THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN
PHASE TWO: THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
Chapter Twenty-Six: The Final Chapter
By Harrison Kopp
Shinzon, the renegade clone of El Moustachio, was having a bit of an existential crisis. Again. Since escaping Marshall Lokjaw and choosing Hawaii to lay low, he had found life to be quite uneventful. And it was kind of bothering him.
As he walked back to his volcanic lair underneath Diamond Head, after yet another day working in a grocery store, he took a few moments to reflect on his existence now.
Is this really living? Just existing without purpose, spending all your time surviving? Do people just do this every day until they die?
Since killing the Brainiac and fulfilling his number one goal in his short life, he’d been without direction. He was only hiding here out of necessity, as Tyranus had put a very large bounty on his head, and he was going a little stir crazy.
There were admittedly some benefits to the peaceful life. It was less stressful, allowing him to slow down focus on the smaller things. Each day gave him unique reasons to smile. In theory. He just wished people would stop asking about his hook hand. It was a souvenir from his battle with the Brainiac, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to be telling anyone that.
And there would be no smiling at the moment, for Shinzon’s ruminations were cut short when he stubbed his toe on something.
“Ow!” he cried, frantically looking around to see if anyone had heard him. It seemed not. He looked down to see a piece of metal sticking out of the ground. It glinted in the sun, one corner freshly cleaned from a recent rain storm. The rain must have unearthed it…whatever it is, thought Shinzon.
Reaching down, Shinzon pulled hard. It took a fair amount of force to dislodge it from its earthy prison, but he managed. He turned it over in his hand and examined it. It looked like it had been there for an incredibly long time. The dirt was caked into every crevice. Curiously though, the metal was pristine underneath. And it smelled of alcohol.
This could be worth further study he thought to himself, putting it in his backpack. He continued his ascent, once again allowing himself to become lost in thought regarding his future plans.
Finally making it up the mountainside to the entrance to the lair, he pressed the concealed button and entered the hatchway. After putting the supplies he’d bought in the “fridge” (actually the air conditioning unit from the Quadjumper), he placed the strange device on the workbench and went to sleep. It could wait until tomorrow.
However, unbeknownst to Shinzon, and the rest of the residents on Hawaii, things were about to get a lot more exciting the next day, because as they slept on this warm night, a flying saucer of Martian origin touched down in the forest outside the town. Out from it emerged three aliens, who quickly disappeared into the night.
The following morning, inside Deke’s Palace, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were up bright and early and hard at work looking over everything they knew about Shinzon. It wasn’t much. To them, he was a Lego thief who had disappeared during an earlier adventure. The next they heard of him, he had inexplicably reappeared to murder the Brainiac. This particular incident would lead to a vengeful Dr. K (Brainiac’s sister) confronting our heroes and demanding they end Shinzon for his part in her brother’s death. And she meant business.
But at the very least, they had confirmed that Shinzon was on Earth. That meant that it was just a matter of finding him. Tee Bone was currently scouring the internet for any mentions of his name that weren’t Star Trek related (not easy), and Deke was reading the findings from the other members of the Northern Lights.
The ring of the doorbell disrupted their workflow. Deke answered it to find the local mailman out of breath.
“*Huff*… *huff* Someone *huff* wanted this to get to you,” he said, handing Deke a mostly flat package. The tell-tale sign of a record.
“Thank you,” Deke said, taking the record. “There’s a water fountain on the grounds about 30 metres that way.”
The mailman let out an appreciative exhale as Deke closed the door and began to unbox the package. Sure enough it was the album he’d expected, on Thalarian green coloured vinyl at that.
This particular record wasn’t easy to come by. The KMA eastern offices had pulled double time with their grail list searchers to find it. But they had come through, and Deke now held in his hands a copy of the only vinyl edition of Jerry Goldsmith’s Star Trek: Nemesis score. It was the film that Shinzon’s creator had taken the pleasure of sourcing the clone’s name.
Deke returned to the theatre room (they were using the bigger screen to better scour security camera footage) and put side A of the soundtrack on, before going back to work. But it wasn’t long before the skipping of the record (harder to discern than usual due to the lack of vocals) got the two heroes’ attention.
