Adventures of the Northern Lights: Jex Feels It Again

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS – Phase 3 – The Unicron Saga

Chapter Seven: Jex Feels It Again

Jex Rambo was on high alert.

The last few days were a flash!  One moment he was finishing up paperwork for Mr. Durling and the Durling Foundation, and the next he was on a plane with the mysterious Night Ranger on his way to Ontario.  There were some very important documents kept at Aaron’s Archive in Owen Sound.  Jex and the Ranger were assigned to protect the Archive.  Much to his shock and disbelief, their friends Mike and Harrison had recently been attacked by a Transformer.  An actual alien robot disguised as a truck.  Anything goes now, thought Jex.  What was fiction is real, and he could not rest.

And so he patrolled, outside, keeping a close eye on every vehicle, person and animal he spotted.  Shirtless, of course, Jex Rambo didn’t even break a sweat in the hot sun.  The consummate professional.

He reached to his belt and pulled out his radio.

“Rambo to Ranger, Rambo to Ranger, come in Night Ranger,” he spoke.  “Over.”

“Night Ranger here,” replied the mysterious figure.  “On the roof.”

Jex looked up and shaded his eyes from the bright mid-day sun.  A figure in black could be seen, crouching, watching.

“Got you in my sights,” confirmed Jex.  “You got this area covered mon ami.  I’m going to widen my patrol.  Will report back.  Jex out.”

While he missed the ocean, Owen Sound wasn’t so bad.  There was water, and the people were friendly.  Not to mention, he got to hang out with Aaron again.  In theory!  Aaron was currently with his family at a hockey game.  The Owen Sound Attack.  Not as great as the Moncton Wildcats, but not bad, thought Jex.  He hoped his friend was having a good time.  Meanwhile, it was his job to make sure the Archive was secure.  It was a modest house in the outskirts of town, but the Durling Foundation had spared no expense with a top-notch security system.  Not to mention, the best security that money could buy:  Jex and the Night Ranger themselves!

Jex’s radio crackled again.  “Jex Rambo here,” he spoke.

“Hey, it’s me again,” said the voice on the other end:  the Night Ranger.  “Listen, I hate to bug you, but since you’re out there…”

Jex shrugged.  The Ranger had a habit of sending him out on errands while he sat on the roof.  “Yeah…” sighed Jex.

“It’s no big deal if you can’t, but I was browsing Discogs and you won’t believe it.  There is a local seller here in town with a Japanese picture sleeve promo copy of ‘Don’t Tell Me You Love Me’ and Mr. Durling would really like to have it.  Since it’s right here in town, you understand.”

“Yeah…” sighed Jex again.  “Give me the address.  I’ll go pick it up.”

Jex was seated in the vehicle that the Durling Foundation had sent them for local travel.  As was his penchant lately, Durling was using cars designed after original Generation One Autobots.  And so, he found himself behind the wheel of a yellow Lamborghini with a huge silver exposed engine in the back.  “Sunstreaker” was what Durling had called it.  Jex was driving in the least inconspicuous vehicle in all of Ontario right now.  At least it was a sweet ride.  Stopped at a traffic light, a gaggle of girls swooned at his manly visage in the yellow supercar.  He raised his sunglasses, winked and gunned the engine.  Yeah, this wasn’t a bad ride at all.

He glanced again at the GPS.  “Ray” was the contact, and the location was only a few more lights away.  It was a popular bar called The Big Prize.  According to a Google search, their karaoke contest every Friday night always drew a crowd.

“Maybe I’ll stay and have some wings,” thought Jex.  He couldn’t remember the last time he had a good half-pound of chicken wings.  “Night Ranger always sending me out on these errands for Durling.  You never see him going out.  ‘Oh I can’t show my face.’  What an excuse.  Just a reason to make Jex do all his work!  I’m going to get hot wings.”

There it was just ahead:  The Big Prize Karaoke Bar and Grill.  Looked alright.  It was midday and so there was ample parking.  He pulled the yellow beast into a perfect spot right in front of the entrance.  Stepping out and shirtless, Jex easily drew the attention of passers-by.

“Sorry ladies, I’m here on business!” he chided as he cooly crossed the sidewalk to the entrance of the bar.  One fainted, but was caught by her friend.  Jex didn’t notice, however, because he soon found himself thwarted in his mission.  By a sign.

“NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO ENTRY” it said in big, bold yellow text.

“Merde!!” stomped Jex.  “Foiled by a stupid yellow sign!”

Jex had to park the Lambo way back in the Walmart parking lot.  Durling would be furious if he got a scratch or a ding.  But, he needed a shirt.  Walmart would have a cheap T-shirt he could throw on, surely.

He strolled up to the big entrance, now starting to sweat a bit in the afternoon sun.  The doors swooshed open and he strode into a blast of cold air.

