Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures: Tales From The Multiverse Chapter 3 by Harrison Kopp

by Harrison Kopp

Mr Moustachio’s Multitude of Marvellous Multiversal Misadventures
Tales From The Multivers Chapter 3

 

Part 1 – Man Of A Thousand Blades

Sunset Town

The 21st century

An hour before it’s dark

 

Sweat was pouring off El Moustachio’s brow. The heat of the furnace was intense. The temperature needed to melt this metal of interstellar origin was unimaginable. The master of the forge, an aging individual with a black beard and more lines on his face than most had years lived, watched over the proceedings.

“If you forge it properly, it will be harder and sharper than any other metal you will find. But fail in your technique and it will fail you when you will need it most.”

Moustachio was concentrating intently. The skill required was beyond anything he had trained for in the past. And that included the mandatory boomerang training he had taken in school back when he was a kid.

Finishing his efforts, he set the blade to cool. That afternoon, the pair returned, and the forgemaster inspected the Australian’s handiwork.

Moustachio had crafted a new boomerang. It was still moustache-shaped, but this time it was a little different. His previous boomerang had had the grips on each end and the blade in the middle, but this one reversed it. He could still throw it with ease, but now, with the blades on the ends, he could also wield it in close quarters as one would a double-bladed knife. Easily the superior weapon of the two.

The forgemaster turned it over in his hand, running his eye along the cutting edge.

“Never have I seen so flawless a blade in all my years teaching,” the master said.

“Thank you,” said Moustachio.

“And never before have I seen so many attempts.” The older man continued, gesturing to the many discarded semi-completed blades (Moustachio had been here only 80 days, but had spent most of them in the forge).  “You have learned well with each try, and your determination and drive for perfection is beyond that of any of my previous students. This blade will not fail you.”

And so the time came for Moustachio to move on in his travels through the multiverse. He bid his master farewell and gunned the engine of the V8 interceptor, roaring off into the great unknown with his new weapon.

 

 

Part 2- Tennessee Bones & The Temple Of Doom Metal

 

South America

1995

 

Tennessee Bones strode purposefully through the South American jungles, occasionally pausing to hack at some vines blocking his path. Behind him walked El Moustachio, enjoying the clear path the former man had created. The two men were here trying to locate a hidden temple dedicated to Doom Metal.

It was rumoured to contain many artefacts of the musical genre, some of which had essentially become ‘extinct’ in the music collector’s scene in the rest of the world. But so too had the temple and its treasures been lost. The two men were following a tattered map. While they both had their doubts as to its veracity, they were both willing to give it a try.

Abruptly, Tennessee came to a standstill. Under the brim of his fedora hat his eyes studied the dense vegetation in front of him. Then, without a word, he stalked forward and made three direct cuts to a specific part of foliage.

The plants melted away to reveal a hole in a rocky wall. From inside the faint sound of wind could be heard.

“Looks like it’s through here,” he called back to his Australian companion.

The two men carefully ventured forth. There was no telling what traps had been laid to protect the precious musical artefacts inside.

 

 

After a short time, with more than a few close calls, they happened across a large circular chamber, with pedestals lining the outer wall. A mass of candles lit the room, and atop each pedestal sat a vinyl record or compact disc (as well as a few other, more obscure, music formats). The two men knew they were in business.

Tennessee could hardly contain himself, bounding forward with such enthusiasm that if there had been any traps in the room he would have gleefully sprung them without the chance to react.

“The superintendent will be thrilled with these finds. The museum will be having a new exhibit alright. We might even need to build a new wing to house it all. I won’t be able to bring this all back with me in one trip.”

The Canadian ran from pedestal to pedestal, gawking at sights once thought completely lost to mankind.

Moustachio homed in on one in particular:  Black Sabbath’s 1970 debut album. There was an entire shrine dedicated to it at the back of the room, with copies of the album on every possible format. Even 8-track! Moustachio wasn’t even sure if it came on 8-Track back in his home universe.

The plaque below the display described the album as the forebearer of the genre.

It seems some things do remain consistent across the universes, Moustachio thought to himself.

Tennessee had no use for it. It was, after all, widely available, unlike some of the other rare finds in the room. Moustachio happily helped himself to the cassette edition of the album. Why that one in particular, I hear you ask?

Well part of the process of transferring universes using the V8 Interceptor required the driver to be listening to pure rock music. Where before he would have to tune into the radio and get lucky, now he could play it on demand.

(Is Black Sabbath strictly rock music? Well, heavy metal founders this, riffmaster that yadda yadda. They still count as rock music in my book. I’m pretty sure they described themselves as hard rock music back in the day. Motorhead would always introduce themselves as rock and roll too. And besides, these are just labels record companies give bands to market them to people who liked similar bands. Iron Maiden aren’t heavy metal, or hard rock or progressive metal- their Iron Maiden! Listen to whatever you want to, and don’t let anyone tell you you can’t enjoy Ghost because “they’re not heavy metal”).

