The Adventures of Tee Bone Man – Phase One: The Squirrel Saga
Chapter 16: A Crazy Crazy Night (Part 2)
Heading to the haunted fairgrounds of Wicked Lester with the intention of stopping his unholy ritual for unleashing untold power on the Earth, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were separated and now find themselves faced with greater challenges. But neither of them is alone in this.
In the now ordinary Hall of Mirrors, El Moustachio was faced with the need to reawaken the unconscious Tee Bone Man, who had inexplicably fainted only minutes earlier. Luckily, he had just the item for this task. Reaching into his pocket for his smelling cabbage, he held it up to Tee Bone’s nose.
Despite the mask the superhero was wearing, the effect was immediate. His eyes opened and he sat right up.
“Oh, my head.”, he groaned, rubbing his temples. “Oh that was unpleasant”, he continued. Then he noticed the Australian in the room.
“Hang on, what are you doing here? Assuming you’re real and even here in the first place.”, he asked.
“I’m real. And I’m here because I got a package from someone explaining the intended machinations of a Wicked Lester. I knew I had to act so I chartered a plane and parachuted in.”
“That explains the second round of fireworks. Tee Bone mused. Did you bring any backup?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I di-“
It was at this moment, for the second time that day, Tee Bone came face to snout with a particular squirrel.
“Ah!” he screamed, jumping backwards.
“Alright, I’m sensing you have some history with my friend here”, El Moustachio said.
“History?” exclaimed a suddenly manic Tee Bone. “You don’t know anything about that beast you’re dealing with. What it’s capable of. You need to hand it over to me, now.”
“Hand Ripper over? Why?” asked the now frightened Australian, who picked up the squirrel and cradled it in his arms.
“You named it? You named it…Ripper? Well, I’ll give you one thing, you picked an appropriate name. Now…my friend…please… Hand. It. Over.”
The Australian man pleaded with his eyes, and moustache. “Please Tee Bone…just relax…breathe a moment. Imagine you’re in the peace of quiet of your camp, and…”
“Camp? …Camp? …CAMP?” murmured Tee Bone in increasing volume. “That god damned rodent…”
And that was it. A triggered Tee Bone Man stood before them, a blaze in his eyes. He was no longer himself. He roared, a man possessed. Ripper buried his head in Moustachio’s Australian shirt, taking comfort in the sweet smell of shampoo. And then, unexpectedly, Tee Bone forcefully shoved Moustachio to the ground, seizing Ripper the squirrel, struggling in his mighty gloves.
“When lightning strikes!” cried Moustachio. As fast as his Australian reflexes naturally were, they were no match for an insane Tee Bone Man powered by radioactive Scotch.
“Hate is what I am! And underneath this heart, there beats the heart of man!” screamed the demented superhero. Moustachio could only stand aside, mouth agape, as Tee Bone glowered in radioactive power.
Ripper spoke in squirrelese. “Squee, squee, squee!” Roughly translated: “OK, fine. You want a rematch? I’m in.”
The only thing faster than an overdriven Tee Bone Man was a Canadian squirrel on the defensive. In a split second, Ripper was on Tee Bone’s face, re-arranging his eyebrows with a fresh trim courtesy of his sharp claws.
“Squeeeeee!” cried Ripper. Rough translation: “I hope you don’t mind your new look!” Tee Bone did indeed look a little different with only one eyebrow!
“You little bastard!” roared Tee Bone Man. “I was far too kind, launching you to Australia last summer at camp! But while Moustachio has been harbouring a beast of horrific terror…I’ve been practicing my new guitar!” Quick as an old western fast-draw gunfigher, Tee Bone aimed his black stealth guitar right at Ripper and launched him 50 feet into the air with a sonic boom.
Ripper recovered quickly, and was suddenly racing back in Tee Bone’s direction. Just as he was within range, Tee Bone kicked him away with a mighty boot. The Canadian squirrel lay on the ground panting heavily. Then, Tee Bone approached, ready to deliver the killing blow. He cranked the volume knob on his guitar and aimed it at the defeated animal.
In a sudden blur, Moustachio placed his body directly on front of the guitar’s headstock.
“Tee Bone! No! Please! He is my friend! Do not hurt him…you’ll have to take me down first if you try.”
