I love a nice cool walk on a beautiful summer morning. I always bring my camera, because sometimes you see some weird shit.
Sometimes you see nice nature stuff, like this snail.
Sometimes you see things that make you scratch your head. I’m not sure if this is a Sunday Chuckle or a WTF? What is a “Redneck Mafia”? Isn’t that something of an oxymoron? And a “NO-Club”? What is that?
A few weeks later he was back, looking like he was trying to make two parking spots for the price of one. Who is this guy?
Thank rock and roll for new bands like the Arkells! I’ve been happily enjoying their singles for years. I really fell in love when I saw the Hamilton band open the 2017 NHL Awards. A starstruck Max Kerman (vocals) gleefully fist-bumped with Wayne Gretzky. I knew I had to get one of their albums. On vinyl! I chose their 2014 release High Noon to be my first Arkells, for its unforgettable single “Leather Jacket”.
Kerman managing to keep his shit together on national TV with The Great One
High Noon was a sound choice. “Leather Jacket” has been an earworm for a long time. High Noon also has another sterling single, “Come to Light”. Its basis is similar to Bowie’s “Modern Love”. While there is no mistaking the year, the Arkells put a slick 80s slant on these songs. Whether it’s in the beats or the keyboards, there is a love of 1980s rock here on High Noon.
There are numerous highlights and few forgettable ones. Album opener “Fake Money” has a strong piano riff, a classic U2 vibe, and an anti-corporate attitude. One of the catchiest, more summer-y fun tracks is ironically “Cynical Bastards”. Good time upbeat rock with solid beats to shake your butt to! “11:11” is primed for dancing . Everyone will pick out their own favourites, because there aren’t any poor songs on this wax. Check out “Crawling Through the Window” for a slower tune with all the integrity intact, or the strange Disco hop of “Systematic”.
A band can make or break based on the lead singer. I really like the expressive and sincere singing style of Max Kerman. He stands out from first listen. It’s hard to say exactly what makes him stand out, but he certainly does. A band to watch.
In a spring/summer 1989 edition of the Columbia House catalogue, a brand new band appeared. It was the first I had heard of them. Inside, my Selection of the Month was the debut album by a glam band called Warrant. The hype machine was soon in full force. Warrant were the latest group out of California with the look and the hooks.
I got the debut on cassette, Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich. The deciding factor in buying the album was a little throw-away bit of information, which was that lead singer Jani Lane played guitar (albeit acoustic). With a three guitar lineup, I thought Warrant might be new and different so I gave them a try.
Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich arrived at the house, but there were only a few good tunes on it. Maybe about half: “32 Pennies”, “Down Boys”, “Heaven”, “Sometimes She Cries” and “Big Talk”. Most of these were crammed onto the first side, leaving the second a fairly barren wasteland.
I liked the singles, but more importantly, the girl I liked also liked Warrant! This inspired me to prematurely proclaim Warrant as my “favourite new band” of 1989.
I will always own up to my mistakes, especially musical ones. A few months later I acquired the debut albums by Mr. Big and Badlands. Both were better than Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich. Suddenly Warrant had competition in the “favourite new band” stakes. I continued to spin Warrant, and as I did, a few more songs began to appeal. “In the Sticks” was decent enough, but my God the title track was awful no matter how many times I played it.
Warrant had a hit album and began work on a followup. Vertical Smile was the tentative title, a name ripped off from Blackfoot. Soon they renamed it the equally unimaginative Cherry Pie, and even covered a Blackfoot song called “Train, Train”.
Although 1990’s Cherry Pie was undoubtedly a better album than Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich, after a few months I began to turn sour on the band. The new album was very commercial, more so than the debut, with lots of ballads. There was an uncredited vocal by Dee Snider from Twisted Sister in the very intro of the record. That rubbed me the wrong way, because it was so obvious to me, and the lack of credits would make people think it was Jani Lane. The only song that really had legs was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”, which was unlike Warrant’s other singles.
By the summer, Warrant were feuding with their tourmates Poison. What really killed it for me was Warrant’s admission in a guitar magazine interview that they had two tutors who taught them how to play their own solos. That was the last straw. I was getting into heavier music anyway, but I had enough of Warrant. Uncredited vocalists, feuds, guys writing solos for them…this wasn’t a band for me. I let them go.
I never bought any studio album after Cherry Pie, which means I missed 1992’s heavy comeback, Dog Eat Dog. When singer Jani Lane quit the band and proclaimed he wasn’t into that heavy sound at all, I felt justified. Lane said his heart was in rootsy acoustic rock music, like John Mellencamp. Dog Eat Dog was what the rest of the band wanted to do, and Lane went with it until he quit. He did rejoin the following year for another heavy album called Ultraphobic, but I had long gotten off the “Train Train”.
