The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Phase One: The Squirrel Saga
Chapter 16:  A Crazy Crazy Night (Part 2)

Heading to the haunted fairgrounds of Wicked Lester with the intention of stopping his unholy ritual for unleashing untold power on the Earth, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were separated and now find themselves faced with greater challenges. But neither of them is alone in this.

In the now ordinary Hall of Mirrors, El Moustachio was faced with the need to reawaken the unconscious Tee Bone Man, who had inexplicably fainted only minutes earlier. Luckily, he had just the item for this task. Reaching into his pocket for his smelling cabbage, he held it up to Tee Bone’s nose.

Despite the mask the superhero was wearing, the effect was immediate.  His eyes opened and he sat right up.

“Oh, my head.”, he groaned, rubbing his temples.  “Oh that was unpleasant”, he continued. Then he noticed the Australian in the room.

“Hang on, what are you doing here? Assuming you’re real and even here in the first place.”, he asked.

“I’m real. And I’m here because I got a package from someone explaining the intended machinations of a Wicked Lester. I knew I had to act so I chartered a plane and parachuted in.”

“That explains the second round of fireworks. Tee Bone mused. Did you bring any backup?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact I di-“

It was at this moment, for the second time that day, Tee Bone came face to snout with a particular squirrel.

“Ah!” he screamed, jumping backwards.

“Alright, I’m sensing you have some history with my friend here”, El Moustachio said.

“History?” exclaimed a suddenly manic Tee Bone.  “You don’t know anything about that beast you’re dealing with.  What it’s capable of.  You need to hand it over to me, now.”

“Hand Ripper over?  Why?” asked the now frightened Australian, who picked up the squirrel and cradled it in his arms.

“You named it?  You named it…Ripper?  Well, I’ll give you one thing, you picked an appropriate name.  Now…my friend…please…  Hand.  It.  Over.”

The Australian man pleaded with his eyes, and moustache.  “Please Tee Bone…just relax…breathe a moment.  Imagine you’re in the peace of quiet of your camp, and…”

“Camp?  …Camp?  …CAMP?” murmured Tee Bone in increasing volume.  “That god damned rodent…”

And that was it.  A triggered Tee Bone Man stood before them, a blaze in his eyes.  He was no longer himself.  He roared, a man possessed.  Ripper buried his head in Moustachio’s Australian shirt, taking comfort in the sweet smell of shampoo.  And then, unexpectedly, Tee Bone forcefully shoved Moustachio to the ground, seizing Ripper the squirrel, struggling in his mighty gloves.

“When lightning strikes!” cried Moustachio.  As fast as his Australian reflexes naturally were, they were no match for an insane Tee Bone Man powered by radioactive Scotch.

“Hate is what I am!  And underneath this heart, there beats the heart of man!” screamed the demented superhero.  Moustachio could only stand aside, mouth agape, as Tee Bone glowered in radioactive power.

Ripper spoke in squirrelese.  “Squee, squee, squee!”  Roughly translated:  “OK, fine.  You want a rematch?  I’m in.”

The only thing faster than an overdriven Tee Bone Man was a Canadian squirrel on the defensive.  In a split second, Ripper was on Tee Bone’s face, re-arranging his eyebrows with a fresh trim courtesy of his sharp claws.

“Squeeeeee!” cried Ripper.  Rough translation:  “I hope you don’t mind your new look!”  Tee Bone did indeed look a little different with only one eyebrow!

“You little bastard!” roared Tee Bone Man.  “I was far too kind, launching you to Australia last summer at camp!  But while Moustachio has been harbouring a beast of horrific terror…I’ve been practicing my new guitar!”  Quick as an old western fast-draw gunfigher, Tee Bone aimed his black stealth guitar right at Ripper and launched him 50 feet into the air with a sonic boom.

Ripper recovered quickly, and was suddenly racing back in Tee Bone’s direction.  Just as he was within range, Tee Bone kicked him away with a mighty boot.  The Canadian squirrel lay on the ground panting heavily.  Then, Tee Bone approached, ready to deliver the killing blow.  He cranked the volume knob on his guitar and aimed it at the defeated animal.

In a sudden blur, Moustachio placed his body directly on front of the guitar’s headstock.

“Tee Bone!  No!  Please!  He is my friend!  Do not hurt him…you’ll have to take me down first if you try.”

Tee Bone’s eyes suddenly changed.  They softened, and moisture could be seen glistening on his eyelid.  Slowly, he lowered his guitar and looked down at his Australian friend.  “Moustachio…why?  Why would you give your life for that…vile creature?”

