Fiction

Takeover of Rock Heaven (Part 1) – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (By 80sMetalMan)

Takeover of Rock Heaven

Part 1: The Plan

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By 80sMetalMan

 

Somewhere in Hell:

Satan walked into the room waiting to address the assembled gathering, when he was distracted by a commotion. His security was  holding back Adolph Hitler and Saddam Hussein, who were demanding to be let into the meeting. Calmly, he walked over to where the commotion was coming from. “Look,” he said sternly, “I said clearly that you two aren’t coming in here.”

“You need us,” Hitler argued.

“No we don’t ,” Satan returned. “This isn’t a military operation, otherwise Julius Caesar would be here. Even it if it was I still wouldn’t have you two in here. You both demonstrated your military incompetence while you were on Earth.”

“But you have Vlad the Impaler here,” Hitler protested.

“He’s here for a different reason,” Satan explained. “Besides, if we have to kill any prisoners, we have your man Werner Poetsche. Now go before I go back to shoving pineapples up both your asses. “

With that, Hitler and Saddam were marched away and the door was closed. Satan let out an exasperated sigh before sitting at the head of the long table. As he sat down, Vlad questioned, “Why is he here?” pointing to Dave Holland.

“Because I should be in Rock Heaven,” Dave snarled back. “I’m only in Hell because of a bollocks conviction. Fucking Elvis used that to not allow me in, damn him.”

“Enough!” Satan boomed, his thunderous voice shaking the room. It achieved its goal in silencing all. “Mr. Holland is here at my request. He will help us in rounding up all the key members of Rock Heaven and he can get some revenge.”

That’s right,” Dave affirmed. “They’re all a bunch of assholes. They wouldn’t let me in but I bet when that woman beater Tony Iommi dies , they’ll let him in.”

Satan sighed again. “They probably will. Some religions look favourably on men hitting women. That’s another reason why I plan to take over and have summoned all of you here. There should be no Rock Heaven, most of those rock stars should be with us here in Hell. You are all going to help plan my takeover. I have had a mole there since 2003 and he’s been feeding me information whenever he can.”

“A mole, that’s a brilliant idea!” Al Capone complented. “Who is he?”

“You’d be very surprised,” was Satan’s reply. “My mole did get me into Rock Heaven when some mortal went back in time to try to wipe out heavy metal. So, now it’s the perfect time to act.”

“Couldn’t we take our legions and just storm the place?” Vlad suggested.

“It’s not that simple,” Satan explained. “The other side has a fail safe. If we simply invade, we risk all out war with Heaven, I mean the real Heaven. We don’t need that, so we have to be more cunning.”

“Is that why Julius isn’t here?” Caligula inquired.

“Exacty why!” Satan affirmed. “And why we can’t risk an all out war with Heaven. The last time that happened, Heaven’s forces were commanded by George S. Patton who studied Caesar’s strategies and thwarted him at every turn. We got our asses kicked.”

“So tell me exactly how we are going to take over Rock Heaven?” Charles Manson probed.

“Yeah, you know once we act, those two Canadian super-heroes and their companions will try to stop you,” Dave Holland pointed out.

“I know,” Satan conceded. “But I have a plan. Those two super-heroes will be on a wild goose chase and while they’re distracted elsewhere, we will make our move. Besides, once we take over Rock Heaven, I think the town of Thunder Bay will thank us. They’re not happy with those super-heroes or the musicians in Rock Heaven for putting on that concert which nearly destroyed their town.”

Somewhere in Rock Heaven:

Martin Suplee’s head was pounding once again. He hoped he might have had a reprieve this time around. After all, Rory Gallagher and Jeff Beck were more blues guitarists, likewise with Dusty Hill on bass. Even with Razzle on drums, he thought it might not have been the metal he was constantly being bombarded with. However, he couldn’t have been more wrong. They turned up the amp and blasted him with power chords and blistering guitar solos. His head was throbbing by the time the session finished.

The throbbing began to ease as he was escorted back to his cell. In one way, he was lucky. Most of the time, he was subjected to sessions involving Lemmy, Jeff Hannemann and Cliff Burton. Those sessions left him with the feeling his head was going to explode in scanners fashion. “I guess I should be grateful,” he thought to himself as he entered his cell.

He needed no force to go into the cell, it gave him respite from the constant jamming of decesased musicians from the genre he tried to erase from history. Had it not been for this time alone, he would have gone mad ages ago. Several of his hench-persons who had travelled back in time with him urged him to admit that he was wrong in trying to erase metal from history. He stubbornly refused. If anything, constantly being bombarded with heavy metal from dead metal musicians only strenghtened his belief that his cause was right.

Suplee was still thinking this over, at least when he could because even in his cell, he was still able to hear those musicans playing. At that moment, it was Warrell Dane, Eddie Van Halen, Lorne Black and A.J. Pero who were assaulting his eardrums. Suddenly, he was distracted by shuffling at his cell door. Suplee turned and saw a singer, who didn’t sing heavy metal and he admired somewhat, standing at his cell’s entrance.

Before he could say anything, the singer put his finger to his lips and whispered, “I’ve come to get you out.” With that, the singer beckoned and Martin Suplee followed. Stealthily, the pair tiptoed through Rock Heaven and somehow, nobody noticed them. They carried on until they came to a huge door.

“This is the way out,” the singer directed.

“Where will I go?” asked a rather perplexed Mr. Suplee.

“Why, to Hell of course,” the singer responded, trying to keep down the volume of his voice. “Why, if anyone leaves Rock Heaven, the only place they can go is Hell. My boss is expecting you. He will assist you in ridding the world of heavy metal.”

Suplee opened his mouth to ask for more details but the singer had mysteriously vanished from sight, leaving him on his own. Not knowing what else to do, he thought to himself, “It’s worth a try” and pushed the door open and stepped through. As he entered a strange void, all he could think was “Maybe there was still a chance that he could wipe heavy metal from ever existing.”

Back in Hell

Satan waited along with those he assembled as the figure materialized before them. “When it did, he addressed the confused new arrival, “Welcome to Hell, Mr. Suplee.”

Bewildered, Mr. Suplee looked around the room. Why he actually was in Hell! He recognized Satan as he was responsible for him being in Rock Heaven. If that wasn’t enough, he recognized some of those with him, chiefly Al Capone and Charles Manson. Plus the were two other men and a woman, who he assumed was Lizzy Borden, due to her clothing. One man was in medieval dress, the other in a Roman toga. However, the remaining man bothered him. He was dressed in heavy metal attire. Therefore, he sensed a trap.

“Who’s he?” Suplee asked pointing to the metal clad Dave Holland.

“Why, he’s part of my plan to take over Rock Heaven!” Satan laughed louldy sending vibrations around the room. “All those metal musicians should be suffering here in Hell. Don’t you agree?”

Mr. Suplee nodded, “What do you want me to do?”

Satan explained, “What you didn’t know when you went back in time to destroy heavy metal from existence is that when those in Rock Heaven created heavy metal, one of the blueprints they used was Nazereth’s “Hair of the Dog” album. What you need to do is go to this MetalMan’s house and steal his copy. You can get your revenge on him as well for his assistance in Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes defeating you. When you steal that album, MetalMan will call for the super-heroes and they will come to stop you and you can defeat them.

“How can I defeat them? Last time, I had a special device but they neutralized it. Now I’m just an ordinary human.”

“That’s where I come in!” Satan boomed. “I can give you powers that will help you defeat them.

“Then give me those powers,” Suplee demanded. “And I shall defeat those meddlesome super-heroes and wipe heavy metal from history!” His laughed resembled those from cartoon villians.

“Very well,” Satan chortled. He pointed his trident at Mr. Suplee and the transformation began taking place. Suplee let out a long blood-curtling scream as large black wings began growing from the middle of his back. However, he took the pain as a new aura overcame him. When the wings had fully grown out, his clothing mysteriously changed to black robes. A few seconds later, the transformation was  complete and Suplee felt different.

“Arise,” Satan commanded.

Mr. Suplee stood tall. He spread out his new wings fully, nearly knocking into Al Capone.

“Your transformation is now complete,” Satan informed. “You can know go and destroy Tee-Bone Man and Superdekes.

“Yes, I will have my vengeance on those two,” Suplee snarled before he mysteriously vanished.

Once Suplee had gone, Caligula asked, “Do you think he’ll succeed?”

Satan mischieviously replied, “He doesn’t need to. All we need is for him to keep the super-heroes busy long enough so we can make our move on Rock Heaven.”

 

To be continued….

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Outside the Writer’s Room

The Writer’s Room: Outside the Writer’s Room

Each one of the four was holding John T. Snow down by a limb.  The normally kind southern gentleman was struggling to escape.

“I’ll kill them!  I’ll kill them both!  Let me go!” screamed Snow.

The friends each struggled to keep him stable.  Mike had the left arm, Harrison the right.  Meanwhile Aaron and Metal Man had a leg each.  Each man grunted at the strain of holding John Snow down.

“I don’t understand!” protested Aaron.  “He’s gone crazy!  What happened?”

“He he hasn’t been the same…urgh!” Mike strained under the strength of John Snow’s left arm.  “He hasn’t been the same since he returned from that weird portal!”

“I fear something terrible has happened,” added Harrison the Mad Lego Artist.

“I second that,” said the 80s Metal Man as he gasped for breath.  “I can’t keep holding him!”

“Let…me…GO!” screamed John Snow again.  “I’ll kill them both!”

“No more Simmons soda for this guy,” joked Aaron.  Nobody laughed.

Suddenly the board room doors slammed open.  A team of Police ran in, guns out, and fanned about the room.

“Everyone stand back and release the suspect!  He’s coming with us!”

With quick and efficient movements, the experienced crisis team swiftly had the manic John Snow restrained, and they escorted him to an adjacent room.  It was over in what felt like seconds.  Everything happened so fast.  Before long, Snow was calmed and seated.  The Police Captain came to speak to Mike.

“We’re taking him to hospital for observation and questioning,” informed the Captain.  “He will be safe and in good hands.  You are all welcome to follow and wait there for results.  I don’t think there’s any reason to press charges.  That doesn’t seem to be appropriate for this situation.  We’ll get your friend some medical help and we’ll go from there.  The hospital will keep him in custody for the time being.”

“That sounds good to us,” said Mike.  For some reason he was picturing himself as a Police captain in a strange Noir-like universe where Harrison had a long handlebar moustache.  A funny vision.  He snapped back to reality.  “Thank you officer, Harrison and I will go.  These guys can go home to their patient families!”  He then paused a moment and looked across the room at John Snow.  “Can I…can I go speak to him a moment?”

“Just a moment,” answered the Captain as he motioned Mike to speak to John.  Mike walked across the room and put him arm on Snow’s shoulder.

“Hey buddy,” he said in a calm voice.  Snow nodded back in acknowledgement.  He was sweating.  He looked scared.  “These guys are going to take care of you, but don’t worry.  We’ll be at the hospital if you need us.  We won’t be far.  We’ll be following in my car.  OK man?”

John nodded again, but said nothing.  The Police escorted him while Mike and Harrison prepared to leave.

“If eternity should fail, we have his back,” said Harrison as he fastened his jacket.  “I’m ready.”

Mike and Harrison were exhausted.

It had been 16 hours.  They were told nothing except that John Snow was undergoing emergency surgery.  That was last night.  It was now past noon.  Mike had managed to get four hours sleep, but Harrison was having trouble adjusting to this time zone.  He fidgeted nervously with some Lego bricks he had in his pocket.  Mike was slouched so far down in his chair that he was all but horizontal.

A doctor emerged in mask and scrubs.  There were traces of blood on his tie.  He saw the pair slouching in their plastic chairs.

“Are you gentlemen here for John Snow?”

“Yes doctor!” answered Harrison immediately while Mike slowly got himself up into a more dignified position.  “What has happened?”

The doctor held up a small metallic oval.  It was egg-shaped, but longer and narrow.  It gleamed like a mirror with no visible markings or seams.

“We removed this from his skull.  There was no entrance wound.  It’s not a bullet.  We have no idea how it got in there.”

Mike’s jaw dropped, as if he could identify the object.  Harrison listened intently.

“The first thing we did when you first arrived was schedule a brain scan.  When sudden, violent behaviour happens unexpectedly, we look for brain trauma.  That’s when we found this.  We spent 12 hours extracting it.  Mr. Snow is unconscious in recovery.  He is going to be fine.  You may see him when he awakes.  But this…this is extremely troubling.

“May I?” asked Mike as he got out his camera to take a photo.  The doctor nodded and Mike snapped a shot of the silver object.

“This is going to Police headquarters for analysis,” said the doctor as he placed the object in a baggie.  “You guys may as well go get some rest and come back in a few hours when John is ready to be moved.  We’ll call you if there are any developments.”

“Thank you doctor,” said Mike and Harrison in unison.  They both looked exhausted and hungry, but with relief now entering their bodies as the adrenaline faded away.

Mike and Harrison sat with their drinks.

“So, Harrison,” asked Mike after a sip from his straw.   He held up his phone, and opened it to the photo of the silver capsule.  “Do you know what this is?”

Harrison squinted but shook his head.  “I must confess I do not.”

“I do,” dropped Mike like a bomb.

“Do tell,” said Harrison.  He sprinkled some candy sprinkles on his bagel to make his own form of Australian Fairy Bread.

“You’re not going to believe this…or maybe you will, given we’re seemingly seeing our stories come to life,” began Mike.  “This object is impossible…it is fictional.  It does not exist.  It is…” he paused for dramatic effect, “…a cerebro shell.”

Harrison’s expressionless face was without reaction.

