Movies

MOVIE REVIEW: Mystique – Standing On the Firing Line (2022)

Note:  This review is of the new 96 minute cut of Mystique – Standing On the Firing Line. 

A collaboration with Jex!  For Jex Russell’s review, click here!

MYSTIQUE: STANDING ON THE FIRING LINE (2022, 2023 edition)

Directed by Marco D’Auria

“EPIC METAL” – Martin Popoff

They had the raw talent to make it.  They just needed a break.  They didn’t get it, but what they achieved instead was a legendary status with a handful of priceless releases left behind.  They were Mystique, a progressive heavy metal band from Hamilton Ontario.

Standing On the Firing Line is a 2022 documentary film by Marco D’Auria, finally shedding light on the history and music of this lesser-known band.  They always deserved more attention, and hopefully the film brings them that.  From the first shots of the band, the music of “No Return” assaults the senses with chopping riffs and unholy screams.  Why didn’t they make it?

The main driving force of Mystique from their beginnings to their demise were opera-trained singer Ray D’Auria (originally from Naples Italy), and perfectionist drummer John Davies, who had spent time in a few hard rock bands before Mystique.  Many other talented members joined and enhanced them along the way, but it was Ray and John who were there ’til the end.  The two met up when John auditioned for Ray’s band, Orion.  A friendship was formed, but the band wasn’t paying them the money they were owed.  They split as a pair and didn’t waste time starting their own thing.  15 year old Dave Dragos was a shredder – rated 2nd best in Canada at the time – and was first on board.  He introduced them to bassist Mark Arbour (a mixture of Geddy Lee and Chris Squire), and a solid band was formed.  A 1984 basement tape of “Black Rider” shows the nameless band had the goods.  It was Ray who blurted out “Mystique”, which felt right.

They found a rehearsal space, and added keyboardist Victor Barreiro.  The band practiced hard, and pushed each other to improve as musicians.  Davies tended to handle the business side, but they were attracting attention to themselves.  They found a manager (Ted Smirnios), money was borrowed, and songs were improved upon, until they were finally in shape to record.  Primitive but technically inventive tracks were recorded on 1/2″ tape, on a 16-track desk.  Not the best for sound quality, but good enough to get the songs down.  They went as far as to butcher a classic Leslie speaker to get a driving keyboard sound.

A stoned viewing of the animated Lord of the Rings movie captured John Davies, and inspired the song “Black Rider”.  The band had a sort of gothic bent in the mid-80s, but Ray D’Auria’s voice was appropriate for this progressive style of metal.  Journalist Martin Popoff remarks that the keyboards brought them into that progressive world.  Melodic guitar/keyboard solos took time to work out.  They were unafraid to play ballads, which Martin compares to a vintage Judas Priest dirge.  Mystique were a serious band!  The Black Rider EP impressed their peers for the playing if not the sound.  Popoff heard a strong Maiden influence, but compares more to Armored Saint and Odin with elements of power metal.  1000 copies were sold, an impressive amount.  Their manager got it as far away as Greece, and even accidentally set himself on fire as part of their stage show!

The band were doing well but dreams were not exceeded, and eventually members left for greener pastures, leaving Ray and John to rebuild.  Bizarrely, they met a talented French guitarist named Eric Nicolas in Jackson Square, and went to France to record their next demo:  1987’s I Am the King.  They struggled with the language barrier, and were recording digitally for the first time.  Ray blew everyone away with the “God note” that he held in “I Am the King”.  They were offered a record contract with Elektra in France, which didn’t pan out.  They brought the tapes home to Canada for release.

They added a new bassist, Les Wheeler, and evolved from metal to “hair”.  “The explosion in the costume factory look,” as described by Popoff, of their new extreme look that didn’t match their music.  “It looked good, from a distance,” jokes Ray.  Teenage girls loved their posters though!  Unfortunately having a guitar playing living in France was a barrier.  Wheeler broke his wrist in an accident.  A new lineup formed.  They felt forced to go more commercial, which resulted in the 1988 Poison-esque single “Rock and Roll Party Tonight”.  It was vastly different from “Black Rider”, but they went straight from that to recording a proper album, funded by EMI.  They taped 11 to 12 songs…but the album was never released and is partly lost today.  The masters tapes were sold and erased.  There were some good songs on that tape.  Ray, however, looks back at their change of direction as a mistake.  More shuffles in band members caused long breaks in activity, and the writing was on the wall.  Ray no longer identified with the music, and was the one to leave.  By 1989, their music was out of date anyway.

Manager Ted Smirnios is given a tremendous amount of credit for making Mystique happen.  It’s a touching part of the film.  The band members went their separate and sometimes surprising ways, but the story never really ends so long as people keep discovering the music.  Their releases are now valuable collectables today, worth a small fortune on the second-hand market.

Rare live clips and candid photos really bring an intimate look at Mystique.  You feel like you get to know the personalities.  This new edit of the film cut a substantial amount of footage, mostly interview footage with people who were there at the time.  The movie gains better pacing from this, as it just flies by in no time.  A new ending to the film brings us to the present day, and the movie’s theatrical premiere in front of a cheering audience.  The original cut might be considered for more hard-core viewers who want that “feels like being there” experience, but the current 96 minute edit is better for the enjoyment of Mystique.  It’s a much tighter and more direct story.  There is still plenty of unreleased music and vintage images.

