RECORD STORE TALES #1244: NHL Rock-Paper-Scissors: A New Game I Invented

Jen is deep into the NHL playoffs.  As a Leafs fan, she is unwilling to cheer for the only Canadian team left, the Montreal Canadiens.  She is cheering for Colorado…or something.  She has her justifications, but being forced to watch all these NHL teams that I don’t care about turned into a spontaneous, fun game.

I asked her how the newest team, Utah did this year.  The Utah Mammoth – I love that name!  What a suitable animal for a winter sport.  The mighty Mammoth would stoMp on a Penguin, or a Leaf, and especially a Duck.  Do ducks even do winter?  Do they fly south?  Who thinks of these stupid names?  Sharks don’t survive on snow and ice, they’re a sea animal!  What is so intimidating about a Senator?  Will he give me a paper cut?

“Let’s play a game,” I announced.  “NHL Rock-Paper-Scissors.  I name two NHL teams, and you tell me which one wins, and why.  Like Big Bang Theory but with hockey.”  She eagerly agreed.

The first match:  Oilers vs. Flames.  She thought about it and originally picked the Oilers.  “Why?” I asked.  “Because the oil is the fuel!  It makes the flames bigger…oh wait!  The Flames win!”  She understood the assignment.

Flames vs. Leafs?  Flames burn the Leafs and advance.

Flames vs. Senators?  Senator grabs a fire extinguisher off the wall and advances.

Senators vs. Sabres?   Easy win here for the stabbing Sabres.

Sabres vs Golden Knights?  Knights win due to armor.

Knights vs Sharks?  Knights don’t do well in water and tend to sink.  Shark eats the Knight and advances.

You can see how this was starting to become fun.  This is the kind of thing I think about when Jen’s watching hockey.  How stupid and un-intimidating so many of the team names were.

Sharks vs Kraken:  Jen struggled a bit here first, reasoning that the Shark would eat the Kraken, before realizing that a Kraken had a massive size advantage.  It would swallow the Shark in one bite.  Kraken advances.

From here, the Kraken would demolish most of the NHL.  Goodbye Penguins, Ducks, Panthers, Islanders (what a stupid name – basically just saying, “We’re the New York hockey team from Long Island!”), Canucks (another stupid name – we’re the Canadian team from Vancouver!), Bruins, Kings, and so on.  Very few teams could beat the Kraken, but one.  Certainly not the Hurricanes.  The Kraken would just slip beneath the tempest.  Same if attacked by the Jets.

Kraken vs Lightning:  Lightning electrocutes Kraken and advances.

Lightning vs the Stars:  Stars win easily due to being out of range, and advance.

Stars vs the Blue Jackets:  You can use the jacket to block out the stars.  Jackets advance.

Blue Jackets vs the Blues:  (I set that one up for her on purpose)  She picked the Blues because there is a lot more blue stuff in the world than just jackets.

We had only one simple rule.  You had to be able to explain who wins in one sentence.  With some matchups, Jen was making it too complicated, taking in such considerations as travel time from Seattle to California.  Simplifying it with the one sentence rule made it a lot of fun.

Today we might try it in Major League Baseball.  I don’t think many teams named after birds or socks will do well.  Try your own variations with your favourite league!  Enjoy the fun.