“A cerebro shell.  From Transformers Generation One?  The Decepticons used them to control people.  The Insecticon named Bombshell would insert these into a victim’s brain, and control that victim with it.  Very hard to remove surgically, which is why it took so long.”

Harrison laughed.  “No, really, what is it?” he responded.

“I’m telling you what it is!” answered Mike.  “That, my Australian wunderkind, is a cerebro shell from the Insecticon named Bombshell.  A Transformer has entered our universe from theirs, and attempted to take control of John T. Snow, of our writers’s room.  And you know what that means.”

Harrison did indeed know what that meant.

“That means…they are trying to influence the story we are writing!  The Adventures of Tee Bone Man!  John said he wanted to kill ‘both of them’!  The Decepticons want Tee Bone Man and Superdekes dead!  But…why?”

“Don’t you see?” answered Mike.  “They’re real!  All of them!  And we’re writing the final battle of their reality!  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes, in some universe somewhere…they exist!  And their stories are playing out exactly as we are writing them!”

“We can’t let them lose,” answered Harrison.  “Tee Bone Man and Superdekes could be the only thing holding the evil back from invading our universe!”

Mike put his coffee down.  “Dear God…Harrison…you’re right!  The ultimate stakes here could be our very universe!”

Harrison thought a moment.  He had an idea.  “Last time we talked, I suggested we shut down Tee Bone Man and stop this mess.  What happens if we do that?”

“I fear utter disaster awaits,” said Mike gravely.  “If we stopped writing Tee Bone Man, there is nothing stopping them from finishing the story for us, with his death!  And then nothing would stand between them and our universe!  Every universe!  Harrison…the entire multiverse may depend on us writing this story to its very end.  And it has to end with Tee Bone Man and Superdekes winning.  No matter the cost.  We have to finish!”

Harrison wiped sprinkles from his moustache.  “Then that is what we shall do,” he said with great resolve.  “I suggest we begin to move our pieces into position for the coming battle.”

Mike nodded.  “I agree.  We have characters to introduce, others to bring home, and events to set into motion.  Now’s the time.”

Mike’s phone buzzed.

“It’s the hospital.  John is awake.  Let’s go.”

John was seated in his bed, white bandages over his head.  He was sipping a Gene Simmons ginger ale from a bottle with a straw.  He smile grew wide when he saw the two friends enter his room.

“Harrison!  Mike!  Am I ever glad to see you guys!”

“We’re glad to see you too!” said Harrison.

“We were worried!” added Mike.  The two took seats on opposite sides of Snow’s bed.

“Do you guys know what happened?” asked John.

“I do,” said Mike, “But let’s not worry about that right now.  You need to rest.  Harrison and I have the situation in hand.”

“You do?” asked John, turning his head from Mike to Harrison in search of answers.  “What situation?”  Mike and Harrison exchanged glances, but chose not to say too much.

“Everything is going to be fine,” calmed Harrison.  “You’re safe.  Nobody will be messing with your brain again.”

“And we brought you a gift!” exclaimed Mike while removing something from a bag.  “You’re going to love this.”  He handed Snow a small package.

“What is it?” asked John as he tore the paper open.

“It’s a new mini-sized Gene Simmons Vault!  All the songs at a fraction of the cost!”

Snowman looked at his gift and smiled.  “Do you guys know how much I paid for my original Simmons Vault?”

“Well now you have two!” said Harrison.  “One to look at, and one to play!”

“Thanks guys,” said Snowman.  “Sincerely.  My goal is to collect at least two copies of everything Gene ever made.   Thank you.”

A nurse popped her head in the room.

“Sorry folks, visiting hours are over.  You can come back tomorrow.”

“See ya, John.  Have a good rest.  We’ll be back.”  Mike and Harrison said their goodbyes, and exited into an empty corridor.

“We have a big problem,” said Harrison as the two walked.  “We stacked the deck against the super heroes in our story.  We have Satan, Trump’s clone, Shinzon, Darth Tyranus, who has the Force I must remind you, and of course the Eater of Worlds.  Now, we just introduced Doctor K as the latest villain.  I don’t think anyone has faced such danger in the history of fiction!”

“Then it’s time we even the odds,” answered Mike.  “Let’s bring them back.”

“Bring who back?” answered Harrison, puzzled.

“Us!  Bring us back!  The heroes need Moustachio and the Brain again.”

“But the Brainiac is dead,” said Harrison.  “You insisted we kill him in dramatic fashion.”

“You think there’s only one Brainiac in this multiverse?” chided Mike.  “Let’s get plotting!”

“Now that’s a sentiment I can get behind,” said Harrison.  “Off to the Toys R Us store.  I need bricks.  Lots and lots and lots of bricks.”

“Let’s go!” said Mike.  “You know, the real life Toys R Us store in Kitchener is the location where we first introduced your clone, Shinzon, in our stories?”

“I do remember that detail, yes,” answered Harrison.

“I knew you would.  To the Lego section!” said Mike.  “Allons-y!”

And with that, the two friends set about their business, as forces of both good and evil began to align for the final battle.

To be continued….

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Tee Bone Man Goes Back to School (Part Two)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Four: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School (Part Two)

The bell rang loudly as the children raced back to their desks in Mrs. Powers’ classroom.

“Come on, back to your seats!   You were capable of moving faster on your way out, but not your way back in; now why would that be?” she scolded aloud.  The kids laughed, ignoring her.  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes just chuckled to themselves as they watched the chaos from the front of the room.

“School Daze, eh Tee Bone?” nudged Deke.

“Tick tock, three o’clock,” responded Tee Bone.

The kids were now all sitting attentively, waiting for Tee Bone Man and Superdekes to finish telling the story of their adventures.  While they were out at recess, Deke had sketched some diagrams on the blackboard.

“So, kids, like we were saying earlier, our adventures were about to get a lot more serious.  We told you about our friend Mr. Moustachio.”  Tee Bone noticed that Ripper the squirrel was perched outside the window now, listening to this part of the story.

“The day came when we met Moustachio, for what turned out to be the last time.”  Tee Bone fought to keep his composure.  “It was a crazy, crazy night!  Our adventure took us all the way to an island in the Caribbean; it’s really nice and warm there, which is fine, but we had to fight a bunch of bad guys in the middle of a deadly amusement part!  That was scary, wasn’t it Deke?”

Deke had sketched some illustrations.  “That’s right Tee,” he answered.  He pointed to a picture of a dinosaur and a rollercoaster.  “I had to navigate this shady amusement park ride, while you wound up in the hall of mirrors!”

“I don’t mind telling you kids, that was scary.  Fortunately, it was there we met up with Moustachio and Ripper one more time.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 16: A Crazy Crazy Night Part One]

“He saved your tail, if I recall,” reminded Deke.  “Either way, we had to stop a man called Wicked Lester.  And you know from that name alone, he’s not on our side.”

“He had rigged this whole island against us.  From a ‘Psycho Circus’ to a weird creepy rusty kitchen.  It was a bad, bad scene, kids!” exclaimed Tee Bone with a wide expression on his face.

“Fortunately, our good friend the Snowman came along to help us,” added Deke.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 16: A Crazy Crazy Night Part Two]

“And don’t forget the Brainiac,” added Tee Bone Man.  “He came in with a last-minute save, rest his soul.”

A child in the middle row of the classroom raised her hand like a dart.

“Wait a minute, you were on island in the Caribbean?” she asked sceptically.

Tee Bone nodded affirmative.  “That’s right.”

“And your friends just happened to arrive in time?  Isn’t the Caribbean thousands of kilometers away from here?”

Tee Bone’s mouth was about to open to answer, but the kid kept at him.

“And they all just happened to make it there on time?”  The girl crossed her arms in disbelief.  “This sounds made-up.”

“They had their own transportation,” explained Deke.  “Listen, we’re alive today because of them.”

“Hold up, hold up!”  The kid was not taking this sitting down.  She stood and raised her arms in the air.  “They had their own transportation to the Caribbean?  Are all your friends billionaires?”

“No!  Well, just one.  Maybe two.”  Tee Bone then calmly walked to the girl’s desk and whispered in her ear.  “Listen kid.  Stop asking questions.  If you ask questions it’ll stop making sense, so just sit down in your little chair and keep it zipped!”  Tee Bone made a zipper movement across his lips with his hand.  “Zip it!”

The girl sat quietly in her chair and stuck out her tongue.

“Anyway!  Don’t worry about minor details. Boring stuff!  Trust me!  The point is, we got off the island after we saved the world, again!”

“Well,” interrupted Deke.  “Most of us got off the island.”

A kid in the front gasped.  “What happened?”

“This’ll take some explaining,” began Deke, “But I assume you kids like movies.  Have you seen Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness?”  A couple kids raised their hands.  “Well, I got news for you kids.  Me and Tee Bone…”  The teacher Mrs. Powers glared at him from the back.  “I mean, Tee Bone and I discovered that the multiverse is real.  Everything that exists here and now…also exists in other universes, some identical to ours and most of them vastly different.”  Deke started making sketches on the blackboard of what a whole bunch of universes might look like.  “So out there somewhere, a place so distant from us that we don’t have way to measure it or even a word for how vast the multiverse is…out there somewhere is another you, another me, another Powers, another Tee Bone.  And the reason we know that is because our friend Moustachio is lost out there in it.”

“What happened?!?” shrieked a kid in the back.

“We don’t exactly know,” said Deke.  “We know there was a flash of orange light, and our friend disappeared like that.”  He snapped his fingers.  “But we’ve studied all the evidence we have, and everything says ‘multiverse’.  It’s real and that’s where our friend is right now.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 16:  A Crazy Crazy Night Part Three, and Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures]

“Wow,” said Mrs. Powers.  “This is going to make the next science class seem boring by comparison, and you know these kids will be asking multiverse questions that I cannot answer.  You know that, right Deke?  Right Tee Bone?”  Her eyes shot icicles at the two men.  A bead of sweat ran down Tee Bone’s nose and onto his lip.  It quivered in fear.  A feeling the man was simply not used to.

“I…gotta go use the washroom,” said Tee Bone.  “Deke, you wanna handle this next part?”

Deke shrugged.  “I guess I have to.  I should have drank two double-doubles on my way here too.”  One kid laughed.  Clearly his parents were coffee drinkers.  “While Tee Bone’s taking a break, let’s talk a minute about how important it is to take breaks!  I know you kids have lots of homework, but don’t forget to relax and have fun every once in a while.  Tee Bone and I do it too.  We have to!  Otherwise we’d have no energy to fight the bad guys!”  He made punching motions with his hands.  “Lego,” nodded Deke.  “Lego is a good pastime for young and old alike!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 14:  Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao, and Chapter 19: Tee Bone and Superdekes Vs. The Lego]

Deke took a deep sip of water so that he could excuse himself for the next pee break.  He then focused himself, for this next part of the story was the darkest and hardest to tell.

“With the multiverse opening up before us, we needed help.  And help we got.  Our friend the Brainiac put us in touch with other super heroes.  Because of him, we put together a team.  We call ourselves the Northern Lights.  You know what that is, right kids?”  All the Thunder Bay kids knew what the Northern Lights are, of course!  “Well we named ourselves that because we are a like a light in our darkest hour!  Today we have eleven members…”

A loud “SQUEE!  SQUEE!” from outside interrupted Deke’s speech.

“Sorry!  Twelve members!  Besides Tee Bone and me…”  Mrs. Powers coughed angrily!  “I mean…Tee Bone and I?  Besides Tee Bone and I, there’s Ripper over there!  Everyone say hello to Ripper the Squirrel!”  The jet-black squirrel waved a paw back.  “We also have our friends the Snowman, Max the Axe, the Mars Man, Mr. Books, and some new friends too.  We call them the King of the Sharks, the Night Ranger, and the Jexciter!  You should see these guys.  The one guy wears a shark hat, one looks like Batman, and the other one never has a shirt on because he’s so muscular!”  Deke popped an impressive muscle on his right bicep.  “We also have an actual knight named Bernard, and an eccentric billionaire named Mr. Durling.  And that’s twelve.  We also have allies in space and in England, and we’re getting stronger every day.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 22:  Enter the Durling Foundation]

“What about the Brainiac?” asked a kid who was clearly paying attention.  “You said ‘rest his soul’!”

That’s when Tee Bone walked back into the room.  Deke excused himself as promised, leaving Tee to finish the hard part of the story.

“We lost Brainiac,” he said, taking off his glasses as he looked down at his boots.  He paused.  The silence hung heavy in the air.  “We were looking for clues.  A friend of his was killed.  We were trying to discover who did it.  That’s when Shinzon showed up.”

“The clone?” asked the kid who was paying attention.

“The clone.  At one point or another, we found out he was named after Captain Picard’s evil clone in Star Trek:  Nemesis.  Somebody had a sense of humour when they named him, because Shinzon really is pure evil.  And we’ll get him.  I promise you kids, Shinzon is not coming back to this planet without answering to us.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter 17:  Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’, Shinzon: Dread and the Fugitive Mind, Chapter 20: The Death of Edie Van Heelin’, Chapter 21: Fate of the Brainiac.

Deke re-entered the room at that moment. “And that pretty much gets us up to speed,” he said.  “We’ve been fighting evil and saving rock and roll for a couple years now, but we have a solid team behind us.  We have a pretty good idea what we are up against.  And we will win.”

Mrs. Powers clapped, and the students followed suit.  “Thank you, gentlemen.  You are welcome back in my classroom any day.”

Tee Bone and Superdekes bowed.  “Any more questions?” asked Tee Bone.

