The Adventures of Tee Bone

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 10: The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER TEN:  THE CASE OF THE LOST IRON MAIDEN SOCKS

 

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes pulled into the garage of Deke’s Palace having just seen Iron Maiden in Toronto.

“Wicked concert eh pal?” said Deke to his best friend.

“Best concert yet man!” answered Tee Bone Man.

“When Dickinson shot those flamethrowers from his hands in ‘Flight of Icarus’, I did not see that coming,” responded Superdekes.

“And how about those Maiden socks that I bought at the concession stand?” asked Tee Bone. “Best part of the trip in my opinion!”

Deke laughed. “Yeah man! Glad you got them.  Remember that bald guy we met at the concession stands, Aaron?”

“Yeah!  The tall guy from Owen Sound with the deep voice,” recalled Tee Bone.

“He said something about not buying merch from that one vendor, but I don’t know why.  He had the best prices at the concert,” said Deke.  “Must be a Southern Ontario thing.”

Tee Bone nodded in agreement.

The pair began unpacking their bags. Tee Bone found his precious Iron Maiden socks, and held them up to get a good look. Eddie’s eyes gleamed in red thread.  Tee Bone smiled a wide smile. “Best socks ever!” he said to Dekes. Deke shrugged. Whatever made him happy! Tee Bone sat down, removed his shoes and socks, and put on his new Maiden pair. “Ahhhh!” he moaned in comfort as he stretched his feet out in front of him. “So comfortable!”

“It is hard to find good socks in Thunder Bay. Hey, I got an idea,” said Superdekes trying to change the subject. “How about some Scotch on the rocks?”

“That sounds like an excellent idea!” Tee Bone exclaimed in response. And so their night had just begun, for no-one could tie one on like Tee Bone and Superdekes. As usual the evening began with a clink of glasses and ended with two blacked out adult men, passed out in the basement of Deke’s Palace.

 

 


 

Morning.

With a gaping wide yawn, Tee Bone Man awoke from his alcohol induced slumber.  He opened his eyes and looked around him.  There was his best friend Deke on the airchair, sleeping with his glasses still on his face.  Next to him on the end table was an empty bottle of Scotch (the good stuff) and several empty glasses.  Tee Bone blinked and rubbed his eyes trying to get them to focus.  Man, he got hammered last night.

Tee Bone checked to make sure all his limbs were still intact.  Fingers and toes were functional.  As he slowly gained awareness, he realized his feet were cold.  He looked at his bare feet and…bare feet?  Where did his precious Maiden socks go?

He ran over to the armchair.  “Deke!  Deke!” he shook his friend awake.  Deke slowly opened his eyes and focused on his friend.  “What?  What?  Jeez man what is it?”

“My socks are gone!” answered Tee Bone in panicked haste.  “They were on my feet and now they’re not!”

“Easy man, easy.  Just put on the other pair you were wearing yesterday, I’m sure they’re still OK, you didn’t party in that pair.”

“No no!” yelled Tee Bone.  “We have to find my preciouses!” he proclaimed.  “They’re around here somewhere!”

“They’ll turn up!” reasoned Deke.  “We didn’t go anywhere last night.  Now chill.  Let’s make some eggs.”

“No eggs!” yelled Tee Bone,  “Not until we find my precious socks!  No other socks will go on my feet until they are found!”

“You OK buddy?” asked Deke.  “I haven’t seen you this, errr, agitated since before you took your vacation at camp.”

“What vacation?  I didn’t take a vacation I went squirrel hunting,” said Tee Bone to a very confused Deke.  “No time to waste.  Now we’re hunting socks.  Let’s go Deke.  Up up up.”

“Fine!” said Deke as his got out of the armchair with a groan, “We’ll find your damn socks.”

“My precious socks!” corrected Tee Bone.

The pair began an organized search, room by room, starting with the main lounge.  Then the washrooms, kitchen, and garage.

Tee Bone made his way to Deke’s flying motorcycle.  He began inspecting the side compartments.

“Woah buddy, careful there!” cautioned Deke.  “You know I keep some pretty powerful gadgets on my bike.  Careful how you dig.”

Tee Bone ignored him and kept digging.

“Buddy, why are you digging through my bike’s storage compartments anyway?  Your socks are not in there.”

“How do I know you didn’t take them?  How do I know you didn’t hide them here?” mumbled an increasingly unhinged Tee Bone Man as he continued his thorough search of Deke’s bike.

Deke breathed calmly before he spoke.  “Buddy…pal…you know I didn’t take your socks.  If I needed Iron Maiden socks that badly, I’m sure I can buy some on eBay.  Now let’s go check the record shelves.  You know how you sometimes like to throw your socks off when you’re dancing at a party.  Maybe you did that.”

“NO!” shouted Tee Bone.  Deke was surprised to see his friend’s eyes were lit up like the eyes of Eddie himself.  Something was clearly infecting the mind of Tee Bone.  Deke maintained his calm and just analyzed the situation.  He had already been alarmed when Tee Bone kept calling the socks his “precious”.  That was frighteningly too similar to a movie they once saw several years back.  Could the socks be possessing the mind of his friend like that movie he couldn’t remember the name of?  It had some little guys and some regular sized guys and a wizard with a big grey hat.

Deke came up with a strategy.  “OK pal.  No problem.  Let me help you search the garage.”

“Fine” harrumphed Tee Bone Man, now hunched over the bike like a grotesque malformed goblin, picking the bones of a dead animal.

Deke cautiously walked over to his weapons shelf.  He carefully picked up a gun-shaped device and aimed at his friend.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he pulled the trigger.


Evening.

Tee Bone Man awoke once more, but with a raging headache that rivalled every Scotch he ever consumed.  He blinked his eyes open, but his vision was totally blurred.  He could vaguely make out two figures standing over him.

“Sorry I had to stun ya pal,” said the voice of Deke before him.  “It had to be done.  You’re all good now.  It doesn’t feel so good, but you’re gonna be OK.  We found your socks.”

“We?” asked Tee Bone Man.

“Hey bro!” said a new voice from a blurred form coming into view.

“Darr??  Is that you?” asked Tee Bone of his brother.

“Yeah, it’s me man!” answered the handsome young Darr.  “You guys invited me over for some Scotch last night remember?  Boy did you get ripped, man.  You and Deke both!  Especially Deke!  I had to get back home, but I took the initiative to clean up a bit for you before I left.”

Deke continued the story.  “Those Iron Maiden socks you bought?  Cursed, man.  That’s why they were on sale at the one concession stand that had no lineup.  All their items are possessed.  That’s the catch.  That Aaron guy tried to warn us, but we didn’t listen.  Whoops.”

Tee Bone shook his head.  “That’s right, my socks.  I…don’t feel the need for them anymore.  But this morning…all I could think about were my Maiden socks.  They were definitely missing.  I remember that much.  That’s what I don’t understand.  Where did they go?”

Darr picked up the story.  “Laundry, man!  Deke was already completely blacked out.  Don’t you remember?  It was you and me with Deke in the armchair, and you were all like, ‘Hey everybody watch me do this Open Door Piss!’  And you dribbled all over the floor and your socks.  So I took them up to the laundry.”

Tee Bone had no memory of any of this!  “But where are the socks right now, and why am I not crazy for them at the moment?”

Deke smiled.  “Darr came over this morning to check up on us, and he told me where they were.  As soon as I found them in the dryer, I burned them in the fires of Mount Deke.”

Mount Deke was the name of their firepit out back of course, so named because of the unusually large chimney.

“Wow…thanks guys.  What would have happened to me if you didn’t destroy the socks??”

“Well, we’re not sure exactly,” answered Darr.  “Deke had a theory that you might have transformed into a little grey creature, always obsessing over the power the socks had over you.  Forever.”  Deke nodded in somber agreement.

“The lesson here is never buy discount socks!” summed up Deke.

The three laughed together in relieved comradery.  Darr had saved the day and his brother, and maybe Tee Bone would have to write a song, an ode to Darr, for him one day….

The end

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 9: Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

By Harrison Kopp

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER NINE:  CASTLE COMMUNICATIONS

 

Lucifer Satan Diablo Apollyon Morningstar was not a happy chappy. The Lord of Hell not only had to eternally endure the knowledge that his finest warriors were vanquished at the hands of Tee Bone Man, Superdekes and The Snowman, but, having finally recovered their remains, was now faced with the task of reanimating the four melted lumps of flesh in front of him back into something resembling fearsome creatures of destruction.

Progress had been incredibly slow. He had never actually considered that the KISS could be defeated and, on top of that, he kept finding shards of ice, wood and trace amounts of metal sticking out whatever orifices he could locate. It had been a couple months now, and he was still unsuccessful. To say he was frustrated would be to first assume that he had any patience whatsoever to begin with.

To add insult to injury, just recently he had been forced to join forces with Tee Bone Man and Superdekes in order to save heavy metal. But things were about to turn around. During his brief time visiting in rock heaven he had been able to weasel some information out of one of its residents. Information that would help him locate two items of immense power. The power, he had heard, to conquer any land in an instant.

 


Meanwhile, in the land of the living, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were enjoying the latest in a series of peaceful weeks back at Deke’s palace. Things had been quiet since their travails across time saving almost the entirety of heavy metal, and the two friends had found themselves with plenty of free time on their hands.

This time had been spent absorbing the multitude of MP3s they had been left by the musicians of rock heaven. Never in their wildest dreams had they ever imagined they’d hear such unique and amazing combinations of musicians.

And the two men had also curiously found themselves rediscovering albums they had previously been familiar with all their lives. As if new life had been breathed into the songs. “Had that guitar fill always been there?” came one notable instance when the duo had first listened to Led Zeppelin’s “The Rover”. And not to mention the time Tee Bone thought to himself “That sounds like one of Deke’s basslines” while listening to “Iron Man”.

And that was only the tip of the iceberg. The duo were very excited to attend the upcoming Iron Maiden concert in Toronto. They’d both seen the band before, but they were both sure this time was going to be like no other.

In short, our heroes had had a very enjoyable month, free from any infernal entanglements, and at this current moment were listening to the much-appreciated Done With Mirrors.

Then came a sound that was definitely not on the original Done With Mirrors, for it was the sound of the T-Phone. This particular baritone ringtone meant that the call was coming from Harrison “El Moustachio” Holden, the hero of Australia who joined the duo on their battle through Hell to save the world from Satanic earthquakes. Tee Bone, expecting the worst, put the receiver to his ear and answered.

“Hey guys! How’ve you been?”, the Australian’s voice rang out. “Actually, save that for when you get here. I’ve got some great news for you. We’ve got a CD and record fair running here tomorrow. If you’re still looking for that Albert Productions Highway to Hell this’ll probably be your best chance to get it”.

Tee Bone turned to Deke, who was already up and packing.

“We’ll be there. Keep a roo warm for us”

The Australian laughed.

“You’ll have our finest steeds awaiting upon your arrival”

 

24 hours later Tee Bone and Deke were across the world, surrounded by vinyl, facial hair and smiling faces. Their trip was already a smashing success. Not only had they found the Albert Productions Highway to Hell they were after, but they had also found first edition printings of the other Bon Scott albums. Deke was suitably chuffed.

The Australian, meanwhile, had scored an Australian tour edition of Blaze Bayley’s Tenth Dimension album. While he prided himself on his knowledge of the British baritone, he never knew Blaze came down here. But the disc title didn’t lie.

But what Tee Bone had in his hands now was rarer and more interesting than all of those put together. And, as it would turn out, far more dangerous.

“Hey, come take a look at this”, Tee Bone said, holding an album with an image of a demonic flaming skull on it. The other two men came over. The record in question was old- very old- and had no track titles. As Tee Bone handled it in his hands the fire seemed to flicker with the movement of the album cover.

This was no ordinary record, and they knew it. A cold wind blew through the building. Harrison had a bad feeling about this. His moustache senses were tingling.

And for good reason. Out of nowhere, the windows and doors of the building crashed open, as a variety of fiends and parademons poured in. One made a beeline straight for Deke, snatching the demonic record out of his hands and attempting to fly away with it. This plan was foiled, however, by a whistling, razor-sharp moustache-shaped boomerang courtesy of one particular Australian in the room.

Seeing the record fall from the dead demon’s hands, Deke dived forward, catching it in mid-air and landing with a crash behind a display of LPs. Emerging shortly after, demonic record in hand, Deke joined Tee Bone and Harrison in repelling the unwanted guests. While these fiends were far from the threat the KISS were, there was a lot of them and only three of our heroes.

Things were starting to look dire. Tee Bone hadn’t brought his guitar and Deke’s bike and gear were in the parking lot. El Moustachio’s razor-moustache was powerful, but it could only do so much. There was only one option left, but it was a cardinal sin of the highest order for the two music lovers.

The two men looked at each other. Tee Bone nodded grimly. Deke nodded back, grabbing a crate of records, and setting it down between them. Tee Bone started sifting through them.

Technical Ecstasy?”, Tee Bone asked, looking at the first album.

“Toss it”, came Deke’s quick reply.

Pulling the record out, Tee Bone mustered all the super strength he had and hurled the record like a frisbee, cutting the nearest fiend’s head clean off. He immediately turned back to Deke, who had the next album in hand.

Ram it Down?”, Deke asked.

“No objections”, said Tee Bone, already in the process of hurling it at the nearest demon.

Of course, the pair didn’t agree on everything. One album in particular caused a bit of an argument.

“Don’t you dare”, said Tee Bone

“Christ, Tee it’s rubbish”, came Deke’s impatient rebuttal.

“But it’s got Tommy Thayer on it”, Tee Bone insisted.

“On backing vocals”, Deke countered.

“And Tom Allom produced it”, Tee Bone continued.

Running out of patience, Deke snatched it out of the crate and threw it before Tee Bone could object further. It found its mark, lodged in the skull of a now-dead demon. Tee Bone huffily returned to sifting through the records.

And then there was the curious case of Chinese Democracy, which spun furiously as it went, but only moved forward through the air at a snail’s pace.

 

 

Nevertheless, with the added ammunition the tide began to turn, and eventually every one of the denizens of Hell that had entered the building lay in pieces on the floor. All except for one. This particularly crafty parademon had bided its time the entire fight and, while Tee Bone and Deke were distracted with the crate of records, had swooped in, snatched the demonic record and made itself scarce before he could be subject to the business end of an LP.

As the dust settled, Tee Bone looked around for the demonic record before realising what had happened.

“Blast it! One of them got away with the strange record.”

Deke smiled.

“On the contrary” he said, pulling out a red-sleeved LP with a picture of a band on the front. “They only got the demonic record’s sleeve. I switched the LPs when I was down behind the tables after that diving catch”.

Tee Bone’s demeanour changed immediately, as hearty guffaws came out of his mouth.

“You legend you. Oh, Satan’s going to love that” He said, in between laughs and breaths for air.


Satan did not, in fact, love that. The ‘music’ that now pierced his ears elicited a string of expletives so foul that if we translated them from their original Infernal for you, they’d turn this page black and burned.

Ripping the record from his ornate turntable, he turned to the demon in the room with him.

“What about the fiends at the castle?”

