douche

REVIEW: The Bachelor (Season 18)

JUAN PABLO

THE BACHELOR – Season 18 (2014)

2014 has already been a stellar year for  quality television programming.  In addition to a healthy roster of returning classics such as The Amazing Race, Survivor, and Big Brother Canada, we were treated to the greatest season of the most dramatic of them all:  The Bachelor.  Through your TV screens, you traveled the world, watching many beautiful women from many beautiful talent agencies throwing themselves at the most voluminous douchebag in recent memory:  Juan Pablo Galavis.  

Aye-yai-yai.

Not every Bachelor has the distinction of getting dumped, twice.  Juan Pablo earned that record, with great effort.

The season starts promisingly.  At first, Juan Pablo takes a special liking to a the talented Opera singer Sharleen, who earns the “first impression rose”.   Giving a pretty girl a rose should set a Bachelor up for smooth sailing.

Sharleen is very reluctant to accept his advances; she carries nothing more than a physical attraction to the Venezuelan soccer player.  Of the quality of her relationship with Juan Pablo, she said, “If only I was a little dumber.”

Batting 1000 so far, Juan Pablo!

There is also a dark horse named Andi who Juan Pablo sees potential with.  Near the end of the series, the contestants are given a camera-free evening in a luxury hotel to get to know each other a little better.  Juan Pablo proves he is nothing more than a narcissist by making everything about him.  Fed up, she dumps him in the morning.  Juan Pablo’s response to her feelings:  “Is OK.  Is fine,” the very words that drove her insane prior to this.  Juan Pablo seems to have three words in his vocabulary:  “Is,” “OK,” and “fine.”  When appropriate he plays the language card to escape the wrath of Andi.  Sucks getting dumped on national television I guess?  Aye-yai-yai!

Juan Pablo describes himself as an “honest” family man who loves his daughter, but he plays these two things like cards too.  If things don’t go exactly as Juan Pablo expects things to go, he throws his Daddy status in their faces.  But is OK.  Even Juan Pablo’s mother called him “sometimes very rude.”

On the final date (in a helicopter) with the runner-up, Juan Pablo said the words that every girl dreams of hearing:  “I don’t know you, but I love fucking you.” After that comment of the century, he uses his comforting Venezuelan accent to assure her that “Is OK.”

One girl left.  Bachelor protocol ensures an engagement ring with a diamond the size of a watermelon and a lot of sweet, sweet words.  Nikki is the waiting girl.  Juan Pablo holds her hands, and shares the most whimsical words of the season:  “I like you a lot too.”

I hate to burst your bubble JP, but you’re a douche.  (Is OK.  Is fine.)

6/5 Aye-yai-yai’s

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Part 277.5: Klassik Kwote – The Dandy Douche Strikes Back

RECORD STORE TALES Part 277.5:
Klassik Kwote – The Dandy Douche Strikes Back

SIXTY SIXI’m a pretty big Led Zeppelin fan, having bought all their albums more than once (and at least once more) over the years.  When this Robert Plant CD came out in November 2003, it was high on my radar.  I didn’t own any Plant solo albums (beyond The Honeydrippers), but wanted something of his in my collection.  This compilation of hits and rarities was perfect for my needs.

I was listening to it in the store one afternoon when Dandy sauntered in.  Always eager to criticize my musical selections on any given day, he had this to say about Robert Plant’s Sixty Six to Timbuktu:

“I was talking to my dad about why Led Zeppelin sucked,” he said.  “Now I know.  It’s not Led Zeppelin that sucked, it was just Robert Plant all along.”

Thoughts?  Weigh in below with a comment!

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Part 213: A Dandy Douche In Need is a Dandy Douche Indeed

RECORD STORE TALES Part 213:
A Dandy Douche In Need is a Dandy Douche Indeed

While digging through old papers, hard drives, and photos for this blog, I ran across some interesting journal entries.  I had forgotten this myself, but the handful of entries flooded back the memories.  They are regarding Dandy, a person about whom I have very little positive to say.  He brought me never-ending grief.

I remember that there was a fire downtown, and he lived near (or below?) the unit that ignited.  He lost everything in the fire due to water damage.  He couldn’t even go in to get his clothes, it was taped off.  For whatever reason (and I really cannot remember my thoughts to this day), I — me!? — organized a relief fund for him.

