Uncle Meat

Sunday Chuckle: Uncle Meat Loses the Darndest Things

I have learned that Uncle Meat loses things.

Sunday morning after Sausagefest, we had to find his phone.  Its battery ran out, and he didn’t know where it was.  Couldn’t leave without it.  There were a few places to look.  One of which was “the place he took his last shit”.  I was not going to look there.  He could search the shit section.  We got all hands on deck and started sweeping.

I found the phone…in the car.  Crisis averted.

Then, as we were driving up the hill on our way out of the valley, he said “Stop the car.”

“I need to find my shorts.  I know I packed them.  Better we do this now than worry. Open the trunk.”

Meat went out back and started digging for his shorts.  Dig dig dig.

Then he said, “You are going to be so mad at me.”

He got back into the car and said “I’m wearing them.”

Nah, I don’t get mad.  I just turn it into a Sunday Chuckle!

 

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#S18-6: Sausagefest 2018 – The Video

#S18-4: “Who Gives a F*** About Transformers!” — Sausagefest 2018 was More Than Met the Eye

On Friday I was itching to go.  I made a post here, critiquing my passenger Uncle Meat for wanting to stop at both Walmart and Value Village before hitting the Sausage Road.  He’s a grown man and could be a little better prepared…but I too am a grown man who can admit when he is wrong.  And I was wrong.  The Walmart and Value Village stops were actually two of my favourite things that happened.

WALMART

“I wanna stop at the Walmart up by St. Jacobs,” said Meat.  Cool.  I try to make a point of checking the toy section at every Walmart, because it’s the out-of-the-way ones where you can find the rare stuff.  I made a beeline and lo!  One, two, three, four, FIVE brand new Transformers figures.  I grabbed all five and hit the checkout, so excited about my excellent find.  These are toys that collectors are having a hard time finding anywhere.  This led directly to…

VALUE VILLAGE

“I want something ridiculous,” said Uncle Meat as we hit the T-shirts.  Immediately, I spotted an Optimus Prime shirt waiting right there for me, the first shirt we saw.  My size!  I then found rather quickly a bright orange George Jones “The Living Legend” shirt.  It had to come with us to Sausagefest.  Finally, after going through just about every shirt in the store, Meat found it like destiny:

These two stops really set the tone for the whole weekend.  They were:

1. Everything coming together perfectly, and
2. Dr. Dave Haslam’s hate-on for Optimus Prime.

I love when a plan comes together.

One plan that did not come together was my tent, which broke immediately just out of the box.  Fortunately you can always count on certain Sausagefesters to always bring gorilla and/or duct tape.  The tent weathered both nights.

DAY ONE

The Countdown began promptly at Whenever O’clock and rapidly ticked down 50 + 2 tracks in one night, plus numerous bits and sketches.  50 +2?

We lost one of our own this year and Rush’s “Dreamline” was played in his honour.  Many were decked in neon orange in honour of his old orange boiler suit.  Troy was a truly good soul, a human being with a solid heart of gold.  He always made me feel welcome from my first Sausagefest on, and many years before that too as we had friends in common.  “Learning that we’re only immortal for a limited time” was a poignant lyric, but what really made it special was a tribute that Jeff Woods himself recorded for it.  The Legend of Classic Rock participated in a sketch/tribute that made eyes wet and some bellies laugh.  The tone was flawless and it is truly good to know what integrity looks like up close and personal.

“Dreamline” was not part of the official countdown, nor was a bit that I snuck into my own intro as a part of The Mamas and the Papas’ “California Dreaming”.  I sandwiched my personal introduction into Jeff Russo’s “Main Title” from Star Trek: Discovery, a show I’ve been hyping all year long.  Russo (of the rock band Tonic) composed a dramatic, striking piece working in elements from the original show.  I’m glad to have a chance to showcase it in its entirety, albeit with a long interlude of my shit in the middle.

Don’t forget the two minutes of “improvised scatting”, precisely because Troy would have hated that kind of shit!  And it was so funny that I couldn’t breathe for two minutes straight.  The Countdown (all a blur to me now) ran from #100 to 91 (10 songs total) with no comedy bits, because Troy always said “Less talk, more rock!”  They cut the crap and just played the tunes.

