Liam Neeson

GUEST MOVIE REVIEW: Clash of the Titans (2010)

Clash of the Crappy CGI Images, by Dewey Finn

CLASH OF THE TITANS (2010 Warner Bros.)

Directed by Louis Leterrier

I saw this movie theatrically in 3D, which was an awful, headache-inducing experience. Lesson learned: Movies filmed in 3D look great. Movies converted to 3D look like there is a fine layer of mud on the screen. Then I saw it on Blu, during a movie night where my choice (District 9) was voted down.

At least the 2D Blu-ray disc looks better than the 3D. However, that can’t save this movie, which is over-reliant on CG creatures and settings; all action, no pacing, no story, no character, no emotion. Let’s face it, there was never a legitimate reason to remake Clash of the Titans. There was never anything wrong with the original, except perhaps a lil’ too much homage to Star Wars (robotic owls and young men looking to escape the doldrums of their isolated lives).

When this project was first announced, I knew it had the potential to be a disaster. The only thing that could have saved it would have been going deeper back into the original Greek mythology, which the original film used only sparingly. I mean, there was no robotic owl in Greek mythology. But no, this film is even more loosely based on the source material, while continuing to use made-up characters from the original (Calibos), and let’s face it…the script sucks. The CG is hit and miss, with some things looking great and others just awful. The direction leaves something to be desired, and character development isn’t even in this movie’s vocabulary. It’s a shame, because while Sam Worthington does nothing for me, Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes are not too bad. The rest of the performances are like cardboard, with only the odd cameo (Pete Postlethwait’s comes to mind) having any sort of spark.

I do think it it’s funny that we always hear the same argument: “It’s a summer action movie, it doesn’t need a good script.” Why not? You see that same argument in defence of numerous action movies online. Action and script are not mutually exclusive. But it’s your brain cells you’re killing, not mine. And it’s not just just the script in this case. It’s the crappy acting, the generic CG, the fact that it’s an unoriginal remake of a classic movie, etc. Rotten Tomatoes readers have spoken: a 29% rating. Near universal bad reviews everywhere? Action movies don’t have to be stupid. I don’t want to turn my brain off when I’m being entertained. I don’t know about you, but just looking at action on the screen without any sort of raison d’etre puts me in a coma.

Bonus features: Deleted scenes on the Blu-ray are actually better than a lot of the movie itself.

Take a stand against Hollywood remakes. Don’t buy this. Hell, don’t even rent it. Just avoid it. Go get the original. It’s available on a really nice Blu-ray. Burgess Meredith, Sir Lawrence Fuckin’ Olivier, Maggie Smith…and, of course, the brilliant animation of Ray Harryhausen. I met Harryhausen once. This remake was in the works even then, and he didn’t even want to talk about it. He knew it would be not only a disaster, but would tarnish the reputation of the name Clash of the Titans. He was right.

The only way to stop Hollywood from making dumb, brainless remakes is to vote with your wallet. I got chills when I heard this was the first of a trilogy. Lord, no.

No stars!

 

DF

#618: Qui-Gon’s Noble End

GETTING MORE TALE #618: Qui-Gon’s Noble End

The excitement for a new Star Wars movie was never higher than it was in May of 1999.  After all, before Episode I: The Phantom Menace was released, George Lucas could do no wrong.  Sure, sure, he hadn’t actually directed anything since the original Star Wars in 1977.  That only added to the mystique.  He had served as a writer/producer on all three Indiana Jones films, but other than that his credits were not that impressive.  Surely, with George Lucas directing Star Wars again, we’ll get something just like we always wanted, right?

Were we ever naive.

There is one figure that never let us down, and that is composer John Williams.  His soundtracks always had a few key themes that would stick with you forever.  And he was busy through the 80s and 90s, working with his pal Steven Speilberg frequently.  Of course, Williams had to return for the new Star Wars.  There was nobody else who could do it.

The hit single “Duel of the Fates” premiered worldwide before the movie itself.  Hit single?  “Duel of the Fates” had a stunning music video…really, a long kick-ass extended trailer.  It made the rotation on MuchMusic and MTV, for good reason.  Not only was the video a showcase for Darth Maul and our heroes Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn, but the music resonated with people too.  It’s tense track with a choir, which Williams always saves for the most dramatic moments in Star Wars.  It’s fraught with drama and it’s brilliantly composed, and performed by the London Symphony.

The sheer scale of everything Star Wars in May 1999 meant that we would be stocking The Phantom Menace soundtrack front-racked at the Record Store.  That was rare for us.  Previously, we stocked James Horner’s Titanic soundtrack, but that boasted Celine Dion’s massive “My Heart Will Go On”.  In a sense, perhaps “Duel of the Fates” was the “My Heart Will Go On” of Star Wars.  It wasn’t as big but it sure helped put the soundtrack CD on the racks.  There were some incredible themes on the soundtrack, but unfortunately also a lot of music that, to use a phrase of my friend Erik Woods, was just “sonic wallpaper”.

The CD was released on Tuesday, May 4, 1999, in advance of the film.  We received our copies on Friday, June 30.

Of course I was going to buy my copy right then and there, but I couldn’t believe what I saw when I scanned the back cover.  Track 15 caught my eye.

What.  The.  Hell?

“Qui-Gon’s Noble End”.  Everybody knew that Liam Neeson was playing a new Jedi character named Qui-Gon Jinn.  A little after that, another track includes “Qui-Gon’s Funeral”!

