RECORD STORE TALES #1128: Evil Kirk

It seems like a lifetime ago, that I co-wrote and recorded the only song I’m on that has ever been officially released. On August 6 2010, I sat down at my computer and wrote the lyrics to what would become one of the strangest songs on Kathryn Ladano’s CD, Open.  And yes, you can buy it on iTunes or on compact disc.  Just search for Ladano!

Kathryn performs mostly improvised instrumental music, and “Evil Kirk” was to be the only spoken word piece on the album.  I had been bugging her for a while to appear on one of her albums, but considering that I’m not a very good singer, and she doesn’t use vocals, it seemed all but impossible.  I had thrown around an idea of doing an “Optimus Prime Trilogy” – the life, death, life, death, life, and final death of the Marvel Comics version of the character.  This didn’t click with her, but eventually she thought of doing something about Captain Kirk.  “Evil Kirk” refers to the original Star Trek episide “The Enemy Within”, in which a transporter accident splits Kirk into good and evil halves.  Kathryn loved the episode (probably because there was an alien puppy dog with a horn and antennae), and she really loved William Shatner’s hilariously overwrought performance.

We had an idea of doing the lyrics as a rough series of favourite Kirk quotes.  We’d avoid the obvious stuff like “Khaaaaaaan!” and focus on some of our personal favourites.  On a personal level, I wanted to honour all eras of Kirk to date, which meant the Chris Pine movies too.  Today, Paul Wesley plays an excellent modern take on the character in Strange New Worlds, but when we recorded “Evil Kirk”, Chris Pine was the guy.

We did four takes.  I present to you the lyrics to “Evil Kirk” as they appear in my notes, with notations on the origins of each Kirk quote.  This is not exactly word for word how it went on the album, but how I wrote it initially.  Minor changes are a part of improvisation!

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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Message, Spock?

The Wrath of Khan takes place on Kirk’s birthday.  Spock gifts his friend an ancient printed book of A Tale of Two Cities.  “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” is Kirk reading the opening sentence of the novel.  He then asks Spock if there was a hidden meaning to this gift.  None except “happy birthday, surely the best of times.”  But Kirk is not happy getting old and fat behind a desk.  This theme of aging runs through the film.

Of all the souls I have known
His was the most
Human.

I truly believe that Spock’s funeral scene in The Wrath of Khan is some of Shatner’s very best emoting in his long career.  This line comes from his eulogy for his best friend.  When he stumbles and pauses before the word “human”, you can feel the grief as if it were real.  The way his face wrenches up before he says the word…I admit it brings tears to my eyes!

No more blah, blah!

From season one, episode eight:  “Miri”.  A planet of children frustrates Kirk with their chanting of “blah, blah, blah!”  In a rage, Kirk responds “NO MORE BLAH BLAH BLAH!”  I shortened it to “blah blah” because that’s the way it sounded to me.  This is sort of a recurring chorus.

Did I ever tell you, you play an irritating game of chess, Mr. Spock?

From the second pilot episode, “Where No Man Has Gone Before”.  In order to introduce the characters to the TV audience, Spock’s logical side is showcased here.  “Irritation?  Ah yes, one of your Earth emotions,” says Spock before Kirk checkmates him.  “Sure you don’t know what irritation is, Mr. Spock?” smiles Kirk.

So why don’t you get some more guys and it’ll be an even fight.

The first Chris Pine line in the song.  This is from the 2009 Star Trek movie, when a civilian Kirk gets into a bar fight with some Starfleet personnel.

You can whistle really loud, you know that?

Same scene, same movie.  This is when Captain Pike breaks up the brawl and sits Kirk down for a little chat about his future.

No more blah,blah!  

Of all things, a god needs compassion.

From the second pilot episode again.  Kirk’s closest friend since the Academy, Gary Mitchell, has acquired god-like powers.  As he goes slowly mad with power, Kirk reminds him of the fundamentals of godhoood.

What does God need with a starship?

From the much-maligned fifth Trek movie, directed by Shatner himself.  The USS Enterprise goes to find “God” at the center of our galaxy.  The “god” requests the Enterprise to be his chariot.  The charade doesn’t last, as Kirk questions him why a god would need a starship.

