Part 264: Garbage Removal Machine / REVIEW: Motley Crue – Lewd, Crued & Tattooed – Live

First the tale, then the review.  I would like to dedicate this one to DEKE, Thunder Bay’s hardest rocker, who titled this story for me.  And to Jason C, who just yesterday won tickets to the Toronto show on the Final Tour with Alice Cooper!  Lucky…!

RECORD STORE TALES Part 264:  Garbage Removal Machine

The year was 2004.  I had always been an active on various “social media” but back then the place to be was called IAM.  Iam.bmezine was the full name, but it was where I spent most of my time, and where some of the journals that appear here today originated.

I had joined an IAM book exchange group and specified that I was interested in collecting Stephen King.  Someone sent me The Stand and I was hooked, so I wanted to get more into the mythos.  This girl from Thunder Bay, Ontario sent me a few more as well.  A little bit later, she moved to Waterloo for school.  We met at William’s coffee pub to exchange some more stuff.  She was wearing a Motley Crue – Girls, Girls, Girls T-shirt.

One thing led to another and we ended up going out.  She came over to my place and we watched a couple rock movies.  She was into all things “retro”, so I decided to give her all my old cassettes.  Everything that was duplicated on CD, I gave to her.  All my Iron Maiden, all my Judas Priest, Motley Crue, Van Halen…everything that I had on disc.  She gladly took them, and I gladly took back my storage closet.

In return, she gave me her copy of Motley Crue’s DVD Lewd, Crued & Tattooed – Live.  “It sucks,” she said.  “Vince Neil sucks now.  I was so disappointed.”  I didn’t have the DVD, and it wasn’t especially high on my radar because yes, the Crue had been sucking as of late.  However the presence of Samantha Maloney on drums (filling in for the terminally ill Randy Castillo) meant that it was the kind of one-off that I enjoy owning.

One of the better performances

A couple of weeks went by with Thunder Bay Girl, but my guard was up; my spider senses were tingling.  I felt like she was obsessing a bit.  A bit later she told me that the reason she sent me the Stephen King books in the first place was just to contact me; she went out to a used bookstore, bought a couple Kings and sent them to me.  I know, not exactly So I Married An Axe Murderer behaviour, but there were other factors that made me start to feel uncomfortable.  When she asked me what I wanted for my birthday that year, I decided to pull the plug before it got too far.

I did the manly thing, and dumped her by email.  I know, I know.  All I can say in my defense is that I was right.  My spider senses detected something alright.  Although it didn’t happen immediately, she eventually exploded like a powder keg.  We chose to “remain friends” (not a good idea) but friendship soon turned to a hateful obsession.  She exploded on me one day — something about a ferret?  Eventually she moved back to Thunder Bay, and I never heard from her again.  I like to think that she took my tapes with her, and dumped them in a Thunder Bay landfill out of pure spite.  Although I wish I had kept some of those cassettes, I’ve decided to maintain a safe distance from Thunder Bay at all times.  It’s the only way to be sure.

MOTLEY SUCK_0001MOTLEY CRUE – Lewd, Crued & Tattooed – Live (2001 Motley Records DVD)

Here’s Uncle LeBrain with a dose of reality: This DVD sucks. Truly. It sucks. The New Tattoo album wasn’t great to start with, but this is awful. The awfulness can be boiled down to one factor: Vince Neil, the laziest singer in rock. Here, a breathless Neil does his thing: lets the crowd sing half the song, skips every other word, and weasels his way out of the tough notes.  Set-list wise, this relies heavily on the Motley hits with very little deviation. Which is good, can Vince even remember the lyrics to obscure tunes?

So embarrassing is Vince Neil’s performance on this DVD that I have only managed to watch the whole thing twice.  The main reason to own it is Samantha Maloney. Diehard Crue-heads will remember that drummer Randy Castillo had replaced Tommy Lee, but himself had to sit out the tour due to the cancer that eventually killed him. Ex-Hole drummer Samantha Maloney, the first and only girl to be in The Crue, took his place and did admirably well.  It all came to an end when she hooked up with Nikki Sixx.  You knew these guys just could not be in a band with a girl.

A second reason for me to keep this in my collection is “Nobody Knows What It’s Like To Be Lonely”.  This is an audio-only track, and also the first-ever official release of one of the earliest Motley songs.  To date, the only official release.  It was recorded in May 1981 at the same session that yielded Motley’s first single “Toast of the Town” / “Stick To Your Guns”.  I believe the song used to be known as “I Got the Power” and was written by Nikki Sixx for his old band, London.  It does piss me off that this audio track is only on a DVD, not a CD, but I’m sure those more tech-savvy than me can rip it to an mp3 file.

2/5 stars

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54 comments

        1. I wasn’t adopting the ferret, but I still may have dodged a bullet. I was supposed to drive somewhere to help her deliver this ferret to somebody else. I had to cancel because I couldn’t get the time off. She frickin’ exploded on me! Like I could do anything about it? She was evil, man.

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        2. Well, some crazy ladies have lots of cats. And some… have… ferrets. It’s what makes the world a beautiful place man. There’s room for all the colours and kinds of crazy.

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  1. For some weird reason I actually own this! Think I’ve only watched it once… as I was reading the start of the post I was thinking “I remember Primal Scream being pretty good” and that’s the clip you ended up linking to! Good choice.

    And as far as obsessive women go… I demand nothing less!

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      1. I’m tempted to watch it again actually! I don’t remember it being quite this bad… Did you ever get the Carnival of Sins one that came out later? I’ve only watched that once too (but I did see them on that tour so maybe that counts as twice?)

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        1. I have that too and I enjoyed it a lot more. I thought it was a lot stronger. On this thing, you can tell the venue isn’t as big, Tommy’s not there (nothing against Samantha but Tommy is 1/4 of Motley), but mostly it’s Vince that is the issue. The guy is so damn lazy.