“Tee! Danger vibes!” Deke exclaimed. “Just as we’d hoped.”
The skipping of the record was then joined by the ringing of their secure video call line. This could only mean one thing.
Tee Bone ran over to the computer and answered the call. The video connection was operating, but the camera seemed to have been angled too low, as all our two heroes could see was one very muscly chest.
“Mes amis!” came the voice of who they recognized as Jex Rambo through the stacks of Marshall amplifiers arranged in a 5.1 Surround Sound configuration.
“Jex!” Tee Bone excitedly said. “Great to see you. Want to have that discussion about Done With Mirrors we were planning?”
“I’m afraid I’m calling on official Durling Foundation business this time, Monsieur,” Jex replied. “Last night our long-range sensors detected an unknown object enter the atmosphere and land in Hawaii. The engine emissions match those of the Martian UFO you brought back last year.”
“I knew it was a good idea to let them take a look at that UFO we stole from Mars. Can’t believe Snowman didn’t want to lend it to them,” Deke said, though he was quite puzzled by the strand of dyed blonde hair they’d found on the back seat. Maybe a DNA test would reveal who else had been in the ship, and when.
“We’re sending over some agents to investigate,” Jex continued. “I think we could use your help on this one.”
Tee Bone cast a glance at Deke. It would seriously derail their search for Shinzon. They only had 30 days to find him, per their temporary truce with Dr. K, but they’d always help a friend in need. Deke nodded in the affirmative.
“We’re in.”
“Excellent. We’ll be testing out a new stealth jet we’ve been working on so we’ll be find you once we’ve touched down there.”
“It’ll be late by the time we all get there. Get a good night’s rest and we’ll meet up in the morning.”, Jex said as he signed off.
“Do you see them?” Deke asked, hoping.
“It’s not easy to spot him in this crowd you know,” Tee Bone replied. “Lots of shirtless tourists.”
But it turns out they didn’t need to find Jex, as he found them first.
“Mes amis!” Jex Rambo shouted from behind them.
The two heroes spun around to see the recognizable abdominal section of Jex Rambo. Handshakes were in order, before Tee Bone sharply cut to business.
“Our previous encounter with Martians indicated they were interested in replacing key members of our society with doubles. But we atomised their leader.” he said
“They must be reporting to someone higher then,” Jex mused. “It will be hard to track them down in this city. We’ll have to split up.”
“Alright.” Deke spoke up. “Why don’t you check on the governor and make sure he’s all accounted for in the past 24 hours. We’ll do a little investigating among the populace.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Jex replied. “Now, let’s see if we can find these aliens.” The trio went to work asking around the town and looking for clues.
Very nearby, Shinzon was engaged in one of the most sacred of domestic rituals: the washing of the laundry. Of course, he had no way to do this in his volcano lair, and so he was currently putting change into the washing machine at town laundromat.
How has my life come to this? He thought to himself. I was destined for greatness. Although, to be fair, the chances of being murdered in a laundromat are pretty slim. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all.
He pressed the start button and turned around to take a seat and wait.
A little while later he looked up and an icy shot of fear went straight through his heart. Walking right up to the door of the laundromat was none other than Tee Bone Man and Superdekes.
It only took them a minute. The two men had entered and looked around. Nothing much looked out of the ordinary. That was, until they got to the washing machine where Shinzon had been sitting mere moments before.
“Hey Tee, come take a look at this,” Deke said, motioning towards the washing machine.
Tee Bone walked over and the two studied the contents of the machine. They didn’t recognise the silver and blue jumpsuit Shinzon usually wore into action, but they did notice it.
“This looks odd, almost alien even,” Deke said. “But what is it doing in one of these machines?”
“Well, it’s almost done. Let’s just wait here and see who comes to collect it,” Tee Bone replied.
Shinzon watched the two men take a seat from inside the wardrobe he was hiding in. This was not good.
But luck was on Shinzon’s side today however, because only a minute before the load was due to finish a great cacophony of sounds caught the attention of the two heroes. From outside came the echoes of screams, car brakes and the smashing of metal.