The kid who seemed to be paying attention raised his hand.  “I have a question!”

“Go ahead,” answered Tee Bone.

“Remember your friend Moustachio disappeared in a flash of orange light?  Did it look like that light outside?”  The kid pointed through the window.  Ripper the Squirrel, who was seated outside on the windowsill, turned to look.  There was indeed a flashing orange light outside.  From that light, poured several small figures.  Four-legged figures.  Furry ones.  And they were heading towards the school.”

“C’mon Deke!  We better check this out!”  At that, the two heroes opened the classroom door — where they were confronted by a woman in black.  Her hair was fire red, and she was surrounded by dogs.  Schnauzers!

“Hello, Tee Bone Man.  Greetings Superdekes.  I’m Doctor K.  Let’s talk about my brother,” she growled.  The Schnauzers joined her in growling.

Deke meekly waved hello.  “Hi, lady.  Who is your brother?”

This only seemed to make her angry.   “You don’t remember me.  I was at the funeral.  You were supposed to protect him.  Instead you brought home his body.”  The Schnauzers continued to growl.  Tee Bone and Deke stepped out of the classroom into the hallway and closed the door behind them.

“Ohhhh…” answered Tee Bone.  “The Brainiac.  I’m so sorry for your loss, Doctor K.  We did our best to save him, but we were too late.  The evil clone Shinzon got to him first.  But we are not resting until we catch him.  Him and his boss, the one who sent him, Lord Tyranus.  We’re onto them both.  I assure you, we won’t rest…”

“ENOUGH!” she screamed.  She then removed a bass clarinet from a black leather case by her side.  “I’m here for my revenge!”  She blew into the mouthpiece.  Tee Bone and Superdekes were immediately thrown against the wall by the blast of bass!

“Ouch!” yelled Tee Bone.  “Take it easy Doc, let us help!”

“YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH!”  She prepared to blast them again.

“Quick!  To the gymnasium!” cried Deke.  The two ran out a side door, but Doctor K and her Schnauzer army were ready.

“You think you can run?  I recruited this Schnauzer army from the furthest reaches of the multiverse!  The most vicious Schnauzers ever bred.  Schnauzers…ATTACK!”  She pointed at the two men running down the hall, and they pursued with drool dripping from their sharp fangs!

The pair ran towards the gymnasium, and slammed the doors behind them.  They could hear Schnauzers thudding against the doors, and they struggled to hold them shut.

“What do you we do now Tee?” asked Deke.  “We can’t fight the Brainiac’s sister, and we can’t hurt those cute but vicious animals.  We’re stuck, buddy!  You even left your guitar back in the classroom!”

“I’m as stymied as you, buddy.  Keep holding that door…we need a plan!”

“I’m trying!  Those Schnauzers are too tough!” answered Deke.

Suddenly there was a blast of bass.  The doors shattered, and our two heroes were thrown like rag dolls onto the gymnasium floor.  Doctor K strode through, followed by her army of animals.  Tee Bone rubbed his head from the fall.  Deke’s face was bleeding from shattered glass.  Tee Bone raised his hand in a “stop” motion.

“Doctor K…you have to listen to us!”  The doctor interrupted him before he could finish.

“My brother listened to you and you got him killed!  Why shouldn’t I finish you right now?”  The Schnauzer army was ready to strike, teeth bare and hungry.  They quietly growled.

“What if…what if we promised to bring you Shinzon?  He’s the one who did it…what if we brought you the real killer?” asked Tee.

Doctor K lowered her bass clarinet and commanded the Schnauzers to heel.

“Bring me the ‘real’ killer.  You have 30 days.  If you fail, I guarantee these Schnauzers will taste your blood!  Just as the day time turns into night time…just like the rich man needs lots of money…I will be back.  30 days.”  She then blew a series of special notes on her bass clarinet.  It summoned an orange light.

“30 days!” she reminded them, as she stepped through the orange portal with her army and disappeared.

Tee Bone and Superdekes sat on the ground, one sweating and one bleeding.

“I think the plot just thickened,” said Deke.

To be continued….

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

The Adventures of Tee Bone Man: Tee Bone Man Goes Back to School (Part One)

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

Chapter Twenty-Four: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Go Back to School (Part One)

With nervous jitters, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes sat in the classroom, atop chairs that seemed a little small for their superhero frames.  They were fully suited up, but otherwise unarmed for the children.  This was only a fifth grade class, which made them a little extra cautious….maybe even more than when saving the world from monsters and villains.  Their skin glistened with tense, cold sweat.

“Settle down, kids!” screamed Mrs. Powers, the stern-faced prune of a teacher, as she stormed into the class.  Not the most pleasant teacher our heroes have encountered, Powers had a tense aura.  Ancient as the Earth itself, her black hair was tied tight into a 1960s beehive like she forgot what decade this was.  The class went suddenly silent upon her bellow, and Tee Bone Man loosened his collar at the cape.  A little warm in here?  Someone should check the air conditioning.  His cape was tight.  His new cape.  The old one was burned by a dragon about two months ago in the Battle of Kitchener.  Now, he and Superdekes were summoned here to speak in a class by Principal Rockefeller, but Mrs. Powers clearly wanted nothing to do with the pair.

“Was the Van Halen mask really necessary?” she whispered to Tee Bone Man.  “This is a fifth grade class, gentlemen.  Do you want these kids looking up David Lee Roth’s derriere on the internet?”

Tee Bone blinked.  “You know David Lee Roth?” he asked with eyes wide.

“Oh please,” she huffed, shaking her head in displeasure.  “Do you think I’m new?  Go!” she waved her hand as she gestured to the front of the classroom.  Deke and Tee hurried to the blackboard.  Deke wrote their names in white chalk while Tee Bone spoke.

“Might as well Jump,” said Tee to himself.  Here we go!  “Hi kids!”

The class fidgeted, many with head in hands, trying not too hard to pay attention.  Tough crowd, noted Tee Bone.  He took a deep breath.  “I’m Tee Bone Man, and this is my pal Superdekes!  We’re superheroes!  We’ve been invited here today by your principal to teach you all about right and wrong, good and evil, and some pretty crazy adventures we’ve had!”

This was patently false.  The real reason they were sweating in that classroom was in repayment for the chaos caused by their New Year’s Eve concert last month.  The concert threw the city of Thunder Bay into disarray for three solid days, and a reckoning was had in the halls of the Mayor’s Office.  This school appearance was part of the ongoing reparations that Tee and Deke owed from that night.  The concert might have blown minds, but the fallout in the days after blew chunks.  Tee Bone and Superdekes were the scapegoats.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Twenty-Three:  Rockin’ New Year’s Eve]

Tee Bone Man cleared his throat.  Time for penance.

“We’d like to tell you all about our adventures, and maybe you’ll learn a thing or two in the process.  Are ya ready?” Tee Bone pumped his fist in excitement.  One kid responded with a snore, another a fart.

“SCOTTIE!” scolded Mrs. Powers.

“OK!  Deke…why don’t you start?” said Tee

Deke looked startled a moment and then snapped to attention.  “Uh, sure!  Why don’t we start with our origin story?”

Tee Bone nodded.  “Always good to start from the start,” he encouraged.

“Great!” said Superdekes as he clapped and rubbed his hands.  “So, kids, Tee Bone Man over here got his amazing super powers by falling into a vat of radioactive Scotch.  Do you kids know what Scotch is?”

Mrs. Powers’ jaw dropped.  Deke turned his head in a start, and changed his line of questioning.

“I mean, do you kids know what radioactivity is?”  The kids stared blankly.  “Well, I mean…”  This was not going well!  He smacked his head.  Tee Bone gestured and whispered “Say something!”  Deke had an idea.  Changing his line of questioning, he grabbed their attention.

“I mean, have any of you kids ever eaten a lot of candy all at once?”

Suddenly the class perked up.  A few children raised their hands excitedly.

“Did you feel different after eating all that candy?” he asked.

“I got a tummy ache!” screamed one kid.   Another one shouted, “I ran around and around and around until my mom told me to stop and then I couldn’t sleep!”

Deke snapped his fingers and pointed at the kid.  “That’s right!  That’s kind of what happened to Tee Bone Man here.  He fell into some radioactive…candy…and next thing I knew, he could fly!  It was very dangerous, he could have died!  We barely survived, so the lesson here is…don’t eat too much candy, I think!  Anyway, that’s why we became a superhero team!”  Deke raised his hand to high-five Tee, who hesitated but went for it.  The kids were starting to wake up.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Zero:  Origins]

“That’s right, Deke!” said Tee Bone, picking up the story.  “Any questions?”

One hand went up.  A nerdy kid in the back with greasy hair and glasses.  Great.

“How doesth it work?” asked the nerd with a lisp.  “Like, how do guysth know where people need help?”

Whew!  “Great question kid!” exclaimed Tee.  “Do any of your moms and dads buy music records?”  A couple kids more raised their hands.

“AC/DC!” said a tiny voice from the back.  Deke stared in surprise, mouth slightly agape.  Powers frowned and crossed her arms.

“Right!” enthused Tee Bone.  “Well, Deke here devised a super secret music system that allows us to sense danger before it comes!  It works when he plays a record on his special record player!  It’s pretty cool!  Deke is a wizard with technology, you see.  Tell them, Deke!”

Deke looked surprised.  “You were doing so well.  Keep going,” he pressed.  Tee Bone was clearly not eager to upset Mrs. Powers any further, but he continued his story.

“Our first few adventures were pretty easy, kind of like when you’re starting to play a new video game.  You kids know what Sasquatches are?   Well, our earliest adventures just involved us saving a bunch of tourists from Sasquatches and such.  Very exciting.  You can actually can smell them for a mile.”  Tee Bone pinched his nose for exaggeration.  “Pee-eww!” he said to the class’s laughter.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter One:  A Friend In Need]

A kid wrinkled up his nose and giggled.

“What do they smell like?” asked Scottie, the kid who farted earlier, without raising his hands.

“A little like you…” murmured Deke.  The class giggled.  All but Scottie of course!  Deke picked up the story.

“The problem with fighting Sasquatches is, Tee Bone would always get there first because he can fly, and I can’t.  All I have are my gadgets.  But check this out.”

Deke sketched a crude drawing of his flying motorcycle on the board.

“I had to figure out a way to fly!  I had a motorcycle, which was fast, but Tee can fly anywhere in the world!  I had to sit in traffic and wait for the green light!  And kids, you be careful every time you cross the street!  So, you know what I did?  I put some wings on my motorcycle and now it flies!  Just goes to show, never give up and follow your imaginations!”   Deke drew some flames coming from the bike’s exhaust in red chalk.  “Psssshhhhhhhhht!” said Deke as made roaring engine sounds to go with his flames.

Finishing his drawing, Deke looked at Powers before continuing.  She wasn’t going to like what happened next.  It was a tad…hellish.  But these kids have seen worse on YouTube.  Deke began the next chapter.

“My flying bike came in handy when we had to go to Australia.  Remember a couple of years ago, those earthquakes that hit all over the world?  Those were scary, right?  Well it was me and Tee Bone who stopped them!”

“TEE BONE AND I,” corrected a stern Mrs. Powers.

“Tee Bone and I, right, and on that note…Tee?”  Deke was passing the live hand grenade to his friend now, so to speak!

“OK, yeah!  So, I flew to Australia to meet a new ally called Mr. Moustachio!  He is very important to our story…don’t forget that name!  Anyway, we learned the earthquakes were coming from Hell, and we had to go and literally defeat Satan himself!  But we did, because good always wins, right kids?  Right?”  Powers scowled.

“We saved the world,” emphasized Deke to the class so Powers would stop glaring.  “And we didn’t even ask for a reward!”

“We had to fight demons and dragons, kids!” said Tee.  Deke raised his arms to the sides and flapped them like dragon wings, and pretended to breath fire for the class.  “It was pretty hairy, but thanks to our friend Moustachio, we won that battle and saved the world for the first time!  A pretty big deal, and we didn’t even get a parade or an interview on TV!”

“Boo!” said Scottie to this news.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over and Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be]

“But kids, this is where the story gets a little crazy!  Our new friend Moustachio returned home to his house in Australia, which is on the other side of the world.  My friend Deke here thinks that Satan cloned Moustachio during that adventure!  Do you know what cloning is?  It’s like making a copy of a person!”

Deke sketched some people on the blackboard for emphasis, all identical to one another.

“Me and De…I mean, Deke and I continued to do our jobs saving the world, while someone was making a copy of our friend!”  Tee Bone wiped his brow a moment and took a swig of his water.  “We think it was Satan again.  He made an evil version of our friend, and named him Shinzon!   And now we have him to worry about too.  That’s what we think happened anyway, right Deke?”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Eighteen:  Shinzon – Origins and Edie Van Heelin’ and the Quest for the Lost Lego]

“That’s my theory, Tee!” said Deke as he picked up the story.  “But kids, we were having a pretty good time protecting the world during our first adventures.  We got to meet some celebrities.  How many of you kids like hockey?”  Five or six kids raised their hands.  “Anyone like the Boston Bruins?” asked Deke.  “Nah, me neither!  Hah.  Anyway, if you can believe it, once Tee Bone and I had to save the world from a big rat named Brad Marchand, the captain of the Boston Bruins!”  A couple kids laughed at word rat.  “No, it’s true!” said Deke.  “He has a big old rat nose and he’s just a big bad pain in the ass!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Four:  Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom?]

Powers scolded immediate.  “DEKE.  LANGUAGE.”

“Right, sorry!  Keep it warm, rat!”   Deke drew a funny caricature of Marchand on the board.  The kids laughed at his massive mountain of a nose.