Stay tuned for the mid-credit scene!

4.5/5 stars

MOVIE REVIEW: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Review written Nov 9 2009, rediscovered 2023, and posted unaltered.

G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Directed by Stephen Sommers

I am a hardcore GI Joe fan, but only Real American Hero and its continuations. As such I am very critical of some of the liberties taken with the characters in this movie, but in the end I was pretty satisfied with the movie. Read on!

Rise Of Cobra is interesting in that Cobra and its commander don’t really exist for most of the movie. Instead, Destro and his M.A.R.S. organization are the heavies, with some support from the beautiful Baroness Anastasia DeCobray, the ninja Storm Shadow, and Zartan the master of disguise. Thus, this movie chronicles the rise of Cobra Commander and his terrorist organization determined to rule the world.

It is the “near future”. The original Marvel comic as written by Larry Hama was based on actual military tactics, history, and machines, while enhanced with lots of futuristic touches such as laser cannons and Jump-jet packs. This movie updates the franchise for the new millenium. New technology here include nanomites, accelorator suits, and other gadgets. Yet even so, updated versions of classic vehicles such as the Night Raven jet and V.A.M.P. jeeps appear. Basically, just as GI Joe was futuristic for the 80’s, this is futuristic for the now.

The acting here is bad bordering on terrible. This Channing Tatum guy can’t act at all. Dennis Quaid pours the cheeze-wiz on every line of dialogue that General Hawk delivers. Marlon Wayons (Rip Cord), Rachel Nichols (Scarlet), and Sienna Miller (Baroness) are passable. The heavies tend to get the best roles and the best actors: Arnold Vosloo (Zartan) steals every scene he is in, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is surprisingly serpentine as Cobra Commander. Christopher Eccleston is good as the Scottish arms dealer Destro, just menacing enough while also dignified and cool. Also, it’s nice to see Jonathan Pryce in anything.

The direction, by that hack Stephen Sommers (The Mummy) is gawd-awful. He throws awkward flashback scenes in frequently with no real sense of flow. Check out The Watchmen for how to effectively do a flashback. His action scenes are pretty damn exciting, but you get a sense that a better director could have provided some more fluidity.

I’ll give you an example. The climactic sword fight between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow is decent, and Ray Park of course is the best at what he does. However, when you compare what he does here as Snake Eyes to what he did as Darth Maul, it’s underwhelming. That’s because the director doesn’t know how to shoot a scene like this, that should be an epic monumental battle.

And speaking of Darth Maul, what’s with the blatant Star Wars ripoffs? “Stay on target! Eject!” Double-bladed sword fights, taking place in a room that looked a hell of a lot like like the one in Phantom Menace?

And what’s with Brendan Fraser’s cameo? Did he ever speak more than 4 words in a row, or was he basically just grunting?

Anyway, if you can ignore these quibbles what you have here is a sci-fi action film with some cool gimmicks and is very enjoyable. The die hard Marvel fas get a Larry Hama cameo, as well as nice touches like Breaker chewing some bubble gum and General Hawk in a wheelchair. Even Storm Shadow’s fate echoes back to what happened in the Marvel series, and I can’t wait to see it play out in the next movie. Even though I think Snake Eyes taking a vow of silence is beyond stupid.

DVD special features are pretty scarce even on this 2-disc edition. There are no deleted scenes so, unfortunately, I am certain that some sort of deluxe edition is coming. That scene from the trailer when Destro asks, “What did you say your unit was called again?” and Hawk responds, “I didn’t,” isn’t in the movie. There are definitely scenes out there that didn’t make the cut. You get the audio commentary track with the entertaining Sommers (I may not like his work but that doesn’t mean I don’t like him as a person) and two featurettes. I think this lack of extras is a bit of a ripoff and I could care less about the digital copy.

This movie is obviously the first of a franchise (Dennis Quaid is signed to three films) and it really whets the appetite for the next film. There’s even a cliffhanger/teaser ending. You only really get to know five or six Joes so I’m anxious to see who will depicted in the next film. My personal wishlist includes Stalker, and I hope Major Bludd shows up too.

If you’re a fan of action films and you don’t care about acting or realism, you’ll dig GI Joe. If you’re a diehard like me, you’ll love seeing some of the toys you owned flying around on screen. I would say that GI Joe was a more successful adaptation than the dreadful Transformers films.

3/5 stars.  Very flawed, but acceptably entertaining.

GUEST FILM REVIEW: My History with Flash Gordon (1980) by Jex Russell

This guest post comes courtesy of Jex Russell, in conjunction with his new WordPress site.  Give him a follow!

 

FLASH GORDON (1980)

My introduction to Flash Gordon goes back to the Fall of 2005. November, I believe it was. At this point in time, I worked at a gas station, and to kill time when it was slow, I would browse through the magazine rack. I would go through the TV Guide week after week and look for any airings of 80s movies for me to tape. My VCR was still very active in 2005, and I would constantly tape movies off of TV and cut out all of the commercials.

