ERIC DANVILLE – The Official Heavy Metal Book of Lists (2009 Backbeat Books)

“Official”?  How the hell does anyone claim to publish an “official” heavy metal book of lists?  Maybe by getting Lemmy Kilmister to write your forward, perhaps?  That will do for a start.  Using the KISS font and putting a great illustration on your front cover always go a long way to looking “official”.  That “parental advisory” stamp in the corner is the final touch.

This book is tremendous fun.  I generally don’t go for “list” books.  Mrs. LeBrain bought this book for Christmas one year, because she thought it looked cool.  Always grateful, I gave it a shot.  You will always have your own favourites to add to any list, but this book isn’t really like that.

These lists are far more entertaining, interesting, and page-turning than “top 10” this or that.  For example:

• The PMRC’s infamous “Filthy 15” songs and their ratings.

• 15 metal bands who got their name from J.R.R. Tolkien.  I for one didn’t know that Burzum was an Orcish word for “darkness”.  (And yes, Marillion is on this list.)

• Oderus Urungus’ 10 sickest things to ever happen at a GWAR show.  A fan in excruciating pain because he got his hair caught in Beefcake the Mighty’s tuning pegs had to have it cut on stage.

• 8 heavy metal songs the government has used to torture prisoners at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay.  “Enter Sandman”?  Really?  Do terrorists hate the Black album too?

• 19 unlikely heavy metal pairings.  Unfortunately, I do remember when Lil’ Kim appeared on Tommy Lee’s first album by Methods of Mayhem.

• 9 non-metal artists who do a song called “Heavy Metal”.  Miles Davis!

• 12 people who found themselves on the business end of Sharon Osbourne.  Elton John tried to bed the same man as Sharon, so she drove to his house, shit on his driveway, and then smeared the shit all over Elton’s Rolls.

Then there are lists assembled by people that some may have heard of.  A porn director named Matt Zane lists 25 metalheads who were in porn movies.  Twiggy Ramirez is somebody I never want to see naked.  Then porn star Jasmin St. Claire lists 20 reasons that metal dudes and metal girls are so hot.  Sasha Grey lists her 16 favourite metal albums, and she has some heavy tastes (she loves Rollins).

The book is rounded out by fun caricatures by Cliff Mott. He makes it pretty easy to identify the rock stars he’s depicting.  Lemmy kind of looks like Lemmy no matter how you draw him.

5/5 stars