I remember Jonathan asking me why I wanted to help him.  I wish I knew what I told Jon.  My motivations are lost to me now.   I think part of the reason I did this was ignorance.  I didn’t know about half the shit he pulled, until after he quit his job at the record store.  If I had known then what I know now, would I have organized a relief fund?

I’ll let the unedited journals speak for themselves.  Only the names have been changed.

Date: 2004/05/18 19:43

I’m putting a collection together to help [Dandy] out after his fire. He had to buy clothes just to come to work today. So far I’ve collected $50, and by Thursday I hope to buy him some sweet gift certificates to replace his clothes and anything else essential he may need. I expect I’ll be able to get about $200 or so by Thursday afternoon. At least I certainly hope so.

You know, I’m not heartless. I can’t forgive [Dandy] for what he did…but that was nothing compared to this tragedy. I think anybody who couldn’t understand my doing this is really, really heartless. I don’t know how someone could feel that way about another person.

Date: 2004/05/19 10:31

Just sold one of my Zeppelin CDs [I had another version of it] and threw the proceeds into the [Dandy] fund.

Date: 2004/05/19 14:02

OK, Julie just stepped up to bat and gave $25 to [Dandy] via PayPal.

Date: 2004/05/20 21:36

Relief fund is now done, and I beat my goal.  I collected $220 for him.  Unfortunately, [someone] accidentally sent HIM an email that should have been sent to me, so he knows about it, there will be no surprise.

It’s actually kind of uncomfortable to read my younger self’s words with the years between us now.  It is what it is: LeBrain in the raw!

GOODY

REVIEW: Geoff Tate – GT EPK (2012)

What can you say about a guy who’s already had two lineup changes before his new “Queensryche” has even played a single gig?  As usual, I’ll let Geoff say it all…

GEOFF TATE – GT EPK (2012)

EPK:  “Electronic Press Kit”, something an artist releases to the media to promote themselves. See above.

Although this has been out for months, it was only recently that Uncle Meat brought it to my attention.    While he was over recording our most recent video, he said to me, “LeBrain, you have to see the Tate video.  This thing is ridiculous.”

So I watched.  And I laughed.

Cheesey?  Check.

“Oh yeah.  I love my job.”

Pretentious?  Check.

“I guess I’m an experience junkie.”

Trying to look cool?  Check.

“I usually take a couple of motorcycles on tour with me…ride between cities.”

Stuff nobody cares about?  Check.

“Oh there’s my beautiful wife, Susan.”

Nothing in here about spitting at drummers, getting in fights, or carrying bladed weapons though!  Do you want to see something really funny?  Skip ahead in the video to 2:38.

“Oh, wait, watch this.”

And then he does this lame “jump”.  I mean, if he was David Lee Roth and did that cool spiral kick thing, that would something worth waiting and watching for.  Not…whatever that was at 2:38.

Don’t take it from me though!  Here’s some quotes from my esteemed Sausagefest colleagues.

Grant:  “Got about three minutes in before vomiting all over my keyboard. The ‘Two Girls One Cup’ of personal biographies.”

Scottie:  “WTF was that…”

Iron Tom Sharpe:  “Imagine what that cock seepage would be like if he was still good (and relevant) and they hadn’t sucked for the last 15 years…Nothing is sadder than seeing your heroes as they really are…”

Dave:  “He was always a cheeseball. The guys around him simply obscured that.”

Meat:  “Music’s latest train wreck.  So awful you just can’t look away.”

That’s all.  That’s all I can stomach.

0/5 stars

TATERYCHE

Part 167: VIDEO – Top Five Discs that Got Us in Shit at the Record Store

RECORD STORE TALES Part 167:

Top Five Discs that Got Us in Shit at the Record Store

featuring Uncle Meat

Part 159: The Return of Dandydouche – Dandy Deuce!

One of the most popular stories of 2012 was the tale of  “Aerodouche Dandy”.  So, in light of that, how about a sequel?

RECORD STORE TALES Part 159:  Dandydouche 2 – Dandy Deuce!

