I have to admit I’m surprised how fantastic Jen looked and sounded post-surgery.  I’ve never experienced surgery; it scares the shit out of me.  Jen did it like a champion!  The hospital staff kept telling us what a great person she is.  Of course we know that already!

We spent several hours with her yesterday and she was in top spirits.  When we arrived, she was playing video games.  We got her hooked up with a TV so she could watch the hockey game.  We brought her yarn and needles so she could continue working on her knitting projects. We got her some coffee and she was thrilled.  She wasn’t allowed any coffee before surgery.  She said it was the best coffee she ever tasted.

A little while later the nurses had her out of bed for her first walk.  Part of the long recovery process is walking, breathing and coughing.  It hurt — I could see the pain on her face.  It will be several days before she’s able to come home.

I, however, have to get back to “real life”.  Jen’s mom will be taking care of her for the next few days.  At least I know she’s in good hands.

Recovery means she’ll be taking it easy for about six weeks.  I’ll be doing double duty on house chores which means much less writing.  That’s OK.  I had a pretty good five year run of writing almost daily.

Now, you may wonder “what’s with the main photo at the top of this article?”  It’s called “Guess The Grossness”, a fun hospital game that Jen plays.  Can you guess what the “food” is in the top photo?

Thanks for all your support.  It had been overwhelming, and so appreciated.  Thank you all!

It was a long anxious day but it’s done now.  Jen’s surgery went well  We’re all exhausted so this will be a short one.

We didn’t get to see her while she was in the recovery room. We’ll see her Tuesday and we’ll bring her anything that she wants.  I miss her.  I can’t wait to see her and tell her how amazing she is.  Everybody told us how special she is.  Of course, we already know that.

This one battle is won.

The past week was stressful for Jen and I.  We met the surgeon on January 9.  He didn’t tell us anything we didn’t expect, but still:  it was happening.  It was real.  Time was ticking we couldn’t shut it out of our minds anymore.  We had to get ready to Jen’s surgery and aftercare.

Three hours of surgery will be following by approximately a week in the hospital for recovery.  Then, six to eight weeks recovery at home.  Dr. Sugimoto assured me that if Jen’s home care was too difficult, they would arrange for help.  She’s applied for Mobility Plus, the special busses for the disabled.  We both really like “Dr. Sugi” as the staff call him.  When Jen had her biopsy, she had abnormal bleeding.  Dr. Sugimoto came back from home to re-do the gauze.  He’s amazing, honestly.

Even though we have incredible support, we are only human.  Both of us.  After the last meeting with Dr. Sugimoto, I was unable to go back to work.  The weight of this is affecting me emotionally and physically.  I hoped I could be stronger.  I set a goal for myself to keep going to work.  That was my mistake and I knew it.  It wasn’t a realistic goal.  I knew there was a real chance I wouldn’t be able to go to work every day.  So, I felt like a failure and it was my fault.  I guilt myself like nobody else can.

We’ve never gone through something like this.  I don’t know how we’re “supposed” to feel and act.

I think we’re prepared as much as one can be.  When she comes home there will be a new set of challenges, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  When I have news to post, I’ll post it.

In the meantime, every comment and prayer is appreciated.  We love you and we’ll be back soon.

We’re less than a week away from surgery.  Jen’s scared.  While this is a routine surgery, it’s life changing for her.  Neither of us have ever experienced anything like this before.  Afterwards, she’s looking at a significant recovery time.  She’s going to have very limited mobility for a while.  This is very stressful.  It’s also stressful to imagine the challenges that we don’t know about yet, so we try and shut those thoughts down.

My brain is sometimes my worst enemy.

I know that we have a great surgeon.  We are confident that he is going to do a great job.  He also has great bedside manner.  He is reassuring.  Fear is natural and there’s nothing he can do about that.  When Jen is up scared at night, and I’m there to comfort her, it takes its toll on me, too.  I’m not oblivious to her fears.  And when the lights go out I can’t control where my brain goes.

So I’ll wake up, usually between 2:00 and 3:00 am, with the vague memory of negative unconscious thoughts in my head.  I’ll try to meditate, think on something else, but at 2:00 am you can only do so much.  Before long I’m in the bathroom vomiting up whatever I had in my stomach.

The day after a puke night, I never feel right.  Sleep is interrupted.  I’m sluggish, I have headaches and back aches.  It’s sometimes hard to put food back in me.  I can’t always eat a breakfast or a lunch after a night like that.  I’m losing weight but not in a good way.

I’m not sure how to turn this around, with less than a week to go.  The stress is only going to increase as we prepare for surgery.  We are being as proactive as we think we can be.  I am trying to take care of my body and my mind.  I’m only human and I have my own strengths and weaknesses.  I often consider my brain to be my greatest strength but right now, it’s getting the better of me.