The demon did not look enthused at having to answer that question. But he did, with a series of negatory grunts.

Satan swore some more. And then a bit more, just for good measure.

“Throw this piece of crap in the first volcano you find!” He yelled, referring, of course, to the LP in his hands. The demon moved to grab it.

Then Satan had a most diabolical thought.

“Actually, give it to the guys in HR. I think this will make fine listening for the tortured souls I preside over.”

The demon obliged, backing out of the room in a bow so low it was a miracle he got out the door on the first try. Satan then stalked over to the cabinet containing Alexander Graham Bell’s prototype telephone. It had been magically connected to the other circles of Hell, and so he only had to speak into the receiver to connect to his desired recipient.

“Baal!”, he spoke, audibly frustrated.

“Hey Lucy. What’s up?”, came Baal’s reply.

Overlooking the mild vexing he had just received, Satan got straight to business.

“I need to redeem that favour you owe me for getting you out of that mess in Bulgaria.

“Negated by that time I got you out of that spat with that Ed fellow, mate”

“Oh, come on, I had him. Besides you still owe me for that business on Cato Nemoidia as well”

“That doesn’t count, remember? It was overruled by the Devil Council.”

Satan was running out of curses to utter.

“Well, in that case, allow me to owe you one. I need a favour”

“Will have to be two, mate. Your repayment rate’s pretty low, so your exchange rate for favours is two owed for every one gained”

Satan got so mad that his skin colour actually changed saturation slightly.

“Fine”, he growled. “The Knights in Satan’s Service are out of action, and I need some replacements to send on a retrieval mission”

“Oh yes, of course. I can absolutely get you some replacement knights”, Baal jovially responded “They’ll be there within the hour”

Hearing enough, Satan cut the line and began to sulk. He mused to himself that things had better start to go his way. If these inconveniences continued to pile up, he might get mad.

 


Back in Australia, Tee Bone and Deke were helping the attendees of the CD and record fair clean up and patch their wounds while Harrison researched the curious LP in front of him. It had taken a lot of digging, but he finally had something from a source that was at least vaguely credible.

“Hey, sounds like we’ve got something really dangerous on our hands here guys” he said. Listen to this.”

He began to read from his phone.

Despite his military prowess and thirst for conquest, the vampiric Count Infernus faced the problem of transporting his armies as readily as he himself could. To counteract this he forged this record, and a number of medieval record players, using dark magic from realms beyond.”

 Tee Bone and Deke looked at each other. They didn’t remember dropping any blueprints for a turntable in the dark ages during their jaunt through time. Harrison continued.

“The Infernum record, as it has come to be known, is the earliest known LP in existence. It holds the screams of the damned, and by playing the record on one of his players he could instantly summon his armies directly from Hell to wherever he was”

“Infernus placed these record players in his strongholds around the world and took the Infernum record with him wherever he went. His terror reigned supreme, until a gathering of heroes from around the world managed to fell him.”

 “While the majority of Infernus’s record players were also destroyed in the following years, the one in his Romanian stronghold remained unlocated, and the Infernum record has since been lost to time.”

This was not good news. Tee Bone knew exactly why Satan’s demons were here, and he could bet where they were going next. Deke was on exactly the same wavelength.

“Looks like we’re going to Romania” he mused.

“Yep”, Tee Bone confirmed. “But what are we going to do with the Infernum record? It would be foolish to take it with us.”

“I think the safest place for it is in El Moustachio’s hands”, Deke said, nodding to Harrison.

The Australian nodded back and surreptitiously put it in his bag. To anyone in the room it would have seemed like nothing out of the ordinary, and no one would have given it a second glance. But Tee Bone, who was closer, caught a glimpse of the inside of Harrison’s bag. Now he wasn’t completely sure, but he could have sworn he saw some acorns in there.

“I’ll defend it with my life”, El Moustachio avowed.

“Hopefully it won’t come to that” Tee Bone said with a smile, forgetting all about what he had seen. “But we really have to be going now.”

“Of course. Good luck” Harrison replied, with a wave as Deke fired up his motorbike. The two accelerated down the road, before shortly taking flight and disappearing into the atmosphere as Harrison watched on.

With everyone now safe at the CD and record fair, the Australian set off for his house, making sure to double check his bag was still fully zipped up. After all, he didn’t intend to get caught in public with the cover of Bad English sticking out of his bag.

 


If Baal hadn’t already been one of the Lords of the Dead, Satan would have killed him. He’d provided replacement knights for Satan’s service, all right. Actual knights. The four beings that stood before him were mostly just simple men who had found themselves in Hell for their deeds on various Earths. Nothing like the all-powerful humanoids of destruction he had sent to the Snowman’s house.

First there was Nocturn Nuit, the famous French warrior who always struck under the cover of night. Possessing the power of seeing perfectly in the dark, it was quite ironic that he met his end tripping over a raised root and impaling himself on a tree branch.

Then there was the notorious Black Knight. Despite being shaded in a deep purple in his first appearances, this comic-universe villain’s heart as black as the armour he was entirely clad in. A nasty piece of work, it took the combined efforts of the Rainbow Warrior and the White Snake to finally fell him.

Thirdly stood a golden-armoured knight from a dimension of monsters and magic. Or, at least, his armour did. The man’s quest for immortality had resulted in his body fading away as his armour remained together, possessed by a singular will to live on.

And lastly there was Bernard. The poor sod had been mistaken for an intruder and was arrowed to death by his own comrades. And then, to add insult to injury, he’d been mistakenly sent to Hell to pay for crimes he had not even committed.

But Satan did have one secret weapon up his…uh…sleeve. A cavalryman that could lead the sorry bunch before him to victory. At least he’d better lead them to victory, or there’d be Hell to pay.

Satan gave a sharp whistle and the Headless Horseman himself walked through the door, making a pointed effort to stoop for a door beam that he’d clear regardless. Satan, tossing a cage with the man’s head in it to himself, addressed the horse-bound man.

“I need Count Infernus’s record and last surviving record player. Take this pathetic bunch to his castle and get it for me. Succeed and you’ll be one step closer to earning this little thing back”

The Headless Horseman severely doubted that. Satan was fond of “contract extensions” as he liked to put it. But he didn’t really have a choice so, devoid of any other way to indicate assent, he gave Satan a thumbs-up. The Headless Horseman then swiftly turned and led the group out the door, being very sure to make another one-digit gesture towards Satan as he exited.

 


Meanwhile in Romania, Tee Bone and Deke had just landed in the village on the outskirts of Infernum Keep. It was just before midnight now, and Deke hoped they weren’t too late, as they had made a short detour to pick up Tee Bone’s guitar and suit on the way there.

Dismounting the bike, the duo began to make their way through the dilapidated buildings and crooked trees. Every shadow was a deep ebon, and it seemed like every corner could hold a demon. Deke was on edge. Tee Bone kept looking over his shoulder. As they walked, villagers shrank away from them, either in fear or awe.

 

But having passed through the village without incident, our heroes began to climb the hill that led to Count Infernus’s castle. Halfway up a wolf’s howl pierced the silence, and Tee Bone got the feeling they were being watched.

His unease didn’t subside when they reached the castle’s outer gate, finding that it had already been wrenched off its hinges. Tee Bone started to worry. The whole night was alive, but nothing had attacked them yet. He knew something was going to happen sooner or later, but the suspense was killing him.

Tee Bone did not have long to wait though. Mere seconds after the duo had reached the front gate, the sky split open, as eerie purple light bathed the entire world around them. Tee Bone squinted at the chasm in the sky, swearing he could see figures in it.

But they had bigger problems. With the aid of a set of binoculars, Deke had spotted five figures moving towards them at an alarming pace.

“Tee! We’re about to have company!”, he yelled to his left.

Snapping out of his stupor, Tee Bone took the binoculars from Deke and observed four knights and a headless horseman carving a path through the village. There was no doubt what was keeping the villagers indoors now.

“We can’t take them all at once”, Tee Bone flatly stated.

“I agree. We’ll have to lose them in the castle and take them out one by one”, Deke added.

The two men in agreement, they both turned and ran through the grand double doors to Count Infernus’s castle, immediately finding themselves in a large, grand hall.

“I’ll go right, you take left”, Deke said, not taking any time to marvel at their surroundings.

Tee Bone nodded, immediately heeding Deke’s words. Deke himself exited the hall through the second door on the right, finding himself in a stone hallway lacking furnishing. He cautiously continued on into the dim light. After a series of twists and turns he wasn’t sure he had memorised, he found himself in what appeared to be the armoury.

This was the first good news Deke had got since the CD and record fair. Taking a brief moment to consider his options, he selected a fairly lightweight shortsword that fit in well in his hand and continued searching for a good room to make a stand in, or the one that held the ancient record player. He wasn’t too fussed which one it was.

Elsewhere in the castle, Tee Bone was exploring the ornate corridors that made up the second floor. Countless paintings, candles and doors marked the path he had taken to now find himself in the massive castle library. And that wasn’t all he had found. Barely distinguishing itself from the statues around it, the living golden armour silently strode forward and drew its sword.

Deke had also encountered a statue. This one didn’t seem to be moving though. At least, not yet. Deke was also on the second floor now and had found Count Infernus’s personal office. Exquisitely furnished, and full of expensive trinkets, it was a picture of opulence.

But the curious item in the office was the grey statue at the end. Expertly sculpted, there was one thing amiss with it: it’s right hand, the sword hand, was at an odd, unnatural angle, actually breaking up the sculpt. Plus it was missing its sword. Deke knew exactly what this meant so, with no infernal warriors challenging him yet, he began scouring the office for clues.

 

Across the castle Tee Bone was locked in a ferocious battle with the golden armour. Both in possession of superhuman strength, they battered each other’s defences to no avail. But Tee Bone was still fighting a losing battle. His guitar could not survive much longer against the golden knight’s broadsword. He needed a guitar solo to end this quickly. But which one?

Then it hit him. The solo idea, not his opponent’s sword. Jumping backwards, he began to play. Simple, at first, but with each successive string of notes he raised the complexity and the speed. He was, in essence, turning up the heat.

And the armour was feeling it. With every note a flash of lightning shot from Tee Bone’s fingers, striking a point on the armour. And it turns out being comprised entirely of metal plates had its downsides when your opponent was basically casting the heat metal spell.

Mired in place by gloopy, half-melted greaves, The golden armour could only stand and watch helplessly as Tee Bone wound his arm up to strike a massive power cord that sent bits of melted armour splattering all over the walls. The armour was finally no more, but Tee Bone couldn’t rest on his laurels just yet. First, he had to extinguish his fingers, something he achieved shortly after with the liberal application of his powerful lung capacity.

Back in the office Deke had finally found what he was looking for. There were a number of photos on the desk, and the one currently in his hands had an image of some tall vampire lady on it and the words “To remember my visit by. Yours, Alcina”. Ugh. But, crucially, the photo had also been taken in the very room Deke was now in, and it showed the statue with a sword in its hands. What’s more, he had seen that sword before. Back in the armoury.

“Unbelievable”, Deke moaned, trying to remember the route back to the room of weapons.

Tee Bone was not having the best time either. No sooner had he left the library was he challenged by the Black Knight, who jumped down from the third floor, landing with an almighty thud. Tee Bone, tired and in need of a short rest, thought he’d try and stall with some diplomacy.

“C’mon now, you’ve nothing to gain from this. Let’s just save ourselves some trouble”, he said, quickly gathering his strength.

The negotiations were short. The Black Knight didn’t bite.

“Hush! You fool no one. You’re tired and weak. Prepare to face your maker!”, he boomed, drawing a greataxe and advancing on Tee Bone.

“Your funeral”, Tee Bone said, with a shrug. “I might just take your life.”

And he grabbed his guitar, preparing to do exactly that.

Having made it to the armoury without bumping into any knights, Deke went straight to the sword in the picture. It was a notched steel sword with an ebon blade and a cruel, jagged appearance.

Deke picked the sword up, instantly triggering a booby trap that sealed off the door he had used to enter. Fortunately, the architects of the castle had the foresight to engineer multiple ways to get to the weapons room, and Deke quickly found a hidden passage in the floor.

He turned his attention back to the sword in his hand. It was cool to touch, and it seemed like shadows pulsed and ebbed along its surface. There was no doubt that this was the sword he needed.

Wasting no time, he jumped down the trapdoor into the dank cellar. The splash of his landing echoed around the dark room.  He took a few steps forward toward the exit, signified by a light at the end of the tunnel he was in.

While it had initially appeared he was alone, he now knew that was not the case. The light at the end of the tunnel had been partially obscured by the silhouette of a man with a sword. Deke instinctively ducked behind a crate of wine bottles.

“Voux ne pouvez pas te cacher. Je vois tout”, the figure called out.

Emerging from behind the crate, Deke drew his sword and reluctantly engaged Nocturn Nuit.

“En guarde you canard!” he cried.

“Tête de merde”, the French knight muttered under his breath, meeting Deke’s challenge.

The two fought, and Deke immediately noticed a problem: he was not much of a swordsman. Though Deke’s eyes were adjusting to the dim light, the Frenchman knew he still had the advantage and he pressed hard.

But Deke still had his wits about him. Though Nocturn Nuit was anticipating his lunges and ripostes, Deke had something up his sleeve he knew the French knight wouldn’t’ see coming.

Jumping back a few steps, he tossed his sword up to himself, carefully caught the tip of the blade between his fingertips and hurled it dead-straight at Nocturn Nuit’s face. Half a second later the pommel struck the Frenchman straight between the eyes, and he fell to the ground unconscious.

Standing triumphant over his foe, Deke could not resist savouring his victory.

“Night night, night knight”

Chuckling to himself as he ran out of the cellar, he made his way back to the office without further incident, save for a stomach-turning shortcut through the kitchen. With everything he needed at hand, he placed the ebon-bladed sword in the statue’s hand. It settled itself in there like it had always belonged there. He followed this up by turning the statue’s hand back into its natural position. It came to rest with a satisfying click.

This was followed by several other clicks, thunks and grinding sounds that came from inside the statue and the walls of the room. When they had finally finished, an opening in the west side of the room had opened, with Infernus’s last record player sitting on a pedestal inside it.

Deke cautiously approached it. Despite not having not set off any more traps, he was on guard. He reached the pedestal and, keeping an eye on his surroundings, snatched the player and jumped back in one swift move. Nothing happened. Deke waited a few more seconds, and then let out a breath.

But he had no time to waste. The record player needed destroying, and he knew just the perfect way to do it. Hurrying back to the kitchen, he threw the player into a large cauldron of green liquid.

The result was immediate. The liquid inside the cauldron broiled and writhed, hissing as noxious smoke filled the room. The last Deke saw of it as he ran out of the room the contents of the cauldron had now overflowed, setting the room on fire.

 

Back on the second floor, the battle raged on. Tee Bone and the Black Knight were locked in fierce combat. So far Tee Bone had been able to dodge the swings of the knight’s greataxe, but his sonic blasts had been failed to unseat the dark warrior.

But then there was a twist in the tale. An opportunity had just opened up for him. The latest swing of the greataxe found the weapon lodged into one of the statues in the hall and, as the stone leaned on the axe, it was only getting tighter.

