Fiction

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation

EDIE VAN HEELIN’S CANADIAN VACATION

Fanboy Mike had a roaring fire going.  First fire of the season!  Early spring was a remarkable time at the cottage.  It was not yet too hot, but wearing shorts was still possible.  Birds chirped above.  Green was returning to the world.  Peace was in the cool air all around him.  Decked out in his best camo shorts, Crocs, and Croclights, Mike was preparing for company.  For today he was expecting a visit from his good pal and all around superhero, Edie Van Heelin’.  Her adventures kept her busy – retrieving lost Lego from the forces of evil, defeating a rogue Tommy Lee, battling aliens – but every hero deserves a vacation, and Edie Van Heelin’ set aside this whole weekend for just visiting.  No hero-ing, no saving the animals this weekend, just hanging out and having a good time.  Mike was looking forward to it.

On a laptop on the deck, he had the tunes blaring.  Starting with Fair Warning by Van Halen, he thought back to the first time he met Edie at a club.  Her tribute band Van Heelin’ were just starting to make a name for themselves and he was blown away with her technique on guitar.  Every hammer-on and pull-off was perfect, and she didn’t even chip a nail.  She had it all:  the glam and the skills.  This weekend was gonna rock!  David Lee Roth warned of “Mean Street” while Mike smiled cleaning the grill, preparing for a weekend of steak and veggies.

Periodically as he worked (and played air guitar), he looked up to the sky.  Edie should be rocketing here any moment.  Where was she?  It wasn’t like her to be late.

“We’re searching for the latest thing, a break in this routine, talkin’ some new kicks, ones like you ain’t never seen!” sceamed Roth.

“Yeah man!” whooped Mike as he punched the air.  “This weekend will rock!”  Back home, his beloved wife Jen had a girl’s weekend lined up, and was letting him cut loose a little extra hard this time.  No compulsory Tim Horton’s runs, no hockey, and music as loud as he wanted it.  But where was Edie?

It was then that he heard a honking in the driveway.  He ran around to the front of the cottage to see a jeep towing a sizeable trailer pulling in!  The sound of “American Girl” by Tom Petty poured from the windows.

“The heck?  Who’s this?” he wondered.

The jeep squeezed in as far it could.  With roof and windows off, the vehicle was prepared for summer.  With its massive trailer, it took up virtually the whole driveway.  The engine stopped, and driver’s side door opened.

Decked out in a short, low cut floral spring dress, and some cute wedges that tied around the ankles, stepped Edie Van Heelin’ in full Vacation Mode!

“Whoah Edie!  You drove?” exclaimed Mike in shock.

“You bet I did!” she answered as they hugged.  “Had to bring my new portable Shoe Shed.  We have work to do!”

Mike stepped back.  “Waaaaaaait a minute.  We agreed.  We’re not hero-ing this weekend.  We’re taking it easy.  That was the plan.”

Edie removed her shades.  “You did tell me we’d take pictures, Fanboy!  ‘Best sunsets in the world’ – that’s what you said right?”

“Yes, but…” he began to answer.

“Well this is how I take pictures!” she answered matter-of-factly.  “How am I supposed to know which pair of heels to wear?  Had to bring them all.”

Mike nodded his head.  “Of course.  Silly of me!”  He motioned toward the front steps.  “Please, follow me!  I’ll put on some tea and get you settled.  Oh, and I’ll put on some tunes for you – Fleetwood Mac?”  Edie nodded yes, and Mike put on “Songbird”.  As Christine McVie’s voice began to take over the living room, another sound began to creep through the walls.  A loud vehicle outside.

Mike peered out through the windows.

“Ah, no.  Renters!  Crap!” he exclaimed.

“Renters, is that bad?” asked Edie.

“I guess we’ll see,” cautioned Mike as he saw a man get out of a large black pickup truck at the property across the road.  “He’s already almost blocking the path to the lake, so that’s not a good start.”

“Ignore it,” advised Edie with a smile.  “Let’s get the fun started!”

With that, tea was brewed, music was selected, deck chairs arranged, hammock installed, and heels selected.  The weekend had officially begun.


“There must be some kind of way outta here, said the joker to the thief,” sang Bob Dylan from the front porch of the cottage.  “There’s too much confusion, I can’t get no relief.”

Mike was seated at his laptop on the deck, while Edie had strung a hammock from the porch to the Shoe Shed.   She was reading a book:  Utopia by Saint Sir Thomas More. It was the perfect setup.

“Thanks for picking the Dylan version, Mike!” said Edie with a thumbs-up.  She caught some sun in a bathing suit.

“I know what you like!” he answered.  “Next up:  CSNY!”  Edie raised her tea in salute.

Then, from across the road, much louder music began to overpower theirs.

“DUHR, DUHR, DUHR…DUHR, DUHR, DU-DUHR…DUHR, DUHR, DUHR…”

“Damn renters!” exclaimed Mike.  He paused a moment to listen.  “Is that Deep Purple?”

“‘Smoke on the Water’!” said Edie as he muffled her ears.  “I hate Deep Purple!”

Mike grimaced.  “I know, I know…but regardless of our differing opinions on the Deepest of Purples, I’ll go talk to the guy, this is ridiculous.”

“I’m coming with you,” said Edie as she swung her giant wedges 90 degrees and got out of the hammock.  The pair made their way to the front door of the large white cottage across the road and knocked loudly.

A grizzled looking man with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other could be seen coming to the door.  Tufts of black hair poured out of his too-small T-shirt.  As he approached, so did the stench of sweat and alcohol.

“What can I do you for?” asked the renter in the stained white T-shirt.  “Name’s Sooner.  George Sooner.”

“I’m Mike and this is Edie,” I said as Edie nodded.  “Can you turn down the Deep Purple?  We can’t hear ourselves across the road there.”

The man looked Edie up and down.  “Edie huh?  You don’t look like you’re from around here,” he dismissed.

“Neither are you!” she countered.

He clenched his jaw and grit his teeth.  “I’ll turn it down,” he spat as he closed the door and walked away.

“Gross!  What a jerk!” said Edie.  “Come on, let’s go.  Ignore him.  Let’s go take some pictures at the beach.”

“Good idea,” responded Mike.  “I’ll go get my tripod and camera.”


Edie stood precariously upon a rock jutting from the shallows of Lake Huron, posing up a storm!  Having selected a slightly less towering pair of wedges, she switched from leg to leg as she played to the camera.  She was killing it.  The lake was wavy, and though she was certainly getting splashed, she was steady and sure on her legs and perfectly in control.

“Pretend you’re playing guitar!” instructed Mike from his vantage point with the camera.  “Rock your hair around and get the air guitar out!”  Edie grinned and started strumming out a grooving rhythm in time with the waves, on her air guitar.  “That’s perfect, keep going!” encouraged Mike.

A loud noise began to drown him out, a motorized vehicle nearby.  Looking over his right shoulder, he spied George Sooner approaching in an ATV.  Going far too fast for this little beach, he kicked up a wave of sand onto Mike he he passed.

Mike spat sand out of his mouth, and tried to get it out of his eyes.  “What a dick!” he muttered, shaking more sand out of his hair.  Edie stared at Sooner disapprovingly.

“Let’s go further down the beach,” shouted Edie over the waves.  “Away from this guy.”  Sooner was busy getting a jet ski ready to take out, and it seemed like a pretty good idea.  Mike nodded OK, and Edie began stepping her way from rock to rock towards shore.

The roar of the jet ski engine warned them that it was too late, as Sooner ripped right past Edie, covering her with water.  No longer able to balance, she slipped and fell into the spring-cold lake.  Unsurprisingly, she screamed.  “Yow!!  That is cold!!”  She got up and quickly hopped to shore, while Sooner shot off into the distance.  “Shit that’s cold!” exclaimed Edie.

Mike raised his eyebrows in shock.  “Edie!  You swore.”

She covered her mouth with eyes wide.  “I did!  But that’s cold!”

“I told you Lake Huron didn’t get warm until summer,” said Mike as he handed her a towel, with a self-satisfied smirk.  “You didn’t believe me.  ‘I’ll jump in any body of water any time’, were you words.  You said it yourself!”

“I may or may not have,” laughed Edie, some humour returning to the day now.  “But this is seeming personal now with that Sooner guy.”

“I admit he does seem to be targeting us,” said Mike with a finger on his chin.  “But let’s not jump to conclusions yet.  Lots of people are just jerks, and renters are not usually the most considerate at this beach.  Unfortunately.”  He sighed.  “The good news is, I have steaks for tonight and we have all day tomorrow as well.  Come on, let’s get another pair of shoes and take some more photos before we pack it in.  Get those orange ones.  Those’ll look sweet on the beach.”

Edie smiled in approval as the pair set off across the beach to finish their photo shoot.


“Don’t wanna wait ’til you know me better!  Let’s just be glad for the time together!” sang Paul Stanley from the speakers on the back porch as Mike worked the grill.

“Oh, nice pick Mike, ‘Lick It Up’!” approved Edie.  “Remember when I did that photo shoot as the Candy Cane Queen?  This was my song!”

“I know!” smiled Mike.  “That’s why I picked it!”  He flipped some of the veggies and started explaining to Edie the whole Vinnie Vincent saga with Kiss.  He was like a wind-up toy; once you got him going you had to let him do the whole schtick to the finish.  He wound up the tale with Vinnie being replaced by Mark St. John, but thought it would be wise to save the whole Animalize saga for tomorrow night.

“Alright, as ordered:  Broccoli, carrots and red peppers.  A little olive oil, fresh ground pepper, pink Himalayan salt, and this new chipotle lime salt that I’m quite fond of!  And your steak, simply seasoned with the same salt and pepper, and a dash of Tobasco for some tang.  All to order!  Your beverage this evening is hot green tea with local honey.  Please…enjoy.  Would you like to eat inside or outside tonight?”

“Oh, outside,” answered Edie without hesitation.  “Front porch.  Sun’s going to set soon.  Let’s go!”

The pair settled upon the front porch with the orange-red sun just about to kiss the horizon.  It hung like a glowing hot nickel ball, dangling from a grey cloud.  The steaks smelled beefy and delicious as the steam wafted into their noses.  Simultaneously but unconsciously, they both inhaled deeply and enjoyed.  Edie noticed they both had done this, and chuckled.

“This is why we’re friends!” she chuckled.  “Your steaks, that’s the main reason!”  Mike laughed.

Before either of them could take their first bite, a horrendous stench began to overtake them.  They each instinctively plugged their noses, and looked questioning at each other.

“Dear God that’s awful!” gagged Mike as he tried not to barf.

“It’s like…rotten fish times a hundred!” croaked Edie.

Then Mike suddenly realized.  He put two and two together in his head, and the math added up to one answer.

“Sooner…” he growled.

“No!”  You think…?” questioned Edie.

“Let’s go find out,” spat Mike as he stood abruptly, almost spilling his ginger ale.

As the pair strode determinedly across the road, the smell intensified and they knew they were right.  And there he sat, on the front stoop, eating fish from a can.

“Sooner?!”  Edie stood back a fair distance with her red-tipped fingers over her nose.  This was her first-ever confrontation with nose plugged.  She was certain she sounded ridiculous as she yelled nasally at the man digging his fork into a can.  “What the heck are you eating?  We can smell it from his place, and we’re gonna barf in like two more seconds!”

The man lifted his fish-filled fork in the air and smiled.  Edie and Mike took a step back at the intense smell.  “Surströmming!  Swedish delicacy!  One of the most potent fermented fish in the world.  Want a bite?  Its smell is so strong, that it is traditionally only eaten outside.”

Mike barfed in Sooner’s driveway while Edie choked out a “No”.  The pair retreated back indoors.  Mike washed out his mouth while Edie hastily closed every window and turned on every fan she could find.

“This is a nightmare!” shrieked Mike.  “It’s an assault on all our senses, one at a time!  I’m gonna snap Edie, I swear, I’m gonna snap.”

Edie turned him around and began to rub his shoulders.  He groaned in relief as the tension began to depart from his body.  “It’s OK…let’s finish our beautiful meal that you made, and then we’re going live tonight on your show still, right?”

Mike’s face brightened.  “Grab A Stack of Rock will go on as planned.  That guy is not ruining my show tonight.  No way.”

Edie smiled.  “Good because you still have to help me pick my outfit for the show!”

“The Show Must Go On!” saluted Mike.


The laptop and microphone were set up in the kitchen.  Edie was decked out in a purple dress and heels, while Mike rocked a Guns N’ Roses shirt.  Of course, Mike had interviewed Edie before, but this was their first in-person interview, and he was excited.  The press had been talking rumours about Edie working on new original music with some pretty big names, and tonight they were going to reveal all of it.  The band members, the record deal, the producer, everything.  This was going to be her biggest interview to date.  They were live in five…

Four…

Three…

Two…

One…

There was a beep, and Mike rolled the Grab A Stack of Rock show intro.  His trusty co-host, Harrison from Australia, was logged-in and waiting in the green room.

Grab A Stack of Rock, with Mike and the Mad Metal Man…” went the song.

Suddenly there was the sound of an electrical zap, and the room went completely black.

“Aww, fffff…” yelled Mike resisting the urge to swear in front of Edie.

“Blackout?” asked Edie.

“The power does frequently cut out, because of the trees.  Fortunately, however,” responded the resourceful Mike, “I have headlights on my Crocs!”  He activated the lights, and the two made their way out to the front porch by Croclight.  They scanned the dark trees for light.

“Look!” exclaimed Mike.  “That friggin’ Sooner has power!”  He looked side to side around the street.  “But nobody else!”

“Let’s go!” said Edie, as she was already halfway down the steps heading to Sooner’s place without the aid of Croclights.

“Edie!  Wait for me!  You need my Croclights!  For safety!  Come on, wait up!”

A second later she was banging on Sooner’s door.  She whipped up a big huge smile as the big stinker opened it.  Mike was just coming onto the patio now, his Croclights illuminating the way.  Sooner gave him a dismissive laugh at the sight of it.

“Yeah?  What are you all dressed up for in those heels, lady?  I’m all out of Surströmming.” Mike nearly barfed again just at the mention.

“Hi, yeah, sorry to bother you Mr. Sooner,” said Edie, pouring syrup on every word.  “But we don’t have any electricity across the street, and we were checking to see if anyone else did.  Apparently you do,” she finished.

“Brought a generator,” said the big man with a burp.  “What, you big fancy cottagers ain’t got a generator?  Pfft.  Brought a trailer full of shoes but no generator!”  He closed the door and went back to his TV, but not before Edie saw what she hoped she would see.

“Come on, Fanboy,” she said with mischief.  “We got him.  Let’s go.”


The two sat huddled by Croclight indoors, as Mike awaited Edie to explain.

“When he opened his door,” she began, “I was acting all sweet and nice, but I knew something was up.  I was going to ask to come in and use his microwave to heat my tea, but he’s such a big idiot, I didn’t have to.  He left his hydraulic cutter right there inside the front door.  You use cutters like that to cut power cables.  He’s the one who cut the power.”

“Right when my show was starting…” murmured Mike as he began to put the pieces together.

“And what was your show topic tonight, Mike?” she asked, leading him to the answer.

Mike’s mouth went agape.  “He’s sabotaging you!”

“He’s TRYING to sabotage me,” corrected Edie.  “I’d say we have pretty conclusive proof.  And you know what that means?”

Mike thought a moment.  “Payback time?”

“You thought that Surströmming was bad?” she smiled.  “Wait until tomorrow.”  Edie stood.  “Let’s get some sleep.  We have an early start tomorrow.  We’re going to lure him out, and we’re gonna get him.”

With that, the pair went to their rooms, and prepared for confrontation.

Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian vacation was not yet ruined!


5:00 AM.  The sun had yet to creep over the trees, but Edie Van Heelin’ was ready in her running shoes for the morning run.  Several meters behind her, an aching Mike stretched his back, hoping he could crack it in that sore spot that seemed so tight.

As he limped over to where Edie was doing her morning stretches, he reminded her, “You know I can’t really run for very long, right?”

“You don’t have to run,” she answered between stretches.  “I actually want you to film it and put it on YouTube, because this is going to be funny.”

Mike laughed.  “I can do one better!  Though we still don’t have power, and therefore no wifi, I do have data reception.  Wanna live stream it instead?”

Edie gasped.  “Rad!  You can do that?”

Mike got to work on his phone.  “I’m setting up the live stream now.  Going to broadcast to Facebook and YouTube simultaneously.  What’s the plan then?”

“Well,” began Edie, “I’m going to draw him out.  I’m going to keep running up and down this road, until I have his attention.  I want him to try and follow me.  I’m going to lead him up to the main back road behind us.  You cut through the woods and film it.  You’ll understand why we have to lure him away from here when we get there.”

Mike frowned.  “Come on!  You have to tell me the whole plan.”

Edie laughed!  “Nope!  No spoilers for you mister.  This is going to be good.  Don’t worry, I can handle this Sooner guy.  I was being nice before.  Giving him the benefit of the doubt.  But now it’s gloves off baby!”

The two high-fived.

“OK.  Have a good run.  I’ll be watching and filming,” said Mike.

“Don’t start streaming until we get up him up onto the back road,” she instructed.  “It’s going to be worth it, trust me.”

Mike nodded in the affirmative.

“Get ‘im Edie!”

Edie tied her long brown hair into a ponytail and ran.  Zoom…up the road, kicking up a cloud of dust.  Zoom…down the road again, face forward, fully in the zone.  Zoom, up the road.  The clank of an opening screen door could be heard.  Zoom, down the road, chased by dust that had no hope of catching her.  Sooner poked his head out the door.  Zoom, up the road, dust now twirling motes of brown in the creeping morning light.  Sooner stumbling onto his patio, walking to the driveway.  Zoom, down the road, breathing heavily but powering through the clouds of dust.  Sooner, keys in hand, getting into his truck.  Zoom, up the road, knowing it was any time now.  The roar of the engine starting, and the release of the parking brake.  Zoom, down the road, and ready.  The heavy thud of truck tires grabbing friction and propelling the vehicle backwards onto the road.  Zoom, around the corner and on her way to the back road!

Mike turned and ran, through the woods, up the incline and onto the main road out back, phone in hand, four bars of reception.  He activated the streaming app.  He waited to hit the “Go Live” button, and pressed it the moment he saw Edie around the corner, running towards him, at full speed.

Then, the shriek of tires and roar of the truck announced the arrival of Sooner.  His truck was kicking up even more dust than Edie, but she had a good lead on him.  Soon she arrived where Mike was waiting and jumped onto the grass and into the treeline with him.

“We’re live?” she asked while catching her breath.  Mike nodded in the affirmative.

A second later, the truck screeched to a sudden stop right in front of her.  Edie waited.  Then, the man rolled down his window, and Edie gave the signal.

“Canadian skunks!  Attaaaaack!”

Just as the man opened his mouth to yell back, a surfeit of skunks emerged from both side of the road, surrounding the truck.  In unison, they sprayed.  Streams of it went through the window, into his truck, onto his clothes, and into his horrified mouth.

Gasping for breath, Sooner, fought to open his truck door.  Finally, he forced it ajar, and he fell onto the road.  Each skunk refocused their aim, and continued to spray until they were empty.  Mike filmed while plugging his nose, and Edie just laughed a big old laugh of victory.  She then looked right into the camera.  “Hey YouTube it’s Edie Van Heelin’ and Fanboy Mike streaming live from the cottage!  Sorry we couldn’t do the show last night, but that guy right there is the reason there was no show.”  She pointed to Sooner, rolling in his own misery on the blacktop.  “Now let’s find out who this guy is working for.”

Edie raised her hands.  “Canadian skunks!  Good job!  You can go home now, rest up, thank you my friends!”  She then turned her attention to Sooner, laying defeated in the road with his stinking truck behind him.

“You can just say ‘skunks’, Edie…” murmured Mike.

Edie continued the live stream.  “Hey there, Sooner, would you like some Surströmming to wash that down?”  Mike laughed and gagged a bit behind the camera in disgusted memory.  Then the interrogation began.  Edie got right in his face, the smell of skunk spray having no effect upon her.

“Who do you work for, Sooner?”  He said nothing as he struggled to sit up.  Edie grabbed his face.  “Who do you work for?  We know you’re sabotaging me and I want to know why!  Talk!”

Sooner refused to speak, as he coughed up skunk spray.

Edie shrugged.  “OK.  Fine.  Canadian raccoons!  Come here and scratch this guy!”

Sooner raised his hand in surrender.  “No no!  I’ll talk, I’ll talk!  Fine!”  He coughed.  “It was just a job!  I needed the money!”

“And?  Who paid you off?” demanded Edie impatiently.

“I never saw him face to face!  Everything was done on the dark web!  Bitcoin!  He told me his name was…” the big man coughed again.  “…his name was Shinzon!”

Mike dropped the camera and Edie looked at him with stone-cold seriousness.

“Shinzon.  Of course.  He survived our last encounter.  He wants revenge,” nodded Eddie, with a red-tipped nail on her chin.  “Makes sense now.”

Mike interrupted.  “Not really!  That Shinzon guy just came out of nowhere and we don’t really know anything about him!  A Lego-obsessed weirdo with futuristic tech, who claimed to be a clone, with a weird Australian accent.”  Mike paused a moment remembering.  “Good hair though.”

“He did have good hair,” agreed Edie.  “Wouldn’t tell us how.  His hair secrets….”

“He was elusive and mysterious,” agreed Mike.  “But apparently we know he’s out to get you.  We have to be more careful, going forward.  Both of us.”

“Agreed,” said Edie.  “As for this guy, give the local police a call and let them know who cut the power last night.”  Edie then took a moment and thought.  “And as for us.  How about we go clean up, and go for a hike?  Vacation is still on, you know.  And you promised me hiking.”

Mike smiled a wide smile.  “Yes!  Beach hike to the next town!  Let’s do it!  Steaks on the barbecue again tonight?”

“Of course,” winked Edie.  “This time without the Surströmming on the side.”

Laughing, Edie and Mike walked back to the cottage in the woods, as the police arrived to arrest George Sooner, another victory for the pair of friends.

To be continued….


Epilogue

Our heroes celebrate prematurely.  Only a pawn has been removed from the board.  More important and powerful pieces lay in the shadows.  Edie Van Heelin’ and Fanboy Mike have stepped into a larger world, and their actions will ripple.  At the very moment they began their afternoon beach hike, on a planet far from ours, dark forces communed.

“She won,” said Shinzon into the communicator.  “Again.”

There were a crackle of static over the device, and a distorted voice could be heard speaking through.  “No, not victory Shinzon,” it said.  “We have disrupted…” crackles of static interfered with the signal.  “…release of her album will need to be pushed back.  Additionally…” more static garbled the words. “…our manipulations will certainly set her onto the desired course…” The static continued to cough through the speaker.  “…direct collision course with our prime target.  This will allow us to remove both obstacles at once.”

“Understood, sir,” spoke Shinzon into the device.  “I will continue to do your bidding.”

The End

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain) Coming Soon

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain and California Girl) Coming this spring/summer

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain) Coming February 2023

 

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

 

FRIDAY February 3, meet the real Edie on Grab A Stack of Rock!

