REVIEW: Tonic – Head On Straight (2002)

Though they had Bob Rock in the producer’s seat, Tonic really stopped rocking on their third album.

TONIC – Head On Straight (2002 Universal)

This album really should have been their best to date, with talent like Bob Rock at the console.  Instead, it sounds as if Rock was bored or distracted, and there was nobody in quality control for songwriting.  The band sound desperate, chasing hits, and not doing what they used to – rock in their own style with twang and stomp.  The bland cover art belies the faceless music within.

The misleading opener “Roses” is a typical de-tuned early 2000s rock song.  The riff and chorus fail to lift off.  It slams hard, but there’s nothing at all to hook you in.  It’s as if the band have forgotten how to write songs.  You can hear that Jeff Russo is doing some cool stuff on guitar, but you can’t actually hear it!  It’s buried under the uninteresting riff.  It’s like they forgot all that southern charm that made their debut and follow-up both attention-getters.

Second track “Take Me As I Am” is the first ballad, and it’s fine, if a bit cookie-cutter.  It has hooks.  Three more ballads follow, and none are as memorable as anything on the first two albums.  Even the title track, “Head On Straight”, is a ballad.  I was expecting a rocker.  These ballads just don’t have the weight or impact of past albums.  They’re well produced and hefty enough, but they lack that je ne sais quoi they used to have.

“Liar” is the first rocker in a dog’s age, and it’s crap.  Low on melody and high on cliche, it ain’t good.  Then, more ballads!  Songs like “On Your Feet Again” might work a lot better if there were only two.  As it is, the brain just can’t differentiate from song to song.

Fortunately, “Come Rest Your Head” isn’t a ballad, but it also doesn’t really rock.  It has one riff that rocks, but it meanders into the murky swamp of “meh”.  Bet you’ll never guess that “Ring Around Her Finger” is a ballad though, and it’s the sappiest yet.  Singer Emerson Hart affects an annoying falsetto.  This song just stinks.   It’s followed by “Believe Me”, which I guess for lack of better words, we will also call a ballad.  It’s not a rocker, so what is it?  Mid-tempo schlock with xylophone, on an album that needed adrenaline in any form.  It’s atrocious, is what it is.

“Irish” is also embarrassing.  Would you call this a sea shanty?  A rock sea shanty?  I have no friggin’ idea.  Normally I like this kind of thing – rock music with a celtic bent – but maybe I’m just sick of this album and feeling salty.

The album ends on…a ballad.  “Let Me Go”.  It’s so cliche, it could have been music from a Family Guy montage.  Fortunately the song picks up at the end, but until that point, it is the most cliche song on the entire album.  “Let me change my direction, I won’t take their rejection!”  But Emerson…you did change your direction.  You use to have some serious emotion; now you’re punching a clock.  It’s no wonder this was Tonic’s last album before a break up.

The shame of it is, I like these guys.  I adore the first two albums, and I followed Jeff Russo through to his career in TV soundtracks.  The last minute guitar burning on “Let Me Go” is far too little, too late to save this album.

2/5 stars

 

 

#1119: The Olde Toys R Us Store Sure Has Changed…

RECORD STORE TALES #1119: The Olde Toys R Us Store Sure Has Changed…

Where Toys R Us stands today in Kitchener Ontario, there once was a drive-in movie theater.  That was torn down in the early 1980s, and the mighty Toys R Us was raised.  There it has loomed heavy over Fairview Mall across the street, for four decades, beckoning children with aisles and aisles of Star Wars toys, then replaced by GI Joe figures and Transformers.  It was impossible to enter Toys R Us without finding something you wanted.  It has ebbed and waned since then, now stuffed with unwanted and overpriced 6″ figures and Super 7 cards.

“At least we still have a Toys R Us,” we say.  “Mastermind Toys is closing, and Walmart sucks.  Now let’s go check out the vinyl at the Toys R Us store.”

Full stop.  What?  Vinyl at Toys R Us?

