The Northern Lights: A Doctor in the House Part III

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Nine:  A Doctor in the House Part III

For Part I, click here.

For Part II, click here.

London.

“Now, try not to stand out!” instructed the Doctor.  “The year is 1977 and we are looking for Mr. Derek Riggs, the man who…”

An excited Mike spoke up.  “The very man who would paint all of Iron Maiden’s ‘real’ classic album covers?”

The Doctor, a tall Scottish man with curly white hair in a black coat, sighed in impatience.  “Yes.  Derek Riggs, who was murdered in an altered timeline, in this city, tonight at two minutes to midnight.  Only this time, he won’t be.  This time, we’re going to intercept the killer, and stop them from altering the timeline.  Are we all clear?”

Johnny Homework stood and saluted.  “Got it, Captain.  Err, I mean Doctor!”

“Got it,” said Harrison, never one to use seven words when he can use two.

“Me too,” said Mike in rare brevity.

“Squee squee!” said Ripper the Squirrel, as he raised a paw.  “Squee!”

“Right!” said the Doctor as he placed his trademark sunglasses over his eyes.  “Let’s go.  Oh!”  He stopped and turned.  “If any of you were alive in 1977, try to avoid meeting your past selves.  Terribly complicated stuff that is.  Just avoid it completely.  Okay?”

Harrison laughed.  “No chance of running into me for a few decades!” he remarked.

“Good.  Great,” said the Doctor.  He clapped and turned.  “Alright!  Off we go.”

The group walked a few steps when suddenly the Doctor halted them.  “Oh, fer…not YOU!”

Before them stood another familiar man, walking in the opposite direction.  Dressed in a floppy brown hat, brown coat, and long multicoloured scarf, his brown curls cascaded over his shoulders.  His eyes, already quite wide, grew only wider.  He stopped in his tracks.  “Do I know you sir?”

“Ohhhh no, but you will.  You will…Doctor,” said Number Twelve.

Realizing who stood before him, the man in brown turned away slightly.  “I don’t think we should be meeting like this…”

“Who is it?” asked Johnny.

Mike answered.  “That, my friend, is the Doctor.  The Fourth Doctor.  The legendary Fourth Doctor!  Arguably the best of them all, but that’s between him and Twelve as far as I rank them.”

“Wow,” said Harrison.  “You must be very excited Mike.”

“Yes!  I’m very excited!  But also scared to death!  Should they be meeting like this?”

“Scared is like a superpower Mike, remember that!” said a calming Johnny.  Meanwhile, the two Doctors were eyeing each other.

“What are you doing here?” asked the Twelfth.

“You don’t remember?” asked the Fourth.  “I’m here with Leela and K-9 on a bit of a holiday.”

“Where are they now?” questioned Twelve.

“They’re at a shop having K-9 serviced, you can’t remember any of this?” queried Four.

“No, I don’t,” thought Twelve.  “Someone has been re-writing history.  Why does K-9 need servicing?” he asked.

“It was the oddest thing,” said Four.  “We were preparing to depart for the Lighthouse on Fang Island, but before we boarded the TARDIS, a mohawked thug attacked us with a knife.  He did some minor damage to K-9 and we needed some spare gaskets, we were all out.”

Twelve thought to himself.  “Fang Island I remember.  K-9 being damaged, I don’t.  I wonder if this is connected to what we are investigating.”

Johnny Homework, who had indeed done his homework, raised his hand.  “Umm, Doctors?  The murder we were here to investigate, Derek Riggs?  He was also killed – err, will be killed – in a knife attack.  On this day, tonight.  Witnesses described an assailant with a ‘Mohican haircut’.”

“Same day, same weapon?” both Doctors said simultaneously.  Then Twelve thought to introduce his companions.

“Doctor, I’d like you to meet Johnny, Mike and Harrison.  The little black primitive mammal and supreme troublemaker is Ripper.  Don’t trust that one,” he cautioned.

“Nice to meet you Doctor, I’m such a fan,” said a gushing Mike.  “When I was a kid I asked my mom to make me a scarf just like yours.”

Number Four feigned surprise, but knew his scarf was awesome.  “Why thank you, young man.  Now, I usually hate to defer to someone else’s leadership other than my own, but in this situation you seem to know more about what is going on than I do.  Do we have a plan, Doctor?”

Twelve smiled with phony confidence.  “I always have a plan.”

He did not have a plan.  He had been too busy trying to save humanity, and forgot to think of one.

“That’s great!” said Mike.  “What is it?”

Improvising, Number Twelve plotted.  “The plan is…” he paused, still trying to think of a plan.  “The plan is, we know where Derek Riggs is to be murdered tonight, and we know when, and we ever know how!  With a knife at precisely two minutes to midnight, on the corner outside the Ruskin Arms in East Ham.  So: we hide, we lie and await the killer, and when we see Mr. Riggs, Johnny will tail him from a safe distance to ensure his safety.”  Johnny nodded in understanding.  “Don’t let him out of your sight.  Mike and Harrison, you will stay close with us.  When the killer makes himself known, the Doctor and I will apprehend him and bring him back to the TARDIS for interrogation.  Are we clear?”

Everyone nodded in the affirmative.

“Good,” said Twelve.  “Let’s go scope out the location.”

East Ham

It was dark.  The Doctors and companions were alert and hidden.  At the corner of Ruskin Ave and High St. North, they awaited in position, out of sight and silent.  Johnny Homework stood on the corner, waiting to spot Derek Riggs, should he appear as scheduled.  Johnny wondered if all the time travel and interference they had witnessed would mean that Derek Riggs might not show at all.  He pulled his hair back into a ponytail when the English wind kept blowing it in his face.  He wondered why the Fourth Doctor’s hair was always in perfect curls no matter what the wind was doing.  Might be the hat.

The minutes ticked by, agonizingly slow.  They hunched in phone booths, by dumpsters, and avoided lamplight.  They breathed heavy.  Ripper the Squirrel, blending in with the night, leaped from a brown telephone box to a lamp post, the ultimate lookout.  From below, Harrison had eyes on Ripper, awaiting any signal.

Ten minutes to midnight.  Johnny, uncomfortable in his shoes, shifts his weight from foot to foot.  He loosens his collar.  The seconds pass as slow as time-snails.

Nine minutes to midnight.  Mike’s glasses fog up, rendering him visionless.  He takes them off to wipe on his T-shirt, but his breath keeps repeating the problem.

Eight minutes to midnight.  Ripper loses his footing a moment, but regains his balance.  Harrison almost misinterprets this as a signal.

Seven minutes to midnight.  People are streaming out of the Ruskin Arms, as a local band finished their set.  The street crowds with pubgoers in various stages of intoxication.  Johnny panicks.  Too many people.   He can’t make out if Riggs is one of them or not.

Six minutes to midnight.  The Doctors look at each other with serious eyes.  One’s large and protruding, the other’s framed by unruly grey eyebrows, like little wire brushes.  Number Twelve removes his sonic screwdriver from his pocket.  Four follows his lead.

Five minutes to midnight.  The crowd was already thinning as taxis ferried away many of the concert goers.  A few people remained.  One vomits in a garbage can, not far from where the Doctors hide.

Four minutes to midnight.  Derek Riggs, young and skinny, emerges from the thinning mass of humans, and lights a cigarette beneath a yellow streetlamp.  It is like a scene from one of his own Iron Maiden album covers.  Johnny spots him and moves into a better position to tail him.

Three minutes to midnight.  One of the taxis lets a man out, rather than picking someone up.  The man is dressed like a punk and is very out of place for this crowd.  He has a mohawk and walks in Riggs’ direction.  Ripper gives the signal.  With fear as his superpower driving his actions forward, Johnny Metal walks in the direction of Derek Riggs.  The Mohican does the same.  Johnny has to hurry, or the punk would reach him first!  Derek smokes unawares, still deafened by the show.  The Doctors, Mike and Harrison all rise from their positions.

Two minutes to midnight.  Johnny runs to Riggs….

It was like time, frozen.  Everything unfolded in a few blinks of an eye.

“Hey, Derek!  How ya doing?” said Johnny as he rushed Derek Riggs.  Riggs looked up.  Johnny was in the air, tackling Riggs and pushing him out of danger!  Johnny and Derek both hit the pavementm, a little harder than intended.  Both men were winded from the fall.

The punk was soon on top of them both.  Pinned beneath his knees, the assailant cared not whether he killed one or two people tonight.  Maybe he’d be paid more if he killed both of these men.