Warrant were one band who, for this listener, failed to live up to the hype. Have I missed out? Is it too late to catch this train, or should I leave the station completely?
ALICE COOPER – “Paranoiac Personality” (2017 Edel 7″ single, white vinyl)
In 1969, the original Alice Cooper group released their debut album for Frank Zappa’s Straight records. The band consisted of Vincent Furnier on lead vocals using the stage name of “Alice Cooper”, Michael Bruce & Glen Buxton (guitars), Dennis Dunaway (bass), and Neal Smith (drums). This legendary lineup laid waste to rock and roll until 1974 when they split for Alice to go solo. Though Glen died in 1997, the surviving member eventually reunited on vinyl in 2011 for three tracks on Welcome 2 My Nightmare. Since then the original band has worked together with surprising regularity, including on Cooper’s latest album Paranormal.
To go with the Paranormal brew-ha-ha, Alice put out a 7″ white vinyl single for “Personoiac Paranality” “Paranoiac Personality”. It’s an easy track to like with a vibe reminiscent of his classic single “Go to Hell”. This is likely to be a concert classic for as long as Alice tours. The chorus is meant for a crowd to sing along. “Paranoid! Paranoid!”
A great B-side is what makes a single memorable. In 2017 you see all kinds of gimmicky singles, from coloured vinyl to ridiculously low production numbers. That stuff won’t make me buy a single; but an exclusive B-side will. “I’m Eighteen” is performed by the aforementioned original Cooper band! They are augmented by current Cooper guitarist Ryan Roxie, filling in for Glen Buxton. What a great version this is, and how much more authentic can it get? Alice has a nice intro for Glen, and it’s stuff like this that makes a single worth spending the money (and shipping) on. My copy came from Seismic Records in the UK, but it was worth it to me. The pristine white vinyl is just the icing on top.
VINNIE VINCENT INVASION – Vinnie Vincent Invasion (1986 Chysalis)
Where oh where did Vinnie Vincent go? The mercurial ex- guitarist with genius level skill resurfaced after 1983’s Lick It Up with his new band, the Invasion. Ex-Journey singer Robert Fleichman did the self-titled debut album but was quickly replaced for the music videos and tour with an unknown named Mark Slaughter. Rounding out the band were Dana Strum and Bobby Rock on bass and drums.
As I sat there listening to this album for review, a reader told me: “I could never get into VV Invasion.”
My brief response to him is my review:
Dude…it’s comical. Vinnie just goes full shred to the point of stupidity. Like seriously stupid: like some idiot just hammering as fast as he can, like a kid whacking off or playing video games. And then he gets the singer to go as high as possible. It’s shrill. You can hear the songs have good riffs, but virtually every song has something to it that ruins it.
GUNS N’ ROSES – Use Your Illusion I&Use Your Illusion II (1991 Geffen)
In my review for Guns N’ Roses’ smashing debut Appetite For Destruction, I stated that “Appetite is great, but Illusions are better”. A strong and controversial statement. How could I say such a thing?
Use Your Illusion I and II are a case of “Bigger, Better, Faster, More!” Consider:
1. “Bigger”
Certainly in terms of length, Illusions are far bigger: 2 hours and 32 minutes compared to 53 minutes for Appetite. I concede that the Illusions albums have far more filler than Appetite. Given that the grand total of awesome material on Illusions still exceeds the length of Appetite, I think “Bigger” is a given. They made us wait and wait and wait, but they made it worth our while. You can’t always say that for Guns N’ Roses.
2. “Better”
Guns N’ Roses’ lineup was “new and improved!” in 1991. Original drummer Steven Adler was given the boot due to severe issues with substances, replaced by Matt Sorum, who they knew from The Cult. I won’t argue that Matt Sorum is a “better” drummer than Steven Adler, because they are too different. Regardless of this, Sorum was able to expand Guns’ rhythmical pallette. He could play things Adler could not at the time, such as “You Could Me Mine” and “Double Talkin’ Jive”. As for the core members, each of them expanded their own talents on these albums. Duff McKagan and Izzy Stradlin were now lead vocalists on a few tracks. Slash’s guitar playing grew exponentially. Izzy blossomed as a songwriter with some of Guns’ most diverse material. And Axl Rose really got into the piano, contributing a ton of it, and even the techno influence that would later evolve into Chinese Democracy. His vocal stylings also expanded, with more use of his lower voice. Everybody had gotten…better.
3. “Faster”
It’s possible that “Right Next Door to Hell” is the fastest Guns track ever recorded. “Perfect Crime” and “Garden of Eden” also qualify.
4. “More!”
Guns expanded their official lineup to a six piece with the arrival of keyboardist Dizzy Reed. They also had plenty of special guests: Alice Cooper*, Michael Monroe, and a guy named Shannon Hoon from the then-unknown Blind Melon. Hoon appeared in the “Don’t Cry” music video. Steven Adler was even on “Civil War”, one of the earliest tracks finished. How’s that for more? Not enough? Throw on some orchestras, then.
Of course the weakness to this argument is the old saying that “less is more”, and that theory holds water. Ultimately, it comes down to taste. Do you prefer the nuclear assault of Appetite, or the complex stew of Illusions? Fortunately, you don’t have to choose. You can buy and love them all.
We reviewers, however, are not afforded such luxury. We are expected to rate these things and answer tough questions about why. I cannot deny how I feel about the Illusions albums. I think II tops I, but from first listen, these albums were very special. The ambition, the indulgence, and the time paid off on these albums.
Breaking it down, there are numerous top tier bonafide classics on Use Your Illusion I and II. I think if you boiled the album down to these basic original tracks (colour coded by original album), you’d have a hard time beating it.
Proposal:
Dust N’ Bones
Don’t Cry
Bad Obsession
Double Talkin’ Jive
November Rain
The Garden
Coma
Civil War
14 Years
Breakdown
Pretty Tied Up
Locomotive
Estranged
You Could Be Mine
And look…that’s enough for a perfectly awesome single CD. It doesn’t even include the excellent covers “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” and “Live and Let Die”, both hit singles for Guns. It also excludes dumb but fun stuff like “Get in the Ring”. You know you and your buddies have recited the words. Don’t lie to me!
I always choose to listen to these albums in full, in sequence. I find that to be the best way to go, as they intended it to be.
Appetite showed the world that rock and roll could still be dangerous and loud. The Illusions albums immediately proved that Axl was a hell of a tortured genius. However it’s not a one man show. The dominant songwriter is Izzy Stradlin, with 11 credits on most of the best material. His singing added a Keith Richards rasp to the band’s repertoire as well.
You don’t have to agree with my rating, but I feel that all of the above really overshadows the filler on Use Your Illusion. Some of the material I consider filler were singles. “Dead Horse” and “Garden of Eden” were both hit music videos. The sheer bloat and indulgence of this set was a sharp and delightful contrast to the first waves of back-to-basics grunge bands. It kept Guns on the charts for years.
In a 1991 M.E.A.T Magazine interview, Slash stated that after Appetite, every band in the world copied their style. He challenged bands to try and copy them this time. “To copy us, you’d have to be us.” Slash was correct. Nobody could touch Illusions.
5/5 stars
* The story behind the Cooper cameo is that Axl has originally sung all of “The Garden” himself. He sang it in a very Alice Cooper voice, and there was concern it was too close for comfort. So they called up Alice (who they worked with before on “Under My Wheels”) and Alice just nailed “The Garden”.
GETTING MORE TALE #595: Fighting for Kenner and Ivy
Sorry for the lack of musical content in this instalment of Getting More Tale, usually a series of stories about music. In lieu of a music story, I’ll include my Top Five Tracks About Fighting for a Good Cause at the end!
Kenner has Autism. And Ivy is a Black Lab. Ivy calms Kenner’s anxieties and helps him cope with school and socializing. Outside of school, the two are inseparable. At school however, Ivy isn’t allowed to be with Kenner. The Waterloo Catholic District School Board says that Kenner doesn’t need a service dog. Kenner’s doctors, psychologists, therapists, parents and the Lions Foundation say otherwise.
Kenner’s parents, Craig and Amy. have been fighting with the WCDSB for over three years to get them to allow Ivy to attend school with Kenner at St. Kateri Catholic Elementary School in Kitchener. The fight has now escalated to the Ontario Human Rights Commission, where the Fee’s have had to invest thousands of dollars into lawyers and their charges, out of pocket. While the WCDSB has, what seems to be, unlimited taxpayer resources to pay for their lawyers.
Kenner was denied his basic human right to have his service dog in class with him. Allow me to share a little bit about what I know of Kenner, because I see quite a few people are misinformed about this situation.
Ivy is not a therapy dog, as some sources have stated. She is a service dog, trained and matched by the Lions Foundation of Canada Dog Guides. Some bystanders have asked, “What about kids who are afraid of dogs?” An excellent question, and I think Kenner’s supporters have offered a lot of great suggestions about that. The truth is, if you have ever met a service dog, you know that they basically just…lay there! That’s part of the training. Second, having a service dog in a school would be a rare and valuable teaching experience. I was terrified of dogs as a kid. I’d run and they’d give chase! Ivy would not do that, because she is a service dog. If I had the chance to meet a dog like Ivy as a kid, it really would have helped me get over my fear of dogs earlier.
Another legitimate question has been about kids with allergies. Supporters have suggested solutions to these problems too. None of them are unsolvable. I’m terribly allergic myself. If there happens to be only one class for Kenner’s grade, make sure the classroom doesn’t have carpet flooring, and keep Kenner on the opposite side of the room as any kids with allergies. Ensure that teachers have a supply of each child’s allergy medication — Reactine, Visine, whatever. Why is every other child’s needs more important than Kenner’s? Allergies are real, but so is autism. And the results Kenner has seen because of Ivy are extraordinary. I know a little bit more about the situation than I can talk about, but I can say this.
I’ve seen Kenner, with Ivy at his side, give an amazing speech in front of hundreds of adults. I couldn’t believe it. Seeing that knocked me out; he made me see what potential can be unlocked. He’s a gifted young man. He deserves to be able to go to school and be at his best. The Catholic school board keeps talking about how they assess each kid on a case by case basis. It is interesting to note that they don’t have any service dogs in any of their schools in Ontario. A child in Burlington is currently fighting the same battle as Kenner Fee, for the same reason. He too has autism. I wonder if the Catholic School Board is fighting this so hard simply because it’s easier than doing the work to accommodate. Currently, the Board is denying Kenner his basic right to fulfill his potential in school. They say he gets good grades without Ivy. That may be true, but he is truly exceptional when he is with her. I have seen this and I admire the little guy.
This is an expensive fight. A GoFundMe page has been set up.
Even if you can’t donate, every comment helps! I know for a fact that Kenner is blown away by the amount of support he’s seen. “I didn’t know so many people cared about me!” he said after a recent service dog protest. He loves to know he has support so feel free to leave a comment, and we’ll make sure his parents get them!
DO NOT READ IF YOU INTEND TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES, BUT HAVE NOT STARTED YET!
Two weeks ago, I began watching Game of Thrones from the beginning for the first time. Everyone at work is into it, so I finally took the plunge. Of course, it’s impossible to completely avoid spoilers. I know there are dragons, White Walkers, and so on. However I’ve remained gleefully spoiler free on most key happenings. I am two seasons into the show, now midway through the third.
The other day at work, I was talking about how much I’m enjoying the show. I mentioned some characters I didn’t like, such as Joffrey, Theon and “Kingslayer” Jaime Lannister, the greatest swordsman in the realm.
One friend asked, “Jaime Lannister, is that the one-handed guy?”
As a half-Italian, part-German, part Scottish guy, I was born with a fuse. Sometimes that fuse can go off. Nothing makes me angrier than when my wife, who has epilepsy, is told to “fuck off” because of her need to be away from flashing lights. We’ve written extensively about epilepsy and our experiences, good and bad. We are very open about it, happy to answer questions and eager to educate. So when I hear that my wife had a seizure at the mall because of flashing lights and a guy who told her to “fuck off” and “stay indoors”, I feel like I could explode!
Here’s what happened. Our wedding anniversary is August 31. We had a nice dinner booked at Borealis, our favourite local eatery. Jennifer went out to the mall that afternoon to get some things we needed for the weekend. At the Walmart checkout, there was a child with those shoes that have flashing lights in the heels. I don’t understand the need for those shoes. At night, sure, I get it. In a brightly lit Walmart, they’re a hazard to people prone to seizures. An actual hazard as real as a slippery floor.
My wife asked the closest lady if that was her child. She said “No.” But it actually was her child. Jen covered her eyes as the kid danced around the checkout aisle with the flashing heels. She asked the lady to tell her when the flashing stopped so she could uncover her eyes. The lady said it stopped. She opened her eyes and the kid was still dancing and the shoes were still flashing. She covered her eyes again. She was getting upset. Suddenly the lady’s husband showed up out of nowhere and began berating my wife. He told her to “mind your own business”, that she should “fuck off”, and “stay indoors” if she had a problem with the shoes.
And so, she had a seizure in the checkout. She doesn’t remember anything after paying for her things. She remembers telling the cashier that she was probably going to have a seizure. The next thing she knew is that the paramedics were there and she was in an ambulance. I will give Walmart and the mall credit for being proactive about this. They know my wife (unfortunately from past seizures) and they have my phone number on file. They called me immediately.
I took Jen home and she had a good rest. We didn’t have our dinner out that night. But we had a great dinner in, and a lovely anniversary at home. We went out the following night instead.
Here’s the kick in the nuts. At the exact time I got that phone call from the mall about my wife, I read the story about how our friend Kenner Fee, who has autism, will not be allowed to bring his service dog to school. It was a painful one-two punch.
The anger simmered in me. I came home and keyboard-warriored my way around Facebook, to the ignorant trolls on the Kenner Fee threads. I wrote a few zingers, and before I knew it, two hours had gone by. But by the end, I wasn’t angry anymore. It might not have been the healthiest method of anger management.
I think there are two really healthy ways to let the anger out. They are music, and being physically active.
I like to kill two birds with one stone. My favourite thing is to put on something fast and heavy. Metallica works as a go-to. Testament, even Sabbath, they all work. Hit play, turn up the volume. Then I just fucking thrash. Air drums, air guitar, headbanging, whatever. Just physically moving with the tunes. Air drums work fantastic for this. Lipsynching helps. Or, sing along if you’re not too self-conscious.
“And I want my anger to be healthy” — Metallica
I remember when I was younger, there was this one girl named Tracy that I really liked. But she just kept me hanging along for months. One night she had a friend of hers crank call me, pretending to be somebody from my history class that liked me. I fell for it and got crushed. And I was pissed off.
The music that came in handy that time was Motley Crue. “Primal Scream” might have been their heaviest tune at the time. The lyrics were in sync too. “You just got to scream! And shout! Let that mother out!” And I believed that. Sometimes you do have to let that mother out.
Whatever you do, do it healthy! I recommend a solid soundtrack of heavy metal to go with it.
The closest “record store” when I was a young kid wasn’t a “record store” at all. It was a now-defunct department store called Zellers. Located at Stanley Park Mall, they were a mere 10 minute walk from home. If we were looking for new tapes to listen to, Zellers would be the natural first stop. It was a bit of a needle in a haystack situation because I didn’t know the names of a lot of bands or albums. For example, there was a cool band from Japan on MuchMusic. They had a killer heavy metal track called “Crazy Nights”, but I couldn’t remember the name of the band. I scoured the racks at Zellers until I found what I assumed was the right group: “Wang Chung”. Never mind that “Wang Chung” doesn’t actually sound like a Japanese name, but what did I know at that age? I definitely didn’t know that the name of the band was Loudness, and the album I was looking for was called Thunder In the East! It’s a good thing I figured that out before putting Wang Chung on my Christmas list.
Bob and I spent a lot of time browsing records at Zellers just out of convenience of location. It was there that I first saw the band known as Poison. “They look like girls don’t they?” said Bob. “Yeah,” I responded, secretly deciding that Rikki Rockett was the hottest. But they were men! That first Poison album cover turned me off the band for a time. I considered them a sub-Motley Crue.
What finally turned me on to Poison was actually a highschool Battle of the Bands. It seemed every highschool band learned “Talk Dirty to Me” in 1987. The track had a vaguely old-timey rock and roll feel and that appealed to me. It was like old Kiss.
I gradually got into Poison, by taping their videos off MuchMusic. It is quite possible that their videos were the most action packed of the era. They were highly choreographed, but so much fun. There is no shame in admitting that when Bob and I got our first guitars, we were more interested in doing stage moves than playing. Poison (and also Cinderella) were the prototypes for many of our moves. A few guitars hit a few ceilings because of Poison. I had to have a faux-snakeskin guitar strap, with strap locks, of course, for those over-the-shoulder-throws.
The Poison video I liked the best was a ballad called “I Won’t Forget You”. It was tour footage from the stage and off, and it was less choreographed. It had a guest shot by none other than Paul Stanley! If Paul appeared on stage with Poison, then they had to be good. Right?
It was obvious from their videos that Poison were a flashy band, bent on entertainment or death. My musical perception wasn’t strong enough to detect that the band weren’t the greatest musicians, but they did have good songs to my ears. Every video they made was fun and catchy as hell. Poison were pretty easy to get into, and they were everywhere.
The music video turned out great, and one day I hope to transfer it to a format you can upload to Youtube.
I’m not sure how many kids back then could have claimed they used Poison for a school project, but we did and we kicked that project’s ass! Add Poison to the list of bands I used for school presentations and essays, including Iron Maiden, Queensryche and Judas Priest. Poison’s music might have been vacuous, but they served their purpose. Even today, I still get those feelings that say “I Want Action”! Poison are intertwined with my childhood, permanently, and that’s not a terrible thing.
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