I can tell you that we heard Styx that night (“Mr. Roboto” and “Light Up”), some Five Alarm Funk, Beastie Boys, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Willie Nelson, and…a blur of songs and comedy.  There were a few rap tracks this year, certainly a record number.  Afroman and Cypress Hill made their debuts.  A list is forthcoming.

DAY TWO

50 more tracks to count down.

Uncle Meat was up early (for him) at 9:30, and in great spirits despite a bad back the night before.  We made our way to Flesherton where Uncle Meat destroyed the men’s toilet at the Flying Spatula.  Emerging from the washroom he announced to the world, “Don’t use the one on the left!”  He annihilated the toilet again on our way out, and that of an outhouse on the way back to the farm.  I felt bad for the next guy in line waiting to use the outhouse, but Meat made it out of there really quick.

But I digress.  The Flying Spatula was a great ol’ time even though the Lamb Lord got mad at me for taking a picture of his food.

 

Back on the farm, we played a cool game I call “Knife Chucking”.  It’s kind of like axe throwing, but more special because those daggers were hand-forged by our very own Chuck.  And it was way fun!  A knife actually got lost in the dirt, and then plowed over by mistake by tractor.  But we found it as a team with a metal detector (for real!) and a rake!

I goaded Dr. Dave to rant some more about the Transformers. Man, he really hates the Transformers.  Do not watch this video if you are easily butthurt!

The second night commenced with lamb, perfectly marinated and cooked to medium by our chef the Lamb Lord.  It was gone so fast that Uncle Meat didn’t even get a slice.

The rock resumed.  The Blues Brothers was #1…Clutch #2…and Twisted Sister at #3 with “Burn in Hell”.  More Five Alarm Funk, Queen, Tool…just a blur of songs.  But probably most impressive to some of us:  “Grendel” by Marillion, in its entirety.  A 17-minute track within the top 20, and yet momentum was strong.

I have a literal Meat-ton of a video to sift through, but with perfect weather and setting, Sausagefest 2018 was once again utopia on Earth.

And a big, big, big thank you to Jeff Woods, the real Legend of Rock and Roll, for helping us out this year.  Meat sent you a personal gift as well.  I know you’re about 40 kilometers downriver from us in the valley.  Uncle Meat kept having to shit that day sir.  Meat took a shit in the river, and his shit signal should be with you by now.  Mr. Woods, you are a huge inspiration and truly a man among men.

And woman!  One woman.  Sausagefest has its first woman and she is one of the guys!  A massive first that may have been overdue!

My sun baked skin is aching for the comfort of a shower.  Enjoy the photos.  Lots more to come.

 

 

 

#S18-2: Day One is Done

I sit here writing this on Saturday morning, the coldest I’ve ever been at Sausagefest.  From heat wave to chill.  Uncle Meat slept in the car.  No tent for him.  Too cold.

7:30 am.  As the sun moves into position, it’s starting to warm.

We had a great first night, though I had some lower body pain and had to lie down.  I spent two hours in the tent listening to the Countdown.

Tool.  Priest.  Willie.  Rush. Sheavy.  ‘Tallica.  Beasties.  Five Alarm Funk.  Much more.  Amazing tunes last night.

There was one hiccup.  My brand new tent broke immediately out of the box.  Not impressed.  Gorilla tape to the rescue.   My tent looks like the stunted stepchild of everybody else’s tent.

I slept well, and I will do better tonight.  Let’s do it!

 

#S18-1: Sausagefest Arrival

After a safe and victorious drive we have arrived at Sausagefest 2018!  Look at the cool shirts we scored at Value Village!

I scored some extra cool things on my way up.  Stay tuned for reveals.

 

 

 

#S18-0: Sausagefest 2018 prelude

Sunday Chuckle: When Uncle Meat Leaves a Voicemail

Are you familiar with the song “Sweet Pain” by Kiss, off 1976’s legendary Destroyer album?  Uncle Meat is.  If you can’t remember how it goes, here’s a refresher:

 

Now, listen to Uncle Meat’s version, which I found on my voicemail last week:

 

My mother in law was in the room when I played this voicemail.

Hey, you gotta admit the guy can sing!