Tee Bone and Deke immediately sprang into action, running outside to face whatever was out there, which turned out to be just a car crash. However, a superhero is always on call. They still lent their aid, Tee Bone’s super strength helping remove the twisted metal trapping one of the drivers. Other than that, there was some damage to the building, but everything appeared to be fine. Most of the people appeared to have panicked and left the scene already, and no one was hurt.
The two men re-entered the laundromat, only to find the machine they had previously been staking out completely empty.
“Blast!” Deke cursed.
Tee Bone radioed Jex. “Hey Jex, we’re at the laundromat and we think someone with valuable intel just left here. If you’re nearby, keep an eye out for someone carrying a silver and blue jumpsuit.”
“Got it,” crackled Jex’s reply.
Shinzon’s luck had just ran out. Having cleared the city limits, he thought he was home-free. He thought wrong. Before him stood three Martians, all blocking his path. There was only one thing he could do now, but it meant bringing the men he had just escaped right to him.
Pulling a flaregun from his pocket (the closest thing he had to a weapon) he fired directly at the sky and ran for his life up the mountain side.
Meanwhile, the man known only as the Night Ranger, an enforcer for the Durling Foundation, continued to prowl the rooftops. His black cowl concealed his face beneath. The commotion near the laundromat had not escaped his attention, and he was now listening out for any clues as to what happened. One conversation in particular caught his attention.
“It was like an evil koala or something,” a young woman said. This could be something Night Ranger thought to himself.
But before he could follow this thread further, his attention was immediately drawn to the sound of an explosion from the jungle nearby. He looked over to see a bright red flare burning in the sky.
“Night Ranger, come in!” came Jex’s voice from his radio.
“I see it,” Night Ranger said, already running in that direction, his cape a blur behind him.
“Tee Bone and I are already en route,” Jex continued.
“Understood,” Night Ranger replied, altering the direction he was heading in.
Shinzon was tearing up the mountainside as fast as his legs could carry him, but the Martians continued their dogged pursuit. A searing laser blast sizzled past his ear and vaporised a tree in front of him. He was running out of time and luck.
He dared not drop the bag of laundry. If he got out of this he would need the jumpsuit within.
Finally reaching the concealed entrance to his lair, he practically dove headfirst into it through the foliage. Several laser blasts atomised the leaves obscuring the hole. He only had seconds before the Martians were upon him.
He got to his feet and tore through the tunnels towards the Quadjumper’s cave. Twisting and turning through the tunnels, he was sure he’d lost his pursuers. But that was far from the case, he would discover when he entered a large cave room. At the exact moment the Martians and our heroes converged on that very location.
“YOU!” Tee Bone growled.
The enraged superhero struck a violent power chord so hard that he broke two of the strings on his guitar. The sonic wave picked up Shinzon and slammed him violently against the cave wall.
A great rumbling filled the tunnel. Cracks began to appear in the walls, as steaming orange liquid began to ooze out of then.
“Oh shit…” Tee Bone exclaimed with his eyes wide.
Rocks began to fall, separating the three groups from one another.
The way forward was now blocked in this tunnel. From beyond the rubble cave was heard the harsh sound of Martian speech. But the cave network was multi-latticed, and Tee Bone knew there’d be a way through in one of the previous tunnels they’d passed. He began to run, but Deke attempted to grab him.
“We can’t Tee! We have to get out of here!” Deke pleaded.
“No! He’s going to pay for what he did!”
“I know, and he will. But it’s too dangerous. Trust me. We have to go now.”
Tee Bone paused for a second, then nodded. “Alright.”
The two men turned around and sprinted for the way they came. They retraced their steps back, skipping around pools of magma seeping up and falling from above, like a real-life game of “The Floor is Lava”. They reached the exit with not a moment too soon, as the entire cave behind them flooded.
Without a second’s hesitation, Tee Bone grabbed Deke and flew them back down the mountain to the outskirts of the city. They’d be safe from any lava here, short of a full-on eruption.
Looking upwards, they could see the Quadjumper in the lower atmosphere, with an alien UFO in hot pursuit. Tee Bone prepared to take off after it, but Jex stopped them.