Anyway, sorry about that. Back to the story. The two men parted ways, happy to have spent the time together in company, but both with their own paths to tread. Tennessee Bones still had numerous treasures to uncover, and Moustachio once again set out into the infinite multiverse searching for a way home.

 

Part 3 – A World Without Heroes

Earth-88

1942

 The throaty crackle of a powerful V8 engine shattered the stillness of the Egyptian desert morning. Its dawn chorus was echoed by the quieter, but rougher, sound of a diesel truck engine.

Racing through sand roads was Moustachio’s V8 Interceptor, now with a modification to the rear to fit one large fuel tank and another large tank with an assortment of compartments for various liquids. Being out on the road in the multiverse often took him away from oil and coolant for extended periods of time.

Fleeing the black car was a Mercedes-Benz LG3000. The workhorse truck had had a head start, but Moustachio had quickly closed the distance. The Australian pulled a revolver from his door-well and fired at the truck’s rear. This did not escape the notice of its occupants, and out from inside the truck swung a stony-faced German in black armour.

He effortlessly climbed to the roof of the truck and fearlessly turned to face the source of the bullets.

Moustachio fired again. Three shots. With almost impossible reflexes, the unusual German Soldier raised his shield, blocking them all. Upon his shield was a familiar 3-point star insignia.

The German was not content to merely soak up ballistics, however, and promptly hurled his shield directly at the V8 Interceptor’s windscreen.

Moustachio swerved to avoid the flying shield, nearly taking out a wandering camel. The shield, meanwhile, bounced off the ground at a peculiar angle, before ricocheting off a rock wall and returning to its owner’s arm.

Suddenly Moustachio knew exactly who this was. And he wasn’t thrilled at the idea of having to take on Captain America. Well, more like his German variant. Kapitan Deutschland, probably.

They were approaching the outskirts of Cairo now. This chase could get infinitely more dangerous if it continued. Bullets sprayed the air next to his car, and he flicked his eyes to the mirrors. A couple of German pursuit cars had caught up to him.

Crud, Moustachio thought to himself.

Atop the truck Kapitan Deutschland readied his shield for another throw. Behind him the vehicular gunners adjusted their aim. Between the two of them, one would hit their target.

With a heavy heart, Moustachio had to withdraw from this chase.

Regretfully he gunned the engine and disappeared into another universe seconds before his position was riddled with gunfire. He hated to leave the cargo in the hands of the Germans, let alone give them free reign on the rest of this world, but he had no choice.

One day I’ll come back he thought to himself as he disappeared in a fiery-orange flash.

Part 5 – A Selection Of Items That Can Be Found In The Interceptor’s Back Seat

 

The Cross Factour Live

As you could imagine, in the multiverse you could often find alternate versions of history. In the music world this meant a wealth of albums you could only dream of back home. Moustachio had bought a few of them along with him. For his friend Tee Bone Man there was the rest of the Van Halen discography with David Lee Roth on vocals. For the Brainiac there was Kiss’s Creatures of the Night album, but with Eddie Van Halen playing guitar instead of Ace Frehley. He’d also taken the 8-track copy of Black Sabbath, for good measure. There could be some weird people out there who collected formats that they couldn’t even play.

For himself, Moustachio had a couple of interesting finds. He had grabbed a neat 7” single from Thin Lizzy for the song “Reelin’ in the Years”. He knew this as a Steely Dan song in his home universe, but routinely called it the best Thin Lizzy song they never wrote. He was thrilled to have a version with Phil Lynott singing, and the sizzling dual-guitars.

But the best find for him was the live album from Iron Maiden’s ’95 – ’96 tour, with Tony Martin on vocals. Moustachio loved Blaze Bayley, but he also always wanted to hear what it would have sounded like if Tony Martin replaced Bruce Dickinson in 1994.

 

A Dual IPA Beer

This was a genius one. Someone had invented a bottle with two distinct segments, one taking up the top half of the bottle and the other the bottom half. There was a one-way valve in that divider that allowed liquid from the bottom to enter the top, but not the other way around.

This bottle was filled with two different IPA beers – one in each half. As the drinker drank, the top liquid would be replaced with liquid from the bottom half, ensuring that every single mouthful tasted different. A truly revolutionary concept.

This would, however, upon reaching the halfway point, also make it look like the remaining liquid was levitating.

 

Kylo Ren’s Lightsaber

On Kef Bir, Moustachio had bartered with a fisherman for the lightsabre Kylo Ren had thrown into the sea when he turned back to the light side. It wasn’t functioning anymore, as the water had thoroughly soaked the insides, but Moustachio was sure his friends back home could get it working again.

 

 

Part 45– Colourful Dossier

Earth-1340

 

This was a weird one. El Moustachio had found himself in a universe where everything appeared to be made out of some form of plastic building block. It took a lot of getting used to. Not being able to scratch one’s own back was certainly a bummer, but he came to appreciate the simplicity of the world in a lot of aspects.

It didn’t take him long to find a group of like-minded heroes. The League of Extraordinary Minifigures, as they had named themselves, were more than willing to accept Moustachio’s assistance in their endeavours. And while he would embark on several adventures with this team, he ultimately decided to move on and seek his home universe once again.