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 12: Lost In Space

We’ve been teasing this one since August.  The long-awaited new Space chapter by John T. Snow of 2loud2oldmusic!

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER XII:  LOST IN SPACE

Thunder Bay:  the dead of winter.  A blizzard is roaring strong, and the Great White North is living up to its name.  The lair door at Deke’s Palace slams open, and the cold and the snow comes rushing in.  As do Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, exhausted from another superhero save.  This time it was an easy one:  a moose was on the loose inside a liquor store. No way were Tee Bone Man and Superdekes going to let a moose destroy any whiskey or scotch…or heck, any alcoholic beverage that they could one day consume.  They each plop down on the couch and open a brand new bottle of their favourite beverage.  Gifts from the store owner as a thank-you for their assistance.  The two heroes kick back.

Superdekes exclaimed, “Damn, that was sure fun. I didn’t know you could ride a moose, Tee Bone”.

Tee Bone admitted the truth.  “I don’t!  That dang creature picked me up by the horns and threw me on his back. I just went along for the ride. I can’t believe I lasted a full eight seconds.  Maybe I should take up bull riding.”

“Well, you are good at slinging bull…well, you know, I don’t think that qualifies you!” laughed Superdekes.

After only a few minutes of drinking, the buzz started building and they started reminiscing about their most awesome adventures, from Sasquatch, to Satan, to time travel.

Tee Bone even thought momentarily about that damn squirrel, but he didn’t bring that one up to Superdekes, preferring to let it burrow silent trauma deep within his psyche.  That would be better in the long run, he reasoned.

Superdekes asked Tee Bone, “Hey, remember that idiot that had a Snowman army?  You know, the guy that looked like Richard Dreyfuss.  What a doofus, but man does he give generous Christmas gifts!”  Deke was looking at the statement he received for his share of Mr. Big’s earnings, courtesy of a coerced Billy Sheehan and facilitated by the Snowman.

“Of course I remember him.  The Snowman!  He gave me the original Frankenstrat.  I wonder what kind of trouble he is getting into these days…” Tee Bone pondered as his phone began to ring.

“There it is,” said Deke dryly.


Previously that day, in a bright and sunny California, The Snowman was sitting in dingy booth inside a greasy pit of a diner…his favourite sort of place.  He liked to mix with the riff raff.  Snowman couldn’t find a Waffle House, so this would have to do.  It was another glorious day in Los Angeles. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect and the Snowman was getting ready to negotiate a deal with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley to buy “The Warehouse”:  the Kiss Warehouse, full of everything Kiss from over the years loaded with costumers, to guitars, to drums and stage equipment, to name a few things.  It was his dream to own it, and since he had more money than sense…he was ready to fulfil that dream.

The waitress approached. She was smoking hot.  Snowman gazed at her tight short skirt, and open blouse with enough cleavage showing to satisfy any man or woman and to generate nice big tips.  Her hair was golden and sunkissed just right.  She was probably an actress, as all waiters and waitresses in L.A. were.  She smiled that big, friendly smile and said “Dang, has any one told you that you look like Richard Dreyfuss?”

“No, I can’t say that anyone has,” The Snowman responded, knowing full well that everyone has.

“I think you are him!  You are playing with me aren’t you,” she sassed back.

“I’m afraid not and I can prove it,” he responded.

“Yeah, how’s that?” she asked.

“Well, for starters, that is Richard Dreyfuss walking in the door right now,” The Snowman said, quite stunned.

And sure enough, the bell rang on the front door and in walked The Richard Dreyfuss.  But he seemed preoccupied, almost in a zombie state.  He walked right up to the Snowman’s table and sat down in the booth.  He turned to the waitress, staring at her chest, and she asked, “Can I get you anything Mr. Dreyfuss?”

“Mashed Potatoes!  And lots of them,” Richard said robotically.  He turned to the Snowman and said “They’re coming again.  They will be here soon.”

The Snowman nodded and said rather questionably “Okay?  Are you alright Mr. Dreyfuss?  Can I help you with anything?”.  Richard said nothing.  The waitress returned with the mashed potatoes and put them in front of Richard.  He immediately reached in and started mushing them around and building what looked like a mountain.  The Snowman knew he has encountered that before at least three times, but couldn’t place it.

The weather outside started changing. Clouds were moving in, the wind was blowing harder and harder. The sky was getting darker and darker.  Then flames started shooting down from the sky. Something was landing in the parking lot of the diner!  With a loud bang and a whoosh of smoke, everything suddenly froze.  Nothing moved.  Everyone was frozen in place…everyone except Richard Dreyfuss and the Snowman.  The Snowman reached for his phone and speed-dialed Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  He didn’t raise it to his ear, but left it in his pocket so they could hear what was going on…when and if they answered!

In through the door came several little green men…seriously!  They were little and green!  They looked like Marvin the Martian, and the Snowman was half expecting Bugs Bunny to come sauntering in after them.  They stopped in front of their table and spoke in plain English which freaked the Snowman out.  “We are here for Richard Dreyfuss!  And since we don’t know which one of you is Richard Dreyfuss, we are taking you both with us back to Mars.”

Martians!  The Snowman laughed and said, “Like hell you are, you little green pile of sh…” but before he could finish that line, the Martian pulled out a phaser and shot them both, leaving them unconscious.  The bad thing for the real Richard Dreyfuss was that his head collapsed into the mountain of mashed potatoes.  The Snowman’s head just banged hard on the table, probably making him even dumber than he already was. It was going to leave a mark.

The lead Martian said to his cohorts, “Grab them and take them to our ship.  We have what we need to finalize our plan. Let’s get them back to Mars. It is time to put the plan in motion, as we take over Earth.  Everyone will bow to us and worship us.  We will be Kings of this world,” as he stepped up on the booth with his arms held out wide like Leo from Titanic.  However his minions had already left, and no one was around anymore to hear him bantering on or witness his embarassing posturing.  He got down, feeling pretty silly.

The alien spaceship took off, but luckily the Snowman’s phone was still in his pocket, and Tee Bone Man and Superdekes heard everything. As the ship vanished, everyone in the restaurant and surrounding area unfroze and went on their day as if nothing happened.


 

Tee Bone and Superdekes sat in stunned silence in their lair, listening to the call. They couldn’t believe what was happening.  Superdekes broke the silence. ”How the heck do we help them?  We can’t go into space.  We don’t have any of that kind of tech.”

Tee Bone grinned and said, “Well, that isn’t actually true.  Remember at Christmas, when the Snowman came by with gifts?  You asked me about that envelope he handed me?”

“I have a drunken stupor memory of that…I think.” Deke answered. “What was in that envelope?”

Tee Bone Man reached into the utility belt of his uniform, and removed from a small pouch, an American Express Black Card.

“This,” explained Tee Bone Man, “is not a credit card.  Hold up your phone.”

Deke held up his phone, and Tee Bone placed the card over the screen, which suddenly went black.  After it flashed white, it now presented a map.

“What the…?” asked Deke.  “What’s this a map to?  That Snowman has more money than sense.”

“You’re right, but this time, maybe he was on the right track.  The Snowman was worried about what would happen if we ever had visitors from outer space, and how we would be able to defend Earth.  I think he’d watched The Avengers one too many times.  Him thinking he was Tony Stark or something.  He said he was having visions, like Richard Dreyfuss had in that space movie.  He was obsessed with defending Earth from aliens.  I tried convincing him to put his money into some mutual funds, but I couldn’t talk him out of this.  So, we’ve been building something, just in case we had to go into space.  Now keep in mind, the Snowman is a little bizarre, but I think you will like what we built.  Get on your flying bike.  We’re going for a ride.”

Tee Bone Man strapped his new genuine Australian boomerang to his back, while Superdekes stored his new Balls of Steel in his backpack.  Deke mounted his ride, and Tee Bone took to the air, as they followed the signal on Deke’s phone.  It was taking them miles away, near the US/Canada border.  Tee Bone Man began his descent and spotted a small concrete bunker in a hidden clearing.  Superdekes landed nearby.

They regrouped at the bunker, just shoulder height, with a concrete door in the side they faced.  To the right of the door was a small recess, and in that recess was a statue of what looked like Richard Dreyfuss.  Tee Bone lifted the head of the Dreyfuss statue, inserted the card in the mouth, and pushed the button underneath.  The door slid open to reveal a flight of stairs that went down below their ground.

Deke exclaimed, “What the Fu@#!”

They descended the steps into a vast hanger, filled with all sorts of electronic equipment and two massive ships.  One was an exact replica of an X-Wing fighter and the other was a TIE Interceptor, as the Snowman loved his Star Wars.  Talk about mixing up his movie franchises!  Tee Bone addressed his friend.  “Don’t be mad that I didn’t include you!  The Snowman said I had to keep it a secret, until we needed to do this.  He paid for everything, and we had the best scientists involved, as he spared no expense.  What a sucker!  But dang if they don’t actually work!  Get ready for the ride of your life.”

Deke asked, “Cool! Which one do I get?” as he ran towards the X-Wing.

“I guess you get that one,” answered Tee Bone Man.

They each got in their ships, flipped a few very switches and started the engines.

“It sure is a good thing the controls are simple,” said a relieved Tee Bone.  “Just like the old Atari 2600 back home.”

“Snowman is kinda a simpleton,” shrugged Deke.


Richard Dreyfus and the Snowman were being escorted down a gleaming silver passage by two Marians with phasers. They weren’t restrained, which seemed odd, but where the heck were they going to run to if they escaped?  A set of doors slid open with a whoosh, and standing there was something they never dreamt of seeing.  Or someone.  Their mouths fell open and slammed into the floor.

There in the fat flesh was Donald J. Trump.  But was it really? Something was off.

Standing next to Don was the head Martian.  “Welcome to Mars,” he said. “You are brought here because Richard Dreyfuss is the greatest American actor in the universe.  And we have a problem.  We have cloned Donald Trump, but we can’t get him to act like the real Donald Trump, the self-absorbed narcissist.”

The Trump clone came up to Dreyfuss and the Snowman and asked, “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come to help me.  That is the nicest thing!”  And with that, it was patently obvious that it wasn’t the real Trump.

The alien stated, “We need you, with your incredible acting talent, to teach him how to act like Donald Trump.”

The Snowman quickly retorted, “Well, he’s missing the stupid red ball cap first and foremost.”  Snowman strolled up to Trump’s clone, and started trying to teach him how to act like Trump.  Not being a very good actor, all he sounded like was William Shatner, and he emphasized every other word as if it was super important.

The main Martian screamed “STOP, STOP, STOP!! You are not the real Richard Dreyfuss! That was horrendous! You might look like Richard Dreyfuss, but you sound like William Shatner!  Not a good actor.  Guards, get rid of him!!”

With that, the guards grabbed the Snowman and threw him outside an airlock, where he was surprised to find he could breathe the thin, cold Martian atmosphere.  He saw a bright area of red dirt not far away, with a pair of legs sticking out of a hole in the ground.  Snowman was followed by two Martian guards, who grabbed his arms.  “Oh my goodness, they are going to bury me upside down in the dirt with my legs sticking out!”  The Snowman started trying to break free and escape, but their grip was too tight and strong.  There was nothing he could do.  The guards tossed him head first into a hole.  Before he was completely buried, he heard some explosions.

Coming in from above were two space fighters, firing lasers everywhere they could.  Things were blowing up left and right.  Superdekes shouted over the radio, “Red Five going in.”

Tee Bone Man sighed, “Really, we are going with that.? What are we, 12 year olds?”

“I’m flying an actual X-Wing Fighter, I can be whatever I want to be”, Superdekes explained with gleeful enthusiasm.

Two Martian ships came after them on an intercept course, and a vicious dog fight ensued.  The spaceships were flying by each other at breakneck speeds.  Laser cannons fired and just missed Tee Bone Man. He laughed and reversed course hard, getting the one ship in his crosshairs.  He opened fire.

BOOOM!!  The Martian ship was toast.

Superdekes swiftly got the upper hand on the other ship, which flew upside down over him.  Dekes took a picture with his camera phone and shot them the bird!  He then dropped back and blew the ship out of the sky. It was a crazy, maverick thing to do.

With both Martian ships destroyed, Superdekes and Tee Bone Man came in for a landing.  Before exiting, Tee Bone Man warned Superdekes, “Look in the compartment on your right. Open it up and take what’s in there.  You’ll love it.”   Superdekes did as he was told, and inside were a phaser, and an honest-to-God actual working lightsaber.

They both jumped down from their ships and immediately took on enemy fire.  Shots were landing all around them.  They both fired back and then looked at each other and lit their lightsabers.  Deke’s was green.  Tee Bone’s was blue.  Battle was rough at first, as an untrained Tee Bone man singed a little of his hair with the first swing.  More shots came and they both blocked them with the lightsabers.

“This is amazing” Tee Bone Man screamed.  “I feel invincible,” as he cut through the Martians like a hot knife through butter!

“Does this count as murder?” asked Deke.  Tee Bone shrugged.  The carnage went on for only minutes, as they seemed to have killed all the Martians and all was suddenly quiet.  They disengaged their sabers.

Tee Bone Man looked over to his left and saw two pairs of legs dangling out of the dirt and exclaimed “What in Gordie Howe’s holy name is that?”  Superdekes shrugged but went over to look.

The pair dug out the first person, and it wasn’t the Snowman.  It was a balding gentleman with a goatee and glasses caked with Martian dirt.  Superdekes exclaimed “Dude! Who the heck are you, and how did you get Buried on Mars?”

“My name is Kevin,” he said, cleaning himself off. “I was doing a podcast for a review on a Richard Dreyfuss movie and I said what a horrible actor he was. The next thing I knew everything went black, and I was upside down in a hole. I didn’t even know I was on Mars!”

“Dude you were Buried on Mars!” said Tee Bone as he dug up the next set of legs.  Thankfully, it was the Snowman.  Tee Bone Man exclaimed, “What the heck is going on?”

The Snowman caught them up the best he could, which wasn’t very good.  He told the pair, “We have to go save Richard Dreyfuss.  He’s inside with a clone of Donald Trump!”  Everyone looked shocked or stupefied, not sure which.

The Buried on Mars fellow, Kevin, spoke up.  “Richard Dreyfuss is here? Did he do this to me?”  The Snowman said that it was Martians and told him everything that had happened, but Kevin was still too stunned to follow it all.   Kevin blinked in confusion.  “I’m just going to wait over here,” he pointed to a rock.

The other three rushed into the building, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes leading the way with their lightsabers.  They met no resistance from any Martians.   The base was not heavily fortified.  They all assumed the Earthlings couldn’t reach Mars.  Our group came to the room they were looking for, and the doors opened again with a whoosh.  Standing in side was Richard Dreyfuss, doing his best Donald Trump impressions for the clone.  The clone appeared to be catching on.

The lead Martian was in the room with them, and managed to grab Superdekes’ lightsaber with his mind.  It flew it in the air to his own hands.  The disarmed Deke took his Balls of Steel from his backpack and took up a defensive stance.  Unless they were made of Vibranium, chances are that the lightsaber would cut them in half.  Even then, Deke was not too sure about the cutting power of lightsabers.  It was never consistent in the fiction!

Tee Bone Man prepared to duel.  Then, he remembered he had his phaser, set to kill.  Trying to pose like Indiana Jones, he drew it swiftly and shot the Martian dead in a single blast.

“Well that was easy” Tee Bone Man said with a smile, and blew the smoke from the barrel.  “I didn’t even have to use my boomerang on this mission.”

The clone approached Superdekes and Tee Bone Man.  “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come and help me.  That is the nicest thing.”

They both were a little freaked out and said confusedly, ”You’re welcome?”

The Snowman turned to Superdekes and Tee Bone Man.  ”Can we keep him? We could replace Trump with this nice guy, and maybe the world could finally be great again.”

They looked at each other and mumbled, “What an idiot!”  Tee Bone tried to explain.   “That’s not a bad idea in theory….  Are we sure Snowman’s not the clone?” he laughed.  “But no…can’t do it, Snowman.  Two Trumps on Earth, there would be chaos like you’ve never seen.  Can you imagine the conspiracy people?”  Tee Bone turned to the clone.  “Sorry, but this is where you belong.”

Trump answered, “That’s fine, I don’t mind, just as long as you’re all safe.”

Tee Bone and Deke escorted everyone out to their ships, but there was a slight problem.  The X-Wing and TIE Interceptor could carry just one person each.  How were they going to get everyone back?  They looked around and eventually found a Martian spacecraft they hadn’t blown up, and borrowed it for a short while. Who are we kidding, they stole it. They were not going to return it.

Superdekes and Tee Bone Man climbed into their ships, while Richard Dreyfuss, Kevin and the Snowman headed to the other ship.  “Can anyone fly one of these?” asked Snowman of his crew.  Fortunately, Kevin had plenty of gaming experience and figured it out in short order.  But before the door closed on his ship, the Snowman grabbed the Donald Trump clone, and pulled him so quickly that Tee Bone Man and Superdekes couldn’t see.  With Kevin in the pilot seat, flanked by Snowman and Trump, and Dreyfuss behind at the tailguns, the pilot and passengers prepared for space flight!  Kevin pushed some buttons and activated the thrust.  With that, the three ships launched for Earth, and home.  The Trump clone smiled a dumb smile the whole way back.

 


Two months later, Tee Bone and Dekes were in their lair drinking…no surprise there!  A breaking news story suddenly flashed on the TV screen.  The broadcaster announced “Two hours ago, Former President Donald Trump had fallen, banged his head and was found unconscious. He is currently being treated at the at General Hospital.  We are going live to the hospital with an update from his doctors.”

Instead of doctors coming to the podium, it was Donald Trump himself.  He says, “‘Thank you all for coming, I appreciate the help from the doctors as they were wonderful. The smartest doctors in the world.  If you ever get hurt, you want to come get help from these doctors.  They are the best. But it is easy to be the best when you are working on the best because that is me.   I’m fine and cleared to go home.  There is no concussion, and all is well.”

A slight pause and then he added “How are you guys?  I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come and check on me. That is the nicest thing.”

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes’ eyes got really wide, and Superdekes asked, ”You don’t think Snowman switched them out, do you?”

They both shook their head, “Nah.  Impossible.”

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain) Coming February 2023

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Advenures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain) Coming soon

 

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

 

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego

EDIE VAN HEELIN’ and the QUEST FOR THE LOST LEGO

By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp

“Hey Edie!” shouted a distraught Mr. Van Heelin’ from the Lego room.  “We’ve been robbed!  All my Lego is gone!”  He ran from room to room of the house, but it was true:  every single piece of Lego was missing.

Edie Van Heelin’ was relaxing with a tea and a menagerie of pets.  She had to remove about three cats from her lap to get off the recliner.

“You’re joking, right?” she asked but not without concern.  Mr. Van Heelin’ doesn’t joke about Lego.  He was continuing to search the house to no avail.

“I am not joking!” he shouted frantically from another room.  “Every set, every single piece, is gone!”  Then he added incredulously, “But nothing else seems to be missing!  What is going on here?”

Edie strode into the room that he was currently searching.  “It could be those pesky aliens again,” said Edie.  “But they’ve never shown interest in Lego bricks before.”  She paused a moment.  She knew that she was going to have to take care of this one herself.  As usual.

“I’m sorry sweety, but I need to go,” she told him.

“I understand,” he said.  “But be careful.  What’s your first move?”

Edie placed a well-manicured purple thumbnail on her chin as she thought a moment.  “I’ll need help.  Time to pay Fanboy Mike a visit up in Canada.  Don’t worry about me.  I can take care of myself.”  She gave him a kiss.  “Time to suit up.”

The Shoe Shed in the back is where Edie kept her prized collection of heels, but more than that, it also contained her ultra-secret superhero gear, and she was going to need all of it this time.  Edie zipped up her favourite rocket boots, a new pair this time by Christian Louboutin but rigged for flight with afterburners and a sweet pair of fins.  Decked in a suitably badass outfit with fishnets and black leather, Edie Van Heelin’ was ready to rock.  She applied a gadget-filled utility belt, and strapped her favourite red guitar to her back as the final touch.  The guitar was no ordinary instrument.  Enhanced with alien tech, it was a weapon in more ways than one.

Edie dropped a pair of smartglasses over her eyes and smiled.  She loved her rocket boots and it was time to fly!

“Set course for Canada,” she said to the smartglasses.  “Southern Ontario.  Fanboy Mike’s house.  Let’s fly!”

With the sound of thunder and a blast of flame, the boots fired!  In seconds, Edie Van Heelin’ was little more than a bright contrail in the sky.  It was mission time!


Winter in Canada.  Fanboy Mike’s least favourite time of year.  He stood knee-deep in snow, in his Croc-boots, panting heavily as he tried to remove the white mounds from around his vehicle.  Every shovelful that he removed seemed to be replaced by two more!  He stopped a moment to wipe the sweat from his brow, lest it freeze to his face.

“This sucks,” he said to no-one.  Everyone else seemed to be staying in today, which was wise.  He grabbed the shovel and kept digging.  It was then that he heard the sonic boom of rocket boots overhead.

He dropped the shovel into the snow.  “Yeah baby!”  He shielded his eyes as he looked for the tell-tale sign of Edie Van Heelin’ in the sky.  There she was!  Red flame and smoke contrails, heading his way.  He shouted for joy as he knew that shovelling time was over and adventure time was about to begin.  He tossed the shovel aside and watched as the superhero in black leather came to a landing.

“Edie!”  He trudged through the deep snow towards his friend.

“Fanboy!” she responded in glee.  “Great to see you!”  The two hugged warmly for a minute.

“Wait, no — don’t stop!” joked Mike.  “I’m friggin’ freezing!”

Edie laughed.  “Well it’s about to get hotter.  I’m not here to go snowshoeing with you this time.  I’m on a mission and I need your help.”

“Oh thank God,” laughed Mike.  “I thought I’d be shovelling this crap all day!”

“This crap?” laughed Edie.  “I love snow!”  She dropped on her back and quickly made a snow angel.  Laughing, she got up off the ground and wiped the snow off her fishnets and leathers.  “Sorry, I just had to.  Can’t be in snow without doing a snow angel.  Anyway, don’t worry about the shovelling.  If I remember, you have squirrels here right?”

Mike nodded in the affirmative.  “Huge, huge black ones!”  He winked.  “That was a joke.  But yes, yes we do.”

While Edie relied on her rocket boots for flight, she had one unique superpower.  He unique connection to animals allowed them to communicate.  Her animal allies helped her defeat aliens and Tommy Lee in the past.  Now they were going to help Mike.

Edie raised her arms up.  “Canadian squirrels!  Come to my side!”  In seconds, dozens of black squirrels could be seen dotting the snow, running towards Edie and Mike.  Mike’s eyes went wide as he saw the flood of animals in the snow!  He counted 18 large black squirrels, all now sitting on the haunches, at attention, in a semicircle around Edie.

