01 Shake Your Tail Feather – Ray Charles
02 10001110101 – Clutch
03 Burn in Hell – Twisted Sister
04 White Room – Cream
05 Sasquatch – Tenacious D
06 My Thang – James Brown
07 Hocus Pocus – Focus
08 Bullet in the Head – Rage Against the Machine
09 My God – Jethro Tull
10 Time of the Season – The Zombies
11 Carry On – Crosby, Stills & Nash
12 Papa Was a Rolling Stone – Sly & the Family Stone
13 Grendel – Marillion
14 DDPP – Five Alarm Funk
15 Starman – David Bowie
16 Stinkfist – Tool
17 Red Tide Rising – Orange Goblin
18 Child in Time (Made in Japan) – Deep Purple
19 Roadie – Tenacious D
20 The Pot – Tool
21 Livin’ Thing – Electric Light Orchestra
22 A Little Less Conversation – Elvis Presley
23 Killers – Iron Maiden
24 Iceberg – Five Alarm Funk
25 25 Minutes to Go – Johnny Cash
26 Watermelon Man – Herbie Hancock
27 Black Sabbath – Black Sabbath
28 Have a Cigar – Pink Floyd
29 The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room – Flight of the Conchords
30 Seasons in the Abyss – Slayer
31 Ophelia – The Band
32 Hey Ladies – Beastie Boys
33 Tin Foil Hat – Scott Dunbar
34 SpaceGrass – Clutch
35 Glamour Boy – The Guess Who
36 Peace of Mind – Boston
37 Cemetary Gates – Pantera
38 The Zoo (Worldwide Live) – Scorpions
39 Sign of the Gypsy Queen – April Wine
40 Any Way You Want It – Journey
41 Dirty Work – Steely Dan
42 Love Me Like a Reptile – Motorhead
43 Couldn’t Stand the Weather – Stevie Ray Vaughan
44 Waterloo Sunset – The Kinks
45 Dragon Attack – Queen
46 Let There Be Rock – AC/DC
47 Careful With That Axe Eugene – Pink Floyd
48 Afternoon Delight – The Starland Vocal Band
49 Simple Man – Lynyrd Skynyrd
50 Wasn’t That a Party – The Irish Rovers
51 Land of 1000 Dances – Wilson Pickett
52 Kashmir – Led Zeppelin
53 Breakdown – Tom Petty
54 Battery – Metallica
55 Demons Be Gone – Five Alarm Funk
56 I’m My Own Grandpa – Willie Nelson
57 Because I Got High – Afroman
58 Rubbernecker – Grand Funk Railroad
59 Telephone Line – Electric Light Orchestra
60 Fatso Forgotso – Kyuss
61 Lay Down – Priestess
62 Last of the V8 Interceptors – Sheavy
63 In the Summertime – Mungo Jerry
64 Renegade – Styx
65 Rubber Biscuit – The Blues Brothers
66 Black Betty – Ram Jam
67 Try a Little Tenderness – Otis Redding
68 Aces High (Live After Death) – Iron Maiden
69 Saturn III – Fu Manchu
70 Electric Eye – Judas Priest
71 Cortez the Killer – Neil Young
72 If I Only Knew – Tom Jones
73 Light Up – Styx
74 Suicide and Redemption – Metallica
75 My Own Bare Hands – Ween
76 Nowhere Man – The Beatles
77 Street Fightin Man – Street Fighting Man
78 Mouth For War – Pantera
79 Sir Duke – Stevie Wonder
80 California Dreaming – The Mamas and the Papas
81 It’s Late – Queen
82 Fire – Jimi Hendrix
83 The Hardest Button to Button – The White Stripes
84 Touch Too Much – AC/DC
85 Tres Brujas – The Sword
86 Am I Evil? – Metallica/Diamond Head mashup
87 Insane in the Membrane – Cypress Hill
88 Harold on the Rocks – Primus
89 Spin the Black Circle – Pearl Jam
90 Guns Guns Guns – The Guess Who
91 Dissident Aggressor – Judas Priest
92 Ozone Baby – Led Zeppelin
93 Sure Shot – Beastie Boys
94 Emerald – Thin Lizzy
95 The Grudge – Tool
96 Fireworks – The Tragically Hip
97 Cars – Gary Numan
98 What’s Wrong with the World Today – Flight of the Conchords
99 Billion Dollar Babies – Alice Cooper
100 Mr. Roboto – Styx
On Friday I was itching to go. I made a post here, critiquing my passenger Uncle Meat for wanting to stop at both Walmart and Value Village before hitting the Sausage Road. He’s a grown man and could be a little better prepared…but I too am a grown man who can admit when he is wrong. And I was wrong. The Walmart and Value Village stops were actually two of my favourite things that happened.