 

Now these are, of course, only a small selection of El Moustachio’s exploits in the multiverse. The true extent of his adventures stretched over several months and are too numerous to give form to in this level of detail. But we will give you a taste of the next full-length adventure in this series in the coming paragraphs.

 

Part 6 – A Savage Circle

A World Not Too Dissimilar To Our Own

Wednesday Morning, 3AM

 

With an uncontrollable scream, the Brainiac lifted his lightsaber in the air with both hands, ready to strike the killing blow.  “Time to die, clone!”  He swung the blade down…

…And was met with the sharp end of a Vibranium boomerang embedded in his chest.  In his mad rage, he could not see that Shinzon was still armed, with the deadly boomerang in his right hand.  Shinzon grinned wide as he shoved it deep.

“Time to die indeed!” he cried in victory, as the Brainiac collapsed on the ground.

Barely able to speak, Brainiac sputtered blood from his mouth and fell to his knees as his vision blurred.

He awoke with a start. Not the same Brainiac that was killed by Shinzon, though. This one lived in a different universe (and we shall refer to him as Brainiac II henceforth, to avoid confusion). He was soaked in sweat and breathing heavily. He couldn’t believe the nightmare he just had. It was a nightmare right? It felt so visceral and real.

He lay back down in his bed and tried not to think about it. Life had been crap enough recently, without adding thoughts of his imminent death to it.

But it was at this very moment that his life was about to change for the better, as elsewhere in the Bruce County, one El Moustachio and his V8 Interceptor burst into this universe in a burst of golden-brown flame.

 

 

 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

  • Chapter One:  A New Beginning

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

GUEST FILM REVIEW: Pieces (1982) – Holen’s Halloween Extravaganza 2024 part 2

PIECES (1982 Almena Films)

Directed by Juan Piquer Simón

Here’s a video that nasty casual horror fans may not know. Too hardcore for the UK, Pieces is a Spanish-American slasher gore fest, one of the most violent of the ’80s. Fortunately, the film mitigates the viscera with a cheeky sense of humor. By no means would I call it a horror/comedy, but it does sacrifice logic and plot consistency for entertainment. I still have no idea how one suspect is cleared of being the killer; he just shows up free of the police a few scenes later and everyone acts like it’s normal.

Much of the humor comes from poor taste: extremely poor taste. The opening scene presents us with a young boy completing a pornographic puzzle, then butchering his abusive mother with an axe before dismembering her body. When the police arrive, the boy is witty and manipulative enough to pretend to be traumatized and oblivious. It’s a nice touch when your slasher is smart enough to stay out of jail or the loony bin.

The plot picks up decades after the opening scene at a college where the students have a nasty habit of getting disembowelled in creative ways. The cops send in an undercover operative (Mary “the MILF” Riggs) to be the women’s tennis instructor, and keep an eye out for the killer. She’s aided by the one student in the know, Kendall James. Kendall also desperately wants to get in Mary’s tennis shorts, despite the huge age gap.

Graphic hijinks ensue as they piece together the mystery while more bodies drop. One murder leads into an acting moment so astonishingly powerful, it brings tears to my eyes to this day.

And the word “bastard” will send me into a fit of hysterical laughter forevermore. The plot in a film like this doesn’t matter much. You can probably figure out who the real killer is in the first ten minutes. That’s never been the appeal of a video nasty though. As schlocky, stringy, sinewy entertainment, it does its job well. The kills are some of the best of the decade, it’s funny both intentionally and unintentionally, and it’s got that low budget grime that your Halloweens and Friday the 13ths don’t that only make the film feel that much naughtier. Give it a shot if you’ve got the stomach!

3.5/5

#1159: A Mighty Wind & A Million Vacations

RECORD STORE TALES #1159: A Mighty Wind & A Million Vacations

As fall starts to take hold, I need to be mindful.   Mindful of dark thoughts and feelings.  And so, on Friday night when we departed for the lake, I focused.  The music must be bright, for it will be dark out soon.  We must keep the spirits up, for it is that time of year again.  By this time in 2022, I was already suffering from my seasonal disorder.  In 2024, I’m doing OK so far.

In preparation for Friday night’s episode of Grab A Stack of Rock (the first indoor show at the lake in a year), we played the soundtrack to A Mighty Wind in the car.  It has us singing and smiling along.  We followed that with Max Webster’s A Million Vacations.  The drive up was relatively uneventful.  We were almost killed at the St. Jacobs roundabout by a white minivan who turned left from the right lane, but hey, it’s all good.  I hit the brakes in time enough for the guy behind us not to rear-end my car.  Thanks a lot of for the sudden jump in stress, but we made it alive in one piece.  Along the way we spotted a cute cat in the bushes.  We even arrived by 7:00 pm, which meant I had an hour to prepare for the 8:00 pm show, including some daylight time.  The show went off without a hitch.  Non-stop laughs, love and deep analysis.  Just how I like it.

