Part 23: Klassic Kwotes IV!

OK folks, step right up for Klassic Kwotes IV.  As usual, all tales are true.  Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty.  As for me, I’m just your storyteller…if I didn’t tell these stories they would have been lost to the winds of history….

Whew.  OK, read on, then.


1. Way, way back prior to the turn of the century, Garth Brooks attempted to adopt an alter-ego named Chris Gaines, in order to get into the rock and pop market. 

The concept was ludicrous.  Inside the CD case were photos of Garth, dressed as “Gaines”, in a black goth wig, soul patch…and black & white leotards.  Black and white leotards.  Yes, I did say that. There was an extensive bio, a “Greatest Hits” album, and even a documentary with contemporary pop stars praising Chris Gaines as an influence.  The public was utterly confused.

So, for a good six months following that, one of the dumbest things I heard said was, “That Chris Gaines guy is real.  I know because I saw it on TV.”


2. We had a waiting list for various popular titles.  One of the most surprising answers to the question, “Could I get your phone number please?” was “I don’t know my phone number.”  OK, sure.  How do you want us to let you know it’s in?  “I’ll come in every day until it does.”  And then you’d never see them again.  This is more than one person ,by the way! 

3. “Pink Floyd.  Where do you keep him?


4. “Do you have a band called Who?  Not THE Who, not THE GUESS Who, just called Who.”  No, nobody has that CD, because it doesn’t exist, because there’s no such band!

5. I have heard numerous “miracle cures” for scratched, dirty and skipping discs.  DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OF THESE AT HOME!  These “cures” included cleaning your CDs with:

  • toothpaste
  • peanut butter (??)
  • your dishwasher
  • vaseline
  • handsoap
  • shampoo

Incidentally, if you don’t feel comfortably cleaning your glasses with something, it’s best not to try it on a CD.

6. “Scott Stapp isn’t ripping off Eddie Vedder’s style of singing.  Scott Stapp is singing that style correctly.  Vedder is trying to be more like Stapp!”  Actually said by someone.


7. “Do you have  Monster Balls?” I wasonce asked.  Luckily, I knew that the man was looking for the Halle Berry movier, Monster’s Ball!  (Answer I wish I had given:  “Why, yes I do.  Thanks for noticing.”)

8. “Can you watch my kid for about 10 minutes while I go to Canadian Tire?”  Again — actually said by someone! 


9.  A man once came in looking for Backstreet Boys, or something similar, for his kids.  We were sold out of Backstreet Boys, so I helpfully suggested New Kids On The Block?  His answer?  “No, we don’t like thats shit.  They suck.”  …and Backstreet Boys don’t?

10. “Do you have that new album by Tommy Lee Jones?”  He meant Tommy Lee.

Bonus 11.   Damn, I wish I was this person!   “Do you have any Rush?  Geddy Lee just moved in next door to us, and we’d like to know what his music is like.”  Damn!  Will you adopt me?  Geddy fucking Lee!  (And yes, I’m pretty sure his middle name is not actually “fucking”.)


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