Tee Bone’s eyes suddenly changed. They softened, and moisture could be seen glistening on his eyelid. Slowly, he lowered his guitar and looked down at his Australian friend. “Moustachio…why? Why would you give your life for that…vile creature?”
Moustachio slowly approached and silently took Tee Bone’s guitar from his hands. Tee Bone barely noticed. He was coming back to himself again.
“Ripper is my friend!” explained the Australian “It turns out, he just loves a good heavy metal baritone. He came to my window one afternoon when I was listening to Blaze Bayley’s Live In Poland album, and we became such good friends! Well…I admit he was a little rough around the edges. It took him three weeks to stop shitting on my pillow, but he’s housebroken now, and just the best friend you could ask for. Please Tee Bone…do not hurt my friend.”
Tee Bone looked down, partly ashamed, but mostly relieved.
“I could never hurt your friend, Moustachio. I feel…better. I feel…free.” He bent over to pick up Ripper, who was starting to recover from the battle.
“I’m sorry, Ripper. Let’s start over. Peace?”
“Squee!!” answered the little creature. Rough translation: “You got it, man!”
“Back to the business at hand?” asked a relieved Moustachio.
The two heroes then turned to the unconscious ‘demon’ on the floor by them. And, curiously, he was looking noticeably less terrifying lying there. The combover and polo shirt weren’t exactly in vogue over at Hot Gothic.
El Moustachio reached into the man’s pocket and pulled out a business card.
“Says his name’s Mr Make Believe”, the Australian hero read. “Explains this whole place then. Nothing but fictional concoctions dreamt up by some clown with too much time on his hands.”
“Yeah”, Tee Bone hesitantly replied, not completely sure that the Australian was correct.
“Well we’d better get moving then”, El Moustachio said, tossing the card aside. “We’re looking for a place called the Psycho Circus, and this certainly isn’t it”.
“How do you know where we need to be?”, Tee Bone quizzed him.
“I read the documents sent with the letter on the flight over here.”, the Australian replied.
“Makes sense. Well how are we getting out of here then?” Tee Bone asked.
“That looks like a good bet”, the El Moustachio replied, pointing to a neon green exit sign.
Tee Bone had no arguments with that, and the two men soon emerged into the cool night. The air was still, but both men knew that it wouldn’t last. They pressed on, keeping a cautious eye over their shoulders.
Elsewhere, Deke had also revitalised his search of the fairgrounds. Having recently exited the Tunnel of Love via a large crack in the wall, he now also found himself somewhat lost for direction.
Then the sound of a door opening caught his attention. Turning his head, he saw that the source was a place called Rock And Roll Hell. But what surprised him more was the identity of the man who opened the door.
Because, confidently sauntering out of the attraction, was none other than The Snowman. Catching sight of Deke, he calmly walked over to him.
“I must admit I that place doesn’t really live up to the name. Too much like that one in Cleveland.”
“I know the one.” Deke replied slyly. “It’s good to see you again man.”
Deke extended his hand, and The Snowman shook it grinning.
“It’s been too long. After this is all over we gotta have a drink together”
“I’m going to hold you to that”, Deke shot back.
“Gladly, but first we have a Mr Blackwell to stop. Any idea where he might be?”
“Yes, actually, kind of.”, Deke replied. “I know where we need to be, but not where it is.”
“Well I think I can help you with some of that. I snatched this map of the place out from under a vending machine I used to block a door. It’s a little soggy in places but it should do the trick.”
“That’s great!”, Deke exclaimed, and he rushed over to study the piece of paper.
“We’re after a place called the Psycho Circus”, he muttered, scanning the pages. “There.”
“That’s not too far.”, The Snowman said, looking at where Deke’s finger was pointed. “We could even cut through there.”, he continued on, pointing to a spot of his own.
“Better not.”, Deke replied. “After what I’ve seen of this place, I’m not sure I want to be going into a place called Naked City.”
“Fair point.”, The Snowman conceded. “Shall we get going then?”
“We have to find Tee Bone first.”, Deke said.
“But if he doesn’t even know where to go it’s going to be hard to find him. What if we went to the Psycho Circus and then sent up a flare or something. Get him to come to us.”
Deke thought for a moment. That was a very good idea. “Yes, you’re right. That will work.”
With that settled, the two men turned towards the direction of the Psycho Circus, before realising they were not alone.
In their vision now, perched on trees, lampposts and building tops, were countless creatures of the night. Mutant bugs, bats and all other sorts of foul creatures brought into being by toxic radioactive waste dumped on the island.
“Run.” Deke whispered to the American beside him.
The Snowman needed no invitation.
Elsewhere, Tee Bone and El Moustachio had already been introduced to the creatures of the night. Also recognising that they stood no chance in the open, the two had also run for cover.
And they seemed to have found it. The building they now stood in was tall and solidly built. It also, crucially, had most of its windows boarded up. Right now, the two men appeared to be in a kitchen of sorts and were scavenging for weapons and/or supplies.
El Moustachio didn’t particularly care for the rusted knives and forks, but the fire axe by the door was most appealing.
Tee Bone, meanwhile, had picked up a jar of unknown foodstuffs, and was inspecting the contents. El Moustachio looked over and saw what it said on the label- Carr Jam (1981 Recipe). Best Before: 1992.
“I wouldn’t eat that”, he counselled.
Tee Bone agreed. While he did have a stomach of steel, he still wouldn’t be much help if he was burning up with fever. But them something more alcoholic caught his eye. Surely this would still be good, even after all this time. He was still sober, and one drink couldn’t hurt.
Tee Bone took a hearty swig, and immediately spat it out.
“Ugh! Cold gin!”
El Moustachio couldn’t help it. He was howling with laughter. And once Tee Bone had recovered, he was too.
But the laughter was cut short by a creak of the floorboards in the corridor outside. Instinctively, the two heroes whirled around, weapons drawn.
Keeping their eyes locked on the door, they carefully circled to more strategic locations around the room.
But before they could react, the door was blown open and two men jumped in. And that’s where things took an unexpected turn, as Tee Bone found himself face to face with none other than The Snowman.
Likewise, El Moustachio, was more than a little surprised to see Deke brandishing one of his gadgets at him.
But only for a brief second, before recognition flickered across Deke’s eyes and he was reacquainting himself with the Australian.
“I didn’t know you’d be here as well, but I’m glad you could make it.”, Deke smiled.
“In one piece too.”, the Australian smiled back, thinking back to the fireworks earlier.
The two joined Tee Bone and The Snowman in getting everyone up to speed.
“Oh, and El Moustachio”, Deke said, “This is The Snowman. He helped us fend of some of Satan’s strongest not too long ago. You remember him from Christmas?”
“A pleasure to meet you again, one demon-slayer to another,” the Australian said, nodding his head towards The Snowman.
“Likewise!”, the American replied.
“And then he got himself captured by Aliens for looking like Richard Dreyfuss and we had to bail him out”, Deke ribbed
“A common mistake I’m sure”, the Australian said.
But the introductions and reunions were cut short by a smattering of animal sounds from outside the building.
“It’s those beasts again!”, Deke exclaimed.
“They’re coming in!”, El Moustachio yelled trying to keep them at bay by the door.
But it was to no avail. They creatures easily breached the building.
The group knew they’d be surrounded and overrun if they stayed put and were forced to backpedal up a number of flights of stair to keep all the creatures in their sights. Eventually they found a room with no windows and decided to make their stand there.
Once everyone was inside, Tee Bone slammed the door and piled dressers and draws against it to barricade it.
And it kind of worked. None of the creatures were getting through the door. It’s just that the structural integrity of the walls had not improved over the decades of neglect. Our heroes were now playing a life and death game of whack-a-mole.
Over by the west wall, one of the foul beasts had managed to stick its snout through a notably large gap in the boards and was trying to work the rest of itself through.
Spying this, El Moustachio vaulted over a desk on all fours and swiped the creature across its nose with his fist. It disappeared from whence it came, howling in pain.
Tee Bone, who had watched the whole manoeuvre, was not impressed.
“That squirrel is a bad influence” he chided the Australian.
“Nonsense”, El Moustachio replied. “He brings a whole new set of techniques to the superhero tactical combat arsenal.”
Tee Bone was not convinced, but a warm draft blew through the building, distracting him from his interrogation. The scraping and smashing sounds of earlier had stopped, and the creatures had mysteriously disappeared.