“Wow, they really are big!” she said to Mike.  “OK, squirrels!  We need your help!  We are on an urgent mission and Mike has to go!  Please, help him dig out his car!  I’ll be back with a big bag of peanuts for you all, I promise!”  She blew them a kiss, and immediately the squirrels got to work, frantically digging around Mike’s car.

“That’ll take a while but you don’t have to worry about it,” she said.  “Now let’s saddle up and I’ll fill you in on the mission.  Let’s go somewhere warm.”


“Hi, do you have green peach tea, with watermelon honey?” asked Edie at the front of the line at the Tim Horton’s.  Mike tapped her on the shoulder.

“Edie, they don’t have stuff like that at Tim’s.  Just regular tea,” he advised.

“OK, just a tea then,” she settled.  The two soon had hot beverages and were seated at the Canadian institution, sipping their drinks.

“So what’s the mission?” asked Mike.  “I’ve been snowed in all day, I can’t wait.”

Edie explained to Mike how Mr. Van Heelin’ discovered that all his Lego had been taken, but nothing else.  Mike’s eyebrows rose in surprise.

“You’re not going to believe this,” he said.  “When I got up this morning, I couldn’t find my Optimus Prime Lego.  I thought Jen moved it and it got buried in laundry or something.  And I couldn’t find the Lego boxes that we gave each other for Christmas.  I was going to look for them later, but now I am thinking it’s a pointless search.”  He paused a moment to scratched his gray-beared chin.  “I have an idea.  Toys R Us is right down the street.  They still exist in Canada.  Let’s take a look and see if their Lego is gone too.”

“Good idea Fanboy!  That’s cool that you still have Toys R Us.  Of course, in California we have Legoland,” winked Edie as she finished the last sip of tea.  She stood up.  The Tim Horton’s customers stared when she did.  They were certainly not used to see a leather and fishnet clad women in nine-inch platform boots drinking tea in a Horton’s.  Fanboy smiled as he basked in his temporary attention by association.  Once outside, Fanboy grabbed hold of Edie’s waist as they rocketed to the Toys R Us store.

Inside, the pair made their way to the Lego section.  People stared, but Mike just smiled.  Meanwhile Edie just looked determined as she strode hastily down the aisle.

The empty aisle.

There was not a single Lego set for sale at the Toys R Us.  Not one minifigure pack, not one Star Wars, Marvel, Technic, or any other franchise.  Not even the old minifig pack from two seasons ago that was always under the shelves.  Nothing.  Edie was not surprised.  Mike was slowly beginning to take in the magnitude of what was happening.

“Let’s ask that guy if they have any Lego,” said Edie, pointing to a long-haired man with a broom.  Dressed in a Toys R Us uniform, the man with long straight dark hair didn’t seem to be working hard.  Mike knew what it looked like to me faking work, and that guy was definitely lazily pretending to be sweeping up.  “Let’s make him earn his paycheque,” said Mike.

“Excuse us,” asked Mike as he approached the long-hair.  The man turned to face them.  Mike was a bit stunned.  The man, a clean shaven younger fellow, looked terribly familiar.  “Umm, sorry, do I know you?  You look familiar.”

“No, we definitely do not know each other,” answered long-hair in some strange unidentifiable accent.  “Can I help you?”

“Yes,” said Edie.  “We’re looking for Lego.  Any Lego.  My husband is a big fan.”

“Sold out,” said long-hair as he resumed pushing his broom.

“Are you sure?” asked Mike.  “That…doesn’t seem possible.”

“Sold.  Out,” said long-hair dismissively as he turned his back.

“Come on,” said Mike to Edie.  “I know where we can get some real help.  I have a buddy.  I’ll give him a call.”

Fanboy Mike was proud of his rich circle of friends, many of whom he’s never met in real life.  There was Tim on the east coast, an author and music collector.  There was Rob, a local radio show host that Mike has known for decades.  And there were a couple guys way up north in Thunder Bay.  One of them was a bit of a technical wizard with a knack for problem-solving.  Mike dialled a number on his phone and was soon connected with the tech-wizard.  Mike filled him in on the situation.  He nodded with concern as his listened to the wizard on the other end.

“That’s right.  Every single Lego piece.  Gone.  Gonzo.  Double Live Gonzos,” said Mike into the phone.  His eyebrows raised.  “Really?  Yours too huh?  Your motorcycle set!  I gave you that set!  Holy crap.  This is serious!”

Fanboy paced the floor of the Toys R Us as he listened intently.  He nodded a few times.  Then he spoke.

“Ok.  Gotcha.  Understood.  We’ll be on our way shortly.  Thanks man.  I owe you one.  Again.  And say hi to your partner in crime for me.  Ciao baby,”  Mike hung up the phone and spoke to Edie.  “OK, it took some doing, but my tech wizard buddy has a danger alert system at his HQ, and he managed to jerry-rig it to detect Lego.  And guess what he found?”

Edie braced herself for bad news.  “No Lego anywhere in the world, right?” she gulped.

“Nope,” responded Mike.  “To the contrary.  All the Lego is still here.  It’s been moved.  The Lego signals were concentrated in one location on the globe.  Just one.  Care to guess where we’re headed next?”

Edie shrugged.  “Somewhere warmer than Canada?”

“How’d you like to throw another shrimp on the barbie?” he winked.

Edie’s eyes lit up.  “Australia!  I’ve never been there!  But that’s a whole continent.  Where do we start?”

Mike checked his phone for a text message.  “Here are the coordinates,” he answered.  “Australia’s east coast.”  Edie dropped her smartglasses over her eyes and scanned the coordinates.

“Got the location locked and loaded,” she answered.  “Let’s fly!”


Australia.  Summer.  The east coast.  A cloud of dust kicked up as Edie came to a landing, with Mike holding on tight.  The landscape, far from any city, was relatively barren.  Beautiful, but deserted.  A wombat burrowed nearby.  Edie removed her glasses and scanned the horizon with her eyes.

“Nothing here,” she said in disappointment.  “Nothing at all.  I’m sorry Mike but your friend was wrong this time.”

Mike shook his head to the negative.  “Not this guy, he’s rarely wrong about anything.  He said the signal was coming from within one klik of this location.  We just need to look harder.  Maybe your animal allies can help in our search?”

She snapped her perfectly manicured purple fingers together.  “Good call, Fanboy.  What’s that thing over there?”

“I can’t be sure but I think that’s called a wombat,” answered Mike.

Edie motioned to the wombat.  “Hey cutie!” she beckoned.  The wombat stopped burrowing and looked at her.  “I know you’re busy right now, but we need your help.  Do you have any friends around?  We’re looking for something in this area.”  She paused and bit her lip a moment.  “We don’t know exactly what we are looking for but I think a building of some kind.  A structure.  Do you know what I mean?”  The wombat nodded affirmative.  “OK sweet stuff.  Get your friends and let’s sweep this whole area.”

In seconds, a wisdom of wombats emerged and scurried about frantically.  As they busied themselves digging and searching, a few could be seen…pooping.

Edie blinked.  “Hey Mike, is it just me or is that poop…cube shaped?”

Mike grabbed his phone and googled.  He laughed out loud.  “Hah!  Yes, yes it is!  Look at this!”  He showed his phone to Edie.  “Don’t step on any brown cubes, it’s not Lego bricks!” he laughed.  Edie stared at the phone in a mixture of surprise and disgust.

“Noted!” she said.  “No wombat poop on my Louboutins!”

The wombats scurried around, doing their work. Suddenly, one started jumping around and making noise.  Edie saw and ran over to the wombat’s location.  “Mike!” she shouted.  “Get over here!  We found something!”  Surely enough, just inches beneath the soil, was concrete.  A hidden, buried bunker!

“How do we get inside?” panted Mike as he finished running over.  “I don’t see an entrance.”

“Neither do I,” said Edie as she scanned the area with her smartglasses.  “The structure beneath us appears to be a huge concrete cube, perfectly Lego shaped, but with no seams or openings I can detect.”  Edie then reached for her guitar, a beautiful red axe with serious modifications.  “Stand back,” she cautioned.

Mike did as told, while Edie aimed the neck of her guitar at the concrete.  She flipped a switch on the back, and hit a hidden trigger.  A laser blast jolted from the headstock, burning a neat hole in the ground.  Edie shone a light from her smartglasses down the smoking hole.  What she saw below looked almost like a warehouse, except one of Indiana Jones proportions!

“This is it!” she said to Mike.  “Your friend was right after all.  Let’s fly!”

With that, Mike jumped on her back and Edie rocketed down into the hole she had just created.  She activated some lights on her leather jacket that helped illuminate the underground bunker.  Mike turned on his Croclights.

The pair scanned the mammoth sized room with their eyes.  Boxes upon boxes, countless boxes.  Thousands, millions?  The human brain simply could not absorb the scale of the scene before them.  They turned slowly around and examined every side.  Over there, loose Lego bricks, in buckets and pails.  On that side, fully built Lego structures and sets.  The rest of the entire space of the massive room was taken up by box after box after infinite box of Lego.

“Hey Edie,” joked Mike.  “Know where I can find some Mega Bloks?”

“Hah hah,” she deadpanned.  Then she got serious.  “But who would do this?  And why?”

A voice boomed from a gantry above.  “I would!”  Suddenly every light in the building was switched on.  Edie and Mike covered their eyes as they were blinded by the sudden burst of light.  Edie could barely see a figure, a silhouette.  Suddenly the figure dematerilized.  With a shimmer of light, he was gone.  Then, a microsecond later, he rematerialized on the ground before her eyes!

“So that’s how you stole all this Lego,” she surmised.  “You have transporter technology.  Where did you get it?  Speak!”

The figure slowly became unblurred in their eyes.  To their shock, it was someone they both recognized.  Before them stood the clean-shaven, long haired man they met at the Toys R Us store in Canada earlier!  He was now dressed simply in jeans and T-shirt, his beautiful brown hair hanging like waterfalls over his shoulders.

“I swear you look familiar!” shouted Fanboy Mike to the villain.  “What’s your name, dick head?” he taunted.

“My name is Shinzon,” answered the Australian.  “I was cloned by a man named Tyranus over one of the moons of Bogden,” he sneered.  “Perhaps that is why I appear familiar to you, Michael.  Where I got my technology is of no concern to you two.  As for why I took all the Lego?”  The un-moustached Australian smiled an evil smile.  “Because I wanted it.”

“Selfish fool,” said Edie as she shook her head.

“Selfish?  Yes.  Foolish?  Look around you.  Who’s the fool and who’s the one with all the Lego?”  The Australian glared at the woman before him.  “Look at you…you think you can fight me in those heels?  If you agree to leave peacefully now, I’ll beam you back safely to wherever you came from.  What will it be, Edie Van Heelin’?  Yes, I know who you are.  I’ve heard of you.  You are starting to make a name for yourself.  Be careful.  You do-gooders are attracting the wrong kind of attention from powers greater than me.”

Edie yawned.  “Oh I’m sorry, were you speaking?  Listen, Shinface.  I just have two things I need from you and then you can take a nice vacation in prison, which is where I’m taking you when we’re done here.”  If looks could kill, Shinzon would be dead by now.  Edie set her terms.  “Firstly:  you beam every single brick of Lego back where you got it, and hand over your tech to me.  Secondly…” she paused a moment, as she had a rare shy spell.  “Secondly, how do you get your hair so silky and beautiful?  I have to know your secrets.”

Shinzon laughed.  “Let’s just say it’s a trick of the lights, no secret.”  Edie harrumphed at his answer.  Shinzon continued.  “As for the Lego?  You’ll have to make me, Edie Van Heelin’.”

Edie sighed.  “Oh well.  Prepare to get made.”

Shinzon growled, “They always said you were the Party Police, Edie.  Well not this time.”  He activated a switch on his belt.  Suddenly, from the ceiling, millions of Lego bricks poured onto to the floor!  “Try walking over those in your heels, Edie!” laughed Shinzon.

Edie laughed.  “Who’s walking, Shinface?”  She ignited her rocket boots and flew towards the villain.  With a mighty tackle worthy of the 49’ers, she easily knocked the villain to the ground.  But with a smirk, he beamed himself across the room before she could strike another blow!

Fanboy Mike was stuck on the floor of Lego, trying to move towards Shinzon but unable to get much traction.  “I’m sorry Edie!  I’m stuck!”

“Stand back, Mike,” she warned.  “This guy’s going down!”  She took aim with her laser guitar, but missed as Shinzon beamed himself to the top of a giant stack of Lego boxes.  He laughed in mockery as Edie struggled to get a clear shot.  She did not want to destroy any Lego in the process.  Then she had an idea.  She raised her arms to the sky and summoned the animals!

“Magpies!  Dingos!  Roos!  To my side!”

Suddenly, from the hole in the ceiling, poured every animal from the Australian wild!  Shinzon’s eyes went wide in terror as a magpie swooped at his head.  There was a dingo on each arm now, preventing him from activating his transporter!  Several kangaroos lined up to take the first kick on Edie’s command.  Shinzon struggled against the magpies and dingos but it was futile.  He was beaten, soundly and surely, as the animals immobilised him.

Edie aimed her laser guitar at the evil Australian clone.  “Don’t make me,” she warned.

Shinzon coughed up some red spittle as he barked back at her.  “Do it!  I double dingo dare you.”

Fanboy Mike groaned at the joke.  Edie kept the guitar aimed directly at the Australian.  “One last chance!” she warned.  “Give us the tech, and hair care secrets, now!”

The villain simply laughed.  “You don’t understand do you?  I want you to shoot!”

Edie shrugged.  Without hesitation, she fired the guitar.  The blast hit Shinzon square on.  “Ow!” he moaned as he felt the impact.  His body went limp as the animals let him fall to the ground.  Then he did something unexpected.  He smiled.  And then, like all villains ultimately must, he explained.

“My suit…” he coughed.  “My suit has a failsafe.  If I am critically wounded…it automatically beams me to a safe location to recuperate.  Goodbye, Edie Van Heelin’!  You lose!”  With that, a device on his belt sputtered sparks.  “Oh no…” said Shinzon.  “It’s broken!”  Suddenly he began to shimmer in bright light, as the broken device beamed him away.  Where to, would be impossible to know now even for Shinzon.  He had escaped…but to where?

Edie Van Heelin’ stood dejected.

“It’s OK Edie,” said Fanboy Mike as he struggled to walk in her direction.  All the animals made their way to her side to comfort her.  Mike continued.  “We didn’t lose, we won.  We saved the Lego.  Most of it, anyway.  Maybe he got away, but he may be worse off now than if he didn’t.”

Edie smiled.  “Thanks Mike.  You’re always such good support.  I guess not every ending can be the perfect ending, can it?”

Mike smiled.  “Not every ending.  But I’d give us a solid 9/10 stars for this adventure.”

“OK, 9/10 stars it is,” said Edie with a grin.  “What now?  How do we get all this Lego back to where they came from?”

Mike answered.  “I’ll give my wizard buddy from Thunder Bay a call.  He’ll know what to do.  As for what WE do now, we go for tea.  I assume they have tea in Australia!”

Edie’s eyes lit up.  “Tea time!  Let’s do it!”  With that, Mike jumped on her back, Edie lit the rockets, and the pair soared off into the Australian sky, basking in the Southern Lights.


Epilogue

On a distant world, his eyes opened wearily to an alien sky.  The stars were foreign to him.  He was now a stranger in a strange land.  His transporter was fully destroyed, the one last beam-out being the fatal one for its circuits.  Stranded.

“She won,” said Shinzon.  “But not for forever.”  He tried to stand, but fell back down into the alien dirt.

“Ow,” said the Australian clone as he laid down on his back in pain.

“My boss will not be happy about this at all.”

The End

 

 

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)

The Advenures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow) Coming January 2023

Chapter Thirteen:  Clip Show (by LeBrain) Coming February 2023

 

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

 

A Tee Bone Man Visual Retrospective + Sneak Preview

All Lego art by Harrison Kopp.  Storylines by LeBrain, Harrison, Aaron KMA, John T. Snow and the 80sMetalMan.

Music by the man the myth the legend – Tee Bone Erickson.

A taste of what is to come in 2023!

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE

Chapter Zero:  Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain) Coming March 2023

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space (by John T. Snow) Coming Soon

 

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Writer’s Room: Chapter One

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom!

 

A Tee Bone Man Christmas Special: The Adventures of Tee Bone Man

By all of us:  Mike, Harrison, Aaron KMA, John T. Snow and the 80sMetalMan

A very special episode for Christmas, this one was written by all five of us!  I asked each author to write their own portion of the story, where their characters arrive bearing gifts and glad tidings for Deke and Tee Bone.  As you read, each writer’s style comes into play as their characters join the story.  We sincerely hope you will enjoy… 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER XI: A Tee Bone Man Christmas Special

The snow fell softly on the moon-lit night. The air was briskly cold and the breath of the Stranger dressed in black wafted in puffs as he walked through the deserted Thunder Bay town square. Not a soul was to be seen, though joyful colourful lights adorned the windows of the square. For it was Christmas, the happiest time of year for boys and girls and everyone on this glowing night. As all children know, Christmas comes but once a year, and the spirit of giving was floating high in the air tonight. The Stranger bore a black-wrapped parcel under his arm, as he strode determinedly through the square, towards the outskirts of town.  Beneath the streetlights, snowflakes drifted at their own leisurely pace, in no hurry to meet the ground.

Flakes melted as they landed on the brim of the Stranger’s dark hat; little bright stars of white that glittered like diamonds for a brief half-life before they disappeared into the obsidian. He trudged past a snowman, who looked on indifferently with his frozen ice expression, as the pure white crunched beneath the Stranger’s black boots. A single car turned the corner and made its way home from a late-night errand. The Stranger kept walking, leaving deep and crisp prints in the blanket of white.


Morning

At Deke’s Palace, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were all snuzzled in their wuzzles after too much egg nog and an extra pipeful of Santa’s magic. Though Tee Bone Man’s snoring was legendary, on this night, he barely made a sound. A true Christmas miracle! Superdekes had fallen asleep in his armchair again, but smiled as he snoozed, dreaming dreams of glittery new gifts and happy cheers.

The sun cracked a ray of light through an uncovered window as it slowly made its lazy rise on Christmas Day. The ray of light shone directly onto Deke’s eyelids, which fluttered slightly. He continued to snooze away, but the sound of the morning birds outside roused him from his noggy slumber. His eyes slowly opened as Deke yawned a yawn suited to a champion like him. He grabbed his glasses from a nearly endtable (knocking over an empty mug of nog in the process) and rubbed his eyes. His back creaked as he got out of his recliner, so he gave it a good stretch. Snap, crackle and pop went his lower vertebrae as Deke raised his arms to the ceiling. That felt good! He looked over to his best friend Tee Bone Man sleeping on the couch, in his favourite pajamas. As usual, his cape acted as his blanket. What a cute sight he was, sleeping peacefully like a baby. He’d never slept so quiet before in his life!

Superdekes tip-toed over to the windows and opened the curtains all the way. Red rays of the rising sun broke through. It was indeed a gorgeous Christmas day. He made his way into the kitchen and made two coffees. Time to wake up his buddy and open some gifts!

Tee Bone Man’s nose started to twitch as the coffee brewed over in the next room. Deke wandered over to the couch and nudged his friend.

“Wakey wakey, big guy! Santa came!”

Tee Bone yawned himself awake with a big smile.

“Really? Santa Claus came for real?” asked the big man, removing his cape-covers revealing his pajamas underneath.  He reached for his glasses so he could see.

“Yeah man, he made this coffee for you!” said Superdekes as he handed the steaming mug to Tee Bone. “And there’s a whole pile of gifts under the tree.”

Tee Bone Man reached for his glasses and sipped deeply of his coffee. “Santa broke out of the good coffee this morning I see,” said Tee Bone as he indulged in a second sip.

“Only the best for you, pal!” said Deke as they clinked mugs together. “Let’s get going on the gifts buddy! I’ve been excited all month for this!”

Tee Bone Man grabbed a stack of kindling, and started a cozy fire in the fireplace in the corner of the room. It began to crackle warmly as Deke plugged in the Christmas tree. The lights flickered to life and electronic ornaments whirred into motion. It was finally Christmas morning at Deke’s Palace and the boys were now ready! The pair sat by the tree and each grabbed a gift.

“You first, buddy!” said Deke as he handed Tee Bone a box, wrapped in elaborate red paper, with a red, blue and white bow.

“Montreal Canadiens colours eh?” said Tee Bone as he examined the box. He gave it a shake. “Is that a clue as to what’s inside?”

“Open it and see,” coaxed Deke.

Tee Bone ripped the paper open in half a second. He laughed when he saw the box beneath.

“A sleep apnea machine?!” laughed Tee Bone. “Is my snoring that bad?”

“Let’s just say that Frank Loffredo downtown has complained about it even when he has a punk band playing at Crocks.” The two laughed. “That’s just a gag gift though. Your real gift is over there on the stereo.”

Tee Bone looked towards the turntable and noticed a small package wrapped on top. He got up from the floor and opened the red, blue and white parcel. Out popped a pair of new socks. Iron Maiden socks! And this time, not cursed, like the last pair they had bought from a bootleg merchandiser!

“Maiden socks!” shouted Tee Bone in glee. Deke smiled at his friend’s expression. Tee Bone’s eyes were wide and his mouth was agape in surprise. In seconds, he had kicked off his slippers (they landed somewhere behind the stereo) and he had his new Maiden socks on his feet. Eddie’s eyes gleamed in silvery-red thread. The embroidery was top-notch.

“I’m so happy right now,” said Tee Bone in genuine warmth.

“I’m glad to see you so happy,” said his best friend. “You deserve it. You’ve had a hard year. Been through a lot. Merry Christmas dude.”

“Merry Christmas to you too man,” said Tee. Lemme get some Scotch for these coffees. Never too early for Scotch. We’re not going anywhere today.

Tee Bone Man added some Scotch to their mugs and retrieved a large box from under the tree. He handed both to Superdekes who was shocked at the size of the box.

“Woah, dude, you went overboard this year,” said Deke as he examined the wrapping paper. “Wait a second…is this Billy Sheehan wrapping paper??”

Tee Bone winked. “Of course, isn’t that ‘Common Knowledge‘?”

“You dick!” laughed Deke. “Where did you find it?”

“I had it custom made!” answered Tee Bone. “I figured you’d like nothing better than to rip that guy’s picture apart for Christmas.”

“Hah! You got that right!” said Deke as he tore the paper right through Sheehan’s face. “That was satisfying,” he sighed.

Deke was surprised by what he held in his hands. “A new rocket? To replace the one you shot to Australia?”

“Yeah, I feel so badly for that,” said Tee Bone Man in embarrassment. “I owed you for that. Sorry man. I felt really bad.”

“It’s Christmas dude, nothing to be sorry for!” gushed Deke. “Thank you, man. I never understood why you shot that rocket to Harrison in Australia. Did you ever find out if he got it?”

Tee Bone shuddered a moment as his mind flashed back to summer. Summer at Camp…the “squeeing” of that squirrel…the smell of the rocket fuel as he shot that little bastard off to Down Under, about as far away from Camp as he could imagine. Tee Bone had never told Deke the truth of that holiday, that he had been bested and broken by a damn rodent. He had buried the trauma deep in his psyche.

“Hah,” said Tee Bone absently. “I don’t know. I never asked. Who cares.”

Deke had been concerned for his friend’s mental wellbeing lately, ever since that trip to Camp. Tee Bone has been jittery and absent minded ever since.

“Well, thank you,” said Deke, trying to snap his friend back to the present, with presents. “This is really cool. I just need to do a few of my custom mods to it and it’ll be even better than my last rocket. Can’t wait to give it a test flight this summer. You did well man!”

Tee Bone, now back to normal, smiled and said “Cheers Deke!” as he raised his mug to his best friend. “There’s more though. I couldn’t just give you a rocket that I clearly owed you anyway. Grab that big heavy box wrapped in blue.”

Deke barely lifted the heavy box onto his lap. “What’s this?” he asked puzzled.

“Open it and see you goof!” laughed Tee Bone.

Deke ripped into the blue paper, only to see more blue beneath.

“The KISS Creatures of the Night box set!!” Deke glowed in happy surprise. “Thank you, man!” Deke danced across the room and gave his friend a big hug. It was then that the two heard a knock at the door.

“Was that a knock?” asked Tee. “Are you expecting anybody?”

Deke shook his head to the negative. “Not until tonight, when the families show up for Christmas dinner. Darr offered to come over early and help set the table.”

“That’s not Darr,” said Tee Bone as he peaked through the spyhole. He saw a stranger at the door, with a hat concealing most of his features. Under his arm, the stranger held a box wrapped in black paper. “Think it’s OK?” he asked Deke.

Deke shrugged. “It’s Christmas…open the door.”

Tee Bone unlocked the three locks and disarmed the electronic door security measures. He opened the door a little and greeted the stranger.

“Merry Christmas stranger! What can I do for you today?” Tee Bone asked the man in the black hat.

A Luke Skywalker lookalike removed his hat and laughed. “Stranger? As if you didn’t save my life from a Sasquatch this year!”

“Brainiac!!” shouted Tee Bone and Superdekes in unison. “Come in man! Come and have some Scotch & coffee with us!”

The Brainiac removed his heavy black coat and hung it near the fireplace. He placed his gift down on the ground and took a seat near the fire.  Within seconds, Deke had served up another warm mug, which the Brainaic accepted from his happy host.

“Good to see you guys,” said the Brainiac as he took his first sip. “Wow,” he remarked under his breath at the powerful beverage. He looked up at his hosts. “Meaty Man couldn’t make it so I bear gifts on his behalf. I feel like we never got to thank you properly for saving us from that Sasquatch.”

“Ahh that was nothing!” said Superdekes. “That’s at least twice a week up here in Thunder Bay,” he explained. Tee Bone Man nodded in agreement as Deke continued. “A lot of people think Tee Bone Man and I are always saving the world from existential threats. The truth is, we spend most of our time just looking out for Sasquatches. It’s routine now.  Not a glamorous job, but it’s what we do,” finished the superhero.

“Well, you saved our lives and I have come to say thanks and Merry Christmas,” said the Brainiac. “I hope you like your gift. It’s a custom.”

“Let’s open it together,” said Tee Bone. He and Deke picked up the black-wrapped package and each grabbed a corner. With a 1-2-3, the two ripped the paper off, revealing a custom Lego set beneath. “Woah!!” the pair exclaimed as they stared at the gift. “Is this…?”

“Yes, it is. That is a custom-made Lego Ultimate Collector’s Series Superdeke’s Flying Motorcycle. I ordered it from Australia. It comes with Lego versions of you guys, a guitar for Tee Bone, and the bike converts to flying mode with no partsforming needed!”

“Thank you so much,” said Tee Bone Man in genuine gratitude. “This is going to be so fun for us to build. It’s going to look great over there by the amps.” Tee Bone pointed over towards his amp stack in the corner.

“It can go right on top,” said Deke. “Thanks man. I’m sorry but we don’t have anything for you.”

“That’s OK,” smiled the Brainiac. “Giving is better than receiving.” The trio smiled and raised a holiday cheer with their mugs.

Spirits at the Palace were high. Suddenly, from out on the lawn there arose such a clatter.  Loud “Wahoos!” could be heard approaching, and everyone knew what that meant as the doorbell rang.

The door swung wide and in walked Aaron, Manager of the KMA Eastern Offices!  Otherwise known as “Mr. Books”, he was the general all-around Community cheerleader. The guys first met him at the concession stands of Iron Maiden concert two months prior.  They kept in touch and had become close.

“Thanks for locking the door Tee Bone,” nudged Deke sarcastically.

“Ho ho ho!” grinned Aaron, with high fives all around. “Nice pajamas, boys!” There was a sack slung over his shoulder as he made his way to the tree and plopped himself down. “I come bearing gifts,” said Mr. Books, “and I think you’ll dig ‘em.”

The room became silent in anticipation!

Stretching a long skinny arm into his sack of gifts, the first gift was for Deke. Ripping into the wrapping paper, Deke held aloft an elegant, soft leather-bound book with his name on the front. “What the heck…?” Deke wondered aloud. Flipping pages, it dawned on him. “Is this what I think it is?”

Mr. Books nodded. “Yup, a full transcript of your entire blog to date, bound and ready for late-night fire-side readings!”

Deke smiled and said, “Mr. Books got me a book…!” to chuckles all around.

Back into the bag went the arm, and out came a prezzie for Tee Bone. It was smaller, but once the paper was ripped away, Tee Bone’s face lit up. “Where did you get this done?” he wondered aloud as he showed everyone the retail-ready version of the collected works (to-date) of Tee Bone. Its title read Tee Bone: Kick Ass.

“Wow!” said Tee Bone as he admired the shrink-wrapped CD with his name on the front.

“Oh, and by the way,” said Aaron, “Deke, your book is in the works at McLelland & Stewart for publication in the spring, and Tee Bone, your CD is printed with the LPs following next month, through Universal Music Canada. Enjoy! Community!”

Festivities ensued, as the boys handed Aaron his own mug of coffee and Scotch.  Superdekes said “I feel a little bad getting all these gifts, and we didn’t have anything for anyone.”

“Don’t worry about it, just remember what the Brainiac said…it is better to receive than to give,” Tee Bone mumbled with a slight slur, as the booze was really kicking in.  As was the party.

Suddenly, they heard a car horn, and loud noise from something that flew over their lair.  Everyone jumped up and went outside where the bitter cold shrunk their manhoods up into their bodies.  They looked up to see a bright red McLaren soaring overhead being pulled by nine…snowmen?  Yep, nine snowmen. The one out front even had a red nose.  This could only mean one thing.

The McLaren circled and was set to glide in for a landing.  As the snowmen touched down, the one with the red nose tripped and fell causing all the other snowmen to follow course. The flying car came in hard and ran over all the snowmen destroying them, as they blended in with all the snow that was already covering the landscape.

The car door opened and out jumped John “the Snowman” himself.  “Wow!  That was sure as hell fun.  Thought I was going to stick that landing.  I guess I’ll have to drive back now without the snowmen to pull me.”

Superdekes and Tee Bone Man looked each other and shook their heads.  They both simultaneously uttered a bewildered “What an idiot”.

“Merry Christmas guys!” the Snowman screamed. “I’m here bearing gifts.  I wanted to thank you guys again for all you do.”  As he pulled a large sack from the trunk.  It looked really heavy and almost looked like he was dragging a body.

They all shook hands, and led the Snowman into their lair out of the cold and away from the lunacy they witnessed.

“Come on in Snowman, and have a drink”, Tee Bone said invitingly.  The Snowman nodded and followed, dragging the bag behind him.  He went to the bar first grabbing a whole bottle instead of a glass.  Then he sat down in the seat of his choosing not caring that it was Superdekes’ armchair, and he didn’t see how perturbed Superdekes was about it.

The Snowman looked at the bag with a silly shit-eating grin on his face. “Superdekes, this is for you.”  He opened the bag and out popped a head.  The head had tape over the mouth and was squirming like crazy. The bag fell off the rest of the body and there standing in the lair was none other than Billy Sheehan, otherwise known as Common Knowledge!  Deke’s arch nemesis!

Superdekes gasped, ”Holy moly!”

The Snowman untied the evil bassist, and then ripped the tape off Billy’s mouth.  Billy let out a huge scream. “Remember what we discussed,” the Snowman said to Billy.

Billy turned to Superdekes and stated, “Superdekes, I am sorry for how I acted towards you and I want to apologize.  It is ‘Common Knowledge’ that I’m a self-centered idiot, and sometimes I am rude to people.  To show my sincerity, instead of signing my music rights over to some company where I can make millions, I am signing my rights over to you.”  He handed a folder of paper to Superdekes.

Superdekes gasped, ”Holy moly!”

And with that, the Snowman showed Billy to the door and commanded, “Okay, now, get the hell out and you can walk back to your house!” He kicked him in the ass on the way out.  Common Knowledge whimpered as he limped off in the snow.

Superdekes laughed, “That was so awesome!  Not very Christmas-y, but awesome!  I can’t thank you enough! That was so generous and illegal of you.”

The Snowman guffawed.  “So what, I’ll pay off a judge if it comes to that, but I doubt he’ll say anything as I have pictures of Billy that he doesn’t want to be let out.”

“What do the pictures show?” Tee Bone Man asked.

“Oh, it has him actually getting a Covid shot,” The Snowman laughed even harder. The others chuckled as well.  “I guess it is your turn now, Tee Bone Man.”  The Snowman pulled out of the bag an Eddie Van Halen Frankstrat guitar…sorry not “an” Eddie Van Halen Frankenstrat…THE original Frankenstrat.

Tee Bone Man’s mouth fell open and asked, “I thought Satan had this.”

“He did, but even Satan has a price!” The Snowman answered with a smirk.

“Man, this is totally awesome. I can’t thank you enough,” Tee Bone Man graciously said.  They all sat down and cranked tunes and laughed until it was time for the Snowman to head back out, since he was driving and not flying home.

Superdekes was getting too tipsy to get up, so Tee Bone Man showed the Snowman to the door. On the way out, as they said their goodbyes, the Snowman handed Tee Bone Man an envelope addressed to him with a “For Your Eyes Only” stamped on it.  The Snowman said mysteriously, “As we talked about last week.”

Tee Bone Man nodded in understanding, but the Christmas spirit was boisterous this year.  He gave the Snowman a big hug, and asked him to stay.  “Listen, driving home, on a day like today…don’t leave Snowman, stay with us!  Spend the night in the guest room of the Palace.  You are more than welcome.”

“Are you sure?” the Snowman asked.  He didn’t want to be that annoying guest who stayed too late.

“Absolutely!  Stay the night!  Like your favourite band Kiss says, rock and roll all nite Snowman!”

With that the Snowman kicked off his boots and settled in for more drinks with Aaron and the Brainiac.

Tee Bone man looked at the envelope that the Snowman handed him and tucked it into his sweater.  Superdekes noticed this covert behaviour.  “What’s that about?” he asked.

Tee Bone Man said dismissively, “it’s nothing.”


Early Afternoon

The day continued on as everyone celebrated. A grand lunch was enjoyed by all, but now at midday, a friendly game of air hockey between friends had taken a heated turn. Deke took objection to Tee Bone’s checking, and was about to give him a piece of his mind when the sound of a single-propeller aeroplane buzzed overhead. This was shortly followed by a loud thump and a muffled “Ow!” From the roof above. Tee Bone and Deke looked at each other. Unless Santa was very late, this could only be one person.

And sure enough, in the front yard stood Harrison Holden, the Australian hero El Moustachio. He was cracking his back and discarding a parachute to the snowy ground. Tee Bone ran out to greet him.

“Dude! It’s great to see you but you do know we have airports, right?”

“I didn’t want to wait to see you. Plus can you imagine trying to drive a car all the way out here?”

Tee Bone looked around. The Australian was right as they hadn’t even attempted to clear the snow from out the front of the Palace. And he certainly wasn’t about to begin now. Putting his arm around the Australian’s shoulder, he guided him towards Deke’s Palace.

“Well, you’re here now, so come on in. I think we’ve still got food leftover from lunch.  Turkey dinner will be served at six.  Now there’s something I’ve always been meaning to ask you.  Do they have squirrels over there in Australia?  And do you call them squirrels?  Or do you call them squirrelaroos?”

“Well, not exactly. But you see…“

He was then interrupted as Deke also took the opportunity to ask Harrison something else he’d been meaning to for a while now.

“Hey Harrison, I just remembered to ask you.  Did you get my rocket a while back?”

“Yeah, it crashed on the beach near my place. I salvaged what I could from it. Would you like me to bring it next time?”

“No, that’s fine”, Deke replied as they walked through the door. “I got a replacement today.  I wanted to ask you about what Tee Bone sent to you…”

Deke’s question was interrupted by a loud banging and a crash in the kitchen.

“Sorry!” yelled the Brainiac from the kitchen.  “I spilled the Scotch!”  Deke forgot about his question as he smacked his head in frustration.

“I’m helping him clean!” shouted Aaron in response.  “Me too!” screamed the Snowman, slightly easing Deke’s mind.  But that Scotch wasn’t cheap!

The three men entered the Palace, and Harrison pulled his backpack off his back and reached into it.

“Well, I got a few more things for you guys. First up, an original vinyl of The Razor’s Edge, for you to share.  Australian pressing of course.”

“Wicked!  AC/DC!” Tee Bone exclaimed, taking the record. He ran his hand over it, feeling the aged cardboard under his fingers.  “Feels exactly like 1990!”

Harrison reached back into his bag and pulled out an authentic Australian boomerang.

“I’m sorry to hear about your guitar Tee Bone. I know this won’t replace it, but it should give you some ranged offensive capabilities. And when you do get a new guitar, it will make a nice mantelpiece item.”

“Awesome, thank you”, Tee Bone said. He held the curved weapon in his hand. It had a satisfying weightiness and fit perfectly.  “I did get a new guitar, but it’s not for missions.  Take a look!”

Tee Bone gave Harrison a good thorough examination of the Frankenstrat.  “Very cool!  Is that the original?” asked Harrison.

“It sure is!” screamed the Snowman from across the room.  Harrison gasped in astonishment at the piece of rock history standing before him.  He took a moment to admire it, and then turned to Deke.

“And for you Deke, I give you the latest weapon in your arsenal.”  The Australian handed Deke a metal chain with a round lump of metal on each end.  Balls of steel, so to speak.

“They’re sort of like nunchucks, but much more damaging”, he said, with a smile.

Deke twirled them around. They were deceptively light, but Deke could tell from swinging them around that they’d pack a punch.

“Thanks man”, Deke replied. “I can think of quite a few uses for these.”

“Glad to hear. Merry Christmas guys.”

And the three men turned to continue the festivities as the others joined in.


Late Afternoon

The Scotch, as well as other alcoholic beverages continued to flow into Christmas afternoon. While sober Harrison volunteered to clean up in the kitchen, Tee Bone Man, Superdekes, Aaron, Brainiac and the Snowman all slumped themselves down on various pieces of furniture throughout the living room. Much to the silent annoyance of Deke, the Snowman once again was occupying his favourite armchair. All were now in a festive but quiet mood, as they digested their food.  Together they enjoyed the Christmas songs recorded on an mp3 by the denizens of Rock Heaven.

“Is that Ronnie James Dio singing ‘Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire?'” asked a rather perplexed Aaron.

Superdekes raised his head and answered in the affirmative and then added, “And that’s Randy Rhoads on the guitar,” when the guitar solo came.

They were all ensconced in their enjoyment of the music, when they heard yet another knock at the door. Being the closest, Tee Bone Man staggered over and opened the door. He recognized the figure at the door straight away.

“Metalman!” How did you get here?” Tee Bone Man sputtered out in total surprise.

“Allow me to come in and I’ll tell you,” the Metalman replied.

Tee Bone Man opened the door wider and let the visitor in. “Hey everyone, it’s the Metalman!” he announced to the room.

The near slumbering Superdekes suddenly perked up. Sitting straight, he asked the question which was on both of their minds. “How did you get to Canada from England? I’m sure there wouldn’t be any flights now.”

“It seems I am a contact point between this world and Rock Heaven,” Metalman began. “I’ve been visited a few times by different deceased artists, mainly to make sure I am getting my historical facts right. Cliff Burton told me that if I hadn’t corrected myself when I wrote about Slayer’s Show No Mercy album, he would have personally come and haunted me forever. Anyway, they told me of a secret porthole between here and my home. The only way to open it is to play ‘Tom Sawyer’ backwards at double speed, I did and it took me straight to your door.”

Tee Bone Man took a second to absorb this information but then exclaimed, “Come and join the party! Superdekes you know, but this is Aaron, Harrison, Brainiac and the Snowman.”  Harrison had finished cleaning the dishes and had rejoined the party.  He shook Metalman’s hand with his fresh dish-soap Australian right.

Aaron struggled to his feet and stumbled over extending his hand to the Metalman. “So, you’re the guy who helped these two heroes save heavy metal.”

While Metalman nodded, Superdekes stood up and proclaimed, “He saved our lives! If it hadn’t been for him, we would have been driven insane by that device that Suplee character had.”

“Hey, you guys saved heavy metal from being erased from history. I was just glad to get the assist,” Metalman humbly responded, hoping the Canadians would be impressed with his hockey reference. They nodded in approval while Aaron let out a “Wahoo!”  Metalman continued.  “Anyway, I thought it would be cool to visit you guys. Besides, after nearly 36 wet Christmases in England, I wanted to see a white Christmas again, and where better than Canada.”

“That’s true,” Aaron stated.  “We have the best winters.”

The Metalman continued, “I don’t come empty handed.” He reached into the bag he was holding and pulled out a bottle of beer with Stroud Brewery on the label.  “All of these are from my local brewery and there’s plenty for all.  And I got you a Christmas present.”  Metalman turned his head to an unseen entity.  “You can reveal yourself now.”

Aaron, Brainiac and the Snowman all must have thought the drink was getting the better of them as they saw a form begin to manifest itself in the room, though Tee Bone Man and Superdekes had seen it before. What they didn’t expect was exactly who was materializing in the room before their eyes. “Everyone,” Metalman announced with a huge grin on his face, “I brought Neil Peart.”

Seeing all the surprised expressions in the room, Neil spoke. “I had to meet the two guys who saved heavy metal. I would have loved to have come when Dio, Hanneman and Lemmy first contacted you but I was busy elsewhere. Besides, John Bonham was a good replacement.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Tee Bone Man said in complete astonishment to the Metalman. “We had no idea you were coming, we didn’t even get you a present.”

“Hey, like the other guys said, Christmas is about giving. I don’t think you could get me what I would really like. That is to meet my favourite Canadian band, the Killer Dwarfs, or at least Russ Graham.”

“You never know, they might be playing at Crocks next year.  We’ll have to ask Frank,” Tee-Bone Man stated. Now let’s not think about next year, and enjoy our Christmas with our celebrity guest! With that, he bade Metalman to sit down and made him a special Scotch coffee. Meanwhile, Neil Peart stated, “If you fast forward that mp3 to track 152, I play drums for Elvis on this Christmas song.”

Superdekes followed Neil’s instruction and in no time, all the friends were back to rocking the Christmas festivities, in ways they never imagined possible before.


Early Evening

“That…was awesome,” said the Brainiac in summation of the Christmas Day he had just enjoyed.

“Wasn’t it?” asked Aaron, face reddened by too much drink.  “Good to see ya my friend, it’s been too long.”

“How about you Harrison?” asked the Brainiac.  “Did you have a good time today?  Are you full of treats?”

“Am I ever,” said Harrison, “But I’m going to bring some of those roasted chestnuts home for a friend of mine.”

Deke stood and addressed the room.

“My friends, thank you for joining Tee Bone and I for Christmas.  Soon our families will be here for the big Christmas Dinner, even though some of you are still full from lunch!  I warned you to save room for the turkey!”  He glared in jest over at Tee Bone, who was caught eating handfuls of chocolate before dinner.  “You are all welcome to stay, but I think there is just one thing that is missing here today.”  Deke looked over at the Snowman relaxing in his favourite armchair and decided now was the time to make his move.  “Snowman, would you do the honours?  Side one, track four please.”  He handed the Snowman the copy of Razor’s Edge that Harrison had gifted them earlier.

“Sure thing!” screamed the Snowman as he got up out of the chair.  Deke swiftly and sneakily took his place back.

The needle hit wax and Deke said, “Guys, how about a singalong?  I believe you all know how it goes.”

“Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the day.  I just can’t wait til Christmas time…when I roll you in the hay…” sang Brian Johnson on the AC/DC holiday classic “Mistress for Christmas”.

The whole gang stood and sang along to the merry tune.  Then, mid-song, Tee Bone announced, “Ladies and gentlemen…on the drums, Mr. Neil Peart!”  The ghost of Peart, and a phantom drum kit, began to keep time with the song, a sound that only those in that room on that day would ever witness.  A historic Christmas for Tee Bone Man, Superdekes and all their friends.  A celebration of a year of struggles and victories.  An anticipation for what the next year will bring in the Adventures of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.  For their story was only beginning.

Merry Christmas, one and all.

Mike, Harrison, Aaron, John and Michael


Epilogue

Not one for elaborate goodbyes, the Stranger quietly let his hosts know it was time for him to leave, and then slipped into the night.  With his dark fedora once again on his head, and soft coat keeping him warm from the elements, he made a lonely figure as he trudged in the deep snow.  Lonely on the surface, but only to those who did not know.  For the select few who spent Christmas day with him, they knew he was happy and fulfilled.  Nothing made him warmer inside than spending a day with his friends.  This was a Christmas he would long remember, full of cheer and miracles.

And he knew it wouldn’t be long before he saw Tee Bone Man and soon-to-be Grampa Deke one more time.  It was all but written in stone.

He stopped at the Thunder Bay town square where his Christmas began.  It looked much like it had the night before.  The bright lights still shone, and the snow still glistened and sparkled before him.  He glanced at his watch and then looked up to the sky.  He never told his hosts exactly how he got to Thunder Bay for Christmas, but the Stranger had a ride.  He smiled as he saw the woman in the rocket boots, right on time, ready to take him to his next party.

The End

 

 


THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas Special (by all five of us)

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Writer’s Room: chapter one

The Writer’s Room:  It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom!

 

The Writer’s Room: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like a Tee Bone Man Christmas

December 6, 2022. The Writer’s Room.

I sat down at the table of the Writer’s Room, with a mild case of Grinchiness.  I had been asking these guys for their parts for weeks, and gotten nowhere!  They were all seated around the table, waiting for me to speak.  There was Harrison to my immediate right, and he was twitching with eagerness to start work on his Lego artwork.  Next to him was John, drinking a bottle of Gene Simmons’ “Moneybag” soda, a premium offering from the Kiss demon.  To my left were Aaron, and Michael, the 80sMetalMan.  They seemed to be confused as to the urgency of this meeting.

They just didn’t get it.  Pressure, deadlines!  I tried to act like a frustrated coach of a sporting team.