Saturday was a beautiful day, but we have different priorities in the fall compared to summer.  Instead of going out and buying the best meat and veggies, we have to start using up what’s left in the freezer.  I tried some experiments, but nothing was particularly successful.  We ate some frozen steaks that had been sitting around all year, but they were tough and lined with gristle.  I tried cooking some leftover corn in a pan with some onions and mushrooms, but the overall flavours didn’t mix well.  I was left with something that tasted like shepherd’s pie, which was not what I was aiming for.  The sweetness of the corn didn’t mix with the funkiness of mushrooms.  After a summer of so many food experiment successes, it was alright to have one failure in 2024.

Saturday night, a mighty wind began to blow.  We didn’t have too many storms in 2024, so this was more than welcome.  Strangely, it remained warm outside.  The rain came in spurts.  We never got properly drenched.  We just remained inside and enjoyed it.

We didn’t get as much done this weekend as we hoped.  We always plan for more than we have time to do, but we didn’t let any time go waste.  We made some great meals, had a nice fire outside, took the drone up, and Jen got to watch all her sports games.

On the way home, I began to feel that sadness creep in.  I fought it off with Van Halen and David Lee Roth:  5150, and Skyscraper.  5150 did not do the trick.  Skyscraper did.  With Dave as the cheerleader and nostalgia in the music, Roth kept my spirits upbeat.  It was the magical mixture.

Once home, I ordered an amazing deep dish pizza from a local place called Franklin’s.  It was my first deep dish pizza, with the cheese running so gooey and the sauce so tangy.  It wasn’t super deep, so next time I want to try something even bigger.  Either way, bucket list item checked off the list.

Was this our last trip to the lake in 2024?  We don’t know, but what I do know is that we did it right this time.

 

 

Droning On – Recent Videos with Music!

Lots of new videos up on the channel, with great music to go with them!

The First Flight of Dr. K – Marillion “Fugazi”

I actually let Dr. K fly my drone. This is the unedited footage. You can see the panic on my face, with my hands on my head in anxiety!

Following a Canada Goose and some beach dogs – Jeff Bridges & Colin Farrell “Fallin’ & Flyin'”

Really special footage here of a lone Canada goose in the morning. I hovered nearby, afraid to get too close.

Dawn flight in the fall to lone rock – Brant Bjork “Sun Brother”

This flight took me further than I’ve gone before, all the way to a lone rock on the other side of the river that my sister and I used to sit on.

A Mighty Wind is Blowing with Dan Chartrand, Uncle Meat & Johnny Homework

Johnny Metal earned a new nickname tonight:  Johnny Homework!  His meticulous research and notes provided a solid backbone of knowledge on which we arranged an awesome discussion.  The topic:  the now-classic Christopher Guest mockumentary A Mighty Wind!

Together with Uncle Meat and Dan from Off the Charts, we tried to cover every aspect that we love about this movie.  We went deep on the following topics:

The cast

  • Our favourite bands
  • Our favourite songs
  • Favourite scenes
  • Fred Willard
  • The Kiss at the End of the Rainbow
  • The ending

Additionally, we looked at CDs, vinyl, and a very nice songbook from Johnny Homework.  Gotta get that physical product in.

Thanks for joining us!

 

 

A Mighty Wind Appreciation, with Dan Chartrand, Uncle Meat & Johnny Metal

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man
Episode 73:  A Mighty Wind Appreciation, with Dan Chartrand, Uncle Meat & Johnny Metal

In 2003, Christopher Guest unveiled his third improv comedy movie, following Waiting For Guffman (1996) and Best In Show (2000).  While each film has its focus (a small town play; a dog show), it was 2003’s A Mighty Wind that “tapped” into the spirit of music that made Guest a fan favourite in the first place.  This time it’s folk music!

The Folksmen are a fictional folk band that actually opened for Guest’s “other” band, Spinal Tap.  Ironically, all three members are the same:  Guest, Michael McKean, and Harry Shearer.  Together with Mitch & Mickey (Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara) and the New Main Street Singers (Jane Lynch, John Michael Higgins, Parker Posey, Paul Dooley et. al.), the bands have reunited for a big folk show in New York City.   As he often does, Fred Willard stole the show in this film.

This hilarious comedy boasts an incredible soundtrack of originals and one cover (“Start Me Up”), and tonight I’ll be joined again by Dan Chartrand and Uncle Meat to discuss it.  With them will be John “Johnny Metal” Clauser, who has wanted to do this topic with us for some time now.

You might not be as family with A Mighty Wind as you were with This Is Spinal Tap, but you won’t regret spending an hour with us tonight.  It may not be heavy metal, but good music is good music, and this soundtrack is loaded with great songs.  Join us tonight!

Friday October 4 at 8:00 P.M. E.S.T. / 9:00 P.M. Atlantic.   Enjoy on YouTube or on Facebook!

