Chris Pine

#1128: Evil Kirk

RECORD STORE TALES #1128: Evil Kirk

It seems like a lifetime ago, that I co-wrote and recorded the only song I’m on that has ever been officially released. On August 6 2010, I sat down at my computer and wrote the lyrics to what would become one of the strangest songs on Kathryn Ladano’s CD, Open.  And yes, you can buy it on iTunes or on compact disc.  Just search for Ladano!

Kathryn performs mostly improvised instrumental music, and “Evil Kirk” was to be the only spoken word piece on the album.  I had been bugging her for a while to appear on one of her albums, but considering that I’m not a very good singer, and she doesn’t use vocals, it seemed all but impossible.  I had thrown around an idea of doing an “Optimus Prime Trilogy” – the life, death, life, death, life, and final death of the Marvel Comics version of the character.  This didn’t click with her, but eventually she thought of doing something about Captain Kirk.  “Evil Kirk” refers to the original Star Trek episide “The Enemy Within”, in which a transporter accident splits Kirk into good and evil halves.  Kathryn loved the episode (probably because there was an alien puppy dog with a horn and antennae), and she really loved William Shatner’s hilariously overwrought performance.

We had an idea of doing the lyrics as a rough series of favourite Kirk quotes.  We’d avoid the obvious stuff like “Khaaaaaaan!” and focus on some of our personal favourites.  On a personal level, I wanted to honour all eras of Kirk to date, which meant the Chris Pine movies too.  Today, Paul Wesley plays an excellent modern take on the character in Strange New Worlds, but when we recorded “Evil Kirk”, Chris Pine was the guy.

We did four takes.  I present to you the lyrics to “Evil Kirk” as they appear in my notes, with notations on the origins of each Kirk quote.  This is not exactly word for word how it went on the album, but how I wrote it initially.  Minor changes are a part of improvisation!

 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Message, Spock?

The Wrath of Khan takes place on Kirk’s birthday.  Spock gifts his friend an ancient printed book of A Tale of Two Cities.  “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” is Kirk reading the opening sentence of the novel.  He then asks Spock if there was a hidden meaning to this gift.  None except “happy birthday, surely the best of times.”  But Kirk is not happy getting old and fat behind a desk.  This theme of aging runs through the film.

Of all the souls I have known
His was the most
Human.

I truly believe that Spock’s funeral scene in The Wrath of Khan is some of Shatner’s very best emoting in his long career.  This line comes from his eulogy for his best friend.  When he stumbles and pauses before the word “human”, you can feel the grief as if it were real.  The way his face wrenches up before he says the word…I admit it brings tears to my eyes!

No more blah, blah!

From season one, episode eight:  “Miri”.  A planet of children frustrates Kirk with their chanting of “blah, blah, blah!”  In a rage, Kirk responds “NO MORE BLAH BLAH BLAH!”  I shortened it to “blah blah” because that’s the way it sounded to me.  This is sort of a recurring chorus.

Did I ever tell you, you play an irritating game of chess, Mr. Spock?

From the second pilot episode, “Where No Man Has Gone Before”.  In order to introduce the characters to the TV audience, Spock’s logical side is showcased here.  “Irritation?  Ah yes, one of your Earth emotions,” says Spock before Kirk checkmates him.  “Sure you don’t know what irritation is, Mr. Spock?” smiles Kirk.

So why don’t you get some more guys and it’ll be an even fight.

The first Chris Pine line in the song.  This is from the 2009 Star Trek movie, when a civilian Kirk gets into a bar fight with some Starfleet personnel.

You can whistle really loud, you know that?

Same scene, same movie.  This is when Captain Pike breaks up the brawl and sits Kirk down for a little chat about his future.

No more blah,blah!  

Of all things, a god needs compassion.

From the second pilot episode again.  Kirk’s closest friend since the Academy, Gary Mitchell, has acquired god-like powers.  As he goes slowly mad with power, Kirk reminds him of the fundamentals of godhoood.

What does God need with a starship?

From the much-maligned fifth Trek movie, directed by Shatner himself.  The USS Enterprise goes to find “God” at the center of our galaxy.  The “god” requests the Enterprise to be his chariot.  The charade doesn’t last, as Kirk questions him why a god would need a starship.

