Harrison and Mike have always prided ourselves in our “NO AI!” stance when it comes to our art.ย (Not just visual of course, but also the written word.)ย Much like Queen with their “Nobody played synthesizer,” we have caved – partially – on AI usage in the Northern Lights series.
Harrison and Mike wanted to begin including multiversal variants of ourselves in the Northern Lights based on the concept of us being crew members on one of the Enterprises.ย This reminded me that in 1993, I drew a comic of me as a shuttlecraft pilot.ย It would fit seamlessly into the Northern Lights multiverse with little alteration – just some changes to the front cover to give it a Northern Lights comic header.ย But damn, was it ugly when I scanned it.ย Blue ink on lined paper, bleeding through to the other side.
“Could you clean it up and colour it, Harrison?”
“I could but it would take a lot of time.”
“Well, we’re trying to reduce your workload, not increase it.ย I hate to say it, but I’m going to ask AI to clean it up and colour it.”
Which is what I did.ย I went to…(I can’t believe I’m admitting all this, but I always to my best to be transparent with my work)…I went to Chat GPT and entered this instruction.
“I drew this comic based on Star Trek.ย Please clean it up and colour it.”
That sent me down a rabbit hole.ย I did not keep track of how many revisions I had to tell it to make in order to get something presentable.ย I learned quickly that AI cannot make simple changes to your image without redrawing it completely, and this means something that looked OK on the last revision looks wrong now.ย But let’s start with what I got when I told AI to clean it up and colour it in.
I got:ย A female me in one panel, constantly changing uniform colours, Geordi’s skin tone being inconsistent from panel to panel, and a continuous lack of understanding of what Geordi’s visor actually was.ย AI had multiple visors in most panels, and I had to settle for what I was getting.ย In the end, I used Microsoft Paint to cut and past the best renditions into one panel, because AI kept changing my face and making me more conventional.ย See image below:
Then we moved onto the cover image, which AI never got right and I had to give up and finish it manually.ย I asked it to clean up the cover image, and colour it similarly to the last one.ย I also asked it to remember that my character was the same person as the prior image, so it wouldn’t make me female again.ย (I was hot.)ย The AI got it more or less right, and then I wanted to make selective changes here and there.ย Only I couldn’t.ย The straw that broke the camel’s back was that AI could not change the title box on the left without changing everything else.ย You can see the image below is what I was left with when I gave up.ย All I wanted to do was change the title box on the top left!ย It cannot do that.ย It continually changed the shape of the Enterprise, the face of the alien, and my face as well, going further and further away from my original on every attempt.ย A huge fail for AI.ย The alien in particular got creepier and more vampire-like on some revisions.
It’s also worth noting that AI took many liberties in cleaning and colouring my image.ย It knew to darken the background and make the stars white.ย It added more stars, and two planets that I did not ask for.ย It removed panel lines that I wanted on the alien’s UFO.ย It changed my face quite a bit, and I had to continually tell it to make the face look more like my original sketch.ย The text was formatted by the AI to look more like a comic, but I liked it and it wasn’t worth customizing.ย I had reached the point where AI couldn’t get closer to what I wanted without ruining everything we had already got.ย ย Diminishing returns.
Then, I went in for a second round of edits, to further hone in on what I wanted.ย In the end I finally got close enough for rock and roll.
In a perfect world, I would have preferred to have Harrison clean up and colour the originals manually, but that wasn’t feasible.ย To see what AI made, click here.ย Thank you for your understanding or scorn, whichever it may be.
Mikeย
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:ย PHASE ONE โ THE SQUIRREL SAGAย
Harrison and Mike have always prided ourselves in our “NO AI!” stance when it comes to our art.ย (Not just visual of course, but also the written word.)ย Much like Queen with their “Nobody played synthesizer,” we have caved – partially – on AI usage in the Northern Lights series.
Harrison and Mike wanted to begin including multiversal variants of ourselves in the Northern Lights based on the concept of us being crew members on one of the Enterprises.ย This reminded me that in 1993, I drew a comic of me as a shuttlecraft pilot.ย It would fit seamlessly into the Northern Lights multiverse with little alteration – just some changes to the front cover to give it a Northern Lights comic header.ย But damn, was it ugly when I scanned it.ย Blue ink on lined paper, bleeding through to the other side.
“Could you clean it up and colour it, Harrison?”
“I could but it would take a lot of time.”
“Well, we’re trying to reduce your workload, not increase it.ย I hate to say it, but I’m going to ask AI to clean it up and colour it.”
Which is what I did.ย I went to…(I can’t believe I’m admitting all this, but I always to my best to be transparent with my work)…I went to Chat GPT and entered this instruction.
“I drew this comic based on Star Trek.ย Please clean it up and colour it.”
That sent me down a rabbit hole.ย I did not keep track of how many revisions I had to tell it to make in order to get something presentable.ย I learned quickly that AI cannot make simple changes to your image without redrawing it completely, and this means something that looked OK on the last revision looks wrong now.ย But let’s start with what I got when I told AI to clean it up and colour it in.
I got:ย A female me in one panel, constantly changing uniform colours, Geordi’s skin tone being inconsistent from panel to panel, and a continuous lack of understanding of what Geordi’s visor actually was.ย AI had multiple visors in most panels, and I had to settle for what I was getting.ย In the end, I used Microsoft Paint to cut and past the best renditions into one panel, because AI kept changing my face and making me more conventional.ย See image below:
Then we moved onto the cover image, which AI never got right and I had to give up and finish it manually.ย I asked it to clean up the cover image, and colour it similarly to the last one.ย I also asked it to remember that my character was the same person as the prior image, so it wouldn’t make me female again.ย (I was hot.)ย The AI got it more or less right, and then I wanted to make selective changes here and there.ย Only I couldn’t.ย The straw that broke the camel’s back was that AI could not change the title box on the left without changing everything else.ย You can see the image below is what I was left with when I gave up.ย All I wanted to do was change the title box on the top left!ย It cannot do that.ย It continually changed the shape of the Enterprise, the face of the alien, and my face as well, going further and further away from my original on every attempt.ย A huge fail for AI.ย The alien in particular got creepier and more vampire-like on some revisions.
It’s also worth noting that AI took many liberties in cleaning and colouring my image.ย It knew to darken the background and make the stars white.ย It added more stars, and two planets that I did not ask for.ย It removed panel lines that I wanted on the alien’s UFO.ย It changed my face quite a bit, and I had to continually tell it to make the face look more like my original sketch.ย The text was formatted by the AI to look more like a comic, but I liked it and it wasn’t worth customizing.ย I had reached the point where AI couldn’t get closer to what I wanted without ruining everything we had already got.ย ย Diminishing returns.
Then, I went in for a second round of edits, to further hone in on what I wanted.ย In the end I finally got close enough for rock and roll.
In a perfect world, I would have preferred to have Harrison clean up and colour the originals manually, but that wasn’t feasible.ย In the end, I do feel a weird sense of satisfaction, seeing a close approximation of my 1993 cartoon, coloured and cleaned.ย Thank you for your understanding or scorn, whichever it may be.
THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga
Chapter Eight: Georgia On My Mind
“There is no way I’m driving to Georgia,” said Mike as he sat at his desk at Northern Lights HQ.ย He leaned back in his chair and waited for someone else on the call to speak.ย As it turns out, it was Jex Rambo who spoke first.
“Mon ami, you are the one amongst us that knows him the most.ย It has to be you!”ย Jex had a point there, but he was also missing the point.ย Mike was getting testy and frustrated.
“Hello!!ย McFly!”ย Mike made a mock-knocking motion towards his camera.ย “I’m not disputing that!ย It’s the driving I’m objecting to!ย I’ll go to Georgia, begrudgingly, but I’m not going by road.ย You set me up with a jet, a spaceship, I don’t care what it is as long as it gets me there quickly without having to stop for gas.”ย Mike stood firm.ย “Or charging!” he added, thinking of all the alternatives.
Tim Durling, head of the Durling Foundation, shook his head.ย “The world is in a state of chaos right now.ย I’m not eager to violate US air space today, even with the stealth jet.”
From his screen in Owen Sound Ontario, where he was currently stationed, Jex raised a hand.ย “I have an idea!ย Georgia is on the coast – Can we have Mike go by sea?ย The King of Sharks has been standing by for weeks, waiting to be sent on a summer mission.”
Durling snapped his fingers.ย “That’s a brilliant idea, musclehead!ย Alert Rob Daniels.ย Tell him to suit up and prepare for a mission.ย And Mike, you’ll need backup.ย The Snowman’s resources are bottomless, even with his recent and very expensive move to his new location in Georgia.ย And…he strikes me as slightly unstable.”
“He’s crazy, sir,” said Mike.ย “Let’s not mince words.ย The man is nutty as a fruitcake.”
Durling nodded.ย “Pick your team.ย You have the King of Sharks, and who else?ย Pick your third.”
Mike considered for a moment.ย As much as he enjoyed working with his sister Dr. K and her army of Schnauzers, the idea of being at sea with a pack of terriers made him queasy.ย Harrison, unfortunately, was unavailable on a side quest with Ripper the Squirrel.ย Aaron was busy…Jex and the Night Ranger were with Aaron…the list was shortening.
“I’ll take…I’ll take Bernard,” sighed Mike.
“You want to take a guy who wears steel armor over the water?ย I don’t think that’s wise,” said Tim.ย “Besides he doesn’t carry electronic devices and we can’t reach him very quickly.”
“Fine!” shouted Mike in exasperation.ย “We both know there’s only one guy who’s available and on call right now.ย I’ll take…I’ll take Max the Axe.”
Durling smiled.ย “He’s kind of a big deal.ย Jex, make the arrangements.ย Get Mike and Max to the coast immediately where they will rendezvous with the King of Sharks.”
“Copy that,” said Jex.ย “Over and out.”ย Jex disconnected.
Durling turned to Mike.ย “Mike, this might be your most dangerous mission yet.ย It’s up to you.ย Only you can find out if the Snowman has betrayed us.ย Godspeed, sir.”ย Tim disconnected.
Mike sat alone on the front deck staring at his blank screen.ย Snowman could be a traitor, and his backup was Max the Axe.ย What a mission.
“Great…” he sighed.
Max the Axe stood ready at Kincardine Harbour.ย He waved as the yellow Volkswagen Beetle with the bright red Autobot logo approached.ย Max was packing his axe guitar, and a large duffle bag.ย The Beetle kicked up dust and came to a stop right by Max’s bag.ย The passenger door opened and out stepped mission-ready Mike.
“Thanks for the ride, Dr. K!” he said as he slammed the door shut.ย Dr. K drove off, leaving Mike to get re-acquainted with Max the Axe.
“How’s it going man!” said Max, leaning in for a hug.”ย “I got two new hips you know!ย Titanium!ย Like on the Titanic!”
“The Titanic wasn’t make of titanium, Max,” said Mike as he returned the hug.ย “Good to see you though.ย I can smell that you got the skunk out of your clothes.”
“Yeah!ย And I brought you some presents too!” said Max.
“Save the gifts for later, we don’t want to unpack until we’re on board,” instructed Mike.ย He looked around.ย The harbour was busy today, with tourist boats and fishing vessels, but no sign of Rob Daniels, King of the Sharks.ย “Do you have any idea what we’re waiting for?” he asked.
“Nope,” said Max.ย “Durling just said to wait here, and Daniels would pick us up.”
The pair waited a while.ย It was a beautiful day and Mike regretted that he had to leave.ย But duty called.ย The lake was a stunning vibrant blue.ย Gulls circled overhead.ย A kid was flying a red kite, which dove and sailed in the sky above.ย Max was sweating under his heavy head of hair.
“I’m gonna go for a quick swim,” announced Max.ย He took off his black T-shirt and shoes as he made his way towards the sparkling water.ย Testing his new hips, he slowly and cautiously stepped.
“Great,” sighed Mike again.ย “My backup, who is recovering from hip surgery, has decided to go for a swim.ย This is gonna go great.”ย Max was now in the water, splashing and waving.ย “At least he’s having a good time,” said Mike.
“Hey ladies,” shouted Max to a nearby gaggle of splashing girls.ย “I’m kind of a big deal!” he finished, but had none of their attention.ย Suddenly though, a large wave began to form several meters out at sea.
“SHARK!ย SHARK!” yelled Max as he and his titanium hips quickly made their way out of the water.ย This time the girls listened, as the wave grew larger and closer.
“Ah, this must be our ride,” said Mike as he picked up his belongings.ย “C’Mon Max!ย Shirt up – our ride is here!”
Indeed, the Brainiac was right, for heading towards the beach was a sleek, shiny black mechanical shark!ย It was the size of a decent submarine.ย It could only belong to the King of Sharks himself, Robert Daniels.ย As the mechanical shark beached, its mouth opened to form an egress.ย In the gaping maw stood Rob, in his full battle gear with trident at hand.
“All aboard!” shouted Rob.ย Max was toweling off, but Mike wasn’t waiting for him.ย Running up the bottom jaw, which was now a ramp, Mike hugged his old friend.
“Good to see you again Rob,” said Mike with a pat on the back.ย “This is going to be a fun trip.”
Rob shook Max’s hand as he boarded.ย “Hi Max, welcome aboard the HMS Visions In Sound, my ship.”ย He turned his attention back to Mike.ย “Is it going to be a fun trip?ย My orders were to take you to the Snowman’s new headquarters in Georgia, and investigate him as the possible leak in the Northern Lights.”
Suddenly Max’s eyes opened wide in attention.ย “Leak?ย This shark has a leak?”
Mike shook his head.ย “No, Max.ย We think Snowman is the guy who has been leaking our intel.ย We’re going to find out.”
Max nodded in understanding, Rob had questions.
“How come we don’t just feed Snowman some bogus intelligence?ย Then we’ll know if he’s the leak for sure.”
“Not necessarily, Rob.ย We think the enemy got the info they were after when they attacked me at summer HQ, and have ceased operations.ย Also, of all of us, I have known Snowman the longest and I felt that I should deal with this personally, this time.”ย Mike was serious.ย He had known the man called John Snow for 15 years.ย He didn’t relish this meeting, but it had to happen.
“Well, if we’re all aboard now, I’ll show you to your guest quarters and we can get underway,” said Rob.
“Aye-aye, Captain!” said Max with a salute.ย He quickly sauntered off to look at Rob’s impressive soundtrack library, adorning the walls inside the shark.
“Don’t touch the soundtracks with wet hands!” asked Rob.ย “And don’t play the pipe organ either!”ย Indeed, towards the front cabin was a mighty, massive pipe organ.
“Impressive!” said Mike, nodding in approval.ย “Most impressive!ย Batten down the hatches and make for the ocean!”
Cruising at an impressive speed, Rob’s shark, the HMS Visions In Sound, made its way through the Great Lakes locks, into the St. Lawrence River and out to sea.ย When there were storms, it simply sailed beneath the tempests.ย Thus far it had been an uneventful, though scenic, trip.ย Captain Rob chose a route that allowed them to observe several remarkable shipwrecks.ย He played a number of soundtracks from his personal collection.ย Meanwhile, Max had somehow managed to get permission to play the pipe organ, which he did – quite well, in fact.ย It was, all things considered, quite a pleasant mission so far!
The calm was broken by a flashing light.
“What’s that?” asked Mike, pointing.
“Proximity light,” answered the Captain.ย “That means we’re approaching American waters.”
“Already?ย Wow…” said Mike, amazed at how quickly they made it to Georgia.ย “After we land in Savannah, we’ll need to make our way to the Stone Mountains, three hours from Atlanta.ย They’re actually made of granite! Mr. Durling should have some local transportation pre-arranged for us.”
Rob sat a moment and pondered a question.ย “Are you saying we’re going to be on American soil, illegally?”
Mike answered with confidence.ย “Oh sure, but we’ve done that for virtually every US mission so far!ย We have to stay under their radar.ย I’m not at liberty to discuss the details, but it is imperative that US government agents don’t know we are here.”
“And if something goes wrong and we’re arrested?” asked Rob with concern.
“It won’t come to that,” assured Mike.
“Unless John Snow is the traitor?” pressed Rob.
“…Yeah, unless John Snow is the traitor and turns us in.ย But he won’t.ย I have…a feeling…about it.ย I’ve been getting premonitions recently.ย We will be OK.ย And if Snowman does call the fuzz on us, Durling assures me he has an extraction plan.”
“Well I don’t share your optimism,” revealed Rob.
“Trust the Force!” said Mike.ย “Also, doesn’t the King of the Sharks have any kind of diplomatic immunity?”
“The ‘King’ title is more of an honorific, bestowed upon me by the sharks themselves.ย I have their loyalty, and they have mine.ย But on land?ย I’m as vulnerable as you are, and subject to law.”
“It’ll be OK,” shushed Mike.
An alarm sounded.
“What’s that now?” asked Mike.
Rob checked his coordinates and confirmed.ย “We are now in American coastal waters.ย Full stealth mode is active.”
“A stealth shark.ย Who would have imagined?” said Mike.ย “Hey Maxie!ย Lay off the organ.ย It’s mission time.”
Max the Axe hit a few final notes.ย A new masterpiece.ย He tied his hair up in a ponytail.ย Not exactly navy regulation, but nobody was going by the book on this mission.
Rob began giving orders.ย “Max, I want you on sonar.”ย He pointed towards a console.ย “Mike, I need you at battle stations.”
“Cool!” said Mike.ย “What is this thing armed with?ย Torpedoes?”
“That and more,” answered Captain Rob.ย “My greatest advantage is an ocean full of sharks.ย They’re violent creatures, but effective.”
Max and Mike familiarized themselves with their stations and Rob took the shark up a few hundred feet.ย A school of curious jellyfish trailed them harmlessly.ย It was beautiful under the sea.
“Hey look!ย It’s James Cameron!” said Mike, pointing out a porthole.ย “Just kidding.”
“Hah-hah,” deadpanned Rob, while Max tried to find James Cameron on his sonar.
“Found him!!” cried Max in victory, looking in deep concentration at his sonar.
“Wait…found who, Max?” queried the Captain.
“Mike said James Cameron.ย That must be him on my radar,” answered Max, pointing.
Rob ran over to the sonar station and looked.ย “That’s not James Cameron!ย That’s a Colossal Squid!”
“Dangerous?” asked Mike with concern.
“Unknown,” answered Rob truthfully.ย “These creatures are so rare that they’re almost never seen, and only fleetingly.ย We’re about to get a close-up.”ย Rob paused a moment.ย “Yet we’re not deep enough to be in its natural habitat.”
“It’s following us!” theorized Max.
“I can’t rule that out…” said Rob with great concern.
“It’s gaining on us!” said Max as he checked his sonar again.
“Rob, if you summon a school of sharks, they can take that thing down,” suggested Mike.
“I’d prefer a non-lethal solution!ย This is a rare, endangered species.ย We have to avoid harming it.”ย Rob considered his options while Mike stood ready at the weapons bay should they be needed.
“Mike, fire a blast of compressed air straight aft!” commanded the Captain.
“Aye aye, Cap” said Mike as he locked and loaded.ย “Fire!”
From the rear of their craft, a large bubble of compressed air shot straight and true.ย The squid swam straight into it, but quickly recovered and resumed pursuit.
“Squid still behind us Cap!” said Max on sonar.ย “Further behind, but speeding up again!”
“He thinks we’re food!” shouted Mike.
Rob snapped his fingers.ย “Who said it’s a he?ย It could be a female, protecting its young!”
“Can we use that to our advantage?” asked Mike.
“Let’s try it.ย Launch the probe!ย Send it directly behind us, retracing our course!ย If we disturbed this squid’s territory, we might be able to scare it into returning to protect its eggs.ย Turn on all its tracking lights and let it loose!”
Mike found the controls and settings.ย With the press of a button, he launched the probe directly aft.ย With speed, it sailed directly behind the squid, and into the cold black depths.ย The squid turned a moment and stopped.ย And then, just as hoped, it turned to pursue the probe!ย Max confirmed all this via his sonar console.
“High five!” cried Max.ย “Your plan worked, Cap’n!”
“Well, let’s not congratulate anyone yet,” cautioned Rob.ย “The sea gives as easily as it takes away.ย Without bias, at its whim.”
“Woah…” said Max in contemplation.
“Alright, stations on alert.ย Keep your eyes open people!ย On course for Savannah, Georgia!” commanded Rob.
They travelled silently beneath the waters for several minutes without incident, when suddenly Max spotted something on sonar.
“Uhhh, guys, our friend is back,” he warned.ย “And I think she’s mad.”
Indeed, the same blip had returned, and it was moving faster than ever.ย Mike ran to a rear porthole to see if he could catch a view.
“Oh shit…” said Mike.ย He could see blazing lights following behind.ย The lights of their probe.ย “That thing got our probe and she’s right behind us again.”
The squid discarded the broken probe, pushed out a cloud of ink, and accelerated.
“Captain with respect, I think we need that lethal option,” said Mike to Rob.
“Not yet!” cautioned Rob.ย “We’re not out of tricks.ย Stand by.ย Max, how many meters?
Max studied his console.ย “It says she’s only 35 meters behind us!ย No…33…no…32.”
“Mike, stand by to electrify!” ordered the Captain.
“I know where you’re going with this, I’ve seen 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea too!” answered Mike.ย “Standing by!”ย He held his hand over the switch.
Moments later, the sub shuddered as the squid grasped it!ย They came to a lurking halt!ย The hull groaned.
“ACTIVATE!” shouted Rob.ย Mike hit the switch and the interior lights went out!ย Red emergency lights came on as the hull electrified!ย The squid, caught by surprise, ejected a cloud of ink and released the sub.
A light flashed on a panel.ย Rob leaped from his seat and looked with alarm.ย “We leaking in the aft quarter!ย I’m sealing those sections off and attempting to pump out the water!”ย Rob furiously worked the control panel.ย “Mike, take the helm!”
Mike jumped from the weapons console and took the center seat.ย Electricity returned to the bridge, and every control panel began screaming.
“Uhh, Rob,” said Mike with urgency.ย “Looks like we’re descending fast!ย I’m trying to pull up, but the control surfaces aren’t responding!ย I think that squid did more damage than we realized.”
“Max, what’s our location?” asked the Captain.
“Uhhh…about two clicks from shore…” answered the Axe.
Rob considered his options.ย “Control surfaces are barely working…OK, Mike, keep her nose up.ย I’m changing into my diving suit.ย Once I am changed, then I’ll take over the controls, and you change.ย Max, get into your diving suit.ย We’re disembarking.”
“Copy that!” said Max.
Five minutes later, the trio had suited up.ย Rob led the way to the airlock, and opened the outer hatch.ย One by one, the three swam out of the shark sub.ย From there, they could see the damage.ย The rear was crushed.ย Air bubbled out from numerous panels.ย The HMS Visions In Sound was going down.ย Rob saluted the good ship as it cruised, empty, towards the bottom.
Rob snickered in his diving mask.ย “Swim?ย No.ย We ride!”
The three divers noticed another trio swiftly approaching.ย Three hammerhead sharks!ย With some trepidation, Mike and Max each mounted a shark.ย Rob was in total control of the majestic beasts.ย To them, the hammerheads gently nuzzled them in a friendly manner.ย It was remarkable.
“If only Jacques Cousteau could see this!” exclaimed Max.
“You’re right, Max!” said Rob.ย “Now just hold on and let the sharks do the swimming!”
“Wooooo hoo!” shouted Mike as the trio shot off in the water.
It was a scene as if from an Avatar movie.ย The three riders held steady on their undersea mounts.ย In what seemed like mere minutes, they were in sight of the shore.
“Stay under the water,” instructed Mike.ย “We can’t be spotted.ย Find a secluded location for us to land.”
“I see a small cove ahead,” said Rob, who today truly was the King of Sharks.ย “Wait a sec…what’s that?”
“I see it too.ย What is that?” answered Mike.
The three slowed their approach as they spotted something very strange on the seafloor ahead.
“Is that…that’s an undersea internet cable, isn’t it?” asked Mike.
Rob, using the HUD (Heads Up Display) in his helmet, examined the anomaly before them.ย “It looks like an undersea data cable,” said Rob.ย “But it’s unregistered on any records.ย It’s not supposed to be there.”
“Don’t worry about it then,” said Max.ย “Let’s keep going.”
“Wait a minute…not yet.ย This cable starts here in Savannah.”ย Mike was thinking.ย “Rob, can you send some sharks to follow this cable and see where it ends?”ย Mike could see it bent and went south.
“Easily!” answered the King of Sharks.ย In moments, a squad of great whites arrived for their instructions.ย Then, they bore due south, following the undersea cables the men had discovered.
“Why are we wasting time on this?” asked Max impatiently.ย “I want to be back on land.”
“Just a hunch,” answered Mike.ย “I’ve been having a lot of hunches lately and they’re usually right.ย Rob, how long before we hear back from the sharks?”
“Several hours at least,” answered Rob.
“OK.ย Let’s press ahead.ย Let’s follow this cable to land, if we can.”ย Mike pointed the way forward, and the three rode their hammerheads towards shore.
Only a few meters from the shoreline, the undersea cable disappeared under rocks.ย Presumably, it continued underground from there.
“Damn,” said a frustrated Mike.ย “Any ideas?”
Rob spoke up.ย “Yes, I think we resume our primary mission, which is contacting the Snowman.ย Call Mr. Durling, and tell him to send a car with some dry clothes.ย Let’s get ashore, out of these suits and get to the Stone Mountains.”
“Good plan, Captain,” said Max.
The three stood at a roadside.ย A black limousine pulled up to take them to their destination.ย Now in clean clothes, and playing the soundtrack to James Cameron’s The Abyss in the background, they enjoyed a brief respite before resuming their mission.ย Rested and refreshed, they were all in better moods.
Before long, they had arrived at the Stone Mountains.ย Snowman owned the whole nature preserve.ย He had really done well here.ย The land was beautiful.
“This is it,” knocked Mike on the limo driver’s window.ย “This is Snowman’s address.ย His lair, so to speak.”
The three disembarked the limo and looked at a driveway that seemingly led into a mountainside.ย A callbox was installed on the cliff face.ย Mike shrugged and walked over.ย Pushing the button on the callbox, he spoke.
“Hello?ย This is Mike, Max the Axe, and Rob Daniels.ย We’re friends of the Snowman and we wanted to check out his new place.”
Immediately, a giant opening appeared in the mountain face!ย Large enough to drive several vehicles through.
“After you,” said Max.ย Mike led the trio into the mountain.ย The door closed behind them.ย The interior was spacious, well lit and made entirely of granite.
Rob looked around.ย “I dunno Mike…this is like the supervillain’s lair in a Bond film.”
“Well, he’s eccentric,” shrugged Mike.ย There were at least a dozen supercars here.ย “This must be his garage…look, he even has the KISS Plymouth Prowler.”ย Indeed, Snowman had an immaculate KISS Prowler, with trailer, just sitting there in this mountain.
As if on cue, the Snowman appeared from an elevator.ย “GENTLEMEN!ย So good to see you!ย Come in!ย Have some sweet tea and Simmons Soda with me!”ย Then, Snowman ran to Mike and gave him a big hug.ย “Old friend, always good to see you!”
“A version of me, at least!” said Mike.ย Come here man…give me a bigger hug.”ย The two embraced.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to you being back,” said Snowman.ย “A couple of years ago I watched you die in my arms.ย You never quite get over watching one of your friends die.”
“It’s all good Snowman, I’m here just like old times.ย ย As if it never happened!” said Mike, who was a multiversal variant of himself known colloquially as ‘Brainiac II’.ย “Trust me, I know.ย In my universe, of all of us, I was the only survivor.ย Until Harrison arrived and brought me here.ย I know loss better than anyone.ย But enough of that.ย How was your move to Georgia?”
“It was awful!ย I had to sell the Super Duper Vault,” said a saddened John.ย “Not one transportation company was willing to ship it here into the mountains.ย So I sold it.ย There was only one buyer dumb enough to pay.ย Scott Ian.ย From Anthrax.”
“Makes sense,” said Mike.
Snowman showed them to the elevator.ย He hit a button, and they were on their way up to the penthouse on the 100th floor.
“This place is amazing,” said Max in wonder.
“It sure is John.ย How much did you pay for this place?” asked Rob.
“A lot more than Scott Ian paid for the Super Duper Vault,” answered John.ย “Let’s just say that I’ll still be paying for it long after I’m dead!”
The penthouse was beautiful.ย It was a room atop a mountain, with open spaces and a stream running through.ย It was a stunning sight.ย In the center of an open space was a table with four servings of sweet tea.
“This is familiar,” said Mike.
The four sat and enjoyed the breeze.
“So what really brings you here?” asked Snowman.ย “This is a long way to come for a casual housewarming visit.”
Rob began to speak, but Mike interrupted with a question of his own.
“Just curious John…who installed your internet here?ย It must have been quite a challenge to get service in the Stone Mountain like this.ย Solid granite!”
John grumbled a bit.ย “Oh, that was a pain!ย This new company came to install the internet.ย They were called Prime Nemesis Internet Service.
Mike was startled.ย “What?ย Prime Nemesis?”
“Something like that.ย Nemesis Prime, maybe.ย Anyway, they were jerks!ย They sent two robots to install it.ย Not even humans!ย Two guys named Mr. Rumble and Mr. Frenzy or something stupid.ย ย Total jerks.ย I asked to speak to their boss!ย They claimed their boss’ name was Mr. Soundwave.ย Can you believe that?ย And then after they installed the internet, everything started running super slow!”ย I do not recommend Prime Nemesis Internet.ย I think they went bankrupt, because I can’t contact them anymore.”
“Can you show us what they installed, John?” asked Mike.
“Step into the elevator, friends!” said John.