Moustachio slowly approached and silently took Tee Bone’s guitar from his hands.  Tee Bone barely noticed.  He was coming back to himself again.

“Ripper is my friend!” explained the Australian  “It turns out, he just loves a good heavy metal baritone.  He came to my window one afternoon when I was listening to Blaze Bayley’s Live In Poland album, and we became such good friends!  Well…I admit he was a little rough around the edges.  It took him three weeks to stop shitting on my pillow, but he’s housebroken now, and just the best friend you could ask for.  Please Tee Bone…do not hurt my friend.”

Tee Bone looked down, partly ashamed, but mostly relieved.

“I could never hurt your friend, Moustachio.  I feel…better.  I feel…free.”  He bent over to pick up Ripper, who was starting to recover from the battle.

“I’m sorry, Ripper.  Let’s start over.  Peace?”

“Squee!!” answered the little creature.  Rough translation:  “You got it, man!”

“Back to the business at hand?” asked a relieved Moustachio.

The two heroes then turned to the unconscious ‘demon’ on the floor by them. And, curiously, he was looking noticeably less terrifying lying there. The combover and polo shirt weren’t exactly in vogue over at Hot Gothic.

El Moustachio reached into the man’s pocket and pulled out a business card.

“Says his name’s Mr Make Believe”, the Australian hero read. “Explains this whole place then. Nothing but fictional concoctions dreamt up by some clown with too much time on his hands.”

“Yeah”, Tee Bone hesitantly replied, not completely sure that the Australian was correct.

“Well we’d better get moving then”, El Moustachio said, tossing the card aside. “We’re looking for a place called the Psycho Circus, and this certainly isn’t it”.

“How do you know where we need to be?”, Tee Bone quizzed him.

“I read the documents sent with the letter on the flight over here.”, the Australian replied.

“Makes sense. Well how are we getting out of here then?” Tee Bone asked.

“That looks like a good bet”, the El Moustachio replied, pointing to a neon green exit sign.

Tee Bone had no arguments with that, and the two men soon emerged into the cool night. The air was still, but both men knew that it wouldn’t last. They pressed on, keeping a cautious eye over their shoulders.

 

 

Elsewhere, Deke had also revitalised his search of the fairgrounds. Having recently exited the Tunnel of Love via a large crack in the wall, he now also found himself somewhat lost for direction.

Then the sound of a door opening caught his attention. Turning his head, he saw that the source was a place called Rock And Roll Hell. But what surprised him more was the identity of the man who opened the door.

Because, confidently sauntering out of the attraction, was none other than The Snowman. Catching sight of Deke, he calmly walked over to him.

“I must admit I that place doesn’t really live up to the name. Too much like that one in Cleveland.”

“I know the one.” Deke replied slyly. “It’s good to see you again man.”

Deke extended his hand, and The Snowman shook it grinning.

“It’s been too long. After this is all over we gotta have a drink together”

“I’m going to hold you to that”, Deke shot back.

“Gladly, but first we have a Mr Blackwell to stop. Any idea where he might be?”

“Yes, actually, kind of.”, Deke replied. “I know where we need to be, but not where it is.”

“Well I think I can help you with some of that. I snatched this map of the place out from under a vending machine I used to block a door. It’s a little soggy in places but it should do the trick.”

“That’s great!”, Deke exclaimed, and he rushed over to study the piece of paper.

“We’re after a place called the Psycho Circus”, he muttered, scanning the pages. “There.”

“That’s not too far.”, The Snowman said, looking at where Deke’s finger was pointed. “We could even cut through there.”, he continued on, pointing to a spot of his own.

“Better not.”, Deke replied. “After what I’ve seen of this place, I’m not sure I want to be going into a place called Naked City.”

“Fair point.”, The Snowman conceded. “Shall we get going then?”

“We have to find Tee Bone first.”, Deke said.

“But if he doesn’t even know where to go it’s going to be hard to find him. What if we went to the Psycho Circus and then sent up a flare or something. Get him to come to us.”

Deke thought for a moment. That was a very good idea. “Yes, you’re right. That will work.”

With that settled, the two men turned towards the direction of the Psycho Circus, before realising they were not alone.

In their vision now, perched on trees, lampposts and building tops, were countless creatures of the night. Mutant bugs, bats and all other sorts of foul creatures brought into being by toxic radioactive waste dumped on the island.

“Run.” Deke whispered to the American beside him.

The Snowman needed no invitation.

 

 

Elsewhere, Tee Bone and El Moustachio had already been introduced to the creatures of the night. Also recognising that they stood no chance in the open, the two had also run for cover.

