RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#352: “It’s All Helix’ Fault!” — The Story Of My Tooth

I know I’m not alone, among men who once had an intense fear of the dentist.  As soon as I was old enough to refuse to go, I stopped going.  (Prior to that, I simply hid the reminder cards that periodically arrived in the mail!)  I’m not saying that was a smart thing.  It wasn’t.  I’m over that fear now, but as these old journals reveal, that phobia later came back to bite me in the ass…with a weird connection to the rock band Helix.

Date: 2006/11/25 17:28
Title: The Big Update: “It’s All Helix’ Fault! — The Story Of My Tooth”

So just to get up to speed:

Until today, I haven’t seen a dentist since 1989. I have an intense fear of doctors and dentists. That has kept me away, until now.

This morning Jen and I headed out to United Rentals to drop off a CD I burned for one of the ladies there (Bon Jovi hits & B-sides). From there we went to the grocery and candy stores to mow down on a feast of goodies. And that is where this story truly begins.

I was chewing on some Laffy Taffy, and it was terrific. After I was done, however, I felt a throbbing in my upper left jaw. It was my troublesome wisdom tooth. It’s been causing me mild to medium pain for a little while. Normally, I’d just kill it with Advil and it’s fine. I knew the tooth was impacting on the other teeth, because when it was sore, they were all sore. Being the stubborn person I am, I just popped Advil. I knew it would have to come out one day. I kept putting it off because of that phobia.

Lately the tooth hadn’t even been bothering me. I think I’ve had one toothache in the last month. All seemed well for the forseeable future.

I should have known there would be an imminent problem when Jen presented me with our Helix tickets for next Friday. You see, last time we saw Helix, she had to have an emergency tooth extraction just before. She was still in pain by the day of the concert. It really hampered her enjoyment of the show, but she still gave them an R.

So here she’s presenting me with the Helix tickets. The very next day I’m in agony with a fractured wisdom tooth! I don’t blame the Laffy Taffy, I have only myself and Helix to blame!

I sat here in agony for a short time this morning. When I say “agony” I am not kidding. Those of you who’ve had this problem know what I’m talking about. The entire left side of my face was paralysed with pain. The upper and lower jaw were throbbing, and there was a stabbing from the wisdom tooth. Jen started calling dentists that are open weekends.

After probably an hour of calling around, she found a doctor that did extractions on Saturdays, but was booked solid. That doctor referred her to the hospital, who referred her to a guy named Dr. A. Jones. Dr. Jones had no bookings today. My dad drove us down because I couldn’t even see straight.

The whole way there I was freaking out, because I couldn’t even remember what a dentists office looked like.  But we got in, and it wasn’t so bad. The doctor was good, he pumped me full of painkillers, and pulled that dirty cocksucker out of my mouth. I’m here now and the painkillers are only starting to wear off. I’m going to pop a T3 soon. I’m about to try to eat. Life is good once again.

I forgive you, Helix!