 

#626.5: The Big Lists of 2017 Part Five: The Mighty Meat

Uncle Meat’s Top Ten Movies of 2017

  1. I, Tonya
  2. Star Wars: The Last Jedi
  3. Jim and Andy : The Great Beyond – Featuring a very special, contractually obligated mention of Tony Clifton
  4. Baby Driver
  5. It
  6. Justice League
  7. Gilbert
  8. Logan
  9. Get Me Roger Stone
  10. ESPN 30 for 30 – Ric Flair: The Nature Boy

 

 

Uncle Meat’s Top Ten Albums of 2017

 

I must admit that it was hard doing this list, for the simple reason that Uncle Meat rarely likes anything new.  Call me a Fuddy-Duddy…call me stuck in the glorious past…But you cants call me Johnson.  Considering I am using a very old reference to the David Steinberg show, maybe I should just get on to 2017 instead.

 

10)  Queens of the Stone Age – Villains  – The first track on this album called “Feet Don’t Fail Me Now” came out and literally kicked me in the face…pun intended.  But the rest of the album drags and is kinda forgettable.  However the aforementioned track might be my song of the year so it makes up the bottom end of this list.

 

9)   Pallbearer – Heartless   – Not as blatant as my number 10 entry, but again this is based mostly off one track. The song pointed out by Dr. Dave,  “I Saw the The End”, seems to have so many intentional or unintentional “nods” within it they are hard to count.  I have heard it reminds people of Queensryche, Iron Maiden, King’s X…etc.  But the rest of the album doesn’t seem to live up to that glorious track.

 

8)  Deep Purple – InFinite  – Yet another solid output from Morse-era Deep Purple.  Steve Morse has been in the band so long now it seems weird to keep referring to the “Morse era” anymore.  Ian Gillan is writing vocal lines that seem to better suit his limited vocal range right now.  I really like the keyboards on this album.  Even Frank put one of the tracks as his song of the year.  Listen to Frank.

 

7)  Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit – The Nashville Sound  –  Someone has to mention something other than “Heavy Metal Bullshit” on this site.  2017 may have been a bit of a Metal resurgence year for me, but Jason Isbell’s 2017 offering needs to be on this list.  His lyrics are reminiscent of the great John Prine on this album.  He also rocks out a little bit more here, which is good because I found some previous album to be way too mamby-pamby and not enough guts.  Plenty of guts and beauty on this record.

 

6)  Mogwai – Every Country’s Sun  – This band was introduced to me by Doctor Doom a few years ago.  Always appreciated what they do but found it hard to get into.  A few listens of Every Country’s Sun, and it’s diverse song styles have made me more than appreciate them. It is really quite simple.  I need to hear more Mogwai.

 

5)  Steve Earle and the Dukes –  So You Wanna Be an Outlaw  – I have only had a couple listens of this in full, which just is not enough to really dig into a Steve Earle album.  But what I have heard I have loved, as per usual.  You just cant go wrong with Mr. Earle.

 

4)  Power Trip – Nightmare Logic – Was introduced to this album by a review on Banger TV (highly recommended You Tube channel run by Sam Dunn).  It was compared to Slayer’s Reign in Blood both in overall style and the album’s short running time.  Once again the past draws me in as it definitely is “old school Thrash Metal”.  Not an album I could listen to a lot, but hard not to elicit a reaction anytime it comes on.

 

3)  The Necromancers Servants of the Salem GirlIron Tom Sharpe or whatever he calls himself here on this blog introduced me to this French band that totally rocks.  Sounds like an oxymoron I know, but it indeed rocks.  I really find they remind me of Orange Goblin at times, which is a high compliment in my world.  I have found myself in the rock guitar pose frequently with this album playing.  Frank would like it.

 

2) Elder – Reflections of a Floating World  – Elder came out of absolutely nowhere for me about a month ago. Kicked my fucking ass…and soul.  Reflections of a Floating World is absolutely the greatest collection of music I heard in 2017.  I couldn’t put it number one which will be explained shortly, however it is so fucking good I would say this might be my favourite “Metal” album in many many years.  Years ago I wanted so bad to find a truly Progressive Metal band, and the closest thing I could find was Dream Theater.  But they continually had this gloss and sparkly side to them which turned me off a lot of the time.  If Pink Floyd and Kyuss had a baby, and it grew up listening to nothing but Gabriel Genesis albums, you would get Reflections of a Floating World.  The singer kinda reminds me of Perry Farrell, which seems like an odd fit but works perfectly.  No barking on this record.  The second track, “The Falling Veil”, is a song I have went to many times within the last month.  If you like good music, and have the patience to appreciate it, soak yourself in this record.  Do it, Frank.

