By John T. Snow (2Loud2OldMusic)
After the conclusion of the epic Leafs / Bruins game, the television at Deke’s Palace switched over to Breaking News. This caused our heroes Tee Bone Man and Superdekes to perk up from their drunken scotch stupor. As he rose, Tee Bone Man said, “I hope this isn’t something we need to be involved in, because I feel like crap”. Superdekes responded “And you look like it too!” Which caused Tee Bone Man to throw his empty bottle of scotch, just missing Superdekes’ head and shattering against the basement wall.
The announcer spoke. ”Reports are coming in from around the world of robberies of famous music memorabilia, and all by an army of Demons that call themselves Knights in Satan’s Service, and yes: they look like the members of the band Kiss. The army has absconded with Eddie Van Halen’s Frankenstrat guitar, ZZ Top’s 1933 Ford Coupe, the Wu Tang Clan’s Once Upon a Time in Shaolin album, and even Madonna’s wedding dress from her MTV Music Awards performance, to name only a handful of what has been stolen.”
Superdekes laughed, “Who the hell would want Madonna’s wedding dress?”
Meanwhile in Hell, Satan was prancing around in Madonna’s wedding dress when one of his evil minions stormed into his office. The minion’s jaw dropped open slamming to the floor with a thunderous thud and before he could recover, Satan turned around. If he turned a shade a red from embarrassment we will never know due to the fact he was already red to begin with. He screamed with anger, ”Do you not know how to knock?” and with one fell swoop of his hand, the minion was incinerated. He slammed the door shut, took off his dress and put it back with his ever-growing memorabilia collection. He stashed it right next to his autograph of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, which were his prized possessions up to this point.
But there was still an empty spot, and it burned at him through the back of his mind. A special spot for the one piece that he hadn’t yet collected, and for him, it was going to be his new prized possession…after he stole it of course! It was an item by a musician that was almost as evil as he was, almost as self-absorbed as he was, and almost as beautiful as was…nah…I made that last part up. The prize was from none other than Gene Simmons of Kiss, and it was his most precious new collectible…The Super Duper Vault. At over 2 storeys tall, it came with a life size robot of Gene, a pack of Kiss Kondoms, one black diamond, a useless coin with Gene’s picture engraved in it, a book with mostly pictures since his fans generally can’t read, as well as 666 CDs of unreleased music. There is only one in the world and it cost over $10,000,000. Only one person owns it and he is known only as “The Snowman”.
Satan called forth his demon army, Knights in Satan’s Service. “Set forth upon the Earth and bring me back The Super Duper Vault at once. Go to Charlotte, North Carolina and find this ‘Snowman’ character, and bring me The Super Duper Vault. Kill him if you must as we have ‘nothing to lose’.” With a few grunts and ack-ack’s, the demons were off!
Back in Charlotte, the Snowman was putting the finishing touches on his Super Duper Vault display. He had to buy the house next door and gut it by removing the 2nd floor just so it would fit inside. Of course, he had to first remove the roof, place the Super Duper Vault in the house with a crane and put the roof back on top. But when you have crazy money and are stupid enough to spend $10,000,000 on noise, anything is possible. Including his security system…a horde of actual living snowmen that surround the house, lightsabers in tow, ready to protect the precious Super Duper Vault. Yes, when you have this much money you can make actual working lightsabers which had the stamp of approval from George Lucas himself.
As the Snowman exited the 2nd house, the sun seemed to disappear! Smoke began rising from all around and plumes of flames were shooting out randomly. The snowman army quickly went on alert. The smoke turned in to a purple haze, and out stepped Satan’s demon agents, led by an effeminate guy with a purple aura around him that made him look like Paul Stanley from Kiss. Except he didn’t have a star over his right eye, this one had a pentagram. He was wearing black leather pants and a dark sweater….no, wait, that’s just his chest hair! He looked at the Snowman and his pathetic snowman army and laughed. The demon said…”We’re gonna get this place…Hotter Than Hell”! With that, the temperature started rising. The snowman brigade started melting!