They then went 101 floors down into the basement.ย Stepping out, Mike, Rob and Max spotted something familiar.
“Look!!ย The cable!” shouted Max.
“Does that look familiar, Rob?” asked Mike.
“Sure does,” answered the King of Sharks.ย “That’s the exact same cable that we followed undersea.ย Identical.”
“I had a hunch…” said Mike.ย “Snowman, you’ve been hacked!ย The Decepticons are stealing your data.ย If you had read the Marvel comics I sent you, you would have known who Rumble and Frenzy and Soundwave were!”ย Mike growled in frustration.ย “However, the good news is this:ย Snowman isn’t the leak.ย Or, at least he wasn’t knowingly.ย You’re cleared, Snowman.”
“Cleared?ย I was suspected of something?” screamed the Snowman.
“Don’t worry about it,” assured Mike.ย However, you’re going to have to do without internet until you can get a reliable company to install it.ย Rob – cut the line.”
Rob Daniels pulled a large knife from his belt, and cut the internet cable.
“Aww,” said the Snowman in sadness.ย “I was bidding on a KISS pinball machine on Ebay.”
“There will be other machines.ย Sorry John.ย This is for all our safety.”
With mission accomplished, the four finished their tea.ย Snowman took them on a tour of his new home.ย It was enormous.ย The entire tour took three days.
Rob, Mike, and Max the Axe gathered at Northern Lights HQ.ย Jen was there, monitoring outer space as always, and meanwhile the three friends gathered at a table.
“Well,” began Rob.ย “The great white sharks have followed the cable south to its final destination.ย And you won’t believe where it led.”
“I bet I can,” said Mike.ย “Florida.ย Mar-A-Lago Florida.”
“Bingo,” answered Rob.ย “So we know they’re in cahoots.ย The Decepticons are working with Mar-A-Lago.”
Mike felt like the walls were closing in.ย Like his worst fears were being realized in real time.ย He gulped.
“OK.ย Inform Mr. Durling.ย We are at war with the Decepticons, and we need reinforcements.”
The words chilled everyone in the room.ย The impending threat could be felt palpably in the air.ย There was no turning back.ย The war was well underway and there was no stopping it now.
Mike grimaced.ย “Things are about to get bumpy,” he warned.ย “Let’s get some rest.ย We’re going to need it.ย We’re going to take the fight to them now.”
Epilogue
The grey and purple shuttle orbited Earth, undetected by primitive human technology.ย It did detect the termination of one of its data streams.ย The one that ran from the human settlement in what they called “Florida” to their plant within the “Northern Lights” resistance group.
“Alert Soundwave,” said the robot in the pilot seat of the shuttle.ย “The humans have interfered with our operation on Earth.ย Ensure it doesn’t happen again.ย Out.”
The pilot, in the darkness of the cockpit with no inner lighting activated, grumbled in a subsonic tone.
“Unicron would not be pleased.ย So he won’t find out.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:ย PHASE ONE โ THE SQUIRREL SAGAย
THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga
Chapter Seven: Jex Feels It Again
Jex Rambo was on high alert.
The last few days were a flash!ย One moment he was finishing up paperwork for Mr. Durling and the Durling Foundation, and the next he was on a plane with the mysterious Night Ranger on his way to Ontario.ย There were some very important documents kept at Aaron’s Archive in Owen Sound.ย Jex and the Ranger were assigned to protect the Archive.ย Much to his shock and disbelief, their friends Mike and Harrison had recently been attacked by a Transformer.ย An actual alien robot disguised as a truck.ย Anything goes now, thought Jex.ย What was fiction is real, and he could not rest.
And so he patrolled, outside, keeping a close eye on every vehicle, person and animal he spotted.ย Shirtless, of course, Jex Rambo didn’t even break a sweat in the hot sun.ย The consummate professional.
He reached to his belt and pulled out his radio.
“Rambo to Ranger, Rambo to Ranger, come in Night Ranger,” he spoke.ย “Over.”
“Night Ranger here,” replied the mysterious figure.ย “On the roof.”
Jex looked up and shaded his eyes from the bright mid-day sun.ย A figure in black could be seen, crouching, watching.
“Got you in my sights,” confirmed Jex.ย “You got this area covered mon ami.ย I’m going to widen my patrol.ย Will report back.ย Jex out.”
While he missed the ocean, Owen Sound wasn’t so bad.ย There was water, and the people were friendly.ย Not to mention, he got to hang out with Aaron again.ย In theory!ย Aaron was currently with his family at a hockey game.ย The Owen Sound Attack.ย Not as great as the Moncton Wildcats, but not bad, thought Jex.ย He hoped his friend was having a good time.ย Meanwhile, it was his job to make sure the Archive was secure.ย It was a modest house in the outskirts of town, but the Durling Foundation had spared no expense with a top-notch security system.ย Not to mention, the best security that money could buy:ย Jex and the Night Ranger themselves!
Jex’s radio crackled again.ย “Jex Rambo here,” he spoke.
“Hey, it’s me again,” said the voice on the other end:ย the Night Ranger.ย “Listen, I hate to bug you, but since you’re out there…”
Jex shrugged.ย The Ranger had a habit of sending him out on errands while he sat on the roof.ย “Yeah…” sighed Jex.
“It’s no big deal if you can’t, but I was browsing Discogs and you won’t believe it.ย There is a local seller here in town with a Japanese picture sleeve promo copy of ‘Don’t Tell Me You Love Me’ and Mr. Durling would really like to have it.ย Since it’s right here in town, you understand.”
“Yeah…” sighed Jex again.ย “Give me the address.ย I’ll go pick it up.”
Jex was seated in the vehicle that the Durling Foundation had sent them for local travel.ย As was his penchant lately, Durling was using cars designed after original Generation One Autobots.ย And so, he found himself behind the wheel of a yellow Lamborghini with a huge silver exposed engine in the back.ย “Sunstreaker” was what Durling had called it.ย Jex was driving in the least inconspicuous vehicle in all of Ontario right now.ย At least it was a sweet ride.ย Stopped at a traffic light, a gaggle of girls swooned at his manly visage in the yellow supercar.ย He raised his sunglasses, winked and gunned the engine.ย Yeah, this wasn’t a bad ride at all.
He glanced again at the GPS.ย “Ray” was the contact, and the location was only a few more lights away.ย It was a popular bar called The Big Prize.ย According to a Google search, their karaoke contest every Friday night always drew a crowd.
“Maybe I’ll stay and have some wings,” thought Jex.ย He couldn’t remember the last time he had a good half-pound of chicken wings.ย “Night Ranger always sending me out on these errands for Durling.ย You never see him going out.ย ‘Oh I can’t show my face.’ย What an excuse.ย Just a reason to make Jex do all his work!ย I’m going to get hot wings.”
There it was just ahead:ย The Big Prize Karaoke Bar and Grill.ย Looked alright.ย It was midday and so there was ample parking.ย He pulled the yellow beast into a perfect spot right in front of the entrance.ย Stepping out and shirtless, Jex easily drew the attention of passers-by.
“Sorry ladies, I’m here on business!” he chided as he cooly crossed the sidewalk to the entrance of the bar.ย One fainted, but was caught by her friend.ย Jex didn’t notice, however, because he soon found himself thwarted in his mission.ย By a sign.
“NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO ENTRY” it said in big, bold yellow text.
“Merde!!” stomped Jex.ย “Foiled by a stupid yellow sign!”
Jex had to park the Lambo way back in the Walmart parking lot.ย Durling would be furious if he got a scratch or a ding.ย But, he needed a shirt.ย Walmart would have a cheap T-shirt he could throw on, surely.
He strolled up to the big entrance, now starting to sweat a bit in the afternoon sun.ย The doors swooshed open and he strode into a blast of cold air.
“O, รงa fait du bien!!” he exclaimed as the Walmart air conditioning bathed his skin.ย “That feels so good.”
He smiled and walked through the gate, only to be halted by a little old lady in a red vest.
“I’m sorry sir, you can’t come in without a shirt!”ย She tapped a yellow sign with a marker in her hand. Jex pulled his sunglasses down his nose to take a closer look.ย “Qu’est-ce que c’est??” The sign read SHIRTS AND SHOES MUST BE WORN IN THIS ESTANBLISHMENT.
“Merde again!!” swore Jex.ย He swiftly felt bad for it.ย “Oh, sorry lady, pardon my French.ย It’s just that I need a shirt!”
“Oui, you do!!” she returned to him in a sarcastic tone.ย “Don’t make me tap the sign again.”
“Touchรฉ ,” said Jex.ย Just then, a kid entered and walked up to Jex.ย He poked him in the arm.
“Hey mister!” he said with excitement.ย “Is that your car out there?”
“It sure is!” smiled Jex.ย “Hey wait.ย Kid – you wanna make a little extra money today?”ย He handed the kid two twenties.ย “Go in and buy me a T-shirt, large size.ย Bring it back to me and you can keep the change.”
“Sure thing mister!!”
The kid ran into the store.ย Jex smiled at the lady, and waited.
And waited.ย He tapped his toes to the muzak.ย Waited some more.
10 minutes.ย Now 20.
“I don’t think he’s coming back,” said the lady.
“Sacrรฉ bleu!” stomped Jex again.ย “Hey…lady…would you mind?ย I really need a shirt, as you know, and you can keep the change.ย Please…help a guy out?”ย He pleaded.
The lady, smirked.ย She pretended to think about it a moment, and then said “Gimme $50 and I’ll go get you a T-shirt.”
Jex winced, but pulled two more twenties and a ten from his wallet.ย “Merci madame, merci.”ย And you’re welcome, he thought to himself.
The lady took his money and grinned.ย Five minutes later she was back with a Walmart shopping there.
“Thank you for shopping at Walmart, your receipt is in the bag, have a nice day sir,” she said, handing him the plastic bag.
“Merci,” Jex repeated, and ran back to the Lambo.ย He opened the bag and pulled out a shirt.ย A white T-shirt with Barney the dinosaur on it.ย The receipt fell out of the bag, onto the ground.ย Jex bent over and picked it up.
“Sacrรฉ bleu again!!”ย He read it aloud:ย “SALE – FIVE DOLLARS!?”ย It didn’t take a calculator to do the math.ย He was down $85 because of a $5 T-shirt!ย He drove the Lambo up to the entrance, squealed the tires, and flipped the old lady the bird.ย Her mouth fell agape in shock, but Jex didn’t feel badly this time.
“I’ve had about enough of this day,” said Jex to himself.ย The cool air blasted his face inside the Lambo.ย “Well, at least all I have to do now is pick up the record.”
Once more, he parked the yellow Lambo in front of The Big Prize Karaoke Bar and Grill.ย He stepped out and grimaced as he slipped on his brand new Barney the Dinosaur T-shirt.ย It fit, but…wow.ย This time, a flock of girls laughed as he entered the bar.
“Haha, yeah, it’s a funny shirt,” he waved.ย “I’m wearing it ironically of course.”ย They giggled some more.
A server greeted him at the front desk, but tried not to stare at his shirt.ย “Hello and welcome to the Big Prize!ย Can I get you a table?ย Karaoke room is popular today.”
“Actually, I’m a bit late…long story…but I was supposed to meet a guy named Ray here.ย Is he still here?” asked Jex.
“Oh!ย Ray the owner?ย Yes he’s right over there, in the karaoke room.”ย She pointed to a man in the adjoining room.ย He was slender, with sunglasses, and a shaved head.
“Oh he’s the owner!ย Merci!” said Jex, “Can I order some hot wings too?” he asked.
“I’ll put the order in now!” she replied.ย Ray noticed them from his seat, and made a signal to someone.ย Then he motioned for Jex to come to his table.
Jex removed his sunglasses and smiled with hand extended, as he approached Ray the owner.ย Ray stood, and removed his glasses.ย He did not look happy.ย Jex could see that.
“I’m really sorry that I’m late, long story,” said Jex in way of apology.ย But Ray wasn’t hearing any of it.ย He looked Jex straight in the eye.
“I don’t know Tim Durling…but you?ย I never forget a face…mister…Rouselle?”
Jex gasped.
“Ray Coburn…” he whispered.
It all came back in a flash.ย It was years ago, but it did happen.ย A viral video.ย Jex mocking the song “Feel It Again” by Honeymoon Suite… especially making fun the of keyboards.ย A song Ray Coburn wrote.ย Ray Coburn, the keyboard player for Honeymoon Suite.ย Coburn called him out online.ย ย Jex issued a second video in way of apology, but it failed to take.ย “It wasn’t your keyboards, man!ย It’s the fact that there were keyboards in the first place!” pleaded Jex in the video, not ingratiating himself to Ray in any way.
Ray smiled at him coldly.ย “Please…have a seat.”ย He motioned to the chair across from him.ย “I am well chuffed to finally meet you in person.ย What a surprise!”ย He grinned wide and clapped his hands together.ย ย Jex sat awkwardly, as a lone bead of sweat worked its way down the left side of his face.
“Comfortable?” asked Coburn.
Jex squirmed in his chair a bit, trying to get settled.ย “Yes…thank you.ย Ummm, Mr. Coburn, I am truly sorry….”
Ray interrupted.ย “And I thought my day couldn’t get any better!ย I just booked a fall tour playing keyboards for Larry Gowan.ย And now the famed music critic Jex Russell walks through my door!ย What are the odds?”
Jen cleared his throat.ย “Yeah, about that, I truly do apologize…”
Coburn shushed him.ย “Oh, I know you do, especially now that you need something from me.ย Durling already sent the funds.ย The Night Ranger 7″ promo.ย My friend Harry Hess…you know, from Harem Scarem?ย Another band you criticized.ย Harry brought this back from one of his Japanese tours.ย He gave me a whole box of records in fact.ย When Mr. Durling offered to buy it, he didn’t mention that he was sending you of all people to pick it up!ย A bonus, so to speak.ย Icing on the cake.ย A treat for me, to finally meet the great music critic in person!ย The honour is mine.”
Every word dripped with sarcasm.ย Jex was extremely uncomfortable.ย The server brought him his hot wings, but sensing the tension at the table, said nothing besides “enjoy”.ย She made a swift exit, and left Ray and Jex alone.
“Have a chicken wing,” instructed Coburn.ย “When I heard your order, I asked the chef to make them extra special just for you.”
“Oh…yay…” said Jex as he looked at the plate beneath him.ย The wings steamed on the plate, and the capsaicin in the sauce fumes burned the sensitive skin inside his nose, as he inhaled.ย He coughed.ย Ray smiled.ย Jex looked him in the eye as he steeled his face.ย He grasped a drumstick with both hands and raised it to his mouth.ย He bit and pulled half the meat off in one bite.ย Before the heat could hit his tongue, he took a second bite, finishing the rest of the meat and skin.ย He dropped the naked bone onto his plate, and returned his gaze to Ray.ย He coughed.ย He coughed some more.ย He was choking and there was no water on the table!ย Ray smiled.ย Jex’s fingers were covered in sauce.ย Wiping them on Barney the Dinosaur’s stomach, he made a drinking motion, asking for water.ย Ray signaled the waitress, who brought a glass filled with water and ice.ย Jex grabbed it with desperation and gulped every last drop of cold liquid.ย The relief was temporary as the burning returned.ย Jex was sweating from his scalp, and tears were forming in his eyes.