Tee Bone took immediate advantage, and fired a sonic blast right into the statue, sending the top half of the Spanish archer crashing down on top of his armoured foe, shattering into pieces as it struck him.

The effect was immediate. The evil knight was sent staggering, with a deep gouge in his chestplate. Wasting no time, Tee Bone followed this up by turning his guitar perpendicular to his body and sending off a fireball right into the Black Knight.

“Burn!”, he yelled triumphantly, as the blast found its mark.

Tee Bone continued his assault, battering the knight with blast after blast, and finally began to wear him down. The dark warrior cried out to his compatriots for help, but no one came. Tee Bone caught a look in the man-demon’s eye that he hadn’t seen yet: fear.

“No no no”, the knight softly spoke.

But it was only for an instant. The Black Knight had found his greataxe among the ruins of the fallen statue and got to his feet. No more than a living wreck by now, he resorted to feral swings in Tee Bone’s general direction.

But these we easy to anticipate, and Tee Bone effortlessly dodged them. This only enraged the Black Knight, who allowed himself to be manoeuvred right next to the railing that overlooked the lower hall.

And it was here that Tee Bone made the difficult decision. This was only ending one way now, and he had to face that fact. It was time to kill. Timing his next sonic blast with the latest swing of the greataxe, he sent the weapon flying skyward. He followed this up with a smashing hit across the Black Knight’s helmet, sending him flying over the railing to his death.

The battle was finally over, but the victory was not without its costs. In his hands Tee Bone now held the neck of his guitar, strings awry, and completely devoid of its head. Weakened by the battle with the golden armour, the final strike against the black knight’s head had shattered the instrument into the countless pieces that now lay at Tee Bone’s feet.

Mournful and fatigued, he tried to take a moment to catch his breath. But this was rudely interrupted by one of the doors behind him being thrown open.

“Now what!?” Tee Bone yelled. Turning to face his next opponent.

But it was only Deke, in a bit of a rush.

“Oh it’s good to see you buddy. What’ve you been up to?”, Tee Bone asked wearily.

“Fought some French knight and found the record player”, he replied between breaths for air.

“And that cloud of green smoke behind you?”, Tee Bone prompted.

“Destroyed the record player, but now there’s a fire in the basement”, Deke continued.

“Then we’re out of here”, Tee Bone confidently stated.

The two heroes turned to the doors in the grand hall that led to the outside world. Or, at least, they would have led there, had the Headless Horseman not been waiting quietly waiting and biding his time in front of them.

“The ramparts then”, Deke quickly said, and the turn men took an about face and headed for the third floor. The Headless Horsemen galloped after them, of course, but Deke was counting on this.

Soon enough, the three men found themselves standing atop the castle’s ramparts. What had once been a castle full of rascals had now been reduced to the elevated trio in question. (Bernard, of course, had wandered off to the village pub half an hour ago).

 

The purple light from earlier had disappeared, along with the crack in the sky that had created it, but in its place the green smoke billowing from the burning castle below them obscured their vision. Well, Tee Bone and Deke’s visions. The Headless Horseman seemed unaffected, charging directly at the two heroes.

Two worn-down and tired heroes who didn’t have the energy or the armaments to take on the speeding cavalryman bearing down on them.

So they did the exact opposite of what anyone expected. They jumped of the edge of the ramparts. Well, perhaps “jumped” isn’t the best word, because moments later Tee Bone was flying away from the burning fortress with Deke in tow holding on to his cape.

And the Headless Horsemen finally realised how he’d been fooled. He spun around to look at the door back to the castle, but it had been completely obscured by the thick smoke all around.

Unable to escape the ramparts without becoming a splattered mess on the ground below, he sat and waited, savouring the brief moments he had spent in the realm of the living before the fires of hell claimed him once more.

Back in the village, Tee Bone let Deke dropped off to recover his bike. He hung in the air for a moment, contemplating.

“What should we do with the Infernum record then?” He asked, thinking of El Moustachio back in Australia.

“Well it’s little more than an old trinket now”, Deke said. “And I think I know just the man who’d appreciate it. But what about your guitar?.”

“Finished”, Tee Bone replied. “I’ll have to do without it for the meantime, while we look for another one.”

And so Deke took a detour on the way back to Thunder Bay, picking up the Infernum record from Australia and dropping it off to a certain Snowman in America. Upon his return to Deke’s Palace, the Scotch flowed liberally as the two friends celebrated their triumph over evil.

And Satan, so thoroughly beaten now, and with no hope of a quick conquest of the Earth, sat and sulked, turning his sights towards other worlds.

 

 

 

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Chapter 8: Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (By 80sMetalMan)

By 80sMetalMan

CHAPTER EIGHT:  TEE BONE & DEKE’S TIME TRAVELLING ADVENTURE

After their much needed vacations, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes returned fresh and ready for their next adventure. However, for five whole days, nothing happened which needed their skills, so they continued to kick back sipping whiskey and listen to great music. While neither of them would actually say so, they were both secretly hoping for another adventure.

Sometime in the afternoon, Superdekes answered the door bell which just happened to be the opening riffs to Rush’s “Limelight,” to a freckled boy who looked about twelve. “At least it wasn’t religious callers,” Superdekes thought to himself. Before he could ask the boy what he wanted, the boy did that for him. “I’m Tee Bone Man’s nephew, Cam. Is my uncle in?”

“Hey, Tee Bone, you have a visitor,” Superdekes called out very loudly. The whiskey might have played a part in that.

Within seconds, Tee Bone Man was at the door. “Oh yes, this is my sister’s son, Cameron or Cam for short.” As he studied his nephew, Tee-Bone Man could tell that something wasn’t right with him. “Come inside,” he ordered.

Once Cam was sat down, made comfortable, given a Twinkie and a glass of coke, Tee-Bone Man began his detective work. “I sense that there is something troubling you so out with it.”

“It’s my music teacher, Mr. Suplee,” Cam began. “He told us that heavy metal wasn’t relevant. That it’s just a genre listened to by a few misfits and weirdos. I told him about you two but he responded that it proved his point about weirdos. When I tried to argue back, he gave me a detention.”

“What for, disagreeing with him?” Tee Bone Man found himself nearly shouting in surprise. “Well, I’ll tell you what. We’re going into your school tomorrow and have a talk with this Mr. Suplee.”

True to their word, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes showed up at Wayne Gretzky Junior High School. Unchallenged, they went into the building and followed Cam’s directions to Mr. Suplee’s room. Mr. Suplee looked all the music teacher, with his bright blue suit and matching bow-tie. He was much shorter and thinner than imagined. Tee Bone Man realised that he could snap this teacher’s neck like a twig but decided to handle things more diplomatically.

“Mr. Suplee, I’m Cameron’s uncle. I’d like to talk to you about something which happened in your music class yesterday.”

The teacher looked at the pair and snarled, “What, he came to you because I said that heavy metal is irrelevant? Well, it is!”

“I’m not going to debate you about that right now, but you gave Cameron a detention for disagreeing with you.”

“No, I gave him a detention for being insolent,” Mr. Suplee spat. Then studying the pair up and down, added, “You must be Tee Bone Man and this must be Superdekes. I heard about your so-called heavy metal exploits. If I had my way, I’d go back in time and kill off all traces of that negative force you call music.”

“What, are you gonna build a time machine or something?” Tee Bone Man sneered.

“Or something,” the teacher returned. “Now, let me alone so I can teach children about proper music.”

Tee Bone Man was now wishing he could test his theory about snapping this fool’s spine. Superdekes could feel the anger building up in his friend, so he beckoned, “There is no point talking to this guy, let’s go.” With that, the two of them walked away but when they were far enough, Tee Bone Man pronounced, “What an asshole.” The teacher might not have heard it but those in the vicinity certainly did.

Thoughts about what an asshole Mr. Suplee was stayed on their minds as Tee Bone Man and Superdekes arrived back at their lair. “I need a whiskey,” Tee Bone Man decided. “I’ll make the whiskey, you go put on an album. Make it Black Sabbath, Paranoid.

With that, he headed for the kitchen. Taking out two large glasses, he filled them almost half-way with Jack Daniels. “We definitely need a strong one,” he said aloud. He filled the remainder of both glasses with water and was about to take the drinks to the living room when Superdekes came into the kitchen looking white as a ghost. “Our records and CDs, they’re all gone,” he stammered through his shock.

“What? You’re kidding!” Tee Bone Man exclaimed in amazement. Without further hesitation, he sped over to where the music collection was kept. The empty shelves confirmed what Superdekes had told him.

From behind, Superdekes questioned, “Could we have been robbed?”

“Impossible,” Tee Bone Man responded sternly, snapping his friend out of his shock. “No one can get into this lair, it’s impregnable.”

“Then what?”

Tee Bone Man scratched his head in deep thought for a moment. Superdekes watched as his friend’s expression suddenly changed. “Holy shit!” Tee Bone Man bellowed. “I think that Suplee asshole might have actually built a time machine and made good on his threat to wipe heavy metal from existence.”

“Oh God!” was all Superdekes could say.

“That can be the only answer,” Tee Bone Man affirmed and then ordered, “Get on the computer, we need to find out.”

Superdekes needed no further prompting as he went straight to the computer and switched it on. The minute it took for the computer to get up and running seemed like an hour but when it was ready, so was Superdekes.

“Do a Google search for Black Sabbath,” Tee Bone Man instructed.

The first hit on the search revealed the answer. According to Wikipedia, Black Sabbath was in the process of recording their first album when one morning, all four band members were found dead of a suspected drugs overdose. That’s what the police report said but the police probably didn’t seemed to bothered because Black Sabbath were considered a bunch of hippy druggies. “They were probably poisoned,” Superdekes indicated.

“Try Led Zeppelin next,” was Tee Bone Man’s next instruction, his anxiety levels rising sharply. Superdekes obeyed. Only this time, the Wikipedia article stated that the band was killed in a fireball explosion at Olympic Studios whilst recording their debut album. Further searches were conducted. Aerosmith was gunned down while playing at a bar in Massachusetts. Rush was killed when the brakes on their van failed causing to go off the road and down a mountain. Deep Purple were killed in a freak fire at their hotel. Alice Cooper was mysteriously shot but there was no mention of KISS. However, when Superdekes entered the real names of the members of KISS, they found that Paul Stanley was run over by a bus, Gene Simmons was killed in a car crash and Ace Frehley allegedly jumped from a 15th story window. However, there was no mention of Peter Criss. What all of the deaths had in common was that they all occurred when the band in question was making or going to make their debut albums.

Their fears had been confirmed. Mr. Suplee had gone back in time and wiped heavy metal from the existence of history. In fact, when Superdekes put heavy metal in a search engine, all that came up was a list of metals.

“We’re going have to find this time machine and go back in time and change history back,” Tee Bone Man stated once his anger was reduced enough.

As Superdekes nodded in agreement, a somewhat familiar voice called out from seemingly out of nowhere, “You won’t need a time machine.  We can help.”

Turning around, they discovered that the voice belonged to none other than Ronnie James Dio and standing there with him was Lemmy, Jeff Hanneman and John Bonham.

It took a minute or two for the heroes to focus but when they finally managed to do so, Tee Bone Man asked, “Are you all real?”

“We’re not of flesh and bone,” Dio explained. “We are spirits. We have come down from Rock and Roll Heaven to aid you.”

“What, a rock and roll heaven?” Superdekes queried in surprise.

“Yes, there is a rock heaven, “John Bonham answered. “I thought you would have guessed it. That was what that 1974 song by the Righteous Brothers was all about.”

As both were taking in this information, Lemmy carried on, “We don’t have time to talk about this now. We need to be getting on so the two of you can save rock history. Satan himself came to me and told me about this man who has travelled back in time to destroy rock history by killing off all the influential bands. You must go back in time and stop him. Now, he may not be acting alone so you must be vigilant.”

“How did Satan get into Rock and Roll Heaven?” Superdekes suddenly asked.

“He’s allowed in when the situation calls for it,” Dio answered, “And right now, the situation calls for it. As for God, he won’t get directly involved but Satan knows hat he has God’s behind the scenes positive nod.”

“And to answer your big question, we all get to make music with Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and any other dead musician you can name,” Lemmy piped in.

“I did sing a nice duet with Janis Joplin,” Dio smirked.

“And I got to play guitar with Lynyrd Skynyrd on “Freebird,” Jeff Hanneman added.

Getting back to the task, Tee Bone Man then asked, “One question, how can we go back in time without a time machine.”

Ronnie James Dio informed, “You must go to Stroud in England. There, you must seek out The Metalman. He’s the greatest rock historian of all time, he will help you. You must succeed, I’ve seen my alternative life and I ended up writing children’s songs.”

“And I ended up working in a fucking factory,” Lemmy spewed in disgust.

Jeff Hanneman suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out a guitar pick, handing it to Tee Bone Man. “Take this,” he stated plainly. “You will know what to do with it when the time comes.”

Before another question could be asked, the four personages disappeared. As Tee Bone Man was getting over the shock of the experience asking, “Wow, did that just happen?” Superdekes was already looking up The Metalman on the computer. The search didn’t reveal his actual name, but that wasn’t important. Besides, reading his history, Superdekes could see why the Metalman would want to remain anonymous. He was born in the US, growing up in New Jersey but in 1986, was forced to flee to Britain after an attempt on his life. While it couldn’t be proven, it was certain that it was an assassination attempt. Most likely by the PMRC and quite possibly sanctioned by Tipper Gore herself.

Meanwhile, Tee Bone Man stocked up on guns, ammo, explosives and other necessities for the mission to save metal. When all was gathered and loaded, Superdekes revved up his motorcycle and Tee-Bone Man took to the air and within moments, had sped across the Atlantic and were landing on Minchinhampton Common in Gloucestershire, England.

Tee Bone Man jumped onto the back of the bike and Superdekes headed off. The ride took them through some beautiful scenery of rural Gloucestershire but what was supposed to be a five minute ride took double the time. They were twice delayed, first by the cows grazing nearby who decided to cross the road in front of them. The second time, they had to wait for a truck to pull into a lane which was never meant for a vehicle that size. At least they got to see some of the countryside. But in spite of the delays, they arrived, Superdekes parking his bike across the road from the Metalman’s house.

While the area around might have been scenic, the house was located in the middle of a council estate. Several front gardens were in a good need of a mowing and one had car parts strewn all around.  The pair noted that the Metalman’s home looked much better in comparison as they walked up to the front door.

Their knock was answered by a bald, spectacled man who looked to be in his mid-fifties and sported a greying beard. Observing the pair he stated, “You must be Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes, I’ve been expecting you.”

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes accepted the invitation to come in and followed their host into the living room. The host offered refreshments but the pair politely declined, Tee Bone Man stating the urgency of getting down to business. Once seated, Tee Bone Man inquired, “You say you were expecting us, did the spirits of Ronnie James Dio, Lemmy, Jeff Hanneman and John Bonham visit you too?”