He raised his knife in the air, readying to kill the smaller man, Riggs – his primary target – first.  Then, when he was bleeding out, he’d finish with his long-haired friend.  He prepared to strike, but suddenly froze in pain.  He threw the red-hot blade to the ground and screamed, as his hand burned.

The Doctors emerged with their sonic screwdrivers, which had caused the knife to heat up to 200 degrees in an instant.  Mike kicked the blade away from the punk, while Harrison attended to Johnny and Riggs.  The punk, in pain but also in survival mode, pushed past the two Doctors, and ran down Ruskin Ave.  Mike gave pursuit, as the two Doctors recovered their balance.  Johnny and Harrison then tended to Derek Riggs, and brought him back inside the Ruskin Arms while Mike lost ground to the fleeing punk.

Thinking he had evaded his pursuers, the mohawked punk ducked in a doorway to catch his breath.  The pain caught up with him; his right hand sizzling from the hot knife.  He held in a scream, but it didn’t matter.

From above, Ripper the Squirrel leaped onto his mohawked head.  With only a thin line of hair to protect him, Ripper’s claws made deep scratches in his scalp, and then his face.  The punk tried to swipe Ripper away, but he was training in the art of Australian Ninjitsu.  He easily hung onto the punk, digging deep furrows into his face.  Soon the punk was surrounded, with two sonic screwdrivers pointed directly at him.

The Twelfth Doctor approached the punk and smiled.  “Got you.”

The punk spat.  “Get stuffed mate!”

“Oh, we will.  We will.  On tea and cakes when we return from this mission, I specifically requested hot tea, and cakes are just expected at evening with hot tea,” sneered number Twelve.

“What, old man?” asked the punk.

“He’s not a man, he’s a Time Lord.  And you’re coming with us,” said Mike.  “And you’re gonna answer our questions.  And if you don’t, Ripper will persuade you that it’s in your best interests.  Follow me…mate?”

The punk nodded in grave understanding.

The punk was restrained aboard the TARDIS.  Both doctors and all the companions surrounded him.  Number Twelve had assumed control of the interrogation.  Ripper sat atop the punk’s head, messing up his mohawk.  The punk was already bleeding from the punishment he took back at the Ruskin Arms.

“Now, I’ll cut to the chase.  You don’t look like the time travelling type, now are you?” questioned Twelve.

“Wot?” asked the punk.

“Didn’t think so.  So you’re being paid, yes?”

“Y-yes.”

“By whom?” said the Doctor with grave sincerity.

“Get stuffed mate!”

“Is that a first, middle and last name?  Or should Ripper ask you this time?”

Ripper licked his fangs.

“Listen…he…he…told me if I ratted him he, he’d kill me ‘e would!”

“Well, then it’s a question of how you’d rather die.  Death by squirrel claw is quite slow and…stingy”  Ripper raised a paw in response.

“Alright!  Alright!  I’ll talk.  He’s called…I call him General Pepperpot.”

Mike had had enough.  “Oh come on!  That’s not a name!”

“I…I don’t know his real name!” said the punk.  “I call him General Pepperpot!  Not to his face, but I don’t know his name!”

“But you know his face?” asked the Fourth Doctor?  “You’ve seen…you’ve seen this General Pepperpot’s face?”

“Yes but I don’t know his real name, believe me mate!” pleaded the punk.

“What does he look like,” asked number Four.

“He’s…blind…literally his eyes are gone!  He’s in an electric wheelchair…” the punk stopped talking.  Then he yelled “I don’t know his real name!”

“He’s lying,” said Mike.  “He knows more.”

Ripper prepared a claw, and aimed it at the punk’s eyebrows.

“OK!  OK!  Like I said it’s not a name I ever heard before!  Hard to remember but starts with a D!  Not David…not Dennis…  Something with a D, I can’t remember mate, I swear, it’s a weird name blokes!”

The two Doctors spoke simultaneously.  “Davros!”

The punk’s eyes suddenly exploded in size.  “N…N…No…”

“It’s Davros!” said Twelve.  “That’s who’s behind this!  We ran into the Daleks on the last leg of this trip.”

“Davros,” said Four.  “We must be cautious.”

“We must,” agreed Twelve.  He turned to the punk.  “Tell us where to find Davros.”

“I can’t.  He’ll kill me,” cowered the punk.

The Doctor sighed.  “Ripper…convince him.”

It only took Ripper minutes to divulge all the needed information from the punk, who they left at the local police with his face mostly intact.  The Doctors and companions considered their next move.

“If Davros is behind all this, then we can be assured that the Earth and its future are at stake,” said Four.  Twelve nodded in agreement.

“Maybe the universe itself,” added the older Doctor.

“So what do we do?” asked Mike.  “Do we just knock on the door and say ‘Hey Davros it’s us, can we come in’?”

Four looked at Twelve.  “Why not?  Let’s do just that.”

“Are you serious right now?” asked Johnny.

“Yes.  Perfectly,” said Twelve.  “Apparently they were supposed to meet at a specific warehouse, for which we now have the address thanks to Ripper.  Let’s go meet Davros.”

The Twelfth Doctor manned the TARDIS console while the Fourth watched.

“I must say,” said Four as he cast his gaze about.  “I don’t like what you’ve done with the place.”

“It suits me,” said Twelve.  “I tire of the old plain white, stainless steel, that you and your predecessors are so fond of.”  He pulled the controls, and the TARDIS made the quick jump to the warehouse on the south side.

The crew soon disembarked, and approached the darkened warehouse door.

“Should we knock?” asked Four.

“Nae,” answered Twelve.  The two raised their sonic screwdrivers to the door.   They each activated their devices, but they had no effect.  They each tried again, only to fail a second time.

Mike approached the door on his own.  He knocked.  Then, in the worst accent he could muster, he shouted.  “Oi!  Davros!  Riggs is dead ‘e is, open the door and lemme in.”  He paused.  Everyone cringed at his punk rocker impression, but suddenly the door opened before them!  Shrugging, Mike led them inside.

The group walked cautiously through the doorway, into the warehouse.  They looked around, when suddenly a side door opened on the right.  From the door emerged two Daleks.

“THE DOC-TOR!” alerted one.

“TWO DOC-TORS! alerted the other.  “EXTERMINATE!”

“ALERT DAVROS!  HE MUST EVACUATE!  EVACUATE!  EVACUATE!”

One Dalek turned to attend to Davros, while the other turned to face the Doctors and companions.  The first Dalek disappeared behind the closing door while the other aimed its eyestalk at Twelve.

“YOU…YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE.”

“Well that’s rather presumptuous of you to say,” replied Twelve.  “Now get out of our way.  We have a visit with Davros scheduled and we hate to be late.”

“EXTERMINATE!”

But then, from the rafters above, leaped Ripper the Squirrel!  He landed directly on the Dalek’s weapon, deflecting the shot awkwardly onto the ground.  On cue, Johnny, Mike and Harrison attacked the Dalek, with Johnny ripping the weapon from its socket while the other two restrained the Dalek.  Harrison then knocked the Dalek’s eyestalk askew using Australian Kung-Fu, blinding the alien machine.

“BLINDED…BLINDED…” cried the Dalek in its digital voice.

“Come on!” commanded the Twelfth Doctor!  “To Davros!”

The party ran through the side door, but it was too late.  Davros’ lab was there, but empty.  Abandoned.  They had escaped.  Davros always has an escape route.  The group sighed in disappointed dejection.

“All this for nothing?  No Davros?” asked Mike.

“Not for nothing,” answered Twelve.  We stopped him from killing Riggs, and next would have been David Walker, which would have prevented him from joining Black Sabbath.”

“Look!” shouted Four.  “Davros may have escaped but he left everything behind.”  He pointed at a screen.  He motioned Harrison to come forward.  “Do these names look familiar to you?”

Harrison looked at a screen, and placed his hands on a console.  He gasped as he looked at the names on it.

“Ozzy Osbourne…Ronnie James Dio…Geezer Butler…Tony Iommi…” Harrison paused and read ahead.  “He has everyone who was ever going to be in Black Sabbath…all of Deep Purple…Iron Maiden…Judas Priest…Fleetwood Mac…even the singer from Rush.  The list goes on and on!  Riggs and Walker were just the start of a mass killing spree!”

Johnny Homework spoke up.  “It would have been a heavy metal holocaust.  All of our favourite bands.  But why?”

“There’s more here…so much more…” said Harrison.  Suddenly, three of the screens above them came to life.

“Doctor!  You have failed again!”  It was the eyeless visage of Davros, encased in his Dalek armor.  He was taunting them.

Number Four spoke up.  “But why, Davros?  What did you hope to gain?”

Davros laughed.  Suddenly, the console on which Harrison had been working heated up.  “Stand back!” said Harrison.  The console exploded into sparks.  The screens over their heads went black.

“Davros.  He destroyed the data!” said Mike.

“Not all of it!” said Harrison.  “Quickly, I need to tell you everything I read!”

The Doctors and companions stood in a circle aboard the TARDIS.  Harrison sat in the center, recalling every detail he could remember.

“OK, deep breath,” said Harrison as he began.  “Here comes the exposition part.  My friends and Doctors, we are in a time loop paradox.  It started when we arrived in 66,000,000 BC and changed history.  Then, when we arrived in the alternate 1977, some time-traveling Daleks were already there.  They found an unpopulated Earth, and they told Davros all about it.”

“But we prevented that alternate timelime,” said Johnny.

“It wouldn’t matter,” explained Twelve.  “The Daleks sent a message through time and space, and our Davros, in our time received it.  Thus, informing our Davros of Earth’s possible alternate future.”

“And that is exactly what happened,” confirmed Harrison.  “But there is more.  Not only was Davros now aware of Earth’s possible future, but he also became aware for the first time of a certain superhero team called the Northern Lights.”

“Oh, no.  I was afraid you were going to say that,” groaned Mike.

Harrison continued.  “He came to 1977, a critical period in time for so much of the music that drew us all together.  He contacted local thugs and began his intended, but now prevented, murder spree.”

“But why?” asked Johnny.

“A two-fold answer, a possible win-win for Davros.  Before we prevented his killing, the death of Derek Riggs and Dave Walker got our attention, and set us off on this mission.  It was his hope that we would cause the de-population of the Earth, 66 million years ago, leaving it ripe for his taking.”

“My God!” cried Mike.  “And if those Daleks back in…back in that other 1977, if they got us, even one of us, they very well might have succeeded.”

“As I said, time travel paradoxes,” said Harrison.

“Very timey-wimey,” confirmed Twelve.

“Ah, but I’m not finished yet, good Doctor!” said Harrison.  “This goes even further.”

“Yes, you mentioned a win-win for Davros,” said Mike.  “What is the other win?”

“Davros learned enough about the Northern Lights to know that we all connected in the first place because of music.  Not just the three of us, but all of us.  John Williams was on the list.  In 1977 he composes Star Wars.  Mike, would you and Rob Daniels have been friends without that soundtrack?”  Mike shook his head.

“Probably not…” guessed Mike.

“John Williams was the next name on the list.  Number three,” finished Harrison as Mike gasped.  “Davros’ secondary goal was to prevent the Northern Lights from ever forming.”

Mike shook his head.  “I don’t understand.  Why does he care about us?”

“When Davros scoured the universe for information about us, he also learned of Unicron.”

Both Doctors perked their ears in interest.  “I’m not familiar with that name, are you?” asked Four of Twelve.  Number Twelve shook his head in the negative and asked, “Who or what is Unicron?”

Mike explained.  “I tried to tell you earlier.  Unicron is a cosmic entity from another universe.  A planet eater.  He has the powers of a dark god and an army of living robots.  Of course Davros would ally himself with a mechanical being like that.”

Harrison resumed explaining what he learned.  “Unicron offered Davros technology that would have made today’s Daleks look like antiques.  He offered them Cybertronian robotics.  How could Davros refuse the chance to take the Daleks evolution up to the next stage?  All Unicron asked him to do was destroy the Northern Lights.  Us.”

“It seems you’re all a little bit more important than I first assumed,” said the Twelfth Doctor.  “However, you have demonstrated courage, strength, fortitude, creativity and intelligence beyond my meager expectations.”

“Thank you?” said Johnny with a chuckle.

“And that wee beast!”  He pointed right at Ripper.  “That troublemaker, at the center of this whole time loop.  That thing is a viscous creature, so keep an eye on it and keep it well fed!”  He stopped and looked at the group before him.

“The Earth is in good hands,” finished Twelve.  “We may cross paths again.  Then again, we may not.  Your friend, the 80s Metal Man, knows how to contact me.  As for now, we need to get this old brown-coated relic back to Leela and K-9.”  He gestured at Number Four, who raised his hands in mock insult.  “And, we need to get you back to your time.  Davros failed to deliver, to this Unicron, on all counts, so that may be the end of their transactional relationship.  If not…if not, one of us will be in touch.  Just not sure which one of us it will be next time.”  The Twelfth Doctor smiled.  “You have plenty of adventures ahead of you yet.  Good ones.  Righteous ones.  Scary ones!  But remember what I said about being scared.  It’s your super power.  You’ll see.”

Epilogue.

Mike and Harrison sat with Tim Durling, in person this time.  Alone, in his office, with only his assistant Rufus in the room with them, Tim tried to absorb all this new information.

“You know, it was only yesterday that I even learned Doctor Who was real, so this is all rather mind blowing.”

“It’s just ‘The Doctor’,” corrected Mike.

Tim waved his hands. “Too much information.  Give me the bottom line.  Did we succeed?”

“Well, let’s test that theory.  Who replaced Ozzy Osbourne in Black Sabbath in 1977?”

“Oh that’s a good one,” said Tim.  “But easy; David Walker of Savoy Brown and, of course, Fleetwood Mac, who I wrote a book on.  You can buy it on Amazon.  My new book is about Toto.”

“Yes, we know,” Mike nodded in approval.  “Question two:  Who is Angine de Poitrine?”

“One of our favourite new bands.  Those two alien guys with the polka dots.  YOW!” answered Tim.

“And they’ve never been on an Iron Maiden album cover?” asked Mike in a followup question.

“What?  No, that’s absurd.  Why would you say that?” asked Tim.

“Then I can assure you, our mission was a complete success.  The timeline has been restored.”  Harrison and Mike both agreed.

Tim took a big sigh of relief.  “Excellent.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I like to rock, and I’d like to get back to that.”

“Mind if we join you?  I’m a hard rock kid, after all,” said Mike.

“Excellent!” smiled Durling.  “How about some April Wine?”

And with that, the three friends embarked upon a night of great music and even greater relaxation.

The end.

Or not the end.

66,000,000 BC.

The female Purgatorius lay in her comfortable nest.  Mother of all, she was pregnant, and needed her rest.  What she would never know was how important her next generation was to the destiny of the Earth.  The entire future of humankind was locked in her womb, awaiting its inevitable evolution.  She had no conception of this.  Only the instinct to nurture and protect.  At this moment, that was all she knew.

She also would never know who the father was.  It could be her nest mate, the male with whom she shared this forest.  Or, could it be that strange black-coated creature, that she briefly explored that big blue box with?  She would never know.  In time she would forget about that big blue box, Ripper, and their adventure completely.

Timey-wimey.  How about that.

There are things that we’ll never know; never meant to know.  Perhaps it is better to leave these questions unanswered, open, and begging for your imagination to wander with them through time.

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Northern Lights: A Doctor in the House Part II

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Nine:  A Doctor in the House Part II

For Part I, click here!

The TARDIS roared as it completed its 66 million year journey back through time!

The Doctor stood proudly, aboard this blue box:  his time machine, and with his companions for this mission.  With him were Northern Lights team members Mike the Brainiac II, Harrison El Moustachio, and Johnny Homework, ready to disembark after an unexpectantly long trip.  Having blown a temporal fuse, the TARDIS accidentally took them 66 million years into the past, instead of to 1977 London as planned.  The layover cost them some hours, but all seemed to be well now.

Harrison looked around.  “Now where is Ripper?  We have to get going.  We can’t stay in the TARDIS.”  Indeed, Harrison’s trusty squirrel companion had not been seen by the crew since Johnny and the Doctor killed some time by having an informal jam session.

The Doctor strode with confidence to the door.  “Come now, off we go te solve your mystery!”  The Northern Lights had come to 1977 London to investigate changes in the timeline centered on that year.  Musicians and artists that should be alive, were dead or missing.  Someone was doing this to change the future, and the Doctor had stepped in to help them.  He opened the door to the TARDIS to find an unexpected scene.

Instead of bustling downtown 1977 London England…was a completely empty marshland, by the side of a flowing river.  The Doctor’s mouth was agape.  He used his sonic screwdriver to scan the scene before him.