“Umm, anyway, after we took care of Marchand, we started making some new friends!  Friends are very important, kids!  Always make sure you have your friends’ backs, and pick ones that will always have yours!  On our next adventure, we met a strange American billionaire named Snowman!  He had lots of rare records and collectables, so you know what he did?  He bought an army of snowmen to protect it!  And you know what happened when Satan attacked us again?  Can you guess?”

Deke sketched a portrait of the Snowman on the blackboard as Tee Bone spoke.  Mrs. Powers interrupted.

“Isn’t that Richard Dreyfuss?” she questioned.

“Common mistake,” winked Deke.

“He’s very handsome,” blushed the teacher.  “I mean, can you guess what happened next kids?”

A kid raised her hand.  “Did the snowmans melt?”

“The snowmans melted!” shouted Tee Bone as he pointed at the girl and pumped his fist.

“But did you stop the bad guys?” asked another child.

“We sure did!” said Tee Bone.  “We stopped the Devil and his Knights In Satan’s Service, and the Snowman has been one of our best friends ever since!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Five:  The Super Duper Vault]

There was an awkward pause.  Tee Bone Man drew a blank.  He scratched his head a moment.  “What happened next, Deke?  I’m having trouble remembering the next part.”

“You took a vacation.  You went to camp,” said Deke.

“Oh that’s right,” said Tee.  “Always remember, take some time to play and don’t work too hard!  I made a new friend on my vacation, kind of,” said Tee Bone.  “You knows know what squirrels are right?”

Just about every kid raised their hands.  “There’s one outside right now!” said one as he pointed through a window.  “A big black one!”

“That’s him!” said Tee Bone.  “That’s my squirrel friend Ripper.  I met him when I took a vacation at my camp.  Technically, he belongs to Mr. Moustachio, but we’ll tell you more about him later on.  First, we had to deal with the realisation that not everybody is on our side.  Even superheroes have bullies.”

[FUTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Six:  Tee Bone Goes To Camp]

“That’s right!” said Deke.  “Now, kids, this next part of the story is about a big old bully named Billy.  We’re going to teach you how to deal with meanies like Billy.  Nobody here likes a bully, right?”

“Nooooooo!” came a sea of kid voices.

“Nobody likes a bully!” said Deke.  “Well I got a bully named Billy and he’s a big old grouch.  Have you kids ever heard of a band called Mr. Big?”

Dead stares.

“Didn’t think so.  Well, you know what this bully did?  He came around to my house just to mess with me, when Tee Bone was sleeping!  Isn’t that mean?”  All the kids nodded in agreement.  “But I got him, yes I did, all my myself!” said Deke, as he turned to wink at Tee Bone.

“We got him,” said Tee Bone.

“I got him,” corrected Deke.  “By myself.  Without Tee Bone Man’s help!”

The kids clapped.

“And that’s what you do with a bully!” exclaimed Deke.  “When they come to your house with a teal doubleneck bass guitar looking for trouble, you blast ’em with your nuclear pick-shooter!”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Seven:  The Revenge of Common Knowledge]

“It’s a good thing we kept meeting new friends,” said Tee Bone as he continued the story.  “Especially since the bullies were growing in number.  We needed friends.  Deke and I couldn’t do this on our own anymore.  Things were happening all over the world, not just here in Thunder Bay.  Do you kids know where England is?”

Nobody seemed to know.

“Well it’s a long way away, across the Atlantic Ocean!” said Tee Bone, holding his arms wide to express the massive distance.  “And this story goes to show, even people from very far away that talk with difference accents, can be your next friend!  Our new friend, Michael the 80s Metal Man, came from a place called Stroud.  This time, there was a bad teacher named Mr. Suplee, who was trying to change world history using time travel!  Have you kids seen any good time travel movies?  Well it works just like the movies, I guess.”

A boy raised his hand.  “Like in Avengers Endgame?”

“No, but like virtually every other time travel movie except that one.”  Deke took over here for Tee Bone.  “There was this evil teacher here in Thunder Bay named Mr. Suplee…”

Mrs. Powers interrupted.  “Mr. Suplee?  The music teacher?”

“Why, yes…did you know him?” asked Deke.

“He was my first husband!” answered Powers.

“Ah.  Well, he was an A-hole, ma’am,” said Tee Bone.

“I agree,” said Powers.  “Continue.”

“Hah.  Well, Mr. Suplee decided he didn’t like a certain kind of music, and he decided to use time travel to erase heavy metal music from history!  And he almost succeeded, didn’t he Tee?” asked Deke

“That’s right,” answered Tee Bone.  “If it wasn’t for the Metal Man, and his connections in Rock Heaven, we’d never have solved that crisis.  And that means we’d live in a world without Ozzy Osbourne!”

“Ozzy!” shouted a kid in the back with a pumped fist.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Eight:  Tee Bone and Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure and Who’s the Mole in Rock and Roll Heaven?]

“That’s right!  But you know kids, new friends are great but never forget your old friends either!  Soon we met up with El Moustachio again.  And guess what!  Satan was up to no good!  Again!” said Tee Bone, hamming it up for the kids now.  He then put on a terrible Australian accent.  “We had ta go back ta da land down unda!”  Deke quietly whispered to him to cut the accent.  Tee grimaced but continued without.  “Anyway, it was supposed to be a fun trip looking for records, but we ended up having to save the world again!  We found an evil, demonic record called the Infernum!”

“And the music sucked!” chuckled Deke to another frown from Mrs. Powers.  “Sorry!” he said this time.

“Anyway, this record we found was the oldest in existence, and capable of summoning a massive army of evil, so needless to say, we had to make sure Satan didn’t get his claws all over it!” explained Tee Bone.  The kids were enthralled with their stories.  “You can imagine what would happen if we didn’t!”

“We had to fight knights in armor!” said Deke with a sword-like motion of his hands.

“And I broke my guitar!” said Tee Bone with a teardrop-motion.  “But we kept fighting anyway!”  He and Deke grabbed a couple of the meter-long rulers that Mrs. Power by the black board.  “It looked something like this!  En garde, Deke!”  He had Deke swung sticks in mock combat, until Tee managed a fatal strike.

“Ahh!” said Deke as he pretended to die.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Nine:  Castle Communications]

“Did you get a new guitar?” asked one kid.  “What colour?” asked another.

“I did!  A black one!” answered Tee Bone Man.  “Wanna see?”

The class cheered.  Tee Bone reached down behind the teacher’s desk and brought up a guitar case.  Inside was a gleaming black weapon, the likes of which these kids had never seen before.  It gleamed under the cold classroom lights.  Tee Bone smiled as he noticed the kids respond to it.

“May I?” he winked to Mrs. Powers.

“Not too loud!” she answered.

Tee Bone smiled.  He casually played Van Halen’s “Eruption”, note for note, tap for tap, for the class who gaped in awe at the sound.  His hands were a blur.  The sound from the tiny practice amp filled the room.  If only they had known it was powered by nuclear Scotch!  It was warmest tones those kids would ever likely hear in person.  Tee Bone shredded the solo until every young mind in the room was blown.  After finishing the solo, they clapped in glee.  Lives were changed that day, only they wouldn’t know it yet.

“I got this axe…that’s slang for guitar…I got this guitar from a guy named Max.  He’s kind of a big deal, you know.  He and a mutual friend of ours called the Brainiac helped me get this very special instrument to replace my old red one.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Fifteen:  Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal]

“Still, it took a while to find the right guitar with the right powers to fight evil!” said Deke.  “You had to do without for a while.  What happened next in our story?”

“We don’t have to tell these kids about the Iron Maiden concert,” shushed Tee.

“Oh yes we do!” laughed Deke.  “Go on!”

Tee Bone harumphed.  “OK, so we went to go to see Iron Maiden in Toronto, and I bought some cursed bootleg socks, and they made me go a little crazy.  That’s all.  Don’t buy bootleg merchandise, is the lesson here, I guess.”  Deke was laughing to himself.

“What kindsa stuff did you do when you were crazy?” asked the kid named Scott.

“Nothing, I went to sleep, now let’s move on,” said Tee.  Deke was killing himself laughing in the corner.  If only these kids knew just how crazy Tee Bone got that night!

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Ten:  The Case of the Cursed Iron Maiden Socks]

Deke tried to reign himself in.  “The important thing is, friends stick together and without his friends, Tee Bone would be on the funny farm right now.”  The class laughed.

Tee Bone smiled.  “It’s true what’s he’s saying about friends,” he continued.  “We had all our friends over for Christmas that year, which was really nice.  Brainiac, Moustachio, Mr. Books, Snowman, Metal Man, all of ’em.”

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Eleven:  A Tee Bone Man Christmas]

“And then we went to space,” teased Deke.

“No way!” gasped one kid.  “You went to space?” yelled another child.  “I peed myself!” screamed a third.

“Me too kid,” winked Tee.  “Almost, anyway.  But yes, we went to space.  We went to Mars actually.”

“Yeah, that was wild,” said Deke.  “We met a new friend named Kevin, but we were there to save the Snowman’s tail, again!  From the Martians this time.  And yes, there are Martians.  I guess that’s probably news.  Anyway, we got Snowman and Kevin safely home from Mars, and it was otherwise a fairly uneventful trip, all things considered,” finished Deke, ignoring the carnage they wreaked on that trip, and the uncertainty of a possible loose end regarding a clone of Donald Trump.  No need to confuse these kids.

“We flew TIE Fighters and X-Wings, dude.  Don’t cheap out on these kids,” chided Tee.

“Wanna see my actual working lightsaber?” asked Deke of the class.

“NO LASER SWORDS IN SCHOOL!” scolded Powers.

[FURTHER READING:  Tee Bone Man Chapter Twelve:  Lost In Space]

Deke’s heart skipped a beat.  “No ma’am; it’s in the car.”

“In the car it stays!” she barked.

“Yes ma’am, in the car in stays,” he agreed.  “But kids, I have to tell you, things were starting to get serious.  Do you think you can handle the rest?”

“YES!” shouted the kids in unison.

“OK then,” smiled Tee Bone Man just as the bell rang for recess.  “We’ll finish when you return!” he shouted as the tidal wave of children ignored him on their way out the door.  Our heroes were left in the room, with just Mrs. Powers staring at them.  There was an awkward silence.

“Tell me something, boys,” she said sternly.

“Anything, sure,” said Tee Bone nervously.

“Did you give that Suplee character a swift kick in the pants?” she said with a dead serious look.

Tee Bone smiled behind the mask.  “Let’s just say he gets three square meals a a day at Canada’s finest maximum security facility.”

There was no reaction on Powers’ face for several seconds.  Then her mouth twitched as she struggled to fight back a smile.  Her eyes divulged her delight.

“Good,” she simply said, and went to go monitor the kids playing in the school yard.

To be continued tomorrow…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2 – Train of Consequences Part Two – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (by Harrison Kopp)

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures
Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part Two

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By Harrison Kopp

Continued from Train of Consequence –  Part One

 

 

El Moustachio was in the middle of the most peculiar dream. He was being assailed by a large creature that appeared to be made of baked beans. It was too big to fight so he tried to turn and run, but he found he was having difficulty moving his legs.

Looking down he saw the reason. It seemed that his entire body was made of oatmeal. Uh oh he thought to himself, if only LeBacon was here to save my, well, bacon. The creature reached out to grab him, and it all went to black as Moustachio awoke with a startle.

What on earth was all that supposed to mean? He thought to himself. No immediate answers came so, as it was still night, he rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. The rest of the night passed without incident, that was, until Harriet woke him up at the crack of dawn.

 

Bang.

The tranquil of the early morning was broken by the sound of a gunshot as El Mousachio went through a series of target practise exercises. He was a little off the mark at distance but had retained most of his skill with firearms. A few more shots and the rest of the bottles were shattered.

“Looks like you’ve got a handle on it”, Harriet said. “Let’s go get some breakfast. I’m sure the others will be up by now.”

Moustachio was happy to oblige, following her inside. After a filling meal of bacon and eggs, the group set off to enact their parts of the plan.

Phase one of the plan went without a hitch. Break into the nearby train yard and commandeer the fastest locomotive around. Phase two was about to begin now- riding that locomotive right up against Crawford’s personal train and unleashing all hell onto it until it was no longer on the rails.

The train was flying along the tracks as fast as it would go. Michelle was getting every ounce of power possible out of the boiler and they were due to catch up to Crawford any second now.

The sound of Sandy’s biplane overhead came right on cue. The air support would be sure to come in handy during this operation.

 

 

Throughout the train, most of the Rovers were preparing themselves for the coming battle. Derryn and Tracy covered the rear, Jex took the central position and Moustachio and Harriet stood at the front.

And there it was. The Constitution. Crawford’s personal locomotive. One of the fastest trains on the tracks, the only reason the Rovers were able to catch it was the series of carriages it was hauling behind it.

Moustachio checked his revolver. Six shots, with another six in his jacket pocket. It would have to do. They didn’t have much to go around after the airship crash.

“Target sighted!”, Harriet cried from the front, and The Rovers immediately snapped to attention. Sure enough, another train could be seen ahead on the parallel rail line. As The Rover’s locomotive drew alongside, Harriet took the first shot, striking the metal nameplate with a metallic ping.

But it seemed Crawford had anticipated the chance of an attack, because his train was crawling in his own private militia of employees. Upon sighting the approaching train, they unleashed a volley of shots on it, striking a number of metal panels but thankfully none of the Rovers.