On this particular week, I saw that Boston-based network UPN 38 (a.k.a. “WSBK”) was airing a 1980 film called Flash Gordon that upcoming Saturday afternoon. I was familiar with the character and the name Flash Gordon, I was even familiar with FLESH Gordon at this point, but I had never heard of this adaptation from 1980.

So, that night after work, I went online to find a trailer of it to watch. Keep in mind, in 2005 YouTube hadn’t completely taken off yet, so I relied on IMDb to find these old movie trailers.

I was immediately hypnotised by the visuals I was seeing: Conflict, lasers, explosions, a villain with crazy eyebrows, hawk-like men flying in a brightly colored sky, and of course, Flash Gordon cruising through space on this flying scooter-looking thing. All of this accompanied by a song that went like so: “FLASH!! AHH-AHH!”. Then, after showing the title and credits, the trailer ends with a title card that reads these three words: Music by QUEEN.

That was it. I was instantly sold. I knew I’d be taping this movie. So, that Saturday afternoon, I sat in front of the TV in my parents’ basement, recordable VHS tape loaded in the VCR, remote control in hand, and I experienced Flash Gordon for the very first time.

Now, one thing I should note is that this specific airing was cut down to fit a two-hour time slot. I had cut out the commercials, and the final runtime was around 90 minutes. The actual runtime of Flash Gordon is 110 minutes, which means this version I saw for the first time, and that I now had on tape, was missing approximately 20 minutes of footage. I haven’t seen this cut in almost two decades, but I’d be curious to watch it again and see exactly what portions were cut out.

All cuts aside, my initial reaction upon watching this movie was generally positive. I thought the movie was quite cheesy, especially in the acting department, but that’s right up my alley. I was also impressed by the visual presentation of the movie: The sets, costume design, the use of colors… Flash Gordon is a visually beautiful movie, and I still feel that way when I watch it now.

I still had the desire to see the full, UNCUT version of Flash Gordon, so off to Ebay I went, in hopes to find an official copy. Unfortunately for me, in 2005 Flash Gordon hadn’t reached the cult status it holds today. Copies were few and far between on Ebay. VHS copies were pricey, as was the case with the initial DVD release, distributed by Image Entertainment, that came in a cardboard “snapper case” rather than the traditional plastic DVD case.

So, I gave up on trying to find an official copy of Flash. Fast Forward to 2007, and Universal Pictures announces that they’ll be releasing a new DVD edition of Flash Gordon, dubbed the Saviour of the Universe Edition. Now, by this time, my interest in finding a copy of the film had died down, but I would eventually pick up a copy for $9.99 at Zellers in 2009, and I’m glad I did: The presentation on this DVD is glorious, and the film looks absolutely fantastic.

In my opinion, I think that the availability of this edition, plus all of the Flash Gordon references in Seth MacFarlane’s 2012 film Ted (where Sam J. Jones appears in a cameo as an exaggerated version of himself) have introduced the film to a new generation, a new audience and have propelled it to super cult status.

Having recently watched the film again for this review, I can safely say that, while the film is not without its flaws (the aforementioned acting, not to mention occasional humor that feels forced), it’s still a highly enjoyable film that keeps the viewer’s attention all the way through, mainly due to the wonderful cinematography.

I definitely felt an Italian-style of filmmaking here, and while doing research I found out why I got this impression: much of the crew for the film was Italian. But to get more specific, I got vibes of Federico Fellini while I was watching. Which is funny, because I’ve never actually watched any of his films, but I know enough about him and his style of filmmaking to be able to detect a similarity. Come to find out, Fellini was actually one of the first choices (if not THE first choice) to direct the film. They even make a reference to him early on in the film: When we first see Princess Aura (Ornella Muti), she is pulling a little person (Deep Roy) using a leash, and she says “Come, Fellini”.

An important part of the film which is also worth mentioning is the fantastic soundtrack by Queen, which acts like a character on its own. It really helps amp up the action sequences, and the film wouldn’t have been the same without it.

I would recommend this film to any fan of science-fiction, particularly fans of the original Star Wars, a big inspiration for Flash Gordon, which incidentally was released almost six months after the release of The Empire Strikes Back.

 

My rating: 3/5

 

FLASH GORDON (1980)

Directed by: Mike Hodges

Produced by: Dino De Laurentiis

Starring: Sam J. Jones, Melody Anderson, Max Von Sydow, Topol, Ornella Muti, Timothy Dalton, and Brian Blessed.

MOVIE REVIEW: Clerks III (2022)

CLERKS III (2002 Lionsgate)

Directed by Kevin Smith

There was once a time when I would have bought anything with Kevin Smith’s name on it.  Clerks resonated.  Clerks II was side-splitting.  We waited for the next chapter in Dante and Randall’s lives, now owners of the Quick Stop and in control of their own destinies.  And we waited, and we waited, and that film never came.

Then Kevin Smith had a near-fatal heart attack.

Clerks III was scrapped and a new version written.  It is this version that I watched the other night.

I may be the wrong person to review this film.  Take everything you read here with several large grains of salt.