We had several CD players in our store that allowed our customers to listen to anything they wanted, before buying.  It was a pretty cool innovation by the chain owner.  Other stores had “listening posts” where you could listen to one of a select few new releases, but at the time nobody else would let you listen to anything you wanted in the store.  As cool and helpeful as that sounds, it was also an invitation for abuse.

Many times, I’d put up to 50 discs on for somebody who purchased nothing, but we couldn’t cut them off.  We couldn’t say no.  You could spend over an hour serving a customer, retrieving discs and filing them when they were done, all for naught.

Record store guys have a sixth sense though.  We’d pick up the signals.  For example, when Kid Rock had a huge hit with “Picture” (a duet with Sheryl Crow), a lot of older people used to come in and listen to it, to see if they would like the rest of the Kid Rock CD.  Predictably they didn’t, and it wasn’t out on Sheryl’s album yet.  I knew they weren’t going to buy the Kid Rock CD, and most didn’t.  That’s one example.

One thing Douchebag Dandy would do is purposely put the wrong CD in the player.  I know of one instance where he substituted a lady’s chosen disc with Iron Bitchface.  Iron Bitchface was a local “outsider music” project that Dandy hung out with.  He had been known to jump onstage with them, and was always seen in public as a lookalike pairing with their singer, K-Rot.

Iron Bitchface was, by their own admission, people who could not play music.  They created a lot of noise and recorded it, and split it up into tracks.  I grabbed a T-shirt because I liked their logo, but it was completely unlistenable.  In fact our store-play copy had a massive skip in it that nobody even noticed.  That’s how bad it was.

Anyway, this time Dandy was working, a lady was in listening to every Harry Connick Jr. album we had, and not buying anything.  After a dozen or so listens, Dandy swapped out her last CD for Iron Bitchface.  She immediately took off her headphones.  “I think the CD player is broken,” I’m told she said.

Dandy sauntered over to check.  “Nope.  It’s working fine.”

“Really?  Whatever I’m hearing isn’t music!”

Dandy opened up the player.  “Nope.  This is the disc you picked out.”

“Well you can take it off, that’s nothing but garbage!  Who could listen to that?” she said.

Dandy found this tremendously funny, and laughed and boasted about it after.  Even though she wasn’t buying anything, that’s still just a douchebag move!  Apropos for a Douchebag Dandy!

2012’s rockin’ stats, for your amusement!

In 2012, I posted 493 articles.  I did 157 chapters in a continuing series of Record Store Tales which has been extremely satisfying.  The rest have been a series of reviews, and rants!  Very popular was my series of Kiss reviews (53 of them!), when I covered every Kiss album in sequence. Currently, I’m finishing up my series of Iron Maiden reviews (42 so far in a series of 45), covering every album and rarity that I have access to. It’s been a blast!

Some personal statistical highlights:

1. Doing an interview with Brian Vollmer, of Helix (my 4th interview so far), which was a huge blast for me as a fan and writer.

2. The many Guest Shots (10 so far!) from contributors such as Tommy Morais, Statham, T-Rev, Mrs. LeBrain and Uncle Meat.  It’s been a pleasure to read and publish your work, gentlepersons.  Keep sending me stuff!

3. Record Store Excursion 2012, and the resulting video.  I love making videos, and this was a blast. At last check, it’s had almost 200 hits (194 to be exact) including some of the people at the stores that we reported on!

Thanks to all the readers out there who’ve made 2012 so much fun here at LeBrain’s Blog.  Let’s kick 2013 into overdrive.

My top ten posts of 2012, by hits:

Editorial: Paul Stanley’s voice problems 741
REVIEW: KISS – The Box Set (Deluxe mini guitar case edition!) 273
GEOFF TATE: Solo album KINGS & THIEVES song samples available now 270
REVIEW: Black Sabbath – Master of Reality deluxe edition! 254
REVIEW: KISS – Destroyer (Resurrected) (2012) 227
REVIEW: KISS – “Hell or Hallelujah” single! (2012) 211
Ex-Queensryche’s GEOFF TATE UPDATE: Still a douche 202
REVIEW: KISS – Destroyer (and a word about that 35th anniversary Resurrected thing) 193
UPDATE: Queensryche’s Tate is a Douche 185
Part 71/ REVIEW: Pink Floyd – Shine On (9 disc box set) 185

Top five LeBrain-reading countries:

Country Views
Canada FlagCanada 13,754
United States FlagUnited States 6,242
United Kingdom FlagUnited Kingdom 2,417
Brazil FlagBrazil 739
Finland FlagFinland 629

Here’s a fun one:  Top five Google searches that led people to LeBrain’s Blog!

queensryche split 82
paul stanley voice 76
kiss revenge review 71
geoff tate is a douche 68
kiss hell or hallelujah 66

LOL…Geoff Tate is a douche!  That’s awesome!