“I wanna stop at the Walmart up by St. Jacobs,” said Meat. Cool. I try to make a point of checking the toy section at every Walmart, because it’s the out-of-the-way ones where you can find the rare stuff. I made a beeline and lo! One, two, three, four, FIVE brand new Transformers figures. I grabbed all five and hit the checkout, so excited about my excellent find. These are toys that collectors are having a hard time finding anywhere. This led directly to…
“I want something ridiculous,” said Uncle Meat as we hit the T-shirts. Immediately, I spotted an Optimus Prime shirt waiting right there for me, the first shirt we saw. My size! I then found rather quickly a bright orange George Jones “The Living Legend” shirt. It had to come with us to Sausagefest. Finally, after going through just about every shirt in the store, Meat found it like destiny:
These two stops really set the tone for the whole weekend. They were:
1. Everything coming together perfectly, and
2. Dr. Dave Haslam’s hate-on for Optimus Prime.
I love when a plan comes together.
One plan that did not come together was my tent, which broke immediately just out of the box. Fortunately you can always count on certain Sausagefesters to always bring gorilla and/or duct tape. The tent weathered both nights.
The Countdown began promptly at Whenever O’clock and rapidly ticked down 50 + 2 tracks in one night, plus numerous bits and sketches. 50 +2?
We lost one of our own this year and Rush’s “Dreamline” was played in his honour. Many were decked in neon orange in honour of his old orange boiler suit. Troy was a truly good soul, a human being with a solid heart of gold. He always made me feel welcome from my first Sausagefest on, and many years before that too as we had friends in common. “Learning that we’re only immortal for a limited time” was a poignant lyric, but what really made it special was a tribute that Jeff Woods himself recorded for it. The Legend of Classic Rock participated in a sketch/tribute that made eyes wet and some bellies laugh. The tone was flawless and it is truly good to know what integrity looks like up close and personal.
“Dreamline” was not part of the official countdown, nor was a bit that I snuck into my own intro as a part of The Mamas and the Papas’ “California Dreaming”. I sandwiched my personal introduction into Jeff Russo’s “Main Title” from Star Trek: Discovery, a show I’ve been hyping all year long. Russo (of the rock band Tonic) composed a dramatic, striking piece working in elements from the original show. I’m glad to have a chance to showcase it in its entirety, albeit with a long interlude of my shit in the middle.
Don’t forget the two minutes of “improvised scatting”, precisely because Troy would have hated that kind of shit! And it was so funny that I couldn’t breathe for two minutes straight. The Countdown (all a blur to me now) ran from #100 to 91 (10 songs total) with no comedy bits, because Troy always said “Less talk, more rock!” They cut the crap and just played the tunes.
I can tell you that we heard Styx that night (“Mr. Roboto” and “Light Up”), some Five Alarm Funk, Beastie Boys, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Willie Nelson, and…a blur of songs and comedy. There were a few rap tracks this year, certainly a record number. Afroman and Cypress Hill made their debuts. A list is forthcoming.
50 more tracks to count down.