And they seemed to have found it. The building they now stood in was tall and solidly built. It also, crucially, had most of its windows boarded up. Right now, the two men appeared to be in a kitchen of sorts and were scavenging for weapons and/or supplies.

El Moustachio didn’t particularly care for the rusted knives and forks, but the fire axe by the door was most appealing.

Tee Bone, meanwhile, had picked up a jar of unknown foodstuffs, and was inspecting the contents. El Moustachio looked over and saw what it said on the label- Carr Jam (1981 Recipe). Best Before: 1992.

“I wouldn’t eat that”, he counselled.

Tee Bone agreed. While he did have a stomach of steel, he still wouldn’t be much help if he was burning up with fever. But them something more alcoholic caught his eye. Surely this would still be good, even after all this time.  He was still sober, and one drink couldn’t hurt.

Tee Bone took a hearty swig, and immediately spat it out.

“Ugh! Cold gin!”

El Moustachio couldn’t help it. He was howling with laughter. And once Tee Bone had recovered, he was too.

But the laughter was cut short by a creak of the floorboards in the corridor outside. Instinctively, the two heroes whirled around, weapons drawn.

Keeping their eyes locked on the door, they carefully circled to more strategic locations around the room.

But before they could react, the door was blown open and two men jumped in. And that’s where things took an unexpected turn, as Tee Bone found himself face to face with none other than The Snowman.

Likewise, El Moustachio, was more than a little surprised to see Deke brandishing one of his gadgets at him.

But only for a brief second, before recognition flickered across Deke’s eyes and he was reacquainting himself with the Australian.

“I didn’t know you’d be here as well, but I’m glad you could make it.”, Deke smiled.

“In one piece too.”, the Australian smiled back, thinking back to the fireworks earlier.

The two joined Tee Bone and The Snowman in getting everyone up to speed.

“Oh, and El Moustachio”, Deke said, “This is The Snowman. He helped us fend of some of Satan’s strongest not too long ago.  You remember him from Christmas?”

“A pleasure to meet you again, one demon-slayer to another,” the Australian said, nodding his head towards The Snowman.

“Likewise!”, the American replied.

“And then he got himself captured by Aliens for looking like Richard Dreyfuss and we had to bail him out”, Deke ribbed

“A common mistake I’m sure”, the Australian said.

But the introductions and reunions were cut short by a smattering of animal sounds from outside the building.

“It’s those beasts again!”, Deke exclaimed.

“They’re coming in!”, El Moustachio yelled trying to keep them at bay by the door.

But it was to no avail. They creatures easily breached the building.

 

 

The group knew they’d be surrounded and overrun if they stayed put and were forced to backpedal up a number of flights of stair to keep all the creatures in their sights. Eventually they found a room with no windows and decided to make their stand there.

Once everyone was inside, Tee Bone slammed the door and piled dressers and draws against it to barricade it.

And it kind of worked. None of the creatures were getting through the door. It’s just that the structural integrity of the walls had not improved over the decades of neglect. Our heroes were now playing a life and death game of whack-a-mole.

Over by the west wall, one of the foul beasts had managed to stick its snout through a notably large gap in the boards and was trying to work the rest of itself through.

Spying this, El Moustachio vaulted over a desk on all fours and swiped the creature across its nose with his fist. It disappeared from whence it came, howling in pain.

Tee Bone, who had watched the whole manoeuvre, was not impressed.

“That squirrel is a bad influence” he chided the Australian.

“Nonsense”, El Moustachio replied. “He brings a whole new set of techniques to the superhero tactical combat arsenal.”

Tee Bone was not convinced, but a warm draft blew through the building, distracting him from his interrogation. The scraping and smashing sounds of earlier had stopped, and the creatures had mysteriously disappeared.

Deke turned to The Snowman.

“Hey…where are we right now?”

The Snowman consulted his map for a few seconds before the colour drained from his face. He looked up and grimly answered Deke.

“The Firehouse.”

A low hum began, and the temperature began to rise. El Moustachio noticed a number of vents around the room.

Deke saw them too.

“Tee! We need an exit!” he yelled.

Tee Bone was already on it, and with one mighty strike of his guitar he sent a sonic boom through the room that reduced their makeshift barricades to splinters.

But they weren’t out of the (fire)woods yet. The rush of air throughout the rest of the building had the immediate effect of setting the place ablaze.

“What’s that they say about the frying pan?”, El Moustachio joked.

 

 

By now the entire building was aflame, and the four men had a very big problem. Wasting no time, the group set about franticly looking for an exit and, ironically, it was the Snowman who could stand the heat the best.