Hope you didn’t party too hard last night.  Let’s rock 2013 like there’s no tomorrow!

GEOFF TATE – Yup…still a douche

This is news to me.    “Queen of the Reich” isn’t a popular Queensryche song?

“Actually, it’s not very popular at all. It’s funny actually a lot of people don’t know about that song. A lot of people don’t care about that song. It’s an early song that was written and it shows. It’s funny the reaction you get because it’s a lot of blank stares. In fact it’s the same stare you get when you play a new song that nobody’s heard before. People just aren’t that familiar with it. Given there are a few hardcore fans that might know that song or like that song and know what it is but the majority of the people there don’t. So it’s not really a song that I enjoy singing strictly because lyrically its pretty adolescent.”

I wish Geoff would just shut up.

This crowd didn’t seem to mind the song (that Geoff didn’t write):

More Queensryche:

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part I

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part II

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part III

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part IV

Part 102.5: Coda – “Dumped In Barrie”

After getting Dumped in Barrie, I came back home and began the process of “getting over it”.  I was now sick with a cold, too.  My immune system had gone to shit, working those crazy hours.

I ran into Dandy at one of the stores, while doing a stock transfer.

“Hey,” he said.  “I think I saw that chick JJJulie at the mall with some fat guy.”

“Really?” I said.  “Are you sure?  She’s not from here.  She lives in Etobicoke.”

“Yeah,” he replied.  “She had pink in her hair right?  But, like, faded?”

“Yeah,” I growled.  She just dumped me the weekend before, and I knew who the fat guy was, too.  “This fat guy.  Did he have a shaved head?”

“Yeah dude,” nodded Dandy.

So we just broke up, and she was already seeing this other dude!  I confronted her about it, and she eventually admitted to coming to town to “see” him.  This is five days after dumping me.  Five days!  Well, she wasn’t just “seeing him”.  I later found out that they “did the deed” that day, before his shift at the local McDonalds.

When he found out that I knew about this, he came into my store to make amends, because he genuinely wanted to make up and be friends.  He delivered me a tray of two McDonalds triple thick McShakes as a peace offering.

True story!

UPDATE: Two Queensryches? F***!

(Below: Sarzo)


http://www.bravewords.com/news/189489

http://www.bravewords.com/news/189504

The “real”Queenryche:
Eddie Jackson (bass), Scott Rockenfield (drums), Michael Wilton and Parker Lundgren (guitars), Todd La Torre (new singer)

Geoff Tate’s new “second” Queensryche:  Rudy Sarzo (bass, ex-Dio, ex-Quiet Riot, ex-Ozzy, ex-Whitesnake), Bobby Blotzer (drums, Ratt), Glen Drover (guitars, ex-Megadeth), Kelly Gray (guitars, ex-Queensryche) and Randy Gane (keyboards, ex-Myth).

Getting (Canadian!) Glen Drover is a huge coup.  Sarzo’s history speaks for itself. Gray is no surprise, at least to me.  But “Da Blotz” Bobby Blotzer on drums?  Seriously, Geoff?  That’s…uhhh…an interesting choice for a new Queensryche.  What, was Frankie Banali unavailable so next on the list was Da Blotz?

My initial impressions are as follows:  Drover’s brilliant but this new patchwork Queensryche smells like the new Guns N’ Roses.  Blotzer is a choice that just boggles my mind.  I guess we’ll see how it goes, but my money’s on the old Queensryche.   Still can’t believe the fans have to deal with two Queensryches, now.  Hopefully the courts will put this to an end in 2013 and rule that the guys who booted Geoff out by  majority vote have the rights to the name….

This is just getting stupid.  Geoff, stop being a douche!

If you like Queensryche, check these out:

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part I

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part II

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part III

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part IV