I was not prepared for a movie this dark.  I knew that plot involved Randall having a heart attack and deciding to make a film of his life story.  I did not know how much other tragedies were to come for other characters.  I was triggered a bit by some hospital scenes and didn’t enjoy these bits at all.

I felt that Clerks III was two things:

  • Kevin telling a dark story that reflects where he was at that point in his life.
  • Kevin re-making Clerks.

The movie alternates between these two tones.  I respect the right of a filmmaker to to express themselves in any way they desire, but Clerks III was not the instalment for me.

There was one meta-humour moment with Amy Sedaris having a conversions with Randall involving The Mandalorian, which is funny since Amy Sedaris on that show.  So there are those things still happening, and of course all the self-references back to past movies in the View Askewniverse.  I guess that’s more the movie I wanted, rather than [SPOILER] …all this death.

2/5 stars

 

MOVIE REVIEW: Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)

AVATAR:  THE WAY OF WATER (2022)

Directed by James Cameron

For those who will tell me “Yeah, but you need to see it in 3D for the whole experience”:

I know.  But I didn’t.  A movie still has to hold my attention in 2D, and based on that, I’m writing this movie review.

I like James Cameron, and I liked the first Avatar well enough, even though it was a derivative story we’ve all seen before in multiple films.  I am happy to revisit Pandora in all its splendor, with new biomes and new lifeforms — including intelligent whale-like cetaceans.  The allegories are unsubtle.  Perhaps they have to be, in order to have an impact on a dumbed-down modern audience.  For the rest of us, these parallels are a little too on-the-nose.

Was Avatar: The Way of Water a good film?  Sure!  It wasn’t a bad one.  But it certainly was not great.

Too many characters, too hard to distinguish.  Zoe Saldana disappeared in this film.  Sam Worthington is almost second fiddle to Navi: The Next Generation.  The kids are the center stage this time:  Jake and Netiri’s kids, and a human named “Spider” that you will tire of watching run around barefoot in his Tarzan clothes.  Who is “Spider”?  He is the son of Stephen Lang’s character from the first film.  Yes, he had a son he didn’t know about.  But he will, because now dead humans can be sent back to Pandora in new avatar bodies.  Now Stephen Lang’s all blue, but still just as intense.  This time he wants revenge on Jake Sully.  Good thing that happens to line up with Earth’s plan to pretty much do to Pandora what they already did to Earth!

Jake and family must move, so they choose a water clan to join.  They are somewhat welcomed, but of course do not fit in, and the kids have to endure the kind of things that kids endure when they move to a new town in movies.

Because nobody on Pandora dies permanently, apparently, Sigourney Weaver returns as her own CG daughter, which actually works.  She’s the highlight of the film.  Others, like Kate Winslet and Edie Falco, just disappear into this very crowded movie.  Plenty more characters from the original make quick, token cameos.

The first two hours were fine enough.  A lot of world building, showing, and telling.  There’s a lot to see.  Every corner of the screen bleeds beauty.  Too much.  Eventually it becomes numbing.  So much colour, so much water, so much life.  Perhaps this is where the 3D aspect would come as a relief.  You can just…look.

The last hour’s worth of Titanic ripoffs and kid rescues was tiring and I barely finished.

Bring an extra large popcorn.

3/5 stars

MOVIE REVIEW: Jodorowsky’s Dune (2014)

JODOROWSKY’S DUNE (2014 Sony Pictures)

Directed by Frank Pavich

What do Alien, Star Wars, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Flash Gordon, Masters of the Universe, The Terminator, and Blade Runner all have in common? They all bear the imprint of Alejandro Jodorowsky’s attempt to make a film version of Frank Herbert’s Dune in the mid-70s. 2001: A Space Odyssey was the definitive space movie, and Star Wars was just a gleam in Lucas’ eye.  Dune, considered by many to be unfilmable, was perfect for Jodorowsky.  The Chillean-French director was considered a madman, albeit one with a sky-high imagination.  Of Dune, he sought to give the audience a druggy trip without the drugs.  But he also sought to make so much more – “a prophet”, he described it.  Something that would change the consciousness of the audience, and the future of movies.  Free the imagination, the mind, the soul.  He saw it as something much bigger than making a film, and so he assembled a team of “spiritual warriors” to join him in making his vision real.

His warriors included the Swiss genius H.R. Giger, known for his biomechanical style. Comic artists Chris Foss and Jean “Mœbius” Giraud were on board.  (Ian Gillan fans will recognize Foss’ style from the cover of his Clear Air Turbulence album.) Special effects genius Dan O’Bannon sold all his possessions and moved to France to work with the team. Pink Floyd and Magma were assigned to do music for specific planetary settings. Mick Jagger, Orson Welles, Salvador Dali, David Carradine and Udo Kier signed on, with Welles to play the grotesque Baron Harkonnen. Jodorowsky convinced him by offering to hire his favourite French chef for his catering.  As the key character of Paul Atreides, the messiah of Dune, who could he cast but his own son Brontis?  The boy went through gruelling physical and mental training for  the role.

The team assembled what is now known as the Dune book, an incredibly detailed shot-by-shot storyboard, several inches thick, and filled with images that found full motion and sound later on in the aforementioned films.  Giger’s designs are especially recognizable, including one that foreshadows his famous Alien Xenomorph.