“Guys, over here!”, He yelled from one of the rooms on the south side of the building.

The others ran in and saw what The Snowman had found – an open window that also faced the neighbouring building.

“Brilliant!”, El Moustachio exclaimed.

As Deke pulled his grappling hook out, Tee Bone turned to The Snowman.

“Need a lift?”, he asked.

“Yes please. All outta ice.”, The Snowman replied.

Deke fired, and within seconds, was lifted out of sight. Tee Bone grabbed The Snowman’s arm, before looking back at El Moustachio.

“You got this?”

“I got this.”

Needing to hear nothing more, Tee Bone exited, flying upwards, Snowman in one hand and guitar in the other.

El Moustachio took a few steps back to give himself a run-up. In one hand he held his razor-sharp boomerang and in the other he held the fire axe from the kitchen. He began to run towards the window, speeding up with every step.

When he got within a meter he dove forward out the window as an explosion blew out behind him. With a thud he hit the side of the building next to the Firehouse, digging his boomerang and axe into the stone masonry.

Gritting his teeth, he wrenched the boomerang out of the wall and slammed it back in, one row of bricks higher. He then did the same with the fire axe and continued alternating the two until he had climbed to the roof, bit by bit.

 

 

 

When he reached the top Tee Bone helped him up, and he found his feet atop the not-burning building. But his survival had come at a cost. The axe was now blunt, and his boomerang was twisted and mangled from climb up the building. El Moustachio sadly tossed them aside.

With his weapons appraisal complete, he joined the others in surveying the area. From here they could actually see the Psycho Circus. The spotlights were the main giveaway, along with the cheering that was audible from even here.

“We gotta hurry.”, The Snowman stated.

“I could fly us there.”, Tee Bone suggested.

“I’m not so keen to chance those firework towers a second time. Or the airborne creatures”, Deke replied. El Moustachio nodded his head behind him.

“Fair enough. Looks like we’re going on foot then.”

The group climbed down the building and set off for the Psycho Circus. While they couldn’t see any of the creatures of the night, they were still on edge.

But the most eventful occurrence of the trip ended up being the stumbling upon a shortcut too valuable to pass up. The House of Cards had a service entrance that exited right outside the Psycho Circus.

The group cautiously entered and looked around. Everything was exactly as expected. Giant face cards adorned every wall in the large room. The only strange thing was that the diamond suite had been miscoloured black.

A booming voice from the mezzanine caught their attention.

“The writing’s on the wall for you, heroes! You could barely survive in the outside world; you’ll have no chance in here! Down on your knees and face the execution!”, monologued a man who could only be described as the King of Hearts.

“Is this clown for real?’, “Deke leaned over and whispered to Tee Bone.

“Living in a fantasy, but I reckon we can just breeze past him. He doesn’t look so tough, and we are in a bit of a hurry.”

“Agreed.”, Deke replied.

And with that the four men bolted for the door on the right side of the room.

“Wha-“, the King said, quite dumfounded.

Paying his highness no further attention, our heroes ran into the east corridor, looking for an exit. But the King of Hearts wasn’t going to give up that easily. Halfway down the corridor one of the cards in the wall (the ace, to be precise) came to life as the King leaned out from it, menacing the heroes.

“I’m always near you. There’s nowhere to hide!” he proclaimed.

But he was almost immediately forced to vacate the card when Ripper leapt from El Moustachio’s shoulder and went to town shredding the wall.

“Stupid name anyway.”, Tee Bone grumbled to himself as he watched the squirrel.

The group continued down the corridor, coming to a door at the end.

“There’s nowhere to run!”, the King howled after them from all around.

And he was right, because as the group entered the next room the walls folded in on themselves to block all the other exits. The shadows flashed across the mostly empty room and the King of Hearts was back.

“Room service!”, he yelled as he hacked at the door with his halberd.

 

 

“I’ve had enough of this.” The Snowman said, reaching into his bag.

Pulling out piece after piece, he began to assemble an implement that ended up being a small flamethrower.

“Why does The Snowman need a flamethrower?” El Moustachio asked.

“We don’t exactly want a repeat of the snow goon incident”, The Snowman replied. “Plus it comes in handy during labour disputes. The snowman union drives a hard bargain. Now let’s burn this sucker down.”

With a final check of the weapon and a flick of the safety, the Snowman let it rip through the gap in the door.

“Burn bitch burn”

“Aaiiieeee”, the King screamed as the flames caught his robes, licking their way up towards his face.

Taking advantage of the King of Heart’s futile preoccupation with dousing himself, the group burst out of the door and ran for the service exit. The run went smoothly, and they were not accosted by any irate royals at all.

