aerosmith

Part 80: The Darkness

Back in 2003, I was working with this…fucking idiot.  We’ll call him Dandy.  Easily the most superficial person I’ve ever had the displeasure of associating with.  We’ll be talking more about him later on, believe me.

When Dandy told me there was this new band that would be right up my alley called The Darkness, I wanted nothing to do with it.  Not only did I hate pretty much everything he raved about, but he meant it sort of as a joke.  Like, “Watch me get Mike into a shitty band like The Darkness.”

Anyway, the way he decribed them to me sounded spoofy, and I hate 96.5% of spoofy music.  I take my hair rock seriously.

A few months later, we opened another franchise in St. Catharines (a shitty hour and a half long drive in the mornings), and I was assigned training duty for their new manager.  We worked side by side daily for a couple weeks and I found him to be a good guy.  When he put The Darkness on, I was skeptical, but by no means opposed, because he obviously wasn’t a shitface like Dandy.  He wasn’t trying to yank my chain.

Yet, I’d never heard this band before…who the hell were they?  Some new band from England that looked like a cross between Queen and Aerosmith.  And sounded something like a cross between Queen, AC/DC and Guns N’ Roses.  Yet was nothing at all like anything that was coming out at the time.  And they could play.

I like bands with unique singers, and Justin Hawkins is definitely unique.  I was into it!  Dandy was wrong — this wasn’t a spoof.  These guys were serious.

We played that album any time we could get away with it — which wasn’t often since Permission To Land is loaded with “fucks”. I grew to love every song.  Great songs like “Growing On Me” and “Friday Night” kept me going on the really bad days, like a shot of Liquid Schwartz in the ol’ engine.    They quickly became my Favourite New Band, and pretty much have remained that for the last ten years!

When the second album came out, I remember one of the head office people made a point of telling me how much she hated it.

“The new Darkness…sucks.”

“Oh yeah?”  I responded, not really surprised I’d hear that from this person.  They loved to rain on my musical parades.  They thought they were doing me a favour, trying to get me out of “cheesey” music, and onto “good” music.

“There’s this one song where all he does is sing, ‘I love what you’ve done with your hair,’ over and over again,” they complained.  (Note:  The song is called “Knockers”, of course.)

Predictably, I loved the second album, although it took a few listens to absorb.  Today I find myself leaning more towards the second Darkness album.  I think their ambition got the better of them in a lot of ways though.  I think One Way Ticket was more appropriate as a fourth album, but as a second, a little shocking for the masses to absorb.  And so, in my store at least, they ignored it in droves!

I followed them through the breakup, Hot Leg and Stone Gods, and now cannot wait to hear the long awaited third record, Hot Cakes, on August 21.  Welcome back, The Darkness!

Part 42: The Barefoot DJ

RECORD STORE TALES Part 42: The Barefoot DJ

We had one regular at the store, Barefoot DJ.  He used to come in and say, “Do you have that song, Mistadobalina? Mr. Bob Dobalina?”  With no shoes.  Every time.  He said he had a foot disease that made his feet feel like they’re on fire.  Therefore, he could’t wear shoes.  So I said, wear flip flops.  I had to kick him out so many damn times!  He said he filed a report with human rights, all that stuff.  It was an insurance thing.  If the guy cut his foot on a broken CD case shard, we get sued.

The problem is, there were some discs that were just hard to find and Del tha Funkee Homosapien wasn’t exactly a regular, like, say, Hole (bargain bin perennial, that one!).  So he’d come in, ask for the song, do his little rendition (no shoes this whole time) and then tell us we sucked because we didn’t have it.   Then he’d be back two weeks later asking for the same damn song.    This, and “Pink” by Aerosmith, were the two that the Barefoot DJ was constantly looking for.

But…he wanted “Pink” on a greatest hits album!  Even though it was their new single at the time, from their brand new album, he wanted it on a hits album.  Wouldn’t buy it otherwise.  I told him he was just going to have to wait.  There was no pleasing this man, even when he did wear shoes!

CODA:  A question raised by Craig Fee, of 107.5 Dave FM:  “Who the fuck wants that stupid song by Aerosmith?”

Answer – Me….

TORONTO RECORD SHOW_0013

Part 4: A Word About B-Sides

Hysteria singles collection

RECORD STORE TALES Part 4:  A Word About B-Sides

My definition of a B-side:

A song that is found on the B-side of a vinyl or cassette single, but not on the album; or a song on a CD or digital single other than the main track, not found on the album.

A well known example:  “Hey Hey What Can I Do” by Led Zeppelin.  Up until the release of the Led Zeppelin box set in 1990, this great song was only available on the 7″ single for “The Immigrant Song”.

I’d known about B-sides for a while thanks to George, the neighbor next door with the Kiss albums.  He had a couple Iron Maiden 12″ singles such as “Aces High” with unreleased studio tracks on the B-side, usually two per 12″.  I’d also been aware of Maiden tunes like “Women In Uniform” (technically an A-side) that weren’t on any albums that we’d ever seen.