 

1) Five Alarm Funk – Sweat  – Do I think this is the best album of 2017?  As mentioned earlier, that goes to my number 2.  However this was by far my favourite album of this year as well as my favourite band of this year.  Five Alarm Funk is Canada’s best keep secret, but subsequent albums never really captured what it was like to see this band live.  They did release a great live album in 2016, but what FAF have created with Sweat seems to be taking the energy of their live shows and writing appropriate music to suit their show.  The song “Iceberg” is as many parts Zappa and “Heavy Metal Bullshit” as it is a funk song.  Many other tracks have this groovy girth to them.  If you hear about Five Alarm Funk playing a show near you…you owe it to yourself to see Canada’s hardest working band.  The band will kick your ass and back again while you are dancing to it.  But this album will do in a pinch. Love these fucking guys.


And we love you, fuckin’ Meat!

 

Happy Birthday Uncle Meat!

Let’s all wish a happy birthday to Uncle Meat!  Good pal, Jedi Master, and rock and roll contributor Uncle Meat is one year older with more metal in his body than ever before.  (A plate in his leg!)

Happy birthday Meatmaster General!  A man actually made of metal!

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#576: “Why’d You Lick My Pee-noose?” – The Sausagefest 2017 Countdown

GETTING MORE TALE #576: “Why’d You Lick My Pee-noose?”
The Sausagefest 2017 Countdown

By the time it was all over I fairly surmised that, personally speaking, Sausagefest 2017 (the 16th annual) was the best one yet.

There are many reasons for this. One happened by pure change.

The weather reports for the weekend were changing daily. I contacted Uncle Meat on Wednesday to tell him they were calling for rain all weekend. He responded, “No they’re not, are you new?” But they were! And the next day, the forecasts had changed again.

By our Friday departure the skies were partly cloudy, but we’ve seen worse. After we arrived and set up our tents it started pouring for a short while. The old fire pit was flooded. When the rain stopped the decision was made to move the location for the Countdown, uphill on dry land. This was the first time the actual location had ever been changed after 15 years down by the river. It turned out that this was the best possible decision. The new location was wide open, more conductive to mingling and conversation, and as you have seen, provided some beautiful photographs. The new location will be permanent from now on.

I felt one of the reasons things went so well for me was good preparation, but that may not be the case. Uncle Meat also had a great time, and was so ill-prepared that he only arranged a tent to sleep in when we were halfway there! Way to be ready, Uncle Meat!

The vibe was right from the get-go and the Countdown began on time.

Highlights from the first night included some lesser-heard tracks:

  • Queen – “We Will Rock You” – the “fast” version
  • Deep Purple – “Vavoom: Ted the Mechanic”
  • Kiss – “Shock Me” – live version from Alive II with solo
  • The Beatles – “Helter Skelter” – mono version
  • Queen – “My Fairie King”
  • Mercyful Fate – “Into the Coven”

There were lots of cool tunes this year: 87 in total including tributes (more on those later). “Indians” by Anthrax was a perfectly appropriate song this year too, since I pulled a large chunk of my own recorded bits from the Brocket 99 CD, a spoof of Indian reservation radio stations. (I voted for “Indians” as #22 on my list.)

And plenty more! You can check out the Countdown list yourself. It was also a treat hearing Ray Charles’ “Mess Around”, which you probably know from John Candy in Planes Trains and Automobiles. Rainbow’s “Light in the Black” was a personal favourite for my air guitar workout.

The comedy sketches were on-point, and I had tears streaming down my face laughing so hard. The Lord of Lamb, Zach Britton, wrote a sketch regarding my insistence that a Bacon Big Mac is not the same thing as a Big Mac. Bacon is not in the Big Mac song, therefore a Bacon Big Mac is not the same thing. Britton rebutted me successfully, and hilariously. “Loosey Goosey” is now a catch-phrase. As a peace offering, he gifted me a bottle of Big Mac sauce.