In no time at all they had found the exit and excused themselves from the premises. Looking back, the group saw that the entire place was ablaze now, as a thick plume of smoke billowed up into the air.

“Crumble tumble house of cards”, Deke smirked to himself.

The smoke also had the effect of eliminating the threat of the creatures of the night. Coughing their guts up, they fell from the sky in droves, unable to see or fly straight through the smoke.

But our heroes were more focused on the task directly in front of them. The Snowman held up his map one last time.

“This is it – the Psycho Circus.”

“Is everyone ready?”, Tee Bone asked.

They all nodded.

“Then let’s get the party started.”

 

To Be Concluded… Tomorrow!

 

---

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)

Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp) 

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp) 

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp) Coming tomorrow!

Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)

 

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & California Girl) (coming soon)

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Phase One: The Squirrel Saga
Chapter 16:  A Crazy Crazy Night (Part 1)

 

Somewhere off the coast of Florida

The wind howled furiously as wave after wave battered the hull of The Chikara. The small fishing vessel had been caught in a vicious squall on the way back to the mainland and was now hopelessly lost in the Atlantic Sea, completely at the mercy of the tropical storm that had quickly developed.

Captain Retsuden stood alone at the helm. Whatever crew he had had left after the majority had taken their chances in the lifeboat had been swept overboard long ago. He defiantly remained by the wheel despite it having about as much control over the ship’s direction as the rats panickily scurrying below him.

Then, in the distance, he spied something that sent a shot of optimism through his heart. A light of some kind. There must have been land nearby. But this brief pang of hopefulness was quickly replaced by a feeling of dread as a second light joined the first and the deck of the ship was bathed in a red glow.

Then there was a loud crack as The Chikara struck something. Or, rather, more correctly, something struck The Chikara. The ship lurched dangerously and began to sink beneath the waves. Retsuden, resigned to his fate, remained at the helm to the very end. After all, the captain always goes down with the ship.

 

---

Meanwhile, in the KMA Eastern offices, a bald man scrambled to bring the past few years of research he had into a coherent package. He had just had the breakthrough he needed after tracking down the source of some cursed Iron Maiden merchandise at a recent concert. This was the last crucial bit of information he needed to pinpoint the location he was after, but he was afraid it might have arrived too late.

He had to act quickly. There was still time to prevent this unholy ritual and its disastrous consequences, but he couldn’t do it alone. Scooping up the most important information, he ran out of his library of books, through the hall of guitars and to the staircase to the lower ground floor. Halfway up the stairs he paused, a thought striking him.

He then ran back down and into his office to the photocopier. A couple minutes later he was out the door and on his way to the post office. He knew he had the contacts necessary (with the right favours owed) to get these packages where they needed to be as soon as possible.

Soon every package had departed for its destination. The man wasn’t sure if any of them would get there in time, but if they did, he hoped that it would be enough. All he could now was hope.

 

---

Elsewhere, in Thunder Bay to be precise, our two superheros were having a most disagreeable night. It was near midnight, but neither of them could sleep, on account of what sounded unpleasantly like a pop concert in the nearby town. Despite living in the secluded forest hideaway of Deke’s Palace, the two were not immune to the laws of physics (well, not all of them at least) and their best soundproofing efforts were not enough to drown out the dance-pop beat that permeated through the castle windows.

To make matters worse, the basement was receiving its annual fumigation and could therefore not be retreated to in this time of need.

At least Tee Bone had managed to find some fun testing out his new guitar. His lightning cracks kept better time than whoever was smashing the skins kilometres away.

But he couldn’t do that all night, and in this moment, had just returned to find Deke furiously assembling what looked like a pair of industrial strength earmuffs.

“They been at it long?” Tee Bone asked.

“Ugh, all night!”, Deke groaned back.

“Maybe I should give them a taste of real music”, Tee Bone said, motioning to his guitar.

“No no no no no no no no, the last thing we need is these people knowing where we live”, Deke quickly shut him down.

“Fair point. What are we going to do then?”, Tee Bone queried.

The answer ended up being something neither of them could have predicted, as an owl, of all things, crashed through the window, large package in tow. Looking at each other incredulously, the two found this development most curious. The owl departed out the way it came with a bit more dignity, leaving Tee Bone to pick up the package and carefully bring it to Deke’s workstation.

 

 

Deke scanned it with his bomb detector. Everything appeared safe, but even so he was on guard. Tee Bone unwrapped it, finding several books, documents and a letter addressed to the duo. Tee Bone began to read.

