Juan Pablo Galavis

REVIEW: The Bachelor (Season 18)

JUAN PABLO

THE BACHELOR – Season 18 (2014)

2014 has already been a stellar year for  quality television programming.  In addition to a healthy roster of returning classics such as The Amazing Race, Survivor, and Big Brother Canada, we were treated to the greatest season of the most dramatic of them all:  The Bachelor.  Through your TV screens, you traveled the world, watching many beautiful women from many beautiful talent agencies throwing themselves at the most voluminous douchebag in recent memory:  Juan Pablo Galavis.  

Aye-yai-yai.

Not every Bachelor has the distinction of getting dumped, twice.  Juan Pablo earned that record, with great effort.

The season starts promisingly.  At first, Juan Pablo takes a special liking to a the talented Opera singer Sharleen, who earns the “first impression rose”.   Giving a pretty girl a rose should set a Bachelor up for smooth sailing.

Sharleen is very reluctant to accept his advances; she carries nothing more than a physical attraction to the Venezuelan soccer player.  Of the quality of her relationship with Juan Pablo, she said, “If only I was a little dumber.”

Batting 1000 so far, Juan Pablo!

There is also a dark horse named Andi who Juan Pablo sees potential with.  Near the end of the series, the contestants are given a camera-free evening in a luxury hotel to get to know each other a little better.  Juan Pablo proves he is nothing more than a narcissist by making everything about him.  Fed up, she dumps him in the morning.  Juan Pablo’s response to her feelings:  “Is OK.  Is fine,” the very words that drove her insane prior to this.  Juan Pablo seems to have three words in his vocabulary:  “Is,” “OK,” and “fine.”  When appropriate he plays the language card to escape the wrath of Andi.  Sucks getting dumped on national television I guess?  Aye-yai-yai!

Juan Pablo describes himself as an “honest” family man who loves his daughter, but he plays these two things like cards too.  If things don’t go exactly as Juan Pablo expects things to go, he throws his Daddy status in their faces.  But is OK.  Even Juan Pablo’s mother called him “sometimes very rude.”

On the final date (in a helicopter) with the runner-up, Juan Pablo said the words that every girl dreams of hearing:  “I don’t know you, but I love fucking you.” After that comment of the century, he uses his comforting Venezuelan accent to assure her that “Is OK.”

One girl left.  Bachelor protocol ensures an engagement ring with a diamond the size of a watermelon and a lot of sweet, sweet words.  Nikki is the waiting girl.  Juan Pablo holds her hands, and shares the most whimsical words of the season:  “I like you a lot too.”

I hate to burst your bubble JP, but you’re a douche.  (Is OK.  Is fine.)

6/5 Aye-yai-yai’s