In another attempt to stay relevant as Hasbro drives their prices up and quality down, creating shelfwarming superheroes and Sith lords, Toys R Us is now stocking vinyl at their Kitchener location.

Last time I visited there, about a month ago, they were in the process of re-organizing.  Where the Lego and Hasbro products were, was becoming a book section.  Interesting!  Book stores haven’t done well in the area, with the short-lived Booksmarts closing a decade ago, across Wilson Ave from TRU.  Still, we must applaud any attempts to get kids reading books.  I didn’t have a look at the book section myself; nothing caught my eye.  What did catch my view was the familiar shape of white bins containing shrink-wrapped packages, 12″ by 12″.  Each one was different, boasting vibrant artwork.

They were not calendars.  They were records.  Vinyl had come to Toys R Us.

The first one I noticed was Prequelle by Ghost.  $25.  Not bad.  I picked it up in my eager hands.

I considered buying Ghost on vinyl at that price.  Oh, sure, I already own a CD copy with a lenticular cover and bonus tracks, but…vinyl, right?

I put it back.  Ghost are more of a car band for me.  I wouldn’t play the vinyl more than twice.  Decent price though.

Thinking of the bands aching to be collected on vinyl back at home, I looked for Kiss and Iron Maiden.  No Kiss; lots of The Killers though.  The albums were loosely organized.  Toys R Us doesn’t have a dedicated person for this section to keep things organized, and…ouch!!  What’s that?  A record was clumsily wedged between two rows, pulling the cover in two directions and creating an ugly crease.  I put the records back in rows, but this is why you need a dedicated person when you put a record store inside a toy store.

There were some interesting finds there.  Purple Rain on vinyl would be cool to have.  I chuckled when I saw a Linkin Park Meteora 2.0 box set.  Jen used to love Linkin Park.  I bought her the Linkin Park/Jay-Z album for Christmas when we were dating.

Over to Iron Maiden.  They had a decent selection – better than a lot of the local chain stores.  Several albums I needed on vinyl, and even the three-LP En Vivo set.  A-ha!  Number of the Beast.  I just got ripped off at The Beat Goes On with an overpriced copy a few weeks prior.  How does Toys R Us pricing compare?

Cheaper!  Four bucks cheaper!  Toys R Us had The Number of the Beast four bucks cheaper than the $40 copy I bought at The Beat Goes On across the street.  How can Toys R Us be beating The Beat Goes On, a dedicated music store, in prices?  According to friend Kevin, the record sections are actually little HMVs.  They also have one in St. Catharines.

“They really need to work on their merchandising,” said Chris Preston, who had copious notes on how to improve this situation.  “No genres whatsoever,” he added.  Chris also felt it was a big miss to not sell turntables or accessories with the records.

There was no signage, and the records were as much in order as you’d find at the local mall stores.  There were no letter groups – A, B, C, etc.  Many additional records were not displayed at all, and just shoved into a lower shelf.  That’s where I found Purple Rain.  They did have coloured vinyl and limited editions.  It wasn’t a bad little corporate record section, if it was properly cared for.

I questioned the wisdom of placing a record section in a store primarily occupied by running and screaming pairs of hands, right around record shelf height.  I dealt with this at a CD store, remember.  I think they’re gambling on the nerd factor.  Those people who are coming in for the newest Lego releases or collectible figures.  They’re hoping those people will also stop and buy a record.

“Nerds like records too now, right?”  You can imagine an executive asking that question in a boardroom, somewhere in a downtown metropolis where decisions such as these are made.

Considering three, briefly, I ended up not buying any.  I considered but dismissed Prequelle, and also Somewhere In Time and Powerslave by Iron Maiden.  The prices were a little high for Maiden albums that I remember being stocked at $10 or less at the downtown Sam the Record Man in 1989.  Incidentally, Toys R Us had Powerslave cheaper than Amazon at the exact same time, also by about four bucks.