“Dear Tee Bone Man and Superdekes. Apologies for the nature of this communication, but it was of the utmost importance that this message reach you before dawn. This is Mr Books. We met at the Iron Maiden show a few months ago, and I spent Christmas Day with you guys.

For years I have been troubled by the plans of the wicked Lester Blackwell. A disgraced circus owner, he disappeared long ago, taking his troupe of criminals with him and swearing his revenge upon the world.

Rumour had it there was an island in the Caribbean he bought from the Cuban government that he has hidden himself away in, slowly gathering his army of the depraved and insane. Several naval disappearances have also been linked with the area.

 I have spent the good part of the last decade trying to discern the location of this haunted carnival, and I have finally narrowed it down to the coordinates on the included map. Ancient writings tell of a well of dark soul energy buried beneath the island. Energy that could be unleashed upon the world with the right ritual.

 Word is that it will happen tomorrow and tonight. I have included all the supporting documentation in this package if you would like proof of my words, but I urge you to heed them and head to the coordinates immediately. The whole world is counting on you.

 Regards,

A friend and ally.”

The two sat back, soaking in the information they had just received and thinking back to all the people they talked to at the Iron Maiden show.  Ah yes.  Aaron, “Mr. Books” himself.  Of course.  But Books tended to stay out of the big-level threat adventures.  Was it really from him?

“It could be a trap”, Deke mused.

“True, but if someone has it out for us we’re going to cross them eventually. It’s not like we have anything better to do here anyway”, Tee Bone replied, motioning towards the large earmuffs in front of Deke.

“Don’t remind me”, he muttered.

“And if this letter is genuine, we have a serious duty to the world as heroes to stop this Mr Blackwell.” Tee Bone continued.

“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s do this”

Deke got up and grabbed his backpack, quickly filling it with whatever gadgets he had at hand. Once satisfied he headed down to the basement with Tee Bone and mounted his flying motorbike. With a reassuring nod between them, the two set off into the night, unaware of just exactly what was in store for them.

 

 

First on the agenda was, apparently, flak cannons. Well, not really, but to all intents and purposes to the little flying motorbike they were. They were actually fireworks, and they were too close to comfort for Deke and Tee Bone.

They had started shortly after the duo had sighted the island they were after. While it had been mostly shrouded in a sickly fog, a few towers and other constructions protruded above the mist. And it was from these towers that the armaments assailing them originated.

The firepower forced Deke to fly the bike low over the sea, barely clearing the choppy waves below. But it did the trick, and the two heroes shortly landed on the marina part of wicked Lester Blackwell’s fairgrounds.

And by golly had it seen better days. Rubbish littered the ground everywhere, as peeling facias, faded paint and rusted metal abounded as far as the eye could see. The entire place was dying a slow, painful death deteriorating away with each passing day.

But Deke and Tee Bone were not here to be safety inspectors. Though there were no signs of life yet, they knew better than to trust the exterior appearance. They cautiously moved deeper into the carnival, passing through a strip of dilapidated booths on their way to the mainland.

As they walked, nameplates such as The Man of 1000 Faces, Russian Roulette and Mr Speed caught their eyes. A cursory examination of the booths indicated that they had not been used in some time, but Tee Bone couldn’t shake the feeling that something sinister was amiss.

 

 

And he didn’t have to wait long for confirmation. As the two reached the mainland and approached the Journey of 1000 Years rollercoaster, the sound of running feet caught Tee Bone’s ear. He swung around to face the source of the sound, but the area behind them was as dead as it had been when they walked through it moments ago.

And then he was flat on his face on the grimy floor, hit down from behind. A thump from his right indicated Deke had befallen a similar fate. Tee Bone jumped to his feet but couldn’t see anyone. However, he had a trick up his sleeve. He struck a power chord and watched the sound waves fly out in front of him.

And there he was. The sound waves had thickened the air such that when the individual that was now visible attempted to run through them, they slowed him down enough for Deke and Tee Bone to see.

The individual was a young man with a bright red mohawk, like a fin, and wearing a skintight aerodynamic suit with a lightning bolt on it. This must have been the Mr Speed the booth earlier was talking about. Marvellous.

Deke and Tee Bone quickly threw themselves against each other back-to-back and tried to fight off their foe a little better. And they did see some success, as the rate at which their jaws received a left hook was drastically reduced.

 

 

This did not please the zooming zoomer, who retaliated by speeding up to the rusting signage above our two heroes, detaching a large piece and pushing it towards our heroes on the ground. Thankfully it only smashed itself to pieces when it hit the ground, as Tee Bone had dived left into a nearby hedge and Deke had thrown himself backwards through the doors to the Journey of 1000 Years.