“The Thames…” he whispered.  He ran to the control panel while his companions tried to comprehend what was happening.

“Doctor?” asked Harrison.

“We’re in…we’re in 1977.  This is London.  That’s the Thames…” he answered.

That doesn’t look like London, thought Mike, afraid to speak the words aloud.

“Come on.  All of you.  We’re going outside.  We have to find out what transpired here.”  He motioned them to join him.

“What about Ripper?” asked Harrison.

“Safer for the wee creature if he remains inside,” answered the Doctor.  “Come on.”

The three men and one Time Lord stepped outside.  The air was cold, much colder than they were used to.  “Because there’s been no artificial introduction of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere,” mused the Doctor out loud.  “The industrial revolution never happened.  Humanity itself…never happened!”  The Doctor was beginning to look panicked while the others did their best to stay calm.  Inside, they were terrified.  Finally, Johnny spoke.

“What’s going on here Doc?”

The Doctor spun with burning intensity in his eyes.  “Something, or someone, has altered time.  Humanity…has never existed.  This land…is uninhabited by man…but teaming with wildlife, large mammals, megafauna that mankind hunted to extinction!  Humanity has been erased from history!”

“But how?” asked Johnny.

“I…I don’t know!” answered the Doctor, having lost control of the situation and showing it.  Johnny could sense this.

“Doc, I’m…I’m kinda scared,” he said.

The Doctor whipped around again.  “Scared?  Let me tell you about scared.”  He grasped one of Johnny’s hands in his.  “Your heart is beating so hard — I can feel it through your hands!  There’s so much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain, it’s like rocket fuel!  Right now, you could run faster and you could fight harder. You can jump higher than ever in your life.  And you are so alert, it’s like you can slow down time.  What’s wrong with scared?  Scared is a super power!  It’s your super power!  There is danger in this place, and guess what?  It’s you!  Do you feel it?”

Johnny nodded with confidence.  He breathed deep.  “I feel it, Doc.”

“Good,” replied the Doctor, feeling better himself having had the chance to give one of his legendary speeches.  Remarkably, Mike was the most calm this time.  He spoke up.

“Hey Doctor…I’ve watched your adventures on TV enough to know that usually you just start walking around, discover clues, encounter beings, and solve the mystery.  Maybe we should…walk around?”

“That’s…that’s a good idea!” said the Doctor.  He raised his sonic screwdriver, scanned around himself, and pointed.  “That way,” he motioned, and the three joined him as they trekked inland away from the marsh and the Thames.  “This land was an important trade route to the Romans, in our timeline,” explained the Doctor.  They built a bridge here and called it Londinium.  Today’s London Bridge would be right over there.”  The companions marveled in wonder, even as their entire history was erased.

The Doctor thought aloud as they strolled through the mucky ground.  “Who could have done this?  The Daleks?  The Cybermen?  The Master?  The Borg?”  The Doctor’s thoughts were interrupted by a cold, digital voice.

“DOC-TOR!  EXTERMINATE THE DOC-TOR!”

“The Daleks it is,” said the Doctor.  From behind them, swarmed a squadron of eight deadly Daleks.  Their conical shells shone in the English sun, while their domed heads sported weapons and eyestalks pointed directly at the Doctor and his companions.

“Daleks!” shouted the Doctor.  “Get behind me!” he instructed his companions, wielding his sonic screwdriver.  “Hear me Daleks!  What have you done here?”

“DOC-TOR!” exclaimed the lead Dalek.  “WHAT IS IT YOU HAVE DONE?”

“What?” asked the Doctor.

“WE FOUND THIS PLANET UNINHABITED.  IT SHALL BECOME THE NEW DALEK HOMEWORLD.  IT WILL BE NEW SKARO.  YOU DID THIS AND IT CANNOT BE UNDONE NOW.  WE WILL NOT ALLOW IT.”  The Daleks floated forward in threatening motion.  “EXTERMINATE THE DOC-TOR!”

“Wait!  Wait!  Shut up and listen to me!” said the Doctor with both hands making a “stop” motion.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about!  This is Earth!  We found it uninhabited but it is supposed be…teaming!  Teaming with humans, with people!  What have you done to the people?”

“THE DOC-TOR TRIES TO FOOL US!” said the lead Dalek.

The Doctor pocketed his sonic screwdriver.  “No tricks!  No deceit!”

“YOU DID THIS!” proclaimed the lead Dalek.  “YOU CANNOT UNDO IT.  EXTERMINATE!”

The Doctor turned to his companions.  “When I say run…RUN!” he ordered.  The companions set afoot, running as fast as they could towards the TARDIS.  A Dalek blasted a shot towards Johnny, who fortuitously slipped in the mud, just as the shot went inches overhead.

“Come on Johnny!” said Mike as he stopped to help him up.  “We gotta run!”  The pair caught up to Harrison and the Doctor, who had reached the TARDIS door.  Everyone with only one heart was breathing heavy, exhausted from adrenaline and overdrive.

“EXTERMINATE!” repeated the Daleks as they fired another volley of shots at the fleeing Doctor and companions.  “THEY MUST NOT ESCAPE!”

“Get in!” ushered the Doctor.  Mike and a muddy Johnny jumped through the doorway, almost colliding with Harrison.  With everyone on board, the Doctor slammed the door shut and ran to the central control panel.  He pulled a lever, and the TARDIS dematerialized into the fog as the Daleks closed in.

“THE DOCTOR HAS ESCAPED…” said the lead Dalek.  “INFORM DAVROS THAT THE DOCTOR HAS ESCAPED…”

The quartet dried off their muddy shoes and boots inside the comfort of the TARDIS.

“Doctor, did the Daleks really erase humanity?” asked Mike of the increasingly angry Doctor.

“You saw them with your own eyes.  They must have.  Oh, they said they didn’t, but Daleks lie!  It is what they do.  It comes from their own, inbred hatred of all things.  Honesty isn’t something they excel at.”

“Doctor, I’ve watched movies too,” said Harrison.  “If humanity was erased, how come we’re still here?”

“You were protected by the TARDIS from any temporal fluctuations that happened.  Wait a minute…which means…which means this happened while we were aboard the TARDIS!  Could it be…”

Mike was connecting the dots along with the Doctor.  “Do you think…do you think we might have caused this?  When we went 66 or 69 million years back in time?”

“It was 66 million years…” said the Doctor as he too began to pick up the pieces.  He snapped his fingers.  “66 million years ago!  Precisely when the first primate, Purgatorius, evolved!”

“So…like a butterfly effect, if we squashed one with the TARDIS?” asked Mike.

“No, no, not possible.  The TARDIS has safety landing measures built into the system to avoid such as catastrophe.  Even with the temporal fuse out, that failsafe is on a designated system,” assured the Doctor.

It was at that exact moment that Ripper the Squirrel emerged from the catacombs of the TARDIS, having tired of exploring every nook and cranny.

“Here Ripper!” smiled Harrison.  “You missed everything!”  Ripper ran towards his best friend…followed by his new friend.

“Umm…” said Johnny.  “How many squirrels did we bring with us on this trip?” he asked.

“Just one…” answered Harrison.

“Then, who’s that?” followed up Johnny, pointing towards tiny, playful Purgatorius Prime.

The Doctor stood up and raised his arms in caution.  “Careful, gentlemen.  No sudden moves.  Stay seated.”  He knelt to the ground and smiled at the small creature.  “Remarkable.  Now how did you get in here?” he asked the creature who stared, not understanding.  The Doctor glanced up towards little Ripper, on Harrison’s shoulder.  “Never mind.  I think I know.”

The Doctor spoke to his companions.  “My friends, I would like you to meet someone very special.  Possibly the most special person…the most special creature in all your planet’s entire history.  I introduce you to your own ancestor.  Gentlemen, meet your great great great to the millionth power great grandmother, Purgatorius.”

Mike’s jaw dropped as it often does.  “Are you saying…”

Johnny continued the thought.  “That this little creature…”

Harrison finished.  “Is the ancestor of all humanity?”

The Doctor smiled.  “Not just that, El Moustachio.  Of every primate that ever lived on this planet.  Every ape, every chimp, every orangutan, and yes, every person.  This very creature.  Of all the creatures, of all the Purgatoriuses that we could have encountered at any point in space and time…and we happen to find the one that survives and goes on to populate the planet with her progeny.  Purgatorius Prime.  Remarkable.”  He shook his head in disbelief, and finally he stood again.