What does it mean when Toys R Us stores are stocking vinyl in a makeshift music section, but no other formats like CD or cassette?

I think this means we have hit peak vinyl.  HMV is dumping their stock in these micro-locations, because they have too much.  I’ve seen it before.  We did similar things when we had too many CDs in our warehouse.  The Boss Man tried moving them in bulk to a micro-location.  That was one of many schemes that I remember.

I do look forward to buying at least one record at Toys R Us in the future.  I’ll keep the price tag on forever, just to prove it happened.

My overpriced Beast vinyl from The Beat Goes On.  I wonder how the old Boss Man feels about another chain inching in on his territory, with cheaper prices?

A Meaty Surprise! Happy Easter with Jex and Uncle Meat – Top 5 Albums from Our Birth Years

This episode is dedicated to Harrison Kopp.

The Jexter Bunny brought an early Easter surprise this year.  Unbeknownst to me, Jex Russell and Uncle Meat had conspired to surprise me with Meat’s first live appearance on Grab A Stack of Rock since 2022!  The topic:  Top Five Albums from our birth years!  The presence of Uncle Meat enabled us to do albums from three consecutive decades.

  • Uncle Meat drew 1969
  • I had lucky 1972
  • Jex had a rocking 1985

Additionally, Metal Roger sent in a thrashing guest list  covering 1988, while Harrison Kopp submitted a Blaze-heavy list spanning 1998-2000.  Because he’s our unicorn.

We looked at a variety of vinyl releases, CDs, and box sets.  I brought multiple copies of mine.  The genres ran from doomy to thrashy, Beatles to Black Sabbath, soul, progressive rock, and beyond.  We had a great discussion on a classic album cover, and went in-depth on a Deep Purple album that was just reissued this week for its 50th anniversary.  Meanwhile, I had a nice 40th anniversary edition of that album to show off.

One of my picks from 1972 enabled me to rewind to an old clip from my earliest YouTube days, featuring Uncle Meat.  The irony is I picked this clips days ago and certainly not before I knew he was showing up live on the show!  Jex really slammed it out of the ball park with this surprise.  And Jex knows I don’t really like surprises!  Thank you Jex Russell for setting up this epic and surprising reunion.  Long overdue.  The man who essentially inspired this show to exist in the first place is beloved here, and I will always love him.  Thanks for doing this Meat Man.

Finally, Jex…Jex Jex Jex!  When I took my headphones off for 30 seconds to change my shirt, you happened to take to a shot at my former chesty co-host from last year’s Good Friday show.  Well played, sir.  Well played.

Next week is a re-run of the last two Mike and Aaron Go to Toronto trips, with brand new content with Mike and Aaron in the present day.  Hope you enjoy this week and next week’s shows!

Good Friday Grab A Stack of Rock Special: Top 5 Albums from Our Birth Years with Jex and Mike – Special Time!

GRAB A STACK OF ROCK With Mike and the Mad Metal Man

Episode 56: Top 5 Albums from Our Birth Years with Jex and Mike – Special Time!

An Easter tradition!  Jex Russell and I will be going live this Good Friday afternoon, in the Second Annual Good Friday Afternoon Show!  Jex came up with this subject for us to tackle and I don’t mind telling you it’s not an easy one.

What are our Top Five albums from our birth years?

We will be looking at 1972 and 1985 for great records.  There are plenty to choose from.  Many landmark albums will have to be eliminated.  So what will be on our list?

This is our first afternoon show of the year, a favourite timeslot of mine on a Friday.  They were plenty fun last year.

Don’t be a Machine Head!  You don’t have to be an Exile in a Theater of Pain! Check out this episode this Good Friday afternoon and join us for some musical shenanigans!  We always enjoy interacting live with the comments section!

 

 

Friday March 29 at 3:00 P.M. E.S.T. / 4:00 P.M. Atlantic.   Enjoy on YouTube or on Facebook!

