MOVIE REVIEW: Ted (2012 blu-ray)

“Death to Ming!” – Sam Jones

TED FRONTTED (Universal, 2012, directed by Seth MacFarlane)

I don’t often go out to the store to buy a movie on the first day of release anymore, but I did for Ted.  I grabbed it at the local Best Buy and immediately popped it in, since I missed its theatrical run.  I’m a Seth MacFarlane fan, see?  I like Family Guy and recently American Dad too.  If you don’t like those shows, chances are, you probably won’t like Ted either.  May as well stop reading now.

Still with me?  Good.  Because this is a fuckin’ funny movie!  Once you get past the concept of the walking talking driving tweeting teddy bear who loves coke and prostitutes.

Patrick Stewart narrarates our intro, as we meet John Bennett, a little Star Wars loving boy who gets a teddy bear for Christmas.  He doesn’t have many friends, so one night he wishes that Teddy was alive.  Connect the dots from here.

Ted becomes a world famous superstar phenomenon (Johnny Carson show and all), only to crash and burn hard by the 1990’s.  Now today, he sits on John’s couch drinking beer, smoking pot, watching Flash Gordon; the 1980 bomb that starred Sam J. Jones as the titular Flash.  And once again, the lush strains of “Flash”, by Queen, fills the room.  This is all fine and dandy until Mila Kunis (insert hot girlfriend way too good for immature boyfriend here) says enough is enough.  If Marky Mark and Mila are to stay together, Ted’s gotta move out and get his own place.

Their lives pretty much go down hill from there.  Ted gets a job at the local grocer and starts banging a checkout girl on top of the lettuce.  But John just can’t separate himself from his best bud, especially when Sam J. Jones himself turns up to party with the boys.   Can John achieve the balance between friendship and domestic bliss that eludes him?

Throw in an evil, creepy stalker played perfectly by Giovanni Ribisi, and cameos by Norah Jones and Ted Danson as themselves, and you have a movie.

I’m not going to sit here and lie to you by saying that this is substantially different from any other bro-mances you’ve seen out there.  There’s the girl who’s fed up, the jerky male romantic rival, and the two dudes, one of whom wants to get his life together while the other seemingly holds him back.  If you’ve watched Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, or Seth Rogen films, you know where I’m going.

What makes Ted so much better than any of those movies (which I already like anyway) is MacFarlane himself.  Yes, Ted does sound like Peter Griffin (even acknowledged in the film) but that voice just works for this bear!  Ted is easily one of the sickest, yet lovable characters in cinema history.  A horny drug using teddy bear has never been depicted on film before, as far as I know.  Of course, Ted needs Johnny as much as Johnny needs Ted.  They are a movie pair, and they can never be happy apart.

The blu-ray gives you the “unrated” (boobs) and theatrical versions.  There’s a DVD, a digital copy, all that extra crap that I never use.  Deleted scenes, gag reels, commentary, all that good stuff.   Still, there’s no point buying a movie unless you plan on watching it more than once.  I’ve watched Ted five times so far, and I still love it.

I guess I have a thing for f-bomb dropping teddy bears that sound like Peter Griffin.  What does that make me?  Ahh, who cares.

4.5/5 stars

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16 comments

  1. Ahh, such an entertaining review LeBrain!

    I was like, “dude, that’s a talking Teddy Bear…O_O”

    But, nah, it’s a great movie!

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        1. I’m not very good at movie reviews, I could try and wing. But it wouldn’t be good as yours. I’ll give it a shot though.

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  2. Haven’t seen “Ted” yet (waiting for it to show up on HBO or Showtime soon) but I expect to enjoy it. At best it’ll be my 3rd favorite Mark Wahlberg movie, though, behind “Boogie Nights” and “Rock Star.” Have you done a review of the latter, Mike? I’ve seen it more times than I care to admit.

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    1. I’ve seen it five or six times, and I can’t honestly tell you whether I own it anymore or not.

      Back when it came out I was dating this girl Shannon, and she tolerated my taste in movies and music. Very nice girl and we are still friends. But this is one of the movies I dragged her to see. She absolutely hated it, she was really taking one for the team on this movie!

      Me, I dug the music and I still have the soundtrack. If I did keep it, it would be for “the collection” and presence of such rock luminaries as Zakk Wylde and Jason Bonham.

      I don’t know if you know the origin of that movie was it was originally supposed to be the Judas Priest story…the gay former lead singer being a somewhat obvious reference to Rob Halford. Mark Wahlberg would represent Tim “Ripper” Owens coming from a Priest tribute band. But that is where the comparison ends!

      Oh and I like the actor who played the roadie too. Timothy Spall?

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      1. It’s one of those terrible movies that’s also really great. I knew the background, with the Judas Priest connection, before the movie came out, but I’m glad they fictionalized it. All the songs are fantastic. Did you know that the guy who replaces Mark Wahlberg’s character in Steel Dragon is Myles Kennedy, from Alter Bridge and Slash’s current band? I love pretty much anything Timothy Spall is in. If you’ve never seen the movie “Still Crazy,” I highly recommend it. One of the great films about a fictional band (also featuring the amazing Bill Nighy).

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        1. Ahh Rich. Also a personal favourite! Fantastic movie. Nice balance of comedy and drama and pathos and all kinds of stuff that normally isn’t in a rock film! With great tunes.

          I’ll have to see if I have a review of that movie in my files. I’d like to review it regardless.

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        2. I love his line, “My name’s actually Mike, but my friends call me Thor…God Of ThunDERRRRRRR.” Man, that high note he hits is pretty impressive, and I have to assume it was really his voice. No matter what he does musically, he’ll always be “that guy in Rock Star” to me.

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        3. No kidding! I never heard of the guy before Slash started working with him! In fact in my head I had already written him off just based on thinking Alter Bridge and Creed were the same sound.

          But I like him. I have a double live thing with Slash and he’s just great.

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        4. I think he’s got a great voice but nothing I’ve heard with him singing has ever made me want to own it. A live performance with Slash was on TV last year, but other than the GnR classics the rest of the material didn’t impress me. I also watched an Alter Bridge performance hoping to be blown away but I wasn’t. I heard he “auditioned” to replace Robert Plant after the 2007 reunion gig, but they never went beyond a couple of rehearsals.

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        5. Yeah it’s true, that happened. I don’t think that went very far past a few rehearsals though, like Aerosmith’s attempt to carry on without Steve Tyler.

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