Deke turned to The Snowman.
“Hey…where are we right now?”
The Snowman consulted his map for a few seconds before the colour drained from his face. He looked up and grimly answered Deke.
A low hum began, and the temperature began to rise. El Moustachio noticed a number of vents around the room.
Deke saw them too.
“Tee! We need an exit!” he yelled.
Tee Bone was already on it, and with one mighty strike of his guitar he sent a sonic boom through the room that reduced their makeshift barricades to splinters.
But they weren’t out of the (fire)woods yet. The rush of air throughout the rest of the building had the immediate effect of setting the place ablaze.
“What’s that they say about the frying pan?”, El Moustachio joked.
By now the entire building was aflame, and the four men had a very big problem. Wasting no time, the group set about franticly looking for an exit and, ironically, it was the Snowman who could stand the heat the best.
“Guys, over here!”, He yelled from one of the rooms on the south side of the building.
The others ran in and saw what The Snowman had found – an open window that also faced the neighbouring building.
“Brilliant!”, El Moustachio exclaimed.
As Deke pulled his grappling hook out, Tee Bone turned to The Snowman.
“Need a lift?”, he asked.
“Yes please. All outta ice.”, The Snowman replied.
Deke fired, and within seconds, was lifted out of sight. Tee Bone grabbed The Snowman’s arm, before looking back at El Moustachio.
“You got this?”
“I got this.”
Needing to hear nothing more, Tee Bone exited, flying upwards, Snowman in one hand and guitar in the other.
El Moustachio took a few steps back to give himself a run-up. In one hand he held his razor-sharp boomerang and in the other he held the fire axe from the kitchen. He began to run towards the window, speeding up with every step.
When he got within a meter he dove forward out the window as an explosion blew out behind him. With a thud he hit the side of the building next to the Firehouse, digging his boomerang and axe into the stone masonry.
Gritting his teeth, he wrenched the boomerang out of the wall and slammed it back in, one row of bricks higher. He then did the same with the fire axe and continued alternating the two until he had climbed to the roof, bit by bit.
When he reached the top Tee Bone helped him up, and he found his feet atop the not-burning building. But his survival had come at a cost. The axe was now blunt, and his boomerang was twisted and mangled from climb up the building. El Moustachio sadly tossed them aside.
With his weapons appraisal complete, he joined the others in surveying the area. From here they could actually see the Psycho Circus. The spotlights were the main giveaway, along with the cheering that was audible from even here.
“We gotta hurry.”, The Snowman stated.
“I could fly us there.”, Tee Bone suggested.
“I’m not so keen to chance those firework towers a second time. Or the airborne creatures”, Deke replied. El Moustachio nodded his head behind him.
“Fair enough. Looks like we’re going on foot then.”
The group climbed down the building and set off for the Psycho Circus. While they couldn’t see any of the creatures of the night, they were still on edge.
But the most eventful occurrence of the trip ended up being the stumbling upon a shortcut too valuable to pass up. The House of Cards had a service entrance that exited right outside the Psycho Circus.
The group cautiously entered and looked around. Everything was exactly as expected. Giant face cards adorned every wall in the large room. The only strange thing was that the diamond suite had been miscoloured black.
A booming voice from the mezzanine caught their attention.
“The writing’s on the wall for you, heroes! You could barely survive in the outside world; you’ll have no chance in here! Down on your knees and face the execution!”, monologued a man who could only be described as the King of Hearts.
“Is this clown for real?’, “Deke leaned over and whispered to Tee Bone.
“Living in a fantasy, but I reckon we can just breeze past him. He doesn’t look so tough, and we are in a bit of a hurry.”
“Agreed.”, Deke replied.
And with that the four men bolted for the door on the right side of the room.
“Wha-“, the King said, quite dumfounded.
Paying his highness no further attention, our heroes ran into the east corridor, looking for an exit. But the King of Hearts wasn’t going to give up that easily. Halfway down the corridor one of the cards in the wall (the ace, to be precise) came to life as the King leaned out from it, menacing the heroes.
“I’m always near you. There’s nowhere to hide!” he proclaimed.