Immediately back on the ground, Mr Speed quickly took advantage of this, laying a punch so heavy into Deke that it knocked him unceremoniously into the rollercoaster car. And no sooner had Deke comprehended this was he thrust back into the seat as the coaster lurched forward and began the ride.

“Deke!” Tee Bone cried out, but he was quickly silenced by a fist to the guts from a certain rapid individual. Bent over in pain, Tee Bone decided that he’d had enough, and he wound up his arm and struck a seismic chord so powerful the sound wave liquefied the ground in front of him as they passed through it. And this had exactly the desired effect as Mr Speed, trapped by the sound waves, sunk waist deep into the mucky ground. And once the sound waves stopped trapping him the newly solid again ground did.

A great deal of swearing followed as Tee Bone walked out of earshot and poked his head into The Journey of 1000 Years. There was no sign of Deke, but Tee Bone knew he had to be somewhere on the island still. He just didn’t have the time to stand around waiting for Deke to get back here. He had to move on and hope he found his friend.

Then his attention was caught by the crack of fireworks in the sky above. The sound of a plane buzzing above him also answered why they were being fired. Thankfully, the plane appeared to make it out unscathed, as the sound of its engine eventually disappeared from Tee Bone’s ears

 

 

Meanwhile, back in the coaster, Deke had been receiving a super-condensed history of the earth as the coaster raced through the ride. He had narrowly avoided having his head bitten off by an animatronic T-rex (don’t ask) and he was sure that wasn’t going to be the last attempt on his life.

And he was right. Because immediately approaching was the end of the line. The tracks had been broken at the turn ahead and Deke was about to go over the edge. He fumbled around in his bag as the coaster hurtled towards its final destination, pulling out his grappling hook mere seconds before the track ended.

And, wasting no time, he immediately fired it towards the rafters. It caught on a beam and lifted him high above the track. He watched as the coaster hurled itself off the edge and exploded below in a fireball.

“That was too close”, Deke muttered to himself.

Once the fire below him had burned out, he slowly lowered himself to the ground and began to search for an exit. He soon stumbled across a maintenance access door and availed himself of this pathetic excuse for a history lesson.

He found himself in the midst of a number of rides and attractions, and he didn’t exactly fancy the sound of any of them. Detroit Rock City sounded like the sort of place he’d need Tee Bone to conquer, and he’d had enough of prehistory to go into Back to the Stone Age.

In the end he chose the Tunnel of Love. Surely it couldn’t be that bad.

Elsewhere in the carnival, Tee Bone was also in the midst of searching for any clues as to the location of the ritual site. He had reached the heart of the attractions as Deke had, and was similarly not too enthused at the sound of most of them.

Eventually, he chose to begin his investigations in the Hall of Mirrors. At least there he could see anyone trying to sneak up on him.

Or at least so he thought. No sooner had he stepped foot in the hall, the door swung shut and suddenly he was trapped in the dim, foggy light with no way out.

 

 

Deke was also wrong. It could be that bad. He was now sailing down a one-way current in a rotting dinghy towards who knows what horrors. It was already disconcerting enough that the ‘stalactites’ above his head were actually rusting, bloodstained blades.

But they were staying in place for now, so Deke kept his head low and focused on bailing out any water that got into the boat. His vigilance paid off, and he was able to keep himself afloat.

Eventually, a fork in the river appeared. While both paths looked the same, a beat-up sign on the island separating them caught Deke’s attention. ‘Got love for sale’ it said, along with an arrow pointing to the left.

Deke broke a chunk off the boat’s hull and started paddling to the left. At least he might find someone there who he could extract some information out of. And he did, for it was not long until the boat hit land.

Before him was not a sight he had hoped to see. The rusted blades and blood-soaked implements of the tunnel earlier had been nothing compared to this. Through the dim light Deke spied what he was pretty certain was a gruesome backyard surgeon’s ‘operating theatre’. So much for getting information out of anyone. Judging by the bodies around, there wasn’t much left to get out of the people here.

And he was not alone here either. A man in a (mostly) white surgical coat was leaning against a cabinet, aimlessly whitling a broken heart shape into the wood.

The man looked up and noticed Deke. He smiled wide in a toothy grin that was more unnerving that reassuring. He taunted Deke, who was still standing in his boat on the water’s edge.

“They call me Dr Love, because stay with me for one night and I’ll steal your heart”, he said, brandishing his scalpel.

Refusing to be intimidated, Deke reached into his bag for his collapsible baton and advanced on the so-called surgeon who called this place home.

