GETTING MORE TALE #508: The Weirdest CD that I Own
The size of my personal CD collection now has exceeded my ability to store it properly. I count it not in the hundreds but the thousands, my best guess right now being about 3500 titles on CD. As one would expect, with that many titles here, you’re going to find some odd ones. In fact, for the second-last chapter of the original Record Store Tales, Mrs. LeBrain brought out 10 of her favourite weird finds in my collection. She missed the strangest one of all.
This CD was given to me by a short-lived employee named Damien. Damien will forever be scorned in the annals of Record Store History, for he quit (to become a roadie for the summer) with zero days notice, on the day before my vacation. And boy, did I get in shit for going on vacation anyway. This was one more incident that caused my direct supervisor, the one I call the “office bully”, to stop speaking to me for three weeks straight.* The punishment far outweighed (and outlasted) the crime. Cut that shit out, act like a damned professional.
So I will always have memories surrounding this strange 2 CD set, Promos Volume 6 put out by a New York talent agency in the late 1990’s. It’s a free promo that has 87 samples of various performers such as Joy Behar and Stockard Channing showing off their voice talents. “Chevy Chase stars in Modern Problems, tonight on HBO!” says Behar. “Jack Lemmon starring in five movies, all day on Cinemax.” She has a bit for Comedy Central, and so on. Each voice talent name on these discs (the majority of which you’ve never heard of) has roughly a minute of samples to show off their skills.
None, not even Joy Behar, have anything on Dee Snider of Twisted Sister.
“From a frenzy of emotion, to a frenzy of violence. What happens when fans become fanatics? It’s an athlete’s worst nightmare: Being stalked by a fan whose devotion becomes obsession. [gunshot sounds] CNN presents: Fans who turn the field of sports, into a field of screams.”
Wow. Who writes this stuff? I can all but guarantee that any one of my readers can come up with a better tagline than that paid CNN employee! Snider delivers his lines with the sobriety necessary. But that’s nothing. Nothing at all, compared to Sexy Snider.
The scene is set with sweltering sax, to go with the velvet voice of Snider’s sultry seduction.
“Lifetime has what you’ve been waiting for. Spend every night of the week with a different man. We’re not talking boys here. We’re talking men, who leave you breathless. Richard Gere. Tom Cruise. Kevin Costner. Sean Penn. All this week, only on Lifetime.”
It’s great stuff and I’ve used it for filler at the end of mix CDs before, when I needed something less than a minute long to max it out. What I really love is how Snider’s New York accent really comes out when he says “Sean Penn”. Damien may have been a dick, but this one track 51 second in length has given me…many minutes…of enjoyment over the years.
The 2 CD set comes in a “fat style” case, taking up far too much room for its 51 seconds of dubious value. I wouldn’t trade it away for all the specials on HBO and Lifetime combined…but I also don’t need Volumes 1-5!
What’s the weirdest CD that you own?
* Three weeks was the standard waiting period for her to get around to speaking to me again. Pretty awkward when you work together every almost single day. This happened on multiple occasions.