Welcome to The Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’, an ongoing series I’ve been working on in my spare time. But who is Edie?
Edie Van Heelin’ is the lead guitarist of Van Heelin’, the all-female tribute to Van Halen. When she’s not too busy rocking the stages with her stellar curves, and hot covers of classic Van Halen, she leads a secret life as an alien-battling superhero! With the ability to communicate with animals, and an urgent drive to keep them safe, Edie is a modern-day hero with a classic rock sensibility. You’ll often find her clad in her trademark heels and fishnets, all while kicking ass, taking names, and saving animals in danger!
Edie’s cast of characters include:
- Fanboy Mike, an ally and Van Heelin’ superfan. Mike lives in Canada, where he often encounters strange aliens and UFOs.
- Tommy Lee, sometimes friend, sometimes foe, and always annoying! This party-hardy rock star always seems to rub Edie the wrong way.
- Green aliens and animal allies! Can Edie keep her animal friends safe while also keeping the aliens (and Tommy) away from Fanboy Mike?
This story is a collaboration with a good friend of mine who inspired the character of Edie. Like all my fiction, it’s a mixture of reality with a healthy dose of fantasy! We hope you like it.
“Jump” in and get rocked with Edie Van Heelin’! This episode was inspired by Tommy Lee’s new music video, “Bouncy Castle”.
Fanboy Mike sat on the porch of the cottage at midnight on this July night. It was still warm; too warm for slumber. Unable to sleep, he thought he may as well get up. Sipping his drink, Fanboy was content, if restless. There was nothing in the air but the sound of crickets. He breathed deeply, inhaling the sweet country air. Insomnia sucked but there was no better place in the world to have insomnia. If only his friend, Edie Van Heelin’, was here to enjoy it with him. He knew that his high-heeled, animal-loving rock star would love it. He hadn’t seen her in a while. He missed their adventures. Crazy times, they had. There was the time that aliens blew up her hot tub. There was another time she ended up stuck on a UFO with Tommy Lee. Mike chuckled to himself thinking about it.
Taking a deep sip of decaf, Fanboy Mike decided to take a late night stroll. He put his mug down and grabbed his headlight. He strode down the porch steps, into the night. He took a few steps forward and sensed rustling in the trees.
“Just a skunk or racoon,” he reasoned. “Nothing to be afraid of.” He heard a branch snap and then turned on his headlight. Mike jumped back in shock.
Right in front of him was a green alien. Fanboy wanted to scream, but the alien stunned him with a beam that rendered him silent. There was a flash of light, and then quiet. Both Mike and the alien had disappeared.
EDIE VAN HEELIN’ vs. TOMMY LEE in the BOUNCY CASTLE OF DOOM
In California, Edie Van Heelin’ was just finishing up tucking her little ones into bed. It had been a busy month. In addition to playing guitar in her critically acclaimed Van Halen tribute band Van Heelin’, she had also become a guardian of animals. It seemed like every waking moment involved rescuing some animals in distress. Not that she minded. The only thing she loved more than the animals was her own family. It had been a busy month, but Edie was now going to indulge herself with some hot tea, and husband time. Mr. Van Heelin’ was cuing up the next episode of the Sopranos in their big marathon.
“Ready?” he asked with his finger gingerly poised on the remote.
“Ready!” said Edie eagerly.
It was at that exact moment their evening was interrupted by the noise of techno music. Bad techno music. If you could even call it music. What they heard was little more than amateurish noise, far removed from the excellent music they usually enjoyed. Loud beats and shrieking sirens with no direction; just pure idiotic noise. Mr. and Mrs. Van Heelin’ plugged their ears and frowned.
“What the heck is that?” shouted Mr. Van Heelin’.
“I better go look outside!” shouted Edie back.
Mrs. Van Heelin’ put on her brand new pair of silver platform boots, and stepped outside onto the lawn. Looking up, she saw the source of the noise.
“Not these guys again!” she shouted in exasperation. A UFO was flying wildly overhead, polluting the skies with the noise of that terrible techno music.
“Time to be a superhero?” asked Mr. Van Heelin’. He was getting used to her always being on a mission to save somebody.
“Afraid so!” she shouted back. “It’s those damn aliens again!”
Mr. Van Heelin’ came out to give her a good luck kiss. “Get home safe! I’ll keep the Sopranos where we left it.”
With that, Edie clicked the heels of her boots together. They suddenly fired to life! Edie’s new rocket boots were a gift from a tech-wizard fan from the snowy climbs of Northern Ontario Canada; she just couldn’t wait to give them a test flight. She saluted her husband as she lifted off into the night.
“Woooooo!” shouted Edie in glee, as she rocketed through the black skies of California. These new rocket boots were awesome! They were fast and she could easily catch up to that mad UFO. Nobody was about to ruin her night with crap techno music. Although now that she was starting to think about it, she got a bad feeling about the whole situation.
“Bad techno…why does that remind me of something? I can’t quite place my finger on it.”
She flew closer and closer to the alien ship. The saucer gleamed silver in the starlight. Edie began to slow her speed, as she didn’t want to rush this mission. Caution was in order.
“I know what to do,” said Edie. “I’m going to call Fanboy Mike. He knows everything about music. Maybe he even knows something about this really bad techno crap. I’ll let him hear it – I bet he can tell me what’s up.”
Edie reached into her utility belt and found her phone. She dialed up Fanboy Mike. She had just spoken to him earlier tonight and she knew he was at his cottage with Mrs. Fanboy. It was late, but he would understand the urgency. He’s dealt with these nasty aliens before too.
The phone rang. No answer. “He must be asleep,” said Edie as she hit redial.
Mrs. Fanboy answered groggily. “Hello?”
“Oh, hey Jen. Is Mike around? I know it’s late but this is urgent.”
There was a silence from the other end.
“Oh my goodness he’s not here! He’s gone! His coffee mug is on the front porch but he’s gone!”
This wasn’t good. “Don’t worry Jen. I’m on the case. I’ll find our Fanboy and get him home safe. Don’t you worry!”
Edie hung up and wondered if there was a connection between these annoying aliens and her beloved special fan? Deciding not to waste any further time, Edie hit the afterburners on her rocket boots. Soon she had overtaken the aliens and landed on their ship’s upper hull. Her rocket boots had many features, including electro-magnetic soles! She activated the magnets and was now firmly standing on the ship.
The wind whipped her hair straight back. Now she had to figure out how to enter.
Edie began crawling over the surface of the ship. She found what appeared to be an upper hatch but it was locked shut. She tried to open it with her fingers but failed.
“Broke a nail!” she complained. “Whoever’s flying this thing will have to pay.”
Edie searched her utility belt and found something useful. “Speaking of nails…” she smiled as she hoisted a titanium nail file from her belt. She wedged it between the panels of the ship. “This oughtta do the trick!” Within seconds, she had triggered the panel to slide open beneath her. Edie fell and landed, superhero style, in the hallway of the spacecraft. She reached back into her utility belt and found a Toy Story band aid to cover her broken nail.
“Seen one, seen ‘em all,” said Edie as she examined her UFO surroundings. “It’s even louder in here!” she complained as she plugged her ears. “No problem though.” Edie searched her belt again and found her special earplugs, very high tech. They filtered out the noise but allowed her to pick up other sounds. Soon the techno music was rendered down to a simple but stupid “thump thump thump”.
“This is the worst, dumbest music I’ve ever heard,” complained Edie. “Nowhere near as good as Prodigy, Chemical Brothers or Daft Punk! You have to be a real cement head to make this kind of music!” Fortunately the earplugs were doing their job. Time to come up with a plan.
Edie Van Heelin’ had many weapons in her arsenal. Unfortunately she left her electric guitar at home, so a battle of music was not going to happen this time. She did, however, have her army of animals at her command.