“That’s who visited you?” The Metalman asked with slight surprise. “No, I was visited by Ronnie Van Zant, Randy Rhoads, Cliff Burton and A.J. Pero. They told me you would be coming and that I should do everything I can to help you. I too know about the someone going back in time and erasing heavy metal from music history, killing off all the founding fathers and main influences of metal. So, I will give you any assistance you need.”

“They’re killing ’em all!” Superdekes exclaimed.

“They’ve got a lot of them, but not all of them,” the Metalman affirmed. “One reason why our knowledge of metal history hasn’t been fully erased is because they didn’t get this one.  Metalman went over to a cupboard and pulled out a record album, handing it to Tee Bone Man. The album he held was Hair of the Dog by Scottish rockers, Nazareth.

“What’s so special about this album, except that it totally kicks ass?” Tee Bone Man asked.

“Ronnie Van Zant told me that when they got together up in Rock Heaven to create heavy metal, this album was used as a blueprint,” The Metalman explained. “Most people don’t realize that.”

It took several seconds for the heroes to digest this information and then Tee Bone Man asked, “Do you know where we can get a time machine?”

“Won’t need one,” The Metalman returned. He slipped out of the living room and a minute later holding a guitar. “Randy Rhoads gave me this and said that you would have the pick to use it. He said that if you hit three particular chords and hold them for exactly the right amount of seconds, you will travel to a designated time and place.”

It suddenly clicked as to why Jeff Hanneman had given them the guitar pick. They needed to use both in order to time travel.

“Let’s try it!” Tee Bone Man suggested over-enthusiastically, eager to get on with the mission.

The Metalman pulled out a sheet of paper. “This list the chords you need and length of time you need to hold it in order to time travel. Let’s save Black Sabbath first,” he suggested. Looking at the paper he dictated, “Hit chord B for exactly 7.2 seconds, G for 5.7 seconds and finally D for 2.4 seconds and that will take you to London in 1969.”

Taking the pick, Tee-Bone Man struck the chords as Superdekes looked at his stopwatch. At exactly, 7.2 seconds, Tee-Bone Man changed chords and changed again when Superdekes gave the signal. Suddenly, The Metalman’s living room disappeared and the pair found themselves standing on a city street. A red double-decker bus going past told them they were in London and judging from the Ford Cortina which followed it and two young ladies in bright yellow mini-skirts, who happened to pass by, they guessed they were in 1969. A look at the date on a newspaper in a nearby shop confirmed they were indeed the in the correct time.

If it wasn’t for the urgency of the mission, the heroes would have taken in the sights of where and when they were as they walked the few streets to Regent Sound where Black Sabbath were recording their first album. They boldly strode through the front door and went right to the receptionist behind the desk where, Tee Bone Man confidently declared, “We’re here to see Black Sabbath.”

Unimpressed by his bravado, the pretty young lady replied in a strong Cockney accent, “They’re recording at the moment. You can’t wait here, you’ll have to wait outside.”

Tee Bone Man gave a quick, “okay,” then he and Superdekes left the studio. They tried to be inconspicuous as they waited for Black Sabbath to come out. However, they had to wait several hours, till it was nearly dusk, taking it in turns to buy fish and chips and take care of other necessities. Finally, the unmistakable voice of Ozzy Osbourne preceded him and the rest of the band out of front door. Resisting the temptation to go up and greet the band whom they beheld as gods, they watched them get into a taxi and head off.

“I’ll follow the taxi by flying overhead, you get another cab and try to follow. If you lose them, I will radio the address,” Tee Bone Man commanded.

At that moment, Superdekes wished he had brought his motorcycle back in time as it took him ten minutes to find a cab. Meanwhile, Tee Bone Man flew undetected above the cab Black Sabbath was riding in as it drove through Central London. A few minutes later, when the taxi stopped and the band got out, he landed about 20 yards away. Observing the area, he noted that the street was full of shops and that they must have lived in a flat above one of them.

Just then, a figure appeared out of the darkening evening. He was holding a bag. Tee Bone Man stealthily drew closer for a better look. “I know you guys, you’re Black Sabbath,” the figure’s male voice stated.

“Um, yeah, we are, you’ve heard of us?” Ozzy mumbled.

“Oh yeah, I’ve heard of you. Hey, I go some beer and marijuana. I thought maybe we could party,” the figure said invitingly.

“Um, yeah, that would be cool.”

Inching closer, Tee Bone Man was able to get a better look at this would-be fan. There was something not right about him. It wasn’t the teacher but most likely one of his minions. Putting his radio wrist watch to his lips, he whispered into the speaker, “Superdekes, we’re on Betterton Street, get here fast.” Emerging from the shadows, he approached Black Sabbath and this would-be fan. “How do you know Black Sabbath?” Tee Bone Man challenged.

“I saw them in a pub in London,” the fan answered.

“Oh really, which one?”

“Oh, I don’t remember the name,” the fan confessed.

Turning to the band, Tee Bone Man warned, “He’s not a fan, he’s been sent here to poison you.”

“What? That’s absurd!” the fan screamed.  “Why would I want to harm Black Sabbath?”

“Because you know that their music will be a standard for many generations of fans. You’re here to stop them.”

“Ha!”

The headlights of the approaching taxi distracted everyone who was standing in the street. The all watched the lone figure get out, throw some cash at the driver and head towards them. Tee Bone Man knew who it was right away. “Superdekes, we need your test kit.”

“Oh, this is bullshit!” cried the fan. With that he suddenly pulled a knife and lunged at Tee Bone Man. Expecting this, Tee Bone Man dodged the lunge and whipped out a lariat and before the fan could make another move, he was on the ground tied up by the rope. Both Tee Bone Man and the subdued fan were distracted by the opening of a beer can. Both strained their necks to see Superdekes putting a test stick into it and pulling it out a few seconds later. A minute later, which seemed much longer, Superdekes shook his head, “It’s poisoned.”

“Why would anyone want to poison us?” Tony Iommi suddenly questioned.

“Because you are going to be a huge influence in a new genre of music called heavy metal,” Tee Bone Man explained. “Your music is going to inspire millions.”

“Millions?” Ozzy slurred.

As Tee Bone Man nodded, Superdekes asked, “What do we do with him?”

“We’ll take him back with us. We will destroy his time travel device and keep him locked up in our lair until we save all of the rock artists. He then motioned to his friend who reached into his ruck sack which held a lot more than one would have thought possible and bulled out a bag. “There you go,” Tee Bone Man said to the band. “In this bag is a bottle of whisky, a bottle of vodka, 12 cans of beer and some extra stuff. Now go and party and make a great album. I can’t wait to hear it.”

“Neither can we,” Geezer Butler joked.

The band watched as the pair pulled up their prisoner, then Tee Bone Man struck the appropriate chords for the appropriate length of time and then suddenly all of them disappeared. They didn’t hear Ozzy remark, “Wow, did that just happen man?”

Back at their lair, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes put the captive into a small room underneath the main lair. After a search, they found the captive’s time travel device, a small coin-like object on a chain around the man’s neck. As he locked it away, Superdekes stated, “Interesting device, I would like to study it.”

“We have no time for that now, we have more bands to save,” Tee Bone Man declared. Seeing Superdeke’s puzzled look, he explained further. “Here, look at this video feed from one of our security cameras at Deke’s Palace.  The one in the record room.  See?  We’ve saved Black Sabbath and all of their albums are back in our collection but none of the others are there. It looks like we will have to save each band individually.”

“Great job saving Black Sabbath,” the Metalman congratulated as he let Tee Bone Man and Superdekes into his house. “But I’m afraid you’re right, you’re going to have to save each band one by one.”

“Is there any way we can take the motorcycle back in time with us?” Superdekes inquired.

“Oh sure, just be sitting on it when you hit the guitar chords.”

“Who should we save next?” Tee-Bone Man asked enthusiastically.

The Metalman advised, “From my calculations, it would be best to save Aerosmith next.”

“Then it’s off to save Aerosmith!”

With both heroes sitting on the bike. Tee Bone Man struck the A chord for exactly 2.3 seconds, and when Superdekes said, “change,” the E chord for 4.5 seconds and then the D chord for 0.25 seconds. With a flash, they disappeared back in time to 1969 in Massachusetts.

It only took a matter of seconds for the motorcycle to get to the White House Bar where Aerosmith would be playing that night. The bar was your typical American roadside bar. The pair thought nothing of it as Superdekes parked his motorcycle and they went inside.

“We could never get into a bar for a dollar in our time, “Tee Bone Man stated amused as they paid the cover charge and went inside. They ordered their beers and found a table near the stage. Initial observations revealed no one suspicious. However, their ears did prick up at a conversation at the next table.

“This band, Aerosmith, I hear they’re really good.”

“Oh, are you in for a surprise,” Tee Bone Man amusingly thought to himself as he and Superdekes scanned the bar-room  Nearly fifteen minutes before Aerosmith was due to go on stage, there seemed to be no one who looked as if they were about to pull out a gun and shoot up the bar. Furthermore, there was no sound from Superdeke’s small, portable metal detector.

“God, I can remember them looking so young,” Tee Bone Man whispered to himself as the band took the stage. The pair recognised the opening number straight away. It was “Make It,” which was the opening song from what was going to be their debut album. It sounded raw but good, the band’s hunger was plain to hear. However, as much as they would have loved to soak up the experience of a youthful Aerosmith, they knew they had a job to do.

Suddenly, Superdeke’s metal detector began to beep. The pair followed the signal which increased as they neared a lone figure standing at the back of the small dance floor. “He’s about to let loose on everyone!” Superdekes exclaimed as the figure, who they could now tell was male, reached inside his coat.

Tee Bone Man let out a scream, “Get down!” as reached into his shirt pocket and it one motion tossed a smoke grenade at the figure’s feet. The sound of the explosion and the billowing smoke stunned not only the potential gunman but everyone else in the bar. Women started screaming and Aerosmith stopped playing. Then, those nearby heard a loud clank as the shock forced the gunman to drop his weapon. Tee Bone Man sprung into action, leaping across the room and executing a cross body pin which would have made Shawn Michaels proud. With the would be assassin pinned, Tee Bone Man rolled him over onto his front and slapped handcuffs on him.

The bar’s bouncers arrived on the scene straight after. “What’s happening?” one of them demanded to know.

Superdekes pointed at the Uzi on the floor, “This man was going to shoot up the bar.”

The bouncer looked at the gun. “I’ve never seen a gun like that before and I’ve just come back from ‘Nam.”

“It’s a new gun, Israeli made,” Superdekes explained.

“We’ll call the police,” another bouncer stated.

“No need,” Superdekes responded pulling out a wallet displaying a badge with an ID. “We’re FBI, we’ve been after this guy for awhile.”

As Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes were about to lead their captive away, they were sidetracked by a familiar sounding voice. “Was he going to kill us?”

Turning around, they saw the voice belonged to Steve Tyler with the rest of the band standing behind him. “Yeah, but we got him first,” Tee Bone Man answered.

“Well thanks,” Steve said graciously.

“Yeah, thanks dudes,” Joe Perry chimed in.

“Hey no need to thank us,” Tee Bone Man responded humbly. Just go out and be the great band I know your are. I think you’re going to go places.” With that, the heroes took the prisoner out of the bar and getting to Superdeke’s motorcycle, went back to the future.

The next few saves weren’t as exciting, but just as crucial to history. Tee Bone Man’s lariat subdued the would be cutter of the brakes on Rush’s van. Another smoke grenade saved Alice Cooper from being shot. They caught a woman who was going to tamper with the wiring in order to start a fire at the hotel Deep Purple was staying at. “Nice idea trying to use a woman to do that,” Tee Bone Man chortled when they caught her. As for KISS, all they had to do was make sure Paul, Gene and Ace weren’t anywhere near their places of death at the time. All in all, they had major successes but there was still one band to save:  Led Zeppelin.

“I have a hunch we’re gonna need take more ammo and supplies with us,” Tee-Bone Man stated as he climbed onto the back of Superdeke’s motorcycle.

“I’m way ahead of you,” Superdekes laughed. “I’ve packed everything in here but the kitchen sink.”

After striking the appropriate chords for the appropriate length of time, the heroes found themselves cruising through the streets of Barnet in North London in the year 1968. A couple of minutes later, Superdekes was parking his motorcycle outside of Olympic Studios.

Like they did with Black Sabbath, the duo strode through the door and bluntly inquired, “Is Led Zeppelin here?”

“Who?” the young lady behind the desk inquired. “Oh, that’s that new band. They just changed their name from The New Yardbirds. Yes, they’re in the studio recording at the moment.”

“Has anyone else come in? I mean not to do with any of the artists or the studio?”

Looking perplexed, the receptionist answered, “No, why do you ask?”

Flipping out his wallet, which revealed another ID and badge, Superdekes responded, “We’re with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. We’re on assignment with Scotland Yard and we have intelligence that a bomb has been planted in the studio. We need everyone to evacuate the building.”

Seeing that the receptionist’s surprise made her momentarily freeze, Tee Bone Man went over to the opposite wall and pulled the fire alarm. The loud ringing sparked the receptionist into action. She sprang from her chair, opened the door behind her and shouted, “Fire!”

People began filing out of the building a second later. They took little notice of the two men waving them through the door. The faces of the people were unfamiliar to until the last of the stragglers went past. It took all the discipline they could muster to resist the temptation of going up and talking to Led Zeppelin. It helped that as he walked past, they heard Jimmy Page moan, “I had just perfected that guitar solo.”

Once the building was clear, Superdekes took out his bomb detection kit and started the search. They weren’t surprised that the ground floor office revealed nothing. As they were ready to head to the studio room where Led Zeppelin was recording, a nagging feeling came over Tee Bone Man. “Hold up,” he ordered taking his laser gun out of the holster and setting it to ‘stun.’

The door opened with a loud bang and a huge flash of light stunning both heroes, which allowed three minions to rush through the door. Unfortunately for them, they rushed in too fast ant the flash momentarily distracted them as well. Tee Bone Man quickly recovered and fired his laser at one of them. It was a direct hit and the target  went down immediately. Then in true Western fashion, he quickly let off another shot with the same result on the second target. Meanwhile, Superdekes recovered and took out the third minion with a tranquilliser dart to the neck.

However, more minions came rushing through the door with guns blazing.  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were forced to take cover behind a desk. They realized they were pinned down as the hail of bullets kept flying overhead. Tee Bone Man reached into his shirt pocket and took out a trusty smoke grenade. Hurling it hook shot style over the desk, it landed right in front of the shooters. The puff of smoke and loud noise gave the heroes the distraction they needed. Superdekes pressed a button on one of his many gadgets and from seemingly out of nowhere, a net appeared above four minions and came down enveloping them. At the same time, Tee Bone Man continued his wild west antics shooting two with his laser and subduing a third with his lariat. With all the minions incapacitated, Superdekes said with a great degree of urgency, “We have to find that bomb.”

“Not so fast,” chided a new voice. “You have to go through me now.”

The man standing before them was none other than the metal hating music teacher, Mr. Suplee. “We will stop you and save heavy metal,” Tee Bone Man barked defiantly.

“That’s what you think,” Mr. Suplee responded with a sinister laugh.