RE-REVIEW: Van Halen – A Different Kind of Truth (2012 CD/DVD set)

VAN HALEN – A Different Kind of Truth (2012 Universal CD/DVD set)

When this album was released in 2012, we all wanted Van Halen to win.  Eddie had been through some tough times, but he finally did what the fans demanded:  get back together with David Lee Roth, and record a new album.  Sure, we all lamented that Michael Anthony was gone, but it was new bassist Wolfgang Van Halen that made it happen.  Without Wolf, there would be no final Van Halen album.  Just VHIII, and we know how most of you feel about that.

Working with new producer John Shanks in neutral territory, Van Halen managed to crank out a new album in just three years, starting with jams in 2009.

Wolf knew that Van Halen had to get back to a “classic” sound for their first new album with DLR since 1984.  In addition to new music, Wolf dug back into Van Halen’s archive of unreleased material, and picked seven songs that rework and re-write.  Roth called it a “collaboration with the past”, which is a good way of putting it.  No, it does not sound exactly like old Van Halen; that would be impossible.  It does, however sound like Van Halen with Roth.

Opener “Tattoo” was the first single and weakest track.  It’s also the only one with audible keyboards (by Dave), though just for texture.  Roth said the multi-layered chorus was inspired by artists such as Rhianna, but that chorus is actually the annoying part of the song.  Eddie’s fills and Dave’s verses are fine and entertaining, as is Wolfie’s fuzzy bass.  The chorus is the weak link, perhaps even worse than the lyrics:  lines such as “tramp stamp tat” and “mousewife to momshell”.  I like tattoos as much as the next guy, but I’ll never use the word “momshell” except when discussing this album.

The real banger is the second single, “She’s the Woman”, a pretty close approximation of the original Van Halen song (pre-debut album).  Wolfie’s playing is monstrous, with a catchy circular bassline that proved the kid had the talent to be in this band.  His dad must have loved jamming with him.  Ed’s solo really brings us back to classic Van Halen, while Alex’s drums have that sound that we all missed.  I hate to say it, but this rendition is probably superior to the original lineup’s version.

“You And Your Blues” has that choppy Eddie guitar we love, and those “ahh, ahh” backing vocals that scream Van Halen, even without Mike.  Dave’s lower voice works well on the verses, though he is stretched out on the high notes in the chorus.  A great Van Halen album-quality song.    (If you’re fortunate enough to have a CD/DVD combo set, you’ll be treated to a cool acoustic version of “You And Your Blues” with loads of storytelling from Roth.)

“China Town” has some of the best shredding on album.  From Wolfie’s crazy capo bass to the lightning fast tempo, all four members of Van Halen are on fire.  If any song can be said to take the classic sound and launch it into orbit, it’s “China Town”, and Wolf is the star.  The bass is not overly high in the mix, but when you listen to it and isolate it in your head, you realize that this guy has brought a new side to Van Halen:  bass shred.  Additionally, it’s a great song in every way.

Going back to 1984 and an instrumental section called “Ripley”, “Blood and Fire” was reworked in 2000 for an aborted reunion with Roth.  Interestingly “Blood and Fire” actually sounds more like Hagar era Van Halen.  It does contain one of Dave’s favourite concert phrases:  “Well look at the all of the people here tonight!”  If this track had been on 5150, it would have fit like a glove, though it would have been one of the more rocking tunes.  Edward himself is the star on this one, as he rips, shreds, and tears as if it really was 1984 again.

“Bullethead” sounds new, and also goes back to the 2000 sessions.  Van Halen speed and Dave “charasma” are held together by the rhythm section of Al and Wolf.  It contains the lyric “Got a different kind of truth”, from which the album takes its title.  Ed’s effect-laden solo is no less cool, though nobody will list “Bullethead” in their top 20 Van Halen songs.  A cool album track it is, but that’s all.

One of the coolest tunes would have to be “As Is”.  Opening with some Alex drum intensity, it breaks into a slow heavy riff, before finally accelerating into a powerhouse Van Halen smokeshow.  That running riff sounds so classic, you could swear they injected Ed with youth serum.  He sounds like a man reborn, both in terms of shred but also in fun.  Ed gets to play with many different sounds and tempos on “As Is”, while Dave also gets to enjoy himself with singing and that spoken word stuff he does so well.  Most of this is done very fast.

This sounds like a natural side break.  “Honeybabysweetiedoll” (another 2000 track) comes across like a side two opener.  Ed is experimenting with new sounds, like he used to, and you’ve never heard Ed sound or play like this before.  He goes for a middle-eastern vibe, but with the kind of intensity that other bands do not have the mettle to muster.  Dave’s lyrics about soccer moms don’t quite hit the spot where the music is concerned, but nobody’s listening to this song for the lyrics.  It’s the guitar that makes the biggest impact here.  You can imagine the Ed diehard fans just pounding their fists in celebration when they heard what Ed was up to, before they tried to figure out how he got that sound.

“The Trouble With Never” might be the only track that doesn’t seem like it goes anywhere.  You also miss Michael Anthony the most on backing vocals here.  It’s just a song.  Not a great one, not a bad one…but with one hell of a cool bassline.