#1118: I Wonder…

RECORD STORE TALES #1118: I Wonder…

I recently enjoyed a trip to Burlington Ontario, a place I have not been since the early 2000s working at the Record Store.

Driving down Highway 6, I wondered, is that place with the funky dinosaurs on the front lawn still in business?  I remember they had a T-Rex with a missing head.  And yes!  That business, Flamborough Patio Furniture, is still there and still has the T-Rex.  They even fixed the decapitation damage.  I was impressed.

A lot of other businesses didn’t make it.  There was Grasshopper Imports, a weed accessory shop with a tie-dye pattern on its walls.  It almost survived the last 20 years, but is now closed and for sale.

I wonder what else changed since my last trip to Burlington, in the world of the Record Store?

Do they still force their employees to drive down Highway 6 to manage two stores in the winter time, with cars that are barely snow-worthy, like they did to me?  I remember asking them, “When you do plan on hiring a full time manager for that store?  I’m concerned about the drive in the winter.”  Without sympathy, I was told “other people have to do that drive too.”  Yeah, maybe, but I had my own store to manage in Kitchener.  Driving to Oakville every day at Christmas time wasn’t what I was hired to do.

Do they pay mileage, or make employees wait months, like I did?

Do people still come in daily with hundreds of CDs to sell?  Or has vinyl taken over once again?

Do they still have a TV in that Burlington store to show movies?  Does that guy who was roommates with Scott Anderson from Finger 11 still work there?  I’m guessing no, to both.

I’m just glad the dinosaurs still live.  It’s comforting to know that T-Rex has his head back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

#1117: I Admit It: I Miss My Cassettes

RECORD STORE TALES #1117: I Admit It: I Miss My Cassettes

Hey, it’s me, the guy who has talked about how much he hates cassettes, again and again ad nauseum.  I don’t know why, but I’m feeling a lot of nostalgia for tapes these days.  While CD remains my go-to format, with vinyl in second, I am now on the lookout for old 80s metal cassettes that still play well.  What the hell happened to me?

It’s true that I have a lot of bad memories about cassettes, to go with the good.  I have my own system and language when it comes to my collection, but I abandoned cassette back in 1995 because the sound quality wasn’t there and got noticeably worse the more you played the tape.  I considered cassette to be a “soft copy”, with the longer-lasting CD and vinyl being “hard copies”.  You simply have more control in keeping those two formats in good shape.  Cassettes are another story.  It’s just magnetic particles stuck to a ribbon, and every time you play it, those particles wear off bit by bit.  In effect, you wreck your favourite tapes fastest because you simply love listening to them!  There were other complications.  Different decks played at different speeds, with my “ghetto blaster” playing the slowest and most warbly.  I had two Sanyos and then a Sony, and the Sanyos were by far the worst.  Only my Sony Walkman was able to play almost every tape in my collection at something close to the right speed.  Once I learned to drive, I found that the car deck could play pretty much anything, but it did eat a few tapes too.  It was like every time you wanted to listen to music, you had to pick the right equipment and cross your fingers.  I remember wrecking a copy of Black Sabbath Tyr by accidentally pushing two buttons at once on my Sanyo.  This created a loud squeal right during the start of “Anno Mundi” that was impossible to ignore.  Playing tapes was like walking a minefield sometimes!  I always prayed that nothing would go wrong.

CD solved most of the problems I had with cassettes.  Heck, even the artwork was back to being a square!  Cassette cover art was either cropped or “pan-and-scanned” (to coin a phrase) to make a square fit into a rectangle.  Everything about CD was better.  Bonus tracks, better sound, longer life, larger (and square!) artwork…even the ability to skip through songs in an instant.  What wasn’t there to prefer?  And why the hell do I miss cassettes right now?