The teacher held out what looked like a book and with a flash of light, which momentarily blinded the heroes, the book started blasting out the most UN-rock music in rapid succession, pounding the pair’s eardrums. Although they covered their ears, it could drown out the cacophony of trendy pop music from the decades. Music from Duran Duran, Donny Osmond, Madonna and the Spice Girls, plus many more was beating them down. Either their heads were going to explode or they would be driven to the brink of insanity.

Then all of a sudden, they heard a loud pop and after what sounded like a crash, the pulverising music suddenly stopped. Looking up, they saw the Metalman holding a odd looking pistol with a wide barrel. “Quickly,” The Metalman commanded, “I managed to disarm him with a blast of rock salt but you need to finish the job. Take your guitar and strike the chords A,C,D,C in that order, holding each note for 4.3 seconds. That will render his device powerless.”

Tee-Bone Man grabbed his guitar and began striking the chords. At the same time, Mr. Suplee picked up his device and tried to re-activate it but another rock salt blast from the Metalman’s pistol disarmed him once again. With each chord Tee-Bone Man struck, the device’s power lessened and after the final C chord, became totally powerless. With his trusty gadgets, Superdekes produced another net which came down and trapped their foe.

“But how did you know, Metalman?” Tee-Bone Man asked.

“After you saved Alice Cooper, Jimi Hendrix, Bon Scott and Malcolm Young appeared to me and said that the ringleader would be here and have this powerful device. It was given to him by Jimmy Swaggart who told him it was God’s plan for him to wipe out rock music. They told me how to stop him.”

As Tee Bone Man and Superdekes was taking all this in, the Metalman walked over to where the now powerless device lay on the floor and picked it up. Handing it to Tee Bone Man, they all saw that it was now merely a Bible.

“What, you’re the Metalman?” Mr. Suplee asked shocked. “Jimmy Swaggart swore he had you killed.

“He tried, or should I say his assassins did,” the Metalman returned. “But they missed and I fled to another country and all this time I thought it was Tipper Gore who ordered the hit.”

“Swaggart had her blessing,” Mr. Suplee informed.

“I found the bomb,” Superdekes interrupted.

Tee Bone Man followed Superdekes as he concentrated on his tracking device. It only took a minute for him to find the bomb underneath the mixing table where Led Zeppelin was recording. Fortunately, the device wasn’t too complicated and Superdekes was able to disarm it straight away.

When Tee Bone Man stuck his head out of the front door of the studio to say, “All clear,” the police on the scene were the first to enter. Many a police officer’s jaw nearly hit the floor when the saw the bullet holes and broken glass and furniture as well as the subdued bombers.

Superdekes once again flashed his badge, announcing, “Royal Canadian Mounted Police, we’re here in cooperation with Scotland Yard. We’re here for this man,” pointing to Mr. Suplee, “But you can have the others.”

Dumbfounded, the sergeant merely nodded. Taking their prisoner with them. Tee Bone Man, Superdekes and the Metalman stepped outside to a thunderous applause. A few of the younger women ran over to them and gave each of them hugs. When that was done, the three went over to Led Zeppelin and asked, “Can we have your autographs?”

“What, our autographs? We’re just recording our first album,” Robert Plant wondered.

“Oh, I think your group is going to be big one day, maybe even legends,” Tee Bone Man quipped.

“Hey why not? I mean, they just saved our lives,” John Paul Jones added.

Each member of the band signed autographs for the three heroes. When they got to Superdeke’s motorcycle, the Metalman informed them, “I’m afraid this is where we part ways.”

“So it is,” Tee Bone Man agreed. “Thanks for your help, I don’t know how much more of that torture we could have withstood.”

“No problem, after all, you have just saved rock history,” the Metalman told them.

With that, they all shook hands and the Metalman disappeared. Then Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, with their prisoner, returned to their time and place.

As they entered their lair, they spied two shadows lurking inside and drew their weapons as a precaution. “Hey, put down your guns, we’re here to congratulate you,” a somewhat familiar sounding voice stated.

The pair knew Satan’s voice straight away from their previous adventures. It was confirmed when Superdekes flicked the lights on and standing with Satan was none other than Elvis.

“We’ll take your prisoner and his minions from your cells,” Satan said with authority.

“What do you have in mind for them?” Tee Bone Man queried.

“We’re taking them to Rock Heaven,” Satan responded.” What better punishment for these people than to spend eternity listening to the very music they tried to destroy.”

“Serves them right,” Tee Bone Man smirked.

“I still can’t believe they let you into Rock Heaven,” Superdekes stated in an amused tone.

“Oh, we allow Satan to come in when he’s needed,” Elvis explained. “And every third weekend of the month for a jam.  God almost never visits himself but once in awhile, Jesus and Mohammed stop in every now and then to jam with us. I’ll tell you one thing, both of them are fed up with humankind twisting their teachings in order to denounce music.”

“We better get these guys to Rock Heaven,” Satan said with a sense of urgency.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Turning to the two heroes, Elvis said his famous, “Thank you very much. By the way, there is a special reward for you guys by your music equipment.” With that, Satan and Elvis disappeared with their prisoners.

When they were gone, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes rushed over to where their music equipment was and what they saw totally astounded them. On the table were dozens of MP3s and a note which read, “For your ears only.” Accompanying each MP3 was a track listing which featured songs from just about every deceased singer or musician possible. One MP3 alone had just about every singer singing a duet with The King. Tee Bone Man especially wanted to hear Elvis singing with Lemmy. There was the Ronnie James Dio/Janis Joplin duet but Ronnie also got his friends from the Sabbath/Purple/Rainbow tree and formed a band. It had Cozy Powell on drums, Jimmy Bain on bass, Jon Lord on keyboards and for the guitar, they got Criss Oliva of Savatage fame.

There were further combinations like Jill Janus, Jeff Hanneman, Cliff Burton and Razzle and another one with Mike Howe, Randy Rhoads, Cliff Burton and AJ Pero. Like with Elvis, a lot of people got Jimi Hendrix to play guitar on their songs but Jimi got with Phil Lynott and recorded some cool songs as well.

The combinations were limitless, and as they put the first MP3 on and poured themselves some whiskeys, they knew they had some great music to enjoy for a very long time.

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 7 – The Revenge of Common Knowledge

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
Chapter 7 – The Revenge of Common Knowledge

Late afternoon.  Saturday.  Deke’s Palace.

Tee Bone Man was snoring away in the basement, having downed more than his fair share of Scotch.  His mouth agape and eyes closed, he looked like he was trying to take a giant bite of a monster-sized sandwich.  The sound was like that of 100 chainsaws clearing their way through the Thunder Bay brush.

Superdekes entered the room with an armful of tools.  He noticed a pile of mail on his workdesk, off to one side.  On top of the mail, lay a picture postcard from their Australian friend, Harrison Holden.  Together, Deke, Tee Bone Man, and “El Moustachio” had defeated the forces of Satan himself.  Good times!  He was smiling in the photo, waving with one hand, while another hand held a large satchel.  Peeking from the satchel, was a tiny black-ish blur that Deke could not make out.  But Deke wasn’t interested in the postcard.

He sat at the desk, resuming serious work.  There Deke focused, deeply concentrating.  His brow furrowed as he worked, on a new device that he was looking forward to testing in the field.  With the utmost patience, he drove in a tiny screw, sweat beading on his forehead in concentration.  This was delicate work and he needed to be steady.  His gadgets were nothing if not clever, complicated and dangerous.  Tee Bone Man snored away on the couch.

“HNNNNNGGGGGGGGCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” came the sound from Tee Bone’s piehole.  Deke turned, gave an annoyed glare, and got back to his work.

“HNNCHHH…HNCCHHHH…” snored Tee Bone in response.  The superhero clutched his cape like a blanket, and snuggled in deeper on the couch.

Standing up, Deke made an announcement to no one.  “That’s it!”  He slammed his hands down on the table.  “I can’t work with the sound of a garbage disposal unit fighting with a Sasquatch!  Finit!!  I’m out!”  Deke grabbed his backpack and made for the door.  “BYE!” he shouted at the sleeping Tee Bone Man, who stirred just a tad before falling back sound asleep.  Deke scowled.  Even with all his jeering, he was unable to stir the superhero even slightly from his deafening slumber.

It was a lovely day outside.  The sun was starting to cast lengthening shadows through the trees.  Superdekes paused a moment at the serenity of the outdoors while his partner sawed logs indoors.  He looked around and inhaled, trying to find some inner peace.  It was a glorious day!  Strapping on his backpack, Deke made his way down the path, to the main road.  Deke’s Palace shrank into the distance behind him.

“Nice day for a walk anyway.  I’ll give the big guy two hours to sleep it off.  I may as well see what’s going on down at the old current river.”

Superdekes turned right onto the road and made his way down the shady, tree-lined lane.  When they picked the location to build Deke’s Palace many years ago, they selected a secluded area with very little activity or traffic.  It made it easier for them to solve crimes and save rock and roll, while avoiding the attention of darker forces.  Maybe it wasn’t a bad thing that he had to get outside for some peace of mind after all.  It was a pretty sweet spot.

Cool air wafted his way in light fluttering breaths.  The breeze was so pleasant.  He could identify the smell of lilacs, pine trees, and…something else.  He wrinkled his nose.  Was that parmesan cheese?  Strange, he thought.  He gave his underarm a quick whiff.  Nope, it wasn’t him.

As Superdekes walked, he felt more and more uneasy.  Deke’s Palace was out of sight behind him, and he felt increasingly nervous the further he got.  He turned around and smelled the air again.  Parmesan.  Stronger this time.  Clouds began to roll overhead, covering the day with a dark aura.

“I better go back and make sure I locked the door,” said Superdekes with worry in his words.

His instincts were keen and his concern was justified.  From out of nowhere boomed a voice. A bass-y voice that was vaguely familiar to Deke’s ageing though still sharp memory banks.  “Too late, Superdekes.  Too late!”

Deke stopped dead in his tracks.

“You can’t go back now,” taunted the voice; directionless, all encompassing.  “You got a little too loose with your precautions, and now you’re alone and without your flying motorcycle.  I’ve been waiting for this moment a long time.  I knew it would come if I was patient.  It was simply…common knowledge.”

“Oh, no,” murmured Deke.  “Not him.  No, no, no.  I better call Tee Bone Man right away.  I need reinforcements.”  Superdekes fumbled with his phone and called the Palace, but there was no ring!  Deke shook the phone in frustration.  He looked around the treeline for any visual.  “No, no.  Not this guy.  Not again.  Not again.”

The voice from the woods answered him.  “Yes again!  I knew eventually you would take a walk, and leave the snoring Tee Bone there alone, sleeping defenceless.  His sleep apnea is…common knowledge!  Quite legendary on Reddit, in fact.  Now I’ve cut the phone lines, and it’s time for my merciless revenge!  Everybody needs a little trouble, and I’m about to give you a lot!  You thought you saw the last of me, but you have actually seen the last of Tee Bone!  Once I finish you, knocking him off will be a simple task!”

Deke stood his ground and prepared for battle.  “Shut up and show yourself!  I’m right here by myself.  Or are you a coward?  You never could stop chattering.”

With a thunderous thwack, suddenly before him, a tall figure brandishing a bright teal-coloured doubleneck bass guitar leaped from the trees and landed in the middle of the road, blocking Deke’s path home.  The figure had his long blonde hair tied back in a ponytail, while balancing a Tilley hat upon his ample head.  He adjusted the volume knob on his bass, turning it past 10, all the way up to 11.  His spandex-covered legs leaned into it, and took firm ground as he prepared to unleash his bass fury.  On his feet were genuine white platform boots from the 1970s, perfectly preserved as if frozen in a moment in time.  The villain raised his head, revealing his face.

“Hello, Deke.  You remember me, don’t you?  I got you on the road to ruin!” The bassist aimed his instrument right at Deke’s head.

With a tired sigh, Deke answered.  “Yes, I remember you, Common Knowledge.”  He did indeed clearly recall the last time they encountered this villain.  They barely escaped with their lives that time.  And now he was back for revenge.  “I should have known you were creeping around from the smell of parmesan.”

The bassist named Common Knowledge grinned.  “That’s right!  Throwing away your cheese rinds is a shame!  You can make a rich, delicious and versatile broth with them, and while simmering, the forest will smell fantastic!  In case you’re worried, the ink used on cheese rinds is food grade and perfectly safe!”

“Yeah, that wasn’t really something I was too worried about,” answered Superdekes, realizing he forgot his personal power shield.  He took up a defensive position and a mental inventory of every gadget in his backpack.  Common Knowledge was one of the most annoying foes that Superdekes has ever faced.  Claiming to have foreknowledge of almost everything, the villain had a knack for seeing attacks coming.  Worse though, he simply couldn’t stop pointing it out every time.  He’s as irritating as he is dangerous.

“What’s it gonna be?” challenged Deke, raising his fists.  “You won’t get what you want this time.”

Common Knowledge laughed.  “I already got what I wanted.  You and Tee Bone Man separated!  Two fools born a minute.”  He then launched a volley of 16th notes from the E string.  They formed a powerful wave that knocked Superdekes right off his feet.  “Hah!  I bet you can feel that right down to your knucklebones!”

With a creak, Deke got himself back up off the ground.  “Yep…affirmative…” he groaned as he stood.  “Thanks for asking,” said Dekes with a hint of salty sarcasm.  Steadying himself, he saw how this was going to go.  He reached into his backpack for a specific gadget.

“Hey Common Knowledge,” said Deke as he stalled for time.  “Tell me again how you were unemployed after leaving your original band!”

The bassist turned red in anger.  He visibly had to calm himself down to answer.  “I was never ‘unemployed’,” he boomed.  He was boiling!  Then it happened, the moment Deke was waiting for – Common Knowledge briefly closed his eyes to center himself after the insulting comment!  “‘Unemployed’…You are the first person in 33 years to assume such a thing.”

“Assume this!” said Deke as he blasted the bassist with one of his favourite gadgets – a shrinking ray!  The beam hit Common Knowledge right in the Tilley hat.  Yet the bassist simply opened his eyes and brushed it off.  No effect!  Though his hat shrunk, he casually tossed it aside and pulled another identical one from thin air!  He adjusted his new hat.

“A shrinking ray?  Really?  I’m ‘Mr. Big’!  Or didn’t you know that?  I thought it was…common knowledge.”

“Oh shit,” whispered Deke to himself.  “This guy is so annoying.  Not only does he deflect everything you throw at him, he always brags that he saw it coming because it’s ‘common knowledge’.”  Thinking it through, Deke’s computer-like mind worked out a plan.  “Somehow, I’m going to have to really take him by surprise.  Something he can’t see coming.  In the meantime. I’ll keep him off balance by annoying him…just as much as he annoys me!  His one weakness.”  Superdekes grabbed something else from his backpack to stall the villain.  With force, he tossed a sonic grenade.

“CATCH!” he shouted.  “Hey, remind me how your one ‘Big’ band broke up in the 90s again?”