“Outta Space” originated in the mid-70’s as “Let’s Get Rockin'”.  The riff is classic even though it never made an album before.  Dave sings in his highest voice, which is actually cool after a lot of lower pitched songs.  As you’d expect for a song originally called “Let’s Get Rockin'”, it smokes from start to finish, top speed and loaded with cool Eddie licks.  It’s fun to hear the rhythm guitar drop out during his solo, just as it used to in 1978.  Ed wasn’t fond of that sound, but it certainly evokes an era and a vibe.  It’s like a warm sweater.  Maybe Ed would appreciate that sometimes the absence of a guitar can also speak.

Dave plays acoustic guitar on the fun “Stay Frosty”, an old song that certainly recalls “Ice Cream Man” in every way.  There’s one lyric that Dave liked to point out:  “If you wanna be a monk, you gotta cook a lot of rice.”  Hey, it’s not untrue.  Let me put it this way:  If you imagined a sequel to “Ice Cream Man”, it’s “Stay Frosty”.  Not quite as good, but hits all the same beats that you want to hear.

“Big River” sounds like an older song.  It has a cool curly guitar opening, before laying into this awesome guitar/bass groove.  More a groove than a riff.  Dave’s lyrics and singing are top notch on this song.  Classic Van Halen. The surprise is that halfway through the song, for the solo section, it transforms into a completely different groove.  This section has some of Eddie’s best playing too.  It reverts back to the original riff for the last third of the song.  All the while Wolfie is playing the most incredible bass fills, but never stepping on his dad’s toes.  Think about that for a second.  In the mix, you have the greatest guitar player in the world playing over this awesome riff, but the bass player still manages to throw a whole bunch of cool fills in there, without getting in the way.  That’s a band, and that’s family, and that’s talent.  If this song had been on an album like Fair Warning, people would still remember it today.

The closing song “Beat’s Workin'” starts with a cascade of Alex Van Halen drums, gone gonzo.  It then breaks into a fun riff and a good time album-ender.  A song called “Beats Workin'” should sound like a celebration.  I get a bit of a Max Webster vibe, though heavier, along with a hint of Aerosmith.  Once again the rhythm guitar drops out when Eddie goes solo, but then Wolf gets a moment in the spotlight too.  His fuzz bass tone is very much unlike Michael Anthony’s.  There’s a moment here when he and Alex are just playing while Ed does his thing, and it feels beautiful, especially now, knowing the family will never be reunited.  But let’s not get too somber.  It’s a party, after all.

The bonus DVD also includes acoustic versions of “Panama” and “Beautiful Girls”.  They are alright.  Valuable to have in your collection.  You might not go back to listen to them very often.  Another reason to own this physically is the lyric sheet, with cool sketches for each song.  This is a Dave touch.

Final thoughts:

  1. The album cover, though a cool picture of a train, just doesn’t feel like classic Van Halen.  Then again, what does?  They’ve had so many different kinds of covers.
  2. The production on this album slams.
  3. Though Eddie is the star, and we’re all listening to every note he plays, it doesn’t sound like an EVH solo album like VHIII did.  It sounds like a real band album.
  4. John Shanks and David Lee Roth did the best they could with what remains of Dave’s voice, and did a fine job of it by doing more of that speak-sing thing.
  5. The flow on this album is excellent.  There is hardly any filler, and every song works in its given slot, especially the closing trio of “Stay Frosty”, “Big River” and “Beats Workin'”.

4.5/5 stars

COMPLETE VAN HALEN REVIEW SERIES:

VAN HALEN – Zero (1977 Gene Simmons demo bootleg)
VAN HALEN – Van Halen (1978 Warner)
VAN HALEN – Van Halen II (1979 Warner)
VAN HALEN – Women and Children First (1980 Warner)
VAN HALEN – Fair Warning (1981 Warner)
VAN HALEN – Diver Down (1982 Warner)
VAN HALEN – 1984 (1984 Warner)
VAN HALEN – 5150 (1986 Warner Bros.)
VAN HALEN – OU812 (1988 Warner)
VAN HALEN – For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (1991)
VAN HALEN – LIVE: Right here, right now. (1993 Warner Bros, plus “Jump” live single)
VAN HALEN – Balance (1995 Warner – Japanese version included)
VAN HALEN – Balance (1995) Review by Derek Kortepeter
VAN HALEN – Best Of Volume I (1996 Warner)
VAN HALEN – 3 (Collectors’ tin 1998)
VAN HALEN – The Best of Both Worlds (2005 Warner)
VAN HALEN – A Different Kind of Truth (2012)
VAN HALEN – Tokyo Dome Live in Concert (2015)
VAN HALEN – Tokyo Dome Live in Concert (2015) Review by Tommy Morais

