Old review from the archives dug up for your enjoyment. Apologies to the regular music readers, but I’ve decided to post my reviews for the first three Transformers movies…but in reverse order. Because fuck these movies.
Directed by Michael Bay
As I sat there finishing the third Transformers movie, I thought to myself, “Does Michael Bay ever take himself seriously?” I mean, the dialogue here is so juvenile and stupid, the characters are more one-dimensional than ever (how is that even possible?), and every inch of film is so stupidly overblown, it’s beyond ridiculous. It’s like giving very expensive movie making equipment to a child with a Bart Simpson streak. Welcome to the Bay-verse, where one can walk away from a flaming car wreck with no injuries, and no idea what the hell the story is!
The plot, such as it is, revolves around the discovery of Sentinel Prime (voice of Leonard Nimoy and Autobot mentor to Optimus) on our moon by Neil Armstrong and the crew of the Apollo 11. Sentinel has something (yet another “McGuffin” in this series – a generic object that the protagonists and antagonists seek) that can save Cybertron (again). But there’s more than meets the eye and things are not always what they seem! Funny though how Earth always seems to be the epicentre of all Transformers plots and schemes. Are we a magnet for alien assholes?
Though it is the worst of the first three in the series, Dark of the Moon was a marginal improvement in some minor ways. Many of the most annoying characters (Sam’s annoying parents, the hip-hop-bots) are toned down in movie #3. The plot is still a confounding mess in a universe that defies all logic and physics. It’s all there to support a massive end battle that takes up almost half of the movie. Is that battle spectacular to watch? Oh, sure, I guess so. Can it hold your attention? No. After about half of the end battle had transpired, I was begging for this movie to please just fucking end.
I have to say though, Rosie Huntington-Whitely is an upgrade over Megan Fox. Something about British accents. Bad British acting always trumps bad American acting. The cast is rounding out by Frances McDormand (also wasted here), John Malkovich (criminally wasted), Patrick Dempsey (meh) and of course John Turturro who always should have more screen time.
A thudding end to a disappointing trilogy.
Oh, and by the by — no special features! On the Blu-ray! You suck, Bay!