album?

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  2. Of all the ones on your list Blow Up Your Video is the one that hurt me the most. I’d really liked every AC/DC album up to that point, and BUYV is just such a dud. I know Deke disagrees, but I find it such a chore to listen to. It’s boring, bad sterile reverb production, Brian Johnson losing his voice in real time, and uninspired turgid songwriting. Fly on the Wall is 1000x better, I actually like that one (prefer it to Razors Edge too). Oh, Hot in the Shade sucks shit as well. I agree that it’s even worse than super pop wonder Crazy Nights, because at least that album had a direction and better production, and Ron Nevison produced that one! When you’re a band and your worst sounding album isn’t the one you did with Ron Nevison, you know you’ve got some really awful sounding recordings in your discography.

    Surprised Alice Cooper’s Trash didn’t make the list. Such a unique and pioneering band, then solo artist, reduced to writing cheesy D-grade hair metal butt rock that would make Steel Panther embarrassed. His late ’80s direction is pretty much total crap. Side two of Raise Your Fist and Yell still fucking rocks though! Side one is pretty cheesy. I give that one a 3/5, way better than the two surrounding records. I like his weird early ’80s coke-soaked freebase albums though. Especially DaDa, I’m really glad you warmed to that one. It’s so out there, evil, and eclectic. Way better than Consphincter, Raise Your Ass and Fart, Garbage, or Greetings Mentally Challenged Individual.

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    1. I mat be about to disappoint you here, but I find the production on Alice Cooper’s early stuff to be awful. I can’t listen to the studio version of School’s Out. I have to go to a live version, or the Hollywood Vampires version

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      2. I like the way School’s Out sounds. Rough and ready to rumble. Definitely not the worst production jobs I’ve heard from back then. I think Billion Dollar Babies sounds quite good. The early stuff is very analog, saturated the fuck out of those tapes back then. And the consoles.

        Muscle of Love though, the production on that one is just so stiff, cardboard, and boring sounding. There are some great songs like “Hard Hearted Alice”, “Never Been Sold Before”, “Big Apple Dreamin’ (Hippo)”, “Teenage Lament ’74”. The unused James Bond theme is pretty fun too. It’s one of the few albums I own on quadraphonic vinyl. I’ve also got the Japanese CD. No bonus tracks though.

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        1. It’s not a bad production job per se, it just sounds way way too rough for me. Really whenever I want to listen to any Cooper I go straight to A Fistful of Alice. That one is so good. And if it’s not on Fistful I go to Live at Wacken

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        4. “Blue Turk” is an underrated cut off of School’s Out. A great show tune. Cool bass and all that jazz. I get what you mean about it being rough, but I like it in this instance.

          How do you feel about punk? Sex Pistols, Public Image Ltd, Ramones, The Clash, Black Flag, Banana Plugz, The Circle Jerks, Suicidal Tendencies, Fear, Stooges, etc?

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        6. Punk? Oh no not a big fan. I like a couple songs, and I mean only a couple, Punk killed of heavy metal and hard rock for a little while. Unforgivable. Grunge too.

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        7. It’s usually love one, hate the other. Know what I mean? I’ve learned to like it more as an old man, independent of its role in destroying metal and prob.

          Hey, do you get notified when I reply to you? By email or something? Or do you just check back?

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        9. Metal and prog! Fucking phone. You like old prog though? Genesis, Yes, King Crimson, Rush!!!???

          The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway deserves another listen from this guy. Gotta play it start to finish with zero interruptions.

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        11. So the Lamb Did NOT Lie Down On Broadway for you? By this guy needs to listen to it, I meant me. I need to listen to it again. You should pick up another copy though, it’s one of their best. You really gotta get Selling England by the Pound as well. Steve Hackett doing some awesome two-handed tapping before EVH. Great stuff! Pretty nice!!!

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        13. I forgot to reply to that question, sorry about that. When it comes to comments from Lebrain and the others I get an email indicating that they liked it but not one about replies. When it comes to you I just check back regularly. I get a notification in the WordPress notifications, but I have a tab open always with the latest Lebrain post up, so it’s not hard for me to simply hit refresh

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        15. Yeah, if Maiden comes here or any other 70s or 80s band

          “I’m sorry sir, it’s time for you to leave” BLAM!

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    2. Shit. I didn’t mean to hurt you!

      No Trash, but back in 2004, DaDa might have had a chance to make the list. It didn’t because I liked “I Love America” so much. And yes of course I warmed up to it!

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      1. “Fresh Blood”, “Pass the Gun Around”, “Dyslexia”, “No Man’s Land” “Enough’s Enough”, “Scarlet and Sheba”, “I Love America”, “Former Lee Warmer”. Man, it’s all pretty good. The concept totally collapses halfway through the album, but I don’t mind.

