GETTING MORE TALE #544: Canned Corn
I know a big guy; let’s call him Herbert. Nice guy, big and strong, and usually with the temperament of a kitten.
One morning Herbert had a big gash on his face, but all bandaged up. He had clearly seen some kind of action and got medical attention.
“Holy crap Herbert! What happened to you?” I asked incredulously.
“I had a disagreement with a person,” he deflected.
A “disagreement” with a person? Could you get any more vague?
Eventually, the story got out of what really happened to Herbert’s face.
He was at a Giant Tiger store (a discount department store) and happened to see a young lady shopping that he felt was attractive. He may have made a comment or given a look that the young lady’s boyfriend (much smaller than Herbert) didn’t like. The little guy decided it was a good idea to get in Herbert’s face about it, and tried to lay him out with a punch.
The punch did nothing, and Herbert responded with a return blow that knocked the little guy down in one shot.
Next thing he knew, Herbert was lying on the ground with a bleeding head. The girlfriend nailed him right in the face with a can of corn! Knocked him right out. By the time he came to, the little dude and his girl had taken off. Herbert went and got himself stitched up, with only his ego damaged.
There was also a kid at the Record Store, Matt, who got caught rubbernecking. Three girls were walking out of the store, and he leaned over the counter to get a good look. The last of the three girls turned her head and caught him right in the act.
Lesson here: We do not condone rubbernecking! It’s rude and you’ll get hit in the head with a can of corn. Boys and girls, I know you won’t listen to me, you’re going to look no matter what I say. If you’re gonna steal a glance, at least do it stealthy. Take it from the expert agents down at the CIA on American Dad….
From season 10, episode 17 – “Rubberneckers”
Dick: Rubbernecking is the art of checking out women on the sly.
Jackson: And if you do it right, you’ll never get caught!
McGee: Well, my name’s McGee and soon you’ll see,
If you want to rubberneck just listen to me,
‘Cause a peek don’t hurt,
If you want to scout skirt, you have to be covert,
Listen up, you squirt.
Jackson: Well, my name is Jackson, my techniques the purest,
When I want to scout girls I pretend I’m a tourist.
You look around like you’re super lost,
Hold up a map, now you’re peeking like a boss.
Stan: Yeah! I guess when I’m lost I do look everywhere!
Sanders: My name is Sanders and I don’t lie,
The best way to peek,
Say there’s something in your eye.
Stan: Wow, smooth!
Dick: Well, my name is “tiny” Dick and I have a little trick,
To look at a lady so she don’t think I’m shady.
I pretend that I’m dead and I lie on a gurney,
When the nurses come up, I do the “Weekend At Bernie’s”.
Jackson: Never forget women like to judge,
Go on, give that cattiness a nudge.
Dick: So tell your woman that you hate a girl,
And you can stare while all the hate unfurls.
Stan: Ugh, hey Francine, look at that terrible outfit.
Francine: Yeah, she looks like a hooker…hooker…hooker…hooker…
Sanders: When you want to take a look, hold up a book.
Jackson: A newspaper will do, to look at some boobs.
McGee: I think you’re ready to join the crew.
Everyone: Because you’re rubbernecking with the best,
Rubbernecking with the best.
Because you’re rubbernecking with the best,
Rubbernecking with the best.