“Well, the solution here is clear!” concluded the Doctor.  “We bring this wee little beast back to the exact point of our departure, 66 million years ago, and bring her home.  Timeline restored, we finally come back to the proper 1977 and get on with our mission!”

“To find out who’s been changing history in 1977 and putting a stop to it!” said Mike.

“That’s right young man!” answered the Doctor, apparently having promoted Mike from “boy” to “young man”.

“Then let’s get prehistoric again!” shouted Mike.

The Doctor smiled.  “Harrison, you mind that wee beast!  She has all humanity in her genes.  Let’s go!”

“Allons-y!” shouted Mike.

The Doctor stared.  “That’s my line.”

“It was your line,” contended Mike.  The Doctor paused.

“Fair.  It’s your line now.”

“Allons-y!” said Mike one more time as the TARDIS departed for 66,000,000 BC

The TARDIS stood in all its blue glory, stark against the green backdrop of the lush, prehistoric cliff.  The air was clean, and there was not a single plane or satellite in the sky.  The Doctor and his companions stood in the doorway of the TARDIS, to release their stowaway back to her home.  Back in the past to restore their future, back on the cliff where this misadventure took its left turn.

“I hope you appreciate this moment, boys,” said the Doctor to Mike, Harrison, Johnny and Ripper.  “We’re restoring time to its proper flow, having saved one of the most important animals of all time.  Purgatorius, the ancestor of all primates.”

A little brown creature, no larger than a squirrel but roughly the same in appearance, scooted out of the TARDIS, back to its home.  It waved goodbye to Ripper the Squirrel, who looked terribly sad to be losing his new friend.  History had to be repaired, and this little creature had an important destiny ahead.  She jumped, and scooted into the leaves.  Out of sight, and safely back home.

The Doctor clapped his hands and spoke to his companions.  “Right!  Again!  Everyone back to your seats, we’re off to the races…again.  Setting year for 1977, London, Oxford street.”  The doctor confidently manipulated his controls, and pulled the levers.  The TARDIS groaned once more, and disappeared in both space and time.

Where the TARDIS stood in the lush green, there was a clear, square depression in the ground.  A T. Rex roared in the distance, while a male Purgatorius nosed its way, sniffing the ground where the TARDIS had been, searching for his mate.  Suddenly, she too appeared from the leaves, searching for him.  Finally reunited, the pair went off into the forest to fulfill their destiny.

To be concluded….

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

The Northern Lights: A Doctor in the House Part I

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Nine:  A Doctor in the House Part I

“Gentlemen, I’ve called you with the most urgent of missions.  We must act with haste.  The fate of the world is at stake…again.”  Tim Durling, head of the Durling Foundation, was not kidding around this time.

“Again?  Merde, I feel like all we do is save the world!” cried Jex Rambo via video call.

“You can say that again!” agreed Mike, the Brainiac II.

“Merde, I feel like all we do is save the world!” repeated Jex Rambo.

“Easy Jex,” calmed Mr. Durling.  “I haven’t even told you the mission yet.”

On the call were a spate of the Northern Lights’ highest ranking members.  Its leader, Tim Durling, was front and center.  The lines on his face spoke of sleepless nights and stone-cold serious days.  He has clearly been burning the midnight oil.

Surrounding his window were the trusted Northern Lights high command:  the long-haired Harrison Holden, also known as El Moustachio from across the world in Australia.  His ally Ripper the Squirrel must have been scuttling about the floor somewhere, for he was not perched upon Harrison’s shoulder as normal.   Behind him: his beloved portraits of Disney’s Stitch, and Iron Maiden’s Maiden Japan.

From Northern Lights Kincardine HQ were an unlikely quartet, gathered together by their last mission to Georgia via Kincardine habour. Mike, the “Brainiac II” and Specialist Jen were front and center, flanked by Robert Daniels the King of Sharks, and Max the Swinging Axe.  He was, of course, a big deal.  He was hanging around to assist Rob on his next mission: salvaging his ship the HMS Visions In Sound from the bottom of the Atlantic.  He had a priceless soundtracks collection aboard her, fortunately sealed in vaults when the ship went down.

From the UK came the 80s Metal Man (also a Michael), rarely seen on these calls as he was usually quite occupied on his side of the world.  He had a wise, teacher-like appearance.  He wore a suit jacket and tie.

Jex Rambo, shirtless as usual, was coming through from Owen Sound, Ontario.  He was stationed there at Aaron’s Archive, and had set up a mini-gym in the basement, from which he was broadcasting.  Mr. Aaron Books was upstairs in another room, broadcasting from his own office.

The Snowman was in attendance, recently cleared of suspicions that he was a spy on behalf of Unicron the Planet Eater, loud and clear all the way from the Stone Mountains in Georgia.  His internet had just been reconnected, this time with a reliable company and not an affiliate of the Decepticons.

The Nothern Lights newest member, Johnny Homework was there on this his first call.  By his side was his trusty protocol droid R0-GR, calling in from Alabama.  Johnny’s hair has been growing quite luxurious.  Meanwhile, the red-bearded droid R0-GR sat silent in his gold skin – his usually loud voice being necessarily muted for this call.

Only absent from this meeting was Bernard the Knight (who hadn’t even mastered 18th century technology yet, let alone the 21st), and the mysterious Night Ranger.  Supposedly off on a mission.

Supposedly.

“Metal Man, why don’t you take it from here?” motioned Durling.

“Very well,” answered the Metal Man.  “As you know, my jurisdiction is monitoring other planes of reality, such as Rock and Roll Heaven.  I am also charged with temporal affairs.  I have noticed slight changes, and indications that someone has been messing with time.”

“Slight changes?” asked Rob, the King of Sharks.  “Such as?”

“This one is minor, but more are coming.  Tell me, can you remember who Iron Maiden’s mascot is?”

Mike jumped up.  He and Harrison were big fans.  “Of course!  Iron Maiden’s mascots are Khn and Klek de Poitrine, the alien duo!  They’ve been on every album cover since the debut, and their appearance on Powerslave was legendary!”

Harrison pointed at an album hanging on his wall.  “There’s Klek de Poitrine right there on the cover of Maiden Japan.  The classic image of him with his samurai sword.”  Easy question.  What was the Metal Man getting at?

“WRONG!” answered the Metal Man.  “Iron Maiden’s mascot should be a living corpse named Eddie.  Eddie the Head, as illustrated by Derek Riggs.”

“Who?” asked Tim Durling.  “Never heard of him.”

“Exactly!  Derek Riggs has been erased from history!  According to newspapers from the era, he was murdered in 1977 and they never found the killer.  Therefore, he would never paint the Eddie that would become the first Maiden cover.  Angine de Poitrine modeled for a different painter instead.  Now here is another question.  Who replaced Ozzy Osbourne in Black Sabbath in 1977?  Clue – it’s not Dio.”

“I got this one!” said Johnny Homework.  “Rod Evans from Deep Purple.”  Johnny was absolutely certain of the facts regarding this obscure lineup change.  “Rod was only in the band for long enough to do one TV appearance, a rendition of a new song called ‘Junior’s Eyes'”.  Johnny crossed his arms in confidence.

“Wrong again!” answered the Metal Man.  “Ozzy was initially replaced by Dave Walker, of Savoy Brown and Fleetwood Mac.”

“Impossible,” interrupted Durling.  He shook his head to make his point.  “I wrote a book on Fleetwood Mac.  I would know.”

“Yes you would, if someone didn’t change history.  Dave Walker disappeared in 1977, never to be found.  But it should not have been that way.  Dave Walker recorded an early version of ‘Junior’s Eyes’ for television.  Or, he should have if he didn’t disappear.”  Metal Man switched his display to a timeline chart, and continued to speak.  “Gentlemen, someone has gone back in time to 1977 and is changing rock history.  We’ve seen something like this before, so we know we can undo it!  It is your job to go back in time and stop the killer, or killers, from doing this.”

“There’s more,” added Durling.  “Your secondary mission is to find out who is behind this, and why.  However, your primary mission remains your top priority.  Prevent the killings.  Restore history.”  He was firm.

There was a grave understanding on the group call.  Then, the stoic Harrison spoke.  “I suppose I’d better get reading the logs of our original adventures and review how time travel works.  It was complicated,” he sighed.

“Not anymore!” answered the Metal Man.  “Here in England, we have certain contacts that you do not have.  Gentlemen, please meet my newest friend.”  He paused for dramatic effect.