It’s all nostalgia.  There was something about buying a new album on cassette, and being basically forced to listen to the whole thing.  There was a certain appreciation for the album, with an actual side break, that connected us to the vinyl age in a way that CD did not.  Or, maybe it was just the glory time of our youths that made it feel that way.  The act of closing the door, pressing “play” on a new tape, and laying on your bed to listen with intent.  How often is music just background noise in our modern lives now?  How frequently do we sit and spend time just listening to the music while staring at the packaging today?  Are we listening, or are we multitasking?  I’m multitasking right now, listening to Trilogy by Yngwie J. Malmsteen on my speakers.

I picked that recording for a reason.  I got on cassette from my grandma in 1987.  It was on Capitol Records and it played for shit out of the box.  Many Capitol tapes did around 1986-87.  my W.A.S.P. and Iron Maiden all had similar problems, which them priorities to upgrade on CD when the time came.  I know not everybody likes Yngwie.  Some find him grating.  He does take some adjustment, but imagine listening to your first Yngwie on a slow, warbly cassette.

I do miss some things though.

I miss opening up a new tape and seeing what colour or design the shell was.  Usually they were black, but as the 90s progressed they were frequently clear.  Some were white, and my Helix was glow-in-the dark!  With CD there was the occasional thrill when we got a picture disc, but soon that became the standard.  The clunky cassette, with its little wheels and windows, was physically just cooler than a CD and you didn’t have to be as careful.

The lyric sheets were easier to read.  All you had to do was unfold the J-card and lay it out.  CDs often had pages stapled into a little booklet that you had to hold open.  Cassettes may have had smaller print, but the paradox was that the format made it physically easier to read!

Cassettes were perfect for the pocket.  You could easily slide a couple (maybe even three) into a jacket pocket.  CDs never fit right and if you got one in your pocket, it was a tight fit.  And jewel cases were easy to crack and break.

That’s another thing!  Cassette cases had their weaknesses too.  They could crack like a CD case, and the little arms could snap off.  However this is far more common on the CD case, which also have those annoyingly fragile teeth that hold the disc in place.  Cassette cases were just slightly more sturdy than their CD counterparts.

Finally, cassette spines were wider and easier to read.  Period!

I do miss cassettes.  I have better equipment today, and though not an audiophile setup, I get by.  There are some releases I’d like to have on cassette again, or for the first time.  I guess I’m a changed man.  I’m not the format snob I used to be.  However, if they start jacking up the prices of cassettes the way vinyl is today, we’ll have to talk again.

 

REVIEW: Joe Satriani – Surfing With the Alien (1987, 1999 remaster, 2017 RSD 2 LP reissue)

JOE SATRIANI  – Surfing With the Alien (1987, 1999 Sony remaster, 2017 RSD Epic 2 LP reissue)

On October 15 1987, the face of rock music was  shaken when a little instrumental album called Surfing With the Alien started making waves.  The record eventually went platinum, and its songs found itself used on radio and TV for decades to come.  Why?  Possibly because of Joe’s impeccable attention to songwriting.  Though his guitar playing put him on the map, it was his knack for writing catchy rock songs that made this album so special.  Satriani’s songs are written as if the lead guitar is the lead singer.  There are verses and choruses, and attention to structure and melody.  That must be why Surfing With the Alien was nominated for two Grammys in 1988.

Opening with the title track, a striking little chugging riff starts the show.  But then Joe’s melodic lead guitar kicks in, and you realize it’s exactly like if a singer was leading the show!  You can literally sing along to Joe’s guitar and a little wah-wah effect doesn’t hurt.  And then the shred begins, and you feel like, “OK, I get it now.  This guy is an actual genius.”

Yet it’s all accessible.  He may throw in licks as fast as greased lightning, but you can still follow.  Your brain still picks out notes and melodies that satisfy those musical needs.

The cool “Ice 9” is a funky groove (Joe on bass) with a slick melody on top.  Joe can work with mid-tempo grooves just as well as high-speed blazes.  Solos with different sounds and guitar tones add diversity.  A fun tune, but the third song “Crushing Day” has more tension and urgency as the tempo is turned up once again.  The variety of solos, melodies and riffs in one short song is quite remarkable.  Joe’s guitar tone is bright and shimmery, like the Silver Surfer himself.