Jodorowsky used Herbert’s Dune as the basis for his own, but began to drastically change the storyline.  Some of his original ideas were brilliant, but his ending is completely baffling.  In an “I am Spartacus!” moment, Paul dies, which does not happen in the book.  Suddenly his consciousness transfers to the people of planet Arrakis, who all proclaim to be Paul.  The planet comes back to life, with green jungles and blue oceans appearing.  Arrakis then breaks orbit, and shoots through space to share its new joined consciousness with the universe.  Heady stuff perhaps, but a sharp change in direction to Herbert’s more serious science fiction style.  Jodorowsky believed in his story, with an unbelievable passion.  He is visibly angered at what comes next.

When movie executives told him that the film had to come in at 90 minutes, it was the beginning of the end.  No, he said.  Eight hours, or 20 hours, he would make the movie he needed to make!  Studio executives don’t like hearing such things, and fearing budget overruns, cancelled the Jodorowsky version of Dune.  His team scattered, with many such as Giger, O’Bannon and Foss meeting soon again on Ridley Scott’s Alien.  The Dune project was handed to David Lynch, who Jodorowsky believed was the only other person who could have realized the movie the right way.  It filled him with feelings of dread that soon turned to glee when he saw just how bad Lynch’s Dune turned out.  Yet he knew, it had to be the movie executives who ruined it.

This is the story of Jodorowsky’s Dune, a documentary film by Frank Pavich.  You will be stunned by the images that this team created, and by Alejandro’s deep passion for making his art.  This is your own chance to see what might have been.  Blu-ray recommended.

4.5/5 stars

MOVIE REVIEW: Hobo With a Shotgun (2011)

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN (2011 Alliance)

Directed by Jason Eisener

If you liked Grindhouse (you know, Planet Terror + Death Proof and assorted trailers) or Machete, then this Canadian-born movie, Hobo With A Shotgun, should also be on your radar.  The original Hobo With a Shotgun trailer, pre-Rutger Hauer’s involvement, originally screened with Grindhouse in Canada.

If you happen to notice a few of your friends from the Trailer Park Boys (Ricky AKA Robb Wells, as well as Sam Tarasco and others) that’s because it was filmed in Nova Scotia. And if you’re wondering why co-star Molly Dunsworth looks so familiar, there’s a good reason. She is the daughter of John Dunsworth (Jim Lahey) and sister of Sarah E. Dunsworth (Sarah). There’s lots of Trailer Park lineage in this movie.

However, that is where the comparisons end. When the Hobo (with no name!) shows up in Hope Town (renamed Scum Town) he immediately notices something amiss: Gangs and prostitutes running wild. Then he bears witness to Logan’s (Robb Wells) brutal death by the hands of his own brother and nephews (by decapitation no less) and realizes that this town truly is scum town.

What follows is a bloody cartoon-violent spectacle that really has no socially redeeming value, other than evil is evil and must be punished. The town is run by The Drake and his two nephews, Slick and Ivan, who make rape and murder a part of daily life. Torching a school bus full of kids just to keep the town in line is nothing to these guys. Although a certain hobo might have something to say about it….

This hobo doesn’t want to be a part of the violence. All he wants is $50 to buy a lawnmower and start his own business. After earning the $50 (in a exploitive Bum Fights style video) he has a change of heart, thanks to prostitute Abby (Dunsworth). A shotgun is also $50, and he’s just the right man to clean up this town.

You will see intestines, blood, gore, and plenty of sharp objects. This hobo takes no prisoners — but neither do his foes! Can the hobo clean up this town? He will be up against his match when The Plague (a mysterious supernatural armored duo) show up to do him in….

Not a particularly good film, but one that will find an audience with those who know how to appreciate it.  The acting in Hobo With A Shotgun is amateur and over the top, but Rutger Hauer keeps it grizzled and serious, turning in ironically one of his better performances.  If there ever was a grizzled action star ready for a comeback, it was actually Rutger Hauer all along.

Hobo With A Shotgun on DVD is loaded (pun intended) with extras including two audio commentaries and an alternate ending that might be superior to the real one. You also get the original trailer (with Mike Jackson also of Trailer Park Boys) that started it all.  A pretty easy purchase to complete your Grindhouse collection.

 

3/5 stars

#960: Spoilers? [Spoiler-free]

RECORD STORE TALES #960:  Spoilers?

How do you like to enjoy a movie?  Do you prefer to go in stone cold with no spoilers?  Or do you like to be hot with anticipation, awaiting every mega-moment that you have seen leaked on Reddit?

Spoiler alert:  I like spoilers.

Gimme them spoilers!  Movies today are so predictable anyway.  But I have zero tolerance for jagoffs who post this stuff in public.  It’s inconsiderate.  Therefore, this will be a spoiler-free chapter about spoilers.

We’ve all seen the classic Simpsons episode, am I right?  Homer walks out of The Empire Strikes Back, saying aloud, “Who’d have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker’s father!”  Everyone in line was furious at him for revealing the big one.  More recently came a douchebag who spoiled a Harry Potter book for all the faithful waiting in line to buy it.  “Snape kills Dumbledore!” he yelled from the safety of his car as he drove by like a true coward.