“O, ça fait du bien!!” he exclaimed as the Walmart air conditioning bathed his skin.  “That feels so good.”

He smiled and walked through the gate, only to be halted by a little old lady in a red vest.

“I’m sorry sir, you can’t come in without a shirt!”  She tapped a yellow sign with a marker in her hand. Jex pulled his sunglasses down his nose to take a closer look.  “Qu’est-ce que c’est??” The sign read SHIRTS AND SHOES MUST BE WORN IN THIS ESTANBLISHMENT.

“Merde again!!” swore Jex.  He swiftly felt bad for it.  “Oh, sorry lady, pardon my French.  It’s just that I need a shirt!”

“Oui, you do!!” she returned to him in a sarcastic tone.  “Don’t make me tap the sign again.”

“Touché ,” said Jex.  Just then, a kid entered and walked up to Jex.  He poked him in the arm.

“Hey mister!” he said with excitement.  “Is that your car out there?”

“It sure is!” smiled Jex.  “Hey wait.  Kid – you wanna make a little extra money today?”  He handed the kid two twenties.  “Go in and buy me a T-shirt, large size.  Bring it back to me and you can keep the change.”

“Sure thing mister!!”

The kid ran into the store.  Jex smiled at the lady, and waited.

And waited.  He tapped his toes to the muzak.  Waited some more.

10 minutes.  Now 20.

“I don’t think he’s coming back,” said the lady.

“Sacré bleu!” stomped Jex again.  “Hey…lady…would you mind?  I really need a shirt, as you know, and you can keep the change.  Please…help a guy out?”  He pleaded.

The lady, smirked.  She pretended to think about it a moment, and then said “Gimme $50 and I’ll go get you a T-shirt.”

Jex winced, but pulled two more twenties and a ten from his wallet.  “Merci madame, merci.”  And you’re welcome, he thought to himself.

The lady took his money and grinned.  Five minutes later she was back with a Walmart shopping there.

“Thank you for shopping at Walmart, your receipt is in the bag, have a nice day sir,” she said, handing him the plastic bag.

“Merci,” Jex repeated, and ran back to the Lambo.  He opened the bag and pulled out a shirt.  A white T-shirt with Barney the dinosaur on it.  The receipt fell out of the bag, onto the ground.  Jex bent over and picked it up.

“Sacré bleu again!!”  He read it aloud:  “SALE – FIVE DOLLARS!?”  It didn’t take a calculator to do the math.  He was down $85 because of a $5 T-shirt!  He drove the Lambo up to the entrance, squealed the tires, and flipped the old lady the bird.  Her mouth fell agape in shock, but Jex didn’t feel badly this time.

“I’ve had about enough of this day,” said Jex to himself.  The cool air blasted his face inside the Lambo.  “Well, at least all I have to do now is pick up the record.”

Once more, he parked the yellow Lambo in front of The Big Prize Karaoke Bar and Grill.  He stepped out and grimaced as he slipped on his brand new Barney the Dinosaur T-shirt.  It fit, but…wow.  This time, a flock of girls laughed as he entered the bar.

“Haha, yeah, it’s a funny shirt,” he waved.  “I’m wearing it ironically of course.”  They giggled some more.

A server greeted him at the front desk, but tried not to stare at his shirt.  “Hello and welcome to the Big Prize!  Can I get you a table?  Karaoke room is popular today.”

“Actually, I’m a bit late…long story…but I was supposed to meet a guy named Ray here.  Is he still here?” asked Jex.

“Oh!  Ray the owner?  Yes he’s right over there, in the karaoke room.”  She pointed to a man in the adjoining room.  He was slender, with sunglasses, and a shaved head.

“Oh he’s the owner!  Merci!” said Jex, “Can I order some hot wings too?” he asked.

“I’ll put the order in now!” she replied.  Ray noticed them from his seat, and made a signal to someone.  Then he motioned for Jex to come to his table.

Jex removed his sunglasses and smiled with hand extended, as he approached Ray the owner.  Ray stood, and removed his glasses.  He did not look happy.  Jex could see that.

“I’m really sorry that I’m late, long story,” said Jex in way of apology.  But Ray wasn’t hearing any of it.  He looked Jex straight in the eye.

“I don’t know Tim Durling…but you?  I never forget a face…mister…Rouselle?”

Jex gasped.

“Ray Coburn…” he whispered.

It all came back in a flash.  It was years ago, but it did happen.  A viral video.  Jex mocking the song “Feel It Again” by Honeymoon Suite… especially making fun the of keyboards.  A song Ray Coburn wrote.  Ray Coburn, the keyboard player for Honeymoon Suite.  Coburn called him out online.   Jex issued a second video in way of apology, but it failed to take.  “It wasn’t your keyboards, man!  It’s the fact that there were keyboards in the first place!” pleaded Jex in the video, not ingratiating himself to Ray in any way.