“Time to bring this adventure down to Earth!” said Edie. She knew just the animal to help. She concentrated deeply and focused on the mighty American eagle. “Help me eagles! We need to ground this spaceship right away!”
Within minutes, her call was answered! A huge flock of American eagles descended upon the UFO. They flapped their mighty wings, all the while tolerating the horrible techno music. Inch by inch, the spacecraft began its descent.
Inside, Edie Van Heelin’ prepared for impact. She braced herself against the walls of the craft. She could feel that the craft was fighting to stay aloft, but the eagles were winning. Soon they’d be down. Then Edie would be fighting these aliens on her own terms.
The landing was surprisingly soft given it was a battle between eagle and alien. The craft shuddered and shook, and soon became motionless. If not for that damned techno music, she’d have thought nobody was home. But that music made it clear, somebody here was having a party. If so, she needed some help.
“Vim! Vigor! To my side!” Edie summoned her animal allies. A few moments passed, and she was soon joined by two, big gray squirrels: Vim and Vigor! They entered the UFO through the top hatch and joined Edie, chasing each other around her.
“Settle down boys!” said Edie. “We’re on a mission!” The two squirrels stood on their haunches, alert and waiting for their next command.
Edie knew the layout of this model of UFO. She knew where the bridge was. “Follow me!” she commanded the squirrels. Vim and Vigor followed her as she ran in her platform boots through the corridor. Edie remembered last time she had to storm the control room of a UFO. She was with that idiot Tommy Lee. “What a goof that guy was,” she said to herself.
The techno music was deafeningly loud inside the UFO. Strangely though, it was quieter up by the control room. She expected that to be the source of the music. Edie and the squirrels stood on either side of the control room door. “You go right, I go left!” she commanded. Vim and Vigor nodded in understanding. With a finger wrapped in a band-aid, Edie signaled them and kicked open the door with her platforms.
Vim, Vigor and Edie Van Heelin’ stormed the control room. An empty control room?
“What the…?” asked Edie. “Nobody flying this thing?” The two squirrels were as perplexed as she was.
“Come on guys!” she commanded. “Follow the noise! There’s gotta be someone here on this thing. But even if there isn’t, we’re turning off this amateur techno nonsense!” The two squirrels nodded in agreement and scooted on down the hallway, following Edie and the sound of the techno.
Edie and her Squirrel Team 1 navigated the labyrinthine corridors, following the music. It grew louder and louder. The team noticed the hallways becoming messier and messier. Spilled liquids, underwear, and dirt lined the corridors. Underwear? Leopard spotted g-strings?
“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Edie.
A loud shout was heard down the hall, dead ahead. “YEAH DUUUUUUUUDE!”
“Oh, shit,” said Edie, letting out a rare swear word. “Not him.”
She sighed as the trio reached a closed door. The door was vibrating with bass. She nodded to the squirrels, and kicked the door open with a mighty boot. She didn’t even have to look inside to know who was behind this noise.
“Thomas Lee Bass,” she announced. “By the authority of the Earth Animal Protection Squad, the three of us are arresting you for excessive noise!” She paused a moment and added, “Plus crappy techno music! The Prodigy, that’s more like it. This crap, you can stuff it up your…oh my.”
What Edie saw in that room cannot be explained in mere words.
“Welcome to the Bouncy Castle, dude!” said a nude Tommy Lee, with food smeared on his body and wearing a helmet with three dildos protruding from it. The room was a cacophony of noise, sex toys, booze and mess. There was a huge drum kit in the corner with giant boob-drums. There were bottles everywhere around, and dirty clothes hanging from every piece of furniture. Edie’s two squirrels placed their paws over their ears trying to dampen the awful sound.
“We could make better techno music, and we don’t even have hands!” Vim said in Squirrelese to Vigor. Vigor nodded in disgusted agreement.
Tommy bounced up and down on his bed. His wiener bounced with him. “Yeah dude it’s time to party!” screamed an inebriated Lee. Then he stopped bouncing. His wiener thudded against his knee as he came to a halt. “Wait a minute…I know you, dude!” Tommy jumped off the bed. “You’re that Edie Van Heelin’ chick! So damn hot! Come here baby let me show you what love is like in the Bouncy Castle!” Tommy removed his penis helmet, ready for love.
Edie tried not to barf. “Umm, no, no, and just no. What the hell is the ‘bouncy castle’? Just…put on some pants and turn this music down. You may be a great drummer but you suck at techno, Tommy.”
Suddenly Tommy’s demeanor changed. He was no longer the party-hardy California boy from the Sunset Strip. His face took on a darker tone. His eyes gleamed.
“Who are you, the Fun Police? No way am I turning this down, Negative Nancy!” Tommy reached for a remote control and turned the music up.
Edie and the squirrels reached for their ears again. This was too much! But without hesitation or instruction, Vim and Vigor jumped on top of Tommy! Vim scratched at his nose while Vigor slapped the remote from his hands. Vigor brought the controller to Edie. She searched for the volume control.
“What the…this control only has volume up! No volume down! What the heck is wrong with you Tommy?!”
“Come here baby and I’ll show you exactly what’s wrong with me!” His dick stood at attention. Vim dropped down from his head and hung onto to Tommy’s wiener like a tree branch.
“OWWW!” screamed Tommy in pain. “My junk!” Tommy tried to shake the squirrels off his body but was no use, as Vigor then leaped up to scratch his balls.
“MY BALLS!” screamed Tommy. “Not my balls!” Tommy fell to the ground in pain.
“Turn off the music Lee, or I’ll have them playing trapeze from your nutsack!” threatened Edie.
“OK! OK! Truce!!” The drummer/techno musician killed the power with a switch next to his bed. “I was just partying with the aliens, what’s the big deal?” he asked from his position on the floor.
“The big deal is we could hear you all the way from the foothills of California! Don’t you have any consideration for other people?” scolded Edie. The two squirrels shook a paw at him.
“What other people?” asked Tommy in a confused state. “Are you talking about that dude we picked up in Canada tonight?”
Edie stopped in her tracks. “What ‘dude’ are you talking about?”
Tommy rubbed his sore nuts.
“What ‘dude’ are you talking about, Tommy?” repeated Edie Van Heelin’.
Tommy massaged his head, where the squirrel had been dangling from him. “Some Canadian dude, dude! Me and the aliens were partying and I said, ‘hey dudes, you know what we need, we need a hard core Motley Crue fan to party hard with us!’ So we found him and he’s around here somewhere.”
“Around here somewhere? Where the heck did you leave him?” asked Edie, becoming more and more upset. Her two squirrels echoed her concern with squirrel chatter.
Tommy scratched his head. “I can’t remember dude!” he answered. “But does it matter? He’s fine. How about you and me test out the springs on this bed?”
Edie looked incredibly frustrated. “Vim…Vigor…you keep an eye on him while I go look for Fanboy Mike.” The two squirrels nodded in understanding as Edie ran out of the room.
“These ships are huge,” she said as she ran. “How am I going to find him?”
She searched room after room. The ship seemed deserted, except for Tommy. No aliens to be found, not even one. She was puzzled.
“Where did all the aliens go? And what did they do with Fanboy Mike?”
Edie continued to wander the halls until she had an idea. If Fanboy Mike was here and free to move about, then there’s one place he might have gone. Edie went down to the lower levels, the engine rooms. Because the engines on these spacecraft were so loud, the engine room was the only one that was soundproofed. And that would be the perfect place to escape Tommy’s music.
With a kick, Edie knocked in the engine room door.
Fanboy Mike was seated cross legged on the floor, across from an alien, both playing a board game. The alien stared at her, as if mad that she interrupted their game of Monopoly. Fanboy got up and ran to give Edie a big hug. “Edie Van Heelin’? Boy am I glad to see you!”
“I missed you, Fanboy!” said Edie as they embraced. “Are you OK?”
Mike continued to hug as he spoke. “It was awful Edie…the music…his music…it’s so terrible!” A tear began to well up in his eye. “Thanks for saving me…that Tommy Lee is such a moron! He and this alien – the alien’s name is Fillmore, by the way – they grabbed me for a party. At first I thought it would be cool, I thought we’d be listening to rock music and hanging out with stars. But instead Tommy started playing that awful techno of his! So bad that the other aliens all abandoned ship. Have you heard it? It’s not good!”
Edie grimaced. “Oh, I’m afraid I’ve heard it alright! Now let’s get you to safety.”
The alien spoke. “Fillmore, at your service. Fillmore West!”
She nodded towards Fillmore. “Nice to meet you!” she said to the alien. “Now let’s hustle, Mike!”
Edie and Fanboy raced back up to the control room, where Vim and Vigor were holding Tommy down on the bed. Tommy screeched in frustration.
“Come on, furry dudes! I just wanna jerk off! That Edie chick gives me a huge boner!”
This time, Edie really did barf.
“Oh come on Tommy,” said Fanboy. “That’s just gross!” Edie recovered and added, “Really disgusting, Thomas!”
“Let’s get out of here,” Fanboy said to Edie. “Leave him here with his…whatever the hell this is.”
“You’re in the Bouncy Castle, dude!” exclaimed Tommy to Fanboy. Then suddenly he jumped behind his giant boob-drum kit. “Wanna jam?”
Edie shook her head no, but Fanboy touched her on the shoulder.
“Can we jam with Tommy before we leave? His techno may suck but I’m still a big Motley Crue fan.”
Edie sighed. “Fine…but only for you, Fanboy. Only for you.” She turned to Tommy at his boob kit. “Do you know any good music, Tommy?
Tommy’s eyes lit up in glee. “Yeah dude! How about some Cream? Let’s jam ‘White Room’!”
“Finally, something we can agree on,” said Edie. She grabbed a guitar from the corner of the room, while Fanboy picked up a bass.
“1, 2, 3…” counted in Tommy.
With that, Edie Van Heelin’ began singing. “In the white room, with black curtains, near the station…”
By the end of the evening, Edie Van Heelin’ had rocked ‘em all.
“Time to go Tommy,” she said as she placed the guitar back on its stand. “I hope you learned something this time.”
“Yeah dude!” exclaimed Tommy. “I learned the lyrics to ‘White Room’! How does it go again?”
Edie and Fanboy each smacked their heads. The two squirrels placed their paws over their mouths as they laughed at Tommy Lee.
“I better take you home,” said Edie to Fanboy. “Jen is really worried about you.” The group of humans and rodents excited the craft through a lower ramp, activated by Fillmore. “Vim and Vigor, thanks for your help tonight. Couldn’t have done it without you!” The two squirrels chattered in glee as they escaped into the night.
“Hey Edie…before we go…” said a bashful Fanboy.
“Yes?” she asked patiently.
“It’s just that, you know…I’m just a big fanboy at heart, you know? It was fun to jam tonight, and I really appreciate it. Do you think…could you bring me with you on your next adventure? I wanna be the Morty to your Rick.”
“Is that a cartoon reference? Right over my head, Mike,” said a confused Edie.
“It means I wanna be your sidekick, rock star! The Robin to your Batman!”
Edie got that reference. Her eyes lit up with glee.
“Of course! At first I thought you were going to ask something creepy, like Tommy Lee!” They laughed together at the absurdity of the night they just had. “You got it,” said Edie. “Very next adventure. You can be my sidekick.”
Fanboy’s face glowed with happiness. “Freakin’ awesome! I’ve graduated from fanboy to sidekick!”
“I think my team just added a new member!” said Edie. Welcome aboard, Fanboy! Now hold tight. Long way back to Canada!”
With that, Edie Van Heelin’ activated her rocket-heel boots, and jetted into the sky. Another mission accomplished!