Suddenly, at Northern Lights HQ in Kincardine Ontario, a groaning sound was heard.  A light began to flash in the center of the room of the old cottage.  Mike, Jen, Rob and Max turned and stared as a blue telephone box faded into existence in the middle of the room.  All of this was captured via webcam and broadcast to the others.  The Metal Man smiled smugly behind his camera, while everyone else’s jaws dropped to the floor.

“Putain de merde!” cried Jex.  “I know that telephone box!”

“Technically a police box,” corrected Metal Man.

There was steam in the room, clouding the view of the legendary TARDIS.  With a crack of light, the door opened.  Out stepped a tall, skinny older man with curly white hair atop a long face, aged with wisdom.  Wearing black sunglasses and a red guitar, the older man smiled.  Mike, Jen, Rob and Max all stood and stared at their guest that had suddenly appeared in their living room.  Everyone was dumbstruck.

“Well?” said the older man, breaking the silence in a Scottish accent.  “Aren’t y’going t’say anythin’?”

It was Rob who spoke first.  “It’s you!  The Doctor!”

“The Twelfth Doctor, to be precise!” answered the man, the spitting image of an actor named Peter Capaldi.  But that was surely coincidence.  Only the Snowman seemed to not know who had just arrived.

“Doctor?  Who?” he asked.

“Precisely!” answered the Doctor.

“Woah!” said Max the Axe.  “What’s in the box, Doc?”

The Doctor removed his sunglasses.  He stepped directly in front of Max.  His bulging eyes were framed by eyebrows like old grey caterpillars.

“You want to know what’s in that box? I’ll tell you what’s in that box! It’s a time machine! It also travels in space! And it usually contains a man who just wants to get on with his work of preventing the end of the world — but keeps on getting interrupted by boring little humans!

“Now if you will, I’m a busy man, and I’d like t’get on wit’it.  You!”  He pointed at Mike.  “Get in.  The rest of you, I’ll have him back by supper time.  I’d like a hot tea when I return.  You do have tea here, don’t you?  Of course you do, you’re not savages.  Now, come on!” he gestured.  “Get in!  We have to go pick up your Australian friend.  And, we’re going to need to pick up that guy too.”  He pointed right at Johnny Homework on the screen.  “You sir, with the nice hair.  Suit up!”  Johnny made a “who, me?” gesture, but the Doctor wasn’t wasting time to clarify.

“C’mon, don’t you know you have a world to save?  Are you waitin’ fer a custom invitation?  Pick up your jaws and go!”

“It really is bigger on the inside,” marveled Harrison.  Ripper the Squirrel stood upon his shoulder.  The little fellow just wanted to run and run and run through the infinite catwalks and corridors of this time machine, but he was wary of the grumpy old man in the black coat.  After all, he had never seen an episode of the TV show chronicling the adventures of the legendary Doctor.

“I reckon it’s bigger in here than the stadium in Atlanta where I saw Metallica!” marveled Johnny Homework.

“I’ve dreamed of this place since I was a kid,” said Mike.

The team were in place.  Mike, Harrison, Ripper, and Johnny were the companions of Number Twelve.  The Doctor.  Who?  Just the Doctor.  A Time Lord, from Gallifrey, with a time travelling machine called the TARDIS:  Time and Relative Dimensions in Space.  An actual time machine.  The Doctor was working the controls, but seemed frustrated.

“Blast,” he exclaimed, apparently not aware that he said it aloud.

“Is everything going smooth over there Doc?” asked Johnny.

“Nae bother,” answered the Doctor.  Then he turned and gave them all a big toothy smile.  “How’d you boys like a little detour first?”

“Detour?  I thought you said we had to hurry?” asked Mike.

“Nae, nae,” answered the Doctor.  “I said I was in hurry.  This is a time machine, boy!”

“I’m 54,” answered Mike.

“And I’m 4.5 trillion years old,” said the Doctor.  “Or 1000.  Depends on who y’ask, but that’s not important.  Aaanyway, this is what’s happened.  The TARDIS, y’know, she’s a little eccentric and she blew a temporal fuse.  We’re slightly off course, so we’re goin’ te land somewhere safe until she can regrow the fuse.”

“OK, but where…or when are we?”

The Doctor did that cagey smile again.  “Well that’s the thing isn’t it?  Without the temporal fuse, ye can’t tell time, can ye?”

“I wouldn’t know,” answered Mike.  “I guess you can’t?”

“Of course you can’t my boy!”  The Doctor stepped closer in dramatic fashion, the tails of his black coat falling behind.  His angry Scottish attack eyebrows were shockingly close to the Brainiac’s face.   “So we’re going to do it the old fashioned way.  We open the door and look outside!”

A thud was felt as the TARDIS set down on ground, somewhere and somewhen.  The Doctor smiled in false confidence and sauntered to the time machine door.

Outside, they were on the edge of a cliff over a lush, green valley.  The Doctor grinned and gestured to the door.  “Told you,” he said.  “It’s Earth.  And by the smell and taste, I’d guess we’re somewhere in North America.  First century AD.  Shortly after the birth of Christ.”  He raised his finger in the air.  “Tuesday.”

His analysis was interrupted by a great roar.  A roar unlike anything these men had ever heard before.  A Time Lord though?  The Doctor was well familiar with that roar.  He smiled again, trying to project confidence.

“OK, I’m off by a few million years give or take, but I still say it is a Tuesday.  It tastes like Tuesday.”

“What is that?” cried Johnny Homework.

“That my good boy is a Tyrannosaurus rex, female if I had to guess,” answered the Doctor.

“Close the door!!” yelled Johnny Homework.

“Right,” said the Doctor.  “So, this places us exactly 69 to 66 million years ago.”

“That’s not exact,” said Mike with growing anxiety.  The Doctor ignored him.

“So listen up,” continued the Doctor.  “We just need to to wait a wee bit while the TARDIS regrows the temporal fuse.  Now, you seem like some serious music men.”  His bulging eyes looked the group up and down, one by one.  “Let’s have a jam, if any of you play.  I have some guitars…”

Johnny stood up, “Sure, I could jam, why not?  It’ll relieve the stress.”  The Doctor handed him a jagged guitar, white and black.  It resembled something that Canadian guitar journeyman Sean Kelly would have played.  Johnny admired it a moment.

Harrison sat next to the Doctor for an optimal view.  The Doctor and the Student strapped their axes on.  Then, the Doctor started.  “Key of E,” he said.  “Follow me.”

And so the Doctor and Johnny made beautiful music together, weaving blues chords over light dreamy melodies.  It was quite something to see.  Mike danced like nobody was watching, while Harrison just sat and enjoyed.  A rare smile approached his lips.

Meanwhile, while his shipmates were lost in the music, Ripper took the time to explore the TARDIS.  Of all the crew, Ripper was the only one who did not understand the existential circumstances they were in.  He heard the roar, but didn’t fear it.  He did fear and trust this strange Doctor, and was intensely curious about the green scenery he had seen through the door.  With little trepidation, Ripper decided to explore outside as well as in.

Opening the door a crack, Ripper stepped outside and sniffed the oxygen-rich air.  The sun was brilliant and high in the sky.  The moon was visible too, and larger than he remembered.  Ripper would not understand that in 66 to 69 million years from now, the moon’s orbit would drift slightly further away.  The air here was pristine, like nothing he had ever smelled before.  With tentative steps, Ripper sniffed the ground and explored the perimeter of the TARDIS.  In the distance he spied tall mountains, and even a distant roaring volcano.  There were deep valleys, rolling streams, and not a single human in sight.  It was so strange and wondrous.

Out of the corner of his eye, Ripper spied movement.  A small brown creature approached from the leaves.  It looked like a squirrel, but it was not.  Scientists of the 21st century would call it Purgatorius, the first primate.  Laymen would mistake her for a squirrel or perhaps a chipmunk, but as the first primate, inside her genes lay not just the entire future of mankind but also every ape, chimpanzee and gorilla that ever lived.  In a very real sense, this small creature now frolicking with Ripper was Eve.  Yes, Eve, to every primate yet to be born: Purgatorius Prime.

“Squee squee?” queried Ripper in curiosity.

“Squor-quor!” answered Purgatorius Prime.

Having made friends, the two ran circles around each other in playful chase.  Meanwhile, inside the TARDIS, the sound of a great jam session was reaching its apex of melodic drama.  Johnny Homework dug deep into the fretboard, bending the strings hard, while the Doctor grinned in great approval.  Ripper’s ears perked up.  He didn’t want to miss this!