This man was going down right now on principle.

---

Tee Bone was not having a very pleasant time either. Something had gone very wrong in the Hall of Mirrors. All manner of grotesque creatures and terrifying hellscapes leapt out of him wherever he looked.

He pulled out his guitar and tried to play, but his fingers were shaking too badly. When he finally succeeded in striking a note that shattered the mirrors and their fearsome vista, it was revealed that all he had done was turn them from a window to a door, the hellscapes and demons now appearing with even greater fidelity.

Tee Bone ran, finding himself only deeper in the labyrinth, with intact mirrors and the terrors they captured as far as the eye can see. Rounding a corner, he abruptly came to the most horrifying sight yet.

 

 

Tee Bone almost passed out. ‘Reflected’ in front of him was…himself?. Sunken crimson eyes, a dark suit and cape and, worst of all, a thick beard and moustache. It was the face of evil and it was staring right into Tee Bone’s soul.

His anger briefly outweighing his horror, he punched his hand clean through the mirror, as if this show of force asserted that he would never become like that wicked being in the mirror. Looking away briefly, his eyes caught sight of a silhouette in the fog.

“Deke, is that you? Talk to me”, he called out into the fog.

No sooner had the words left his mouth, the figure scurried off into the darkness. The sound of a shard of glass hitting the ground turned his attention back towards the cracked mirror in front of him.

In the fractured mirror he now saw something different, someone he didn’t recognise. A mop of wild green hair sat atop this person’s head and they were dressed mostly in orange save for a bright green cape and gloves. They cackled maniacally as Tee Bone staggered backwards.

The laughter echoed around the room, and Tee Bone became acutely aware that it was now coming from two sources.

Spinning around, he came face to face with a demon unlike any other he’d seen before. Its eyes burned like red coals and it radiated terror. The creature advanced on Tee Bone, the laughter getting louder with each step.

Then everything abruptly stopped, as the figure menacing Tee Bone had been whomped upside the head by something and was now falling forward onto the ground, noticeably less demonic in appearance.

And standing there triumphantly above the fallen villain was El Moustachio, the hero of Australia. In his hand was his moustache-shaped boomerang and on his shoulder there was a furry little black animal eating an acorn.

And this time Tee Bone did pass out.

“What spooked him?” El Moustachio asked the squirrel on his shoulder.

 

 

Deke was breathing hard. The doctor’s wiry frame had held a surprising amount of strength, and Deke hadn’t been able to finish the fight as fast as he’d hoped.

And now the good doctor had traded his scalpel for a more potent weapon- a buzzsaw. And he had Deke on the back foot. But the wily Canadian always had a plan. Backtracking past a table, he subtly swiped a scalpel of his own as he went, afforded the opportunity on account of the bad doctor reaching the end of the extension cord.

But Doctor Love merely laughed and taunted him, aiming a gun squarely at Deke’s chest. It had a curious heart-shaped barrel.

“Love’s a deadly weapon, you know.”

 

 

And he pulled the trigger. Click. Click, click. Empty.

Deke smirked. A few more steps back and everything was in place. Despite his feelings towards this man, Deke gave him one chance to stand down.

“Drop it and you can still walk away with your life”, he offered.

“Ha! So you’re getting desperate now then, eh?” the doctor incorrectly inferred. “I must admit, that doesn’t really shock me.”

Deke sighed and jumped up onto the surgical table. This puzzled the doctor, which gave Deke the opportunity to hurl the scalpel with pinpoint precision at a generator cord on the ground. It pierced it true, and the damp ground did the rest.

Doctor Love was dead before he hit the ground, his corpse still twitching as it lay there. Eventually one of the few circuit breakers around decided to kick in and the area once again become safe to step on.

Deke jumped down and, taking a moment to catch his breath, he began searching the area for any clues as to where he should go next. It wasn’t long before he found it: A letter from Lester Blackwell himself, just recently opened. Deke began to read it.

 

Tonight’s the night! You are cordially invited to the Grand Ascendancy at the Psycho Circus. Please arrive after midnight in your finest dress. All will be rewarded for their years of loyalty.  

 

Deke checked his watch. They were running out of time.

But at least now they knew where to go.

He just had to find Tee Bone first.

 

To be continued… Tomorrow!

 

 

---

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain)

Chapter Fourteen:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)

Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp) 

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp) Coming tomorrow!

Chapter Sixteen:  A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp) Coming Thursday!

Chapter Seventeen:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One – The Squirrel Saga!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)

 

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Writer’s Room:  Welcome to the Writer’s Room!

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & California Girl) (coming in June)