#960: Spoilers? [Spoiler-free]

RECORD STORE TALES #960:  Spoilers?

How do you like to enjoy a movie?  Do you prefer to go in stone cold with no spoilers?  Or do you like to be hot with anticipation, awaiting every mega-moment that you have seen leaked on Reddit?

Spoiler alert:  I like spoilers.

Gimme them spoilers!  Movies today are so predictable anyway.  But I have zero tolerance for jagoffs who post this stuff in public.  It’s inconsiderate.  Therefore, this will be a spoiler-free chapter about spoilers.

We’ve all seen the classic Simpsons episode, am I right?  Homer walks out of The Empire Strikes Back, saying aloud, “Who’d have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker’s father!”  Everyone in line was furious at him for revealing the big one.  More recently came a douchebag who spoiled a Harry Potter book for all the faithful waiting in line to buy it.  “Snape kills Dumbledore!” he yelled from the safety of his car as he drove by like a true coward.

I think it’s safe to say that whether you are pro or anti spoiler in your personal lives, nobody likes an asshole like that who goes out of their way to ruin an experience for everybody.  Go back home to mommy’s basement, spoiler-troll.

When we were kids, we never went to see movies in their first weeks.  Our family waited until things had died down a bit.  By then we’d already bought the Marvel Comics adaptations.  The Empire Strikes Back was the last Star Wars movie I saw that wasn’t spoiled.  My dad bought the Marvel comic adaptation while we waited in the lobby.  It was just the two of us.  The big reveal had less an affect on me — I simply assumed Vader was lying, as did most of us kids.  We’d already seen him lie to Lando.   Then, starting with Return of the Jedi, pretty much every Star Wars movie I saw was spoiled in some way.  I discovered this didn’t hamper my enjoyment of the films at all.  In fact it made me want to see them even more, and savour the moments when they came.

Phantom MenaceSpoiled by Lucasfilm themselves, on the soundtrack CD to the movie.  Attack of the Clones?  By this time, Ain’t It Cool News was getting regular clicks.  I just can’t resist the allure of spoilers!  The internet has made it hard to keep a movie secret in any way.

Look at Spiderman: No Way Home.  The film’s not even out yet.  Pretty much everything has already been up on YouTube before Sony could take them down.  (And taking them down, they are!)  So I’ve seen everything.  I’ve seen all the villains.  I’ve seen the end credit scenes (both).  The heroes, the cameos, the big moments.  All filmed on some shitty, shaking cell phone where you can barely hear the dialogue.

My sister has rules about spoilers.  She doesn’t want to know anything that isn’t in the official trailers.  I think that’s a sensible policy.  For her.

These glimpses don’t spoil movies for me.  I still got the shakes, watching the terrible YouTube videos.  My tear ducts got a little wet when I saw…nevermind.  And based on past experience, it’ll happen again when I finally see No Way Home in theaters.  Whenever that will be.

See, that’s currently the problem.  With the latest Covid variants, who knows when I’ll be back in the theaters.  Originally I planned to see Spiderman during Christmas holidays.  Now I’m not so sure.  I have to play it by ear.  My grandmother (age 97) is in the hospital right now, and seeing her is more important than seeing Tom Holland and his new friends on the big screen.

So, yeah, spoil me!  Spoil me rotten — but ask me first.

27 comments

  1. HAN SOLO DIES IN NO WAY HOME!

    I jest, of course. For me, there’s two major things that affect me for this-
    1- I’m impatient. Like really impatient
    2- I’m more invested in the story itself than the visuals.

    So yeah, I can’t get enough of spoilers. I read the plot summary on Wikipedia as soon as I could and I’ve seen most of the shaky cell-phone No Way Home videos. I do draw the line at about two minutes though. Anything over I usually stay away from. Especially if it’s from the big battle. I want at least something to be fresh in the cinema.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Those moments were cool, and I like how they were kinda nonchalant, and not some really epic moment with a huge sweeping score. It kinda came a bit more naturally. The bit I kept going back to, actually, was the final fight between Spider-Man and Green Goblin. That was something completely new and unexpected, seeing Spider-Man fight like that.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s funny you mention Han – there’s an online review game website named Kahoot, where I’ll put together review quizzes that we’ll play as a class on the projector.
          And for the game, students get to make up their own player names. Sure enough, a few years ago, one student’s player nickname was about Harrison Ford’s character not making it.
          So since then, I’ve had to say, stay classy/no spoilers with your nicknames!

          Like

  2. I’m sorry your grandmother is in the hospital and I hope she recovers soon! I’m not sure how I feel about spoilers. But I’ll tell this story that happened during my junior year of high school. I found out the results early of who goes home on ‘American Idol’ (they don’t show ‘American Idol’ in real time in Hawaii cause of the time difference). It turned my favorite contestant got voted off, so I was upset the whole night watching the results show that I already knew who went home!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good news, grandma has made a recovery, but they need to keep her to get her strength back. She hadn’t used her legs in 3 weeks so they need to do lots of physio. Unfortunately she can’t come home for Christmas due to the new variants.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. She can’t come for Christmas? I’m sorry to hear that. I hope she’s being taken care of in the hospital. However, since you said she’s made a recovery, she must be in good hands.

        Like

  3. I wish your grandmother a speedy recovery. I don’t have any opinions on spoilers one way or the other. My frustration is with trailers to war films. They mostly show the combat scenes when in some cases, they are only five minutes of the movie.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I really want to see this movie, but only because of Willem Dafoe. I checked out of the MCU several years ago, but my love of Dafoe as an actor (and his role in the original Spider-Man) has roped me back in for this round of web slinging. I couldn’t care less about spoilers for this particular film, I’m only gonna see it for Dafoe acting like a madman.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That original Spider-Man was violent. Sam Raimi at the camera so it figures. Watch that final fight between Spidey and Green Goblin again. It’s freakin’ brutal!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t go to movies in person, haven’t for years. People piss me off in all the ways. So I watch at home. I don’t tend to get too many spoilers that way, as I just don’t look it up online beforehand.

    I remember going on a double date with our band’s lead singer/tyrant and our girlfriends to see Titanic, way back when. I thought it was terrible but the girls loved it. A whole row of teenage girls in front of us were crying as the lights came back on. Weak. Lol. Anyway, we must’ve seen the early show because I clearly remember walking past the next line of people to get in to see it and our lead singer/tyrant saying, loudly for all to hear, “Man, can you believe the ship DIDN’T SINK??” Lol.

    Like

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