Incidentally, regarding the striking album cover featuring the titular Marvel character from Silver Surfer #1 (1982), Joe lost the licensing for him at some point in the 2000’s.  This is why the 2017 RSD reissue has different artwork, without him.  (Look carefully at the new art, and you will see that they replaced the yellow streaks with yellow guitar picks!)  Hopefully Joe doesn’t feel too badly about losing the Surfer art.  Marvel comics repaid him for the popularisation of the character outside the comic world by naming a planet after him.

The beautiful ballad “Always With Me, Always With You” might be considered the most famous song.  It received three Grammy nominations in three separate years (live versions, you see) and was prominently featured in an American Dad episode.  It is hard to describe exactly what makes it so special, without you listening for yourself.  The guitar is lyrical and memorable, and it worked so much better than it would have with a lead vocal.  This is an instrumental ballad, made magical.

“Satch Boogie” is arguably just as popular.  Deep Purple played it during the brief period when Joe Satriani was in the band post-Blackmore and pre-Morse.  It has been used on TV, radio and video games.  It is indeed a boogie!  It taps into the Van Halen vibe a-la “Hot For Teacher”, but burns straight through without stopping to talk.  Mid-song, there’s a jaw-dropping solo that is pure tapping nirvana.

An ominous and brief interlude (“Hill of the Skull”) paints an apocalyptic picture.  The programmed drums don’t detract, as it is all about the tale that the guitar is telling, with layered wails.  This serves to set up “Circles”, one of the most interesting tracks.  Echo is employed to great effect on this mellow but dark ballad.  Without pause, the striking chimes of “Lords of Karma” enter the picture, a pounding guitar rocker with drums by Jeff Campitelli.  (Drums on this album are a mix of live and programmed.)  Much like “Crushing Day”, “Lords of Karma” is a bit faster and more intense.

A lovely classical sounding interlude called “Midnight” sets up the final track.  “Midnight” features techniques that an expert will have to identify, except to say it sounds remarkable and innovative.  The spotlight is never really on Joe’s fingers though – just on the notes and sounds he magically produces with them (and an array of effects).  Then the thud of bass opens “Echo”, the last song on this important album.  It’s unlike the previous ones, with the bass so prominent.  The song sounds as if it’s always just bubbling under.  Perhaps it would come as a surprise that the final song on this album of guitar showcases is so much about feel and restraint.

That’s one thing about Surfing that does make it special.  Like any good album, it is sequenced as a full listen, not as a collection of shreds.  Even without the shreds, it’s still not bad.

That’s what the 2017 Record Store Day deluxe vinyl edition is all about.  A bonus LP is included, with all the lead guitar stripped off.  This allows you, the ambitious home player, to try to solo over the bed tracks.  For the rest of us, it just allows us to listen a little bit differently to an album that is very familiar.

The drums seem more prominent on the title track, allowing us to better hear Jeff Campitelli’s fills.  Mostly though, you can still bang your head, and maybe sing along to an imaginary vocal melody.  “Ice 9” is particularly fun in this guise, sounding a bit like an “80s dance remix” even though it’s not.  “Always With Me, Always With You” is still delicate and beautiful.  You get the picture.  These tracks, though needing the lead guitar to be whole, are perfectly listenable without.  Only “Circles” and “Midnight” seem completely barren.  You don’t have to be a guitar player to enjoy this bonus record.  You just have to be interested in music, and how it is constructed in the mix.  You can hear melodies and accents, even on “Always With Me”, that you might have missed on the album version all these years!

There are many ways to acquire copies of this impactful album, that opened the charts to Steve Vai and others a few years later.  There is a 1999 Sony remaster with liner notes and nice packaging.  There is a deluxe edition with a live DVD from the 1988 Montreux Jazz Festival.  The version with the most actual audio tracks, however, is the limited 2017 Record Store Day reissue.  You don’t get the lovely Silver Surfer artwork, but you do get the bonus record of stripped tracks, and red & yellow coloured vinyl.