Our missions are peaceful…not for conquest.

Season one, episode 18:  One of our favourite episodes, “Arena”.  Known to casual fans as “the one with the Gorn”, Kirk is sent down by the Metrons to do hand to hand combat with an alien lizard.  You can bet, his shirt gets torn.

Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed…but a woman is always a woman.

A great line right out of the 1960s, from season one, episode 13:  “The Conscience of the King”.  Known as “the one with Kodos the Executioner”.   This line is regarding Kodos’ beautiful daughter.   Not a personal favourite episode, just a great line.

No more blah, blah!

Take me back! Please! I want to live!
I’m Captain Kirk… I’M CAPTAIN KIRK!

Also from “The Enemy Within”.  The only way to fix the split good/evil Kirk problem is to re-combine them.  Yet, the evil one doesn’t want that.  He wants to live!  This is a moral quandary that Star Trek would revisit again in episodes like “Tuvix”.  A harrowing performance, if campy.

Yeoman, I owe you an explanation…The transporter malfunctioned, divided me, created a duplicate…The animal part of me came to your cabin…He even scratched me to make us look more alike…I’d like the chance to explain it to you…You don’t mind if I come to your cabin later?

A great line from “The Enemy Within”, as Evil Kirk tries to seduce Janice Rand, played by Grace Lee Whitney in season one of the show.   The Evil Kirk is lying of course.  He is up to no good!

No more blah,blah!

Second star to the right…and straight on ’til morning.

From Peter Pan, but also from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (“the one with Kim Cattrall”).  On the Enterprise-A’s final voyage, they are ordered to return home for decommissioning.  Kirk and crew decide to tell Starfleet to “go to hell”.  When asked for course and heading, Kirk responds with the Peter Pan line.  This is also something of a throwback to the ending of the very first Star Trek motion picture.  When asked for a course, Kirk responds, “Over there…thataway.”

Everybody remember where we parked.

A funny line from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.  The crew park a cloaked Klingon Bird of Prey in the middle of a park in Los Angeles, circa 1986.  The film might be better known as “the one with the whales”.

How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life.

Kirk’s line of wisdom to Saavik, played by Kirstie Alley, in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.  When she fails the Kobayashi Maru test, a no-win scenario, Saavik questions the purpose of a test where everyone dies, in every possible situation.

If Spock were here, he’d say that I was an irrational, illogical human being for going on a mission like this…
Sounds like fun!

I felt I had to be inclusive, and I couldn’t ignore Kirk’s only appearance in a Next Generation-era project.  Star Trek: Generations (“the one where Kirk dies”) is derided by many fans for a swirly-wirly timey-wimey plot and some continuity issues, which we will get to.  This line here is a fan-service reference to Spock, when Picard offers Kirk one more chance to “make a difference”.

No more blah,blah!

I’ve always known…I’ll die alone.

Speaking of continuity, this line from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (“the one where they meet God”) is a problem.  When Kirk eventually dies, Picard is by his side.  Fans have ret-conned this to mean that Kirk knew he would die without any of his friends.

What is a Man, but that… lofty spirit… that sense of, Enterprise! That devotion to something that cannot be Sensed… cannot be… Realized, but only… DREAMED! The HIGHEST Reality!

Season two, episode eight:  “I, Mudd!”  The second of several appearances for Harcourt Fenton Mudd, delightful rogue and scammer.  Played by Roger C. Carmel in the original and animated series, Mudd was later portrayed by Rainn Wilson in Star Trek: Discovery and Short Treks.  In “I, Mudd”, a planet of human-like androids is the scene for a comedic Trek.  Kirk’s line here is about what it means to be human, a common theme in all of Star Trek.

It was…fun.

Kirk’s final line of dialogue to Picard, before he dies in Generations.  Fans actually cheered his death in theaters.  That’s when Paramount knew their movie was in serious trouble.

KHAN!

OK, so I did use the line initially, but during the performance, we knew it wasn’t right.  Ending it with “It was…fun” made more sense.

And that’s “Evil Kirk” for you, line by line.  I wish I could do just one more take of it, as I think I have better control of my voice now, but I think the final version is pretty good.