I think it’s safe to say that whether you are pro or anti spoiler in your personal lives, nobody likes an asshole like that who goes out of their way to ruin an experience for everybody.  Go back home to mommy’s basement, spoiler-troll.

When we were kids, we never went to see movies in their first weeks.  Our family waited until things had died down a bit.  By then we’d already bought the Marvel Comics adaptations.  The Empire Strikes Back was the last Star Wars movie I saw that wasn’t spoiled.  My dad bought the Marvel comic adaptation while we waited in the lobby.  It was just the two of us.  The big reveal had less an affect on me — I simply assumed Vader was lying, as did most of us kids.  We’d already seen him lie to Lando.   Then, starting with Return of the Jedi, pretty much every Star Wars movie I saw was spoiled in some way.  I discovered this didn’t hamper my enjoyment of the films at all.  In fact it made me want to see them even more, and savour the moments when they came.

Phantom Menace?  Spoiled by Lucasfilm themselves, on the soundtrack CD to the movie.  Attack of the Clones?  By this time, Ain’t It Cool News was getting regular clicks.  I just can’t resist the allure of spoilers!  The internet has made it hard to keep a movie secret in any way.

Look at Spiderman: No Way Home.  The film’s not even out yet.  Pretty much everything has already been up on YouTube before Sony could take them down.  (And taking them down, they are!)  So I’ve seen everything.  I’ve seen all the villains.  I’ve seen the end credit scenes (both).  The heroes, the cameos, the big moments.  All filmed on some shitty, shaking cell phone where you can barely hear the dialogue.

My sister has rules about spoilers.  She doesn’t want to know anything that isn’t in the official trailers.  I think that’s a sensible policy.  For her.

These glimpses don’t spoil movies for me.  I still got the shakes, watching the terrible YouTube videos.  My tear ducts got a little wet when I saw…nevermind.  And based on past experience, it’ll happen again when I finally see No Way Home in theaters.  Whenever that will be.

See, that’s currently the problem.  With the latest Covid variants, who knows when I’ll be back in the theaters.  Originally I planned to see Spiderman during Christmas holidays.  Now I’m not so sure.  I have to play it by ear.  My grandmother (age 97) is in the hospital right now, and seeing her is more important than seeing Tom Holland and his new friends on the big screen.

So, yeah, spoil me!  Spoil me rotten — but ask me first.

#954/REVIEW: A Day at the Matinee – Eternals (2021) [SPOILER-Y]

The last time I went to see a movie, it was a V.I.P. experience and I had never heard the word “coronavirus” in my life.  This time was starkly different but enjoyable in its own way.

I’ve been wanting to see a movie in this pandemic ever since Tenet hit theaters in 2020, but that was before vaccines and many people were not ready to be back in cinemas yet.  2021 is different, and I’ve been enjoying stores and dinners out once again.  Time to go see a movie!  Eternals it is!  Now I’m completely caught up in the MCU, just in time for Spiderman:  No Way Home!

Eternals hasn’t been doing well, and for a Sunday matinee all that was available was the standard 2D showing.  (I could identify scenes that looked like important bits were cropped out from the Imax aspect ratio.)  My original intent was to see the movie with our friend Vu, but he’s a busy pharmacist and at the last minute, could not get away.  I was already at the theater, so I went ahead and bought my ticket.  Morning show:  less than eight bucks!  Occupany:  I was one of five people total!

I got comfortable in my seat; with the nearest person many rows away, I felt more comfortable than I’ve ever felt in a movie theater.  Not a sound from the others (not even a laugh at the funny scenes) and absolutely no distractions.  I don’t think I’ve ever had that experience in the cinemas before.  As per cinema rules, I was also masked for two and a half hours with no difficulty whatsoever.  In fact my usually cold nose was very happy to be masked.

I usually look forward to the trailers, but all I saw was shit.  Morbius looks awful and the fan-service trailer feels like a promotional clip for more than one movie.   I grew impatient.  Bring on the Eternals.

ETERNALS (2021 Marvel)
Directed By Chloé Zhao

I really wanted to like the Eternals.  Just days ago I acquired the last Eternals action figure of the ten:  Ajak, Salma Hayek’s character, healer and leader of the team.  She was a Walmart exclusive.  More like Walmart “elusive”!   The designs of the costumes, with unique colours for each character, were intriguing.  With all ten characters in hand, I was familiar with all their names and powers.

There’s Thena, Angelina Jolie’s goddess of war who can manifest blades and shields.  Gilgamesh (Don Lee), the powerhouse with a mighty punch.  Sprite (Lia McHugh), the master of illusions and storytelling, trapped in a child’s body.  Druig (Barry Keoghan), the brooding controller of minds.  Kingo (Kumail Nanjiani), a star of the silver screen who can fire bursts of energy from his hands.  The master of technology, Phastos (Bryan Tyree Henry), can create devices of great power and ingenuity with his mind.  Makkari (Lauren Ridloff) is the speedster and seemingly much faster than Quicksilver himself.  She’s also deaf and signs with her teammates.  Ikaris (Richard Madden), upon whom the legend of Icarus is based, is perhaps the most powerful, with strength, flight, and cosmic energy eyebeams.  Finally there is Sersi (Gemma Chan), the actual central hero of the film, who can convert any non-sentient matter into anything else.  Air to water, earth to wood, her choice.  They have been here for 7000 years, shaping our history and becoming our heroes of ancient legend.