“Sacrรฉ…bleu!” he croaked.
“Spicy, right?” chided Ray.ย “That’s Pepper X extract, my personal stash.ย 2,693,000 Scoville heat units.ย I’ll let you Google how hot that is when you gain control of your face again!” he chuckled.
That face was red and leaking fluid from every orifice except his ears.ย Jex thought he knew what pain was.ย He sucked back an ice cube from his water glass.
“Listen, Mr. Coburn, truly you’ve made your point and I’m sorry!” he coughed.ย “What does it take for me to prove that?”
Ray smiled.ย He had been waiting for Jex to ask that very question.
“You’re going to get up there on the karaoke stage, and sing ‘Feel It Again’.”
“Merde,” said Jex.ย He still had sauce on some of his fingers, but most of it was on his shirt.ย “Yeah, OK.”
“Great!” said Ray.ย “Send everyone in!”
“What??” exclaimed Jex.ย Soon, the whole kitchen staff, all the servers, and a large number of guests had gathered in the room.ย Ray got up on the karaoke stage.
“Ladies, gentlemen, and patrons of all ages!ย We have a treat for you this afternoon at The Big Prize karaoke room!ย We have an online celebrity with us.ย The great music critic, Jex Rambo!ย He is a big Honeymoon Suite fan, and he is going to sing ‘Feel It Again’, which I wrote.ย Jex…come on down.”
Jex smiled sheepishly and waved at the crowd as they clapped modestly.ย He had to blink through the tears still forcing their way out of his eyes.ย The hot chicken wing sauce continued to burn his throat, but he had already drank all the water.ย He stepped up, glanced at the lyric monitor, and gripped the microphone.ย He focused.ย No little pepper sauce was going to stop him from completing his mission.ย This stupid errand, that the Night Ranger didn’t want to do himself!ย Well, he didn’t need the Night Ranger to save him.ย He held the microphone to his mouth and glared at Ray.
“Let’s do this,” he said with steel in his eyes.
The song started.ย Derry Grehan’s opening guitar licks were backed by Ray’s…wonderfully dominant keyboards.
“If you would just be sensible, you’d find me indispensable,”ย coughed Jex.
“I pray deep down in destiny, that places you with me, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!”ย ย OK, that line went better.ย Jex got more comfortable as he sang each line.ย ย Too many keyboards!ย But he powered his way into the chorus.
“Waiting so long…to feel it again!ย I thought that this heart would never mend!ย TO FEEL IT AGAIN!ย I KNOW, IT IS THE LIVING END!” Jex threw in some dance moves as he began to own the stage.ย He sensed the crowd’s reaction.ย Then, during Derry’s brilliant guitar solo, Jex went full on!ย Moonwalking across the stage, Jex had the audience going nuts!ย Someone tossed a bra up on stage, and Jex knew he’d finally got the job in hand.ย His confidence restored, he tore off the Barney shirt and threw it back.ย A lady fainted.ย He flexed and finished the song.
“To feel it again…feel it again!ย I thought that this heart would never mend.ย To feel it again, I know it is the livin’ end!”ย And with a flourish, he was done.ย The room erupted into applause.
“Thank you!” bowed Jex.ย “Thank you downtown Owen Sound, the pleasure was all yours!” he shouted as he leaped off the stage.
He made his way back to the table.ย Ray handed him some napkins for his saucy hands, and the vinyl record.ย After Jex had sufficiently cleaned the sauce off his fingers, Ray extended a hand.ย Jex grasped it and shook.
“Well done Mr. Rambo.ย The wings are on the house.ย You’re welcome back here any time.ย Tell Durling to enjoy the record,” said Ray.
“I will Mr. Coburn, and thank you.ย You can finish the wings!ย By the way, you were great when I saw you with Kim Mitchell,” replied Jex.
Coburn nodded in appreciation, and Jex headed back to the exit.ย And then he realized, he had in fact been inside without a shirt.ย Small triumph, but still a triumph.
Another girl fainted as Jex stepped into the yellow Lambo.ย He winked as he burned rubber down the Owen Sound road.
“Not a bad day after all,” said Jex to himself.ย “Mission accomplished, back to base and a big, cold glass of milk!”
The Lambo was soon out of sight, and quiet returned to the town.ย Adventure would wait for another day.ย The Night Ranger would have to be on duty tonight.ย Jex had other plans.ย “Racing after midnight,” he smiled.ย Gripping the wheel, he revved the Lamborghini off into the sunset, into the Ontario countryside.
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:ย PHASE ONE โ THE SQUIRREL SAGAย
THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga
Chapter Six:ย TRANSFORMATIONS
When I first got here, to this new universe of mine, I couldn’t tell the difference at first.ย Everything was the same.ย My home.ย My belongings.ย My Jen.ย Everything seemed reassuringly the same at first.ย Comforting.ย Like I have never lost anything.ย Like it was all just a horrible nightmare.
But there are small differences.ย Mint tastes slightly different in this universe.ย More earthy.ย The grass seems a slightly deeper shade of green here.ย Maple syrup is sweeter.ย Interestingly, all the differences seem to be plant-based.ย Chew on that.
It has been pretty easy to adjust to my…return.ย They consider it a return here.ย They treat me exactly as the original Mike.ย It feels odd, but I’m slowly getting used to it.ย In time I think I’ll forget I’m from a completely different universe.ย One that didn’t fare as well as this one.ย Aside from the taste of my pancakes and a few other minor differences, there’s no place like home, and this is home.
The winter passed quickly, quietly.ย A completely uneventful season.ย Now the air is warm, and the sky has returned from its previous grey to a bright glowing blue.ย I walk alone, down the familiar path to the beach.ย Northern Lights Summer HQ is very much occupied.ย Jen is busy collating data.ย She loves working with numbers, and her experience in space quickly forced her to become an expert in astronomical data.ย Harrison was around too, though today he’s off on a “side-quest” as he puts it.ย He brought Ripper the Squirrel with him, and so it is a little less hectic today.ย Summer HQ, located on the shores of Lake Huron near Kincardine, Ontario, is the perfect location to scan the sky for threats.ย The lack of pollution (both light and the regular kind) made for clear images.ย The only anomaly presently is the complete lack of any anomalies.
I can feel the wind on my skin as I pass through the trees, into the grasslands before the beach.ย With nothing to stand in its way, the wind scoured the beach.ย Storm coming.ย Back at headquarters, the trees made the wind unnoticeable.ย They protect the cottage from the sandblasting power of the winds today.ย No flying my drone, that’s for sure!ย Not today.ย Funny how the trees protect the inland from the wind.
“Just like us,” I found myself saying aloud to nobody.ย “The Northern Lights protect the people of Earth from…everything out there.”
I look up.ย The moon was visible in the sky, brightly lit and nearly full on this clear day.ย As I approached the beach I could see wave after wave hammering the piles of rocks peaking through the water.ย The power of air and water.ย Powered by the moon.ย Remarkable.
The moon.ย Jen and her team had cleared the moon of any alien interlopers.ย It was clean.ย I read the mission reports.
Then why did the moon always make me feel so…uneasy?ย I wasn’t so sure that the aliens were gone.
I shook back to reality a moment, and grounded myself.ย Stretching my arms out, I felt the air.ย The wind rushing through my fingers and rippling my shirt.ย “There’s no place like home…” I uttered.
As I centered myself, I allowed my mind to admit it consciously:ย I was anxious.ย And it wasn’t that this place didn’t feel like home.ย It felt like there was a threat, just waiting for us at the door.ย Just out of reach.ย Just out of the range of our sensors, and senses.ย Close…yet far.ย It felt good to finally acknowledge this.ย I am certain now.ย My instincts have guided me all my life.ย They speak to me now, clearly as the day itself.ย Something is there, just out of reach.ย ย It can see us, but we can’t see it.ย Not yet, anyway.ย Not yet.ย Close, yet far.
Feeling accomplished, I run back up the path to the cottage.ย I admired the car as I passed, another one on loan from the Durling Foundation.ย Mr. Durling always had a penchant for Transformers, and was collecting a fleet of cars modeled after the full Generation One line.ย In the driveway was a vintage Porsche 935 decoed up as original Autobot Jazz, famously voiced by Scatman Crothers.ย It even had an Autobot logo.
“Sweet,” I smiled.ย I stepped up onto the deck, into the front door.ย ย Jen was hard at work in the kitchen.
The kitchen, of course, is where she set up her space surveillance gear.ย It had the best lighting and the most table space for the four laptops she had set up.ย There she worked diligently, scanning for anomalies as she has been all spring.
“Hey sweety,” she smiled as I walked in the door.ย As usual, she had the TV on one of the “hard rock” channels.ย They always played the same damn songs.ย I preferred listening to my own music collection, but she likes the TV.ย It would be nice if they could play some different songs every once in a while.ย Always the same hits, by Faster Pussycat, Bon Jovi, Guns N’ Roses, Aerosmith and…wait a second.
Who said that I wasn’t right? I’ve lived for years without a life, Don’t have a soul on my side, Still ridiculed despite how hard that I have tried.
“What’s this song sweety?”ย I asked.ย I know this song.
“Not sure,” she said as she went to reheat her coffee.ย “It’ll say who at the end.”
I didn’t need to wait to the end.ย Just the chorus.
Close yet far, Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are.
“I know this song!ย It’s ‘Close Yet Far’ by CKY, Jess Margera’s band.ย I bet I haven’t heard this song in like 20 years,” I mused out loud.ย “I probably put it on one of your mix CDs when we were dating.ย I did stuff like that for the ladies to make them thing I was still cool.”
“You are still cool,” dismissed Jen.
Close yet far, Drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are.
Waitaminute.ย “Close Yet Far”.
“Something is there, just out of reach.ย Close, yet far,” I whispered to myself, repeating myself from the beach.ย The universe was speaking to me now.ย I was sure of it.ย I seemed to be attuned to this new universe in ways that others here are not.ย “Close Yet Far”.
“Did you say something?” Jen asked as her coffee finished warming up.
“Yeah…no…yes…” I muttered.ย “No time to explain.ย Call Harrison, wherever he is.ย I need him here, now.ย And…I need to send you away.ย Something is coming.ย I am not going to let you come into any danger so I need you home.ย You’ll be safe there.ย But you have to go, now.ย Something’s coming, imminently.”ย I spoke quickly.ย On the edge of panic, but not quite.
“Are you sure?” asked Jen as she dumped her hot coffee down the sink.ย “I have scanned every wavelength and used every satellite to scan the sky, the ground and the water.ย I haven’t seen anything that should make me leave.”
“I know…but something about this is…elusive…invisible to our scans.ย It’s more than a feeling, I know something is coming, and it is close.ย I need to you leave right away.ย It can’t wait.ย Don’t pack – you’ll be back soon, I promise.”
“OK I trust you,” said Jen.ย “But I have to call Harrison first, you said to call Harrison.”
“Yes, call Harrison,” I affirmed.ย “Then, I want you to take the escape pod.ย It’s the fastest and safest way out of here and it’s programmed to take you home.”
“I love you,” said Jen.
“More,” I winked.
“Hello?ย Hello?” answered Harrison as his phone rang sporadically.ย Shaking it to no avail, he hung up, with no signal.ย “Dear me, I have the worst phone reception in this building.ย Spotty Canadian cell towers too mind you.ย Now what were you saying sir?”
“It’s $5.00 for the minifig head, $10 for the trans-clear-blue windscreen, and 50 cents each for the little boomerang pieces.”
“Highway robbery!” exclaimed Harrison.ย He considered trying a Jedi mind trick, but his hands were full of phones that kept ringing, with no-one on the other end.
“I have an honourable compromise…” tried Harrison, but the man cut him off.
“18 bucks, take it or leave it,” said the Lego dealer, firmly.
Frustrated, Harrison put the phones away into his many-pockets jacket pockets, and reached into his pants pockets.ย He removed his wallet – a leather folded wallet with a moustache emblazoned upon its front side.
“Pay the man,” he requested.ย ย A black squirrel suddenly darted out of one of his jacket pockets, which grasped the bills in Harrison’s hand.ย Then the wee beast jumped off his arm and onto the counter of the quite startled Lego salesman.ย Ripper the squirrel dropped the bills and swiftly ran back up Harrison’s arm.ย Perching on his shoulder, he awaited Harrison’s next words.
“Highway robbery, I tell you!” scolded Harrison as he turned to leave.ย He sighed.ย “Just walk away,” he told himself out loud, shaking his head.ย “None are here without sin.”ย The shopkeeper stared, mouth agape, as the Australian walked out of his store with a squirrel on his back.
Out in the bright Canadian sun, finally Harrison’s phones acquired signal.ย He chose one to answer.ย “Hello?ย Hello?”
Ripper stared in silent concern as Harrison’s brow furrowed.ย With his hands full, Harrison was unable to brush his hair out of his face from the wind.ย Ripper ran atop his head to assist.
“I understand,” nodded Harrison.ย “I’ll be there within the hour.ย Moustachio out.”
He pocketed his phone and urgently ran to his beige off-road 4×4 vehicle.ย It was the spitting image of Autobot Outback, complete with logo.ย The pun of the lord of the wasteland driving a vehicle based on the word “outback” was too much for him to turn down, despite his preference to drive his V8 Interceptor.ย Undeniably though, that car drew a lot of attention here in rural Canada compared to a beige SUV.
He has learned over the last year to trust his friends’ instincts.
I walk alone back at the cottage.ย The wind was now rustling the trees.ย The sky had become overcast.ย Jen had checked in safe from home two minutes ago.ย No sign of Harrison yet.ย Thunder in the distance.ย Only a matter of time before lightning appears.
“I have a bad feeling about this,” I muttered.ย “Time to go check on Dr. K.”
My “sister”, Dr. K.ย She was slowly getting used to the new me.ย I was no longer unwelcome at her place.ย I took a quick jog over to her cabin.ย I stepped onto her new porch.ย She preferred not to formally join the Northern Lights.ย Northern Lights-adjacent was more her style.ย Independent, but willing to work together.ย In her driveway was a yellow Volkswagon with a red Autobot logo.ย Durling had loaned her Bumblebee.
“Man, Mr. Durling’s really collecting them fast,” I remarked as I knocked.ย The sound of about ten different dogs greeted me.ย The door opened and Dr. K appeared, holding a new dog.
“Hello!ย She said, “This is Lord Alfred!”ย She held the poor frightened animal up and I patted its cute head.
“Well hello Alfie!” I answered in a baby-talk voice.ย “How you today?”
“He’s anxious,” answered Dr. K.ย “I think you’re right.ย Something’s coming and it’s not just a storm.ย All my dogs are anxious.”ย They all yipped in agreement with her.ย “BABIES!ย Calm down!” she scolded them.ย Sometimes she forgot that her animal army were ferocious killers.ย But for them to be scared, at a time like this?ย This was alarming.
“I hear you, Alfie,” I comforted.ย Returning my focus to Dr. K I tried to speak over the sound of the wind.
“Here’s what’s happening,” I shouted.ย “Harrison’s on his way.ย He’s in Outback.”
“Which one is Outback again?” asked Dr. K.
“The beige ‘jeep'”!ย I responded.ย She shook her head in confusion, not really knowing any of the second-tier Autobots.ย “It doesn’t matter, he’s on his way and won’t be long now.ย I have an idea though.ย Do you have your bass clarinet here?”
“Of course!” she answered.ย “I had a recording session this afternoon, before the storm ruined that chance!”
“OK, good!”ย I responded.ย “Question two.ย Can you summon portals to the multiverse with it?”
Dr. K grinned.ย “Sort of.ย I can access the Schnauzerverse.ย From there I can travel to the rest of the multiverse, but not many people can survive the natural wildlife of the Schnauzerverse!ย I think I know where you’re going with this!ย If you’re anything like my ‘real’ brother, you’d want to send whatever is coming far away!ย If something bad is coming, then I can send him off to the Schnauzerverse!”
I snapped my fingers.ย “Brilliant!ย Hold tight, keep the dogs at bay!”ย The sky cracked with thunder.ย ย “Harrison’s gotta be on his way, we just gotta give him more time!”
Ripper sat anxiously on the headrest of the passenger seat inside the Outback car.ย The rain was pounding the windshield, making it hard for Harrison to see.ย This limited the speed at which he could travel.
“Squee squee!” cried Ripper as the rain worsened.
“I know, my friend,” calmed Harrison.ย “I’m doing my best here under difficult circumstances!”ย He applied the brakes as he slowed, coming down an incline.ย “Have you heard from the Brainiac?ย Does he know yet what we are facing?ย Is it connected to this storm?”
Ripped shrugged.ย How should he know?ย He was just a squirrel.ย But he knew what to do.ย He pushed the numbers he memorized and called the Brainiac.
“Harrison!” said a distorted Brainiac over the speakerphone.ย “Good to hear from you!ย What’s your ETA?”
Ripper listened carefully.ย His squirrel senses have been on high alert.
“Hard to say!” answered the moustached man.ย “The storm is getting worse!ย Is this connected to your imminent threat?”
“No!” came the response.ย “Jen looked at this in detail before she left – she’s safe by the way.ย This storm has been forecast for over a week.ย The only connection we can fathom is someone using it against us for tactical advantage!”
Ripper looked back at Harrison for his reaction.
“I actually find that reassuring,” he answered.ย “I’d rather an an enemy that uses a storm as a tactical advantage, than one who can summon a storm at will.”
“Good point!” came the Brainiac’s response.ย “I’ll let you get back to driving, safe travels!”
With that Ripper disconnected the call, feeling somewhat more confident that they were going to survive this.
At Northern Lights HQ, the sky had darkened to an angry blue-black.ย I watch the tempest roll in safely from inside the plate glass windows.ย Thanks to an atomic generator provided by the Durling Foundation, the power remained on.ย The first Jurassic Park film is running on one of the movie channels.ย Any neighbours, save Dr. K, had vacated hours ago.ย Only I remain, and I remain vigilant.
“Where are you, Harrison?ย Something wicked this way comes.” I whispered to myself as I grow concerned.ย It wasn’t like the Australian to be late, or to stop sending updates.ย “He was not even that far away.”
A crack of lightning hit nearby.ย My eyes are temporarily blinded by the flash.ย And suddenly…I am surrounded.
“Oh no…not you guys again…”
I am surrounded by five aliens.ย The little grey kind.ย I know from my reading that my predecessor had dealt with these guys before.ย They were one of the many possibilities that Harrison and I had anticipated.ย I lower myself into a power stance, ready to launch myself at the intruders.ย My legs are springs…steel springs.ย Fast as a leopard.
“Hello boys,” I wink.
“Seize the human!” shouts the lead alien, who has a marking on his head, differentiating him from the rest.ย A rank, perhaps?
I was prepared for this.ย When the storm hit and the generator kicked in, I grabbed some night vision goggles in case I needed an advantage in the dark.ย I smile as I drop them onto my face and kill the power with a remote stuffed in my front pocket.
“Peek-a-boo!” I shout as I nailed the lead alien right in the head with a swift kick.ย He flies back and falls over a table.ย His head makes an awful sound when it hit the varnished hardwood.ย He’s not getting back up.
Two more aliens grab my neck from behind.ย Their long, slender fingers are cold.ย “Cold blooded…that’s interesting…” I say out loud as I try to pry their fingers off.ย One jumps onto my back as he choked harder.ย I feel myself getting lightheaded…going….
“Give us the schematics!ย We know you have them!” whispers the alien on my back in a slippery voice.ย It’s so unnerving, feeling its breath on my deck and its voice to so close to my ear.ย Every hair on my body is as if raised by static.ย Even so, as my skin crawls, I begin to laugh.ย My guffaws startle them.ย I reach back and pull the two aliens’ arms free of my neck.ย I turn, and push both away from me.ย Breathing again, I feel a surge of energy!ย ย I mock the four surviving aliens as I see them regroup in front of me.
“The schematics!?” I laugh.ย “Of Unicron, you mean!ย Sure!ย The magazine is right over there, on the scanner bed.ย Take it!”
The aliens stare at me puzzled a moment.ย “What is this trick?” says one, second from the right, in a lower voice than the others.
“No trick!”ย I assure them.ย “Take it!”ย I raise my hands in mock surrender.ย “Take it now, and you can leave this place in peace.ย Or, you can join your friend on the floor over there as we go for round two?”
The low-voiced alien, who seems to have taken command for his fallen comrade, motions to the alien on the far left to get the magazine with the crucial Unicron blueprints inside.ย Cautiously, the left alien waddles over to the scanner where the magazine is seated.ย He picks it up slowly and examines it with his huge, almond-shaped alien eyes.ย The eyes grow suddenly wider.ย “This is the document we were sent to retrieve!”
“I have a question,” I query with hand araised.ย “How did you know we had that?”ย There are only a handful of people on Earth who know we had those schematics and why they were important.ย I grow concerned.ย Harrison has long suspected that there was a mole in the Northern Lights.ย But who?
This time the aliens laugh…a strange, unnerving sound, like grasshoppers rasping in the sand.ย The low-voiced one raises a device to his mouth and speaks some alien words.ย Suddenly there is a flash of light and they were gone.ย Even the dead one had been beamed up.ย Now, the room has a strong smell of ozone.ย Reaching into my pocket, I turn the power back on.ย The lights flicker back to life.ย I take a shallow breath, and feel around my neck, still sore from their alien grip.ย I cough, and finally I laugh.ย I laugh with all my lungs.
“What a bunch of dumb-asses!” I cry with tears now forming in my eyes from the hilarity.ย “We took electron-scans of every page of that magazine and uploaded it to the cloud!ย Those blueprints are on a thousand servers now!ย There’s no way to delete them now.ย We just finished scanning too…good thing Harrison pushed us to finish the project.ย I’ll have to apologize for calling him a slave driver.”
Harrison, meanwhile, was in a heap of trouble all his own.ย Though his Outback car had a solid grip on the rainy ground, he spotted headlights behind him, closing in.
“Ripper…I don’t like the way that vehicle is gaining on us.ย Not in this storm.ย Launch a probe.”
Ripper the squirrel nodded in acknowledgement and hit a button.ย Outback’s roof cannon emerged from a slot in the vehicle’s top.ย Ripper used his paws to control its angle from a tiny touchscreen, and launched.ย From the cannon came a rocket-powered probe no larger than a tennis ball.ย With several 8K cameras aboard its tiny fuselage, the probe was a disposable device once it finished its flight, but would transmit all the images direct to Ripper’s screen.ย The squirrel watched as the probe sailed closer to the eerie headlights following them.ย Though it flew over its target in a fraction of a second, it captured dozens of images as it did.
“SQUEE!” exclaimed Ripper.
“I can’t look at them now Ripper, I have to keep my eyes on the road.ย Tell me what you see.”
Ripper made many excited sounds and gestures, and Harrison nodded in understanding.ย He had spent months learning Squirellese.ย He and Ripper could communicate as easily as you or I.
“An armored black truck with a Decepticon logo, well that’s not alarming at all,” said Harrison with a rare use of sarcasm.ย He glanced into his rear view mirror.ย “It’s almost on us.ย I can’t go any faster, Ripper, or we’ll fly off the road!”
Ripper squee’d some more.
“I don’t know what they want Ripper.ย Contact Mike at HQ.ย Inform Lord Brainiac that we have company.”
Ripper went back to his control panel and worked the screen, but let out a frustrated “SQUEE!”
“Jammed?ย Communications are jammed?ย Oh, not good.”ย Harrison grimaced as he took a curve in the highway at a speed far exceeding anything considered survivable.ย ย He smiled a moment at the idea of the upcoming meeting between Autobot and Decepticon.ย He frowned again when he realized that he was hopelessly outmatched.
“We have only one course of action Ripper,” he said in a calm voice.ย “We can’t beat Scourge, and we can’t ungun him, so we have to lose him.ย Kill the exterior lights.ย Hold on tight.”
The squirrel grabbed onto the door handle and prayed a little prayer to Squirrel God.
The tires screamed in unholy pain as Harrison hung a hard right.ย The vehicle streaked across the blacktop sideways as it struggled to regain control.ย Suddenly the tires bit asphalt again, and Outbook lurched down the side road.ย Soon Harrison was traveling at top speed once more, having at least put some distance between them and their pursuer.
“Even if we don’t lose him, he won’t be able to corner like we can, and we can gain back some ground.”ย Ripper nodded in understanding.ย “Are we still jammed?ย Contact Mike!”
Back at HQ, I continued to worry about Harrison’s lack of communication.ย Something stinks like a rat.ย A traitor.
I was awaiting a callback from Mr. Durling, currently at the Durling Foundation on the east coast.ย When I attempted to call, an assistant who claimed his name was “Rufus” wouldn’t put me through.ย Said Mr. Durling was in a high stakes negotiation for a Night Ranger Dawn Patrol 8-track cartridge.ย I killed time by cleaning up alien splooge.ย Fun fact:ย when you knock an alien out against a table, they excrete an unpleasant slime like a hagfish.ย It has been a fun evening.
Suddenly the video phone lights up!.ย It is Durling.ย He is smiling.ย He must have won the tape.ย By his side is Shirtless Jex Rambo, the Jexciter, doing a flex.
“Jex!ย Mr. Durling!ย Good to see you guys!ย It went well?”
Durling’s grinning.ย “Let’s just say I had to bring Jex along to guard the massive amount cash we needed to acquire the tape.ย Cash only.ย No e-transfer.ย Guy was a bit eccentric, but you have to be a little bit if you’re in this hobby.ย What’s up?”
“I have news and none of it is good,” I begin.ย Jex drops the smiling flexing schtick and speaks.
“Oh no mon ami, what happened?”
I catch them up on everything.ย The storm, the alien attack, what they were after, and my suspicions.ย Durling and Jex are two of the only people in the world who knew about the schematics.
“This is most concerning,” says Durling in a serious tone.ย You could never imagine he just bought Dawn Patrol on 8-track by his face.ย “Jex – as head of security, how many people know about those diagrams?”
Jex takes a moment to count on his fingers.ย “Onze – eleven.ย Those who discovered it – Mike, Harrison, Jen, Dr. K, Max the Axe, and the little squirrel.ย You and I.ย Then we shared it with a limited number of original Northern Lights members on a need-to-know basis.ย These were Aaron and the Snowman.ย We decided they were the only ones who needed to know.ย Mr. Books, being our book archivist, was responsible for buying up every other copy on eBay as you recall.ย Snowman was informed as part of our partnership deal.ย As his financial contributions to the Northern Lights constitute 33% of our budget, he has access to all our secure data.”
There is a silence, and then I speak.ย “OK, so right off the bat you can scratch Harrison and I off that list.ย And obviously Ripper too.ย I hope you trust us that much.ย I can vouch for Dr. K.ย She wants nothing more than her revenge, and she remains aligned with us.ย I can’t see that changing.ย Aaron is as solid and trustworthy as anyone.ย I can vouch for him.ย Max the Axe though…he’s…well he’s kind of a big deal, and…”
Tim cuts me off abruptly.ย “Can you get Max in on this call, Jex?”
Jex laughs.ย “I can try.ย Who knows where that guy is though at any given time!”ย Jex hits some buttons and tries to connect us to Max.ย Suddenly a new window opens on my screen.ย It was Max.ย Max the Swingin’ Axe.
“Hello?ย Tim?ย You buying some tapes today?”
“Hi Max, no.ย Listen, do you remember that magazine with the Unicron schematics that we got from you?ย Starlog, July 1986?” asks Tim.
“I got lots of those!” says Max happily.ย “Whatcha lookin’ for?”
“No, no,” continues Tim patiently.ย “You sold us one.ย The July 1986 Transformers Movie special.ย Did you tell anyone else about that?”
“Yeah, I told you about it, remember?” says Max.ย “And then you bought it from me.ย It was after I got sprayed by that skunk.ย I had to buy new clothes.”
Jex, getting impatient, interrupts.ย “Max, mon ami, nobody else knows you sold us that magazine?ย Focus, buddy.”
Max takes a moment to think.ย I can see the concentration in his beady eyes as he squints in concentration.ย “No, Jex.ย Why would I?ย I’m kind of a big deal and I have big stuff going on.ย Hey Tim, you got any reel to reel players that work?”
“We might, I’ll have Rufusย check our warehouse,” says Durling.ย “Thanks Max.ย And I must stress to you – tell no one.ย Don’t even tell anyone about this conversation.”
“What conversation?” asks Max.
“Good man!” said Tim as he disconnects Max.ย Turning his attention back to Jex and myself, he looks grim.ย “Gentlemen, what are the chances that Snowman has turned on us?”
The words hit heavy.ย The Snowman was a founding member.ย The eccentric Kiss fan had been an adversary in the past, but was a cornerstone of our team.ย The Northern Lights had always counted on the Snowman.
“The Snowman is moving,” I inform the team.ย “He sold his big houses and moved to Georgia.ย Different state, different taxes.ย He’s basically out of contact for now.ย Snowman’s spending 12 hours a day packing up Kiss memorabilia and the other 12 sleeping.ย It took him 13 days to pack up his Gene Simmons Super Duper Vault alone.ย Consider him out of touch.”
“Well that’s no good,” says Durling.ย “It’s like herding cats here.ย Regardless, even if you lost your original copy, Aaron has archived every other known copy on earth, and we have detailed scans on multiple servers.”
“Mes amis,” says Jex, “Allow me to go to Aaron’s Archive to protect him.ย If any more aliens come for the magazines, he will need my help.”
“Yes, yes,” nods Tim.ย “And take the Night Ranger with you.”
“Very good,” I say.ย “I’m going to try and contact Harrison again.ย Over and out.”
The rain was coming down harder, but Ripper had finally acquired a signal.ย A weak signal, but he was connected!ย “Squee!ย Squee!” he exclaimed.
“Great!ย Put him on speakers!” ordered Harrison as he concentrated on the road.ย It was Mike.
“Harrison!ย Ripper!ย You guys OK?ย What’s happening?” asked Mike over the phone.
“We had to take a minor detour,” demured Harrison.ย “We’re being pursued by Decepticon forces.”
“Oh great!” said Mike with exasperated sarcasm.ย “And I just got attacked by aliens looking for that Starlog magazine with the Unicron blueprints.ย And, there’s more…”
With great concern, Mike filled the pair in on their suspicions about the Snowman and everything that has transpired.
“Well, I know you and I didn’t say anything to anybody, and I agree with your character assessments of Dr. K and Aaron,” said Harrison.ย “I find it hard to believe that the Snowman could have turned traitor,” he continued.ย “He has been by our side since some of our earliest adventures.ย He has been generous with his support financially and technologically.ย What could be his motive?”
“This is going to sound weird,” said Mike.ย “I had a dream the other night that Snowman was captured by Decepticons and they put a cerebro-shell into his brain.ย Could be just a dream, but I’m starting to think that there are no coincidences.”
“We can’t use that as legitimate evidence,” dismissed Harrison.ย “A dream might only be a reflection of something else that happened elsewhere in the vast multiverse.ย Listen, I’d love to chat, but I’m in the middle of a deadly car chase in a rainstorm.”
“Acknowledged,” responded Mike.ย “I’m getting Jazz and Dr. K.ย She can summon a portal to banish your Decepticon to the Schnauzerverse.”
“Good plan,” said Harrison.ย “Over and out.”
“Are you sure about this?ย Trusting our fate to an Australian that I hardly know?” asks Dr. K as she buckles in.
“That’s a bit of hyperbole, isn’t it?ย I’m driving, I’m the one you’re trusting your fate to.ย I’m just going to drive Jazz here, to home in on Harrison’s location.ย There…tracking on.”
“The Queen of Schnauzers wouldn’t approve,” protests Dr. K.
“Well the Queen of Schnauzers trusts me.ย You should too,” I proclaim.ย I have no idea who the Queen of Schnauzers is.
“Well I don’t approve…” I hear her grumble.
“Listen.ย Don’t worry.ย I have lots of experience driving in storms!” I say in the most reassuring voice I can muster.ย I turn the key, and the Porsche 935 roars to life like a demon.ย I’ve driven in lots of storms…but, driving a Porsche 935 in a storm…that I’d never done before.
“Can you at least put some good music on?” complains Dr. K.ย I had Priest on previously.ย She hates Priest.
“Of course!”ย I select Glass Tiger.ย “Don’t Forget Me When I’m Gone”.ย Probably the weirdest choice ever for an upcoming battle, but I like absurd contrast.ย “Let’s go!ย Allons-y!”
Once we hit the open highway, I open up the throttle.ย ย “Woah, this thing really moves!ย Check the console – tell me how far out we are.”
Dr. K check the screen and frowned.ย “He’s 15 minutes away…but moving further.ย He’s going in the wrong direction.”
“He’s trying to lose that Decepticon.ย We have to catch him!” I exclaim as I try to keep from panicking.
Don’t forget me when I’m gone My heart would break I have loved you for so long It’s all I can take
Glass Tiger’s Alan Frew sings the melody with pop perfection, as I drive straight into possible death.ย Perfect!
Outback raced down the gravel backroad, pelted by stones.ย The beige finish was dented and dinged by numerous pebble projectiles, as Harrison took it as fast as he could without losing control.ย The truck behind, seemingly immune to the flying rocks, continued to gain ground.ย A large stone hit the windshield, cracking it.
“Woah, that was a bit too much!” said Harrison as he focused.ย “But I can’t slow down!”
“Squee squee!” cried Ripper.ย He was handling the controls for the roof cannon, but the unstable road and high speed made it near impossible for him to land a solid shot.ย All he was doing was kicking up stones which was doing nothing to slow down their adversary.ย It continued to pursue with unearthly persistence.ย “Squee squee!” he cried again.
“Oh, of course,” said Harrison, sounding defeated.ย “We’re jammed again.ย Tracking too?ย Can Mike still find us?”
Ripper shrugged.ย He had no way to know.
They could hear Scourge’s engine now as he barreled down the road, closer and closer, stones just bouncing off his frontal armor.ย Little Outback was no match.ย Scourge was so close behind now that Ripper could hardly miss.ย He took another shot.
Harrison heard the cannon fire and the shot connect.ย He turned his head.ย Hair blew behind him from the wind now coming in through the cracked windscreen.ย He saw an explosion.ย “Yes!ย Direct hit!ย That’ll slow him down!”
Indeed, Scourge swerved slightly as he struggled to remain on the road.ย The rain could not keep down the dust as it pillowed out behind the truck, now filthy with dirt and mud.ย Harrison hit the accelerator, but Outback was slowly losing power.ย It ran on electric, not gas, and the battery was at less than half.ย The tires had been taking a beating and one was getting closer and closer to the red failure zone.ย They were almost out of ammo.ย Phones and radios all jammed.ย Despite the wind coming through, Harrison’s face was covered with sweat as he struggled to maintain control.
Behind them, the black truck gained ground once again.ย Ripper fired off another shot which went high.ย With GPS out, and Harrison unfamiliar with the roads, they were lost.ย Mike told them that if they ever got lost in the countryside, always head towards the water if you could see it.ย In this storm, there was no way to navigate.ย They were driving blind with no idea what was ahead now.
Another shot, this one impacting the road right in front of Scourge’s front left tire.ย ย It took a dive into the newly created pothole, and Scourge leapt into the air from the impact.ย Trying to avoid the crash, the truck transformed into robot mode and took the landing rolling.ย Scourge crashed into a roadside tree, completely taking it down and several hydro poles.
“Yes!ย That shot was one in a million!” shouted Harrison.
“Squee squee!” agreed Ripper.
“It was our last shell?ย Well at least you made it count!” said Harrison to his friend.
Behind them, Scourge was recovering from the crash, and resuming chase on foot.ย He began running, with a loud stomp.ย Suddenly, just as Harrison was beginning to gain ground, they heard another loud explosion.
“Front tire out!!” cried Harrison.ย Their speed dropped dramatically.ย Suddenly Scourge was gaining ground again.
“I’m afraid I’m all out of tricks,” said Harrison.ย He checked the side door.ย His trusty boomerang was stored there.ย If worse came to worse, that was all he had left for a weapon.ย It had saved his life many times in the past, against demons and knights, but could it even dent one of Unicron’s minions?ย The car was crawling now, and Scourge was running.
“Squee!ย Squee!” exclaimed Ripper, pointing at his screen.ย “Squeeeee!”ย He was studying an image from the rear car camera.ย He had it zoomed in on Scourge’s head.
“What is it, little friend?ย …Oh, really?ย I see it.ย It is worth a shot.ย Literally.ย Take the wheel.”
With that, Harrison transferred control of Outback over to Ripper’s little screen.ย He retrieved his boomerang from the side door and gripped it firmly.ย Just as Mr. McElroy had taught in fifth grade boomerang class.ย He opened the window, and leaned out.ย As the glass slid down, rain and wind poured into the car, jarring it slightly on its course.
“Hold tight Ripper, and keep it steady,” instructed Harrison.ย He leaned out the window, boomerang arm outstretched.ย He focused his eyes on the mighty robot, each booming step bringing it closer to their crawling car.ย Harrison took a deep breath.ย He was one with the boomerang.ย Before he knew he was even throwing it, he had released it true on its course.ย He watched as the object, too small to be worthy of Scourge’s attention, sailed closer and closer to its target.
Impact.
The small antenna mounted to Scourge’s head was knocked askew, disabling it.ย With that, suddenly all communications returned!ย Ripper had correctly surmised that the extraneous antenna was jamming all their signals.ย And with another one in a million shot, Harrison had just given them another chance.
Suddenly the phone burst to life!ย Ripper answered in glee.
“Harrison!ย Ripper!ย It’s us!ย Mike and Dr. K!ย Come in!”
Harrison could hardly hold in his relief.ย “Oh thank Primus!ย We just un-jammed our Decepticon friend but he remains in pursuit and is in robot mode!ย We have minutes!”
The phone crackled.ย “We have your location…” said Mike, cutting out.ย Ripper looked behind and saw that Scourge had stopped to re-align his jamming antenna.ย “…stay on course…” crackled Mike.ย “Look for the signal…”ย Crackle!ย “…hit the ditch…”ย came more words.ย “…keep going!”
“I don’t understand!” said Harrison, but it was too late.ย They were jammed again.ย Harrison hit the accelerator.ย Behind them, Scourge was back in truck mode.
Harrison pushed the pedal down as hard as he could, but it was no use.ย The truck’s front bumper was now in contact!ย Harrison felt the car lose control as Scourge pushed him down the highway.
Suddenly there was a light ahead.ย Headlights blinded Harrison and Ripper.
“Mike said to hit the ditch, this must be it!”ย Harrison swerved off the road.ย Rolling into a ditch and landing in a cornfield, the chase was over for Outback.
Meanwhile, behind them, Scourge was blinded but kept going at top speed straight down the highway.ย Passing the headlights of Jazz on the left hand side of the road, Scourge barreled straight into a sparkling, orange portal.ย At roadside, Dr. K. was using her Sling Clarinet, opening a portal into the Schnauzerverse.
“Noooooo!” screamed Scourge as he sailed through.ย With a flourish, Dr. K closed the portal as quickly as she opened it.
“He’ll be sleeping in the doghouse now!” punned Dr. K.
“Don’t forget him when he’s gone!” said Mike, high-fiving his sister as he got out of the car.ย ย “Harrison and Ripper!”
Mike took off at a run into the cornfield, where he could clearly see the headlights of Harrison’s car.ย Still carrying her bass clarinet, Dr. K joined him.ย Outback lay in the corn on its side, wheels still spinning.
“Squee squee!” they heard coming from the car.ย “We’re OK!”ย said Harrison from a broken window.ย ย “Bruised but not broken.ย Very very sore.ย A tad thirsty.ย Perhaps slightly concussed.”
Mike’s log, stardate…can’t remember.ย A couple days after the encounter with the aliens and Decepticons.ย It’s been a whirlwind but, things have settled down.
I sit again on the front porch of Northern Lights HQ, vigilant as before.ย Jen has returned, and the storm has passed.ย Harrison and Ripper have returned to Australia for recovery.ย The little guy is fine, but Harrison is worse for wear.ย His boomerang arm is expected to make a full recovery.
It is alarming how easily Unicron’s minions can access our universe.ย Mr. Durling is very concerned as well, or at least I am told he is concerned.ย I wasn’t able to speak with him directly, but I did call up Jex and the Night Ranger, who are currently staying with Aaron at the Archive.ย All is well there.ย The Snowman is out of contact during his move to Georgia.ย I understand he’s starting a peach farm.
Et tu Snowman?…could you have betrayed us?
I don’t want to think about that.ย For the moment, that’s not my fish to fry.ย That’s Jex’s ball for now.
Durling has sent us more tech to protect HQ.ย Shield and hologram projectors.ย We can cloak the entire place now.ย To outsiders, it now looks abandoned and empty.ย ย Meanwhile, the bad guys don’t have a clue where Harrison is.ย Which gives us the advantage.ย For Harrison’s safety, this information is being isolated from Snowman’s access.ย Person to person, mouth to mouth, no paper trail, no digital trail.ย Even Durling doesn’t know.
I write these words in my log and I smile. I walk to the roaring fireplace steps away, and I throw the entire log into the fire.ย I stand, and watch the flames grow bright.ย The heat on my face is comforting.
“We have to be careful from now on,” I say as I poke the fire and ensured every last paper burns.
And there I sit, by the fire as it slowly burns out.ย I activate the new shields and cloaks.ย We are safe.ย And I intend to keep us safe.ย I’m going to end this war, and I’m going to need help.
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:ย PHASE ONE โ THE SQUIRREL SAGAย
BREAKING:ย April 1, 2026 – Canada/Australia.ย Mike and Harrison, co-hosts of the YouTube channel “Grab A Stack of Rock”, have announced that their popular programme, 50 Years of Iron Maiden, will take them at least 50 more years to complete.ย This works out to approximately 51 years of Maiden-related programming once completed.ย We reached out to both of them, to ask about this inconceivable task.
“Yes, it’s true,” confirmed Mike.ย “We keep acquiring more and more Maiden stuff, meaning we have to keep adding more and more bonus episodes.”
Harrison added, “As the pedantic one, I don’t like the idea of a show called 50 Years of Iron Maiden taking 51 years to complete, but I do understand the necessity to document every nook and cranny of Maiden.ย They really are one of the bands that deserves to have their discography looked at so thoroughly and completely.”
We asked the duo if 50 Years of Iron Maiden had turned out to be a blessing, or an albatross around their necks?
“A bit of both!” laughed Harrison.ย “This is far more than I signed up for, but at least it means I have to do fewer ‘contractual obligation’ episodes.ย I really wanted to wrap it all up in just 16 months, but here we are at month 16…”
Mike added, “I’m just waiting until the albatross does finally fall from my aching neck.ย But, according to the math, I’ll be 104 years old when we do our final episode in 2076.”
“We’d better get working on the next bonus episode, Mike,” concluded Harrison as he pulled his co-host out of his chair.
“No rest for the wicked,” said Mike as a farewell.ย “Oh wait, no that’s Ozzy.ย Or Helix.ย Or both.ย I haven’t slept in two days.”
And with that, we look forward to the next 50 years of 50 Years of Iron Maiden!ย Coming soon in 2076.
SPASTIC PHONO BAND – “Wings Under Japan” (1980 7″ single, Slipped Disc Records)
INVESTIGATIVE REPORT – 45 years ago…
[Editor’s note:ย the authors of this report have asked to retain their anonymity.]ย
The year:ย The harsh winter of 1980, remembered for its deep cold and snow.ย ย In the realm of popular music, all four Beatles were still alive, even though the band had been broken up for a decade.ย One of the Beatles soon found themselves in a wee bit of trouble.ย This trouble would spill all over the world news, causing rippling effects and ramifications far beyond the shores of England, for that winter in New York State, a band would go on to record a song….
The Beatle in trouble was the still-babyfaced Paul McCartney.ย It was no secret that he was already known for enjoying the green leaf.ย ย Back in 1972, McCartney was arrested in Sweden for possession of Lady Ganja.ย He was released without charges at that time, but his reputation was now cemented.ย McCartney wanted to book a Japanese tour in the mid-70s, but the country was very strict about illegal substances and refused Paul permission to play.ย The fans in Japan would have to do without.
Finally, in 1980, Japan had a change of heart and granted permission for Paul McCartney and Wings to tour in the Land of the Rising Sun.
