#816: Escape



Depression is a bugger.   I’m a fighter but even a fighter can’t keep it up all the time.  We all have our struggles.  Mine are usually against myself.

Can’t write.  No words.  No interest in words.  No fresh ideas.  Nothing worth putting down on paper.

So much to do.  No energy to do any of it.

Talked to someone for a bit.  Felt better for a bit.  Wrote something for a bit.  But it was temporary at best.

The couch called.  And them something interesting happened.  I ran across a Youtube video.

“I could use this bit for the Sausagefest countdown this summer,” I thought.  It’s usually best to get the idea down right away before I forget it.

I went to my work station, downloaded some audio clips, recorded some dialogue and started editing.  Had something to eat.  Came back to it.  Tinkered and tweaked.  Listened back.  It’s good; it’s funny.  It just needs some more originality.  Went back at it the next morning and finished it to my satisfaction.  Then I started work on the next one.

In my mind, it was already July.  I closed my eyes and imagined my fellow Festers’ reactions to the bits I was recording.  I was blissfully unaware of the snow coming down outside.  There was no slush on my sidewalks.  Just sun and Sausagefest.  Eyes closed, I pictured the scene.  When are they laughing?  When is the bit dragging?  Tweak and tinker some more.

I managed to escape, if only for a little while.

Escaping to the summer.  To the happy place.  Not just escaping though, but also working on making the 2020 event happen.  An escape, but a productive escape at least.

Paint on my cruel or happy face,
I hide me behind it,
It takes me inside another place,
Where no one can find it.

Escape, I get out when I can,
I escape anytime I can,
It’s all escape, I’m crying in my beer,
Come on, let’s escape, just get me out of here.

Don’t get me wrong, don’t get me right,
I’m not like you are,
When I get home from work at night,
I’m blacker and bluer.

So I escape, I get out when I can,
I escape anytime I can,
It’s all escape, I’m crying in my beer,
Escape, just get me out of here.

But where am I running to?
There’s no place to go.
Just put on my make-up,
And get me to the show, yeah, escape.
Yeah, what are you waiting for?

My doctor said, just come around,
And you’ll be taken care of,
And while he ran my problems down,
I stole his mascara.

That’s how I escape, I get out when I can,
I escape anyway I can,
I escape, I’m crying in my beer,
Let’s escape, just get me out of here,
Escape, let’s get out while we can,
It’s escape, anyway we can,
Come on, let’s escape,
Nobody wants us around here anyway.


  1. I wish I had a place left to escape to, sometimes I just feel like running away completely to somewhere I’ve never been. Life is a hellish facade, and I don’t think any of the good things in life were meant for me. Never felt at home in this crazy world we live in today. I see different types of folks having such good times in different ways, and what I’d give to have fun with any of them. Basic experiences that people take for granted, and talk about like they’re so easy to attain. It just hurts like hell being on the outside all of the time while everyone else is laughing.

    I’ve never been especially close to anyone. Everyone once in a while the boys and I have a decent time together, but not as much as we should. Even though I have them, I don’t feel like I deserve them.

    Alas, I tread on through life and problems, alone as I’ve always been, thinking that I don’t really belong here, sometimes wishing that I’d never existed. I feel as though my family would be better off that way, even if they won’t admit it. I’m not particularly close to any of them.

    I wonder how much of my failure at communication is subconscious self-sabotage as a result of my hatred and disgust with myself. People say that everyone is worthy of love, it makes me sick. Because I know that there’s nothing worth loving about me, and it’s my fault. I don’t blame anyone or society for not fitting in, it’s my own deal for being a defective human being. I just wish that one person on this Earth loved me, but I don’t know if I could take that. 2019 was just the year that kept kicking me, and I took it. Was it my penance? Do I deserve to be abused? Probably.

    Man she broke my heart bad, and I didn’t even realize it. Tried to lie to myself, but she was something special and I blew it by being myself. Because I’m awful. It’s almost been a year now, and it still stings. But that’s hardly any of it, definitely not her fault. It was probably for the best anyway. Funny, we were old friends before. She looked like she felt so sorry for me, and that’s what hurt worst. I hope Valentine’s Day isn’t too bad. That’s when it started. At least my situation with her. The feeling like extra shit started on Christmas 2018, unrelated to her.

    Well, I’m going to bed. I gotta get up early to go to the bank tomorrow. Such is adult life, mundane trips and soulless movements.

    Harrison! Enjoy being young and full of energy my friend. Have fun with your youth before it slips away.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t believe that you’re awful or unworthy. I don’t think any of that stuff. But not all of us fit in or were meant to fit. I’m not. I don’t really fit anywhere. I have to adjust and reshape myself to fit in anywhere.

      Anyway you’re not alone, even if they people you might fit with are a thousand miles away.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. A guy like Mike doesn’t deserve depression. He’s just so strong, nice, caring, and he fucking rocks. I wish I could take that pain for him. I do deserve it. LeBrains followers will never leave him.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks buddy. Just the fact that you want to do something touches my cold heart. Also I forgot, whenever one of these things intersects with a Boingo song, I have to share. So here you go, The Escape Song.


  2. Yikes, people. My medicine has always been sleep. If there is absolutely nothing else, sleep helps. Everything feels different afterwards. And music has always been a lifesaver. Sending warm thoughts to everyone! Hang in there…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for reminding me, I need to go back to listen to those snippets you sent. Hang in there friend! When the urge comes to write again, we will be here waiting…and the urge will come! Too bad that STP album didn’t inspire anything for you!! :-)

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Don’t even bother with the snippets, everything has changed! LOL! For the better… I like they they give me my list so much earlier now. I can tinker for MONTHS. Every time I find a new bit, I can use it.

      Liked by 1 person

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