“OK guys, listen up!” I began, taking a sip of my coffee.  “Christmas is only a few weeks away.  I know everyone at this table is aware of the backlog in Lego art.  Harrison is sitting there with nothing to do while he waits for us to get our acts in gear!”

John Snow raised his hand.  With his southern gentleman demeanour, he asked, “I’m a little confused here, what is the problem exactly?  And why are you acting like such a Scrooge?”

“No questions until the end!” I barked.  Snow put down his Simmons ginger ale, taken aback by my tone.

“Now pay attention because I’m only going to say this once!  Right now, Santa’s cracking the whip on his elves, to make sure he gets all the toys in all the stockings by December 24!  Can you imagine the disappointment if Santa didn’t deliver?  There’d be so many heartbroken children all over the world, that White Lion’s ‘When the Children Cry’ would become a Top Ten charting single again!  But we know Santa won’t let that happen!  He’s going to work those elves until they’ve built all the Nintendos and Playstations or whatever the hell kids are asking for these days!  When I was a kid we’d be lucky to get a Luke Skywalker and two Jawas!”

I paused to take a breath as I noticed the other guys were quite shocked at my aggressiveness today.  Aaron rubbed his eyes as a headache induced by the volume of my voice set in.  Michael just looked patiently.  As the newest member of the Writer’s Room, he didn’t want to rock the boat.  Harrison appeared concerned while Snow seemed engulfed in his next bottle of Simmons soda.

“We cannot let our readers down, guys.  They expect a great Tee Bone Man adventure every month!  They want to see top-notch Lego art from the Australian Wunderkind over here.  They want music references, they want inside jokes, and they want Scotch on the rocks!  And what have I got back from you guys??  Nothing!!”

All four guys’ eyes went wide as they stared at me in shock.  John’s jaw may have dropped slightly, or it could have been the cola he was now drinking.

“But Mike, as you know, I got my part to you first, a long time ago in fact,” said Aaron gently.  “You even told me you got it.”

I owed him an apology.  “Yes, I’m sorry, you are right about that.  I’m excluding you from this lecture Aaron.”  I then turned to the rest of the table.  “Why can’t you guys be more like Aaron?  Sure, his portion was little more than a bunch of ‘Wahoos!’ but at least he did the work.  Don’t you guys understand what we’re trying to do here?”

I walked around the table.  “We are trying to write a Tee Bone Man episode for Christmas, a special one like none we’ve attempted before!  We are determined to do a seasonal story, in time for the holidays!  Not late!  With each one of us contributing our own section of the story, with our own characters!  A unique gift for Tee Bone and Deke, a single story written by all five of us!  Each injecting our own styles, characters, and gifts for our heroic duo!  Don’t you guys understand the concept?  We can’t finish until we get every single section in so Harrison can do the art!  And time is running out!”

Harrison coughed and asked to speak.  “Can I add a few words here?” said the Australian.

“Yes, please do, tell these guys how strapped we are for time!” I invited him.

“Umm, I was actually going to ask you to check your email.  I submitted my part of the story several weeks ago.  Perhaps you should look in your spam folder?”

With a gruff smirk on my face, I reached for my phone in my shirt pocket.  I opened up my email and looked in spam.

“Well, unless you sent it to me with the title ‘Viagara on sale’ then no, it’s not in spam Harrison,” I said with self satisfaction.

“What about your general inbox?  Maybe it’s in your unread items.  You usually have several thousand of those in your inbox,” he said.

I scrolled and scrolled and scrolled.  I then put my phone back in my pocket, took another drink of my coffee, and looked at the group.

“OK so none of this applies to Aaron and Harrison.”  I glared at Snow, now drinking a root beer, and Michael sitting there quietly.

There was an ominous, very unseasonable quiet around the table.

“Well, don’t you have anything to say you two?” I demanded.

John raised his hand again.  “I do.  Is it time for questions now?”

“Yes it’s time for questions now!” I exclaimed in exasperation.

John gently asked, “When you were looking for Harrison’s chapter in your inbox, did you happen to see mine in there too?  Remember, I told you to make any changes you needed to fit it into the story.”

Did he?  “I thought that you were talking about your new space story that you’re working on John?”

“I sent you both, remember?”  John waited for my response.

I didn’t bother checking my phone this time.

“Alright, so it seems I definitely owe three of you an apology.  My mistake.  I’m sorry guys, I stand corrected.  Your chapters are submitted.  But Michael, Harrison will need you to finish yours in order to do the Lego art!”

Michael the 80sMetalMan was about to open his mouth, when Harrison interrupted.  “Actually,” he raised his hand, “Since we’ve already discussed the ending, and all the major events of the story, I can do the Lego art without much issue,” he corrected me.

I looked down at the table.  Was I wrong about everything at this meeting today?  Did I berate this fine group of writers for nothing?

“So what are you saying…that we’re actually in good shape to get the story done ahead of schedule?” I asked.

Michael smiled.  “It sounds to me like we’re in excellent shape and all on the same page.  Except for you that is!”

Everyone laughed.

“Well I certainly wish I could take back 90% of what I said back there!” I said, a little ashamed at myself.

“Only 90%?” asked Aaron.  “What would you have still said?”

“Well, I notice John Snow is on his fourth bottle of Gene Simmons soda and hasn’t offered any of us a bottle.  And he even knows I love Kiss and soda pop.  So I’d probably still berate John at the beginning there.”

Everyone laughed but John, who reached under the table and lifted up a huge box.

“Merry Christmas, Mike,” he said with a huge grim.

“Is this what I think it is?” I asked feeling even more ashamed of myself.  I ripped open the paper.  “Gene Simmons Moneybag soda!!  Enough for everyone to share.  It’s even cold!”

“It sure is, I kept it outside last night!” explained Snow.  “I can’t believe how cold it is in Canada!”

With that, the Christmas spirit had finally arrived.  The five men grabbed fresh bottles of soda and raised a cheer.  Each one of them looked forward to the Tee Bone Man Christmas special, a first-time event:  a special story co-written by all five writers.  Each one lending his own unique style and characters to the story, in celebration of our heroes Tee Bone and Superdekes.

Look for the Tee Bone Man Christmas episode in time for your holiday egg nog, and to all a good night!

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN

Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)

Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)

Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)

Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John Snow)

Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)

Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)

Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)

Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)

COMING SOON!  Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)

 

THE EXTENDED LEBRAINIVERSE

The Writer’s Room: chapter one

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’:  Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom!

 

The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom!

Welcome to The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’, an ongoing series I’ve been working on in my spare time.  But who is Edie?

Edie Van Heelin’ is the lead guitarist of Van Heelin’, the all-female tribute to Van Halen.  When she’s not too busy rocking the stages with her stellar curves, and hot covers of classic Van Halen, she leads a secret life as an alien-battling superhero!  With the ability to communicate with animals, and an urgent drive to keep them safe, Edie is a modern-day hero with a classic rock sensibility.  You’ll often find her clad in her trademark heels and fishnets, all while kicking ass, taking names, and saving animals in danger!

Edie’s cast of characters include:

  • Fanboy Mike, an ally and Van Heelin’ superfan.  Mike lives in Canada, where he often encounters strange aliens and UFOs.
  • Tommy Lee, sometimes friend, sometimes foe, and always annoying!  This party-hardy rock star always seems to rub Edie the wrong way.
  • Green aliens and animal allies!  Can Edie keep her animal friends safe while also keeping the aliens (and Tommy) away from Fanboy Mike?

This story is a collaboration with a good friend of mine who inspired the character of Edie.  Like all my fiction, it’s a mixture of reality with a healthy dose of fantasy!  We hope you like it.

“Jump” in and get rocked with Edie Van Heelin’!  This episode was inspired by Tommy Lee’s new music video, “Bouncy Castle”.

 


 

prelude

Fanboy Mike sat on the porch of the cottage at midnight on this July night.  It was still warm; too warm for slumber.  Unable to sleep, he thought he may as well get up.  Sipping his drink, Fanboy was content, if restless.  There was nothing in the air but the sound of crickets.  He breathed deeply, inhaling the sweet country air.  Insomnia sucked but there was no better place in the world to have insomnia.  If only his friend, Edie Van Heelin’, was here to enjoy it with him.  He knew that his high-heeled, animal-loving rock star would love it.  He hadn’t seen her in a while.  He missed their adventures.  Crazy times, they had.  There was the time that aliens blew up her hot tub.  There was another time she ended up stuck on a UFO with Tommy Lee.  Mike chuckled to himself thinking about it.

Taking a deep sip of decaf, Fanboy Mike decided to take a late night stroll.  He put his mug down and grabbed his headlight.  He strode down the porch steps, into the night.  He took a few steps forward and sensed rustling in the trees.

“Just a skunk or racoon,” he reasoned.  “Nothing to be afraid of.”  He heard a branch snap and then turned on his headlight.  Mike jumped back in shock.

Right in front of him was a green alien.  Fanboy wanted to scream, but the alien stunned him with a beam that rendered him silent.  There was a flash of light, and then quiet.  Both Mike and the alien had disappeared.

EDIE VAN HEELIN’ vs. TOMMY LEE in the BOUNCY CASTLE OF DOOM

CHAPTER 1

In California, Edie Van Heelin’ was just finishing up tucking her little ones into bed.  It had been a busy month.  In addition to playing guitar in her critically acclaimed Van Halen tribute band Van Heelin’, she had also become a guardian of animals.  It seemed like every waking moment involved rescuing some animals in distress.  Not that she minded.  The only thing she loved more than the animals was her own family.  It had been a busy month, but Edie was now going to indulge herself with some hot tea, and husband time.  Mr. Van Heelin’ was cuing up the next episode of the Sopranos in their big marathon.

“Ready?” he asked with his finger gingerly poised on the remote.

“Ready!” said Edie eagerly.

It was at that exact moment their evening was interrupted by the noise of techno music.  Bad techno music.  If you could even call it music.  What they heard was little more than amateurish noise, far removed from the excellent music they usually enjoyed.  Loud beats and shrieking sirens with no direction; just pure idiotic noise.  Mr. and Mrs. Van Heelin’ plugged their ears and frowned.

“What the heck is that?” shouted Mr. Van Heelin’.

“I better go look outside!” shouted Edie back.

Mrs. Van Heelin’ put on her brand new pair of silver platform boots, and stepped outside onto the lawn.  Looking up, she saw the source of the noise.

“Not these guys again!” she shouted in exasperation.  A UFO was flying wildly overhead, polluting the skies with the noise of that terrible techno music.

“Time to be a superhero?” asked Mr. Van Heelin’.  He was getting used to her always being on a mission to save somebody.

“Afraid so!” she shouted back.  “It’s those damn aliens again!”

Mr. Van Heelin’ came out to give her a good luck kiss.  “Get home safe!  I’ll keep the Sopranos where we left it.”

With that, Edie clicked the heels of her boots together.  They suddenly fired to life!  Edie’s new rocket boots were a gift from a tech-wizard fan from the snowy climbs of Northern Ontario Canada; she just couldn’t wait to give them a test flight.  She saluted her husband as she lifted off into the night.

CHAPTER 2

“Woooooo!” shouted Edie in glee, as she rocketed through the black skies of California.  These new rocket boots were awesome!  They were fast and she could easily catch up to that mad UFO.  Nobody was about to ruin her night with crap techno music.  Although now that she was starting to think about it, she got a bad feeling about the whole situation.

“Bad techno…why does that remind me of something?  I can’t quite place my finger on it.”

She flew closer and closer to the alien ship.  The saucer gleamed silver in the starlight.  Edie began to slow her speed, as she didn’t want to rush this mission.  Caution was in order.

“I know what to do,” said Edie.  “I’m going to call Fanboy Mike.  He knows everything about music.  Maybe he even knows something about this really bad techno crap.  I’ll let him hear it – I bet he can tell me what’s up.”

Edie reached into her utility belt and found her phone.  She dialed up Fanboy Mike.  She had just spoken to him earlier tonight and she knew he was at his cottage with Mrs. Fanboy.  It was late, but he would understand the urgency.  He’s dealt with these nasty aliens before too.

The phone rang.  No answer.  “He must be asleep,” said Edie as she hit redial.

Mrs. Fanboy answered groggily.  “Hello?”

“Oh, hey Jen.  Is Mike around?  I know it’s late but this is urgent.”

There was a silence from the other end.

“Oh my goodness he’s not here!  He’s gone!  His coffee mug is on the front porch but he’s gone!”

This wasn’t good.  “Don’t worry Jen.  I’m on the case.  I’ll find our Fanboy and get him home safe.  Don’t you worry!”

Edie hung up and wondered if there was a connection between these annoying aliens and her beloved special fan?  Deciding not to waste any further time, Edie hit the afterburners on her rocket boots.  Soon she had overtaken the aliens and landed on their ship’s upper hull.  Her rocket boots had many features, including electro-magnetic soles!  She activated the magnets and was now firmly standing on the ship.

The wind whipped her hair straight back.  Now she had to figure out how to enter.

Edie began crawling over the surface of the ship. She found what appeared to be an upper hatch but it was locked shut.  She tried to open it with her fingers but failed.

“Broke a nail!” she complained.  “Whoever’s flying this thing will have to pay.”

Edie searched her utility belt and found something useful.  “Speaking of nails…” she smiled as she hoisted a titanium nail file from her belt.  She wedged it between the panels of the ship.  “This oughtta do the trick!”  Within seconds, she had triggered the panel to slide open beneath her.  Edie fell and landed, superhero style, in the hallway of the spacecraft.  She reached back into her utility belt and found a Toy Story band aid to cover her broken nail.

“Seen one, seen ‘em all,” said Edie as she examined her UFO surroundings.  “It’s even louder in here!” she complained as she plugged her ears.  “No problem though.”  Edie searched her belt again and found her special earplugs, very high tech.  They filtered out the noise but allowed her to pick up other sounds.  Soon the techno music was rendered down to a simple but stupid “thump thump thump”.

“This is the worst, dumbest music I’ve ever heard,” complained Edie.  “Nowhere near as good as Prodigy, Chemical Brothers or Daft Punk!  You have to be a real cement head to make this kind of music!”  Fortunately the earplugs were doing their job.  Time to come up with a plan.

Edie Van Heelin’ had many weapons in her arsenal.  Unfortunately she left her electric guitar at home, so a battle of music was not going to happen this time.  She did, however, have her army of animals at her command.

“Time to bring this adventure down to Earth!” said Edie.  She knew just the animal to help.  She concentrated deeply and focused on the mighty American eagle.  “Help me eagles!  We need to ground this spaceship right away!”

Within minutes, her call was answered!  A huge flock of American eagles descended upon the UFO.  They flapped their mighty wings, all the while tolerating the horrible techno music.  Inch by inch, the spacecraft began its descent.

Inside, Edie Van Heelin’ prepared for impact.  She braced herself against the walls of the craft.  She could feel that the craft was fighting to stay aloft, but the eagles were winning.  Soon they’d be down.  Then Edie would be fighting these aliens on her own terms.

The landing was surprisingly soft given it was a battle between eagle and alien.  The craft shuddered and shook, and soon became motionless.  If not for that damned techno music, she’d have thought nobody was home.  But that music made it clear, somebody here was having a party.  If so, she needed some help.

“Vim!  Vigor!  To my side!”  Edie summoned her animal allies.  A few moments passed, and she was soon joined by two, big gray squirrels:  Vim and Vigor!  They entered the UFO through the top hatch and joined Edie, chasing each other around her.

“Settle down boys!” said Edie.  “We’re on a mission!”  The two squirrels stood on their haunches, alert and waiting for their next command.

Edie knew the layout of this model of UFO.  She knew where the bridge was.  “Follow me!” she commanded the squirrels.  Vim and Vigor followed her as she ran in her platform boots through the corridor.  Edie remembered last time she had to storm the control room of a UFO.  She was with that idiot Tommy Lee.  “What a goof that guy was,” she said to herself.

The techno music was deafeningly loud inside the UFO.  Strangely though, it was quieter up by the control room.  She expected that to be the source of the music.  Edie and the squirrels stood on either side of the control room door.  “You go right, I go left!” she commanded.  Vim and Vigor nodded in understanding.  With a finger wrapped in a band-aid, Edie signaled them and kicked open the door with her platforms.

Vim, Vigor and Edie Van Heelin’ stormed the control room.  An empty control room?

“What the…?” asked Edie.  “Nobody flying this thing?”  The two squirrels were as perplexed as she was.

“Come on guys!” she commanded.  “Follow the noise!  There’s gotta be someone here on this thing.  But even if there isn’t, we’re turning off this amateur techno nonsense!”  The two squirrels nodded in agreement and scooted on down the hallway, following Edie and the sound of the techno.

CHAPTER 3

Edie and her Squirrel Team 1 navigated the labyrinthine corridors, following the music.  It grew louder and louder.  The team noticed the hallways becoming messier and messier.  Spilled liquids, underwear, and dirt lined the corridors.  Underwear?  Leopard spotted g-strings?

“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Edie.

A loud shout was heard down the hall, dead ahead.  “YEAH DUUUUUUUUDE!”

“Oh, shit,” said Edie, letting out a rare swear word.  “Not him.”

She sighed as the trio reached a closed door.  The door was vibrating with bass.  She nodded to the squirrels, and kicked the door open with a mighty boot.  She didn’t even have to look inside to know who was behind this noise.

“Thomas Lee Bass,” she announced.  “By the authority of the Earth Animal Protection Squad, the three of us are arresting you for excessive noise!”  She paused a moment and added, “Plus crappy techno music!  The Prodigy, that’s more like it.  This crap, you can stuff it up your…oh my.”

What Edie saw in that room cannot be explained in mere words.

“Welcome to the Bouncy Castle, dude!” said a nude Tommy Lee, with food smeared on his body and wearing a helmet with three dildos protruding from it.  The room was a cacophony of noise, sex toys, booze and mess.  There was a huge drum kit in the corner with giant boob-drums.  There were bottles everywhere around, and dirty clothes hanging from every piece of furniture.  Edie’s two squirrels placed their paws over their ears trying to dampen the awful sound.

“We could make better techno music, and we don’t even have hands!” Vim said in Squirrelese to Vigor.  Vigor nodded in disgusted agreement.

Tommy bounced up and down on his bed.  His wiener bounced with him.  “Yeah dude it’s time to party!” screamed an inebriated Lee.  Then he stopped bouncing.  His wiener thudded against his knee as he came to a halt.  “Wait a minute…I know you, dude!”  Tommy jumped off the bed.  “You’re that Edie Van Heelin’ chick!  So damn hot!  Come here baby let me show you what love is like in the Bouncy Castle!”  Tommy removed his penis helmet, ready for love.

Edie tried not to barf.  “Umm, no, no, and just no.  What the hell is the ‘bouncy castle’?  Just…put on some pants and turn this music down.  You may be a great drummer but you suck at techno, Tommy.”

Suddenly Tommy’s demeanor changed.  He was no longer the party-hardy California boy from the Sunset Strip.  His face took on a darker tone.  His eyes gleamed.

“Who are you, the Fun Police?  No way am I turning this down, Negative Nancy!”  Tommy reached for a remote control and turned the music up.

Edie and the squirrels reached for their ears again.  This was too much!  But without hesitation or instruction, Vim and Vigor jumped on top of Tommy!  Vim scratched at his nose while Vigor slapped the remote from his hands.  Vigor brought the controller to Edie.  She searched for the volume control.

“What the…this control only has volume up!  No volume down!  What the heck is wrong with you Tommy?!”

“Come here baby and I’ll show you exactly what’s wrong with me!”  His dick stood at attention.  Vim dropped down from his head and hung onto to Tommy’s wiener like a tree branch.

“OWWW!” screamed Tommy in pain.  “My junk!”  Tommy tried to shake the squirrels off his body but was no use, as Vigor then leaped up to scratch his balls.

“MY BALLS!” screamed Tommy.  “Not my balls!”  Tommy fell to the ground in pain.

“Turn off the music Lee, or I’ll have them playing trapeze from your nutsack!” threatened Edie.

“OK!  OK!  Truce!!”  The drummer/techno musician killed the power with a switch next to his bed.  “I was just partying with the aliens, what’s the big deal?” he asked from his position on the floor.

“The big deal is we could hear you all the way from the foothills of California!  Don’t you have any consideration for other people?” scolded Edie.  The two squirrels shook a paw at him.

“What other people?” asked Tommy in a confused state.  “Are you talking about that dude we picked up in Canada tonight?”

Edie stopped in her tracks.  “What ‘dude’ are you talking about?”

CHAPTER 4

Tommy rubbed his sore nuts.

“What ‘dude’ are you talking about, Tommy?” repeated Edie Van Heelin’.

Tommy massaged his head, where the squirrel had been dangling from him.  “Some Canadian dude, dude!  Me and the aliens were partying and I said, ‘hey dudes, you know what we need, we need a hard core Motley Crue fan to party hard with us!’  So we found him and he’s around here somewhere.”

“Around here somewhere?  Where the heck did you leave him?” asked Edie, becoming more and more upset.  Her two squirrels echoed her concern with squirrel chatter.

Tommy scratched his head.  “I can’t remember dude!” he answered.  “But does it matter?  He’s fine.  How about you and me test out the springs on this bed?”

Edie looked incredibly frustrated.  “Vim…Vigor…you keep an eye on him while I go look for Fanboy Mike.”  The two squirrels nodded in understanding as Edie ran out of the room.

“These ships are huge,” she said as she ran.  “How am I going to find him?”

She searched room after room.  The ship seemed deserted, except for Tommy.  No aliens to be found, not even one.  She was puzzled.

“Where did all the aliens go?  And what did they do with Fanboy Mike?”

Edie continued to wander the halls until she had an idea.  If Fanboy Mike was here and free to move about, then there’s one place he might have gone.  Edie went down to the lower levels, the engine rooms.  Because the engines on these spacecraft were so loud, the engine room was the only one that was soundproofed.  And that would be the perfect place to escape Tommy’s music.

With a kick, Edie knocked in the engine room door.

Fanboy Mike was seated cross legged on the floor, across from an alien, both playing a board game.  The alien stared at her, as if mad that she interrupted their game of Monopoly.  Fanboy got up and ran to give Edie a big hug.  “Edie Van Heelin’?  Boy am I glad to see you!”

“I missed you, Fanboy!” said Edie as they embraced.  “Are you OK?”

Mike continued to hug as he spoke.  “It was awful Edie…the music…his music…it’s so terrible!”  A tear began to well up in his eye.  “Thanks for saving me…that Tommy Lee is such a moron!  He and this alien – the alien’s name is Fillmore, by the way – they grabbed me for a party.  At first I thought it would be cool, I thought we’d be listening to rock music and hanging out with stars.  But instead Tommy started playing that awful techno of his!  So bad that the other aliens all abandoned ship.  Have you heard it?  It’s not good!”

Edie grimaced.  “Oh, I’m afraid I’ve heard it alright!  Now let’s get you to safety.”

The alien spoke.  “Fillmore, at your service.  Fillmore West!”

She nodded towards Fillmore.  “Nice to meet you!” she said to the alien.  “Now let’s hustle, Mike!”