The first night it rained, but it mattered not as we huddled in our waterproof tents. We were up by the crack of 10:00 to grab breakfast at the Spatula – not the “Flying” Spatula anymore, please note. They have officially changed the name of the place, but still offer the “Flesherton Fill-up” for breakfast. Not as large, nor as good as it was in the past. On the way up, Uncle Meat yelled “Loosey Goosey!” at anyone we passed on the road.

You have to give credit to our Spatula server Heather. I sat with Max “I’m kind of a big deal” the Axe, and I got to witness him working his magic on Heather the server. He promised her the last CD copy in existence of one of his albums. What a deal! Max told me I had a good singing voice. Was he hitting on me, too? Wayne also had a golden line at the store Top of the Rock, with the girl who was distributing bags of ice. “Are you the ice lady? Ice to meet you!”

There was a new exciting twist this year at the 16th Sausagefest. Submitting lists (aka “paying your rock and roll taxes”) has long been a problem. Some people are always prompt. Those people were rewarded with an extra song, a “tribute” this year. Mine was The Police – “Next to You”. That was a blast for air guitar. You can see by the list at bottom, only eight people got tributes. That means only eight people got their lists in on time without nagging! Due to the amount of time it takes to compile the votes and actually record the Countdown, it was decided that this time, you must vote for 2018’s songs by the end of the weekend. And so Saturday afternoon was spent socially compiling lists. It was weird seeing a bunch of guys at Sausagefest with clipboards and pens, furiously writing, colluding and discussing. It was also successful. All lists are in. There will be a whole year to compile and record for 2018!

The second evening had more great rock. Ghost, Dunsmuir, The Sword, Iron Maiden, CCR, Floyd, Purple, Tenacious D, Sabbath and Zeppelin…all building up to the top ten. Not only building up to the top ten, but also setting up the very first Sausagefest live theater….

There were plenty of fake-out tracks in the top ten, as they pretended they couldn’t read the songs written on Uncle Meat’s upper thigh. Sabbath, Rush and Metallica were played eventually. After the #2 track “The Immigrant Song” (Zeppelin), there was an announcement made.

Tom, father of four, the co-founder, the Captain himself, wanted to take a step back. Recording the Countdown was no longer possible for him, due to family demands at home. This made sense, since the guy does have four rugrats and was absent from some of the top ten due to a supposed argument with his wife about it. They saved the announcement for the #1 spot. Only one person was told in advance, and that was the immortal Lord of Lamb himself, Zach Britton. As the song lyrics state, “He is the reason we still do this shit.” He was given a 20 minute heads-up to collect his emotions.

As the announcement was made, they said there would be no #1 song this year. They’d play it first in 2018. Instead, they played the traditional “Happy Trails” by Van Halen as Tom clinked glasses and shook hands with attendees. And then Zach got up to make a speech. He was obviously still shocked and upset by this sad turn of events.

His speech began as expected: melodramatic, sad, and stirring…until it was interrupted.

There was a 4 minute 30 second gap built into the Countdown…specifically timed for Zach to start his speech but not finish. All part of the pre-planned “live theater”. Then….

“ZACH BRITTON!” boomed the speakers.

Suddenly the Countdown recording continued, as a pre-recorded Bucky urged Zach to shut the fuck up and sit back down because he had just been pranked! Tom wasn’t retiring. Zach didn’t have a clue, nor did any of the rest of us! We all bought it, hook line and sinker, even though Tom has 12 months to record for 2018. It seemed so believable especially with that supposed “argument” with his wife built into the recordings. So I raised my goblet of Romulan Ale to Zach “the Lord of Lamb” Britton for being a great sport and a diamond geezer! The “live theater”, the first ever attempted at Sausagefest, was a tremendous success. As Uncle Meat said afterwards, “They will never ever trust us again.” It easily could have gone sideways, if Zach didn’t stand up to make his speech. They were counting on him and he fell right into it. Brilliant live theater!

The actual #1 song, played after the live theater, was “Cygnus X-1” by Rush, a fantastic song on which to close.