Our missions are peaceful…not for conquest.

Season one, episode 18:  One of our favourite episodes, “Arena”.  Known to casual fans as “the one with the Gorn”, Kirk is sent down by the Metrons to do hand to hand combat with an alien lizard.  You can bet, his shirt gets torn.

Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed…but a woman is always a woman.

A great line right out of the 1960s, from season one, episode 13:  “The Conscience of the King”.  Known as “the one with Kodos the Executioner”.   This line is regarding Kodos’ beautiful daughter.   Not a personal favourite episode, just a great line.

No more blah, blah!

Take me back! Please! I want to live!
I’m Captain Kirk… I’M CAPTAIN KIRK!

Also from “The Enemy Within”.  The only way to fix the split good/evil Kirk problem is to re-combine them.  Yet, the evil one doesn’t want that.  He wants to live!  This is a moral quandary that Star Trek would revisit again in episodes like “Tuvix”.  A harrowing performance, if campy.

Yeoman, I owe you an explanation…The transporter malfunctioned, divided me, created a duplicate…The animal part of me came to your cabin…He even scratched me to make us look more alike…I’d like the chance to explain it to you…You don’t mind if I come to your cabin later?

A great line from “The Enemy Within”, as Evil Kirk tries to seduce Janice Rand, played by Grace Lee Whitney in season one of the show.   The Evil Kirk is lying of course.  He is up to no good!

No more blah,blah!

Second star to the right…and straight on ’til morning.

From Peter Pan, but also from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (“the one with Kim Cattrall”).  On the Enterprise-A’s final voyage, they are ordered to return home for decommissioning.  Kirk and crew decide to tell Starfleet to “go to hell”.  When asked for course and heading, Kirk responds with the Peter Pan line.  This is also something of a throwback to the ending of the very first Star Trek motion picture.  When asked for a course, Kirk responds, “Over there…thataway.”

Everybody remember where we parked.

A funny line from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.  The crew park a cloaked Klingon Bird of Prey in the middle of a park in Los Angeles, circa 1986.  The film might be better known as “the one with the whales”.

How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life.

Kirk’s line of wisdom to Saavik, played by Kirstie Alley, in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.  When she fails the Kobayashi Maru test, a no-win scenario, Saavik questions the purpose of a test where everyone dies, in every possible situation.

If Spock were here, he’d say that I was an irrational, illogical human being for going on a mission like this…
Sounds like fun!

I felt I had to be inclusive, and I couldn’t ignore Kirk’s only appearance in a Next Generation-era project.  Star Trek: Generations (“the one where Kirk dies”) is derided by many fans for a swirly-wirly timey-wimey plot and some continuity issues, which we will get to.  This line here is a fan-service reference to Spock, when Picard offers Kirk one more chance to “make a difference”.

No more blah,blah!

I’ve always known…I’ll die alone.

Speaking of continuity, this line from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (“the one where they meet God”) is a problem.  When Kirk eventually dies, Picard is by his side.  Fans have ret-conned this to mean that Kirk knew he would die without any of his friends.

What is a Man, but that… lofty spirit… that sense of, Enterprise! That devotion to something that cannot be Sensed… cannot be… Realized, but only… DREAMED! The HIGHEST Reality!

Season two, episode eight:  “I, Mudd!”  The second of several appearances for Harcourt Fenton Mudd, delightful rogue and scammer.  Played by Roger C. Carmel in the original and animated series, Mudd was later portrayed by Rainn Wilson in Star Trek: Discovery and Short Treks.  In “I, Mudd”, a planet of human-like androids is the scene for a comedic Trek.  Kirk’s line here is about what it means to be human, a common theme in all of Star Trek.

It was…fun.

Kirk’s final line of dialogue to Picard, before he dies in Generations.  Fans actually cheered his death in theaters.  That’s when Paramount knew their movie was in serious trouble.

KHAN!

OK, so I did use the line initially, but during the performance, we knew it wasn’t right.  Ending it with “It was…fun” made more sense.

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And that’s “Evil Kirk” for you, line by line.  I wish I could do just one more take of it, as I think I have better control of my voice now, but I think the final version is pretty good.