+

VAN HALEN – Rock & Roll Hoochie Koo (1975 radio broadcast
VAN HALEN – “Best of Both Worlds” (1986 Warner 7″ single)
VAN HALEN – Live Without a Net (1987 VHS/DVD)
VAN HALEN – Selections from LIVE: Right here, right now. (1993 Warner promo EP)
VAN HALEN – “Can’t Get This Stuff No More” / “Me Wise Magic” (1996 Warner promo singles)
VAN HALEN – “Can’t Stop Loving You” (Parts 1 & 2, inc. collector’s tin)
VAN HALEN – “Right Now” (1992 cassette single, Warner)
VAN HALEN – Video Hits Volume I (1998 DVD)
VAN HALEN vs. JOHN LENNON – “Imagine A Jump” mashup by “Mighty Mike”

RECORD STORE TALES Part 186:  The Van Halen Tin
GETTING MORE TALE #657: Operation: Van Halen (Derek’s Story)

GUEST FILM REVIEWS: Alice Cooper’s Top Five Horror Films – Holen’s Halloween Extravaganza 2024

Welcome boys and ghouls to Holen’s Halloween Extravaganza 2024! Throughout the month of October, yours truly will be supplying you with reviews of hellish horror every week. We begin with not one film, but five! I’ve decided to review Alice Cooper’s top 5 horror films according to an interview in NME.

In order to avoid a mammoth length approximating the intimidating size of the LeSausage*, I’ll keep each of these as concise as my loquacious heart will allow. The films are as such in the order that Cooper lists them.

5. SALEM’S LOT (1979)

A TV miniseries based on a Stephen King book as directed by Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s own Tobe Hooper? Sign me up. Featuring some of the greatest and most disturbing vampire makeup ever put to film, the parts that focus on him are the strongest moments of the film. That said, there’s too much fat in the runtime that focuses on the mostly uninteresting townspeople. It could have maintained the slow burn anticipation of revealing the vampire while cutting the three hour run time down to a standard ninety minute feature. Still, the vampire scenes rule.

3.5/5

4. SUSPIRIA (1977)

An iridescent Italian horror classic from Dario Argento. It’s a visually stunning piece with a masterful grip on tension. An American dancer travels to Germany to join a prestigious dance studio, only to learn it’s a front for a coven of witches. Ah, poop. Like several horror movies, it lacks narrative cohesion and momentum, but the visuals, mystery, and creatively graphic kills keep you interested in the ride.

4/5

3. THE HAUNTING (1963)

Black and white psychological terror. One of the all time great haunted house movies. The cinematography is immaculate, light and shadow coalesce with a classic story to foster a genuinely chilling atmosphere. The story isn’t particularly unique, with a scientist visiting a haunted house with several volunteers to prove the existence of ghosts, only to bite off more than they can chew. It’s just executed about as well as you could do so.

4/5

2. THE EVIL DEAD (1981)

Sam Raimi’s feature directorial debut, and Bruce Campbell’s big screen debut. It’s a feature length remake of a 1978 Raimi short film called Within the Woods which served as a demonstration to obtain funds for the full version here. Joel Coen was the assistant editor on The Evil Dead, and was inspired by this approach, opting to shoot a trailer for Blood Simple to secure funding for that film. No Evil Dead, maybe no Fargo, Big Lebowski, or No Country for Old Men either. How about that?

As for the film at hand, it’s a classic cabin in the woods story with gore aplenty and a kinetic campy style. Raimi’s visual style is antithetical to boredom when he’s directing anything except Kevin Costner’s worst baseball movie. The Evil Dead is good clean American fun, but would ultimately be improved upon in every way by the absolutely bonkers sequel Evil Dead II.

4.5/5

1. CARNIVAL OF SOULS (1962)

Perhaps the most overlooked movie on the list, it’s a haunting paranormal thriller with a somewhat predictable twist, but that’s not the point. A black and white haunting miracle of unease and gothic dissidence. The main character even plays a church organ! It excels in the quiet moments, as it builds to its tragically horrific but inevitable conclusion. Shoutout to director Herk Harvey, who also directed the greatest work safety film ever, Shake Hands With Danger.

5/5

Nice picks, Alice! His list meets the Holen seal of approval. Tune in next week kids for something completely different…

* That’s just a rumour.  One I started myself.  Flattery will get you everywhere, Holen!  – Mike

#1158: I dated a witch!

Welcome to a series of posts related to Halloween 2024!  Holen has written some guest posts, and I have my own bag of treats planned.  Enjoy!

RECORD STORE TALES #1158: I dated a witch!

 

A sequel to #904:  2000 Dates and #616:  None of My Exes Live in Texas

 

I have held off telling this tale long enough!  There are many reasons why I haven’t told this story until now, but here are the two main ones:

  1. I didn’t want to upset my grandmother.
  2. I don’t know anything about witchcraft at all, therefore I don’t want to seem like I’m making fun of someone’s religion.

However, I also think it’s amusing to say the sentence, “I dated a witch once”.  So here we go.