Uncle Meat was up early (for him) at 9:30, and in great spirits despite a bad back the night before. We made our way to Flesherton where Uncle Meat destroyed the men’s toilet at the Flying Spatula. Emerging from the washroom he announced to the world, “Don’t use the one on the left!” He annihilated the toilet again on our way out, and that of an outhouse on the way back to the farm. I felt bad for the next guy in line waiting to use the outhouse, but Meat made it out of there really quick.
But I digress. The Flying Spatula was a great ol’ time even though the Lamb Lord got mad at me for taking a picture of his food.
Back on the farm, we played a cool game I call “Knife Chucking”. It’s kind of like axe throwing, but more special because those daggers were hand-forged by our very own Chuck. And it was way fun! A knife actually got lost in the dirt, and then plowed over by mistake by tractor. But we found it as a team with a metal detector (for real!) and a rake!
I goaded Dr. Dave to rant some more about the Transformers. Man, he really hates the Transformers. Do not watch this video if you are easily butthurt!
The second night commenced with lamb, perfectly marinated and cooked to medium by our chef the Lamb Lord. It was gone so fast that Uncle Meat didn’t even get a slice.
The rock resumed. The Blues Brothers was #1…Clutch #2…and Twisted Sister at #3 with “Burn in Hell”. More Five Alarm Funk, Queen, Tool…just a blur of songs. But probably most impressive to some of us: “Grendel” by Marillion, in its entirety. A 17-minute track within the top 20, and yet momentum was strong.
I have a literal Meat-ton of a video to sift through, but with perfect weather and setting, Sausagefest 2018 was once again utopia on Earth.
And a big, big, big thank you to Jeff Woods, the real Legend of Rock and Roll, for helping us out this year. Meat sent you a personal gift as well. I know you’re about 40 kilometers downriver from us in the valley. Uncle Meat kept having to shit that day sir. Meat took a shit in the river, and his shit signal should be with you by now. Mr. Woods, you are a huge inspiration and truly a man among men.
And woman! One woman. Sausagefest has its first woman and she is one of the guys! A massive first that may have been overdue!
My sun baked skin is aching for the comfort of a shower. Enjoy the photos. Lots more to come.
I sit here writing this on Saturday morning, the coldest I’ve ever been at Sausagefest. From heat wave to chill. Uncle Meat slept in the car. No tent for him. Too cold.
7:30 am. As the sun moves into position, it’s starting to warm.
We had a great first night, though I had some lower body pain and had to lie down. I spent two hours in the tent listening to the Countdown.
Tool. Priest. Willie. Rush. Sheavy. ‘Tallica. Beasties. Five Alarm Funk. Much more. Amazing tunes last night.
There was one hiccup. My brand new tent broke immediately out of the box. Not impressed. Gorilla tape to the rescue. My tent looks like the stunted stepchild of everybody else’s tent.
I slept well, and I will do better tonight. Let’s do it!
GETTING MORE TALE #685: First Signs of Sausagefest
To quote Bon Jon Bovi, it feels somethin’ like summertime.
Ever since my first time back in ’06, summer is about Sausagefest. It’s just a month away now and I can already feel the cool waters of the Beaver River on my feet.
It has been hot in Ontario this past week. I have been sporting my hair long, but the sweaty heat is a severe deterrent. I originally wanted to try have bangin’ long hair at Sausagefest for the first time this summer. That’s not gonna happen. I have surrendered to the summer. The hair is gone. The first sign of Sausagefest has arrived: my shaved head.
Before & After
Other preparations are under way. Several weeks ago, Uncle Meat gave me the list of songs for me to introduce. I’m very excited because the ideas started poppin’ right away. I have been gathering funny audio bits for almost a year now, but I have pared them all down to the funniest. I learned from last year when I took everything to excess, and I think this time I have distilled all my stuff down to the crème de la crème. Trimmed away a lot of fat.
Just as, I hope, the Lamb Lord will be trimming the fat on his massive side of lamb for the BBQ once again.
Now that the hair decision has been made, I have been pondering some new purchases for this year’s Fest.
This will be the last Sausagefest for the old Pontiac. I’ll be getting something bigger in the fall. Space in the car is an issue, since I drive two people and all their stuff. But I want to make room for this baby below.
Someone brought Jon Snow’s sword one year, and I have been known to sport a machete on my belt. This year, perhaps a more practical weapon would be something that could light our way in the darkness after sunset: a Kylo Ren lightsaber.
These beauty “weapons” are dropping in price, and wouldn’t it be super cool to have one as a nightlight? It would sure beat glow sticks. Not a small investment, however, and you wouldn’t want it to get damaged up there.
What do you think, LeBrain readers? Is this a worthy investment? Stand up and be counted in the poll below.
Keep in mind I could use that money for many other, more practical things. New shoes. New glasses. A new tent. New Guns N’ Roses and Def Leppard box sets.
Check back and see where the poll leads and take part in the discussion in the comments.
Back to work on my recordings for song intros. Can’t wait to see the reactions this time.
From last year’s recordings
GETTING MORE TALE #576: “Why’d You Lick My Pee-noose?”
The Sausagefest 2017 Countdown
By the time it was all over I fairly surmised that, personally speaking, Sausagefest 2017 (the 16th annual) was the best one yet.
There are many reasons for this. One happened by pure change.
The weather reports for the weekend were changing daily. I contacted Uncle Meat on Wednesday to tell him they were calling for rain all weekend. He responded, “No they’re not, are you new?” But they were! And the next day, the forecasts had changed again.
By our Friday departure the skies were partly cloudy, but we’ve seen worse. After we arrived and set up our tents it started pouring for a short while. The old fire pit was flooded. When the rain stopped the decision was made to move the location for the Countdown, uphill on dry land. This was the first time the actual location had ever been changed after 15 years down by the river. It turned out that this was the best possible decision. The new location was wide open, more conductive to mingling and conversation, and as you have seen, provided some beautiful photographs. The new location will be permanent from now on.
I felt one of the reasons things went so well for me was good preparation, but that may not be the case. Uncle Meat also had a great time, and was so ill-prepared that he only arranged a tent to sleep in when we were halfway there! Way to be ready, Uncle Meat!
The vibe was right from the get-go and the Countdown began on time.
Highlights from the first night included some lesser-heard tracks:
- Queen – “We Will Rock You” – the “fast” version
- Deep Purple – “Vavoom: Ted the Mechanic”
- Kiss – “Shock Me” – live version from Alive II with solo
- The Beatles – “Helter Skelter” – mono version
- Queen – “My Fairie King”
- Mercyful Fate – “Into the Coven”
There were lots of cool tunes this year: 87 in total including tributes (more on those later). “Indians” by Anthrax was a perfectly appropriate song this year too, since I pulled a large chunk of my own recorded bits from the Brocket 99 CD, a spoof of Indian reservation radio stations. (I voted for “Indians” as #22 on my list.)
And plenty more! You can check out the Countdown list yourself. It was also a treat hearing Ray Charles’ “Mess Around”, which you probably know from John Candy in Planes Trains and Automobiles. Rainbow’s “Light in the Black” was a personal favourite for my air guitar workout.
The comedy sketches were on-point, and I had tears streaming down my face laughing so hard. The Lord of Lamb, Zach Britton, wrote a sketch regarding my insistence that a Bacon Big Mac is not the same thing as a Big Mac. Bacon is not in the Big Mac song, therefore a Bacon Big Mac is not the same thing. Britton rebutted me successfully, and hilariously. “Loosey Goosey” is now a catch-phrase. As a peace offering, he gifted me a bottle of Big Mac sauce.
The first night it rained, but it mattered not as we huddled in our waterproof tents. We were up by the crack of 10:00 to grab breakfast at the Spatula – not the “Flying” Spatula anymore, please note. They have officially changed the name of the place, but still offer the “Flesherton Fill-up” for breakfast. Not as large, nor as good as it was in the past. On the way up, Uncle Meat yelled “Loosey Goosey!” at anyone we passed on the road.
You have to give credit to our Spatula server Heather. I sat with Max “I’m kind of a big deal” the Axe, and I got to witness him working his magic on Heather the server. He promised her the last CD copy in existence of one of his albums. What a deal! Max told me I had a good singing voice. Was he hitting on me, too? Wayne also had a golden line at the store Top of the Rock, with the girl who was distributing bags of ice. “Are you the ice lady? Ice to meet you!”
There was a new exciting twist this year at the 16th Sausagefest. Submitting lists (aka “paying your rock and roll taxes”) has long been a problem. Some people are always prompt. Those people were rewarded with an extra song, a “tribute” this year. Mine was The Police – “Next to You”. That was a blast for air guitar. You can see by the list at bottom, only eight people got tributes. That means only eight people got their lists in on time without nagging! Due to the amount of time it takes to compile the votes and actually record the Countdown, it was decided that this time, you must vote for 2018’s songs by the end of the weekend. And so Saturday afternoon was spent socially compiling lists. It was weird seeing a bunch of guys at Sausagefest with clipboards and pens, furiously writing, colluding and discussing. It was also successful. All lists are in. There will be a whole year to compile and record for 2018!
The second evening had more great rock. Ghost, Dunsmuir, The Sword, Iron Maiden, CCR, Floyd, Purple, Tenacious D, Sabbath and Zeppelin…all building up to the top ten. Not only building up to the top ten, but also setting up the very first Sausagefest live theater….
There were plenty of fake-out tracks in the top ten, as they pretended they couldn’t read the songs written on Uncle Meat’s upper thigh. Sabbath, Rush and Metallica were played eventually. After the #2 track “The Immigrant Song” (Zeppelin), there was an announcement made.
Tom, father of four, the co-founder, the Captain himself, wanted to take a step back. Recording the Countdown was no longer possible for him, due to family demands at home. This made sense, since the guy does have four rugrats and was absent from some of the top ten due to a supposed argument with his wife about it. They saved the announcement for the #1 spot. Only one person was told in advance, and that was the immortal Lord of Lamb himself, Zach Britton. As the song lyrics state, “He is the reason we still do this shit.” He was given a 20 minute heads-up to collect his emotions.
As the announcement was made, they said there would be no #1 song this year. They’d play it first in 2018. Instead, they played the traditional “Happy Trails” by Van Halen as Tom clinked glasses and shook hands with attendees. And then Zach got up to make a speech. He was obviously still shocked and upset by this sad turn of events.
His speech began as expected: melodramatic, sad, and stirring…until it was interrupted.
There was a 4 minute 30 second gap built into the Countdown…specifically timed for Zach to start his speech but not finish. All part of the pre-planned “live theater”. Then….
“ZACH BRITTON!” boomed the speakers.
Suddenly the Countdown recording continued, as a pre-recorded Bucky urged Zach to shut the fuck up and sit back down because he had just been pranked! Tom wasn’t retiring. Zach didn’t have a clue, nor did any of the rest of us! We all bought it, hook line and sinker, even though Tom has 12 months to record for 2018. It seemed so believable especially with that supposed “argument” with his wife built into the recordings. So I raised my goblet of Romulan Ale to Zach “the Lord of Lamb” Britton for being a great sport and a diamond geezer! The “live theater”, the first ever attempted at Sausagefest, was a tremendous success. As Uncle Meat said afterwards, “They will never ever trust us again.” It easily could have gone sideways, if Zach didn’t stand up to make his speech. They were counting on him and he fell right into it. Brilliant live theater!
The actual #1 song, played after the live theater, was “Cygnus X-1” by Rush, a fantastic song on which to close.
The following morning, we packed up to go home. As per usual, Uncle Meat kept singing and repeating one sentence. This year, it was a ditty called “Why’d You Lick My Penis (Rectum)”.*
“Why’d you lick my pee-noose…why’d you lick my pee-noose, rectum…” Over and over again. You can hear this on the Sausagefest video.
We made our way home, but for many of the guys, it was time to rock again. Five Alarm Funk played a free show in London on Sunday night, and a few tired ‘Festers trekked out to party some more. Totally fitting, since Five Alarm Funk had three songs on this year’s Countdown.
What a Sausagefest! Best one ever? Until next year, maybe….
|2||The Immigrant Song||Led Zeppelin|
|4||Heaven and Hell||Black Sabbath|
|5||La Villa Strangiato||Rush|
|6||Sweat||Five Alarm Funk|
|8||When the Levee Breaks||Led Zeppelin|
|10||Rocky Raccoon||The Beatles|
|12||The Chain||Fleetwood Mac|
|13||Quick Death in Texas||Clutch|
|14||Muffin Man||Frank Zappa|
|15||Cloak of Feathers||The Sword|
|17||Consolers of the Lonely||The Raconteurs|
|18||Space Truckin’||Deep Purple|
|19||Zenith Escalator||Five Alarm Funk|
|20||Pigs (Three Different Ones)||Pink Floyd|
|23||Wasted Years||Iron Maiden|
|25||The Mob Goes Wild||Clutch|
|27||Time Travelling Blues||Orange Goblin|
|29||46 and 2||Tool|
|31||Money For Nothing||Dire Straits|
|32||The Lemon Song||Led Zeppelin|
|34||Hung on the Rocks||Dunsmuir|
|35||Cosmo Bozo||Orange Goblin|
|36||Layla||Derek and the Dominoes|
|39||Catholic Girls||Frank Zappa|
|41||Nautical Disaster||Tragically Hip|
|42||Skullduggin||Black Joe Lewis|
|43||Squash That Fly||Fu Manchu|
|45||I Should Have Known It||Tom Petty|
|46||Great Gig in the Sky||Pink Floyd|
|47||Heart of the Sunrise||Yes|
|48||Inside Looking Out||Grand Funk Railroad|
|49||Boston Rag||Steely Dan|
|50||Lady Writer||Dire Straits|
|51||Helter Skelter||The Beatles|
|52||My Fairie King||Queen|
|53||Into the Coven||Mercyful Fate|
|54||After the Gold Rush||Neil Young|
|55||Watcher of the Skies||Genesis|
|58||Domino||Masters of Reality|
|59||The Soft Parade||The Doors|
|60||Smoke 2 Joints||Sublime|
|61||Cosmic Fiend||The Black Crowes|
|62||London Calling||The Clash|
|64||Light in the Black||Rainbow|
|65||Wha Cha Want||Beastie Boys|
|66||Mess Around||Ray Charles|
|67||500 Miles||John Garcia|
|68||Ted the Mechanic||Deep Purple|
|70||We Will Rock You – Fast||Queen|
|71||Everyday People||Sly and the Family Stone|
|72||(NOT SURE?)||(Uncle Meat??)|
|73||Our Only Master||Dunsmuir|
|74||We All Scream||Five Alarm Funk|
|76||She Caught the Katy||The Blues Brothers|
|77||Take Off||Bob and Doug McKenzie|
|79||Low Hanging Fruit||Tenacious D|
|ALFRED||Old Time Rock and Roll||Bob Seger|
|LADANO||Next to You||The Police|
|MICHAEL||Don’t Fear the Reaper||Blue Oyster Cult|
|FRANK||Ride Captain Ride||Blues Image Ltd.|
|TYLER W||Belly of the Beast||Anthrax|
|ROB A||Tricky||Run DMC|
*Search terms on that one oughtta be funny.