CHAPTER 5

Edie and Fanboy raced back up to the control room, where Vim and Vigor were holding Tommy down on the bed.  Tommy screeched in frustration.

“Come on, furry dudes!  I just wanna jerk off!  That Edie chick gives me a huge boner!”

This time, Edie really did barf.

“Oh come on Tommy,” said Fanboy.  “That’s just gross!”  Edie recovered and added, “Really disgusting, Thomas!”

“Let’s get out of here,” Fanboy said to Edie.  “Leave him here with his…whatever the hell this is.”

“You’re in the Bouncy Castle, dude!” exclaimed Tommy to Fanboy.  Then suddenly he jumped behind his giant boob-drum kit.  “Wanna jam?”

Edie shook her head no, but Fanboy touched her on the shoulder.

“Can we jam with Tommy before we leave?  His techno may suck but I’m still a big Motley Crue fan.”

Edie sighed.  “Fine…but only for you, Fanboy.  Only for you.”  She turned to Tommy at his boob kit.  “Do you know any good music, Tommy?

Tommy’s eyes lit up in glee.  “Yeah dude!  How about some Cream?  Let’s jam ‘White Room’!”

“Finally, something we can agree on,” said Edie.  She grabbed a guitar from the corner of the room, while Fanboy picked up a bass.

“1, 2, 3…” counted in Tommy.

With that, Edie Van Heelin’ began singing.  “In the white room, with black curtains, near the station…”

CHAPTER 6

By the end of the evening, Edie Van Heelin’ had rocked ‘em all.

“Time to go Tommy,” she said as she placed the guitar back on its stand.  “I hope you learned something this time.”

“Yeah dude!” exclaimed Tommy.  “I learned the lyrics to ‘White Room’!  How does it go again?”

Edie and Fanboy each smacked their heads.  The two squirrels placed their paws over their mouths as they laughed at Tommy Lee.

“I better take you home,” said Edie to Fanboy.  “Jen is really worried about you.”  The group of humans and rodents excited the craft through a lower ramp, activated by Fillmore.  “Vim and Vigor, thanks for your help tonight.  Couldn’t have done it without you!”  The two squirrels chattered in glee as they escaped into the night.

“Hey Edie…before we go…” said a bashful Fanboy.

“Yes?” she asked patiently.

“It’s just that, you know…I’m just a big fanboy at heart, you know?  It was fun to jam tonight, and I really appreciate it.  Do you think…could you bring me with you on your next adventure?  I wanna be the Morty to your Rick.”

“Is that a cartoon reference?  Right over my head, Mike,” said a confused Edie.

“It means I wanna be your sidekick, rock star!  The Robin to your Batman!”

Edie got that reference.  Her eyes lit up with glee.

“Of course!  At first I thought you were going to ask something creepy, like Tommy Lee!”  They laughed together at the absurdity of the night they just had.  “You got it,” said Edie.  “Very next adventure.  You can be my sidekick.”

Fanboy’s face glowed with happiness.  “Freakin’ awesome!  I’ve graduated from fanboy to sidekick!”

“I think my team just added a new member!” said Edie.  Welcome aboard, Fanboy!  Now hold tight.  Long way back to Canada!”

With that, Edie Van Heelin’ activated her rocket-heel boots, and jetted into the sky.  Another mission accomplished!

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 10: The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER TEN:  THE CASE OF THE LOST IRON MAIDEN SOCKS

 

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes pulled into the garage of Deke’s Palace having just seen Iron Maiden in Toronto.

“Wicked concert eh pal?” said Deke to his best friend.

“Best concert yet man!” answered Tee Bone Man.

“When Dickinson shot those flamethrowers from his hands in ‘Flight of Icarus’, I did not see that coming,” responded Superdekes.

“And how about those Maiden socks that I bought at the concession stand?” asked Tee Bone. “Best part of the trip in my opinion!”

Deke laughed. “Yeah man! Glad you got them.  Remember that bald guy we met at the concession stands, Aaron?”

“Yeah!  The tall guy from Owen Sound with the deep voice,” recalled Tee Bone.

“He said something about not buying merch from that one vendor, but I don’t know why.  He had the best prices at the concert,” said Deke.  “Must be a Southern Ontario thing.”

Tee Bone nodded in agreement.

The pair began unpacking their bags. Tee Bone found his precious Iron Maiden socks, and held them up to get a good look. Eddie’s eyes gleamed in red thread.  Tee Bone smiled a wide smile. “Best socks ever!” he said to Dekes. Deke shrugged. Whatever made him happy! Tee Bone sat down, removed his shoes and socks, and put on his new Maiden pair. “Ahhhh!” he moaned in comfort as he stretched his feet out in front of him. “So comfortable!”

“It is hard to find good socks in Thunder Bay. Hey, I got an idea,” said Superdekes trying to change the subject. “How about some Scotch on the rocks?”

“That sounds like an excellent idea!” Tee Bone exclaimed in response. And so their night had just begun, for no-one could tie one on like Tee Bone and Superdekes. As usual the evening began with a clink of glasses and ended with two blacked out adult men, passed out in the basement of Deke’s Palace.

 

 


 

Morning.

With a gaping wide yawn, Tee Bone Man awoke from his alcohol induced slumber.  He opened his eyes and looked around him.  There was his best friend Deke on the airchair, sleeping with his glasses still on his face.  Next to him on the end table was an empty bottle of Scotch (the good stuff) and several empty glasses.  Tee Bone blinked and rubbed his eyes trying to get them to focus.  Man, he got hammered last night.

Tee Bone checked to make sure all his limbs were still intact.  Fingers and toes were functional.  As he slowly gained awareness, he realized his feet were cold.  He looked at his bare feet and…bare feet?  Where did his precious Maiden socks go?

He ran over to the armchair.  “Deke!  Deke!” he shook his friend awake.  Deke slowly opened his eyes and focused on his friend.  “What?  What?  Jeez man what is it?”

“My socks are gone!” answered Tee Bone in panicked haste.  “They were on my feet and now they’re not!”

“Easy man, easy.  Just put on the other pair you were wearing yesterday, I’m sure they’re still OK, you didn’t party in that pair.”

“No no!” yelled Tee Bone.  “We have to find my preciouses!” he proclaimed.  “They’re around here somewhere!”

“They’ll turn up!” reasoned Deke.  “We didn’t go anywhere last night.  Now chill.  Let’s make some eggs.”

“No eggs!” yelled Tee Bone,  “Not until we find my precious socks!  No other socks will go on my feet until they are found!”

“You OK buddy?” asked Deke.  “I haven’t seen you this, errr, agitated since before you took your vacation at camp.”

“What vacation?  I didn’t take a vacation I went squirrel hunting,” said Tee Bone to a very confused Deke.  “No time to waste.  Now we’re hunting socks.  Let’s go Deke.  Up up up.”

“Fine!” said Deke as his got out of the armchair with a groan, “We’ll find your damn socks.”

“My precious socks!” corrected Tee Bone.

The pair began an organized search, room by room, starting with the main lounge.  Then the washrooms, kitchen, and garage.

Tee Bone made his way to Deke’s flying motorcycle.  He began inspecting the side compartments.

“Woah buddy, careful there!” cautioned Deke.  “You know I keep some pretty powerful gadgets on my bike.  Careful how you dig.”

Tee Bone ignored him and kept digging.

“Buddy, why are you digging through my bike’s storage compartments anyway?  Your socks are not in there.”

“How do I know you didn’t take them?  How do I know you didn’t hide them here?” mumbled an increasingly unhinged Tee Bone Man as he continued his thorough search of Deke’s bike.

Deke breathed calmly before he spoke.  “Buddy…pal…you know I didn’t take your socks.  If I needed Iron Maiden socks that badly, I’m sure I can buy some on eBay.  Now let’s go check the record shelves.  You know how you sometimes like to throw your socks off when you’re dancing at a party.  Maybe you did that.”

“NO!” shouted Tee Bone.  Deke was surprised to see his friend’s eyes were lit up like the eyes of Eddie himself.  Something was clearly infecting the mind of Tee Bone.  Deke maintained his calm and just analyzed the situation.  He had already been alarmed when Tee Bone kept calling the socks his “precious”.  That was frighteningly too similar to a movie they once saw several years back.  Could the socks be possessing the mind of his friend like that movie he couldn’t remember the name of?  It had some little guys and some regular sized guys and a wizard with a big grey hat.

Deke came up with a strategy.  “OK pal.  No problem.  Let me help you search the garage.”

“Fine” harrumphed Tee Bone Man, now hunched over the bike like a grotesque malformed goblin, picking the bones of a dead animal.

Deke cautiously walked over to his weapons shelf.  He carefully picked up a gun-shaped device and aimed at his friend.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he pulled the trigger.


Evening.

Tee Bone Man awoke once more, but with a raging headache that rivalled every Scotch he ever consumed.  He blinked his eyes open, but his vision was totally blurred.  He could vaguely make out two figures standing over him.

“Sorry I had to stun ya pal,” said the voice of Deke before him.  “It had to be done.  You’re all good now.  It doesn’t feel so good, but you’re gonna be OK.  We found your socks.”

“We?” asked Tee Bone Man.

“Hey bro!” said a new voice from a blurred form coming into view.

“Darr??  Is that you?” asked Tee Bone of his brother.

“Yeah, it’s me man!” answered the handsome young Darr.  “You guys invited me over for some Scotch last night remember?  Boy did you get ripped, man.  You and Deke both!  Especially Deke!  I had to get back home, but I took the initiative to clean up a bit for you before I left.”

Deke continued the story.  “Those Iron Maiden socks you bought?  Cursed, man.  That’s why they were on sale at the one concession stand that had no lineup.  All their items are possessed.  That’s the catch.  That Aaron guy tried to warn us, but we didn’t listen.  Whoops.”

Tee Bone shook his head.  “That’s right, my socks.  I…don’t feel the need for them anymore.  But this morning…all I could think about were my Maiden socks.  They were definitely missing.  I remember that much.  That’s what I don’t understand.  Where did they go?”

Darr picked up the story.  “Laundry, man!  Deke was already completely blacked out.  Don’t you remember?  It was you and me with Deke in the armchair, and you were all like, ‘Hey everybody watch me do this Open Door Piss!’  And you dribbled all over the floor and your socks.  So I took them up to the laundry.”

Tee Bone had no memory of any of this!  “But where are the socks right now, and why am I not crazy for them at the moment?”

Deke smiled.  “Darr came over this morning to check up on us, and he told me where they were.  As soon as I found them in the dryer, I burned them in the fires of Mount Deke.”

Mount Deke was the name of their firepit out back of course, so named because of the unusually large chimney.

“Wow…thanks guys.  What would have happened to me if you didn’t destroy the socks??”

“Well, we’re not sure exactly,” answered Darr.  “Deke had a theory that you might have transformed into a little grey creature, always obsessing over the power the socks had over you.  Forever.”  Deke nodded in somber agreement.

“The lesson here is never buy discount socks!” summed up Deke.

The three laughed together in relieved comradery.  Darr had saved the day and his brother, and maybe Tee Bone would have to write a song, an ode to Darr, for him one day….

The end

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man Chapter 9: Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)

By Harrison Kopp

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER NINE:  CASTLE COMMUNICATIONS

 

Lucifer Satan Diablo Apollyon Morningstar was not a happy chappy. The Lord of Hell not only had to eternally endure the knowledge that his finest warriors were vanquished at the hands of Tee Bone Man, Superdekes and The Snowman, but, having finally recovered their remains, was now faced with the task of reanimating the four melted lumps of flesh in front of him back into something resembling fearsome creatures of destruction.

Progress had been incredibly slow. He had never actually considered that the KISS could be defeated and, on top of that, he kept finding shards of ice, wood and trace amounts of metal sticking out whatever orifices he could locate. It had been a couple months now, and he was still unsuccessful. To say he was frustrated would be to first assume that he had any patience whatsoever to begin with.

To add insult to injury, just recently he had been forced to join forces with Tee Bone Man and Superdekes in order to save heavy metal. But things were about to turn around. During his brief time visiting in rock heaven he had been able to weasel some information out of one of its residents. Information that would help him locate two items of immense power. The power, he had heard, to conquer any land in an instant.

 


Meanwhile, in the land of the living, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were enjoying the latest in a series of peaceful weeks back at Deke’s palace. Things had been quiet since their travails across time saving almost the entirety of heavy metal, and the two friends had found themselves with plenty of free time on their hands.

This time had been spent absorbing the multitude of MP3s they had been left by the musicians of rock heaven. Never in their wildest dreams had they ever imagined they’d hear such unique and amazing combinations of musicians.

And the two men had also curiously found themselves rediscovering albums they had previously been familiar with all their lives. As if new life had been breathed into the songs. “Had that guitar fill always been there?” came one notable instance when the duo had first listened to Led Zeppelin’s “The Rover”. And not to mention the time Tee Bone thought to himself “That sounds like one of Deke’s basslines” while listening to “Iron Man”.

And that was only the tip of the iceberg. The duo were very excited to attend the upcoming Iron Maiden concert in Toronto. They’d both seen the band before, but they were both sure this time was going to be like no other.

In short, our heroes had had a very enjoyable month, free from any infernal entanglements, and at this current moment were listening to the much-appreciated Done With Mirrors.

Then came a sound that was definitely not on the original Done With Mirrors, for it was the sound of the T-Phone. This particular baritone ringtone meant that the call was coming from Harrison “El Moustachio” Holden, the hero of Australia who joined the duo on their battle through Hell to save the world from Satanic earthquakes. Tee Bone, expecting the worst, put the receiver to his ear and answered.

“Hey guys! How’ve you been?”, the Australian’s voice rang out. “Actually, save that for when you get here. I’ve got some great news for you. We’ve got a CD and record fair running here tomorrow. If you’re still looking for that Albert Productions Highway to Hell this’ll probably be your best chance to get it”.

Tee Bone turned to Deke, who was already up and packing.

“We’ll be there. Keep a roo warm for us”

The Australian laughed.

“You’ll have our finest steeds awaiting upon your arrival”

 

24 hours later Tee Bone and Deke were across the world, surrounded by vinyl, facial hair and smiling faces. Their trip was already a smashing success. Not only had they found the Albert Productions Highway to Hell they were after, but they had also found first edition printings of the other Bon Scott albums. Deke was suitably chuffed.

The Australian, meanwhile, had scored an Australian tour edition of Blaze Bayley’s Tenth Dimension album. While he prided himself on his knowledge of the British baritone, he never knew Blaze came down here. But the disc title didn’t lie.

But what Tee Bone had in his hands now was rarer and more interesting than all of those put together. And, as it would turn out, far more dangerous.

“Hey, come take a look at this”, Tee Bone said, holding an album with an image of a demonic flaming skull on it. The other two men came over. The record in question was old- very old- and had no track titles. As Tee Bone handled it in his hands the fire seemed to flicker with the movement of the album cover.

This was no ordinary record, and they knew it. A cold wind blew through the building. Harrison had a bad feeling about this. His moustache senses were tingling.

And for good reason. Out of nowhere, the windows and doors of the building crashed open, as a variety of fiends and parademons poured in. One made a beeline straight for Deke, snatching the demonic record out of his hands and attempting to fly away with it. This plan was foiled, however, by a whistling, razor-sharp moustache-shaped boomerang courtesy of one particular Australian in the room.

Seeing the record fall from the dead demon’s hands, Deke dived forward, catching it in mid-air and landing with a crash behind a display of LPs. Emerging shortly after, demonic record in hand, Deke joined Tee Bone and Harrison in repelling the unwanted guests. While these fiends were far from the threat the KISS were, there was a lot of them and only three of our heroes.

Things were starting to look dire. Tee Bone hadn’t brought his guitar and Deke’s bike and gear were in the parking lot. El Moustachio’s razor-moustache was powerful, but it could only do so much. There was only one option left, but it was a cardinal sin of the highest order for the two music lovers.

The two men looked at each other. Tee Bone nodded grimly. Deke nodded back, grabbing a crate of records, and setting it down between them. Tee Bone started sifting through them.

Technical Ecstasy?”, Tee Bone asked, looking at the first album.

“Toss it”, came Deke’s quick reply.

Pulling the record out, Tee Bone mustered all the super strength he had and hurled the record like a frisbee, cutting the nearest fiend’s head clean off. He immediately turned back to Deke, who had the next album in hand.

Ram it Down?”, Deke asked.

“No objections”, said Tee Bone, already in the process of hurling it at the nearest demon.

Of course, the pair didn’t agree on everything. One album in particular caused a bit of an argument.

“Don’t you dare”, said Tee Bone

“Christ, Tee it’s rubbish”, came Deke’s impatient rebuttal.

“But it’s got Tommy Thayer on it”, Tee Bone insisted.

“On backing vocals”, Deke countered.

“And Tom Allom produced it”, Tee Bone continued.

Running out of patience, Deke snatched it out of the crate and threw it before Tee Bone could object further. It found its mark, lodged in the skull of a now-dead demon. Tee Bone huffily returned to sifting through the records.

And then there was the curious case of Chinese Democracy, which spun furiously as it went, but only moved forward through the air at a snail’s pace.

 

 

Nevertheless, with the added ammunition the tide began to turn, and eventually every one of the denizens of Hell that had entered the building lay in pieces on the floor. All except for one. This particularly crafty parademon had bided its time the entire fight and, while Tee Bone and Deke were distracted with the crate of records, had swooped in, snatched the demonic record and made itself scarce before he could be subject to the business end of an LP.

As the dust settled, Tee Bone looked around for the demonic record before realising what had happened.

“Blast it! One of them got away with the strange record.”

Deke smiled.

“On the contrary” he said, pulling out a red-sleeved LP with a picture of a band on the front. “They only got the demonic record’s sleeve. I switched the LPs when I was down behind the tables after that diving catch”.

Tee Bone’s demeanour changed immediately, as hearty guffaws came out of his mouth.

“You legend you. Oh, Satan’s going to love that” He said, in between laughs and breaths for air.


Satan did not, in fact, love that. The ‘music’ that now pierced his ears elicited a string of expletives so foul that if we translated them from their original Infernal for you, they’d turn this page black and burned.

Ripping the record from his ornate turntable, he turned to the demon in the room with him.

“What about the fiends at the castle?”

The demon did not look enthused at having to answer that question. But he did, with a series of negatory grunts.

Satan swore some more. And then a bit more, just for good measure.

“Throw this piece of crap in the first volcano you find!” He yelled, referring, of course, to the LP in his hands. The demon moved to grab it.

Then Satan had a most diabolical thought.

“Actually, give it to the guys in HR. I think this will make fine listening for the tortured souls I preside over.”

The demon obliged, backing out of the room in a bow so low it was a miracle he got out the door on the first try. Satan then stalked over to the cabinet containing Alexander Graham Bell’s prototype telephone. It had been magically connected to the other circles of Hell, and so he only had to speak into the receiver to connect to his desired recipient.

“Baal!”, he spoke, audibly frustrated.

“Hey Lucy. What’s up?”, came Baal’s reply.

Overlooking the mild vexing he had just received, Satan got straight to business.

“I need to redeem that favour you owe me for getting you out of that mess in Bulgaria.

“Negated by that time I got you out of that spat with that Ed fellow, mate”

“Oh, come on, I had him. Besides you still owe me for that business on Cato Nemoidia as well”

“That doesn’t count, remember? It was overruled by the Devil Council.”

Satan was running out of curses to utter.

“Well, in that case, allow me to owe you one. I need a favour”

“Will have to be two, mate. Your repayment rate’s pretty low, so your exchange rate for favours is two owed for every one gained”

Satan got so mad that his skin colour actually changed saturation slightly.

“Fine”, he growled. “The Knights in Satan’s Service are out of action, and I need some replacements to send on a retrieval mission”

“Oh yes, of course. I can absolutely get you some replacement knights”, Baal jovially responded “They’ll be there within the hour”

Hearing enough, Satan cut the line and began to sulk. He mused to himself that things had better start to go his way. If these inconveniences continued to pile up, he might get mad.

 


Back in Australia, Tee Bone and Deke were helping the attendees of the CD and record fair clean up and patch their wounds while Harrison researched the curious LP in front of him. It had taken a lot of digging, but he finally had something from a source that was at least vaguely credible.

“Hey, sounds like we’ve got something really dangerous on our hands here guys” he said. Listen to this.”

He began to read from his phone.

Despite his military prowess and thirst for conquest, the vampiric Count Infernus faced the problem of transporting his armies as readily as he himself could. To counteract this he forged this record, and a number of medieval record players, using dark magic from realms beyond.”

 Tee Bone and Deke looked at each other. They didn’t remember dropping any blueprints for a turntable in the dark ages during their jaunt through time. Harrison continued.

“The Infernum record, as it has come to be known, is the earliest known LP in existence. It holds the screams of the damned, and by playing the record on one of his players he could instantly summon his armies directly from Hell to wherever he was”

“Infernus placed these record players in his strongholds around the world and took the Infernum record with him wherever he went. His terror reigned supreme, until a gathering of heroes from around the world managed to fell him.”

 “While the majority of Infernus’s record players were also destroyed in the following years, the one in his Romanian stronghold remained unlocated, and the Infernum record has since been lost to time.”

This was not good news. Tee Bone knew exactly why Satan’s demons were here, and he could bet where they were going next. Deke was on exactly the same wavelength.

“Looks like we’re going to Romania” he mused.

“Yep”, Tee Bone confirmed. “But what are we going to do with the Infernum record? It would be foolish to take it with us.”

“I think the safest place for it is in El Moustachio’s hands”, Deke said, nodding to Harrison.

The Australian nodded back and surreptitiously put it in his bag. To anyone in the room it would have seemed like nothing out of the ordinary, and no one would have given it a second glance. But Tee Bone, who was closer, caught a glimpse of the inside of Harrison’s bag. Now he wasn’t completely sure, but he could have sworn he saw some acorns in there.

“I’ll defend it with my life”, El Moustachio avowed.

“Hopefully it won’t come to that” Tee Bone said with a smile, forgetting all about what he had seen. “But we really have to be going now.”

“Of course. Good luck” Harrison replied, with a wave as Deke fired up his motorbike. The two accelerated down the road, before shortly taking flight and disappearing into the atmosphere as Harrison watched on.

With everyone now safe at the CD and record fair, the Australian set off for his house, making sure to double check his bag was still fully zipped up. After all, he didn’t intend to get caught in public with the cover of Bad English sticking out of his bag.

 


If Baal hadn’t already been one of the Lords of the Dead, Satan would have killed him. He’d provided replacement knights for Satan’s service, all right. Actual knights. The four beings that stood before him were mostly just simple men who had found themselves in Hell for their deeds on various Earths. Nothing like the all-powerful humanoids of destruction he had sent to the Snowman’s house.

First there was Nocturn Nuit, the famous French warrior who always struck under the cover of night. Possessing the power of seeing perfectly in the dark, it was quite ironic that he met his end tripping over a raised root and impaling himself on a tree branch.

Then there was the notorious Black Knight. Despite being shaded in a deep purple in his first appearances, this comic-universe villain’s heart as black as the armour he was entirely clad in. A nasty piece of work, it took the combined efforts of the Rainbow Warrior and the White Snake to finally fell him.