But he was almost immediately forced to vacate the card when Ripper leapt from El Moustachio’s shoulder and went to town shredding the wall.
“Stupid name anyway.”, Tee Bone grumbled to himself as he watched the squirrel.
The group continued down the corridor, coming to a door at the end.
“There’s nowhere to run!”, the King howled after them from all around.
And he was right, because as the group entered the next room the walls folded in on themselves to block all the other exits. The shadows flashed across the mostly empty room and the King of Hearts was back.
“Room service!”, he yelled as he hacked at the door with his halberd.
“I’ve had enough of this.” The Snowman said, reaching into his bag.
Pulling out piece after piece, he began to assemble an implement that ended up being a small flamethrower.
“Why does The Snowman need a flamethrower?” El Moustachio asked.
“We don’t exactly want a repeat of the snow goon incident”, The Snowman replied. “Plus it comes in handy during labour disputes. The snowman union drives a hard bargain. Now let’s burn this sucker down.”
With a final check of the weapon and a flick of the safety, the Snowman let it rip through the gap in the door.
“Burn bitch burn”
“Aaiiieeee”, the King screamed as the flames caught his robes, licking their way up towards his face.
Taking advantage of the King of Heart’s futile preoccupation with dousing himself, the group burst out of the door and ran for the service exit. The run went smoothly, and they were not accosted by any irate royals at all.
In no time at all they had found the exit and excused themselves from the premises. Looking back, the group saw that the entire place was ablaze now, as a thick plume of smoke billowed up into the air.
“Crumble tumble house of cards”, Deke smirked to himself.
The smoke also had the effect of eliminating the threat of the creatures of the night. Coughing their guts up, they fell from the sky in droves, unable to see or fly straight through the smoke.
But our heroes were more focused on the task directly in front of them. The Snowman held up his map one last time.
“This is it – the Psycho Circus.”
“Is everyone ready?”, Tee Bone asked.
They all nodded.
“Then let’s get the party started.”
To Be Concluded… Tomorrow!
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA
Chapter Zero: Tee Bone Man – Origins (by LeBrain)
Chapter One: A Friend in Need (by LeBrain)
Chapter Two: Hell Freezes Over (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Three: Hell Ain’t A Bad Place to Be (by LeBrain)
Chapter Four: Tee Bone Man and the Rink of…Doom? (by Aaron KMA)
Chapter Five: The Super Duper Vault (by John T. Snow)
Chapter Six: Tee Bone Man Goes to Camp (by LeBrain)
Chapter Seven: The Revenge of Common Knowledge (by LeBrain)
Chapter Eight: Tee Bone & Deke’s Time Travelling Adventure (by 80sMetalMan)
Chapter Nine: Castle Communications (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Ten: The Case of the Lost Iron Maiden Socks (by LeBrain)
Chapter Eleven: A Tee Bone Man Christmas (by all five of us)
Chapter Twelve: Lost In Space (by John T. Snow)
Chapter Thirteen: Clip Show (by LeBrain)
Chapter Fourteen: Tee Bone Man and Superdekes Discover the Tao (An Intermission) (By Aaron KMA)
Chapter Fifteen: Status Acoustic – The Really Big Deal (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Sixteen: A Crazy Crazy Night (part 1) (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Sixteen: A Crazy Crazy Night (part 2) (by Harrison Kopp)
Chapter Sixteen: A Crazy Crazy Night (part 3) (by Harrison Kopp) Coming tomorrow!
Chapter Seventeen: Tee Bone Man vs. Edie Van Heelin’ (by LeBrain) Coming this summer – conclusion to Phase One!
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
Chapter Eighteen: Shinzon – Origins (By LeBrain)
THE WRITER’S ROOM
The Writer’s Room: Chapter One
The Writer’s Room: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Tee Bone Man Christmas
The Writer’s Room: Welcome to the Writer’s Room!
THE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie vs. Tommy Lee in the Bouncy Castle of Doom! (By LeBrain)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie and the Quest for the Lost Lego (By LeBrain with Harrison Kopp)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation (By LeBrain)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation Part 2 (By LeBrain & California Girl)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie Meets the Wolf (by LeBrain)
The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’: Edie’s Winter Vacation (By LeBrain & California Girl) (coming soon)