“Don’t worry, I have a guy on this,” the muscly man said.
And sure enough, Jex made good on his word. Mere moments later a black stealth jet streaked past the trio and blasted towards the upper atmosphere, quickly overtaking the martian UFO.
“Night Ranger!” Jex cried into his radio. “You read me buddy?”
“Loud and clear,” came a mechanically distorted voice “Don’t start thinkin’! I’m gaining on the fleeing ship. I can almost see their faces…”
“Shoot him down!” Tee Bone yelled into the radio.
The jet was almost in striking range, but a blinking red light on the console alerted Night Ranger to a problem. A failure in one of the coolant pumps. “Damn! Can’t find me a thrill…” He had to abort.
“I’m sorry guys, but there’s been a technical malfunction here. One of the cooler pumps that goes directly into the Streamyard unit have completely failed. It’s frozen up. I have to withdraw,” he radioed down to his friends on the ground.
“No!” Tee Bone yelled.
“Sorry,” Came Night Rangers apologetic voice over the radio. “It’s a mechanical failure…the tech in this jet is all analog. I’ll crash if I try to pursue. Blame Mr. Durling for his obsession with this old 80s stuff.”
The stealth jet disengaged and headed back to the surface, but the alien UFO continued right past it, lasers blazing. Tee Bone Man responded immediately, and got himself into the air. “We want Shinzon alive!” he announced, and aimed his guitar carefully for a shot that would disable the engines. He could fly beneath, and bring it to a safe landing. Or, less lethal landing anyway. If his aim was just right….
The UFO also had its sights on Shinzon, and its occupants did not care if he was alive or dead. They continued to fire laser blasts directly on the Quadjumper. Several of them found their mark on the Quadjumper’s rear, exploding into green splashes of colour and leaving dark scorch marks. Helpless to stop it, Tee Bone gasped. Softly landing, he watched what unfolded next.
In the cockpit, Shinzon was frantically trying to keep his ship moving upwards. As the sparks and steam clouded his vision, he desperately looked around for the fire suppression lever. But it was actually the strange device he had discovered on Earth that drew his attention.
It began to grow warm and vibrate gently. The stench of Scotch filled the cockpit. Then, an instant later, the Quadjumper was enveloped in a deep gold explosion, and ceased to exist in Tee Bone’s universe.
Tee Bone stared at the sky ahead, viewing the aftermath of the explosion the Quadjumper had disappeared into.
“Good riddance,” he shrugged. “We can hope.”
Later that day, the heroes were meeting up in a local restaurant for lunch before heading back to Canada. The rest of the morning had been pretty uneventful. The aliens had left the Earth after seemingly completing their mission, and our heroes were now enjoying a quiet moment of reflection while eating.
Jex had also taken the time to properly introduce Tee Bone and Deke to the Night Ranger.
“I’ve been here this whole time. Just incognito,“ the masked hero said. “I have to cover my face in public when buying Bon Jovi records at the local Walmart.”
The group nodded in understanding.
“How come we never saw you then?” Deke quizzed him.
“I’m good at my job,” was the reply.
“Haha. Well you’ll have to teach us your ways sometime,” Deke laughed.
“So what happens now?” Jex asked Tee Bone.
“Well Dr K should be off our backs now. And our Shinzon problem is solved too,” Tee Bone said. “With a little luck I think we might have a bit of peace and quiet in the coming months.”
“That sounds good to me buddy,” said Deke. “I could use some R&R – that’s rock and roll!”
Outside the restaurant, the quartet said their goodbyes.
“You take the stealth jet home,” said Tee Bone. “I feel like flying.” Tee Bone stretched his arms into the air — and nothing happened.
“Doing some yoga, mon ami?” asked Jex Rambo.
“Hang on,” said Tee. “Sometimes it takes a little jump to get airborne.” He jumped, arms outstretched to the sky…and nothing.
“The hell?” asked Deke. “I mean, I always joked that you can fly and I can’t, but this isn’t funny. Try strumming some chords.”
Tee Bone removed the Stratocaster from his back and played a chord. It came out muted, out of tune, and completely unamplified.