The Snowman scratched his head and said…”maybe an army of snowmen wasn’t the smartest thing in the world.”
Demon Paul turned to the Snowman and asked “Has anyone told you that you look like Richard Dreyfuss?” The Snowman replied, “No, no one has ever told me that before.” The Snowman was a silver fox with a stylish trimmed beard just like Dreyfuss. He had more money than brains (unlike Dreyfuss who had equal amounts of both). He always wasted his money and trivial things like over-sized collectibles.
He immediately flipped open his cellphone and dialed the emergency number to a couple of dudes he thought might be able to help. Tee Bone Man and Superdekes! He spoke into the phone urgently. “Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, please come quickly! The Knights in Satan’s Service have arrived and are trying to take my Super Duper Vault”.
After a short pause, Superdekes responded! “Dude, don’t you have a security system to protect it? We’re busy drinking.” He took another swig of scotch.
The Snowman answered, “Yes, I had an army of snowmen, but the demons melted them.”
Superdekes shook his head and mumbled, ”Man, what an idiot,” before responding. “Okay, we will be right there. I’ll jump on my flying motorcycle and Tee Bone Man will just fly,” He said with a note of jealousy. “Hang tight.” The flying thing was still sticking in Superdekes’ craw apparently.
The demon army stepped further into the light. There was a real evil looking one that carried an axe and his aura was red and went by the name Demon Gene. He was dressed in body armor that was extremely dented, and sported a pair of bat wings. There was a feline one that had a couple of small drum sticks and had a green aura. Demon Peter’s feline face was way more vicious looking, with actual whiskers, a tail and a trail of blood seeping from his lips. There were two with a blue aura, Demon Ace and Demon Tommy. The first of the two walked through the smoke with a cockiness that was somehow so cool. The second just mimicked his every move, but not cool at all. They were wearing blue and silver outfits that looked like an almost extraterrestrial material. It did not look man made. Both carried rocket-shooting guitars. Finally, there was a guy with what looked like a golden cross over his face, and he wielded a guitar too. Demon Vinnie kept stepping in front of everybody like he was supposed to be in charge. Together, they were a sight like no one had ever seen before on this Earth.
The demon army advanced shooting rockets from the guitars and the Demon Gene shot fire from his ass. The Snowman grabbed his own lightsaber and deflected many of the shots coming from the demon horde. Luckily, within minutes of making the call, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes had arrived and they arrived in style. Tee Bone Man had his superhero suit on and his VH logo mask. He also had a vintage Gibson strapped across his back.
Tee Bone Man came flying down and knocked the legs out from under Demon Paul. The demon got up and screamed “Okay, now you’ve done it, I will have to pull out my Love Gun”. And with that, Tee Bone Man whipped out his own gun, which was his guitar, and played a killer riff that laid to waste the Demon Paul. Purple goo oozed from every orifice, and he melted into the Earth.
Only a half second behind Tee Bone Man was his trusty sidekick, Superdekes sporting a brand new Envy of None T-Shirt and blue jeans. Superdekes’ motorcycle ran over the Demon Peter and squashed him like a bug. But he got up and laughed it off…”Stupid human, I have 9 lives”.
Before Superdekes could respond, a burst of flames were shot at him from the Demon Gene. Superdekes fell backwards and tripped over a randomly placed log. He picked up the log and threw it at the Demon Gene right when he was about to shoot another burst of flames from his ass. The log crashed right into his butt and clogged that hole and as a result, Demon Gene exploded into a million tiny demon pieces. Superdekes did a superhero pose and said “I guess I put my log in your fireplace” as Tee Bone Man turned around and jokingly said “Burn Bitch Burn”. The Snowman just shook his head and gave a massive groan.