He just needed to make sure he packed appropriately for the trip.
Paul McCartney is an undisputed musical genius.ย His songs will last 100 years.ย That does not mean that Paul always used his head.ย Despite the scrutiny he was bound to experience upon entering Japan, he decided to bring a stash with him.ย He was arrested upon discovery at the Narita Airport with 220 grams of Hawaiian green.ย Reportedly, he didn’t even attempt to hide the electric lettuce, just packing it in his carry-on bag with his clothing.ย Paul subsequently spent 10 days in the keiji shisetsu (ๅๅๆฝ่จญ); actually the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department.ย Teenage girls numbering about 50 serenaded the station during Prisoner 22’s incarceration.
Unfortunately for Paul, the nature of this arrest and jailing far away from home meant headlines all over the world.ย “PAUL IN CHAINS” and “EX-BEATLE ARRESTED IN JAPAN” went the articles, along with a photo of McCartney being escorted by Japanese officials.ย It was huge news, especially in the UK where it became a bit of a media circus.
The judge in the case determined that McCartney brought the drugs for personal use and not trafficking, and decided that Paul had spent enough time in jail.ย He was taken to the airport, and flown to Holland, where he was (perhaps surprisingly) refused entry.ย He still had time for a chat with the press.
“How did you get out?” asked the reporter.
“Walking on foot,” answered Paul in typical cheeky Beatle humour.
The experience was “a drag” for Paul.ย โI was woken up at six in the morning, then had to sit cross-legged for a roll-call. It was like Bridge on the River Kwai. They shouted out ’22’ in Japanese, and I had to shout back, ‘Hai!'”
The 11 date Japanese tour was cancelled at the cost of 2.5 million dollars and 90,000 tickets.
Did he learn from his experience?
“Now I have made up my mind never to touch the stuff again. From now on, all Iโm going to smoke is straightforward [cigarettes]. No more pot.โย He later acknowledged his own stupidity.ย “Well, to this day I have no idea what made me do it. I donโt know if it was just arrogance or what. Maybe I thought that they wouldnโt open my suitcase.ย I canโt put myself back into that mindset now…to this day I have no idea what made me do it.”
Over in America, shortly after shoveling out from a massive dumping of overnight snow, a young songwriter named “Vic Trola” was inspired to write a song.ย At least that’s how the credits read on the actual record.ย A recent online theory postulated that “Vic Trola” was indeed a pseudonym, but these writings are mostly found in conspiracy theory discussions.ย A fringe group that splintered off the main conspiracy theory group added that “Vic” was short for “Victoria”, not “Victor” as previously assumed.ย ย These theories are largely dismissed by the other groups.ย Our own extensive research has failed to unearth any other compositions written by Trola; just the one that you are reading about today.ย We do know, thanks to documents obtained in the process of researching this article, that after catching their breath from shoveling the drive on that cold winter day, Trola went inside and began writing.ย The surviving notes from Vic Trola’s respirologist confirm these facts.
Vic Trola’s song, as it evolved into its final form, was the product of on-stage gigging by the mysterious Spastic Phono Band, and that is where our story really begins.ย Though their names are now lost to time, and their relationship to Vic Trola is clouded, we do know that they consisted of a tight rhythm section.ย Both the drummer and bassist were exceptional.ย They boasted a dual guitar configuration, and multiple lead singers including one female vocalist who appears prominently on their sole recording called “Wings Under Japan”.
The Spastic Phono Band had experience.ย They had already been working on a set of originals and comedic covers.ย Favourite hits by Santana and the Might Zep were endowed with new witty words, and they found an audience who shared their sense of musical comicality.ย Encouraged by the audience reception to these songs, the Spastic Phono Band turned their attention to the hot news of the day:ย Paul’s arrest in Japan.ย Presumably with Vic Trola’s lyrical input, they started playing bits of his Beatles and Wings hits in a medley.ย Egged on by the crowd, and adding throwaway lyrics here and there, the song “sort of wrote itself”, according to a maraca player who claims to have been there at the time (and requested complete anonymity).ย It took only three or four shows for the song to come together as we know it today.ย The Paul medley became an instant live hit.ย The crowds ate it up.ย They learned the words, sang along and shouted for more!ย Clearly, the song needed to be recorded in a studio, and put out on a record.
Unfortunately for the band and Vic Trola, who were based out of Liverpool (New York, pop. 2400), there were few studios around within the reasonable driving distance of a beaten-up touring van.ย Their studio of choice would be unavailable for three weeks, and time was of the essence.ย The Paul story was hot now, not later!ย Even if they recorded the song immediately, it would have to be mastered and pressed at a record plant, meaning they had to act immediately.ย The scarcity of nearby studios presented a challenge.ย Would these young musical minds be able to publish their Paul pastiche in time?
As they used to say, the Spastic Phono Band let their fingers do the walking:ย They picked up the phone and eventually connected to something that somehow passed as a recording studio.ย The old schoolhouse that they booked was certainly was not conceived as a studio when it was built in the last decade of the 1800s.ย The top floor housed the recording space, but in a decidedly inconvenient design and safety choice, it was only accessible via an outdoor fire escape.ย All the band’s equipment had to be hauled up the emergency exit:ย drum after drum after drum, followed by amp after amp.ย Bags were passed from vehicle to musician and up the fire escape, which wobbled with every tentative step.ย Also, it was winter.ย Members of the band were not sure if they were going to survive the combination of snow and ice, metal steps, and gravity.ย ย To our great fortune, they did.
The studio owner was also the engineer, and his soul still lived in the 1950s.ย He didn’t grasp the nuance, or understand the Spastic Phono Band’s particular brand of humour.ย He did, however, have a friendly personality and got along with the band.ย A good sounding record began to take shape on tape.ย The band nicknamed the engineer “Eddie”, a reference to a classic Leave It To Beaver character, Eddie Haskell.ย Eddie’s studio had all the necessary equipment (minus an elevator).ย He even had an ARP synthesizer which can be heard on two segments of the recording: “Silly Drug Laws“ and “Banned in Japan”.ย Though the band did not have the budget to spend more time in the studio to do some further work on the guitars, the band climbed down the fire escape holding in their mittens a reel-to-reel tape of their hard-earned work.ย Physicists specializing in the behaviour of water at low temperatures speculate that the tape was almost dropped once on the way down, but saved from an icy fate in the snow.
The schoolhouse was demolished in 2025 at 131 years old.
Though recorded, the song still had to be mastered and cut to vinyl.ย With time slipping away, and Paul McCartney finally starting to experience a decline in the media frenzy over his Japanese vacation in the big house, the Spastic Phono Band were in an ever-increasing time crunch.ย Their song, heavily dependent on McCartney’s imprint in the public consciousness, had to make its way to a physical record that you could buy.ย Their preferred manufacturer was fully booked and the band could not wait any longer.ย The track was complete, mixed and ready to be masteredโฆbut where?
Through furious searching and some tense bidding on eBay, we have obtained some of the logs, unfortunately anonymous, detailing the following sequence of events of the recording:
Monday.
Tempus is fugiting.ย Much to our dismay, the cute Beatleโs troubles in the Far East are rapidly becoming old news.ย Also with windchill, it is about four degrees today.
The Paul story was soon displaced by other current events.ย The Iranian Revolution made fresh headlines, and soon came the hostage crisis.ย Front pages were dominated by the tense 444 day crisis, during which 66 Americans were held hostage at the US Embassy in Tehran.ย ย As it happens, another band in the same area as the Spastic Phono Band, a trio, were working on a song referencing these events.ย One of the songs in their regular set, popular in some of the local Irish venues around the area, was Jerry Jeff Walker’s “London Homesick Blues”.ย It featured the unique chorus of “I wanna go home with the armadillo.”ย (Who wouldn’t?)ย ย This was easily adapted into “I’ve had enough of the Ayatollah”.ย The clever lyrical substitute worked, and the band approached the club owners documented only as “The Brothers Three”.ย The Brothers actually owned three clubs, which seemed poetic.ย The Brothers Three liked the song, feeling that it tapped into the sentiment of the day.ย The reached into their pockets and financed a studio recording of the Walker cover.ย They were now in the record business.
The Spastic Phono Band, who were familiar with the trio in question, learned of this.ย Realizing it was a good idea, they decided to make their own pitch to the Brothers Three.
Wednesday.
They went for it.ย Sure, they argued a bit and the oldest one may have smacked the youngest one, but we did get a unanimous decision.ย The Brothers Three are going to allow us to use the disc maker where they pressed the Ayatollah record.ย ย
The record would be made in a little postage-stamp sized record plant (if you could call it that) in Connecticut.
Tuesday.ย
One of the Brothers Three picked me up in his MG convertible today.ย We took the tape to a dumpy little record pressing company.ย Mission accomplished.ย We ordered 300 copies to be made.ย ย Then headed home, but my companion driving the convertible decided to put the top down.ย It may be February thaw, but it was so cold I still don’t have feeling back in my nose.ย Considering calling an otolaryngologist.
Frozen noses aside, when the boxes containing 300 copies of “Wings Under Japan” finally arrived, the McCartney story was equally cold.
Friday.
Believe it or not, there isn’t a lot of demand for a record by a band that nobody’s heard of.
The records were delivered to stores, who tried their best to push it, but were fighting an uphill battle. The record was not a hit.ย The 300 copies did eventually end up in the hands of the public.ย There are no documents detailing any sales, so we do not know if the band sold them at shows, or by mail order, or any of the other quaint methods available in 1980.ย ย Mr. McCartney never stumbled upon the record, as far as the evidence suggests.ย At least, we know he hasn’t sued.ย But could he even locate the Spastic Phono Band if he wanted to?ย We could not.ย Vic Trola has pulled a DB Cooper:ย Taken the money (if any) and flown.
Though only the original 300 copies were made, we were able to track one down for this article.ย It was clearly loved in its previous home.
Housed in a yellow-brown sleeve (the original?), the 45 has a nice maroon label, stating this is on Slipped Disc Records.ย Charmingly, the song “Wings Under Japan” is split over the two sides…sides 3 and 4.ย (It has been suggested that this release, with sides 3 and 4 instead of 1 and 2), gave George Lucas the idea to number The Empire Strikes Back as Episode V instead of Episode II as expected.ย With that film releasing in May 1980, we cannot completely dismiss the claim.)
The track is just over seven minutes combined.
Leavin’ on a Japanese roadtrip, Headin’ down a London runway, Paul said ‘I need to bring along some good weed, Because it helps me relax when I play.’
Guffaw!ย The song begins with a spoof of “The Ballad of John and Yoko”, now called “The Ballad of Paul and Linda”, with a similar structure, but words about Paul.ย “The way things are gooooin’, they’re gonna scrutinize me!”ย And they did…but not long enough for the Spastic Phono Band.ย The song continues.
Staring at the man with the baggie. Paul said, ‘Maybe I’m amazed! It only amounts to less than half an ounce, Why do you have to get so carried away?’
In perhaps the most obvious yet fun twist, the song then goes into Wings’ “Hi Hi Hi”…but re-written as “High High High”.ย This is funny because it’s so obvious, it had to be done.ย It’s amazing nobody else did it.ย Incidentally the harmony vocals in this section are rich and excellent.
Next up in the Paul medley is “Silly Love Songs”, redone as “Silly Drug Laws”.ย “What’s wrong with drugs, I’d like to know, ’cause here I go again!ย I’m in jail…”ย Another example of great singing by the Spastic Phono Band, but listen to that 1970s groove and the dexterous bassline!ย This is some serious playing.
Side “3” ends, and so we flip to side “4”.ย Fortunately in the modern era, we can use our digital capture software to seamlessly edit the two into one track!ย Next is “Band On the Run”, revised as “Banned In Japan”.ย In this case, the original song is almost a medley of different sections itself.ย The Spastic Phono Band do several of them here.ย “Stuck inside these stone walls, might be here forever!”ย There is a poignant moment coming here, frozen in time.ย Little did they know that John Lennon had only months to live, for in December of 1980, he would be murdered in New York.ย So to hear the line, “I’ll join with Ringo, and George and John and we’ll put the reunion on,” reminds us that finite period of time when such a thing was indeed possible.
A brief pause and then, just like on Abbey Road, wait for a Beatles-y coda.
“Wings Under Japan” is, quite frankly, one of the best parody medley songs (or however you want to describe it) you’ll ever find, for three reasons.
The mystery.ย Who are the Spastic Phono Band anyway?ย We may never know.ย (Or, more accurately…we may never tell.)
The musical prowess.ย There is some serious playing and singing on this brief single, and your life would be richer if you heard it.
Though depicting events before some of you were born, the lyrics are still hilarious due to the timeless nature of weed jokes.
Harrison stumbled into the Writer’s Room more dishevelled than Mike had ever seen him before.ย He had dark circles under his eyes, his hair had strands going hither and thon, though his moustache was still as impeccable as ever.ย He looked a lot like Geezer Butler on this morning.
Mike was as perky as usual, sitting in his chair at the board table, sipping a hot coffee.
“Coffee?” he asked Harrison as the Australian Mad Metal Man took his seat.ย Under his arm, a binder full of notes.ย He opened the book and declined the drink.
“You look beat,” said Mike to Harrison with a tad of concern.
“It’s like your boys the Arkells say,” answered Harrison.ย “We got deadlines to meet.”
It was true.ย In addition to writing the Adventures of the Northern Lights, Mike and Harrison were also knee-deep in their latest project:ย a series of videos called 50 Years of Iron Maiden.
“That’s why I called this meeting,” replied Mike.ย “We both have a lot of stuff going on, especially with 50 Years of Iron Maiden.ย I think we need to discuss priorities.”
Harrison nodded and agreed.ย “I believe 50 Years of Iron Maiden should be our top priority now.ย As far as our adventures go, we have for now calmed the Multiverse and there have not been further incursions from our Decepticon foes.ย We have stopped the urgency of the fictional situations for now and introduced some intriguing threads.ย I am OK if we take a break.”
Mike shrugged.ย “That’s more or less what I was going to say, even though this is actually around the three year anniversary of our stories.”
Harrison thought a moment.ย “I forgot that.ย I don’t think it’s a big deal to anyone but us, though.”
“Here, you need to drink something,” said Mike as he poured Harrison a sparkling water from a local Canadian spring.ย “A toast.ย To three years of our superhero adventures…and 50 years of Iron Maiden.”
“Cheers,” said Harrison as he sipped.
“Cheers,” responded Mike.
They both enjoyed their drinks for a moment before Mike spoke.
“Alright, onto business.ย Let’s see the art for the Seventh Son episode!ย Allons-y!”
With that, Harrison opened his folder and the boys began jamming on ideas.ย It would be a productive day.
The end…for now.
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:ย PHASE ONE โ THE SQUIRREL SAGAย
THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga
Chapter Four:ย The Glitch in the Matrix
Starring:
Mike the Brainiac
Harrison El Moustachio
Aaronย
Jex Rambo
and a returning villain!