Why…the fuck…would you advertise that Liam Neeson is dying in the fucking movie, two weeks before the movie is even out?  Who named these tracks?  Why the hell would you spoil the end of the movie so badly for everyone?

It was baffling.  It’s still baffling.

The track list for Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi has leaked.  I’ve seen it.  There are really no colossal spoilers on it.  You’ll still want to avoid it if you wish to remain completely spoiler free, but at least they’ve learned their lesson about naming tracks.

One of the most anticipated movies of all time was bound to sell more than a handful of soundtracks in advance.  That’s why The Phantom Menace was on our charts!  Every single person who bought that CD knew that Liam Neeson was going to die.

The Phantom Menace came out on May 19.  My sister and I sat there, watching the final duel.  As lightsabers ignited, “Duel of the Fates” began to play.  We both sat wondering exactly when Qui-Gon was going to meet his noble end.  It became obvious when he and Obi-Wan Kenobi were separated by a force field.  Right on cue, Darth Maul impaled him with his red-bladed weapon.

It could have been shocking, but the bigger surprise was that they killed off such a cool villain as Darth Maul after just one movie.  (Yes, I know he was resurrected on Clone Wars, a good TV series.)

As we gear up for The Last Jedi in a few short days, let those who wish to remain spoiler-free do so in peace.  There will hopefully be no Death Star-sized screwups like “Qui-Gon’s Nobel End”!

 

 

Part 209: The Phantom Menace

 

RECORD STORE TALES Part 209:  The Phanton Menace

Some at the record store made fun of me for being such a serious Star Wars fan.  I’m not a hard core fanboy; I don’t go to conventions or follow the books and TV shows, but I am pretty dedicated to the films.  I booked May 19, 1999 off work well in advance to see The Phantom Menace on opening day.

I’m not going to turn this story into a review for Phantom Menace.  That movie’s been reviewed by thousands of people and I’m not interested in contributing to the background noise.  The only thing you need to really agree with me on is that there was a tremendous excitement for Phantom Menace back in 1999.  I had been dreaming of what might happen before and after the Holy Trilogy since I was 5 years old.  My sister was only a baby when the first Star Wars came out, but she did get to see Empire in the theaters.  She is a slightly bigger fan than I am, but she doesn’t follow the expanded universe or any of that stuff.

We both booked the day off work and planned to go together.  Our strategy was this:  Since we knew that the theaters would be absolutely packed for the midnight opening, we picked an out of the way (but still THX) theater that had a noon showing. So, all we had to do was wait an extra 12 hours (at home), and we’d get in no problem!

We showed up at the theater and were, like, seventh in line.  No sweat.  Soon we had our seats in a sparsely seated theater.  Then the trailers (something called Titan AE, which inspired a heckle of “What the hell was that?” from the audience).  Then the Fox fanfare, the Lucasfilm logo and finally…”A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away….”

136 minutes later (we stayed for the credits of course) we were pretty satisfied with the movie.  Keep in mind that fast shit had been whizzing in front of our faces for over two hours.  There were things that didn’t make sense, there were things we didn’t like much (the kid, Jar Jar) but we kept telling ourselves the same thing.

“Yeah, but it’s the first chapter.  The next one will be where it really starts.”

As we were talking about it, I said, “Wanna see it again?  It went so fast there was a ton of stuff I’m sure I missed.”

“Sure!” she answered.  “Yeah!”

We went back out to the ticket counter.  There were a few people in line, but not many.  “Two for Star Wars, please,” I said as I approached the counter.

“Didn’t you just come out of Star Wars?” she said with that snooty tone.

“Yep.  We liked it,” I answered.

“And you want to see it again?”  We did.

We went back in.  The second time lacked a bit of the awe.  This time, I paid more attention to the details.  Questions came to my mind.  “If Yoda is the Jedi Master that instructed Obi-Wan, then why is Liam Neeson training him?”  Stuff like that.

I still remember that on the way home, we stopped at the HMV store, and I bought Ed Hunter by Iron Maiden.  When we got home, we were still excited about the movie, telling Mom and Dad all the details.  My dad was skeptical.

“Does it have the emotion of the first one?  Does it have the feeling?” he inquired.

“Well…no not exactly,” I rationalized.  “This is just the first chapter.  The next one will be where it really starts.”

My dad was onto something.

The hilarious Red Letter Media review

I also distinctly remember watching Phantom Menace again with Tom and a franchise owner, on VHS, shortly after it came out.

In 2005 I first met the girl who would later become my wife, but she had never seen Star Wars.  I was really excited to be the guy that got to watch Star Wars with her for the first time.  For some stupid reason that to this day I will never understand, I decided to start her off with Episode I:  The Phantom Menace.  Bad idea.

“That stupid fucking dino-guy” is what she named Jar-Jar Binks.  She hated it.  (She liked Episode III though.)  Then, her dad (rest his soul) decided that he wanted to see the Star Wars prequels too.  One Saturday night I went over there with my DVD copy of Phanton Menace in hand.  And so it was that Jen had to see Phantom Menace not once, but twice.

We’ll be married five years this August, more awesomer than ever, so “that stupid fucking dino-guy” couldn’t have been all that  bad, right?

NEXT TIME ON RECORD STORE TALES…

LeBrain on the radio!