Thirdly stood a golden-armoured knight from a dimension of monsters and magic. Or, at least, his armour did. The man’s quest for immortality had resulted in his body fading away as his armour remained together, possessed by a singular will to live on.

And lastly there was Bernard. The poor sod had been mistaken for an intruder and was arrowed to death by his own comrades. And then, to add insult to injury, he’d been mistakenly sent to Hell to pay for crimes he had not even committed.

But Satan did have one secret weapon up his…uh…sleeve. A cavalryman that could lead the sorry bunch before him to victory. At least he’d better lead them to victory, or there’d be Hell to pay.

Satan gave a sharp whistle and the Headless Horseman himself walked through the door, making a pointed effort to stoop for a door beam that he’d clear regardless. Satan, tossing a cage with the man’s head in it to himself, addressed the horse-bound man.

“I need Count Infernus’s record and last surviving record player. Take this pathetic bunch to his castle and get it for me. Succeed and you’ll be one step closer to earning this little thing back”

The Headless Horseman severely doubted that. Satan was fond of “contract extensions” as he liked to put it. But he didn’t really have a choice so, devoid of any other way to indicate assent, he gave Satan a thumbs-up. The Headless Horseman then swiftly turned and led the group out the door, being very sure to make another one-digit gesture towards Satan as he exited.

 


Meanwhile in Romania, Tee Bone and Deke had just landed in the village on the outskirts of Infernum Keep. It was just before midnight now, and Deke hoped they weren’t too late, as they had made a short detour to pick up Tee Bone’s guitar and suit on the way there.

Dismounting the bike, the duo began to make their way through the dilapidated buildings and crooked trees. Every shadow was a deep ebon, and it seemed like every corner could hold a demon. Deke was on edge. Tee Bone kept looking over his shoulder. As they walked, villagers shrank away from them, either in fear or awe.

 

But having passed through the village without incident, our heroes began to climb the hill that led to Count Infernus’s castle. Halfway up a wolf’s howl pierced the silence, and Tee Bone got the feeling they were being watched.

His unease didn’t subside when they reached the castle’s outer gate, finding that it had already been wrenched off its hinges. Tee Bone started to worry. The whole night was alive, but nothing had attacked them yet. He knew something was going to happen sooner or later, but the suspense was killing him.

Tee Bone did not have long to wait though. Mere seconds after the duo had reached the front gate, the sky split open, as eerie purple light bathed the entire world around them. Tee Bone squinted at the chasm in the sky, swearing he could see figures in it.

But they had bigger problems. With the aid of a set of binoculars, Deke had spotted five figures moving towards them at an alarming pace.

“Tee! We’re about to have company!”, he yelled to his left.

Snapping out of his stupor, Tee Bone took the binoculars from Deke and observed four knights and a headless horseman carving a path through the village. There was no doubt what was keeping the villagers indoors now.

“We can’t take them all at once”, Tee Bone flatly stated.

“I agree. We’ll have to lose them in the castle and take them out one by one”, Deke added.

The two men in agreement, they both turned and ran through the grand double doors to Count Infernus’s castle, immediately finding themselves in a large, grand hall.

“I’ll go right, you take left”, Deke said, not taking any time to marvel at their surroundings.

Tee Bone nodded, immediately heeding Deke’s words. Deke himself exited the hall through the second door on the right, finding himself in a stone hallway lacking furnishing. He cautiously continued on into the dim light. After a series of twists and turns he wasn’t sure he had memorised, he found himself in what appeared to be the armoury.

This was the first good news Deke had got since the CD and record fair. Taking a brief moment to consider his options, he selected a fairly lightweight shortsword that fit in well in his hand and continued searching for a good room to make a stand in, or the one that held the ancient record player. He wasn’t too fussed which one it was.

Elsewhere in the castle, Tee Bone was exploring the ornate corridors that made up the second floor. Countless paintings, candles and doors marked the path he had taken to now find himself in the massive castle library. And that wasn’t all he had found. Barely distinguishing itself from the statues around it, the living golden armour silently strode forward and drew its sword.

Deke had also encountered a statue. This one didn’t seem to be moving though. At least, not yet. Deke was also on the second floor now and had found Count Infernus’s personal office. Exquisitely furnished, and full of expensive trinkets, it was a picture of opulence.

But the curious item in the office was the grey statue at the end. Expertly sculpted, there was one thing amiss with it: it’s right hand, the sword hand, was at an odd, unnatural angle, actually breaking up the sculpt. Plus it was missing its sword. Deke knew exactly what this meant so, with no infernal warriors challenging him yet, he began scouring the office for clues.

 

Across the castle Tee Bone was locked in a ferocious battle with the golden armour. Both in possession of superhuman strength, they battered each other’s defences to no avail. But Tee Bone was still fighting a losing battle. His guitar could not survive much longer against the golden knight’s broadsword. He needed a guitar solo to end this quickly. But which one?

Then it hit him. The solo idea, not his opponent’s sword. Jumping backwards, he began to play. Simple, at first, but with each successive string of notes he raised the complexity and the speed. He was, in essence, turning up the heat.

And the armour was feeling it. With every note a flash of lightning shot from Tee Bone’s fingers, striking a point on the armour. And it turns out being comprised entirely of metal plates had its downsides when your opponent was basically casting the heat metal spell.

Mired in place by gloopy, half-melted greaves, The golden armour could only stand and watch helplessly as Tee Bone wound his arm up to strike a massive power cord that sent bits of melted armour splattering all over the walls. The armour was finally no more, but Tee Bone couldn’t rest on his laurels just yet. First, he had to extinguish his fingers, something he achieved shortly after with the liberal application of his powerful lung capacity.

Back in the office Deke had finally found what he was looking for. There were a number of photos on the desk, and the one currently in his hands had an image of some tall vampire lady on it and the words “To remember my visit by. Yours, Alcina”. Ugh. But, crucially, the photo had also been taken in the very room Deke was now in, and it showed the statue with a sword in its hands. What’s more, he had seen that sword before. Back in the armoury.

“Unbelievable”, Deke moaned, trying to remember the route back to the room of weapons.

Tee Bone was not having the best time either. No sooner had he left the library was he challenged by the Black Knight, who jumped down from the third floor, landing with an almighty thud. Tee Bone, tired and in need of a short rest, thought he’d try and stall with some diplomacy.

“C’mon now, you’ve nothing to gain from this. Let’s just save ourselves some trouble”, he said, quickly gathering his strength.

The negotiations were short. The Black Knight didn’t bite.

“Hush! You fool no one. You’re tired and weak. Prepare to face your maker!”, he boomed, drawing a greataxe and advancing on Tee Bone.

“Your funeral”, Tee Bone said, with a shrug. “I might just take your life.”

And he grabbed his guitar, preparing to do exactly that.

Having made it to the armoury without bumping into any knights, Deke went straight to the sword in the picture. It was a notched steel sword with an ebon blade and a cruel, jagged appearance.

Deke picked the sword up, instantly triggering a booby trap that sealed off the door he had used to enter. Fortunately, the architects of the castle had the foresight to engineer multiple ways to get to the weapons room, and Deke quickly found a hidden passage in the floor.

He turned his attention back to the sword in his hand. It was cool to touch, and it seemed like shadows pulsed and ebbed along its surface. There was no doubt that this was the sword he needed.

Wasting no time, he jumped down the trapdoor into the dank cellar. The splash of his landing echoed around the dark room.  He took a few steps forward toward the exit, signified by a light at the end of the tunnel he was in.

While it had initially appeared he was alone, he now knew that was not the case. The light at the end of the tunnel had been partially obscured by the silhouette of a man with a sword. Deke instinctively ducked behind a crate of wine bottles.

“Voux ne pouvez pas te cacher. Je vois tout”, the figure called out.

Emerging from behind the crate, Deke drew his sword and reluctantly engaged Nocturn Nuit.

“En guarde you canard!” he cried.

“Tête de merde”, the French knight muttered under his breath, meeting Deke’s challenge.

The two fought, and Deke immediately noticed a problem: he was not much of a swordsman. Though Deke’s eyes were adjusting to the dim light, the Frenchman knew he still had the advantage and he pressed hard.

But Deke still had his wits about him. Though Nocturn Nuit was anticipating his lunges and ripostes, Deke had something up his sleeve he knew the French knight wouldn’t’ see coming.

Jumping back a few steps, he tossed his sword up to himself, carefully caught the tip of the blade between his fingertips and hurled it dead-straight at Nocturn Nuit’s face. Half a second later the pommel struck the Frenchman straight between the eyes, and he fell to the ground unconscious.

Standing triumphant over his foe, Deke could not resist savouring his victory.

“Night night, night knight”

Chuckling to himself as he ran out of the cellar, he made his way back to the office without further incident, save for a stomach-turning shortcut through the kitchen. With everything he needed at hand, he placed the ebon-bladed sword in the statue’s hand. It settled itself in there like it had always belonged there. He followed this up by turning the statue’s hand back into its natural position. It came to rest with a satisfying click.

This was followed by several other clicks, thunks and grinding sounds that came from inside the statue and the walls of the room. When they had finally finished, an opening in the west side of the room had opened, with Infernus’s last record player sitting on a pedestal inside it.

Deke cautiously approached it. Despite not having not set off any more traps, he was on guard. He reached the pedestal and, keeping an eye on his surroundings, snatched the player and jumped back in one swift move. Nothing happened. Deke waited a few more seconds, and then let out a breath.

But he had no time to waste. The record player needed destroying, and he knew just the perfect way to do it. Hurrying back to the kitchen, he threw the player into a large cauldron of green liquid.

The result was immediate. The liquid inside the cauldron broiled and writhed, hissing as noxious smoke filled the room. The last Deke saw of it as he ran out of the room the contents of the cauldron had now overflowed, setting the room on fire.

 

Back on the second floor, the battle raged on. Tee Bone and the Black Knight were locked in fierce combat. So far Tee Bone had been able to dodge the swings of the knight’s greataxe, but his sonic blasts had been failed to unseat the dark warrior.

But then there was a twist in the tale. An opportunity had just opened up for him. The latest swing of the greataxe found the weapon lodged into one of the statues in the hall and, as the stone leaned on the axe, it was only getting tighter.

Tee Bone took immediate advantage, and fired a sonic blast right into the statue, sending the top half of the Spanish archer crashing down on top of his armoured foe, shattering into pieces as it struck him.

The effect was immediate. The evil knight was sent staggering, with a deep gouge in his chestplate. Wasting no time, Tee Bone followed this up by turning his guitar perpendicular to his body and sending off a fireball right into the Black Knight.

“Burn!”, he yelled triumphantly, as the blast found its mark.

Tee Bone continued his assault, battering the knight with blast after blast, and finally began to wear him down. The dark warrior cried out to his compatriots for help, but no one came. Tee Bone caught a look in the man-demon’s eye that he hadn’t seen yet: fear.

“No no no”, the knight softly spoke.

But it was only for an instant. The Black Knight had found his greataxe among the ruins of the fallen statue and got to his feet. No more than a living wreck by now, he resorted to feral swings in Tee Bone’s general direction.

But these we easy to anticipate, and Tee Bone effortlessly dodged them. This only enraged the Black Knight, who allowed himself to be manoeuvred right next to the railing that overlooked the lower hall.

And it was here that Tee Bone made the difficult decision. This was only ending one way now, and he had to face that fact. It was time to kill. Timing his next sonic blast with the latest swing of the greataxe, he sent the weapon flying skyward. He followed this up with a smashing hit across the Black Knight’s helmet, sending him flying over the railing to his death.

The battle was finally over, but the victory was not without its costs. In his hands Tee Bone now held the neck of his guitar, strings awry, and completely devoid of its head. Weakened by the battle with the golden armour, the final strike against the black knight’s head had shattered the instrument into the countless pieces that now lay at Tee Bone’s feet.

Mournful and fatigued, he tried to take a moment to catch his breath. But this was rudely interrupted by one of the doors behind him being thrown open.

“Now what!?” Tee Bone yelled. Turning to face his next opponent.

But it was only Deke, in a bit of a rush.

“Oh it’s good to see you buddy. What’ve you been up to?”, Tee Bone asked wearily.

“Fought some French knight and found the record player”, he replied between breaths for air.

“And that cloud of green smoke behind you?”, Tee Bone prompted.

“Destroyed the record player, but now there’s a fire in the basement”, Deke continued.

“Then we’re out of here”, Tee Bone confidently stated.

The two heroes turned to the doors in the grand hall that led to the outside world. Or, at least, they would have led there, had the Headless Horseman not been waiting quietly waiting and biding his time in front of them.

“The ramparts then”, Deke quickly said, and the turn men took an about face and headed for the third floor. The Headless Horsemen galloped after them, of course, but Deke was counting on this.

Soon enough, the three men found themselves standing atop the castle’s ramparts. What had once been a castle full of rascals had now been reduced to the elevated trio in question. (Bernard, of course, had wandered off to the village pub half an hour ago).

 

The purple light from earlier had disappeared, along with the crack in the sky that had created it, but in its place the green smoke billowing from the burning castle below them obscured their vision. Well, Tee Bone and Deke’s visions. The Headless Horseman seemed unaffected, charging directly at the two heroes.

Two worn-down and tired heroes who didn’t have the energy or the armaments to take on the speeding cavalryman bearing down on them.

So they did the exact opposite of what anyone expected. They jumped of the edge of the ramparts. Well, perhaps “jumped” isn’t the best word, because moments later Tee Bone was flying away from the burning fortress with Deke in tow holding on to his cape.

And the Headless Horsemen finally realised how he’d been fooled. He spun around to look at the door back to the castle, but it had been completely obscured by the thick smoke all around.

Unable to escape the ramparts without becoming a splattered mess on the ground below, he sat and waited, savouring the brief moments he had spent in the realm of the living before the fires of hell claimed him once more.

Back in the village, Tee Bone let Deke dropped off to recover his bike. He hung in the air for a moment, contemplating.

“What should we do with the Infernum record then?” He asked, thinking of El Moustachio back in Australia.

“Well it’s little more than an old trinket now”, Deke said. “And I think I know just the man who’d appreciate it. But what about your guitar?.”

“Finished”, Tee Bone replied. “I’ll have to do without it for the meantime, while we look for another one.”

And so Deke took a detour on the way back to Thunder Bay, picking up the Infernum record from Australia and dropping it off to a certain Snowman in America. Upon his return to Deke’s Palace, the Scotch flowed liberally as the two friends celebrated their triumph over evil.

And Satan, so thoroughly beaten now, and with no hope of a quick conquest of the Earth, sat and sulked, turning his sights towards other worlds.

 

 

 

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Chapter 8: Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (By 80sMetalMan)

By 80sMetalMan

CHAPTER EIGHT:  TEE BONE & DEKE’S TIME TRAVELLING ADVENTURE

After their much needed vacations, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes returned fresh and ready for their next adventure. However, for five whole days, nothing happened which needed their skills, so they continued to kick back sipping whiskey and listen to great music. While neither of them would actually say so, they were both secretly hoping for another adventure.

Sometime in the afternoon, Superdekes answered the door bell which just happened to be the opening riffs to Rush’s “Limelight,” to a freckled boy who looked about twelve. “At least it wasn’t religious callers,” Superdekes thought to himself. Before he could ask the boy what he wanted, the boy did that for him. “I’m Tee Bone Man’s nephew, Cam. Is my uncle in?”

“Hey, Tee Bone, you have a visitor,” Superdekes called out very loudly. The whiskey might have played a part in that.

Within seconds, Tee Bone Man was at the door. “Oh yes, this is my sister’s son, Cameron or Cam for short.” As he studied his nephew, Tee-Bone Man could tell that something wasn’t right with him. “Come inside,” he ordered.

Once Cam was sat down, made comfortable, given a Twinkie and a glass of coke, Tee-Bone Man began his detective work. “I sense that there is something troubling you so out with it.”

“It’s my music teacher, Mr. Suplee,” Cam began. “He told us that heavy metal wasn’t relevant. That it’s just a genre listened to by a few misfits and weirdos. I told him about you two but he responded that it proved his point about weirdos. When I tried to argue back, he gave me a detention.”

“What for, disagreeing with him?” Tee Bone Man found himself nearly shouting in surprise. “Well, I’ll tell you what. We’re going into your school tomorrow and have a talk with this Mr. Suplee.”

True to their word, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes showed up at Wayne Gretzky Junior High School. Unchallenged, they went into the building and followed Cam’s directions to Mr. Suplee’s room. Mr. Suplee looked all the music teacher, with his bright blue suit and matching bow-tie. He was much shorter and thinner than imagined. Tee Bone Man realised that he could snap this teacher’s neck like a twig but decided to handle things more diplomatically.

“Mr. Suplee, I’m Cameron’s uncle. I’d like to talk to you about something which happened in your music class yesterday.”

The teacher looked at the pair and snarled, “What, he came to you because I said that heavy metal is irrelevant? Well, it is!”

“I’m not going to debate you about that right now, but you gave Cameron a detention for disagreeing with you.”

“No, I gave him a detention for being insolent,” Mr. Suplee spat. Then studying the pair up and down, added, “You must be Tee Bone Man and this must be Superdekes. I heard about your so-called heavy metal exploits. If I had my way, I’d go back in time and kill off all traces of that negative force you call music.”

“What, are you gonna build a time machine or something?” Tee Bone Man sneered.

“Or something,” the teacher returned. “Now, let me alone so I can teach children about proper music.”

Tee Bone Man was now wishing he could test his theory about snapping this fool’s spine. Superdekes could feel the anger building up in his friend, so he beckoned, “There is no point talking to this guy, let’s go.” With that, the two of them walked away but when they were far enough, Tee Bone Man pronounced, “What an asshole.” The teacher might not have heard it but those in the vicinity certainly did.

Thoughts about what an asshole Mr. Suplee was stayed on their minds as Tee Bone Man and Superdekes arrived back at their lair. “I need a whiskey,” Tee Bone Man decided. “I’ll make the whiskey, you go put on an album. Make it Black Sabbath, Paranoid.

With that, he headed for the kitchen. Taking out two large glasses, he filled them almost half-way with Jack Daniels. “We definitely need a strong one,” he said aloud. He filled the remainder of both glasses with water and was about to take the drinks to the living room when Superdekes came into the kitchen looking white as a ghost. “Our records and CDs, they’re all gone,” he stammered through his shock.

“What? You’re kidding!” Tee Bone Man exclaimed in amazement. Without further hesitation, he sped over to where the music collection was kept. The empty shelves confirmed what Superdekes had told him.

From behind, Superdekes questioned, “Could we have been robbed?”

“Impossible,” Tee Bone Man responded sternly, snapping his friend out of his shock. “No one can get into this lair, it’s impregnable.”

“Then what?”

Tee Bone Man scratched his head in deep thought for a moment. Superdekes watched as his friend’s expression suddenly changed. “Holy shit!” Tee Bone Man bellowed. “I think that Suplee asshole might have actually built a time machine and made good on his threat to wipe heavy metal from existence.”

“Oh God!” was all Superdekes could say.

“That can be the only answer,” Tee Bone Man affirmed and then ordered, “Get on the computer, we need to find out.”

Superdekes needed no further prompting as he went straight to the computer and switched it on. The minute it took for the computer to get up and running seemed like an hour but when it was ready, so was Superdekes.

“Do a Google search for Black Sabbath,” Tee Bone Man instructed.

The first hit on the search revealed the answer. According to Wikipedia, Black Sabbath was in the process of recording their first album when one morning, all four band members were found dead of a suspected drugs overdose. That’s what the police report said but the police probably didn’t seemed to bothered because Black Sabbath were considered a bunch of hippy druggies. “They were probably poisoned,” Superdekes indicated.

“Try Led Zeppelin next,” was Tee Bone Man’s next instruction, his anxiety levels rising sharply. Superdekes obeyed. Only this time, the Wikipedia article stated that the band was killed in a fireball explosion at Olympic Studios whilst recording their debut album. Further searches were conducted. Aerosmith was gunned down while playing at a bar in Massachusetts. Rush was killed when the brakes on their van failed causing to go off the road and down a mountain. Deep Purple were killed in a freak fire at their hotel. Alice Cooper was mysteriously shot but there was no mention of KISS. However, when Superdekes entered the real names of the members of KISS, they found that Paul Stanley was run over by a bus, Gene Simmons was killed in a car crash and Ace Frehley allegedly jumped from a 15th story window. However, there was no mention of Peter Criss. What all of the deaths had in common was that they all occurred when the band in question was making or going to make their debut albums.

Their fears had been confirmed. Mr. Suplee had gone back in time and wiped heavy metal from the existence of history. In fact, when Superdekes put heavy metal in a search engine, all that came up was a list of metals.

“We’re going have to find this time machine and go back in time and change history back,” Tee Bone Man stated once his anger was reduced enough.

As Superdekes nodded in agreement, a somewhat familiar voice called out from seemingly out of nowhere, “You won’t need a time machine.  We can help.”

Turning around, they discovered that the voice belonged to none other than Ronnie James Dio and standing there with him was Lemmy, Jeff Hanneman and John Bonham.

It took a minute or two for the heroes to focus but when they finally managed to do so, Tee Bone Man asked, “Are you all real?”

“We’re not of flesh and bone,” Dio explained. “We are spirits. We have come down from Rock and Roll Heaven to aid you.”

“What, a rock and roll heaven?” Superdekes queried in surprise.

“Yes, there is a rock heaven, “John Bonham answered. “I thought you would have guessed it. That was what that 1974 song by the Righteous Brothers was all about.”

As both were taking in this information, Lemmy carried on, “We don’t have time to talk about this now. We need to be getting on so the two of you can save rock history. Satan himself came to me and told me about this man who has travelled back in time to destroy rock history by killing off all the influential bands. You must go back in time and stop him. Now, he may not be acting alone so you must be vigilant.”

“How did Satan get into Rock and Roll Heaven?” Superdekes suddenly asked.

“He’s allowed in when the situation calls for it,” Dio answered, “And right now, the situation calls for it. As for God, he won’t get directly involved but Satan knows hat he has God’s behind the scenes positive nod.”

“And to answer your big question, we all get to make music with Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and any other dead musician you can name,” Lemmy piped in.

“I did sing a nice duet with Janis Joplin,” Dio smirked.

“And I got to play guitar with Lynyrd Skynyrd on “Freebird,” Jeff Hanneman added.

Getting back to the task, Tee Bone Man then asked, “One question, how can we go back in time without a time machine.”

Ronnie James Dio informed, “You must go to Stroud in England. There, you must seek out The Metalman. He’s the greatest rock historian of all time, he will help you. You must succeed, I’ve seen my alternative life and I ended up writing children’s songs.”

“And I ended up working in a fucking factory,” Lemmy spewed in disgust.

Jeff Hanneman suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out a guitar pick, handing it to Tee Bone Man. “Take this,” he stated plainly. “You will know what to do with it when the time comes.”