Harriet’s group returned fire, hitting a number of Crawford’s men. Moustachio landed two on a man with a bushy beard, and just missed one in a wide brim hat. But then things took a turn for the worse. There were still plenty of enemies on the train, and some of Crawford’s thugs had just uncovered a gatling gun mounted on one of the carriages.

“Get down!” Derryn yelled.

A cacophonous explosion of metal ricocheting filled their ears as bullets spewed forward in all directions. Shattered glass rained down on everyone as the windows blew out. Not much longer and the whole carriage would be riddled with bullets, and the pinned-down Rovers with it.

 

Up above Sandy could see the machine gun in action and knew she had to act quick. She lined up her flightpath with where the trains would be shortly and pointed the nose down. The plane descended as the trains got closer to Sandy’s crosshairs. A second before they reached it Sandy began to open fire, raining bullets down on the ground.

One second later, success. A number of direct hits on the train and its occupants. The men operating the gun were now in no state to do so anymore. But Sandy couldn’t celebrate just yet. First she had to get her plane back out of a collision course with the ground.

It was tight, but she managed to level the biplane and get it ascending again without skimming the treetops.

Deryn whooped with joy as Sandy’s plane flew over and took advantage of the scrambling militia on the other train, nailing one of them in the shoulder. He fell over the edge, his scream instantly being outdistanced by the speeding trains.

But then, as if summoned by the heroes’ success, Tiberius Crawford himself emerged from one of the carriages. He took aim with a large revolver and struck true. Tracy fell to the floor, clutching her shoulder as the businessman retreated back into his armoured office on wheels.

This didn’t stop Harriet from peppering Crawford’s last know position with every shot left in her gun, however. This display summoned Tiberius’s left and right hand men, who engaged The Rovers themselves in a shootout.

Moustachio, meanwhile, had taken a moment to reload his pistol, ducking down behind a thick sheet of side plating. Six more shots and that would be it. Then it’s mano y mano. He stood up and began to take aim again.

“Gangway!” came Harriet’s yell from behind him.

Moustachio turned to see Harriet running down the carriage with an RPG in hand.

“Woah, why didn’t we lead with that?”, he asked her.

“I wanted him to see my face first.”, Harriet replied. “Now cover me!”, she yelled as she grabbed the railing at the edge of the coal tender.

 

The two swung out, weapons in hand. Moustachio fired twice, striking Crawford’s left hand man in the midsection, which dislodged him from the train to fall to the ground below. The right hand, meanwhile, had been struck in the shoulder and dropped his gun. He quickly ducked behind cover.

Harriet took aim with the rocket launcher. She lined up the shot with the cabin of Crawford’s locomotive and began to pull the trigger. But the uneven ground and rocking of the train at that very moment would betray her.

Instead of striking the cabin of the train, the rocket hit the just under the smokestack, blowing a large hole in the front of the train. But it was not enough. The Constitution ploughed on, spewing black smoke out over the two trains. Harriet threw the launcher aside and ducked back inside, coughing.

Up above a low drone filled Sandy’s ears, and she realised she was not alone. Above her a huge flying wing blocked out the sun as two escort fighters spiralled down, raining shots at the biplane.

Sandy immediately dove out of the way and began furiously formulating a plan to survive.

Down below the Rovers were unaware of this development, struggling to see their opponents in the thick smoke. At least Crawford’s men seemed to be having the same trouble, as none of the bullets flying managed to hit any of Harriet’s team.

The tracks briefly drew closer together than ever, and Moustachio took the opportunity to jump across the gap before they split up again. He ducked into the carriage office to catch his breath.

It wasn’t the office Crawford was using as refuge currently, but it was definitely one of his workspaces. Moustachio’s eyes were drawn to a lightbox on one of the walls and the sketches and plans on it. A diagram of an elongated skull in particular caught his eye.

Oh no no no no no n-hang on…this might work actually.

In the skies above Sandy was fighting a losing battle. Crawford’s planes were just too fast and too manoeuvrable for her. Bullets whizzed past her face, most of them taking parts of her biplane with them.

But despite the two planes on her tail, she managed to make one final attack run on the flying wing, giving it everything she had. It worked. Black smoke began to erupt from the engines as the plane wobbled and started to lose altitude.

And that was the last thing Sandy saw, as her plane erupted into flames and fell from the sky.

Derryn saw the whole thing. She screwed her face up in despair. This would wreck Harriet.

But while the fate of Sandy was largely unbeknownst to The Rovers, the entire group saw the flying wing streak overhead trailing copious amounts of smoke- including Crawford- who swore loudly as the plane crashed a few kilometres ahead of the trains.

He and his remaining henchman had managed to pin Harriet and Jex behind a piece of metal and were unloading everything they had at anything that stuck itself out from behind the metal sheet.

This did afford Derryn, a little further down the train, an opportunity. One that she took gladly, nailing Crawford’s left-hand man straight between the eyes.

 

Realising they now had the advantage, Jex and Harriet made a push, forcing Crawford to run down the train for the cargo section. The businessman, running behind cover, got his jacket snagged on a piece of metal. Briefly immobilised, his eyes met Moustachio’s. The Australian was further down the train, but he had half a chance.

Moustachio lined up the shot. The rocking of the train made it hard to aim true. Crawford was obscured and the distance didn’t make it easy, but Moustachio still thought maybe a lucky shot could do it.

“Argh”, he grumbled. No bullets flew forward and he holstered his pistol. Crawford tore his jacket free and fully ensconced himself behind the cover.

But the priorities immediately shifted when he got a glimpse of the upcoming track: the two lines were about to merge into one.

“Oh shit.”, he mouthed.

“BRACE FOR IMPACT!” he yelled, hoping anyone could hear him. Mousachio then curled himself up into a ball and wedged himself into the space between a seat and a table. Seconds later the inevitable was upon the two trains.

Crawford’s got there a nanosecond earlier, and The Rover’s train ploughed right into it. The two locomotives derailed in a spectacular explosion of flying metal. Digging deep divots into the ground, they left a long trail of destruction before coming to rest not far from one another.

Moustachio was the first to emerge, aching all over. He ran over to the other train to find Derryn and Michelle lying on the ground. They were both bleeding and it looked like Derryn had broken her leg. Jex had begun dressing their wounds. Harriet was anxiously looking around.

“I have to get to the downed plane.” Moustachio spoke. “It was carrying what Crawford’s after. With that we can bring him where we want, and then we’ll have the upper hand. It’ll make all this worth it”

“I’m coming with you.”, Harriet said.

“No, you have to stay here and protect Michelle and Derryn. If Crawford runs past after me take the shot, otherwise stay hidden.”

“But-“

The drone of Crawford’s two planes above ended the discussion.

“Protect her”, Moustachio said, pointing to Derryn as he turned and ran.

Digging through the burning wreckage of the flying wing, Moustachio ignored the cuts and burns on his hands. He had to get the crystal skull if he wanted any chance of getting home.

Come on! It has to be here. It can’t have been destroyed.

And thankfully it wasn’t. A little sooty, but entirely intact. Moustachio grabbed it and cradled it under his arm. Wasting no time, he turned and sprinted up the stairs to the entrance to the temple, taking them two at a time.

Running through the rocky halls, he soon came across a large solid door with carvings and markings in it. He felt around the door, desperately looking for a lever or a catch or anything that would open it. He found nothing. Not even an indent for the skull he held in his hands.

Shit. This isn’t how the temple’s supposed to be. What the hell am I going to do now? Moustachio thought to himself. The answer, it turned out, was lurch forward into the door as the bullet that entered his back forced him up against the door, leaving a bloody stain.

“Arrgghh.”, he growled as he dropped the crystal skull and slid down the door a few inches. Clutching his shoulder, he turned around to see Tiberius Crawford standing there, holding a smoking stopwatch.

“I was saving that one for De Haviland, you bastard.”, he snarled.

“And I had this one saved for you!”, Moustachio said, grabbing his pistol and firing his one remaining bullet square into Crawford’s chest.

Crawford bent over in pain and fell to his knees sputtering. Moustachio gloatingly walked over to him.

“You weren’t counting them were ya?”, he sneered at his fallen foe.

But Moustachio’s overconfidence would turn out to be his weakness too. Because Moustachio had chosen to shoot Crawford right in the heart. Only the businessman didn’t have a heart anymore. Literally.

Unknown to the Rovers, Crawford had only just barely survived another attempt on his life many years ago, and that survival came at the cost of his heart. A solid metal plate now covered the clockwork machinery that pumped blood around the businessman’s body.

So while faking an injury down on the ground, Crawford has surreptitiously grabbed a handful of sand and gravel. When Moustchio got close enough the older man launched the handful right into Australian’s eyes.

The effect was immediate. Moustachio staggered backwards, clawing at his face in pain. Taking immediate advantage of this, Crawford grabbed a larger rock from the ground nearby and hurled it at Mousachio’s head.

The Australian, though unable to see 100% clearly, was still able to infer what Crawford was doing and raised his arm to block the incoming projectile. Problem was, he raised his right arm, and the bullet in his shoulder prevented him from lifting it very high.

The rock struck him on the temple, cutting his skin open. Warm blood streaked through his hair and down the right side of his face. Stunned, he tried to steady his footing while Crawford closed the distance between them.

Pulling a knife from the back of his belt, the businessman jammed it into Moustachio’s side. The Australian let out a yelp of pain but held firm. He launched his fist into the businessman’s neck and used the second of time that he was afforded to grab Crawford’s knife and bring it down towards the old man’s own neck.

But Crawford had recovered, and just managed to direct the blade down against his left shoulder, where it clattered against the metal plating. One knee to the guts later and Moustachio had dropped the knife and staggered backwards in pain.

Wiping the blood from his brow, the Australian gritted his teeth and continued to face down the evil businessman in front of him. Crawford was once again brandishing the knife and was advancing on him.

It was then that a frightening realisation struck Moustachio: he was losing this fight. Fear shot through his heart, and he began to assess his escape options. They all involved going through Crawford, who was between him and the temple entrance.

So be it, Moustachio thought dodging Crawford’s latest swipe and laying his foot right into the businessman’s stomach. As Crawford dropped the knife and stepped backwards, the Australian began to run forward, but it was this that sealed his fate.

Because, after stumbling backwards, Crawford was able to grab a candleholder from near the entrance to the room. Wasting no time he swung it straight at the head of the advancing Moustachio. The Australian wasn’t able to react in time and copped the metal bar right in his face.

El Mousachio tumbled, falling off the edge of a sinkhole and into the blackness of the pit.

Smugly satisfied, Crawford began limping over to the large door. When he got there, he pulled out a peculiar cylinder, which he put to the lips of the crystal skull and then blew into. A ghostly, high-pitched sound filled the room, and the temple began to react.

A rumbling sound joined the whistling as the door began to open before Crawford. Holding the skull tightly to his body, he advanced into the chamber beyond. A grand, ornate hall filled with crystal skeletons perched upon chairs. And one of them was missing its skull.

Crawford walked up to the headless statue and placed the crystal skull atop it. Much like in a certain movie in Moustachio’s home dimension, it jumped into place. Only this was entirely real.

A low hum filled the room as each of the statues came to life. Crawford couldn’t move anymore. To an observer it would seem as if time had stood still, but there was very much happening within that room.

The skeletons gazed forward upon Crawford, judging his worth.

The judgement was death.

An instant later Crawford was nothing but ash, and the rumbling grew louder.

Down in the depths below the temple, Moustachio was not dead yet. But he probably wasn’t going to stay that way for long. The entire thing was crumbling around him as he held on for dear life to an outcrop he had managed to grab hold of on his way down.

Moustachio struggled to lift his arm to reach the next piece of grippable rock and his hands were slick with blood. And even if he made it out of the pit, could he even get out of the temple before being crushed or bleeding to death?

Then, in an instant, Moustachio’s had a thought run through his head. It was not as articulate as an actual sentence the thought, instead being more of a dozen thoughts coalescing into a single, crystal-clear realisation.

He was, of course, referring to the V8 Interceptor replica he and Tee Bone had drove down the Highway to Hell to get to Hell in their first adventure together. Satan had sent them back home directly, so the Interceptor should still be sitting where they left it.

Well, there’s certainly one way to get there. He thought as he looked down at the black abyss below him. Express elevator to Hell. Good enough I suppose.

And so, after a moment of reflection, El Moustachio let go of the rocks and allowed gravity to take him down.

As he fell, time slowed, and the Australian began to have second thoughts. Because, of course, he had neglected to think this through properly (not that he had much of a choice regarding his options). For starters, didn’t you have to be a bad person to go to Hell?

A jolt of panic shot through him. Had he thrown away a perfectly good life helping a world advance here just for a 1 in a million shot at getting home. What if this was it. The end of his life. Buried in a pit in the middle nowhere while his soul went to realms beyond. What if there was no coming back? No going home?

Ah well, it’s not like Heaven’s a terrible place to spend the afterlife anyway. He thought to himself.

Then he hit the ground.

A few days later the surviving members of The Rovers stood at the grave they had created for Sandy. It had taken them a bit of time to find the wreckage of the plane in the jungle, but it had been worth it to give her a proper burial.

Harriet had decreed they wouldn’t make one for Harrison because she wanted to believe he had made it home.

“Did you see what flew out of the ruins of the temple?”, she asked Michelle.

Michelle, despite the occasion, could not contain her excitement.

“Oh yes, it was wondrous. Perhaps one day we can all travel like that.”

Harriet smiled.

“Sandy would have loved to.”

A moment of silence followed. In the end it was Tracy who broke the silence.

“The corporations that made up Crawford’s empire are fracturing and splintering amongst infighting. Looks like we’ll have plenty of work to do.”, she said.