“I…can’t fly!” said Tee Bone in distress. He tried blasting a nearby tree with the power of radioactive Scotch. He may as well have farted in the wind, for nothing happened.
“I don’t understand what’s happening!” cried Deke. “Try something else. Try…up up and away?”
“It’s no use Deke! I cannot fly! My powers…they’re gone!” Night Ranger and Jex Rambo looked on with great concern.
“What happened to Tee Bone Man?” screamed Deke in hysterics.
From above came a voice. A hollow, echoey voice that was somehow familiar to the two superheroes.
“I believe I have the answer to that,” came the voice. Before our group appeared a spectre. It was the visage of an elderly man, dressed in jeans and a black leather jacket. The transparent man smiled on at Deke and Tee Bone.
“Holy shit…” said Night Ranger. “I recognize that guy…”
“Sacre bleu! Me too!” exclaimed Jex.
“So do I!” cried Tee Bone. “If it isn’t William W. Roderick Stewart the Third!”
“In the flesh!” bowed the image of Stewart. “Well, in the ectoplasm anyway.”
Jex Rambo snickered at the joke. He was, after all, a Ghostbusters fan. “So you are a ghost?” asked Jex.
“Indeed I am,” answered Stewart. “I have been watching from above, in Rock and Roll Heaven, all this time. But friends…your time is at an end. Your duties are fulfilled. Tee Bone’s powers were intrinsically linked to the Scotch Matrix, an object of great power. It was hidden here in Hawaii all this time, unknown to me. Now, the character you know as Shinzon has caused it to leave this universe. Where it has gone, I do not know. My powers do not extend that far. But without it in this universe, Tee Bone Man’s Scotch based powers cannot exist. The Scotch Matrix was a powerful artefact indeed.”
“But we have so much left to do!” said Tee Bone. “We have to save rock and roll! You said so yourself!”
“That I did,” answered Stewart. “And have you not done that? Many, many times over? Have you not saved rock and roll from Satan, Tommy Lee, Billy Sheehan, Wicked Lester, and many more? And now you have saved this universe from Shinzon, and the masters he served — Tyranus, and Unicron, the Eater of Worlds. He shall not be feasting on Earth this time.”
“What are you saying, old man? That you don’t need us anymore? You’re cutting us loose now that Tee Bone is no longer of any use to you?” scolded Deke.
The ghost of Stewart laughed. “Me? No, no. You misunderstand. Once I left this mortal coil, I was no longer in any control. I am merely a watcher, an observer now. However, the universe clearly conspired to create you two in the first place. The universe knew it was in danger, and so brought you to me, and gave you powers. What is given can be taken away…and you have done your duty. You have done more than enough. And now, you may have your rewards.”
“Rewards?” asked Tee Bone. “What rewards?”
“Exactly what you wanted! R&R – rock and roll, plus rest and relaxation. You can go home now, Tee Bone. Go home. Enjoy life, with Deke. Play music, and never worry about danger vibes again. You may stay in Deke’s Palace forever. It is yours, to do with as you please. The next generation is here. The Durling Foundation, and these two men, Night Ranger and Jex Rambo, are capable of defending the Earth. They will not be alone. They have the rest of the Northern Lights at their command! The King of Sharks will defend the sea. The Mars Man will be sent to the Red Planet to deal with the Martians. You have the bank accounts of the Snowman, and the libraries of Mr. Books. You have Specialist Jen Ladano watching from orbit. For what it’s worth, Max the Axe is always on standby. And there may be some old members of the band returning to the fold, if the universe wills it.
“Go, Tee Bone Man and Superdekes. Now, you are simply Troy and Derek once again. The world is in good hands. I have…foreseen it.”
And with that and a sly wink, the spectre disappeared.
“Wait!! We have so many questions!” exclaimed Deke. “What is the Scotch Matrix? Who is Unicron?” But it was no use. The ghost of the man who started it all had disappeared, like Obi-Wan Kenobi into the mists.
It took a moment for all this to sink in.
“You know what Deke? I’m actually relieved,” said Tee Bone. “I mean, it’s no secret that this job has been hard on my health. Look at my trips to camp, for example. I’m…I’m excited about retirement!”