Walking through downtown Toronto, the four Northern Lights were incognito!ย Aaron was wearing a long blonde wig.ย The Brainiac had a fake moustache upon his face.ย Moustachio, already having his own moustache, dyed his flesh tone so it could not be seen.ย Jex wore a shirt as his disguise.ย He was clearly uncomfortable, having cloth on his chest for a change.
“Mes amis, why am I wearing a shirt again?” he asked his companions.
“It’s like the Tommy Lee disguise: wearing a pair of pants!” answered the Brainiac.
“Non, non!” replied Jex.ย “I understand.ย But why are we wearing disguises?”
“I can answer that,” responded Moustachio.ย “Mr. Durling has sent us to Toronto on a mission of utmost importance, and he doesn’t want us recognized.ย He fears that if someone sees us here, they will attempt to find out what we’re looking for.”
Jex nodded in understanding.ย “Makes sense,” he responded.ย “After all, finding Rush Chronicles on vinyl has been a mission of his for many years.”
Aaron, the group’s navigator, was checking out road signs.ย “I’m just finding my way here…Snow Dog records is about four blocks due west.”ย He pointed straight ahead.ย “The proprietor Bytor is an old friend of mine.ย He’ll know where to find a copy in this city.”ย Aaron swished his blonde locks out of his face.ย “I can’t say I care for this wig though.ย I’m not in the mood for this hair in my face.”
“Don’t complain!” commented Jex.ย “I have to wear a shirt!ย C’est nul!ย Why can’t I just wear a hat or some sunglasses?”
“Because nobody would ever expect you to be wearing a shirt,” answered the Brainiac logically.ย “We can wear the rose of romance, an air of joie de vivre, but we would be recognized too easily and tip off our enemies.”
“I think I’m going bald,” said Harrison as he rubbed his scalp, “but that’s neither here nor ‘hair’.”
“Hah-hah,” answered Aaron.ย “Anyway we’ll be there in just a few more minutes.”
It was dark inside the Snow Dog record store, like a tomb of Hades lit by flickering torchlight.
“Hello?” asked Aaron as he rang the bell at the front counter.ย Then, out of the lamplight emerged the owner, Bytor.ย He was a large man with long brown beard and hair tied back in a ponytail.
“MR. BOOKS!” he proclaimed, embracing Aaron with a large bearhug.ย “What’s with the Nelson wig, man?”
“That’s a long story.ย It would take me at least 2112 pages to explain to you everything that’s happened since we last met.”ย He paused and gestured to the other Northern Lights gathered in his store.ย “These are my friends, Mike, Harrison and Jex.”
“Nice to meet you guys,” answered Bytor.ย “What can I help you with today?”
Harrison, the man known as El Moustachio with an invisible moustache, stepped forward.ย “We’re on a mission to retrieve a rare vinyl copy of Chronicles by Rush.ย We’ve checked the subdivisions with no luck, so now we’re here in the big city.”ย He stopped a moment to think.ย “This is actually my first trip to Toronto,” he said.ย “I’ve only ever seen Thunder Bay, Kitchener and Kincardine.”
Bytor laughed a big belly laugh.ย “Thunder Bay, Kitchener and Kincardine?ย Well you’ll find we have far more vinyl here in Toronto, entre-nous!”
“But do you have the record?” asked Jex.
“Rush Chronicles on vinyl?ย I do not, but I have plenty of crates for you boys to dig through.ย I’m sure you’ll find something.ย I have Chronicles on cassette if you want that?”
“We’re on a mission from a very particular man,” answered Harrison.ย “He only needs the vinyl and he is willing to pay top dollar.”
Bytor shook his head.ย “Sadly I can’t help you.ย Write down your information and I’ll be sure to call you if I see one, Mr. Top Dollar!”
Dejected, the quartet left their information and departed Snow Dog records.
“Well that was a waste of time,” said the Brainiac, usually the pessimistic one.ย “Aren’t we even going to stay and go crate digging?”
“On Durling’s dime?ย Are you crazy?ย He’ll send the Night Ranger after us!” answered Moustachio.
Jex laughed at this.ย “Non, non, mes amis, Tim Durling wouldn’t hurt a fly.ย Let’s go back, let’s dig some crates!ย What are we in a rush for?”ย He paused and laughed at his own pun.
The quartet turned back and were shocked at what they saw.ย Snow Dog records was no longer there!ย A boarded up window with flyers stapled all over it was all they saw.ย Brainiac stepped forward tentatively, and felt the plywood of the boards, not trusting his own eyes.
“Guys…what just happened?” he asked his three friends.
The four stared at the boards.ย Moustachio scratched his head.ย Aaron stood dumbfounded, brushing the hair out of his eyes, unbelieving.ย Jex looked just as puzzled, while the Brainiac had fear in his eyes.
Aaron turned to look at his friends.ย “That wasn’t just some fly by night record shop,” he told them.ย “Snow Dog records opened in 1975!ย They’ve been in this very spot for 50 years!ย What is happening here?”
“A glitch in the matrix?” asked the Brainiac, only half joking.
“Or worse,” gulped Harrison, stroking his invisible moustache for comfort.ย “I advise caution.”
“I agree mon ami,” nodded Jex.ย “I suggest we retrace our steps.ย Let me check the map on my phone to confirm our location.”
Jex took his phone from his shirt pocket while muttering something about how stupid it was that he had to wear a shirt.ย He scrolled and blinked and scrolled some more.
“Guys…” he asked with a quaver in his voice.ย “Do any of you have a signal?”ย The other three took out their phones and held them up to the sky at various angles.ย Brainiac shook his in his hand, while Aaron groaned.ย No signals.
“It’s a trap,” whispered Harrison.ย “We’re in a simulation.”
“What!?” asked the other three simultaneously (Jex in French).ย “When did that happen?” asked the Frenchman.ย “We all met at the Kincardine airport.ย We drove straight here with one stop at Tim Horton’s.ย Aaron got us parked, we walked, and about 20 minutes later we were at Snow Dog!ย What was real and what was simulation?ย This is freaking me out guys, I don’t mind telling you.”
Mike stepped over and rubbed his friend’s muscular shoulders.ย Wow, he thought to himself.ย This guy is built!ย Aloud, he said something more comforting.ย “It’s OK Jex.ย We’re all here together, wherever we are.ย Harrison and I have dealt with weirder stuff before.ย Stick close.ย We’re all going to get home.ย Now, I suggest we all stay put.ย Don’t move.ย Just observe.ย Look for anything out of the ordinary.”
Instinctively the group formed a circle, facing outward.ย Jex was watching the traffic.ย Mike had his eyes in the sky, looking towards the upper levels of buildings and beyond.ย Aaron and Harrison carefully examined each and every person walking on the streets of simulated Toronto.
Harrison ahem’ed.ย “I don’t mean to cause any alarm…but there are two of that man in the red hat.”ย He pointed towards a tall man in a red toque.ย “No, three…wait…”
The group began to realize there were duplicate copies of every person and every car.ย Entire clusters of people and groups of cars would pass by them multiple times.ย It was like a old fashioned cartoon where they just recycled all the same footage to save time and money.
Suddenly, Mike snapped his fingers.ย “Solved it!”
“Huh?ย How?” asked Moustachio.
“Repeated groups…over and over again…like an old style cartoon, when they had to repeat backgrounds and background characters over and over again to save time and money!ย That’s the answer!ย Who do we know that is stingy enough to go so cheap on a simulation like this?”
The group mumbled among themselves, but could not come to a conclusion.
“Cut to the chase Mike,” ushered Jex.ย “Who’s behind this?”
Mike smiled.ย “Did any of you guys watch Pam and Tommy on Disney+?”ย The group shook their heads no.
“I have two kids Mike, I don’t know what TV is anymore!” chided Jex.
“Well, in that show, Tommy Lee stiffed the carpenter that was renovating his house, Seth Rogen.ย Wouldn’t pay him.ย That’s what triggered everything that happened.ย Seth Rogen stole that VHS tape and sold it to recoup his costs and have some revenge on Tommy Lee.ย Think about it!ย Most of our enemies are super-rich!ย Tommy Lee’s the only one who’s got a thing for going cheap on anything that isn’t his.ย He wouldn’t pay for a full-on simulation!ย He’d go cheap and half-ass it!ย That’s who’s behind this!”
“I’ve never had the displeasure of encountering Mr. Lee in my adventures,” informed Harrison, “But I’ve read all the files.ย Your predecessor, Brainiac I, had multiple encounters with Tommy Lee.ย It is possible Lee has a vendetta.”
“A ven-whatta?” came a voice from above.ย “My duuuuuuuuuudes!ย You figured it out!!”
“Show yourself, Lee!” shouted Harrison to the simulated sky.
“Hahah, OK!ย Sure thing, bro!”ย Suddenly, before the group appeared four duplicates of Tommy Lee!ย Simulated Tommy’s, all with the same grin on their faces.
“Grace under pressure, guys!” advised the Brainiac.
“How come he doesn’t have to wear a shirt, but I do??” asked Jex incredulously.
“I think we can take off our disguises,” answered the Brainiac.ย “Show ‘im why you’re called Jex Rambo!”
With that, Jex ripped his shirt off and roared.ย Aaron tore the wig from his head and put on his war face.ย The Brainiac removed his fake moustache, and handed it to Harrison to compensate for his dyed one.
“Northern Lights…kick ass!” commanded the Brainiac.
The four Tommy’s rushed towards them while the Northern Lights took a defensive stance.ย Aaron kicked one Tommy in the nuts.ย Jex lifted one Tommy into the air, and threw him directly at another Tommy.ย The last Tommy seemed to malfunction and ran right past the group, heading into a simulated tattoo parlour, presumably to get a simulated tattoo.
“Is that all you have, Lee?” taunted the Brainiac.ย “Turn off this simulation and show yourself for real this time.ย We’re unarmed.”ย He raised his hands to prove a point.
Like moving pictures, the simulation…shifted.ย Windows slid down into the ground, doors dissolved, and the sky changed to metal.ย Time seemed to stand still.ย ย Like an afterimage, the Toronto before them disappeared as if they were making memories.ย Now, before them, were the shining silver walls of an alien flying saucer.
“Yeah dudes!ย It’s me Tommy Lee from Motley Crue!ย Welcome to the Bouncy Castle amigos!ย That’s what I call this place, I like to hang here with my alien bros!”
“How long have we been aboard, Lee?” asked Harrison with caution.
“Dudes, you’ve been on this ship ever since you met up at the airport.ย That wasn’t a car you got into, that was this ship!ย See, we got some upgrades boys.ย There’s a new boss in town and he’s not the same as the old boss: Uni-ball.”
“Unicron,” corrected Harrison.ย “And yes I’ve met your boss.”
Merde! thought Jex to himself.ย Tommy Lee works for Unicron now!
“And now, prepare for my boot in your ass!” exclaimed Lee as he launched himself towards the four.ย Effortlessly, Jex took him down with a karate chop to the neck.
“OW!” screamed Lee in pain.ย “Bro!!ย That’s not cool man!”
“Well what did you expect, Tommy!?” asked Jex incredulously.ย “Seriously!ย And what the hell do you want anyway!”
Tommy Lee rubbed his tattooed neck with his tattooed hand, as he winced in pain.ย “You didn’t have to do that, man!ย ย I was just trying to get to know you guys a little better!ย My boss, Uni-ball, told me to spy on you, so I figured I’d show you a good time.ย A simulated record store seemed like something you’d enjoy, until it glitched up.”ย Tommy seemed…apologetic.ย “I wasn’t gonna hurt you guys.ย Nobody got hurt, right?”
“You did,” laughed Harrison.
“Oh yeah!ย I did!” laughed Tommy.
Aaron started to think.ย He paused several moments, and then asked his question.ย “Tommy…if you don’t wanna hurt anyone…why do you keep working for the bad guys?”
Tommy laughed.ย “Dude, I wrote a song called ‘Bad Boy Boogie’!ย I’m the bad boy of rock and roll!ย Who else would I side with?”
“He’s got a point,” said the Brainiac.ย “So Tommy, I guess this means you’re not interested in joining us, the good guys?ย You realize that…Uni-ball..is going to eat the Earth, right?ย He’s literally going to kill everyone you know.ย That’s what he does.”
Tommy laughed again.ย “Hahah, yeah dude!ย I saw that movie too!ย And I…don’t give a fuck!ย Not about Earth!ย Unicron is going to take me, my family, and my friends somewhere awesome after this.ย I get to be king of my own planet dude!ย Oh, don’t give me that look.ย Fucking self-righteous superheroes!ย You’d say yes too.ย Especially since there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him.ย You should be joining me, dudes.ย You could hang out with me and all my buds in paradise for the rest of your lives, or longer!ย Unicron says he can keep us alive forever.”
“As what?ย A cyborg slave to him?ย No thanks!” answered Moustachio.ย “I speak for all of us when I say, no way.”
“No way!” echoed the other three.
“Well, fuck you!” said Tommy, as he spat on the ground.
“That does it,” said Jex in as calm a voice as he could muster.ย He took three steps towards Tommy Lee, put him in a headlock, and a simultaneous standing leglock.ย Tommy winced in pain.
“Ow, dude, stop, fuck!” moaned the Motley Crue drummer.
“This is what’s going to happen, Tommy.ย You’re going to set us down somewhere safe, and you’re going to open those doors and lower that ramp.ย Then, after we get off, you leave this planet.ย Or, I break your neck.ย Your choice Tommy.”ย Jex was not kidding.
“But I got a gig at the Roxy next week!!” complained Tommy in pain.
“I do know one thing,” said Jex.ย “One choice or another, you’re not making that gig next week.”ย He tightened his grip.
“Fine fine let go!ย I’ll…I’ll leave Earth,” submitted Tommy Lee, as Jex released his grip.ย Lee took a remote control from his pocket and hit a button.ย The doors to the craft opened, and a ramp lowered.ย Outside, the four could see airplanes parked on a runway.
“We never left the airport!” gasped Aaron.
“Nah dude, why not park my spaceship at an airport, right?” said Tommy.
Mike shrugged.ย “Makes sense.ย Well, we’re not going to make it back to Toronto in time to go shopping anymore.ย You guys may as well crash at the cottage tonight and we’ll make a go of it tomorrow.”ย He then turned to Tommy Lee.ย “You may have aliens, but we have a Jex.ย You mess with us again, and he’ll make sure it’s the last time.ย We clear?”
“Yeah dude,” mumbled Tommy.ย He then raised the ramp.ย “I just wanted to be friends, you dicks!” he yelled as the doors closed.
“Good riddance,” said Aaron.ย “I never thought I’d say this in my life, but I never want to see Tommy Lee again.”
“Me neither,” said Harrison.ย “But do you think that’s the last we’ll see of him?”
Jex grimaced.ย “Not a chance.ย He lied.ย He’ll be back.ย And when he does…”
“When he does,” cautioned Mike, “the Northern Lights will be there.”
The end.
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:ย PHASE ONE โ THE SQUIRREL SAGAย
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