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      2. Halford too cheesy! But Make Love Like a Man is way cheesier!

        “Make love like a man… I’m a man, that’s what I am.”

        That’s like pure muenster covered in blue cheese dressing, wrapped in provolone, sprinkled with Colby Jack, and breaded with two slices of Swiss topped off with a lack of imagination. How many guys in the studio had to okay that line?

        Now I want a pastrami sandwich.

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        2. I don’t know. I feel like Halford’s lyrics have been cheesy since at least Hell Bent for Leather.

          It would reach its apex around Turbo, Ram It Down, and Painkiller. Then it would continue for the rest of his career. Even the last album.

          “The devil’s moved from Georgia…”

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        3. Sigh. You have a point.

          I think in 2000, I was hoping for more than just an ode to the glory of metal. I was hoping for the same kind of genuine anger that I got out of Fight.

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    2. Brutal Planet and Dragontown are two that I very rarely play. But that now extends to Eyes of Alice Cooper which I liked a lot more back at that time. I think I was just he dropped the nu-metal guitars. That’s what I didn’t like.

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    1. I was a fan of the first Vince CD and even though he didn’t have Steve Stevens with him anymore, I really wanted another album that was as strong as Exposed. But hey. It was a long time ago and maybe Carved in Stone aged better.

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  7. I like the Blow Up Your Video album. Basically it boils down to one track that I find blah that being This Means War.
    Nothing wrong as far as I’m concerned with the rest of it. Now if it compare it to the Bon material or BIB I get it but I can listen to this one anytime and dig it..
    Outrider/Hot In The Shade/ Gunners I bought on and yeah they were kinda weak releases.

    Great idea for a list.

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      1. I get what your saying but for me I kinda dig that 83-88 period when people were hammering on them about there albums. Because of that I dug deeper into them and enjoyed them.
        Must have worked as I got there 80’s output on vinyl except for Who Made Who and I still need BIB.
        So I guess those records do mean somehting to me.
        Either that or I’m fucked haha

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    1. Or as George calls it, Lynch Biscuit. I don’t think Mike is a big Lynch Mob fan, so I don’t know if they’d qualify as a great artist. He gave Wicked Sensation average marks, and that’s supposedly their best. I agree with Mike actually. Some good songs, some uninspired, but man the production is absolutely top notch on that album. Max Norman hitting his peak! Great sound and performances.

      But wait a minute. This list is from 2004. How could he not include St. Anger?

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      1. Because I liked St. Anger and was quite mad at the blowback. People said they wanted heavy and then they said “but not like that.” It was the 2000s and everybody tried change. I was so sick of the anti Metallica people who loved Napster and hated Lars.

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        1. Okay! That makes sense. I actually like St. Anger too, but maybe for a different reason. Because of the trashcan lid drum sound. It makes me giggle. Kill kill kill!

          Still way better than LuLu as well! The songwriting isn’t as bad as it’s made out to be. I think the production is what sank St. Anger.

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        2. Yes they took it too far.

          I dont know if I still have the track but a friend of a friend named Matt Smith recorded a track called St Anger Tribute.

          Sample lyrics:

          “Yeaaaaah-ah!”

          “Kill kill! Kill kill!”

          “These songs are longer just like Justice!”

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        3. Of course! I’ve heard that dozens of times, it never ceases to make me laugh.

          You’re friends with a friend of Matt Smith of Theocracy? That rules. I’ve done my own Anger parodies separately. Haha.

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    1. All credit goes to you for being the best blog in rock ‘n’ roll history. I just noticed we have three separate references to trash in this comment section. There’s my story about my friend trying to hop back to the driveway in the trash can, the Alice Cooper album Trash, and the trash can lid Metallica snare. Insane! This comment section is so expansive we can talk about the same subject in three completely independent ways. Best blog ever!

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        1. Shit, we’re up to 87 comments now. May as well push for 100. Maybe when Harrison wakes up and replies to all this shit we’ll make it. Do all the comments push your blog up in search engine results?

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        2. I can wake him up now. With the implant.

          I don’t think it pushes me up in terms of search results, but it does widen the net. If somebody searched for “spaghetti incident trash”, it would help.

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        3. Favorite Pantera album… GO!

          Where’s this Harrison implant? In his head? Or in his rectum? That way you can control his poop cycle as well, since toilets flush the wrong way in Australia.

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        4. Poor little guy has had a brown dog barking at his back door ever since he met you. He’s just been holding it in until he can find a normal toilet on the Northern Hemisphere. God, that’s going to be one heavy septic expulsion when he finally does drop a load.