That’s a lot of characters, and doesn’t include the underused Dane Whitman (Kit Harrington), Sersi’s boyfriend and spinoff setup device.  Kingo’s valet Karun (Harish Patel) has more screentime than the future Black Knight.  Dane’s lineage is briefly hinted at, and the Ebony Blade mentioned, before being revealed in a post-credit scene that we’ll discuss later.  The point is, Whitman is not important to the story.  He begins as the “regular person” perspective character that we can relate to, as the strangeness unfolds.  But then he disappears and only at the end do we cynically realize his true purpose:  MCU world building.

It wouldn’t be a Marvel movie without some deus ex machina to boot — or maybe characters just like to wait until the last possible minute before revealing their presence?  That said, Ikaris does know how to make an entrance.

Many of the characters are quite delightful.  One feels for the relationship between Thena and Gilgamesh; one the sick and one the caretaker.  Poor Sprite feels cursed as a 7000 year old child who can never age, never to know love or even what it feels like to be treated as an equal.  Phastos, the master of technology, is haunted by his past.  He thought aiding humans to develop new sources of energy would help their society advance.  As he stood in the ashes of Hiroshima, he realized how wrong he was.  He has retreated to an anonymous family life with a husband and a son.  Thena, wonderfully portrayed by Jolie, has the equivalent of Space Alzheimers, lashing out in violence in fitful rages of memory loss.

Other characters go undeveloped.  I loved watching the speedy heroics of Makkari (Mercury), the girl with attitude, but never get a feel for her character otherwise.  Kingo is the entertainer, loving the spotlight and admiration of humans.  He displays wisdom, insight and his own unique perspective on events, but we never really get a feeling for what makes him tick.

Then there is Druig, the intriguing Eternal who can control minds.  With a thought, he could end all war on Earth, but he is forbidden from interfering.  Forbidden by who?

The complex story of love, deception, legend, history and family takes two and a half hours to unfold.  It is told in the form of flashbacks and exposition, lots of exposition.  The initial cover story is that the Eternals were sent to Earth to protect intelligent life from predators called Deviants.  That turned out to be a lie, but they are forbidden from interfering in human affairs unless Deviants are involved.  This comes right down from those that created both Eternals and Deviants:  the Celestials.  The Deviants were their mistake, and the Eternals are the correction.

Again, a lot to sort out in under one movie.  So in sum:  11 new characters (including Whitman), and three new factions.  Sort of new.

We’ve seen Celestials before in the Marvel universe:  giant beings of immense power.  Peter Quill’s dad Ego the Living Planet said he was a Celestial.  The space colony of Knowhere was built in the severed head of a giant Celestial.  The ultimate villain of Eternals is Arishem, a planet-sized Celestial who helps creation continue in the universe.  Celestials create new suns and life in the universe.  meanwhile, new Celestials are born in the heart of planets and feed on the life energy of intelligent beings like humans.  And it just so happens that a new Celestial named Tiamut is about to be born right in the middle of our Earth.  We die so that the Celestials can continue to create new life.  It’s a cycle.

And it also turns out that the Eternals are not the protectors of humans that we assumed.  They were only to protect them until such time as the new Celestial growing inside Earth had absorbed enough life energy.  This happened after the “Blip”, the moment in Avengers: Endgame when half of life in the universe was restored with the Infinity Stones.  Now some of the Eternals have grown so attached to humanity that they don’t want to fulfill their purpose.  They want to stop the destruction of the Earth.  Others cannot imagine disobeying their Celestial masters.  As you can imagine, this boils down to an Eternal vs. Eternal showdown at the end.

Any battle scene with the Eternals in this film has merit.  Since each character has their own power, they find creative ways to use them in concert together.  Unfortunately, the Deviants (who are being sold as the main villains but are really a just side threat) are not very interesting foes.  They look like Bayformers from one of the really bad Transformers films; all sinewy with tentacles that seem to defy physics.  Generic and uninteresting to look at.  One of the Deviants learns how to steal powers from Eternals and becomes a new threat.  We’re never really told why he can do this, but he does, and he evolves.

With the battle lines drawn, two groups of Eternals fight.  Needless to say the do-gooders trying to save the Earth, led by Sersi, are triumphant.  However the planet’s surface itself is scarred by the near-emergence of Tiamut the Celestial, and this will undoubtedly be referenced in Marvel movies and shows in Phase 4.  Our heroes and villains split up and go their separate ways.  A defeated Ikaris flies into the sun, almost like his mythical counterpart.  A small group take their triangular spaceship the Domo to go look for more Eternals.  And they find one almost immediately, in the mid-credit scene!  Patton Oswalt fans will like this, and what it could mean for the future.

In a clunky but hype-worthy post credit scene, Kit Harrington reveals his family’s cursed blade, but before touching it, is asked by an offscreen voice if he’s really ready for it.  Of course we know he will be, in whatever spinoff he appears.  But what really matters is who the offscreen voice is.  Thanks to director Chloé Zhao, we know it was a guy who’s kind of an expert on blades.  Welcome to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Blade (Mahershala Ali)!

Zhao’s knack for an outdoor scene made this Marvel movie seem bigger than any before it.  The cosmic themes with a grounded Earth setting helped the movie stay accessible.  At all times, our characters feel like humans.  Her direction provides a visual feast, as well as human characters.

But it’s congested.  While not fast paced, it feels like characters and concepts are rushed.  Who is Phastos, who is Kingo?  Let’s find out more about them.  What has Sprite been doing all these centuries?  Are Druig and Makkari ever going to hook up, and if so, why has it taken them 7000 years?  Seriously, you could do an entire film on Druig and what he could have been up to, building strange utopias in the jungle.  Makkari looks like she’s been on a hell of a lot of adventures, plus she can read a book in seconds.  Let’s find out more about her, please.

Nitpick:  in the film, Dane Whitman asks why the Eternals didn’t try to stop Thanos or anything else that’s happened in the MCU.  I would also ask where the other Marvel heroes are when a giant head and hand start to emerge from the ocean.  Where’s that beeper to Captain Marvel at a time like this?  (Granted, she had to go somewhere pretty urgently at the end of the last Marvel movie, perhaps excusing herself from helping out in this film.)

Following so closely behind the truly Marvel-ous Shang-Chi, Eternals feels like an unfortunate misfire.  The proof will be how it goes in rewatches.  Two or three years down the road, it might be better appreciated.  Or, it might be seen as an unfortunate corporate launchpad for new characters and concepts in the MCU.  Those who enjoy the cosmic side of the universe, as seen in Guardians of the Galaxy and Loki, will delight in the massive Celestials, very well executed on screen.  Could this all be priming our senses up for the eventual arrival of Galactus in Phase Five?  Just speculation of course, but it seems more than possible.

See Eternals, but maybe do some research on the characters first before you go in completely dry.

3/5 stars

On my way out, I said “screw it, I’m getting some popcorn”.  I didn’t have any during the film having just had an early lunch.  I buttered it extra heavy and brought it home with me.

That was what I’ll call a positive experience.

GUEST MOVIE REVIEW: Clash of the Titans (2010)

Clash of the Crappy CGI Images, by Dewey Finn

CLASH OF THE TITANS (2010 Warner Bros.)

Directed by Louis Leterrier

I saw this movie theatrically in 3D, which was an awful, headache-inducing experience. Lesson learned: Movies filmed in 3D look great. Movies converted to 3D look like there is a fine layer of mud on the screen. Then I saw it on Blu, during a movie night where my choice (District 9) was voted down.

At least the 2D Blu-ray disc looks better than the 3D. However, that can’t save this movie, which is over-reliant on CG creatures and settings; all action, no pacing, no story, no character, no emotion. Let’s face it, there was never a legitimate reason to remake Clash of the Titans. There was never anything wrong with the original, except perhaps a lil’ too much homage to Star Wars (robotic owls and young men looking to escape the doldrums of their isolated lives).

When this project was first announced, I knew it had the potential to be a disaster. The only thing that could have saved it would have been going deeper back into the original Greek mythology, which the original film used only sparingly. I mean, there was no robotic owl in Greek mythology. But no, this film is even more loosely based on the source material, while continuing to use made-up characters from the original (Calibos), and let’s face it…the script sucks. The CG is hit and miss, with some things looking great and others just awful. The direction leaves something to be desired, and character development isn’t even in this movie’s vocabulary. It’s a shame, because while Sam Worthington does nothing for me, Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes are not too bad. The rest of the performances are like cardboard, with only the odd cameo (Pete Postlethwait’s comes to mind) having any sort of spark.

I do think it it’s funny that we always hear the same argument: “It’s a summer action movie, it doesn’t need a good script.” Why not? You see that same argument in defence of numerous action movies online. Action and script are not mutually exclusive. But it’s your brain cells you’re killing, not mine. And it’s not just just the script in this case. It’s the crappy acting, the generic CG, the fact that it’s an unoriginal remake of a classic movie, etc. Rotten Tomatoes readers have spoken: a 29% rating. Near universal bad reviews everywhere? Action movies don’t have to be stupid. I don’t want to turn my brain off when I’m being entertained. I don’t know about you, but just looking at action on the screen without any sort of raison d’etre puts me in a coma.

Bonus features: Deleted scenes on the Blu-ray are actually better than a lot of the movie itself.

Take a stand against Hollywood remakes. Don’t buy this. Hell, don’t even rent it. Just avoid it. Go get the original. It’s available on a really nice Blu-ray. Burgess Meredith, Sir Lawrence Fuckin’ Olivier, Maggie Smith…and, of course, the brilliant animation of Ray Harryhausen. I met Harryhausen once. This remake was in the works even then, and he didn’t even want to talk about it. He knew it would be not only a disaster, but would tarnish the reputation of the name Clash of the Titans. He was right.

The only way to stop Hollywood from making dumb, brainless remakes is to vote with your wallet. I got chills when I heard this was the first of a trilogy. Lord, no.

No stars!

 

DF