The following morning, we packed up to go home. As per usual, Uncle Meat kept singing and repeating one sentence. This year, it was a ditty called “Why’d You Lick My Penis (Rectum)”.*

“Why’d you lick my pee-noose…why’d you lick my pee-noose, rectum…” Over and over again. You can hear this on the Sausagefest video.

We made our way home, but for many of the guys, it was time to rock again. Five Alarm Funk played a free show in London on Sunday night, and a few tired ‘Festers trekked out to party some more. Totally fitting, since Five Alarm Funk had three songs on this year’s Countdown.

What a Sausagefest! Best one ever? Until next year, maybe….

 

THE COUNTDOWN

 

1 Cygnus X-1 Rush
2 The Immigrant Song Led Zeppelin
3 Blackened Metallica
4 Heaven and Hell Black Sabbath
5 La Villa Strangiato Rush
6 Sweat Five Alarm Funk
7 Burn Deep Purple
8 When the Levee Breaks Led Zeppelin
9 Atlas Rise Metallica
10 Rocky Raccoon The Beatles
11 Green Machine Kyuss
12 The Chain Fleetwood Mac
13 Quick Death in Texas Clutch
14 Muffin Man Frank Zappa
15 Cloak of Feathers The Sword
16 Sabotage Beastie Boys
17 Consolers of the Lonely The Raconteurs
18 Space Truckin’ Deep Purple
19 Zenith Escalator Five Alarm Funk
20 Pigs (Three Different Ones) Pink Floyd
21 Cocaine Eric Clapton
22 Tribute Tenacious D
23 Wasted Years Iron Maiden
24 Fortunate Son CCR
25 The Mob Goes Wild Clutch
26 Smokey Funkadelic
27 Time Travelling Blues Orange Goblin
28 Supernaut Black Sabbath
29 46 and 2 Tool
30 Freya The Sword
31 Money For Nothing Dire Straits
32 The Lemon Song Led Zeppelin
33 Square Hammer Ghost
34 Hung on the Rocks Dunsmuir
35 Cosmo Bozo Orange Goblin
36 Layla Derek and the Dominoes
37 Electric Worry Clutch
38 Odyssey Kyuss
39 Catholic Girls Frank Zappa
40 Vidage 10,000 Mods
41 Nautical Disaster Tragically Hip
42 Skullduggin Black Joe Lewis
43 Squash That Fly Fu Manchu
44 Holy Wars Megadeth
45 I Should Have Known It Tom Petty
46 Great Gig in the Sky Pink Floyd
47 Heart of the Sunrise Yes
48 Inside Looking Out Grand Funk Railroad
49 Boston Rag Steely Dan
50 Lady Writer Dire Straits
51 Helter Skelter The Beatles
52 My Fairie King Queen
53 Into the Coven Mercyful Fate
54 After the Gold Rush Neil Young
55 Watcher of the Skies Genesis
56 Shock Me Kiss
57 Pusherman Curtis Mayfield
58 Domino Masters of Reality
59 The Soft Parade The Doors
60 Smoke 2 Joints Sublime
61 Cosmic Fiend The Black Crowes
62 London Calling The Clash
63 DeanTown Vulfpeck
64 Light in the Black Rainbow
65 Wha Cha Want Beastie Boys
66 Mess Around Ray Charles
67 500 Miles John Garcia
68 Ted the Mechanic Deep Purple
69 Ripoff T Rex
70 We Will Rock You – Fast Queen
71 Everyday People Sly and the Family Stone
72 (NOT SURE?) (Uncle Meat??)
73 Our Only Master Dunsmuir
74 We All Scream Five Alarm Funk
75 Dinosaur King Crimson
76 She Caught the Katy The Blues Brothers
77 Take Off Bob and Doug McKenzie
78 Indians Anthrax
79 Low Hanging Fruit Tenacious D
     
     
  TRIBUTES  
     
ALFRED Old Time Rock and Roll Bob Seger
LADANO Next to You The Police
MICHAEL Don’t Fear the Reaper Blue Oyster Cult
PHIL Sinner Judas Priest
FRANK Ride Captain Ride Blues Image Ltd.
TYLER W Belly of the Beast Anthrax
RYAN Paranoid Android Radiohead
ROB A Tricky Run DMC

 

*Search terms on that one oughtta be funny.