We’re less than a week away from surgery. Jen’s scared. While this is a routine surgery, it’s life changing for her. Neither of us have ever experienced anything like this before. Afterwards, she’s looking at a significant recovery time. She’s going to have very limited mobility for a while. This is very stressful. It’s also stressful to imagine the challenges that we don’t know about yet, so we try and shut those thoughts down.
My brain is sometimes my worst enemy.
I know that we have a great surgeon. We are confident that he is going to do a great job. He also has great bedside manner. He is reassuring. Fear is natural and there’s nothing he can do about that. When Jen is up scared at night, and I’m there to comfort her, it takes its toll on me, too. I’m not oblivious to her fears. And when the lights go out I can’t control where my brain goes.
So I’ll wake up, usually between 2:00 and 3:00 am, with the vague memory of negative unconscious thoughts in my head. I’ll try to meditate, think on something else, but at 2:00 am you can only do so much. Before long I’m in the bathroom vomiting up whatever I had in my stomach.
The day after a puke night, I never feel right. Sleep is interrupted. I’m sluggish, I have headaches and back aches. It’s sometimes hard to put food back in me. I can’t always eat a breakfast or a lunch after a night like that. I’m losing weight but not in a good way.
I’m not sure how to turn this around, with less than a week to go. The stress is only going to increase as we prepare for surgery. We are being as proactive as we think we can be. I am trying to take care of my body and my mind. I’m only human and I have my own strengths and weaknesses. I often consider my brain to be my greatest strength but right now, it’s getting the better of me.