THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN CHAPTER TEN: THE CASE OF THE LOST IRON MAIDEN SOCKS
Tee Bone Man and Superdekes pulled into the garage of Deke’s Palace having just seen Iron Maiden in Toronto.
“Wicked concert eh pal?” said Deke to his best friend.
“Best concert yet man!” answered Tee Bone Man.
“When Dickinson shot those flamethrowers from his hands in ‘Flight of Icarus’, I did not see that coming,” responded Superdekes.
“And how about those Maiden socks that I bought at the concession stand?” asked Tee Bone. “Best part of the trip in my opinion!”
Deke laughed. “Yeah man! Glad you got them. Remember that bald guy we met at the concession stands, Aaron?”
“Yeah! The tall guy from Owen Sound with the deep voice,” recalled Tee Bone.
“He said something about not buying merch from that one vendor, but I don’t know why. He had the best prices at the concert,” said Deke. “Must be a Southern Ontario thing.”
Tee Bone nodded in agreement.
The pair began unpacking their bags. Tee Bone found his precious Iron Maiden socks, and held them up to get a good look. Eddie’s eyes gleamed in red thread. Tee Bone smiled a wide smile. “Best socks ever!” he said to Dekes. Deke shrugged. Whatever made him happy! Tee Bone sat down, removed his shoes and socks, and put on his new Maiden pair. “Ahhhh!” he moaned in comfort as he stretched his feet out in front of him. “So comfortable!”
“It is hard to find good socks in Thunder Bay. Hey, I got an idea,” said Superdekes trying to change the subject. “How about some Scotch on the rocks?”
“That sounds like an excellent idea!” Tee Bone exclaimed in response. And so their night had just begun, for no-one could tie one on like Tee Bone and Superdekes. As usual the evening began with a clink of glasses and ended with two blacked out adult men, passed out in the basement of Deke’s Palace.
With a gaping wide yawn, Tee Bone Man awoke from his alcohol induced slumber. He opened his eyes and looked around him. There was his best friend Deke on the airchair, sleeping with his glasses still on his face. Next to him on the end table was an empty bottle of Scotch (the good stuff) and several empty glasses. Tee Bone blinked and rubbed his eyes trying to get them to focus. Man, he got hammered last night.
Tee Bone checked to make sure all his limbs were still intact. Fingers and toes were functional. As he slowly gained awareness, he realized his feet were cold. He looked at his bare feet and…bare feet? Where did his precious Maiden socks go?
He ran over to the armchair. “Deke! Deke!” he shook his friend awake. Deke slowly opened his eyes and focused on his friend. “What? What? Jeez man what is it?”
“My socks are gone!” answered Tee Bone in panicked haste. “They were on my feet and now they’re not!”
“Easy man, easy. Just put on the other pair you were wearing yesterday, I’m sure they’re still OK, you didn’t party in that pair.”
“No no!” yelled Tee Bone. “We have to find my preciouses!” he proclaimed. “They’re around here somewhere!”
“They’ll turn up!” reasoned Deke. “We didn’t go anywhere last night. Now chill. Let’s make some eggs.”
“No eggs!” yelled Tee Bone, “Not until we find my precious socks! No other socks will go on my feet until they are found!”
“You OK buddy?” asked Deke. “I haven’t seen you this, errr, agitated since before you took your vacation at camp.”
“What vacation? I didn’t take a vacation I went squirrel hunting,” said Tee Bone to a very confused Deke. “No time to waste. Now we’re hunting socks. Let’s go Deke. Up up up.”
“Fine!” said Deke as his got out of the armchair with a groan, “We’ll find your damn socks.”
“My precious socks!” corrected Tee Bone.
The pair began an organized search, room by room, starting with the main lounge. Then the washrooms, kitchen, and garage.
Tee Bone made his way to Deke’s flying motorcycle. He began inspecting the side compartments.
“Woah buddy, careful there!” cautioned Deke. “You know I keep some pretty powerful gadgets on my bike. Careful how you dig.”
Tee Bone ignored him and kept digging.
“Buddy, why are you digging through my bike’s storage compartments anyway? Your socks are not in there.”
“How do I know you didn’t take them? How do I know you didn’t hide them here?” mumbled an increasingly unhinged Tee Bone Man as he continued his thorough search of Deke’s bike.
Deke breathed calmly before he spoke. “Buddy…pal…you know I didn’t take your socks. If I needed Iron Maiden socks that badly, I’m sure I can buy some on eBay. Now let’s go check the record shelves. You know how you sometimes like to throw your socks off when you’re dancing at a party. Maybe you did that.”
“NO!” shouted Tee Bone. Deke was surprised to see his friend’s eyes were lit up like the eyes of Eddie himself. Something was clearly infecting the mind of Tee Bone. Deke maintained his calm and just analyzed the situation. He had already been alarmed when Tee Bone kept calling the socks his “precious”. That was frighteningly too similar to a movie they once saw several years back. Could the socks be possessing the mind of his friend like that movie he couldn’t remember the name of? It had some little guys and some regular sized guys and a wizard with a big grey hat.
Deke came up with a strategy. “OK pal. No problem. Let me help you search the garage.”
“Fine” harrumphed Tee Bone Man, now hunched over the bike like a grotesque malformed goblin, picking the bones of a dead animal.
Deke cautiously walked over to his weapons shelf. He carefully picked up a gun-shaped device and aimed at his friend.
“I’m sorry,” he said as he pulled the trigger.
Tee Bone Man awoke once more, but with a raging headache that rivalled every Scotch he ever consumed. He blinked his eyes open, but his vision was totally blurred. He could vaguely make out two figures standing over him.
“Sorry I had to stun ya pal,” said the voice of Deke before him. “It had to be done. You’re all good now. It doesn’t feel so good, but you’re gonna be OK. We found your socks.”
“We?” asked Tee Bone Man.
“Hey bro!” said a new voice from a blurred form coming into view.
“Darr?? Is that you?” asked Tee Bone of his brother.
“Yeah, it’s me man!” answered the handsome young Darr. “You guys invited me over for some Scotch last night remember? Boy did you get ripped, man. You and Deke both! Especially Deke! I had to get back home, but I took the initiative to clean up a bit for you before I left.”
Deke continued the story. “Those Iron Maiden socks you bought? Cursed, man. That’s why they were on sale at the one concession stand that had no lineup. All their items are possessed. That’s the catch. That Aaron guy tried to warn us, but we didn’t listen. Whoops.”
Tee Bone shook his head. “That’s right, my socks. I…don’t feel the need for them anymore. But this morning…all I could think about were my Maiden socks. They were definitely missing. I remember that much. That’s what I don’t understand. Where did they go?”
Darr picked up the story. “Laundry, man! Deke was already completely blacked out. Don’t you remember? It was you and me with Deke in the armchair, and you were all like, ‘Hey everybody watch me do this Open Door Piss!’ And you dribbled all over the floor and your socks. So I took them up to the laundry.”
Tee Bone had no memory of any of this! “But where are the socks right now, and why am I not crazy for them at the moment?”
Deke smiled. “Darr came over this morning to check up on us, and he told me where they were. As soon as I found them in the dryer, I burned them in the fires of Mount Deke.”
Mount Deke was the name of their firepit out back of course, so named because of the unusually large chimney.
“Wow…thanks guys. What would have happened to me if you didn’t destroy the socks??”
“Well, we’re not sure exactly,” answered Darr. “Deke had a theory that you might have transformed into a little grey creature, always obsessing over the power the socks had over you. Forever.” Deke nodded in somber agreement.
“The lesson here is never buy discount socks!” summed up Deke.
The three laughed together in relieved comradery. Darr had saved the day and his brother, and maybe Tee Bone would have to write a song, an ode to Darr, for him one day….