No matter what choice you make, Surfing With the Alien in any form is an essential addition to a serious rock fan’s collection.  Some may argue it’s the best rock instrumental guitar album ever made.

5/5 stars

 

What’s Good? With D’Arcy Briggs – Music, Unboxing and More

I was so pleased to be able to collaborate with YouTuber D’Arcy Briggs. He has a great channel all about physical media and music, and my favourite new feature of his is called “What’s Good”.  It’s just him and a guest literally talking about whatever’s fresh and good that they want to share.  This is only the second episode of “What’s Good”, following the debut with Jex Russell!

For me, I had three unboxings and a Gene Simmons set to show.  The unboxings are brand new and exclusive to this show!   This is the first reveal of these treasures to come into my collection.

D’Arcy had some cool stuff included new music by Jack Antonoff, jazz rock fusion, the complete English Beat, some vinyl, and a parcel from Ontario!  We took four turns each but you’ll have to watch the show to see what we brought.

One of the items I was proud to show was my autographed copy of Angie Moon’s first book, Crime of the Century.  You can find out more and buy your copy by clicking this link. crazyonclassicrock.com/buy-crime-of-the-century

Crime of the Century is an original book idea about the connections between classic rock and roll and true crimes!  Some are less known than others.  The Band and Jack Ruby?  The Kink and John Wayne Gacy?  DEVO and John Hinkley Jr.?  I didn’t know any of this before.  I can’t wait to dig in and talk to Angie on Grab A Stack of Rock.  She came from right here in the WordPress community and it’s awesome to see her out with her first book!

Check out the episode below, and subscribe to D’Arcy’s channel if you already haven’t!

 

#1116: Oh, the Boss is Coming!

RECORD STORE TALES #1116: Oh, the Boss is Coming!

Oh, the boss is coming!You better look busy,They’re not paying you for nothing!

— ARKELLS

If there’s time to lean,
There’s time to clean.

— THE BOSS AT THE RECORD STORE “The Beat Goes On”

They used to call it “fucking the dog”.  I don’t know what vernacular the youth of today use, but that’s what we used to call slacking off on the job:  dog fucking.

I have known some expert dog fuckers in my day.  I know one guy who had taken it to a fine art.  I won’t tell you any details about this fine young man, except to say he was a maestro of dog fucking.   He was the Bach, the Beethoven, of slacking off on the job.  Let’s call him Smart Guy.  He truly was a smart guy, which is one reason he was able to get so much paid free time at work.  He was no dummy.  But man, he had a system!

Smart Guy had a different boss from me.  Everyone liked him.  He was pretty grounded for a guy who was destined for big things.  He worked in a small room, with a friend of mine.  Because of this, I heard things and that’s why I can tell this story.

I learned from Smart Guy that Honda Civics were very popular with his age group because they were easy to customize.  I had no interest in this, but I took interest for the sake of conversation.  I’d stroll into their room, and Smart Guy would be on eBay looking for Civic parts.  Maybe a fender, maybe hubcabs, maybe a spoiler, I don’t know.  He was always shopping for car parts.

He was also very tech-savvy.  For example he figured out how to send coded messages to my printer, in an effort to freak me out.  He was also very playful.  He printed out numerous pictures of clowns and hid them all over his room.  Sort of a calling card for after he left.  I had to find all those clowns when he eventually did move on to bigger things!

So how did he get away with it?  By being a fast, efficient worker, and always having one project complete at all times — just not handed in.

So, if his boss walked in and he was fucking the dog, he’d just hand him a completed piece of work.  “I’m all done this project, here you go!”

“Oh, thanks Smart Guy!  Great.  OK, I’ll leave you to your work.”

That was it.  Pretty smart guy, eh?