“Then let’s not let Sandy’s sacrifice be in vain.” Harriet said. “We can operate out of the homestead for now until we find a suitable form of transport. Something Michelle can modify to fly.”

Michelle Lepaul, always the thinker, had an idea. An idea to mitigate the one weakness of a certain form of transport.

“How about a train?”

Many many many many miles away, in another universe completely, Tee Bone was inside Deke’s Palace trying to fight off despair. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something terrible had happened out there. But on this cold winter morning he had no leads on anything. He just had to sit here and wait.

He looked out a window at the grey sky.

Best to secure the palace windows. He thought to himself.

A storm was coming.

El Moustachio awoke in Hell with a splitting headache. His back was also pretty sore and he was aching all over.

Aware of his surroundings he reached for his gun, but it was missing. Ferryman must have taken it he thought to himself. At least he still had his jacket. Plus his gun was out of bullets anyway.

Getting to his feet he looked around. The place seemed a bit more empty than he remembered it. Something big must have been going down somewhere. Seems he picked a good time to die. He wouldn’t have much trouble getting to the V8 Interceptor replica.

And sure enough, there it was, still hidden where they had left it all those months ago. Keying the ignition, he paused for a second before revving across the planes of Hell and straight into the multiverse in a burnt umber explosion.

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Chapter 2 – Train of Consequences Part One – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (by Harrison Kopp)

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures
Chapter 2:  Train of Consequence – Part One

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By Harrison Kopp

Continued from Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures Chapter 1: Farao Way From Home

 

A lightning strike illuminated the bridge of the Kashmir, with the thunderous crash immediately after shaking the very foundations of the lead zeppelin.

That was too close. Harriet de Havilland thought to herself as she brought the massive airship portside. Knuckles white, she wrenched the wheel to the left in an attempt to keep the unwieldy aircraft out of the crosshairs of the fighter planes harrying it. A series of metal shrieks from aft informed her she had room to improve in this endeavour.

“Talk to me, people. What’s going on out there.”, she yelled over her shoulder into the airship’s intercom. A second later she added a second question to the first one.

“Jex, que se passe-t-il!” (“Jex, what’s going on!”)

“Nous avons de gros problèmes!” (“We have big problems!”), came the reply from Jex Cousteau. The Canadian soldier was about as skilled as they came, but even he was up against the odds trying to hit the small fighter planes with the large bulky guns the Kashmir had. Not to mention the almost complete lack of visibility that came from flying in a storm at night.

In the other gun turret things were a little better though.

“At least two fighters down and at least two more to go!” Jane “Sandy” Quartz cried from the port gun emplacement. The tough old woman was always a force to be reckoned with. In fact, she would have much rather been out there in her own plane taking them on head-to-head, but the stormy conditions would rip her biplane apart.

And as luck would have it, two of the searchlight operators on the Kashmir’s left bank had managed to locate one of the enemy planes and stick with it as it tried to roll out of sight. Sandy brought her guns around to line it up as it made on last futile attack run on the Kashmir. One squeeze of the trigger later and it was plummeting in pieces towards the ground below at high velocity.

“One left!”, she cried out.

“I don’t see him!” cried one of the searchlight operators.

A scream came from the right side of the airship and the accompanying searchlight dropped down limp and remained there.

“Merde!” (You should really know this one already :) ), the Frenchman in the gun turret cursed, now having only the lights of his own gun to help him pierce the darkness.

Bullets battered the hull of the Kashmir over the next minute as the final fighter assailed the airship uncontested. The aircraft was well-armoured, but it couldn’t withstand this attack forever. But there was one thing the Kashmir still had that the fighter pilot didn’t: a vexed Frenchman.

Fuel by the frustration of losing his searchlight operators, Jex decided to play by misfortune’s rules and cut the lights on his own gun. Still as a statue, he peered out into the murky darkness, scanning for one very specific sight.

Then he saw it: the muzzle flash.

“Je t’ai” (“I have you”), he confidently said, right before pulling the trigger.

The cannons hit true and split the plane into a myriad of pieces. Unfortunately for the zeppelin though, the plane had been on an attack run in very close proximity to the airship when it had been hit.

Bits of aeroplane ripped their way through the outer fuselage, striking several vital systems and causing untold destruction to the mechanical components of the airship. The craft lurched and began to sink down towards the ground.

“Why is my ship falling out of the sky!?” Harriet yelled into the intercom.

“Both engines are down!” cried Michelle LeCerveau from engineering. Hot steam was filling room up rapidly, and the inventor was forced to leave the chamber and seal off all vents to the interior. There was nothing more her or her team could do now. With both engines inoperative the chances of the Kashmir ever flying again after it hit the ground were miniscule, but if she survived the crash, she was as sure as hell going to try her best to make sure it happened

Back in the bridge Harriet was cursing up a storm, not that the one outside needed any encouragement. The rain-soaked front vieport had been difficult to see out of at the best of times, but a brief flash of lightning further away outside gave a glimpse of the surroundings.

Harriet’s eyes went wide. A massive mountain was right in the path of the airship. With nowhere to go and only the memory of a glimpse to go on she guided the nose as best she could towards what looked like a bit of flat ground by a cliffside.

“Brace for impact!” she yelled out, throwing her back against the wheel and putting her head between her knees.

Meanwhile, at approximately the imminent point of impact, one El Moustachio stood, looking out at the oncoming zeppelin. Though visibility was obscured, he had been able to see that the giant aircraft was coming right for him.

Turning on his heels, he sprinted to the side in an attempt to get out of the way of the falling zeppelin. He spied a ridge not far away that he could take cover behind and ran as fast as he could.

Almost there.

The thundering of the falling metal got louder.

Just a few more meters.

He jumped the ridge just as the aircraft hit the mountain, metal shrieking as parts contorted into unnatural shapes they were never meant to be in. The airship tore a deep gouge in the rock as it slowed to a stop just before the edge of the cliffside.

The zeppelin had barely come to a stop before Moustachio began sprinting back towards it. If there was a chance of survivors, he was going to do everything he could to help them. Luckily there didn’t appear to be any fire anywhere.

Reaching one of the doors, he just about wrenched it off its hinges getting it open.

“Is anyone alive in there! There’s an exit here!”, he yelled into the hatch.

A minute later a small number of people exited. It was fewer people than he would have liked to see, but it was better than nothing. He was helping carry the wounded away as the last few people exited the Kashmir. 

Harriet was among them, in conversation with one of the crew members. The instant she spotted a man she didn’t recognise (Moustachio) she drew her pistol in an instant and levelled it at his chest.

“Who are you!? How did you get here!?”, she yelled.

“Woah woah woah.” Moustachio replied, raising his hands and backing up slowly. “I’m not from around here. I just got here and I just want to help.”

“Like hell you do. Talk now.”

“My name is Harrison Holden. I’m not from around here. I’m only just got here and I’m just looking for a way to get home.”

“Not from around here?”, Harriet asked. “Then where are you from and why are you here?”

“Look.”, Moustachio calmly said “This is going to sound crazy, but I’m from…another universe.”

Most of the people around looked at Moustachio like he had just sprouted a second head from his left knee.

“What! You expect us to believe that?”, Harriet scoffed. “Sandy, do you buy this crock?”

“I don’t think he’s a spy.” Sandy mused. “I don’t think a spy wouldn’t risk everything on such a ridiculous cover story. But then again, maybe he knows that.”

“Fair points.”, Harriet replied. “Et vous Jex, tu penses qu’il pourrait être un espion?” (“And you Jex, do you think he might be a spy?”)

“Non. Cette moustache est très digne de confiance” (No, that moustache is very trustworthy.”), the Frenchman replied.

“Alright then.”, she said, addressing Moustachio and holstering the pistol. “It seems there might be a place for you with us if you want. I can’t guarantee we’ll ever be able to get you home, but we’ll certainly help people.”

“That will be enough for now.”, Moustachio replied, happy to be in the presence of people who weren’t trying to kill him anymore.

Harriet gestured to her compatriots nearby.

“This is Sandy. She’s our repository of wisdom.”

“I’m not that old!”, Sandy replied. “Don’t listen to her. I ‘m still a better fighter than her anyway.”

“Yeah well, we never got to finish that one now did we? I’d have had you in the second half.”

Sandy rolled her eyes.

“And this is Jex.” Harriet continued. “He’s a Canadian soldier giving us a hand. He’s technically on an “extended” shore leave so don’t go shouting his name out to all and sundry. Oh, and one more thing, you don’t happen to speak any French, do you?”

“Je parle en peu de français. (“I speak a bit of French”)”, Moustachio replied. “Mais je pense que j’ai oublié la plupart de mes connaissances de la langue, malheureusement” (“But I think I have forgotten the majority of my knowledge of the language, unfortunately”).

“I think you’ll manage alright.” She said with a smile. “Now let’s get a move on. We’re going to fall behind schedule any minute now.”

“Right.” Sandy said. “Jex and I will get everything we can carry from the aft cargo hold and then help get the horses saddled up.”

“Good idea.” Harriet replied. “Harrison, you’re with me. I need to fill you in on a few more things.”

 

“We’re called The Rovers”, Harriet explained as she and Moustachio walked through the innards of the airship. “We’re a group of mercenaries, misfits and Canadians dedicated to stopping the unchecked rampages of those who abuse their positions and power. Our current target is a vile business magnate called Tiberious Crawford who has been assembling himself a monopolous conglomerate of the entirety of Canadian industry through some very hostile takeovers.”

“I presume it was him that shot you down?”

“Yes, he has a bit of a private army of his own, including now, apparently, an airbase too. Anyway, this way, there’s someone you need to meet.”

The two had reached the engineering room, which in the time since the crash had been vented and now had several engineers climbing around the room with a variety of tools in hand.

“Harrison, this is Michelle LeCerveau, our resident brainiac.”, Harriet said gesturing to a woman who had taken a wrench to a very large pipe.

“A pleasure to meet you.”, she said, standing up and extending a grease-covered hand forward.

“Harrison Holden, at your service.”, replied the Australian.

“Good. Hold this.”, Michelle said, dumping a sooty pressure valve into his hands.

“How bad’s the damage?”, Harriet asked softly.

Michelle’s face fell.

“I’m so sorry but it just won’t ever be feasible to even try to repair it. We’re just salvaging the most valuable components now.”

In an instant Harriet’s demeanour changed. With a tortured cry she punched a nearby pipe, cracking it open and receiving a faceful of steam for her trouble.

Wordlessly she turned on her heels and stalked back up the hallway. After a brief pause, Moustachio followed behind her.

The two moved towards the front of the airship in a silence only occasionally punctuated by the hissing discharge of steam from one of the many pipes running under and overhead.

“I need a minute alone in my cabin.”, Harriet said weakly when they came upon a certain door. “The bridge is just up there. There are a few things we need to grab from it.”

Moustachio nodded and continued on through the hallway. Half a minute later he walked onto the bridge of the zeppelin. It was housed in the very front section, with the massive forward viewport looking out onto the valley behind where he had entered the universe. The sun had just begun to rise and light up the sky in a spectacular orange showcase.

Moustachio slowly walked up to the window and looked out. While it had only been a day or two since he had last been at home in Australia, it had felt like an eternity. He took a moment to take in and enjoy the peace.

“They’re so beautiful aren’t they”, came Sandy’s voice from behind Moustachio.

“Yes, it’s been too long since I’ve seen a sunrise.”, Moustachio replied as she came up alongside him. “Sometimes I wish I could just fly high, like a bird in the sky. Like an eagle. All your problems seem so small from up here”, Moustachio continued, his voice trailing off slightly.

“But they’re still there, you just don’t notice them until they’re bigger.” Sandy replied with a weak smile. “But don’t worry, I know that feeling. We’ll get you flying in a jiffy.”

Harriet had caught up with the two and had entered the bridge with a box of assorted items under her arm.

“Not in this ship anymore, I’m afraid.”

The two turned around to face her.

“Oh no.”, Sandy cried. “Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid.” Harriet sadly replied. “Your plane survived with only a few snapped strings though. They’re fixing it up now as we speak.”

“That’s a relief, but it’s a small consolation in the grand scheme of things.”, Sandy said.

“Well, we have to take the small victories when they come. Anyway, they’ll be ready to set off any minute now so we’d better get going.”

Apparently there had been an entire stable somewhere on the airship, because there were now four horses hitched to a couple of carts outside The Kashmir. The surviving crew members had loaded everything they could fit onto them and were now perched atop them awaiting the green light to set off.

Harriet was the last person to need to get on. She was leaning against Sandy’s biplane as the latter woman conducted her pre-flight checks.

“Is there going to be enough room to take off?”, Harriet asked concerningly.

“Oh yeah. The cliff face drops straight down. I can throw this thing off the edge and have enough lift long before I hit the ground.”

“Alright”, Harriet said. “We’ll meet you there then.”

“You can count on it”, Sandy replied, pulling her goggles down over her eyes and firing up the engine.

Harriet jogged back to the carts and mounted one of the horses.

“Alright people, let’s move out!”

And so The Rovers began their slow descent down the rocky mountain path and into the valley.

The trip through the countryside took most of the day but was largely uneventful. Moustachio enjoyed the chance to slow down a bit and enjoy the trek through nature.

“So what is your universe like then?”, Harriet asked Harrison when the company stopped for lunch.

“Much like this one. A lot of the countries are same. A lot of the people too. I think I knew you guys in my home universe.”

“Wow, really!”, Harriet said. “What are we like?”

“Well, you guys are…well.. guys to be honest.”, Moustachio replied. “. Michelle’s guy is really smart. We call him The Brainiac. Jane goes by the name John Snow.”