“Squee squee?” invited Ripper, as he gestured inside the door.

“Squor-quor!” answered Purgatorius in agreement.  The pair ran inside, and the door shut behind them.

Johnny Homework strummed some final chords as the Doctor played an outro lick.  Mike and Harrison cheered in approval.  Ripper and Purgatorius ran into another room, unnoticed by the others, in playful excitement.

“Well done Johnny!” applauded the Doctor, removing his black sunglasses.  “We’ll make a rock star of you yet.  Now!  Let’s check on that temporal fuse.”

The Doctor walked to the center console and looked under.  “Almost half way there,” he shouted from underneath.  “We’ll be underway in an hour…maybe two.”

Harrison stood to stretch.  “Has anyone seen Ripper?” he asked.

“Not recently,” answered Mike.  “He went off to explore the TARDIS.”

“OK, good,” said a reassured Harrison.

“Hey Doctor, I have a question,” said Mike.  “If you don’t mind.  If you’ve been real this whole time, how come you never helped us in the past?  Like when we were battling the forces of Satan, or when I…” he paused.  “When I died.  Or when there are wars?  How come?”

“A fair question my boy,” answered the Doctor as he took a seat.  “And the answer is, who says I didn’t?  And, who says time isn’t unfolding exactly as it always has?”  He smiled as reassuring a smile as he could muster.  “I’m a Time Lord.  I’ve never claimed to be God.  Just a madman, with a box.  I’ve run across the universe and dimensions you cannot even picture in your most vivid of dreams.  One of the trillions of trinkets of wisdom I’ve picked up along the way is this:  Trust people to find their own way.  Humanity is a wreckless, warlike, sometimes filthy race…”  Mike looked shocked a moment, but the Doctor continued.  “…still as individuals, you continue to shine.  And that is why I have chosen Earth as my home, and not Gallifrey.  It’s certainly not the weather.  It’s the people.”  The Doctor laughed aloud.  “Have ye seen the weather in London?  You cannae see where you’re going half the time with the accursed fog six days a week.”

“I get it,” said Mike.  “Free will and all that stuff.  Humanity has lessons to learn, etcetera.”

“More than that,” smiled the Doctor.  “But so long as blood pumps through my two hearts, Earth will remain defended.”

“So we can count on you in our upcoming battle to save Earth from…”

The Doctor waved his hands and cut him off.  He grinned that grin, the prickly one you give when you’ve tired of talking.

“My boy, I think you’ve watched enough movies to know that I can’t tell you about your own future.”

Mike looked dejected, but knew when a line of questioning was at its end.  “Can’t you…can’t you just say something more reassuring?”

It was then that Harrison spoke up with his own particular Australian perspective.  He turned to Mike the Brainiac.  “I understand your pain.  We’ve all lost someone we love.  But, we do it his way.  The future may be ours.”

Mike nodded.  “That’s somewhat familiar for some reason.  OK.  I trust Harrison.  And he trusts you.  If he’s good, then I’m good too.”  Harrison nodded.  He was good.

A panel on the TARDIS beeped and the Doctor pulled his sonic screwdriver from a pocket.  He pointed it at a display, got a reading he liked, and clapped his hands.

“Right!  Everyone back to your seats, we’re off to the races again.  Setting year for…1977.  London, England.  Oxford street.”  The doctor manipulated his controls and pulled the levers.  The TARDIS groaned and disappeared in both space and time.

Where the TARDIS stood in the lush green, there was a clear, square depression in the ground.  A T. Rex roared in the distance, while a male Purgatorius nosed its way, sniffing the ground where the TARDIS had been, searching for, but not finding, his mate.  Adam had lost his Eve….

To be continued…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

🅻🅸🆅🅴 Top Ten HORROR FILMS with Meat and Alex

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man

🅻🅸🆅🅴 Episode

Episode 165: Top Ten Horror Movies

It’s been a long time since we’ve done this, but Alex and Uncle Meat are back tonight to talk horror movies.  It’s the first of two Halloween episodes we have coming!

Tonight it’s a very simple Top Ten list from all three of us.  We will have some physical product in the form of DVDs and soundtracks.  We also have a bonus list:  top ten horror favourites from Australian madman Peter Kerr!

Not much else to add, except this is guaranteed to be a fun hangout with three friends talking about scary films.  Join us live in the comments!

 

Click above for the link to our streams.

Friday Oct 23 at 7:00 PM EST, 8:00 PM Atlantic.  Enjoy on YouTube or Facebook.

🅻🅸🆅🅴 KIX: Top Ten Songs with Alex Winter

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man

🅻🅸🆅🅴 Episode

Episode 164: KIX: Top Ten Songs with Alex Winter, Keith Searock and David Alpizar

Alex Winter is back!  This time the Alexploitation main man is in the hosting chair.  For some of our guests, including Alex and Uncle Meat, it is their first time hosting a show.  Grab A Stack of Rock is proud to be their first.  First of many, we hope.

Alex has chosen the underappreciated KIX as his band.  You may recall that a few years ago, guest writer Holen reviewed the first five Kix studio albums right here.  Now it’s finally time to honour the Maryland quintet with their own dedicated episode of Grab A Stack of Rock.

Alex has recruited two newcomers to the show!  Keith Searock, who has joined us in the comments many times, is on the panel.  David Alpizar, whom I have worked with on Grant’s Rock Warehaus, is joining our crew for the first time.  Welcome to the cast, gentlemen!

This crew of rock veterans will count down their top ten Kix songs tonight.  Get it while it’s hot, and don’t close your eyes!  Tonight there’s gonna be a rock & roll overdose, with KIX!

 

Click above for the link to our streams.

Friday Oct 16 at 7:00 PM EST, 8:00 PM Atlantic.  Enjoy on YouTube or Facebook.

#1250: Change of a Season

RECORD STORE TALES #1250: Change of a Season

And so Summer 2026 rolls to its end.  This is our final weekend at the lake this year.  Closing time is upon us, and now it is time to reflect.

Like all summers, we must expect the unexpected.  Harrison has been out of commission since June and without my cohost and partner, I did a lot less Grab A Stack of Rock than previous years.  This time we tried something new:  guests hosts.  It gave me a break from having to run the show every Friday (and I did want it to continue running every Friday because of the momentum we built up).  I also did a few pre-recorded episodes on my phone that were unlike anything we’d done before:  Tours of both Grab A Stack HQs, and a voyage through my old Atari 2600 collection.

Food-wise, we broke new ground with our amazing French Lemonade, and the discovery of local quail eggs for sale.  This allowed us to continue our food experiments that we try to do every year.

Mostly though…I have been quiet.

I haven’t been writing much, aside from fiction.  I realize now that Jen had a two week stay in Toronto in the epilepsy ward that I haven’t written about.  It went well.  She was there for 15 days of observations, and we hope that they can learn where her seizures are coming from so they can be better targeted by drugs.  She’s done this before, so hopes are actually minimal, but it had to be done.  No sacrifice, no victory.  During those two weeks, I went to the cottage alone.  It was my first weekend alone there in over two decades.

It’s amazing I haven’t written about these things.  I haven’t written a journal in almost two months.

And so Summer 2026 was not really documented by stories and videos like I usually do.  I suppose that’s not so bad.  We lost track of all the music we played to and from the lake, and all the albums that made their debut on the porch.  However, one band made an indelible impact on Summer 2026:  Angine de Poitrine.

It was our first or second weekend back at the cottage in 2026.  It was Sunday morning, and I was bored waiting for Jen to wake up so we could pack up and go home.  I had seen this band around online, but was not interested.  “Another duo,” I said.  “Pass!”  Still, I was hearing a lot of praise, and I already liked microtones.  In my boredom, I put Live at KEXP on the TV and watched.

20 minutes later, a blown-away me watched it again.  And then one more time.

There is a mixture here between music and sport.  It’s athleticism, watching Klek and particularly Khn de Poitrine play.  Khn engages the loops while playing on two necks, and twiddling knobs with his toes.  Athleticism with melody!

I got home and started hunting for CDs.  I had to own this band’s music!  It had nothing to do with the image.  The image (black and white polka dot alien costumes with huge noses) was just visual icing.  The music itself hit me in a place I didn’t know I needed to be hit!  It was like scratching an itch I didn’t know I had.  And the songs were bizarrely catchy.  This band…they had something.  They dominated the front porch for the entire summer.  I don’t know how many times I played both albums, plus Live at KEXP from the porch.  Hopefully the neighbors thought it was the weirdest music they ever heard.