Common Knowledge swatted the sonic grenade away with a swing of his bass.  “You know this already!  It was due to nothing other than us being burnt out!”  The grenade went off past the treeline with a sound loud enough to wake Tee Bone Man from his slumber…or so Deke hoped.  The bassist then wound up, aimed his instrument at Deke again and, with fingers flying, sent a load of lightning fast bass notes at our hero.  “Sink your teeth into that!” he taunted.  Superdekes dove out of the way just in time.

Stalling now, Deke kept going at him.  “So, Common Knowledge, tell me your Top Five brands of parmesan cheese!”  He blasted the bassist with another gadget, a blinding burst of light.  Common Knowledge predicted this and simply dropped his special extra-dark sunglasses over his eyes.  “Favourite cheeses?  Too hard to choose,” he answered grimly.

“‘Too Hard To Choose’?” answered Deke incredulously.  “I never heard of that brand before.”  He fired a wrist-rocket from his watch which the bassist swatted away with his doubleneck.  It flew off course and exploded somewhere high above.  Leaves showered the road from the blast.

“I hear you are a bass player too,” mocked Common Knowledge.  “Are you addicted to that rush?”  He sent another flurry of notes, even faster this time, straight at Superdekes. With reflexes honed by years of fighting evil supervillains, Deke barely dodged this blast of bass.  It was that finger-picking technique that Common Knowledge was using.  Almost impossibly fast, but…wait a minute!  Like a lightbulb going off in Deke’s head, he knew immediately what to do next.  But Common Knowledge had already loaded up some right-hand three-finger picking and tapping combos with controlled feedback!  Deke dove out of its path, but the back of his jacket received most of the blow, now smouldering with bass heat.

“I seen that coming a mile!” taunted Superdekes, intentionally using Northern Ontario grammar.

Common Knowledge began to boil in frustration.  “You SAW, you mean.  These words are important!  They have meaning!  Please use them correctly!”

“Use THESE correctly!” yelled Deke as he surprised the villain with another shot.  “Or are these not common knowledge?”  From a custom nuclear-powered dispenser, Deke fired a volley of bass picks!  It was a gadget that Deke prototyped for live gigs, but was far too overpowered for club shows.  “Hey man!  Lean into this!  It’s the price you gotta pay.  The whole world’s gonna know who beat you.”

Common Knowledge’s eyes opened wide.  This time, he didn’t see it coming!  How could he?  He doesn’t play with picks!  The tiny pieces of plastic flew at him too fast to block.  They cut his skin as they hit, leaving a thousand tiny wounds.  The evil bassist slouched to the ground, unable to withstand the assault.  He raised a hand in defense, to no avail.  The little tiny picks kept coming at him, even cutting through the thick callouses on the bassist’s hands.

“I yield!” yelled Common Knowledge from behind his hands.  “I yield!”

Deke lowered his weapon.  “Drop the bass, Common Knowledge!  Drop it now and you’ll get lucky this time.”

With a thud, the bright teal doubleneck bass hit the dirt.  Common Knowledge sat up, broken and bleeding from the battle.  He kept his head down in shame, hiding his face under his hat.  “Please don’t tell anyone,” he begged.  “I don’t want this humiliating defeat to be common knowledge.”

From behind him, a big voice boomed.  “I’ll make sure the entire story is in a Guitar World cover article by Greg Renoff.”  It was Tee Bone Man, awakened from his deep slumber!  “That’s the least you deserve.”

The two heroes, Superdekes and Tee Bone Man, reunited with a hug.  “I heard one of your sonic grenades go off,” said Tee Bone, “so I threw on some pants, and got here as quickly as I could!  But it looks like you didn’t need my help.”  He surveyed the scene around him.  The sound of a squirrel happily chirping away startled him a moment, but then Tee Bone focused on Common Knowledge in scorn.  Though there were signs of a battle, there was only one clear loser, and he sat crying on the road under his silly hat.

“Even separately…I could not defeat them…” he moaned to himself.

“Nope,” answered Superdekes.  “I guess the power of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes isn’t common knowledge after all!”

BONUS:  For Common Knowledge’s backstory, click here!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Writer’s Room: The Adventures of Tee Bone Man will return after these messages….

August 20, 2022. The Writer’s Room.

“OK guys!” I said as I put my coffee down on the table. “What do we have coming up for Tee Bone Man?”

Harrison officially began the meeting. “I believe you are next with your Deke-centric story, correct Mr. LeBrain?”

“That’s right,” I answered. “That will go up next week. That’s a very special one.  For reasons we will see.”

Harrison smiled.  He understood what was in store for Superdekes.

The 80s Metal Man spoke next, the newest member at the writer’s table.   “And if I am correct, after your Deke story, I will go next month with my time travel tale.”

“Wahoo!” shouted Aaron.

“And after time travel,” answered Harrison, “I have my next story lined up. It is pretty epic and involves a lot of song references and a little bit of foreshadowing.”

“Awesome sauce,” I responded.

Snowman piped in next. “I have an idea for a space-based adventure.”

“Wahoo!” shouted Aaron.

“That sounds great, Snowman. Will there be an even bigger Gene Simmons box set in this one? 10,000 discs of outtakes this time?”

Snowman laughed, but declined to answer the question. “You’ll just have to wait and see. But since you all think I look like Richard Dreyfuss, it might be fun to do a Close Encounters homage with Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.”

Harrison spoke up. “I’m very much looking forward to doing the Lego art on that one, Snowman. Please keep me posted so I can get started on it as soon as possible.”

“Wahoo!” shouted Aaron.

“Hey Harrison,” I said. “How is it going with the Lego art anyway?”

“Very well thank you,” responded the mustachioed Australian metal madman. “But as you can see, it’s not simple artwork by any means. I’d like a month between story chapters in order to perfect the artwork for each.”

The writers at the table all nodded their heads in agreement.

“Wahoo!” shouted Aaron.

“How about you, Aaron?” I queried. “Got anything cooking for Tee Bone Man?”

“Wahoo! I mean, no, not at the moment but I am sure I can come up with another one,” answered Aaron.

“Give ‘er!” I responded, throwing one of his favourite sayings at him. “You’re always welcome to contribute. It would be fun if you included yourself in your next story. We all have.” The table nodded in agreement again.

“OK, so let me get this all straight, just to make sure we’re all on the same page.” I was very excited for how well this was all going, with this creative bunch of writers.  “I’m next with my Deke chapter. Then Metal Man is on deck. Harrison goes after Metal Man. That’s the next two to three months of content right there. We are in good shape, I think.”

“I agree,” said Harrison. “And having read Metal Man’s chapter already, I think it’s good enough to break the multiverse.”

Metal Man smiled at the compliment. “Thank you,” he said. “I might have to write a sequel, I had so much story to fit in there.”

“You’re more than welcome to write a sequel,” I responded. “I’d also like to get some fresh blood in the writer’s room, see if anyone else has a good story to contribute.”

Breaking the fourth wall, Snowman spoke, to you the reader! “That’s right. Whoever is out there reading this right now, if you think you have what it takes, leave a comment below. There are lot of people that know Tee Bone and Superdekes, who could probably do a great job.”

A shudder came over Harrison. “But keep in mind, I can only do art for one per month.”

“And none of us want you to rush it,” I said. “But keep in mind the whole idea was for this to be a community effort.”

“COMMUNITY!” shouted Aaron.

The table nodded in agreement again. I sipped my coffee and continued. “I understand your concerns, and obviously we don’t want things to get bogged down too much.” Like Snowman, I then broke the fourth wall and spoke directly to the readers. “We just all want you, the reader, to understand we want inclusivity. Maybe Lana can come up with a story. Who knows, maybe even Deke will have an idea. I just want people to know this is for all of us.”

I stood and walked around the table to address all the writers.

“You guys are all killing it. We already have some amazing chapters written and it’s only getting better. I want you guys to know how much I appreciate you jumping on this idea with me…” I noticed Aaron had his hand up to ask a question. “Yeah, Aaron? What’s up.”

“I can’t help but notice you’re not wearing pants,” he said flatly.

I looked down and saw he was right.

“Didn’t you get the memo from Tee Bone? It’s time to tell the world – Fuck Pants!”

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
COMING SOON: Chapter Seven!

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Chapter Six: Tee Bone Goes to Camp!

“Enough is enough!” shouted the superhero in the cape.

“Alright, alright!” retorted the superhero in the motorcycle helmet.

“I am going on vacation, even if it kills me!” the first hero emphasized.

“Nobody’s stopping you!” returned the man in the black helmet.

“We have literally fought Sasquatch, Satan’s minions — twice, and Brad Marchand from the NHL, without a break!  It’s either Miller time or Tee Bone Man goes crazy time.” said the first hero, as he removed the mask from his face.

“How about Tee Bone Man chills for a minute time!” shouted his partner Superdekes, as his helmet dropped to the dirt.  “You are the one who insists on helping every single Australian, American or southern Ontario stoner we run across!”  Changing his tone of voice, Deke said calmingly, “There are other superheroes.  The weight of the world doesn’t have to be on your shoulders.  Maybe it’s just time for some Tee Bone time?”

A slight pause, and then Tee Bone removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes right where the headache was setting in.  He sighed.  “You’re right.”  Then he added, “This one time, you’re right.  I’m going to Camp for a week.  I won’t even fly there.  I’ll drive.  No superpowers for a whole week.”

“Atta boy!” said Deke as he patted Tee Bone Man on the back.  “I’ll take care of everything.  I have a ton of new gadgets and upgrades I’m working on up at Deke’s Palace.  I’ll mind the fort.”

“Thanks pal,” said Tee Bone to his best friend.  “See you in one week.”

“Seven days,” Deke responded as they fist bumped.

“Don’t let being right for once go to your head,” smartassed Tee Bone with a wink.


“We’re running around, like we’re in a rat race!  Monkey bars, swingin’ stars!  Countin’ the cars, by the monkey bars!”  Tee Bone was singing his lungs out on the highway to Camp.  Windows down, stereo on 11, sunglasses on his face, Tee Bone hadn’t felt so good in months.  The drive was relaxing to him and a short two hours later he had arrived.  “Devil’s Deck”, the actual name of Camp Tee Bone, was given due to its luxurious and expansive decks.  Littered with chairs and umbrellas, the party deck alone could comfortably seat 20.  In fact, the name “Devil’s Deck” was coined by the Devil himself, at an after-party there when Tee Bone and Deke faced off with him over a Gene Simmons box set.

Tee Bone got out of the car with his hockey bag and gazed reminiscing at the big deck.

“That was one wild party,” said Tee Bone shaking his head.  “Turns out Satan can’t hold his liquor.”

The big man stepped up and unlocked the main door.  The smell of wood hit him as he entered.  Always so pungent yet sweet, the smell of wood at Camp.  But something was off.  He wrinkled his nose.  He sniffed the air.

“Squirrel poo.  That God damn squirrel has been in here.  I thought I sealed off all the holes.  Must have missed one last season.”

He put his bag down, flipped on the power, unpacked some liquor and put it in the fridge.  He looked around just to absorb that feeling again, the feeling of being free in your own Camp, with only forest and lake in your line of sight, in every direction.  He went outside to gather wood.

“Squee! Squee! Squee!”  An abrasive sound from the trees.  High above him, the branches moved as something jumped from vantage point to vantage point.

“God damn squirrel,” complained Tee Bone as he grabbed six logs from the wood pile.

“Nice and dry,” said Tee Bone approvingly as he examined the lumber.

“Squee!” came the sound from the trees!  “Aaaackackack!”

This must have been squirrel talk for “Bombs away!” because the very next second, Tee Bone was wiping squirrel shit from his glasses.

“What the…?”  He looked up in fury!  “You little bastard!”

“Squee squee squee ack ack!” responded the squirrel, easily dodging the piece of lumber thrown at him.  In seconds, he had leapt so far away that Tee Bone could no longer see him in the trees.

Inhaling deeply, Tee Bone dropped the wood and closed his eyes.  He inhaled again, smelling the pollen and pine.  “I am not letting that squirrel ruin my week at Camp.  Absolutely no way.  Not happening.”  He then raised his voice and shouted into the forest, “NOT HAPPENING!”

“Not happening…happening…happening…happening…” the forest echoed back as if in mockery.


 

Tee Bone sat by the campfire in complete relaxation.  Such utter peace.  He took a deep breath, held it a moment, and let it go.  The fire crackled before him, alive and sparking with the sound of dry wood and combustion.  He watched the flames dance before him, forming red, orange and yellow shapes just as quickly as they disappeared.  The sound of the popping wood was like music to his weary soul.

From his stereo nearby came another sound:  that of rock and roll!

“Like a one-eyed jack, stick a knife in your back,” sang Carl Dixon on Coney Hatch’s debut album.  “There’s a devil in her deck!”

Tee Bone swigged his beer and nodded his head to the song.  He sang along.

“Take all you got!  Hell’s so hot!” boomed Tee Bone, with his beer in the air.  He would know, having defeated the minions of Satan at the gates of hell with Superdekes not that long ago.  “Yeah man!” Tee Bone shouted in celebration.  He deserved a little celebration!  He did save the world, after all.  He stood, and mimed a little bit of air guitar to the classic Steve Shelski solo.  “Oooh there’s a devil in her deck!”

At the conclusion of the track, Tee Bone put down his beer, stretched and smiled at the sweetness of camp life.

“Better go get some more wood,” he said to himself.  “And some hot dogs and marshmallows to go with it!”

Tee Bone turned around, took a step, and tripped.  He fell to the ground with a heavy thud.  As he did, he heard a victorious “squeeee!” from the trees.  Getting up and brushing the leaves and grass from his shirt, he saw what caused his fall.  A small pile of twigs and branches that he certainly did not leave there.  Which means….

“Squeee! Ackackack,” came the sound from the trees again, just before another squirrel poop was dropped on Tee Bone’s head.

“That God damned squirrel…” mumbled a fuming Tee Bone to himself as he wiped the crap from his hair.  Anger smouldered inside him, much hotter than the campfire.  The squirrel hurriedly left the scene of the crime with a jump and a leap.  “That little bastard.  He’s targeting me!” shouted Tee Bone at the trees.

The forest turned silent in answer.


The moon was full that night, and Tee Bone slept like he had not been able to sleep back in the city.  The satisfied sleep of the just.  The kind of calm re-energizing that comes only with…

“Squee! Ackackack.”

Tee Bone was startled awake.  It took a minute to remember where he was.  Then, he rubbed that spot in the corner of his eyes where the headache liked to go.

“That God damn squirrel!”

He removed his covers and got out of bed with a start.  He ran down from his bedroom to the first floor of the Camp, and flipped the lights.  Outdoors, night became as day!  The light flooded the property.  He stormed out onto the deck, yelling as a man possessed!

“You!  You little bastard!  You will not ruin my vacation!  You will not!”  He violently shook his finger at the nearest tree.  “I’ve just about had it with you!”

The night was silent, but for the cool wind that rustled the leaves on the Devil’s Deck.

Tee Bone lingered a moment and then, satisfied that he had scared the little rodent off, stepped back inside.

“Squee!” the squirrel teased from a distance.

“Little bastard,” mumbled Tee Bone under his breath as he closed the door.  “I’m gonna lose it I swear.”  The forest whispered quietly behind him.