Before another question could be asked, the four personages disappeared. As Tee Bone Man was getting over the shock of the experience asking, “Wow, did that just happen?” Superdekes was already looking up The Metalman on the computer. The search didn’t reveal his actual name, but that wasn’t important. Besides, reading his history, Superdekes could see why the Metalman would want to remain anonymous. He was born in the US, growing up in New Jersey but in 1986, was forced to flee to Britain after an attempt on his life. While it couldn’t be proven, it was certain that it was an assassination attempt. Most likely by the PMRC and quite possibly sanctioned by Tipper Gore herself.

Meanwhile, Tee Bone Man stocked up on guns, ammo, explosives and other necessities for the mission to save metal. When all was gathered and loaded, Superdekes revved up his motorcycle and Tee-Bone Man took to the air and within moments, had sped across the Atlantic and were landing on Minchinhampton Common in Gloucestershire, England.

Tee Bone Man jumped onto the back of the bike and Superdekes headed off. The ride took them through some beautiful scenery of rural Gloucestershire but what was supposed to be a five minute ride took double the time. They were twice delayed, first by the cows grazing nearby who decided to cross the road in front of them. The second time, they had to wait for a truck to pull into a lane which was never meant for a vehicle that size. At least they got to see some of the countryside. But in spite of the delays, they arrived, Superdekes parking his bike across the road from the Metalman’s house.

While the area around might have been scenic, the house was located in the middle of a council estate. Several front gardens were in a good need of a mowing and one had car parts strewn all around.  The pair noted that the Metalman’s home looked much better in comparison as they walked up to the front door.

Their knock was answered by a bald, spectacled man who looked to be in his mid-fifties and sported a greying beard. Observing the pair he stated, “You must be Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes, I’ve been expecting you.”

Tee Bone Man and Superdekes accepted the invitation to come in and followed their host into the living room. The host offered refreshments but the pair politely declined, Tee Bone Man stating the urgency of getting down to business. Once seated, Tee Bone Man inquired, “You say you were expecting us, did the spirits of Ronnie James Dio, Lemmy, Jeff Hanneman and John Bonham visit you too?”

“That’s who visited you?” The Metalman asked with slight surprise. “No, I was visited by Ronnie Van Zant, Randy Rhoads, Cliff Burton and A.J. Pero. They told me you would be coming and that I should do everything I can to help you. I too know about the someone going back in time and erasing heavy metal from music history, killing off all the founding fathers and main influences of metal. So, I will give you any assistance you need.”

“They’re killing ’em all!” Superdekes exclaimed.

“They’ve got a lot of them, but not all of them,” the Metalman affirmed. “One reason why our knowledge of metal history hasn’t been fully erased is because they didn’t get this one.  Metalman went over to a cupboard and pulled out a record album, handing it to Tee Bone Man. The album he held was Hair of the Dog by Scottish rockers, Nazareth.

“What’s so special about this album, except that it totally kicks ass?” Tee Bone Man asked.

“Ronnie Van Zant told me that when they got together up in Rock Heaven to create heavy metal, this album was used as a blueprint,” The Metalman explained. “Most people don’t realize that.”

It took several seconds for the heroes to digest this information and then Tee Bone Man asked, “Do you know where we can get a time machine?”

“Won’t need one,” The Metalman returned. He slipped out of the living room and a minute later holding a guitar. “Randy Rhoads gave me this and said that you would have the pick to use it. He said that if you hit three particular chords and hold them for exactly the right amount of seconds, you will travel to a designated time and place.”

It suddenly clicked as to why Jeff Hanneman had given them the guitar pick. They needed to use both in order to time travel.

“Let’s try it!” Tee Bone Man suggested over-enthusiastically, eager to get on with the mission.

The Metalman pulled out a sheet of paper. “This list the chords you need and length of time you need to hold it in order to time travel. Let’s save Black Sabbath first,” he suggested. Looking at the paper he dictated, “Hit chord B for exactly 7.2 seconds, G for 5.7 seconds and finally D for 2.4 seconds and that will take you to London in 1969.”

Taking the pick, Tee-Bone Man struck the chords as Superdekes looked at his stopwatch. At exactly, 7.2 seconds, Tee-Bone Man changed chords and changed again when Superdekes gave the signal. Suddenly, The Metalman’s living room disappeared and the pair found themselves standing on a city street. A red double-decker bus going past told them they were in London and judging from the Ford Cortina which followed it and two young ladies in bright yellow mini-skirts, who happened to pass by, they guessed they were in 1969. A look at the date on a newspaper in a nearby shop confirmed they were indeed the in the correct time.

If it wasn’t for the urgency of the mission, the heroes would have taken in the sights of where and when they were as they walked the few streets to Regent Sound where Black Sabbath were recording their first album. They boldly strode through the front door and went right to the receptionist behind the desk where, Tee Bone Man confidently declared, “We’re here to see Black Sabbath.”

Unimpressed by his bravado, the pretty young lady replied in a strong Cockney accent, “They’re recording at the moment. You can’t wait here, you’ll have to wait outside.”

Tee Bone Man gave a quick, “okay,” then he and Superdekes left the studio. They tried to be inconspicuous as they waited for Black Sabbath to come out. However, they had to wait several hours, till it was nearly dusk, taking it in turns to buy fish and chips and take care of other necessities. Finally, the unmistakable voice of Ozzy Osbourne preceded him and the rest of the band out of front door. Resisting the temptation to go up and greet the band whom they beheld as gods, they watched them get into a taxi and head off.

“I’ll follow the taxi by flying overhead, you get another cab and try to follow. If you lose them, I will radio the address,” Tee Bone Man commanded.

At that moment, Superdekes wished he had brought his motorcycle back in time as it took him ten minutes to find a cab. Meanwhile, Tee Bone Man flew undetected above the cab Black Sabbath was riding in as it drove through Central London. A few minutes later, when the taxi stopped and the band got out, he landed about 20 yards away. Observing the area, he noted that the street was full of shops and that they must have lived in a flat above one of them.

Just then, a figure appeared out of the darkening evening. He was holding a bag. Tee Bone Man stealthily drew closer for a better look. “I know you guys, you’re Black Sabbath,” the figure’s male voice stated.

“Um, yeah, we are, you’ve heard of us?” Ozzy mumbled.

“Oh yeah, I’ve heard of you. Hey, I go some beer and marijuana. I thought maybe we could party,” the figure said invitingly.

“Um, yeah, that would be cool.”

Inching closer, Tee Bone Man was able to get a better look at this would-be fan. There was something not right about him. It wasn’t the teacher but most likely one of his minions. Putting his radio wrist watch to his lips, he whispered into the speaker, “Superdekes, we’re on Betterton Street, get here fast.” Emerging from the shadows, he approached Black Sabbath and this would-be fan. “How do you know Black Sabbath?” Tee Bone Man challenged.

“I saw them in a pub in London,” the fan answered.

“Oh really, which one?”

“Oh, I don’t remember the name,” the fan confessed.

Turning to the band, Tee Bone Man warned, “He’s not a fan, he’s been sent here to poison you.”

“What? That’s absurd!” the fan screamed.  “Why would I want to harm Black Sabbath?”

“Because you know that their music will be a standard for many generations of fans. You’re here to stop them.”

“Ha!”

The headlights of the approaching taxi distracted everyone who was standing in the street. The all watched the lone figure get out, throw some cash at the driver and head towards them. Tee Bone Man knew who it was right away. “Superdekes, we need your test kit.”

“Oh, this is bullshit!” cried the fan. With that he suddenly pulled a knife and lunged at Tee Bone Man. Expecting this, Tee Bone Man dodged the lunge and whipped out a lariat and before the fan could make another move, he was on the ground tied up by the rope. Both Tee Bone Man and the subdued fan were distracted by the opening of a beer can. Both strained their necks to see Superdekes putting a test stick into it and pulling it out a few seconds later. A minute later, which seemed much longer, Superdekes shook his head, “It’s poisoned.”

“Why would anyone want to poison us?” Tony Iommi suddenly questioned.

“Because you are going to be a huge influence in a new genre of music called heavy metal,” Tee Bone Man explained. “Your music is going to inspire millions.”

“Millions?” Ozzy slurred.

As Tee Bone Man nodded, Superdekes asked, “What do we do with him?”

“We’ll take him back with us. We will destroy his time travel device and keep him locked up in our lair until we save all of the rock artists. He then motioned to his friend who reached into his ruck sack which held a lot more than one would have thought possible and bulled out a bag. “There you go,” Tee Bone Man said to the band. “In this bag is a bottle of whisky, a bottle of vodka, 12 cans of beer and some extra stuff. Now go and party and make a great album. I can’t wait to hear it.”

“Neither can we,” Geezer Butler joked.

The band watched as the pair pulled up their prisoner, then Tee Bone Man struck the appropriate chords for the appropriate length of time and then suddenly all of them disappeared. They didn’t hear Ozzy remark, “Wow, did that just happen man?”

Back at their lair, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes put the captive into a small room underneath the main lair. After a search, they found the captive’s time travel device, a small coin-like object on a chain around the man’s neck. As he locked it away, Superdekes stated, “Interesting device, I would like to study it.”

“We have no time for that now, we have more bands to save,” Tee Bone Man declared. Seeing Superdeke’s puzzled look, he explained further. “Here, look at this video feed from one of our security cameras at Deke’s Palace.  The one in the record room.  See?  We’ve saved Black Sabbath and all of their albums are back in our collection but none of the others are there. It looks like we will have to save each band individually.”

“Great job saving Black Sabbath,” the Metalman congratulated as he let Tee Bone Man and Superdekes into his house. “But I’m afraid you’re right, you’re going to have to save each band one by one.”

“Is there any way we can take the motorcycle back in time with us?” Superdekes inquired.

“Oh sure, just be sitting on it when you hit the guitar chords.”

“Who should we save next?” Tee-Bone Man asked enthusiastically.

The Metalman advised, “From my calculations, it would be best to save Aerosmith next.”

“Then it’s off to save Aerosmith!”

With both heroes sitting on the bike. Tee Bone Man struck the A chord for exactly 2.3 seconds, and when Superdekes said, “change,” the E chord for 4.5 seconds and then the D chord for 0.25 seconds. With a flash, they disappeared back in time to 1969 in Massachusetts.

It only took a matter of seconds for the motorcycle to get to the White House Bar where Aerosmith would be playing that night. The bar was your typical American roadside bar. The pair thought nothing of it as Superdekes parked his motorcycle and they went inside.

“We could never get into a bar for a dollar in our time, “Tee Bone Man stated amused as they paid the cover charge and went inside. They ordered their beers and found a table near the stage. Initial observations revealed no one suspicious. However, their ears did prick up at a conversation at the next table.

“This band, Aerosmith, I hear they’re really good.”

“Oh, are you in for a surprise,” Tee Bone Man amusingly thought to himself as he and Superdekes scanned the bar-room  Nearly fifteen minutes before Aerosmith was due to go on stage, there seemed to be no one who looked as if they were about to pull out a gun and shoot up the bar. Furthermore, there was no sound from Superdeke’s small, portable metal detector.

“God, I can remember them looking so young,” Tee Bone Man whispered to himself as the band took the stage. The pair recognised the opening number straight away. It was “Make It,” which was the opening song from what was going to be their debut album. It sounded raw but good, the band’s hunger was plain to hear. However, as much as they would have loved to soak up the experience of a youthful Aerosmith, they knew they had a job to do.

Suddenly, Superdeke’s metal detector began to beep. The pair followed the signal which increased as they neared a lone figure standing at the back of the small dance floor. “He’s about to let loose on everyone!” Superdekes exclaimed as the figure, who they could now tell was male, reached inside his coat.

Tee Bone Man let out a scream, “Get down!” as reached into his shirt pocket and it one motion tossed a smoke grenade at the figure’s feet. The sound of the explosion and the billowing smoke stunned not only the potential gunman but everyone else in the bar. Women started screaming and Aerosmith stopped playing. Then, those nearby heard a loud clank as the shock forced the gunman to drop his weapon. Tee Bone Man sprung into action, leaping across the room and executing a cross body pin which would have made Shawn Michaels proud. With the would be assassin pinned, Tee Bone Man rolled him over onto his front and slapped handcuffs on him.

The bar’s bouncers arrived on the scene straight after. “What’s happening?” one of them demanded to know.

Superdekes pointed at the Uzi on the floor, “This man was going to shoot up the bar.”

The bouncer looked at the gun. “I’ve never seen a gun like that before and I’ve just come back from ‘Nam.”

“It’s a new gun, Israeli made,” Superdekes explained.

“We’ll call the police,” another bouncer stated.

“No need,” Superdekes responded pulling out a wallet displaying a badge with an ID. “We’re FBI, we’ve been after this guy for awhile.”

As Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes were about to lead their captive away, they were sidetracked by a familiar sounding voice. “Was he going to kill us?”

Turning around, they saw the voice belonged to Steve Tyler with the rest of the band standing behind him. “Yeah, but we got him first,” Tee Bone Man answered.

“Well thanks,” Steve said graciously.

“Yeah, thanks dudes,” Joe Perry chimed in.

“Hey no need to thank us,” Tee Bone Man responded humbly. Just go out and be the great band I know your are. I think you’re going to go places.” With that, the heroes took the prisoner out of the bar and getting to Superdeke’s motorcycle, went back to the future.

The next few saves weren’t as exciting, but just as crucial to history. Tee Bone Man’s lariat subdued the would be cutter of the brakes on Rush’s van. Another smoke grenade saved Alice Cooper from being shot. They caught a woman who was going to tamper with the wiring in order to start a fire at the hotel Deep Purple was staying at. “Nice idea trying to use a woman to do that,” Tee Bone Man chortled when they caught her. As for KISS, all they had to do was make sure Paul, Gene and Ace weren’t anywhere near their places of death at the time. All in all, they had major successes but there was still one band to save:  Led Zeppelin.

“I have a hunch we’re gonna need take more ammo and supplies with us,” Tee-Bone Man stated as he climbed onto the back of Superdeke’s motorcycle.

“I’m way ahead of you,” Superdekes laughed. “I’ve packed everything in here but the kitchen sink.”

After striking the appropriate chords for the appropriate length of time, the heroes found themselves cruising through the streets of Barnet in North London in the year 1968. A couple of minutes later, Superdekes was parking his motorcycle outside of Olympic Studios.

Like they did with Black Sabbath, the duo strode through the door and bluntly inquired, “Is Led Zeppelin here?”

“Who?” the young lady behind the desk inquired. “Oh, that’s that new band. They just changed their name from The New Yardbirds. Yes, they’re in the studio recording at the moment.”

“Has anyone else come in? I mean not to do with any of the artists or the studio?”

Looking perplexed, the receptionist answered, “No, why do you ask?”

Flipping out his wallet, which revealed another ID and badge, Superdekes responded, “We’re with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. We’re on assignment with Scotland Yard and we have intelligence that a bomb has been planted in the studio. We need everyone to evacuate the building.”

Seeing that the receptionist’s surprise made her momentarily freeze, Tee Bone Man went over to the opposite wall and pulled the fire alarm. The loud ringing sparked the receptionist into action. She sprang from her chair, opened the door behind her and shouted, “Fire!”

People began filing out of the building a second later. They took little notice of the two men waving them through the door. The faces of the people were unfamiliar to until the last of the stragglers went past. It took all the discipline they could muster to resist the temptation of going up and talking to Led Zeppelin. It helped that as he walked past, they heard Jimmy Page moan, “I had just perfected that guitar solo.”

Once the building was clear, Superdekes took out his bomb detection kit and started the search. They weren’t surprised that the ground floor office revealed nothing. As they were ready to head to the studio room where Led Zeppelin was recording, a nagging feeling came over Tee Bone Man. “Hold up,” he ordered taking his laser gun out of the holster and setting it to ‘stun.’

The door opened with a loud bang and a huge flash of light stunning both heroes, which allowed three minions to rush through the door. Unfortunately for them, they rushed in too fast ant the flash momentarily distracted them as well. Tee Bone Man quickly recovered and fired his laser at one of them. It was a direct hit and the target  went down immediately. Then in true Western fashion, he quickly let off another shot with the same result on the second target. Meanwhile, Superdekes recovered and took out the third minion with a tranquilliser dart to the neck.

However, more minions came rushing through the door with guns blazing.  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were forced to take cover behind a desk. They realized they were pinned down as the hail of bullets kept flying overhead. Tee Bone Man reached into his shirt pocket and took out a trusty smoke grenade. Hurling it hook shot style over the desk, it landed right in front of the shooters. The puff of smoke and loud noise gave the heroes the distraction they needed. Superdekes pressed a button on one of his many gadgets and from seemingly out of nowhere, a net appeared above four minions and came down enveloping them. At the same time, Tee Bone Man continued his wild west antics shooting two with his laser and subduing a third with his lariat. With all the minions incapacitated, Superdekes said with a great degree of urgency, “We have to find that bomb.”

“Not so fast,” chided a new voice. “You have to go through me now.”

The man standing before them was none other than the metal hating music teacher, Mr. Suplee. “We will stop you and save heavy metal,” Tee Bone Man barked defiantly.

“That’s what you think,” Mr. Suplee responded with a sinister laugh.

The teacher held out what looked like a book and with a flash of light, which momentarily blinded the heroes, the book started blasting out the most UN-rock music in rapid succession, pounding the pair’s eardrums. Although they covered their ears, it could drown out the cacophony of trendy pop music from the decades. Music from Duran Duran, Donny Osmond, Madonna and the Spice Girls, plus many more was beating them down. Either their heads were going to explode or they would be driven to the brink of insanity.

Then all of a sudden, they heard a loud pop and after what sounded like a crash, the pulverising music suddenly stopped. Looking up, they saw the Metalman holding a odd looking pistol with a wide barrel. “Quickly,” The Metalman commanded, “I managed to disarm him with a blast of rock salt but you need to finish the job. Take your guitar and strike the chords A,C,D,C in that order, holding each note for 4.3 seconds. That will render his device powerless.”

Tee-Bone Man grabbed his guitar and began striking the chords. At the same time, Mr. Suplee picked up his device and tried to re-activate it but another rock salt blast from the Metalman’s pistol disarmed him once again. With each chord Tee-Bone Man struck, the device’s power lessened and after the final C chord, became totally powerless. With his trusty gadgets, Superdekes produced another net which came down and trapped their foe.

“But how did you know, Metalman?” Tee-Bone Man asked.

“After you saved Alice Cooper, Jimi Hendrix, Bon Scott and Malcolm Young appeared to me and said that the ringleader would be here and have this powerful device. It was given to him by Jimmy Swaggart who told him it was God’s plan for him to wipe out rock music. They told me how to stop him.”

As Tee Bone Man and Superdekes was taking all this in, the Metalman walked over to where the now powerless device lay on the floor and picked it up. Handing it to Tee Bone Man, they all saw that it was now merely a Bible.

“What, you’re the Metalman?” Mr. Suplee asked shocked. “Jimmy Swaggart swore he had you killed.

“He tried, or should I say his assassins did,” the Metalman returned. “But they missed and I fled to another country and all this time I thought it was Tipper Gore who ordered the hit.”

“Swaggart had her blessing,” Mr. Suplee informed.

“I found the bomb,” Superdekes interrupted.

Tee Bone Man followed Superdekes as he concentrated on his tracking device. It only took a minute for him to find the bomb underneath the mixing table where Led Zeppelin was recording. Fortunately, the device wasn’t too complicated and Superdekes was able to disarm it straight away.

When Tee Bone Man stuck his head out of the front door of the studio to say, “All clear,” the police on the scene were the first to enter. Many a police officer’s jaw nearly hit the floor when the saw the bullet holes and broken glass and furniture as well as the subdued bombers.

Superdekes once again flashed his badge, announcing, “Royal Canadian Mounted Police, we’re here in cooperation with Scotland Yard. We’re here for this man,” pointing to Mr. Suplee, “But you can have the others.”

Dumbfounded, the sergeant merely nodded. Taking their prisoner with them. Tee Bone Man, Superdekes and the Metalman stepped outside to a thunderous applause. A few of the younger women ran over to them and gave each of them hugs. When that was done, the three went over to Led Zeppelin and asked, “Can we have your autographs?”

“What, our autographs? We’re just recording our first album,” Robert Plant wondered.

“Oh, I think your group is going to be big one day, maybe even legends,” Tee Bone Man quipped.

“Hey why not? I mean, they just saved our lives,” John Paul Jones added.

Each member of the band signed autographs for the three heroes. When they got to Superdeke’s motorcycle, the Metalman informed them, “I’m afraid this is where we part ways.”

“So it is,” Tee Bone Man agreed. “Thanks for your help, I don’t know how much more of that torture we could have withstood.”

“No problem, after all, you have just saved rock history,” the Metalman told them.

With that, they all shook hands and the Metalman disappeared. Then Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, with their prisoner, returned to their time and place.

As they entered their lair, they spied two shadows lurking inside and drew their weapons as a precaution. “Hey, put down your guns, we’re here to congratulate you,” a somewhat familiar sounding voice stated.

The pair knew Satan’s voice straight away from their previous adventures. It was confirmed when Superdekes flicked the lights on and standing with Satan was none other than Elvis.

“We’ll take your prisoner and his minions from your cells,” Satan said with authority.

“What do you have in mind for them?” Tee Bone Man queried.

“We’re taking them to Rock Heaven,” Satan responded.” What better punishment for these people than to spend eternity listening to the very music they tried to destroy.”

“Serves them right,” Tee Bone Man smirked.

“I still can’t believe they let you into Rock Heaven,” Superdekes stated in an amused tone.

“Oh, we allow Satan to come in when he’s needed,” Elvis explained. “And every third weekend of the month for a jam.  God almost never visits himself but once in awhile, Jesus and Mohammed stop in every now and then to jam with us. I’ll tell you one thing, both of them are fed up with humankind twisting their teachings in order to denounce music.”

“We better get these guys to Rock Heaven,” Satan said with a sense of urgency.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Turning to the two heroes, Elvis said his famous, “Thank you very much. By the way, there is a special reward for you guys by your music equipment.” With that, Satan and Elvis disappeared with their prisoners.

When they were gone, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes rushed over to where their music equipment was and what they saw totally astounded them. On the table were dozens of MP3s and a note which read, “For your ears only.” Accompanying each MP3 was a track listing which featured songs from just about every deceased singer or musician possible. One MP3 alone had just about every singer singing a duet with The King. Tee Bone Man especially wanted to hear Elvis singing with Lemmy. There was the Ronnie James Dio/Janis Joplin duet but Ronnie also got his friends from the Sabbath/Purple/Rainbow tree and formed a band. It had Cozy Powell on drums, Jimmy Bain on bass, Jon Lord on keyboards and for the guitar, they got Criss Oliva of Savatage fame.

There were further combinations like Jill Janus, Jeff Hanneman, Cliff Burton and Razzle and another one with Mike Howe, Randy Rhoads, Cliff Burton and AJ Pero. Like with Elvis, a lot of people got Jimi Hendrix to play guitar on their songs but Jimi got with Phil Lynott and recorded some cool songs as well.

The combinations were limitless, and as they put the first MP3 on and poured themselves some whiskeys, they knew they had some great music to enjoy for a very long time.