 

MOVIE REVIEW: Star Trek Beyond (2016)

STAR TREK BEYOND (2016 Paramount)

Directed by Justin Lin

The “Kelvin era” or “JJ-verse” Star Trek movies have been more “miss” than “hit”.  There was a time when you could count on every even-numbered Trek to be excellent, but Star Trek Into Darkness (#12) and Star Trek Beyond (#13) were two rotten movies in a row.  What went wrong?

Too.  Much.  Dumb.  Action.

Specifically, there is one modern action motif that is freakishly common today and it drives me insane every time.  It’s when a vehicle or body hits a wall or other obstacle, going right through, and keeps going, and going…minimal damage and zero loss of momentum.  This happens far too often in Beyond.   Hell, the bad guy Krall (Idris Elba) has a swarm of spaceships completely based on this physics-defying visual.

Every time Beyond feels like it’s going somewhere, the movie devolves into meaningless, dull action.  The shame of it is, there are other scenes that are character-driver and almost vintage Trekkian.  Dr. McCoy (Karl Urban) caring for an injured Spock (Zachary Quinto) felt right.  Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) tiring of his daily space-grind was reminiscent of the original Star Trek pilot “The Cage”, and also colours in a little bit about how the prime Kirk eventually became an Admiral.  These slower, more contemplative shots are then succeeded by numbing action, so far removed from Gene Roddenberry’s original vision that you can hear his complaints in the back of your mind.

Idris Elba is unfortunately underdeveloped and buried under layers of makeup.  His character Krall has cloudy hatred for the Federation, believing that their mission of peace and exploration weakens humanity, who must instead be prepared to defend itself.  Krall is not all he appears to be, of course, but the reveal is far less interesting than it could have been.  Ultimately, the setup is never enticing nor is the execution.  Since the plot is based entirely on the motivations of the villain, the movie can’t hold together.  It’s just an alien looking for a superweapon so he can kill lots of people.  And it’s never made clear why he even needs that superweapon, since he can do plenty of damage on his own.

Case in point?  Krall [SPOILER] takes down the U.S.S. Enterprise only three years into her five-year mission.  Compare this to the original prime U.S.S. Enterprise, which only went down only in a last ditch attempt by her captain to keep his crew alive.  Only after 40 years in space, three television seasons, and three movies.  Its ending was poignant, and after saving the crew countless times, it was earned.  This ships’ ending was not earned, to use the words of Rob Daniels.  We’ve only known her in a few hours of screen time.  Her demise was not earned.  It was just a gimmick to sell tickets.  See the Enterprise go down!

A new character created for this movie, Jaylah (Sofia Boutella) is a tough nut and good companion for Scotty.  Unfortunately, knowing the past history of female sidekicks in Star Trek films, that means you’ll never see her again.

Sadly, Anton Yelchin (Chekov) died tragically in an accident shortly before the film’s release.  J.J. Abrams has said that Chekov would never be recast by another actor.

Star Trek Beyond both gains and loses points for some real-world references.  The death of Leonard Nimoy in 2015 is reflected by [SPOILER] the death of Spock prime in this film, and there is a beautiful moment to reflect on that.  Less successfully, the character of Sulu (John Cho) is ret-conned as gay, to honour George Takei who played the original Sulu.  Even Takei found this ret-con to be strange since he never portrayed Sulu as gay at any point in the series.  It technically doesn’t directly contradict anything from the prime universe, but it feels so awkwardly shoed in.

Star Trek Beyond has, for the time being at least, ended Star Trek’s theatrical comeback.  Patrick Stewart has confidently returned to television in Picard, and so Trek never dies.  No thanks to Beyond.

1.5/5 stars

TV REVIEW: American Dad – “Rabbit Ears”

AMERICAN DAD – “Rabbit Ears” (Episode 4, season 14)

It has been an exciting week for American Dad fans, as they devoured one of the weirdest episodes of the entire series, “Rabbit Ears”.  This is a series that did an entire episode in the form of a stage play.  Another was styled like an indi film and featured Zooey Dechanel as an overtly stated “manic pixie dream girl”.  This time, American Dad took off for The Outer Limits and ended up in the Twilight Zone.