The attack intensified! The Vinnie demon with the cross looking thing on his face stepped forward and played a wailing solo on his guitar, which shot rockets at Tee Bone Man, just barely missing him. Tee Bone Man whipped his own guitar around, and gave it right back to him and then some! Demon Vinnie fell backwards, and then both Demon Ace and Demon Tommy jumped forward and ripped solos that sent bolts of lightning through the Snowman. He flew through the air, crashing into his house (the first one). He got up and said, “Man, those idiots just shocked me!” Tee Bone Man started playing his favourite solo, “Eruption”, but he was rudely interrupted by Demon Vinnie again. Tee Bone Man screamed, “So, you want to do another solo, huh! Well not here pal!” A rocket shot from his guitar, blowing up the cross-faced demon, slaughtering him once and for all.
Seconds later, Demon Peter went in for Superdekes and the Snowman. Snowman threw Superdekes a laser pointer! Superdekes screamed “What the Hell?”. The Snowman yelled, “Point it in front of him. It will distract him.” And sure enough, Demon Peter froze, saw the light and pounced on it. Without hesitation, Superdekes moved it swiftly to the left…Demon Peter followed instinctively. He moved it to the right and the same thing. He moved it up, down, zigzag and really fast back and forth. Sure enough, Demon Peter chased after it stupidly. Snowman grabbed a can of CatNip and poured it all over the ground. Superdekes led Demon Peter straight to the CatNip. Demon Peter smelled it, jumped in it, rolled around and suddenly started purring. He was so high at this point. The Snowman went over and scratched Demon Peter behind the ears and the Giant Demon cat rubbed up against him and rolled over for his belly to be rubbed. Superdekes and The Snowman tamed the wild beast.
There were only two demons left now: Demon Ace and Demon Tommy. They were trading solos back and forth with Tee Bone Man, each firing rockets and lasers at each other. The Ace demon would play a riff with so much feel, impressing the hell out of Tee Bone Man. The other would try and copy him, but it was always too technical, lacking in heart and soul. Suddenly, Demon Ace turned towards Demon Tommy. Looking extremely annoyed, he blasted Demon Tommy for constantly copying everything he did. He said, “There can be only one! And that is the original.”
Tee Bone Man looked puzzled, but kept on pummelling Demon Ace with his solos. Fingers flew faster and faster, and then Demon Ace started to look weary and tired. The scotch-powered Tee Bone Man was smiling, laughing, and having the time of his life. Finally the last remaining demon’s fingers started smoking, and he spontaneously ignited and dissolved into ashes right in front of them all.
Tee Bone Man exhaled, put down his guitar and said, “Man, now I could use a bottle of scotch!”
The Snowman replied, “I’m sorry. All I have is some Cold Gin.”.
Superdekes smiled and said, “Man, what an idiot.”
The three were suddenly startled by a massive explosion! From the smoke, Satan himself appeared. He froze as he saw Tee Bone Man and Superdekes standing there ready to fight. “Woah, Woah! Hold on there guys. I’m not going to hurt you.”
Superdekes asked “Then why are you here…do you want another autograph?”
“No, No. Nothing like that”, Satan explained. “I am only here to plea with the Snowman, to let me listen to the music. It is not fair you are the only one that can hear it.”
The Snowman smiled, “Sure man! C’mon on in and let’s crank this mother.”
Tee Bone stood in amazement. “Once again, I have to say it. Why didn’t he just ask first?” He shook his head. Satan’s gonna Satan.
Emerging from his second house with a CD player, and disc 1 of 666, the Snowman plugged in and pressed play. He and Satan sat listening in strange silence. Some unreadable facial expressions raced across Satan’s face, only to disappear as suddenly as they appeared. After two and a half songs, Satan stood up and screamed. “This is pure and utter crap! You can have it all to yourself. I’m outta here!” And just like that Satan was gone!
Everyone laughed. The Snowman thanked both Tee Bone Man and Superdekes for their help. “You’re welcome Snowman, but rethink your security detail next time,” advised Superdekes. He got on his bike, while Tee Bone Man strapped his guitar to his back preparing for flight. But as they were getting ready to leave, Tee Bone Man turned and asked the Snowman, “Has anyone told you that you look like Richard Dreyfuss?”
NEXT TIME: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp!