#630: Mind Games – Cancer Chronicles 3

We’re less than a week away from surgery.  Jen’s scared.  While this is a routine surgery, it’s life changing for her.  Neither of us have ever experienced anything like this before.  Afterwards, she’s looking at a significant recovery time.  She’s going to have very limited mobility for a while.  This is very stressful.  It’s also stressful to imagine the challenges that we don’t know about yet, so we try and shut those thoughts down.

My brain is sometimes my worst enemy.

I know that we have a great surgeon.  We are confident that he is going to do a great job.  He also has great bedside manner.  He is reassuring.  Fear is natural and there’s nothing he can do about that.  When Jen is up scared at night, and I’m there to comfort her, it takes its toll on me, too.  I’m not oblivious to her fears.  And when the lights go out I can’t control where my brain goes.

So I’ll wake up, usually between 2:00 and 3:00 am, with the vague memory of negative unconscious thoughts in my head.  I’ll try to meditate, think on something else, but at 2:00 am you can only do so much.  Before long I’m in the bathroom vomiting up whatever I had in my stomach.

The day after a puke night, I never feel right.  Sleep is interrupted.  I’m sluggish, I have headaches and back aches.  It’s sometimes hard to put food back in me.  I can’t always eat a breakfast or a lunch after a night like that.  I’m losing weight but not in a good way.

I’m not sure how to turn this around, with less than a week to go.  The stress is only going to increase as we prepare for surgery.  We are being as proactive as we think we can be.  I am trying to take care of my body and my mind.  I’m only human and I have my own strengths and weaknesses.  I often consider my brain to be my greatest strength but right now, it’s getting the better of me.


  1. You have to think the surgery will save her life and after she will not have cancer any more. She is getting the best of care and a healthy life to look forward to. I know its very hard to deal with but good things are ahead. Dad

    Liked by 8 people

  2. Stay strong Man! You need to hang in there as Jen’s gonna need ya!
    Have you been to your doc? Should look into a leave of absence …
    Take care Mikey….Blog Community is with ya!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks for the support dude…yeah a leave of absence isn’t off the table…I don’t want to go that way if I can avoid if, but we’ll have to see.

      Met with the surgeon today and got nothing but good information from him, so that helps a lot. Just as we get closer and it gets more real to us, emotions also get real.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah for sure. I that option is available to you use it man! Your getting run down and this way your off and takes the stress of your system trying to slug through a work day worrying about everything plus trying to focus on the task at hand!

        Liked by 3 people

  3. Thinking about you and Jen. You will get through this!! As for your stress levels it sounds like you are engaging in self care, but maybe Deke is right – perhaps a loa is something you should look into, even for a few weeks.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh Dude, you’ll get there! You have each other, you have a great doc, and the prognosis (if I’m following along correctly) seems good. This really is going into the unkonwn, for you guys, but you just have to believe in each other and be strong and soon enough you’ll be on the other side of this surgery and working towards the future. Together.

    Power to you both, and fuck cancer! We’re all with you!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wish i could help. These are the obvious ones but probably good to hear. Share and ask for help, even if it’s just asking a friend to come around with a pizza or sixpack or some funny candy or soda u like. Just to let u know they are thinking of you.Maybe let them in on time scheme too like if 5 minutes is all u can muster of socializing then let them know. this ones good too :Take 15–30 minutes each day to do something for yourself, no matter how small it is. Try to make time for taking a walk, going for a run, riding a bike,or doing gentle stretches.hang out here on your site reading the comments, organize your toys etc. And remember that some of your friends may distance themselves ‘cos they may feel clueless and helpless.Maybe u can reach out to your church and let them know u could use support even if just someone to talk to. Okey? U guys are taking a lot on. But u got this.And together u WILL beat this. And in the moments u feel like u don’t, just remember that u are not in this alone and let someone close to you be there. Watch your favorite crazy comedies since laughter always helps and gives u strength. Maybe u can start a journal to let the thoughts out. Just had a thought. maybe u could make a scrapbook of sort of your wife’s favorite things, goofy stuff only u 2 know etc to have her look at after the operation. And most importantly, remember to EAT!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. All good advise. I had a rough week this week. Called in sick three days in a row. We’re making sure we’ll all set for next week. Clean clothes, reading material, devices charged and ready. Gotta head out in a few and buy some books.

      I’ll be right there with her and I’ll be able to get her anything she needs. I’m going to ask Don Cherry if he’ll say hello to her on TV :)


  6. I’m with Deke all the way, man. Both you and Jen need your strength. Think about some time off to remove some of the weight of the day to day.

    We’re thinking about you guys.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks J.

      I felt like a piece of shit this week. Ashamed of myself. After the Jan 9 meeting with the surgeon, I was so stressed that I called in sick 3 days in a row. I felt awful physically — but also like a failure.


      1. Man, there’s no shame in struggling with the weight of all of this shit you’re both going through. Not just the stress of the diagnosis and pending surgery, but the consequential weight.


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