Morning came.  “Bacon and eggs over an open fire?  Don’t mind if I do!” mumbled Tee Bone as he yawned himself awake.

The big man sat up and removed his nightcap.  Outside the bedroom window:  a symphony of birds, a delight that he let enter his body through all his senses.  He closed his eyes and simply absorbed the music of the outdoors.  He was hungry but food could wait just a few more minutes.  Then he opened his eyes.  The lake was deep blue.  He strode over to the window.  Looked like it was going to be a clear day.  Good day for…

“SQUEE!”  The squirrel suddenly appeared, jumping right at a startled Tee Bone, and landing on the flowerbed beneath the window!

“AHHH!” screamed Tee Bone in shock.  His heart raced 100 beats a minute as he staggered backwards onto the hardwood floor.  “OW!” he yelped at his bruised tailbone.

Satisfied, the squirrel jumped away back into the trees.

Tee Bone felt the rage rise once again in his blood.  He stood with a groan, threw open the windows, and yelled.

“Today, squirrel!  It’s going down today!  You are dead meat, rodent!  Dead meat!”

Closing the windows, Tee Bone ran to his dresser and took out his best camouflaged clothes.

“Told you I’d need these one day,” he whispered to Mrs. Tee Bone as if she was actually in the room with him.  “Today I’m gonna catch a squirrel.”  Then a pause.  “Because I promised Deke I wouldn’t use my powers!” answered Tee Bone impatiently to nobody.  He was losing his grip.

Mentally on the brink, he frantically searched for items around the house.  It was psychological warfare now and Tee Bone was on the losing end.  The squirrel was winning and worse than that, Tee Bone knew it.  He was looking for a specific bag with an item inside that he would require today.  He also needed a hat.  “No, not the Montreal Canadiens hat!” he shouted to no-one.  Instead he selected a plain white baseball hat.  In the downstairs closet, he spotted the bag he sought, with the big “Deke’s Palace” logo on the side.

“I’ve got him this time,” said the rapidly deteriorating Tee Bone, getting more manic as he changed into his camo outfit.  “Shut up!  Shut up!!  No more narration!”


I watch from my hiding spot, crouching uncomfortably in the thorns.  My face is covered in black facepaint, leftovers from last summer’s Kiss costume party.  Remember?  I was Ace, and Deke drew the short straw and had to be Vinnie Vincent.  Note to self:  no more black leather in summer.  But now the party is over and I’m here in the bushes to catch a little bastard rodent.  Next to me, I have a special bag from Deke’s Palace.  One of gadgets that he left here after the party.  A toy, actually, for the kids, but it’ll work for these purposes.  I’ve already programmed the course.  I just need that little prick to take the bait.

There’s movement in the trees, but I can tell from the colours that it’s just birds.   Two blue jays and a cardinal.  No squirrels.  He’s a smart little shit.  He’s been watching me.  Clandestine surveillance.  He knows I’m up to something.  I know he knows.  But here’s the thing.  He may be smart, but I’m crazy.  Crazy like a fox.  He made me this way.  And now he will find out what happens when you mess with a crazy fox!

Now I hear him.  “Squee-ing” in the trees.  A battle cry.  He knows what’s happening here:  winner take all.  Either I win and have my vacation, or he wins and they take me to the funny farm.  There’s no other outcome.

I’ve waited here motionless for so long I’ve lost track of time.  I know the sun has moved.  The bait was in the sun when I dropped it.  Now it’s in the shade.  I just have to hope that that squirrel is a big enough asshole to steal my hat.  There it sits, my hat, the bait.  I dropped where it lay and made it look like an accident, like I didn’t notice it had fallen from my bag.  Wait, I see the branches moving again!  It’s not a bird.  Heavier than a bird.  It must be that God damn squirrel.

There he is; that little rodent just jumped down from the trees!  Oh my God he’s moving towards the hat!  Come on you little…come on…one more step.  That’s right.  Touch it.  Try to take it.  Try!

YES!!! 

The cage came down!  He’s trapped!  Wow he’s really making noise now.  He’s pissed off!  Hah!  How do you like it, you little shit!  OK, got my bag here…grabbing the rocket from the bag.  Deke’s special rocket.  Made it for the kids but far too powerful for regular play.  OK.  Gotta grab the little bastard now and…OH!  OH!  You shit!  You little shit!  Hold still you bastard…HA!  Inside you go.  Got you!  Got you!  Closing the hatch now.  Enjoy your Rocket Ride!  Alright…running to the launch pad now…placing the rocket.  And now…3…2…1…launch!

Hah!  It launched!!  Bye squirrel!  Bye!  I hope you like Australia!


With that, sanity returned to Tee Bone Man and the narrator returned to his job.

The rest of the week was quiet and completely uneventful.  Lots of reading, sleeping, paddling in the lake.  Catching a few fish, Tee Bone was well fed and finally relaxed.  And sunburned.  Falling asleep on the boat one afternoon left him a little red in the face, but it was truly one of the best naps he’d ever had.  He felt great!

At the end of his seven day break, Tee Bone packed his car, and prepared for the long drive home.  He gazed a moment at the Camp, and smiled looking at Devil’s Deck.  Until next time.

On the road home, Tee Bone stopped for a Tim Horton’s coffee and thought it might be nice to talk to Deke.  Let him know (for the last time) that he was right all along and a vacation was the cure.

“Hey buddy,” said Tee into his phone when Deke answered.  “I’m just calling you from a Tim’s on the highway.  Just wanted you to know vacation was great and I’m feeling refreshed.”

“That’s great man.  And I won’t hold it over your head that I was right again, as usual.”  The two friends laughed.  “Did anything interesting happen?”

“Nope,” lied Tee Bone.  “Nothing at all.  Oh, I got a sunburn.”

“Nothing else got burned?” asked Deke.  There was no answer.  “A little rocket fuel maybe?”

“Oh!  Oh!  Right,” fumbled Tee Bone as he raced to come up with a story.  “You must have noticed that on your tracker right?  Right, so you know I shot your rocket to Australia.  Well you remember that Harrison Holden kid right?  He asked me to send him something from Canada so I just, you know, BLAM!  I just rocketed it to him.”

“You sent him something by rocket?  What did you send him?” questioned Superdekes, smelling that the story he was being fed had a fishy scent.

Tee Bone swallowed.  The line was silent a moment.

“A…coin.”

“You sent him a coin by rocket??” asked Deke.

“Yeah, umm, he said he wanted to see a Canadian loonie, so,” answered Tee Bone awkwardly.

“You sent a $1 coin that you could have mailed, to Australia, by rocket, at the cost of $10,000 in fuel plus my rocket that I’m probably not getting back?”  The incredulous Deke was like Judge Judy holding court now.  It was an interrogation.

Another swallow.  “Yes,” answered Tee Bone, now sweating so much that the phone was slipping from his hands.  “Oh, shoot Deke it just started raining here, I’d better get going, talk to you soon, I’ll call you tomorrow, see you pal.”  Tee Bone hung up as quickly as he could hit the button.

He looked up to the clear blue sky and swore, “I shall never tell anyone what really happened at Camp.”


Australia.

The ground was streaked where the rocket had come to its soft landing.  Though the engine was still smoking, the rocket was motionless.  Then, it shuddered.  Again.  Now, it shook with some force until the top panel burst open.

The squirrel leaped out and gazed around his new surroundings.  The sound of Blaze Bayley poured from a distant window, catching his ear.  The squirrel headed East.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes – The Story So Far

On this Canada Day, please enjoy reading the exploits of Canada’s greatest superheroes: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes!

This series of fun, clever and witty rock and roll adventures is written by a collective of creators, and you can join too!  But first, catch up on what has happened so far and what is to come.

 


THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN

Chapter One:  A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

As a caravan of Southern Ontario rockers travel north through Thunder Bay, they encounter a terror like none they have ever seen before.  Far from home and out of their element, a “meaty man” and “brainiac” find themselves at the mercy of a legendary beast.  Only with the sudden arrival of two mysterious superheroes do they even stand a chance of survival!

Chapter Two:  Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Devastating earthquakes threaten all humankind.  Seemingly originating from the continent of Australia, Tee Bone Man makes his way south to investigate.  Teaming up with a young “Man with the Moustache”, they soon realize the only way to stop the earthquakes and save the planet is to eradicate them right from their source — hell!  But how to get there?  Perhaps El Moustachio can help!

Chapter Three:  Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Continuing from chapter two, Tee Bone Man and El Moustachio enlist the aid of Superdekes as they battle the armies of hell!  With action scenes straight out of Tolkien, our trio of heroes must defeat orcs, demons, dragons and far worse to stop the earthquakes.  When the Man with the Moustache discovers a secret doorway, they meet the evil entity responsible.  His goals will shock you!

Chapter Four:  Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom?  (by Aaron KMA)

In their strangest adventure yet, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes encounter a new foe unlike any they have dealt with before.  Is it real, or just fantasy?  Decide for yourself as Tee Bone Man wields a hockey stick instead of a guitar and tries to catch a rat!

Chapter Five:  The Super Duper Vault  (by John Snow)

This chapter takes us back on the highway to hell and its evil ruler, the great Satan himself!  Never satisfied, the terrible red one now covets something truly unique.  Sending new minions dubbed the Knights in Satan’s Service to Earth, they seek the one known as the Snowman!  For he possesses the only copy of the Super Duper Vault, featuring 666 CDs of Gene Simmons outtakes.  Satan wants it and will stop at nothing.  Sounds like a call to Tee Bone Man and Superdekes is in order!


COMING SOON!  What will happen to our heroes next?

Chapter Six:  Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Well overdue for a vacation, Tee Bone Man treks to camp.  But all is not as it should be.

Chapter Seven (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Eight (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Nine (by LeBrain)

Stay tuned for the adventure is only beginning!

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (By John from 2Loud2OldMusic)

By John T. Snow (2Loud2OldMusic)

After the conclusion of the epic Leafs / Bruins game, the television at Deke’s Palace switched over to Breaking News.  This caused our heroes Tee Bone Man and Superdekes to perk up from their drunken scotch stupor.  As he rose, Tee Bone Man said, “I hope this isn’t something we need to be involved in, because I feel like crap”.  Superdekes responded “And you look like it too!”  Which caused Tee Bone Man to throw his empty bottle of scotch, just missing Superdekes’ head and shattering against the basement wall.

The announcer spoke.  ”Reports are coming in from around the world of robberies of famous music memorabilia, and all by an army of Demons that call themselves Knights in Satan’s Service, and yes:  they look like the members of the band Kiss.  The army has absconded with Eddie Van Halen’s Frankenstrat guitar, ZZ Top’s 1933 Ford Coupe, the Wu Tang Clan’s Once Upon a Time in Shaolin album, and even Madonna’s wedding dress from her MTV Music Awards performance, to name only a handful of what has been stolen.”

Superdekes laughed, “Who the hell would want Madonna’s wedding dress?”


Meanwhile in Hell, Satan was prancing around in Madonna’s wedding dress when one of his evil minions stormed into his office.  The minion’s jaw dropped open slamming to the floor with a thunderous thud and before he could recover, Satan turned around.  If he turned a shade a red from embarrassment we will never know due to the fact he was already red to begin with. He screamed with anger, ”Do you not know how to knock?” and with one fell swoop of his hand, the minion was incinerated.  He slammed the door shut, took off his dress and put it back with his ever-growing memorabilia collection.  He stashed it right next to his autograph of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, which were his prized possessions up to this point.

But there was still an empty spot, and it burned at him through the back of his mind.  A special spot for the one piece that he hadn’t yet collected, and for him, it was going to be his new prized possession…after he stole it of course!  It was an item by a musician that was almost as evil as he was, almost as self-absorbed as he was, and almost as beautiful as was…nah…I made that last part up.  The prize was from none other than Gene Simmons of Kiss, and it was his most precious new collectible…The Super Duper Vault.  At over 2 storeys tall, it came with a life size robot of Gene, a pack of Kiss Kondoms, one black diamond, a useless coin with Gene’s picture engraved in it, a book with mostly pictures since his fans generally can’t read, as well as 666 CDs of unreleased music.  There is only one in the world and it cost over $10,000,000.  Only one person owns it and he is known only as “The Snowman”.

Satan called forth his demon army, Knights in Satan’s Service.  “Set forth upon the Earth and bring me back The Super Duper Vault at once.  Go to Charlotte, North Carolina and find this ‘Snowman’ character, and bring me The Super Duper Vault.  Kill him if you must as we have ‘nothing to lose’.”  With a few grunts and ack-ack’s, the demons were off!


Back in Charlotte, the Snowman was putting the finishing touches on his Super Duper Vault display.  He had to buy the house next door and gut it by removing the 2nd floor just so it would fit inside.  Of course, he had to first remove the roof, place the Super Duper Vault in the house with a crane and put the roof back on top.  But when you have crazy money and are stupid enough to spend $10,000,000 on noise, anything is possible.  Including his security system…a horde of actual living snowmen that surround the house, lightsabers in tow, ready to protect the precious Super Duper Vault.  Yes, when you have this much money you can make actual working lightsabers which had the stamp of approval from George Lucas himself.

As the Snowman exited the 2nd house, the sun seemed to disappear! Smoke began rising from all around and plumes of flames were shooting out randomly.  The snowman army quickly went on alert.  The smoke turned in to a purple haze, and out stepped Satan’s demon agents, led by an effeminate guy with a purple aura around him that made him look like Paul Stanley from Kiss.   Except he didn’t have a star over his right eye, this one had a pentagram.  He was wearing black leather pants and a dark sweater….no, wait, that’s just his chest hair!  He looked at the Snowman and his pathetic snowman army and laughed.  The demon said…”We’re gonna get this place…Hotter Than Hell”!  With that, the temperature started rising.  The snowman brigade started melting!

The Snowman scratched his head and said…”maybe an army of snowmen wasn’t the smartest thing in the world.”

Demon Paul turned to the Snowman and asked “Has anyone told you that you look like Richard Dreyfuss?”  The Snowman replied, “No, no one has ever told me that before.”  The Snowman was a silver fox with a stylish trimmed beard just like Dreyfuss.  He had more money than brains (unlike Dreyfuss who had equal amounts of both).  He always wasted his money and trivial things like over-sized collectibles.

He immediately flipped open his cellphone and dialed the emergency number to a couple of dudes he thought might be able to help.  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes!  He spoke into the phone urgently.  “Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, please come quickly!  The Knights in Satan’s Service have arrived and are trying to take my Super Duper Vault”.

After a short pause, Superdekes responded!  “Dude, don’t you have a security system to protect it?  We’re busy drinking.” He took another swig of scotch.

The Snowman answered, “Yes, I had an army of snowmen, but the demons melted them.”

Superdekes shook his head and mumbled, ”Man, what an idiot,” before responding.  “Okay, we will be right there. I’ll jump on my flying motorcycle and Tee Bone Man will just fly,” He said with a note of jealousy.  “Hang tight.”  The flying thing was still sticking in Superdekes’ craw apparently.

The demon army stepped further into the light.  There was a real evil looking one that carried an axe and his aura was red and went by the name Demon Gene.  He was dressed in body armor that was extremely dented, and sported a pair of bat wings.  There was a feline one that had a couple of small drum sticks and had a green aura.  Demon Peter’s feline face was way more vicious looking, with actual whiskers, a tail and a trail of blood seeping from his lips.  There were two with a blue aura, Demon Ace and Demon Tommy.  The first of the two walked through the smoke with a cockiness that was somehow so cool.  The second just mimicked his every move, but not cool at all. They were wearing blue and silver outfits that looked like an almost extraterrestrial material.  It did not look man made.  Both carried rocket-shooting guitars.  Finally, there was a guy with what looked like a golden cross over his face, and he wielded a guitar too. Demon Vinnie kept stepping in front of everybody like he was supposed to be in charge.  Together, they were a sight like no one had ever seen before on this Earth.

The demon army advanced shooting rockets from the guitars and the Demon Gene shot fire from his ass. The Snowman grabbed his own lightsaber and deflected many of the shots coming from the demon horde. Luckily, within minutes of making the call, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes had arrived and they arrived in style.  Tee Bone Man had his superhero suit on and his VH logo mask.  He also had a vintage Gibson strapped across his back.

Tee Bone Man came flying down and knocked the legs out from under Demon Paul.  The demon got up and screamed “Okay, now you’ve done it, I will have to pull out my Love Gun”.  And with that, Tee Bone Man whipped out his own gun, which was his guitar, and played a killer riff that laid to waste the Demon Paul.  Purple goo oozed from every orifice, and he melted into the Earth.

Only a half second behind Tee Bone Man was his trusty sidekick, Superdekes sporting a brand new Envy of None T-Shirt and blue jeans.  Superdekes’ motorcycle ran over the Demon Peter and squashed him like a bug.  But he got up and laughed it off…”Stupid human, I have 9 lives”.

Before Superdekes could respond, a burst of flames were shot at him from the Demon Gene.  Superdekes fell backwards and tripped over a randomly placed log.  He picked up the log and threw it at the Demon Gene right when he was about to shoot another burst of flames from his ass.  The log crashed right into his butt and clogged that hole and as a result, Demon Gene exploded into a million tiny demon pieces.  Superdekes did a superhero pose and said “I guess I put my log in your fireplace” as Tee Bone Man turned around and jokingly said “Burn Bitch Burn”.  The Snowman just shook his head and gave a massive groan.

The attack intensified!  The Vinnie demon with the cross looking thing on his face stepped forward and played a wailing solo on his guitar, which shot rockets at Tee Bone Man, just barely missing him.  Tee Bone Man whipped his own guitar around, and gave it right back to him and then some!  Demon Vinnie fell backwards, and then both Demon Ace and Demon Tommy jumped forward and ripped solos that sent bolts of lightning through the Snowman.  He flew through the air, crashing into his house (the first one).  He got up and said, “Man, those idiots just shocked me!”  Tee Bone Man started playing his favourite solo, “Eruption”, but he was rudely interrupted by Demon Vinnie again.  Tee Bone Man screamed, “So, you want to do another solo, huh!  Well not here pal!”  A rocket shot from his guitar, blowing up the cross-faced demon, slaughtering him once and for all.

Seconds later, Demon Peter went in for Superdekes and the Snowman.  Snowman threw Superdekes a laser pointer!  Superdekes screamed “What the Hell?”.  The Snowman yelled, “Point it in front of him. It will distract him.”  And sure enough, Demon Peter froze, saw the light and pounced on it.  Without hesitation, Superdekes moved it swiftly to the left…Demon Peter followed instinctively.  He moved it to the right and the same thing. He moved it up, down, zigzag and really fast back and forth. Sure enough, Demon Peter chased after it stupidly.  Snowman grabbed a can of CatNip and poured it all over the ground. Superdekes led Demon Peter straight to the CatNip.  Demon Peter smelled it, jumped in it, rolled around and suddenly started purring. He was so high at this point. The Snowman went over and scratched Demon Peter behind the ears and the Giant Demon cat rubbed up against him and rolled over for his belly to be rubbed.  Superdekes and The Snowman tamed the wild beast.

There were only two demons left now:  Demon Ace and Demon Tommy.  They were trading solos back and forth with Tee Bone Man, each firing rockets and lasers at each other.  The Ace demon would play a riff with so much feel, impressing the hell out of Tee Bone Man.  The other would try and copy him, but it was always too technical, lacking in heart and soul.  Suddenly, Demon Ace turned towards Demon Tommy.  Looking extremely annoyed, he blasted Demon Tommy for constantly copying everything he did.  He said, “There can be only one!  And that is the original.”

Tee Bone Man looked puzzled, but kept on pummelling Demon Ace with his solos.  Fingers flew faster and faster, and then Demon Ace started to look weary and tired.  The scotch-powered Tee Bone Man was smiling, laughing, and having the time of his life.  Finally the last remaining demon’s fingers started smoking, and he spontaneously ignited and dissolved into ashes right in front of them all.

Tee Bone Man exhaled, put down his guitar and said, “Man, now I could use a bottle of scotch!”

The Snowman replied, “I’m sorry. All I have is some Cold Gin.”.

Superdekes smiled and said, “Man, what an idiot.”

The three were suddenly startled by a massive explosion!  From the smoke, Satan himself appeared.  He froze as he saw Tee Bone Man and Superdekes standing there ready to fight.  “Woah, Woah! Hold on there guys.  I’m not going to hurt you.”

Superdekes asked “Then why are you here…do you want another autograph?”

“No, No.  Nothing like that”, Satan explained.  “I am only here to plea with the Snowman, to let me listen to the music.  It is not fair you are the only one that can hear it.”

The Snowman smiled, “Sure man!  C’mon on in and let’s crank this mother.”

Tee Bone stood in amazement.  “Once again, I have to say it.  Why didn’t he just ask first?”  He shook his head.  Satan’s gonna Satan.

Emerging from his second house with a CD player, and disc 1 of 666, the Snowman plugged in and pressed play.  He and Satan sat listening in strange silence.  Some unreadable facial expressions raced across Satan’s face, only to disappear as suddenly as they appeared.  After two and a half songs, Satan stood up and screamed. “This is pure and utter crap!  You can have it all to yourself. I’m outta here!”  And just like that Satan was gone!

Everyone laughed.  The Snowman thanked both Tee Bone Man and Superdekes for their help.  “You’re welcome Snowman, but rethink your security detail next time,” advised Superdekes.  He got on his bike, while Tee Bone Man strapped his guitar to his back preparing for flight.  But as they were getting ready to leave, Tee Bone Man turned and asked the Snowman, “Has anyone told you that you look like Richard Dreyfuss?”

NEXT TIME:  Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp!

Foreshadowing: The Adventures of Tee Bone Man

Is that Richard Dreyfuss?  Or….

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man And The Rink Of… Doom? (By Aaron KMA)

CHAPTER FOUR:  TEE BONE MAN AND THE RINK OF… DOOM?

by Aaron

Tee Bone Man was exhausted. Going to hell will do that to a guy. Our masked hero was collapsed on a chaise lounge of rock in the basement of Deke’s Palace, drinking fine scotch with the ever-amazing hero Superdekes, his trusty partner in (repeatedly) saving the world.

Superdekes was saying something wise and interesting about Eddie Van Halen’s tapping technique on the guitar, and Tee Bone Man was trying desperately to pay attention, but he was falling asleep. Being Canadian, he naturally felt bad about being rude, but unconsciousness was very quickly gripping him despite his best intentions. What was going on? And then….

Where was he? This wasn’t Deke’s Palace. Superdekes wasn’t there. This didn’t even look like Earth… It was a vast, darkened room with a high ceiling, an echo that was only exacerbated by the cement floor. As Tee Bone Man’s eyes adjusted to the darkness of his surroundings, though, he saw a score clock, hanging from the ceiling of the room. He saw white boards with yellow dashers and thick glass around the top, with ads on them… he was standing at the hash marks of a hockey rink. In summer, clearly, because the floor was cement rather than ice.

Even though he knew he was dreaming, in that weird dream logic he also knew that this experience was completely real and his heightened super senses put his guard up immediately. His exhaustion vanished as his eyes darted around and his ears strained to pick up any noise of danger in the empty space.

Suddenly the score clock lit up, and loud music began blaring through the rink. The message on the board read Welcome To Your Doom, Tee Bone Man!, and the timer on the clock started counting down from ten minutes. Moving to the center ice circle, Tee Bone Man walked around the clock from underneath, but saw nothing of danger, no bomb, no guns, no evil henchmen. Not even a single demon to be found.  Then he heard laughter echoing around the massive space, and saw a light come on in the announcer booth above the stands at center ice. A silhouetted figure stood there, arms wide, laughing.

The music stopped and a gravelly voice came over the PA, still laughing, saying “Welcome to your demise, Tee Bone Man. You have been brought here to be decimated once and for all. There is no escape. Your time is running out, now less than nine minutes. Your end will do the world a favour!”

Facing the dark figure, Tee Bone Man struck the most awesome super hero pose ever, and said loudly “Who are you? Why are you doing this? Stop this madness at once!” The voice boomed overhead, “You know who I am, you love to hate me. I am a hero myself, but the heel of every situation. I am a friend, but also always the enemy. It is time for me to be the hero, and to do that I must end you to make way. Good bye, Tee Bone Man.” And with that the light in the announcer booth went dark, leaving Tee Bone Man alone at center ice with an inexorably ticking clock overhead.

His eyes having fully adjusted to the dark, Tee Bone Man made a quick survey of his surroundings. Nothing impeded him from free movement on the floor of the rink, so he headed towards the zamboni gate but found it locked. Quickly crossing the floor to the far side again, he headed to the team benches, hopped the boards, then climbed the shorter glass into the bleachers. Taking the stairs three at a time, he made his way up into the concourse. All the concessions were closed. Damn. A pretzel at the end of everything would’ve been nice, would’ve helped him think.

Running around the concourse to the announcer booth, Tee Bone Man was able to see the clock ticking down, now under eight minutes. As he ran, he thought about this situation. He knew it was a dream but it felt so real. Who was the figure in the announcer booth? What would he find when he got there? Rounding the last corner of the walkway, the announcer booth came into view. Tee Bone Man slowed up and started a cautious approach. No one was visible. He ducked down a few rows into the stands and approached the booth from underneath. Less than seven minutes now as he crouched and watched for any sign of movement, any booby traps or henchmen. There was nothing.

It seemed he was alone in the building. Had the figure already left? And if so, why did bad guys do this? Why construct some elaborate death trap and then leave a full ten minutes for the good guy to figure it out. And why leave, so there’s no way of confirming you’d been successful? He supposed that this was why the bad guys were always caught: they weren’t necessarily always the brightest.

Seeing no movement, he crept forward as the clock ticked past six minutes. Soon he was directly underneath the announcer booth. He carefully climbed the steps and, constantly checking his surroundings for booby traps and attack, he approached the booth. The door was locked. But now he heard a faint struggling sound behind the door. Looking around, he saw the handle of an old Sherwood hockey stick, solid wood and missing its blade, leaning against the wall. Grabbing it, with now five minutes left on the clock, he smashed the door knob with one mighty, well-aimed swing of the stick, surely a five minute major penalty so hefty was that swing. The door swung open slowly, revealing the gloomy interior of the booth.  The struggling sound got louder.

Rushing into the room, expecting a fight with the mysterious figure, Tee Bone found only a different figure, tied up, lying on the floor. Flicking on the light switch, he saw Superdekes bound and gagged, lying at his feet. Quickly undoing the bindings, our two heroes got caught up. “Thanks, Tee Bone, that was a close one.” Quickly scanning his pal for injury, Tee Bone Man asked him “What happened? Who tied you up? Why are you here? Does this feel like a dream to you too?” Rubbing his wrists to return circulation after being bound, Superdekes said “I don’t know who is doing this. I was drinking scotch and then woke up here, tied, in this dark room. I’m very glad you found me. As for being a dream, yeah, it all feels unreal somehow.” Tee Bone Man recapped his own story so far, and then the two heroes talked about next moves. There was now three and a half minutes left on the clock. They left the booth to search for clues.

With two better able to cover ground than one, they pair quickly searched the main areas of the concourse and found nothing of danger. With less than two minutes on the clock, they found themselves near the exit to the rear parking lot. Behind them was the door to the dressing rooms. “C’mon, Superdekes, we need to check here as well.” Our intrepid heroes, well aware that time was running out, crept through the door and down the hall to the team dressing room. Slowly pushing open the dressing room door, they found the light on but no one in view. Relaxing slightly, Superdekes was just turning to Tee Bone Man to say this was a dead end when wham-o, he was crosschecked from behind! Tee Bone Man swung around to face the assailant and saw a short, strong man in a black hood standing over Superdekes!

“Tee Bone Man, you found me! Your time is almost up!” Looking at a watch on his wrist the figure laughed and said “Less than a minute now!” Moving faster than he’d ever moved, Tee Bone Man sprang forward, swinging the Sherwood stick handle he’d never set down, catching the villain flatfooted with a mighty blow to the chest, sending him to the floor. Superdekes was getting up, stretching out his sore back and looking for revenge as Tee Bone Man stood over the figure. Kneeling on their assailant’s chest, Tee Bone Man snatched the black hood off the figure’s head to reveal… Brad Marchand! The evil Bruins forward, notorious rat, shit disturber and face licker, now holding up his hands in self-defense, crying now that it was all a joke and he’d meant no harm. Grabbing Marchand’s wrist, Tee Bone Man saw on the watch that the time had elapsed to zero but there’d been no explosion, no consequence at all.

Grabbing Marchand by the front of his collar and yanking hard, Tee Bone Man hauled Marchand up and, with fire in his eyes that was a look that could kill if there ever was one, shouted “What happened here? The clock’s run out, what happened? Speak, you fiend!” Marchand looked pained and fearful, repeating “Nothing! Nothing! It’s never anything! I was just trying to have some fun…” Quickly binding Marchand’s hands, our dynamic duo turned around to see police officers filling the hallway and bursting into the room. The day was saved. Marchand was taken away to serve his time, and our heroes were free to go home to try to make sense of it all.

 


Tee Bone Man started awake on the chaise lounge in Deke’s Palace. There was an empty bottle of scotch on the table, and Superdekes was just coming around as well. “Man, I had the weirdest dream, just now,” said Tee Bone Man. “You were in it, and we were in the Owen Sound rink, and…” Superdekes nodded and said “I know, I was there. I remember it all too.” They looked at each other a moment. “But that was a dream, so how…” Superdekes shook his head. “I dunno, brother, but I’m nursing a pretty good headache at the moment, and the one thing that helps with that is the good ol’ hockey game, the best game you can name…” And with that he snapped on the TV and there were the Toronto Maple Leafs facing off against the Boston Bruins! And the announcer was just saying, as they tuned in, “…and the Bruins will be without their star forward Brad Marchand tonight, out with a concussion sustained in the Bruins last game against the Rangers…”

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes started laughing, and settled in to watch the game. Tee Bone Man cracked a new bottle of scotch and Superdekes passed Tee Bone Man a pretzel.