Harriet snickered. Sandy hated winter.

“And what about me?”, she continued.

“I think we’re actually counterparts to be honest.”, Moustachio stated. It would make sense.

“Good thing I didn’t shoot you then.”, Harriet chuckled.

“I agree, though I may have a vested interest in that regard. I haven’t met anyone who I could say Jex is though. But he makes me excited to see who I’ll have in my universe to call Jex and to call my friend.”

“And what sort of technology do you have back in your home?”, Michelle asked.

“Oh, you’d love it. We’ve advanced about 80 years past where you are now. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff we have. We’ve even had people walk on the moon”, Moustachio said.

Michelle’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates.

“Tell me tell me tell me!”, she begged Moustachio.

“All in good time.”, Harriet said. “We’ve got a mission to focus on here first. Which reminds me- Harrison, how good are you with a gun?”

“I’ve shot them a few times. I’d say I’m probably a little better than the next man, but by no means an expert.”, Moustachio replied.

“That’s a good start.”, Harriet said, passing Moustachio a silver revolver. “We’ll give you a little refresher when we get to our destination.”

Moustachio rolled the weapon around in his hand. It was weighty but fit in his hand well. He hadn’t made a habit of using guns as part of his arsenal, but he wasn’t going to pass one up.

When in Rome. He thought to himself as he holstered the pistol and the group set off again. No sense in handicapping oneself if you didn’t have to.

After a few more enquiries about Moustachio’s universe of origin, the group set off again.

It was early evening, and the sun was setting as The Rovers arrived at their destination. It was a sizable homestead on a large plot of land. Sandy’s biplane could be seen parked in one of the nearby fields.

As they group got closer the door to the building was thrown open and out ran a very anxious Deryn Williamson, shortly followed by a similarly agitated Tracy Erikson and more relaxed Sandy.

“Oh thank god.”, Deryn said. “When Sandy said you’d crashed in the mountains I was so worried. Plus you could have missed the rendezvous.”

“We made good time thankfully.”, Harriet replied, shaking Deryn’s hand. “We just won’t have that extra day to rest and plan.”

“When have any of our plans ever gone to plan anyway?”, Sandy asked from behind Derryn.

“Quiet you.”, Harriet said with a smirk. “This one’s a good one.”

“If by ‘good’ you mean ‘crazy’, then yes.”, Tracy chimed in.

“Well fortune does favour the bold.”, Deryn said. “Come on in. Dinner’s almost ready and there’s plenty to go around.”

Moustachio and the others gathered inside the old house and sat down in an old dining room. It had been a little while since he’d sat down inside for a proper meal and he was starving. The banquet before him was the best thing he’d seen in a long time.

As the group ate, they regaled each other with stories of their latest exploits. Tales of betrayal and of love. Of victory and tragedy. Of history and dreams. By the time Moustachio turned in for the night he had a pretty good grasp of the recent history of his new home.

As he settled into a bed for the night, he thought of his friends back home. How he wished he could see them again. They would have loved to meet The Rovers.

Later that night, Sandy and Harriet were speaking in hushed whispers at the bottom of one of the staircases.

“Are you sure about this? I thought you didn’t trust him. Now you’ve given him a gun and told him our plan.”, Sandy said.

“I thought about it. There’s no way anyone could have predicted where we were going to be shot down and on what day. He has to be telling the truth. And if a spy’s good enough predict all that and gamble it on such an outlandish story, then they’re going to get us no matter what we try.”

Sandy was somewhat mollified by this. It was the same as her reasoning earlier anyway.

“Alright. Then we’d better get some sleep. Big day tomorrow.”

To be continued…

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Snowman’s Gambit

Continued from Return of the Snowman

There he stood, in the flesh! John T. Snow had returned from whence he came, through a bright orange multiversal portal. He looked exactly the same as the day he vanished. Meanwhile, his friends in the Writer’s Room all had dark circles under their eyes from sheer worry. But worry no more, now that the Snowman was back! All their troubles were now over.

“Snowman!” shouted Mike as he ran in for an embrace. “What happened?”

Everyone crowded around John Snow. Harrison, Aaron and the 80s Metal Man all bore down for hugs.

“Easy guys! I haven’t been gone that long!” laughed the Snowman amidst the hugs.

“You were gone three weeks man!” answered Aaron. “We were worried sick!”

“That we were,” continued the 80s Metal Man. “We were having a meeting about it just now. The police considered us all suspects in your disappearance.”

“And I’m already on the phone with them,” concluded Harrison. “I’m glad I’m not going to prison for a crime I didn’t commit.”

“You’re from a colony of prisoners!” joked Holen from his Zoom monitor. “I’m just kidding. Welcome back Snowman!”

“Thanks Holen! What did I miss?” said Snow as he took his corner seat at the Writer’s Table.

“You missed a lot…you’re just going to sit and continue where you left off?” asked Mike incredulously.

“I’ve only been gone 10 minutes,” said Snow. “By my time, anyway. See?” Snow showed his phone to everyone. Indeed, the time and date were only 10 minutes off from when he disappeared. “Now hand me some Simmons cola! Let’s get writing!”

“Not yet!” said the first cop entering the room. “We have some questions here for Mr. Houdini! How the hell did you get back in this room?”

“Officers, we will let you have the room to complete your investigation. We’ll be waiting outside.” Mike, Aaron, Harrison and Metal Man all filed out of the room and waited patiently for the police to finish their investigation and clear them of any wrongdoing.

It was several hours, and the writers were all tired when the police finally emerged from the room. The head cop went to talk to Mike.

“He’s not talking,” said the cop. “Nothing but gibberish about a portal, and having drinks with Elvis Presley, Bruce Lee and Liberace before returning. That’s all we can get out of him. Fortunately for you, the missing persons case is now closed. You are in the clear…but we will be keeping a close eye on the Writer’s Room. Good day sir.”

With that, the police were on their way out while the writers returned to the table. Snowman was sitting there sipping on a Simmons cola, with a huge smile on his face.

“John…” asked Mike as he took his seat. “Are you going to tell us what happened?”

“What did the cops tell you?” asked John as he sipped. “That I had drinks with Elvis, Liberace and Bruce Lee on a beach somewhere?”

“That’s exactly what they told us,” answered Aaron, “Which I don’t need to tell you is impossible.”

“Well, that’s where I was! The multiverse is great!” answered John. “And it’s all real!”

Harrison harrumphed. “I return to my point from our last meeting. It’s time to shut the Adventures of Tee Bone Man down. This is getting out of hand.”

80s Metal Man urged caution. “I advise we continue,” he said. “We have no evidence that anything bad has happened to anyone.”

“I don’t know about that,” said Holen from his monitor. “The reports I’m reading on the Dark Web indicate these portals are still opening all over the world.”

“But there’s no evidence that anything is connected to us,” countered the Metal Man.

“I’d say it’s too big to be a coincidence. Orange portals, just like in our stories? What harm can come from us stopping?” asked Aaron.

“Oh, we can’t stop!” said John Snow. “It’s too much fun to stop! We have to keep writing, and writing, and writing until the very end!”

“I call a vote,” said Mike as he stood. “There are six of us. In the case of a tie, I will be the deciding vote.” He then turned to look at the stoic Harrison. “Your vote, Harrison?”

“Shut it down,” he answered.

“I vote to shut it down as well,” answered Aaron.

“I still advise caution,” said the Metal Man. “Let’s keep going, I don’t believe there is any harm in us continuing.”

“I say shut it down,” said Holen from the monitors. “The portal reports worldwide are growing.”

“And I say let’s goooooooo!” screamed the Snowman. “I have so many ideas! We should be writing right now, not debating!”

Mike placed his head in his hands. He was hoping to avoid deciding this vote himself.

“I guess it’s my call. I really…I guess I don’t see any harm in continuing the story. It’s just words. I can’t explain what happened, but I also don’t think it’s connected to Tee Bone Man. If anything it’s a coincidence. Let’s continue.”

“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Harrison, “but very well. Who has the next story idea?”

“I do!!” screamed John T. Snow. “I have the best idea!”

“OK, well, out with it Snowman,” said Mike. “Let’s change the mood at this table and start getting creative.”

“Here’s my idea!” screamed John. “Remember how we killed off Brainiac and Edie Van Heelin’ last year?”

“Yeah…” said Mike cautiously. “Best story arc from the Squirrel Saga was killing off those two characters. But we did that, due to California Girl quitting our story, and my feelings towards her. We had a reason to kill them both, to get that mess behind us.”

“Right!” said Snow. “And you yourself told me you think the current Multiverse Saga is getting messy and hard to follow, right?”

“I did say that once or twice,” answered Mike. “But I think we have a handle on it now.”

“Here’s my idea,” continued an enthusiastic Snow. “I say…we kill off Tee Bone Man next!”

Harrison stood. “We can’t! He’s our main character!”

“We have plenty of main characters!” screamed Snow. “You have a whole team of them, and you already killed off two of the biggest ones! Let’s kill Tee Bone Man! Let’s do it! Nobody can stop us from doing it!”

80s Metal Man responded. “I honestly don’t know why you want to kill our main character. Are you feeling OK, John? You seem different since returning.”

John T. Snow reacted with a huge laugh. “Of course I seem different! I just met Elvis! And loads of other characters too!” He scratched a spot on the back of his head repeatedly. “I just know it’s a great idea! Sales will go up double per issue, I guarantee it! It’s a comic book classic gimmick! Kill Tee Bone Man! Let’s do it!”

Aaron looked befuddled next to John. He couldn’t help but notice Snowman scratching the spot on his head. He stood to speak.

“I know some of us are bursting with creative energy right now,” said Aaron. “And that’s great. But I think we should call it a day, and re-convene another day. The rest of us here are clearly exhausted. Let’s not do anything until we’re all feeling rested.”

“I agree,” said Mike. “John, head home to your family. The rest of us will do the same. We’ll talk later.”

Everyone stood and hugged John. They filed out of the room one by one, each on his way back home. Everyone but Mike. He sat alone in the silent room.

“I have a bad feeling about this too,” he sighed. “Why does he want us to kill off Tee Bone Man? I don’t understand. It’s almost as if…” he paused. The next thought was too ridiculous to entertain. “It’s almost as if…someone wants Tee Bone Man to lose.”

Mike stood to leave.

“But who would want that?”

Somewhere out in the vast multiverse, a mechanical planet glowed in the cosmic background. A planet made of metal.

“But who would want Tee Bone Man to lose?”

Mike’s words echoed through the portals of time, down to the mechanical planet below.

“I would…” came a deep, throbbing voice. “I would like that very much…”

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

Noirison: Chapter Two – A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story (by Holen)

NOIRISON: Chapter One

A Tee Bone Man Multiverse Story

By Holen

 

I woke up to a piercing brightness. Artificial brightness. I sat up slowly, but felt cold steel tug me back down at the wrist. I rubbed my eyes with my free hand, and everything started to focus. I was in a hospital room, handcuffed to the bed. My old boss, Captain Mike Ladano, was sitting by the bed casually sipping a cup of what smelled like third rate coffee.

“Harrison. About damn time,” Ladano exclaimed, “happy to see me?” He rose from his chair and stood over me.

“Yeah. Seeing you in the morning gives me warm and fuzzy feelings. Like the good old days.”

“Morning?” he said incredulously. “You’ve been out for about fourteen hours, sport. It’s eight at night.”

A cursory glance at the clock, and the darkness out the window told me he wasn’t yanking my chain. I tugged at the handcuffs.

“Some new law about getting assaulted that I don’t know about?” I quipped.

“You’re a private dick now, Healey. Shouldn’t you know if there was some law like that on the books?”

“Cut the shit, Ladano. It’s been a long day or two.”

Mike displayed a twisted grin. He always got a kick out of me breaking his balls, because he knew that he was the one that ultimately held all the power in our relationship. He took a perverse pleasure in it.

“There’s no law about getting assaulted, but there’s an old one about being an accomplice to kidnapping. It’s typically frowned upon by polite society,” he revealed.

“Kidnapping? What are you going on about?”

He picked up a manilla envelope from the chair, pulled out a photo, and tossed it on my stomach. It was the picture of Savannah that Snow had given me back at his office.

“Savannah Severny. 18 years old. Of course you already knew that, didn’t you?”

“Get to the point,” I urged.

“A witness saw her being dragged into a van by some brute around 4 am this morning. No one’s seen her or heard anything since. We showed up and found you lying in the parking lot with a busted head, and a picture that fits the witness’ description of the victim in your jacket.”

“You searched me while I was out?” I asked indignantly.

“Just doin’ my job, Healey. It was suspicious looking, you have to admit. I did a thorough search of your body. Mine’s bigger by the way.”

“What?” I was taken aback.

He pulled out my .45 and threw it on the bed.

“My gun. It’s bigger. More firepower,” he taunted. He reached into his pocket and came up with a key. He freed me of the handcuffs, and I rubbed my sore wrist instinctively.

Cutting to the chase, he blurted, “Look, I didn’t come here to compare pricks. We both know who would come out on top anyway. I know you didn’t have nothin’ to do with that kidnapping, but I needed to keep you here so I could ask you something. What the fuck is going on?”

“If I find out, you’ll be the first to know.”

Mike grew impatient, “Don’t give me that bullshit, Harrison. You did the best investigative police work on the force. I don’t buy for a second you don’t know shit about this girl, you Aussie bastard!”

“Look, I just got hired to find her last night,” I stated.

“You get hired to find her and then she really disappears? Ironic. Who’s the client?” he asked.