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  2. That’s the first time I’ve heard of a ferret being a breaking point – incidentally, ferrets are my favourite animal plural (like pride of lions, school of fish): A business of ferrets.

    Will you be seeing Alice & Motley this year?

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  3. FANTASTIC……I have been waiting for the column and now I know the deal!
    I don’t know what it is with some Tbay women there was a woman here a few yrs ago back that Gowan had to put a restraining order on or sumthin to that effect…by the way loved the reference to the powder keg explosion!!
    Too bad man,if u are ever passing thru here I know some law enforcement that will guide u a safe passage!..hahahaha…..
    As for the DVD release….seen it never wanted to own it….Vince singing on studio albums is one thing ..live we all know the deal!!!
    This whole farewell announcement in my book is a bunch of Sixx bullshit….they aren’t stopping they will just continue like the Scorpions farewell tour what is up to yr 7 of the farewell tour for them???
    I do hope they keep the tix down like they said they would,that’s a great idea plus having the Coop with them is cool as he did a awesome job opening for Maiden back in 2012,but unless it’s Crabby singing lead I ain’t got no time for this one!…

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    1. Had to give you a credit at the top man :) Great title.

      T-Bay girls, even Gowan’s had his experiences with them. That says it all. Gowan dated an ex-girlfriend’s cousin for a while. I never got to meet him, dammit.

      Here’s a thought for ya. It’ll never happen, but wouldn’t it be great if the three Motley guys called up Corabi and said, “Wanna form a new band?” I think Nikki and Corabi have had their issues though, in regards to lawsuits and so on.

      The Coop would make the whole show worthwhile, even to a Motley hater. You know Alice will put everything he’s got into his set, and I’m sure it’ll be an hour set or more.

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      1. Yeah man the Crabby idea is good but he would never trust those guys except for Mick!!…..I don’t think Sixx has another solid 10 songs for one album left in his tank!

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        1. I heard a few tracks I don’t know man,all these offspring bands These guys in Crue have to realize once this supposed farewell tour ends that’s it for them. No more arenas ….
          Back to the bars(remember 1994 tour ??!)auditoriums (hello Vince back to Tbay for a 4th time!) classic rock festivals await!!!
          Than again there is no talk of any new recording so it will be the same ol situation er I mean set list making the rounds!
          It sounds like I’m ragging well I guess if they actually do shutdown in 2015 I’ll listen to all of Theater Of Pain front to back! As punishment !
          hahahaha…..
          It’s just I’m not believing em……

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        2. HAHAH. Well Deke already this morning Vince Neil has said, “We’re not breaking up. We’re still going to record new songs. Maybe even an album.”

          So there you go. I’m siding with you on this one. They signed a contract? HAHAH, who cares! They also all got MOTLEY CRUE tattoos and said, “If one of us leaves, that’s it, no more Crue.” And then Vince left, and in came Corabi. And Tommy Lee/Randy Castillo. I think fuckin’ Corabi even got the Crue tat himself didn’t he? Bad move Crabby! I know he got a Til Death Do Us Part tattoo because he got that and then they changed the name of the album!

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  4. “I did the manly thing, and dumped her by email. I know, I know. All I can say in my defense is that I was right.”

    HahahahahHAHahaHAha that’s the best thing I’ve read this week. Awesome. But at least you got storage back and some King books out of the whole debacle so every cloud….

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    1. Glad you enjoyed John! I’ll share something with you, and that is I’m an insecure writer sometimes and this is one that I was ready to discard :) Glad you had a laugh which validates the whole thing.

      Every cloud! Exactly! And the chance to share these stories is the biggest silver lining, this is what I’ve wanted to do for 15 years or more.

      I did get some great King books. I don’t care what critics say, I enjoy his stuff. It’s brain candy but it keeps me reading. I would like to re-read The Stand.

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      1. I know exactly what you mean Mike. I still think that my writing is utter tosh and that I’m only being humoured by folks! Periodically I’ll write something that I am proud of and feel that, yes, I CAN write.

        Music reviewing is hard I’ve found. I often fear that I don’t know enough about other bands to be able to draw comparisons with the band I am reviewing. But then I also know that reviewing is subjective and personal so really if I can convey successfully the emotion I get from a band/album in words then it’s a job well done. I know when I read reviews I want to know what the author felt about the art in question.

        And yes, King gets some shit from the so-called “proper fiction” brigade. But I would argue that his later work (certainly when he stopped the drinking) has become as vital to the US literature canon as Faulkner, Kerouac et al. His book about the Kennedy assassination is not so much a time travel novel but a work about loss and regret and yearning to change.

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        1. I have my “comfort zone” where I can basically review an album or band in my sleep, and then the stuff outside my comfort zone which takes a lot more time and work. It’s for that reason you don’t see much Zappa, jazz, country or classical here. There’s some but not much. It’s hard for me to come up with anything worthwhile to say!

          That Kennedy novel — what’s the title? Sounds cool.

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        2. Funnily enough there was a discussion about avoiding Zappa’s catalogue due to overwhelming fear, on Twitter this morning!

          The book is 11/22/63. Great book pick it up if you get the chance.

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  5. Ah, the old: Email Dump + Ferret = Explosion. I don’t even know where to start with my comments on this. I’ll just keep laughing :).

    Stephen King books are on my list. I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve read by him, but have barely made a dent in his work. Did you end up reading 11/22/63? If so, what did you think?

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    1. Actually Danica I haven’t read that one. My affair with King ended shortly after this relationship. I bought all the Dark Tower books — every single one — some were only available in hard cover so it wasn’t cheap. THEN I got stuck in the fourth book. I have never gotten myself unstuck!

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