I made animations on the porch while listening to Angine.  I wrote fiction.  I just sat back and observed.

Summer 2026 is gone now, and I didn’t keep a record of it.  And I guess that is OK.

Fall and winter await, and many creative projects are ready to get us through.  I await not with dread, but with anticipation.

Allons-y.

 

 

 

🅻🅸🆅🅴 Defending KISS: Psycho-Circus with Peter Kerr and bicyclelegs

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man

🅻🅸🆅🅴 Episode

Episode 163: Defending KISS: Psycho-Circus with Peter Kerr and bicyclelegs

Mike is off for a couple more weeks, so this Friday, Peter Kerr of Rock Daydream Nation is taking over!

30 years ago, the original Kiss reunited for the tour of the year.  Of course, the very next question fans had was:  will you make a studio album?  Kiss dodged that for a while, before they announced their reunion album with Canadian producer, Bruce Fairbairn, who resurrected Aerosmith from the dead.  But was he the right kind of producer for Kiss?

Psycho-Circus erupted in fall of 1998 and fans were split.

Tonight, Peter Kerr and his special guest bicyclelegs will defend Psycho-Circus from all the hate.

It’s not a small task.  The album has issues including minimal Ace and Peter, glossy production, ballads, and plagiarism.  I don’t envy these two men.

At the end of the show, Peter will graciously allow me to say a few words about Harrison and the future of Grab A Stack of Rock, and 50 Years of Iron Maiden.

Tune in tonight for what may prove to be an impossible task.  Let’s see what the fellows have to say about one of the most controversial Kiss albums of all time, and that’s saying a lot!

 

Click above for the link to our streams.

Friday Oct 9 at 7:00 PM EST, 8:00 PM Atlantic.  Enjoy on YouTube or Facebook.

We got our photo in under 24 hours! Not Dead Yet: John Cleese and the Holy Grail at 50 VIP Show and Experience

We were promised our photo in 72 hours, and we got it in under 24.

What this photo doesn’t show is the gentle chit-chat with John Cleese.

He also shook my hand twice which I thought was kind.  Check out the entire experience below!

 

REVIEW

A once-in-a-lifetime experience was had on Oct 3 2026 in Kitchener, Ontatio. It was over in a flash, so I had to document it live as soon as I got home, from Not Dead Yet: John Cleese and the Holy Grail at 50.

Last Christmas, my mom said “When will I ever have the chance to meet John Cleese again?”  And so for $374.75 each, she bought three VIP tickets.  One for her, one for me, and one for Dr. K.  With hindsight I wish she also bought one for my dad.  Not only would he have loved the show, but I think he would have lost his mind meeting Mr. Cleese at the end of it.

The show began at 7:30, but we were there well early to get a couple drinks and enjoy our front row seats.  The stage was bare except for a big screen, a table, two chairs, and stuffed bunny rabbit.

First, Mr. Cleese was introduced to a standing ovation.  He graciously thanked us all for coming to watch this film that he started writing in 1974.  Then, the film began.  It was the extended version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but I believe that they ran the wrong version of the movie.  Mr. Cleese specifically said that it was supposed to be a version that he himself edited, removing the Three Headed Knight scene.  That scene was in fact shown, as well as the “GET ON WITH IT!” bits from the extended version.  A minor slipup.

After the film, an 86 year old John Cleese returned for approximately an hour of Q&A with the audience, wearing bunny rabbit slippers.  Some questions were great, some less so, but being a total pro, Mr. Cleese’s answers were also entertaining and interesting.

The thing that surprised me the most was how much Mr. Cleese loathes the last 10 to 15 minutes of Holy Grail, which was assembled by Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam without his (and presumably the others’) input.  “It doesn’t make sense!” said Mr. Cleese multiple times.  And here is the main takeaway that we got from the John Cleese Holy Grail at 50 Q&A:  Writing is #1 for him.  Performing, comedy, commentary are all second.  He says they did 13 drafts on A Fish Called Wanda‘s script before it was good enough.  Holy Grail’s ending was not written, made no sense, and he really dislikes it.  He also dislikes the Three Headed Knight scene, and wanted it edited out.  The scene was kept because Eric Idle’s knight, Sir Robin, had nothing to do after they split up.

He discussed many projects including a new comedy on cannibalism.  He also revealed what inspired the famous Python “parrot” sketch:  a used car that Michael Palin bought and tried to return.

Mr. Cleese praised the talents of Kevin Klein, and make fun of Michael Palin’s “horribly boring” travel show multiple times.  He reserved sincere praise for his old writing partner, the late great Graham Chapman.  He was clearly a special man.  The whole show was very warm, and simply delightful.

And then we met him!

Check out the video below, recorded while still on the high of meeting John Cleese and having this wonderful experience.

REVIEW: Not Dead Yet: John Cleese and the Holy Grail at 50 VIP Show and Experience

A once-in-a-lifetime experience was had on Oct 3 2026 in Kitchener, Ontatio. It was over in a flash, so I had to document it live as soon as I got home, from Not Dead Yet: John Cleese and the Holy Grail at 50.

Last Christmas, my mom said “When will I ever have the chance to meet John Cleese again?”  And so for $374.75 each, she bought three VIP tickets.  One for her, one for me, and one for Dr. K.  With hindsight I wish she also bought one for my dad.  Not only would he have loved the show, but I think he would have lost his mind meeting Mr. Cleese at the end of it.

The show began at 7:30, but we were there well early to get a couple drinks and enjoy our front row seats.  The stage was bare except for a big screen, a table, two chairs, and stuffed bunny rabbit.

First, Mr. Cleese was introduced to a standing ovation.  He graciously thanked us all for coming to watch this film that he started writing in 1974.  Then, the film began.  It was the extended version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but I believe that they ran the wrong version of the movie.  Mr. Cleese specifically said that it was supposed to be a version that he himself edited, removing the Three Headed Knight scene.  That scene was in fact shown, as well as the “GET ON WITH IT!” bits from the extended version.  A minor slipup.

After the film, an 86 year old John Cleese returned for approximately an hour of Q&A with the audience, wearing bunny rabbit slippers.  Some questions were great, some less so, but being a total pro, Mr. Cleese’s answers were also entertaining and interesting.

The thing that surprised me the most was how much Mr. Cleese loathes the last 10 to 15 minutes of Holy Grail, which was assembled by Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam without his (and presumably the others’) input.  “It doesn’t make sense!” said Mr. Cleese multiple times.  And here is the main takeaway that we got from the John Cleese Holy Grail at 50 Q&A:  Writing is #1 for him.  Performing, comedy, commentary are all second.  He says they did 13 drafts on A Fish Called Wanda‘s script before it was good enough.  Holy Grail’s ending was not written, made no sense, and he really dislikes it.  He also dislikes the Three Headed Knight scene, and wanted it edited out.  The scene was kept because Eric Idle’s knight, Sir Robin, had nothing to do after they split up.

He discussed many projects including a new comedy on cannibalism.  He also revealed what inspired the famous Python “parrot” sketch:  a used car that Michael Palin bought and tried to return.

Mr. Cleese praised the talents of Kevin Klein, and make fun of Michael Palin’s “horribly boring” travel show multiple times.  He reserved sincere praise for his old writing partner, the late great Graham Chapman.  He was clearly a special man.  The whole show was very warm, and simply delightful.

And then we met him!

Check out the video below, recorded while still on the high of meeting John Cleese and having this wonderful experience.

More Adventures in Epilepsy – 7:00 PM EST

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man

Bonus Episode:  More Adventures in Epilepsy

Wish Jen luck everybody!  She’s in Toronto for a two week stay as they study her brain, to figure out where those seizures are coming from.  She doing well, and tonight we have a special bonus episode to talk about our Adventures in Epilepsy.

This isn’t the first time:  Exactly six years ago today, we did our first Adventures in Epilepsy episode with guests.  That episode was prompted by a bad fall where she broke her arm.  Tonight’s mini-episode is inspired by her hospital stay.  It’s not easy having all those electrodes and sensors glued to your head!  Tonight we’ll catch you up on all this and more.

Not to be a downer episode, we end it with lists of famous people who suffered from seizures.  You’ll be surprised at some!

Check it out tonight, on Grab A Stack of Rock.

Click above for the link to our streams.

Friday Oct 2 at 7:00 PM EST, 8:00 PM Atlantic.  Enjoy on YouTube.