Right from an early age I’d always been a collector.  I had a massive collection of Lego.  Then later on I had a collection of Star Wars figures that put all others in the neighborhood to shame.  Then it was GI Joe and Transformers.  I didn’t do anything small.  When music came along, it inevitably became the next thing in this obsession.  Quiet Riot was the first band I pledged to complete (still incomplete 27 years later).  As I expanded out to more bands, I pledged to complete a lot of collections….

When Def Leppard came out with Hysteria I went wild for that album.  Definitely still to this day my #1 album of 1987; and that was a year that included new records by Kiss, Aerosmith, Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, and a band I hadn’t quite discovered yet at the time called Guns N’ Roses.  Yes folks, I rank Hysteria higher than Appetite.  But listen, I’m not going to get into that debate right this second.  I’ll save it for another day.  I’m just giving you the setting.

I was really passionate about the Hysteria album and early in 1988 I acquired the Animal EP on cassette.  That 4-song EP contained three tracks not on the album:  “I Wanna Be Your Hero”, “Tear It Down”, and an extended mix of the title song.  I really got into “I Wanna Be Your Hero”, hard.  It’s still a great track.  That really set off a fire for me to collect these rare songs.  This was the first really awesome B-side track that I’d found so far.  If it was this good, there must be more coming…

I was in highschool, and on a weekly basis, I trekked into my local Zellers store to peruse the 7″ singles.  Some you could get as cheap as 99 cents.  Any time Def Leppard came out with a new video, I knew there was a new 7″ single to be had.  Up next came “Hysteria” itself, and I rapidly found a copy at Zellers.  On the flip side was a song called “Ride Into The Sun” (a re-recording of an early Def Leppard track) and it blew me away.  It was fast and heavy, there was nothing else like it on Hysteria.

In the summer came “Pour Some Sugar On Me” which appeared at my Zellers soon after the video started running.  The B-side was “Ring of Fire”, not a standout track, so I figured by now, Def Leppard were running out of good unreleased songs.

Me at the time, awesome hair

That fall, “Love Bites” started airing on Much, so I knew there would be another single to be had.  This one proved to be more elusive.  I finally tracked it down, not at my local Zellers, but at a Radio Shack store in Port Elgin, Ontario.  They rarely had any, but they did have this.  This time, the B-side was a live track.  “Billy’s Got A Gun” was definitely my least favourite B-side so far.  It wasn’t my favourite song on Pyromania, and it wasn’t a good live rendition either.

Hysteria continued to spawn singles.  “Armageddon It” was yet another game-changer for me.  Walking into Zellers I could barely believe my eyes:  A picture disc 7″ single!  I’d seen 12″ picture discs before, but I didn’t even know they made them in 7″.  And best of all it was only $1 more than a regular single.  I ran home with my prize, but puzzled over the B-side.  It didn’t appear to be even by Def Leppard.  The song was called “Release Me” and it was performed by Stumpus Maximus and the Good Ol’ Boys.

The notes on the flip side of the disc indicated that never in their travels had Def Leppard come across a talent as great as Stumpus Maximus.  And there was a picture of him.  A bald bearded man balancing a hat on his nose, with a backing band sillouetted behind him.

I cautiously played the single.  The strains of the Engleburt Humperdinck cover poured out of my tinny, shitty equipment.  It wasn’t even good!  This sucked!  Then it got weird.  Stumpus started screaming the lyrics in the most gutteral scream I’ve ever heard.  I’m telling you people he made Mike Patton sound sane.  Stopping, burping, and picking it up again, Stumpus screamed all the way to the end.

I got the joke.  But who was Stumpus?  I noticed right away that the sillouette of Stumpus’ backing band matched a photo of Def Leppard on the previous single.  A reading of the very long and small liner notes on the Hysteria album revealed that Stumpus Maximus was their roadie – real name Malvin Mortimer.

Hysteria was not dead yet.  There was one more single to be had, and once again I picked it up in a 4 song cassette format.  This single was “Rocket” which was presented in both remixed and extended remixed forms.  The other two songs were live versions of “Women” (taken from the Def Leppard home video) and “Rock of Ages”.  These versions were better than “Billy’s Got A Gun”, but I had a pretty clear idea that Def Leppard were not a great live band.

“Rock of Ages” however contained a little surprise.  This extended live take included a medley of rock and roll classics right in the middle of the song!  Def Leppard performed the most memorable moments of “Not Fade Away”, “Radar Love”, “Whole Lotta Love”, “My Generation”, and “Come Together”, changing the melodies and riffs slightly to meld seamlessly into “Rock of Ages”.  I gotta tell you people, it’s a fucking brilliant version.  Hunt it down.  Do what you have to do.  You’re listening to the tune thinking, “I know this part, what the fuck is it?”  And then you realize it’s “Come Together”.  It’s really cool.

That was the last of the singles off Hysteria.  It would be years before my Def Leppard collection would pick up again.  Sadly Steve Clarke died in January of 1991 — the first of my heroes to go.

So I’ll dedicate the blog to Steve, whose band Def Leppard is really responsible for why I have more CDs in my house than dollars in my bank account.