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  14. Iron Maiden – Fear of the Dark (I’ve never heard Virtual XI). Love the two albums surrounding it actually. They both feel raw and unfinished. This one I don’t know wtf they were thinking. I guess they were thinking about how they all needed a-break from each other. Its not all trash though (heh heh). Quick and the Dead, Wasting Love, Judas and Afraid to Shoot Strangers are very good cuts.

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    1. Fear of the Dark is my pick for worst Maiden album. And somehow it hit #1 too along with, at the time, Number of the Beast (I believe that’s all correct, ignore if not)

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        2. Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter is pure cheese. I mean, I’ll admit to enjoying it. But it’s not that good. “Mother Russia” is just a dull, plodding, disaster. I really don’t remember much of the album, except that the Charlotte Part III was lackluster “Hooks in You”. Part III’s almost always fail to live up to expectations. Just see Godfather, Spider-Man, Blade, Matrix, etc.

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        3. You dare insult Mother Russia!? This is almost worse than insulting Blaze. And Bring Your Daughter has a good hook, and great guitar fills in the lead-up to the final chorus. I don’t care about the cheese. Charlotte part III is a bit iffy though. I’d probably cut it with Tailgunner

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        4. Hooks certainly aren’t the only thing that will be in her, if you know what I mean. Bruce Bruce is gonna fence her with his sword. Sorry, buddy. Mother Russia doesn’t do it for me. Charlotte would do it for 15 quid though.

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        5. That’s fine. I am going to say something that would disgust most Maiden fans (probably not you, knowing your preferences)- I prefer Mother Russia to Seventh Son of a Seventh Son

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        7. 7th Son? I haven’t counted. Less than The Angel and The Gambler, which has 21 and is therefore a legitimate gambling reference and is above criticism

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        10. Hey, what did you mean knowing my preferences? You think I wouldn’t like Seventh Son?

          Is it because Steve Harris has an impulse control problem, and a love of prog disproportionate to his abilities to write it? Staying in 4/4 and repeating the same riff/chorus for ten minutes is just indulgence, and dull. Not prog. They need a real producer again!

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        11. What I hate about Holen is often how correct he is.

          I like latter day Maiden. I have even used the word “progressive” to describe some songs. BUT YOU ARE NOT WRONG. You are not wrong.

          Didn’t consider a producer change before but it has been 20 years with Caveman, so yes, let’s have a change now. Maybe Martin Birch can executive produce it or something.

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        12. I just know that you’re more partial to Di’Anno and therefore probably a bit indifferent towards Seventh Son.

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        13. I don’t get it, because Rush’s Counterparts sounded great. But Maiden’s albums with him sound dry and lifeless. Needs a bit more polish, the new records sound muddy.

          Thanks for recognizing my undeniable correctness, twice on here!

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        14. I like the Paul ones a lot, they’re probably my favorite. Clive Burr leaving was a massive step down in my book too. Clive played with fire. Nicko is a great drummer, but he doesn’t have that certain spark. Clive’s drumming was frenetic, bursting with energy. Just listen to Hammersmith ’82, he’s the beast! Nicko on the other hand is pulling off some super complex stuff, but he just sounds complacent behind the kit.

          Honestly, that’s my number one complaint with Maiden. It’s that they’re such a well oiled machine that at times it doesn’t even seem human. It doesn’t breathe. That makes some of their newer performances and songs dull in these eyes. Technically, they’re still killing it, way more than most bands half their age, but I just don’t hear any passion. It’s workmanlike, admirable, but lifeless. Hammersmith ’82 is them on fire and alive. Once the so-called “prog” came in the punk passion went out, and so did my attention span save for a song here or there.

          That’s why I ultimately prefer Judas Priest. While they’re a much more inconsistent and dysfunctional outfit, they’re interesting, and their records sound different. Compare Sad Wings to Stained Class to British Steel to Turbo to Painkiller to Firepower and you have a very different listening experience each time. They take chances, it still feels like they’re invested. Maiden feels like they reached a peak in the ’80s and have been on auto-pilot ever since, which is too bad since Bruce can fly.

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  15. Great one Mike. I really like the GNR one, Ain’t It Fun is my fave Axl performance.

    You need some Maiden on there and Nostradamus, surely?!

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  16. Hey Mike, can u do what’s hot right now? Top ten list of most played this year. Not meaning released this year. I’m on a Cure kick myself. Just can’t stop listening to them.

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        1. Can’t say that I agree dear sir, but I respect you in the field of AC/DC as much as I respect you in the field of movies. Although I’ve never done the A/B test with those songs.

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        4. I like Heatseeker better, and that’s the only song from Blow Up Your Asshole I like.

          You like that name? I think that would be almost as bad as listening to the album.

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        5. How would you blow up your own asshole? Slide a quarter stick in there with only the fuse hanging out? Then light it up?

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