There is no hint of the episode’s bizarre setting in the standard opening.  Stan, always up to something stupid, goes garbage picking on “big items” week, when people throw out large appliances.  He brings home a mattress infested with bed bugs and a giant, ancient television.  The Smith family are not amused, especially when Roger steals their attention as his latest persona:  a non-verbal newborn baby.  Then it gets weirder.

Sequestered in the basement with his mattress and television set, Stan sets up the antenna and gets nothing but static.  Then suddenly, Stan is woken from his slumber by the sweet sound of jazz, as a show finally comes in: “Nighthawks Hideaway”.

“Nighthawks Hideaway” intro with Alistair Covax

“Weclome Nighthawks, we’ve been expecting you.  The hour is late but the party is just getting started.  I’m Alistair Covax, your host for a sophistical little soirée with jazz, stimulating conversation, beautiful ladies…and more jazz.”

“What IS this show?” asks Stan.  It’s in black and white and clearly from the 1960s.

“Charlie, play some of those notes you know I like,” says Alistair to the jazz pianist.

Nothing on Google.  No record of the host Alistair Covax (Star Trek‘s Chris Pine) either.  Even TV Guide magazine says the show does never existed…but they know of a support group for people who claim to have seen Nighthawks Hideaway!  A show that does not exist…but multiple people have seen it.  Shades of Shazam/Kazaam!

Investigating the support group, Stan finds only one other attendee:  neighbour Al Tuttle (Richard Kind).

“There used to be more people, but one by one, they stopped coming,” explains Tuttle.

But what about the show?  “There’s only one episode!  And it re-runs over and over and over on channel 36!”

It’s even stranger than that.  “There’s only one episode…but it changes!  Little…differences in the show!  I keep track of them!”

That night, Stan notices something different on Nighthawks Hideaway.  Tuttle is in the show!  Not believeing his eyes, he knows further investigation is required.  Tuttle’s house is empty, but Stan finds his TV and notebook.  Here, Tuttle tracked differences from night to night.  The last page has the ominous note “I MUST GO IN.”

Stan studies the book and tracks the changes, night after night, in the basement on the old TV and finally discovers what happened to Al Tuttle.  And that’s when things get really Twilight Zone, and to go further would get into spoiler territory.

This episode “Rabbit Ears” was a truly fresh spin on a classic science fiction / horror theme.  Perhaps this style of storytelling is coming back into vogue.  There is a rebooted Twilight Zone now, hosted by Jordan Peele.  Regardless of trends, American Dad are still the masters of a specific type of surreal animated comedy.  The show is its own genre now, and “Rabbit Ears” is a clear indicator that its potential remains wide open.  Keep ’em coming.

5/5 stars

 

 

MOVIE REVIEW: The Captains (2011)

This review is for Sebastien!

CAPTAINS 1

THE CAPTAINS (2011, directed by William Shatner)

Who else but William Shatner should do a documentary on all the major Star Trek captains and the people who played them? Shatner obviously knows the rigors of a weekly TV series, and the impact that Star Trek has on a career. With that in mind, Shatner boards a Bombardier jet to speak with Patrick Stewart, Avery Brooks, Kate Mulgrew, Scott Bakula, and Chris Pine.

William Shatner is excellent as an interested, intelligent interviewer. Just watch him with Patrick Stewart. Listen to his questions, as he probes. These are some of the best, deepest Star Trek interviews you will ever see. Shatner clearly has a talent for conversation. This is a remarkable side of the man that has carefully crafted a later image as a funny guy. The only place he awkwardly stumbles is with Avery Brooks.  Brooks, also a very intelligent man, chooses to answer many of his questions by tinkling away at a piano. That must have been strange….

If you are a fan of Star Trek, old generation, next generation, any generation, then this movie is recommended. It will certainly help you get to know and appreciate these great actors who played the captains. William Shatner accomplishes this with an appropriate mix of humour (watch how he meets Kate Mulgrew) and feeling. Mix into that some wonderful footage of him clowning around at conventions, too.

Great film. Shatner’s best directorial offering.

4/5 stars