“Actually…me too,” said Deke. “More time for music,” he reasoned.
The heroes embraced, and went their separate ways. Home.
Back in Canada Dr. K, was reviewing the footage sent to her from Deke. The camera feed on the stealth jet had recorded Shinzon’s demise. But her desire for revenge wasn’t satiated yet. Shinzon couldn’t have been working alone. Tee Bone Man and Superdekes were off the hook, but someone had orchestrated her brother’s death.
And they were going to pay.
Shinzon, meanwhile, was intently holding his breath, and not just because he wasn’t 100% sure the ship was still airtight. All four engines were out and he was drifting Cthulu-knows-where. Life support was barely functional.
Trying the ignition again, he was rewarded as the engines coughed to life. The husk of the starship began to stagger erratically towards the nearest planetoid. If Shinzon survived the ‘landing’, he was going to be in quite a predicament.
The farthest reaches of space
Lord Tyranus would never admit to feeling fear, but that was exactly the emotion that ran through him as he approached the dark patch of space that his terrible master resided in. He’d spoken with him many times before, but this was the first time he was doing it in person. And the first time he was facing him after such monumental a failure.
The gigantic robotic planet took up the entire viewscreen of the Sith Lord’s shuttle, and even though his master was in planet mode, Tyranus could tell he was furious.
The thunderous voice or Unicron burst forth.
“Speak! Have you ended the clone’s existence? Is the Scotch Matrix recovered?”
“N-no master. I arrived too late.” Tyranus spoke, his heart in his throat. “But…”
“There is no ‘but’!” he roared. “No more excuses! Your failures have had terrible and far-reaching consequences. Your inability to capture this loose end has now allowed him to unravel the very tapestry of my designs. You knew the Scotch Matrix was on Earth. You just had to get it. Now it could be anywhere in the grand calculus of the multiverse.”
“I’ll redouble my efforts to find him,” Tyranus squeaked out futilely.
“No, you won’t. I’ll do it myself.”
A deafening roar filled the once-Sith Lord’s ears. His robotic hands crumbled away to dust before his eyes. Then the shuttle began to shake as a loud hum developed. He looked out the viewscreen in horror. Unicron’s rings were lit up a deep glowing orange. The hum began to pulse, reverberating around. Tyranus scrabbled for the shuttle controls futilely, unable to grasp anything with the stumps at the end of his arms.
Then, with an ear-splitting crack, the planet-sized Transformer and shuttle were gone, leaving behind only empty space.
Back in the Palace our retired heroes were enjoying their first day of rest. Things had been hectic for the last three years. The pair were enjoying this moment of slowing down. And it looked like they were going to get it. Everything Stewart said appeared to be true. Deke’s radioactive Scotch sensors had detected a massive surge from deep within the galaxy, that could only mean one thing. The Durling Foundation’s deep-space satellites corroborated his data. Unicron, and the Matrix, had left this universe.
For how long, they couldn’t tell. But if he ever returned, the New Northern Lights would be ready. The Mars Man was now installed on Mars. Mr. Books had a splendid new library to work from, provided by the Durling Foundation. Jen was in Space, keeping a close eye on the blue planet below. For a change, all was well. Even the Sasquatches were laying low this season. Not a single sighting, all summer.
Deke stood by the turntable, dropping the needle on a record. A few seconds later the opening notes of Van Halen’s “Eruption” blared forth from the speakers. Tee Bone began to get lost in the music. Eddie’s playing was note-perfect. No danger vibes. He got up, kicked off his socks, and danced.
This was going to be a great afternoon.
The End…Of This Phase
The tales of Tee Bone Man and Superdekes’ exploits may be finished, but don’t worry. You’ll be seeing more from the multiverse soon. There are plenty of stories still to tell, featuring characters new and old. Your favourites will be back soon…
The Saga continues…with the Adventures of the Northern Lights!
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 
THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN: PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA
THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS: PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA
- Chapter One: A New Beginning
SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS
THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’
THE WRITER’S ROOM
DEF LEPPARD – “Just Like 73” (7″ Mercury single)
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