I explained in Record Store Tales #904:  2000 Dates, I did a lot of online dating in the year 2000.  Every time, it seemed the girl had something unique about her.  For example:

  1. One girl was the cousin of Haywire singer Paul MacAusland, and suffered from I osteogenesis imperfecta, the same disease that affected Mr. Glass in the Unbreakable trilogy.  We went out once, and she wasn’t into me.
  2. Another girl was in AA and I actually attended a meeting with her, which was a bad idea.  We went out a few times.  She wasn’t sure if she wanted a friend or a boyfriend, so I stopped calling her.
  3. One was legally blind!  She got into that movie The Cell with Jennifer Lopez and Vincent D’onofrio for free.  She was starting a new life in a new town and I don’t think I was her best prospect.  I stopped hearing from her, until one day she accidentally emailed me.  I think we went out twice total.  She had awesome black dreads.

This story is about none of those women.

Cynthia was from Toronto.  She shared her surname with a prominent Star Trek character.  She was into Sloan and A Perfect Circle.  She took horrible care of her CDs.  We wanted to listen to music, and I suggested 4 Nights at the Palais Royale by Sloan, but the discs were all mixed up in her collection.  I knew it wasn’t going to work out.

We had one day together.  I drove up to Toronto, got lost, and had a huge panic attack on my way there.  No GPS, but I did have a cell phone.  That was actually the end right there.  It had nothing to do with her.  It was the drive.  I knew I’d never do that drive again.

Besides listening to music, I watched Cynthia work.  She was an online psychic.  I’m a sceptic, but the kind that would like to be convinced.  She got on her computer, opened a word file, and began responding to emails.  She scrolled through her word file, found a paragraph she liked, and hit “copy”.  “This one will work,” she said.  She had all her “psychic” readings pre-written; she just selected one that applied to the question.  “I do real ones sometimes,” she justified to me.  Sometimes.  Not that night though.

We went for a walk, we talked, and Cynthia tried to explain her religion to me.  She was a “weather witch”, she told me.  She practiced Wicca.  Wicca and witchcraft, she explained, were not interchangeable terms, but she was both.  I was pretty clear that I was comfortable where I was spiritually, but hey, cool.  I very much had a “you do you” attitude when it came to religion.  We were both raised Catholic, so we had that in common.  She had two roommates, also Wiccan.  They had a picture up in their main entrance of their horned god, which was interesting, but they didn’t laugh when I commented that their god appeared “horny”.  Come on, cut the new guy some slack!

I made it home on Highway 401 in one piece.  I knew I’d never be going back.  It was a matter of telling her.  She did not take it well.

Cynthia had made for me a little magic pouch to protect me on the highway.  When I told her I could not do that drive again, she was quite upset.  “I’ll take the bus to you!” she offered.  There were tears…I felt awful.  I had described her as a “stage 5 clinger” before, which is unkind but not untrue.  It was the first time I had experienced something like this.  I went from indifferent dates, to this!

I went out the night of that phone call with some friends to a round of mini-golf.  It helped me get my mind off things.  I shared that I was slightly afraid she’d cast a spell on me.  You always say “Oh but magic and witches aren’t real,” but I thought, “Cynthia didn’t think so.”  What’s real?  And what the hell did I know at age 28?   We laughed a lot during that round of mini-golf, but then my friend Will prank called my car phone pretending to be an angry friend of Cynthia’s.  That took some calming down after.  Later, I was teased at a staff party by my co-workers about the kinds of spells she would put on me for dumping her.  You can see why I haven’t told this story before.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to all these people I went out with during that period of time.  Married, with adult kids now?  Do they even remember me?  I’m the one writing all this; maybe I’m the clinger after all.

 

 

REVIEW: Aerosmith – “F.I.N.E.” (AOR Mix) (1989 Promo)

Thanks to Ash Geisler for this CD!  It is a welcome addition to my collection!

AEROSMITH – “F.I.N.E.” (AOR Mix) (1989 Geffen Promo PRO-CD-3806)

“AOR” equals “Album Oriented Rock”, a radio format established in the 1960s that essentially means “classic rock” by today’s standards.  Therefore, this Aerosmith single would be a remix aimed specifically at those kinds of radio stations.  Frequently and historically, many of these remixes are barely different at all from the album version.  Additionally, “F.I.N.E.” from 1989’s Pump album was not really considered a single.  It wasn’t available to buy commercially, and it wasn’t made into a music video.  It was a radio single only.  At 4:08, this track is not edited.

“F.I.N.E.”, which was track 2 on the album, is considered one of Aerosmith finer rock moments from the Geffen years.  It was always focused on a biting heavy Aero groove, a melodic Tyler vocal, and that irresistible chorus of “It’s aaaaaaaalright!”  This remix is hardly different at all.  If anything, the bass might be coming through more clearly.

If you have a look at the waveform file below, you can see there isn’t much difference, though some are visible.  The AOR mix is at top, the original 1989 CD file at bottom.

I don’t feel there’s any point in rating a promo CD single like on a scale of 5, because what’s the point?  This CD is valuable as a collectible to fans and hoarders alike.  It has an exclusive remix, and whether you can hear a difference isn’t the point to a collector.   Sometimes obscure AOR mixes get reissued on greatest hits or box sets, but to date, this one has not.

“Joe Perry says I’m aaaaallright!”

Thanks again to Ash from Australia for sending me this CD which I shall file with my Pump collection!