“I’m not at liberty to discuss that. You know I’m bound by confidentiality,” I reminded him. Clearly not what he wanted to hear, he hastily charged over to the bed and grabbed me by the shirt.

“Fuck confidentiality you dingo dicked dickhead! There’s an 18 year old out there missing! Her family hasn’t heard from her in months, and the first news they get is that she’s missing! What do you know you koala humping fuck bag? Who the fuck wanted you to find her, and why?”

“For Christ’s sake, Mike. She’s just two-bit a whore!” I yelled.

Bang. A swift smack upside the head. I saw stars. That’d be the third time I had my bell rung in under twenty four hours. My skull had to resemble the Liberty Bell at this point. I looked up at Mike, and saw the fire in his eyes dissipate. He looked down at his hand, appearing ashamed. He gently let go of me.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. He turned away.

“Me too,” I assured him. I had spoken out of turn. I’d forgotten about his first case as head detective years ago. It concerned a blonde that looked a lot like Savannah. She ran out on her folks at 17, got mixed up with the wrong people, and OD’d on horse at age 19. He called in to respond to her overdose. The years hadn’t jaded him enough to be completely numb to such a thing yet. He roughed up the paramedics at the scene, kept injecting adrenaline into her, but it was too late. He almost lost his badge that day for behavior unbecoming of an officer, but the Chief cut him some slack considering the circumstances. Ladano had never been the same since. These days he looked like something that had been rode hard and put away wet. This Savannah case had to hit close to home for him. He slowly turned back to me.

“You really don’t know anything?” he sighed.

“She was in the middle of shooting a movie,” I offered. “That’s all I can really say at this point.”

“Skin flick?” he asked.

“No, I don’t think so. It was for a big production company. Now that’s really all I can say. I shouldn’t even be telling you that, and you didn’t hear it from me.”

“Gotcha. Thanks for your cooperation.”

“Next time don’t cuff me to the bed like street scum if you wanna talk,” I said sarcastically, “just stop by the office. Why do people seem to be so averse to that?”

Ladano half-heartedly chuckled. He walked over to the door, but turned back around for one more wisecrack.

“What the hell happened to you, Healey? If you’d have kept your nose clean, you’d be in my position now. Now look at you.”

“I think I’m doin’ alright, all things considered,” I retorted, “I never was good at respecting the pecking order. Being my own boss was the only way to go.”

“Is that so?” he replied.

“Gives me the freedom to do what I need to for justice without the accountability,” I admitted.

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that,” he grinned. “Take care, Harrison.” He walked out as I saw his silhouette disappear down the hall. Just as soon as he left, a voluptuous nurse strutted in the door carrying a tray of pills. She was a stunningly beautiful Hispanic woman, effortlessly iridescent.

“Ah, Mr. Healey. How long have you been awake?”

“Long enough to hope those pills could put a horse out. I’ve got a high tolerance,” I confessed.

“Do you have a history of drug or alcohol abuse?” she asked with concern.

“Not if it keeps you from giving me those pain pills,” I joked. I winced in pain as a sharp sensation shot through my brain. “Come on, lady. My head feels like someone’s driving a spike through it.”

She gave me a glance like a stern librarian, the naughty kind. I flashed her a facetious pleading look of helplessness. With my face, it was irresistible. She grinned, rolled her eyes, and handed me the pills.

“Thank you,” I gratefully said. I popped the two pills into my mouth, downed the small cup of water, and stood up from the bed. “You got anything that will keep me awake on these things? I need to be sharp.” She sensually placed her hands on my chest, motioning for me to lie back down.

“I’m not a dealer, Mr. Healey. Now please, lie down.”

“I have a job to do. A young girl’s life may be in jeopardy,” I said stoically. “Guess I’ll have to get some uppers on the street.”

“That’s not funny,” she said, retracting her hands.

“You’re right. I guess I’ve used up all my good will here. I’ll be checking out now.”

“That’s inadvisable in your condition, Mr. Healey,” she warned.

“I’ve been worse. Trust me,” I assured her.

I began to leave the room, each step making all my muscles ache in tandem. I hoped those pills would kick in soon. Just as I was about to reach the hall, I turned around to look at the nurse one last time.

“I’ll look you up sometime,” I wryly promised. Her disappointed expression turned to one of erotic amusement.

“What makes you think I want you to?” she teased.

“What makes you think I care if you do?” I jested. The air seemed to moisten almost instantly. The woman had become a human humidifier.

She ripped off a piece of paper from my chart, produced a pen, scribbled on it, and then seductively strolled over to me, placing her body centimeters from mine, her feminine pheromones massaging my nostrils. She slowly placed the piece of paper in the front pocket of my pants, brushing her hand slowly against my inner leg as she pulled out.

“My name’s Milena. Call me sometime, Mr. Healey,” she whispered.

“Call me Harrison, and I’ll give you a ring when I’m free,” I cooly replied.

I winked and left the room. I heard her try to hide a groan when I had made some distance down the hall. I’d have to remember to call her when I was finished with the case. The way business had been before it, I figured I’d have plenty of time to do so. Of course, the way business had been during this case, it was more likely I’d be her patient again before I had the chance. That wasn’t important though. Savannah was out there somewhere, afraid, having who knows what done to her.

The lady at the desk stopped me and gave me a message. Someone had called for me here. There was no name, just a number. I had a pretty good idea who it was, but how did he know where I was?

I headed downstairs to a payphone and dialed the number. It rang once, and before I had a chance to say anything, Snow was already asking questions.

“Mr. Healey. Have you made any progress?”

“I got another concussion,” I joked.

“Most unfortunate, but I mean in Savannah’s case,” he said, unamused.

“She’s been kidnapped,” I informed him.

“What? That’s horrible! When?” he panicked.

“Last night. She was working at some strip joint, and a big guy threw her in a van when she got off. Nobody’s heard anything since,” I relayed.

“Is there a ransom demand? If there’s a ransom demand, tell them I’ll pay it. Whatever it takes to get her back, I’ll do it!” he exclaimed.

“Take a breath, Snow. I said nobody’s heard anything. And you don’t kidnap a stripper for ransom money. Unless somehow they knew she was connected with you,” I realized as I spoke. “What’s the nature of your relationship with Savannah? Clearly she’s not just another actress to you. What’s going on?”

“I don’t think that’s relevant to your case, Mr. Healey,” Snow curtly rebutted.

“That’s for me to decide, Snow. I’m the P.I., remember?” I reminded him.

“Call me when you have something, Healey,” he spat, hanging up. Rich bastard. This case was starting to stink worse than closing time at a 12 hour fish market. I needed to find Savannah, fast. Problem being, I was fresh out of leads. I decided to head back to the strip joint for a chat with the owner and a few of her pole dancing companions. This time, I was going to be extra vigilant. I wasn’t sure how much more pressure my noggin could sustain in such a short period of time. Luckily, my .45 usually kept even the most violence prone individuals civil enough for a brief discussion. I signed out of the hospital, walked out the doors, felt the cool January air on my skin, and began my walk to the strip joint. My muscles didn’t ache with my steps anymore. Pills must be kickin’ in. Hallelujah.

TO BE CONTINUED…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

The Writer’s Room: Return of the Snowman

Continued from The Writer’s Room:  New Year’s Grieve!

 

“Hey guys,” said Mike as he entered the Writer’s Room.  The sullen faces of Harrison, Aaron, and the Metal Man looked back at him.  Missing, however, was their companion John Snow.  How should Mike begin?

“How should I begin?” he asked rhetorically.  “Last time we all met up, our friend John T. Snow was kidnapped through a multiversal portal.  You all saw it.  It was like our stories come to life.”

There was muttering around the table.  Troubled muttering from the smaller group of friends.  It was Harrison who brought the table to order.

“I don’t understand,” he said with unusual worry in his voice.  “It was as if my own Lego art had come to life.  The orange portal.  It opened right behind John.  Then I saw a pair of hands snatch him away as he screamed for help.”

“I saw it too,” said Aaron.  “I still can’t believe my eyes.”

“Nor I mine,” agreed the Metal Man.  “I am worried about the fabric of our reality.”

“What’s the latest report from the police?” asked Harrison of Mike.

“Where do I begin…again?” signed Mike.  “Both Canadian and American police forces are still looking at all of us as suspects.  They have the video footage from Holen’s webcam.  They all saw what happened.  They just don’t believe it.  And I can’t blame them.  To them, all they know is an American citizen walked into this room and never walked out.  And we were the only people to witness it.”

As if on cue, Holen’s monitor came to life.  As usual, his image was distorted and noisy, but that only added to his sense of mystique.

“Hey guys,” he greeted the table.  “Sorry I’m late.  I’ve been working and I have news.”

“Holen, thank goodness, please, tell us,” said Mike to the screen.

“Well,” began Holen, “I have done some digging around the Dark Web, and I can tell you something very interesting.  These orange portals…it was not an isolated incident.  There are 14 reports from 11 different countries, of similar phenomenon.  A bright, orange, circular portal opens and someone or something emerges from the other side.  Now, this is where the reports start to differ wildly and we must be scrutinous.  Some people reported robots coming through.  Others saw Satan himself.  One guy claimed that Elvis, Bruce Lee and Liberace were on the other side, drinking margaritas.  I think we can discount that one.  But here’s the thing guys.  Five of the reports could be interpreted to include characters from our stories.  I’m not kidding.”

There were gasps.  A few jaws on the floor.

“Go on Holen.  Which characters?” asked Metal Man.

“Satan is one.  The robot is two – relating to a story that Harrison and Mike are writing.  Tommy Lee appears in one report, that’s three.  A monster resembling our parademons was sketched by another witness.  And finally…finally…”  Holen paused.  “Well, see for yourself.”  Holen put the image from the report on the screen.

“That’s…that’s…” said Mike in awe.

“Yes.  It is.  A clean-shaven Harrison Kopp,” finished Holen.  “Just like our character of Shinzon.  A character we invented.  Or rather, a character Mike invented.  And now here he is in a portal report from, you guessed it, Australia.”

“Impossible!” said Mike, pounding his fist on the table in frustration.  “Impossible!”

“But there it is,” said a solemn Holen.

The usual stoic Harrison was rattled.  He was clearly shaken by the image before him.  He hadn’t seen himself clean shaven since he was a child.  He hardly recognized himself…but he did.

“I elect we shut down the Adventures of Tee Bone Man immediately,” said Harrison, very quietly.  “This has gotten out of hand.  We are meddling with powers greater than that dreamed of in our philosophy.  If what we are writing becomes real…well, it’s all over.”

Mike turned white as a ghost.

“Harrison…it’s not real.  He’s not real.  The Eater of Worlds.  He’s not real,” cautioned Mike.

“But what if he is?” asked Harrison without a hint of rhetoric.  “We have to consider the possible.”

Aaron raised his hands.  “Excuse me.  Who’s the Eater of Worlds?”

“He’s the Big Bad at the end of the Multiverse Saga of Tee Bone Man,” answered Mike.  “We stole a character from another franchise to be our villain behind everything.”

“Like Galactus?” asked Aaron.

“Like Galactus, yes,” answered Mike.  “But he’s not real.  He’s a character they invented back in the mid-80’s to sell toys to kids.  He’s not real!”

“But if he was…” said Harrison in the most ominous voice anyone had ever heard from him, “…he would be our ultimate doom.”

Mike got a shiver up his back.  But it was impossible.  They were just a group of friends, making up a story.  None of it was real.  In real life, Tee Bone was just a guy, a nice guy who didn’t fly or battle dragons.  John T. Snow…was just a guy who collected music; he wasn’t an eccentric billionaire.  How could these characters they were writing about be appearing in real life places?

Metal Man spoke in a calm, rational voice.  “It could be these are all just coincidences.  I think for now, we should discount them, and return our focus to the search for John Snow.  Has anyone resembling him or Richard Dreyfuss appeared in your searches, Holen?”

“I hadn’t thought of searching for Dreyfuss sightings.  Let me run a few keywords,” said the image on the monitor.

Aaron sat silent, solemnly waiting.  Not a single “Wahoo!” or “Give’r!” from him this time.  He then spoke.  “I have to be honest, I’m more worried about John than I am of the suspicious cops, thinking we did it.  We didn’t, and there’s no evidence.  We’ll be fine.  But John…I saw him disappear!  Before my eyes!  I’ve never seen anything like it and I hope he’s OK.”

Suddenly Holen spoke.  “Guys…we just had a Dreyfuss sighting.”  Holen pointed from his screen, to a point behind the men sitting at the table.  They all turned, and looked.

“Hi guys,” said a voice as a man stepped out of an orange portal.  “I’m back!”

The Richard Dreyfuss lookalike waved and smiled.  The orange portal closed behind.  John T. Snow was back!

TO BE CONTINUED…

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

 

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

Deep Black Rainbow – The Full Concert by 80sMetalMan, from the Adventures of Tee Bone Man

On New Year’s Eve, Tee Bone Man hosted his amazing concert featuring the denizens of Rock Heaven.  John T. Snow, Harrison Kopp, Aaron KMA, 80sMetalMan and I all contributed a set to the story.  (Holen tried, but was unable to finish.)

It can now be said:  80sMetalMan was so into this story, that he wrote six pages!  This would not work in the context of Tee Bone Man’s chapter with all the writers involved.  We needed a story with reasonably equal sections from each writer.

Undaunted, the MetalMan edited down his section for the story.  However, the full expanded text is now available at his WordPress site!

Thank you to the MetalMan for your contributions to Tee Bone Man over the last two years!  Check out his expanded concert set.  It’s pretty awesome.

Tee Bone Man stories by 80sMetalMan: