RECORD STORE TALES #1116: Oh, the Boss is Coming!

Oh, the boss is coming!
You better look busy,
They’re not paying you for nothing!

— ARKELLS

If there’s time to lean,
There’s time to clean.

— THE BOSS AT THE RECORD STORE “The Beat Goes On”

They used to call it “fucking the dog”.  I don’t know what vernacular the youth of today use, but that’s what we used to call slacking off on the job:  dog fucking.

I have known some expert dog fuckers in my day.  I know one guy who had taken it to a fine art.  I won’t tell you any details about this fine young man, except to say he was a maestro of dog fucking.   He was the Bach, the Beethoven, of slacking off on the job.  Let’s call him Smart Guy.  He truly was a smart guy, which is one reason he was able to get so much paid free time at work.  He was no dummy.  But man, he had a system!

Smart Guy had a different boss from me.  Everyone liked him.  He was pretty grounded for a guy who was destined for big things.  He worked in a small room, with a friend of mine.  Because of this, I heard things and that’s why I can tell this story.

I learned from Smart Guy that Honda Civics were very popular with his age group because they were easy to customize.  I had no interest in this, but I took interest for the sake of conversation.  I’d stroll into their room, and Smart Guy would be on eBay looking for Civic parts.  Maybe a fender, maybe hubcabs, maybe a spoiler, I don’t know.  He was always shopping for car parts.

He was also very tech-savvy.  For example he figured out how to send coded messages to my printer, in an effort to freak me out.  He was also very playful.  He printed out numerous pictures of clowns and hid them all over his room.  Sort of a calling card for after he left.  I had to find all those clowns when he eventually did move on to bigger things!

So how did he get away with it?  By being a fast, efficient worker, and always having one project complete at all times — just not handed in.

So, if his boss walked in and he was fucking the dog, he’d just hand him a completed piece of work.  “I’m all done this project, here you go!”

“Oh, thanks Smart Guy!  Great.  OK, I’ll leave you to your work.”

That was it.  Pretty smart guy, eh?