Ray smiled at him coldly.  “Please…have a seat.”  He motioned to the chair across from him.  “I am well chuffed to finally meet you in person.  What a surprise!”  He grinned wide and clapped his hands together.   Jex sat awkwardly, as a lone bead of sweat worked its way down the left side of his face.

“Comfortable?” asked Coburn.

Jex squirmed in his chair a bit, trying to get settled.  “Yes…thank you.  Ummm, Mr. Coburn, I am truly sorry….”

Ray interrupted.  “And I thought my day couldn’t get any better!  I just booked a fall tour playing keyboards for Larry Gowan.  And now the famed music critic Jex Russell walks through my door!  What are the odds?”

Jen cleared his throat.  “Yeah, about that, I truly do apologize…”

Coburn shushed him.  “Oh, I know you do, especially now that you need something from me.  Durling already sent the funds.  The Night Ranger 7″ promo.  My friend Harry Hess…you know, from Harem Scarem?  Another band you criticized.  Harry brought this back from one of his Japanese tours.  He gave me a whole box of records in fact.  When Mr. Durling offered to buy it, he didn’t mention that he was sending you of all people to pick it up!  A bonus, so to speak.  Icing on the cake.  A treat for me, to finally meet the great music critic in person!  The honour is mine.”

Every word dripped with sarcasm.  Jex was extremely uncomfortable.  The server brought him his hot wings, but sensing the tension at the table, said nothing besides “enjoy”.  She made a swift exit, and left Ray and Jex alone.

“Have a chicken wing,” instructed Coburn.  “When I heard your order, I asked the chef to make them extra special just for you.”

“Oh…yay…” said Jex as he looked at the plate beneath him.  The wings steamed on the plate, and the capsaicin in the sauce fumes burned the sensitive skin inside his nose, as he inhaled.  He coughed.  Ray smiled.  Jex looked him in the eye as he steeled his face.  He grasped a drumstick with both hands and raised it to his mouth.  He bit and pulled half the meat off in one bite.  Before the heat could hit his tongue, he took a second bite, finishing the rest of the meat and skin.  He dropped the naked bone onto his plate, and returned his gaze to Ray.  He coughed.  He coughed some more.  He was choking and there was no water on the table!  Ray smiled.  Jex’s fingers were covered in sauce.  Wiping them on Barney the Dinosaur’s stomach, he made a drinking motion, asking for water.  Ray signaled the waitress, who brought a glass filled with water and ice.  Jex grabbed it with desperation and gulped every last drop of cold liquid.  The relief was temporary as the burning returned.  Jex was sweating from his scalp, and tears were forming in his eyes.

“Sacré…bleu!” he croaked.

“Spicy, right?” chided Ray.  “That’s Pepper X extract, my personal stash.  2,693,000 Scoville heat units.  I’ll let you Google how hot that is when you gain control of your face again!” he chuckled.

That face was red and leaking fluid from every orifice except his ears.  Jex thought he knew what pain was.  He sucked back an ice cube from his water glass.

“Listen, Mr. Coburn, truly you’ve made your point and I’m sorry!” he coughed.  “What does it take for me to prove that?”

Ray smiled.  He had been waiting for Jex to ask that very question.

“You’re going to get up there on the karaoke stage, and sing ‘Feel It Again’.”

“Merde,” said Jex.  He still had sauce on some of his fingers, but most of it was on his shirt.  “Yeah, OK.”

“Great!” said Ray.  “Send everyone in!”

“What??” exclaimed Jex.  Soon, the whole kitchen staff, all the servers, and a large number of guests had gathered in the room.  Ray got up on the karaoke stage.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and patrons of all ages!  We have a treat for you this afternoon at The Big Prize karaoke room!  We have an online celebrity with us.  The great music critic, Jex Rambo!  He is a big Honeymoon Suite fan, and he is going to sing ‘Feel It Again’, which I wrote.  Jex…come on down.”

Jex smiled sheepishly and waved at the crowd as they clapped modestly.  He had to blink through the tears still forcing their way out of his eyes.  The hot chicken wing sauce continued to burn his throat, but he had already drank all the water.  He stepped up, glanced at the lyric monitor, and gripped the microphone.  He focused.  No little pepper sauce was going to stop him from completing his mission.  This stupid errand, that the Night Ranger didn’t want to do himself!  Well, he didn’t need the Night Ranger to save him.  He held the microphone to his mouth and glared at Ray.

“Let’s do this,” he said with steel in his eyes.

The song started.  Derry Grehan’s opening guitar licks were backed by Ray’s…wonderfully dominant keyboards.

“If you would just be sensible, you’d find me indispensable,” coughed Jex.

“I pray deep down in destiny, that places you with me, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!”  OK, that line went better.  Jex got more comfortable as he sang each line.  Too many keyboards!  But he powered his way into the chorus.

“Waiting so long…to feel it again!  I thought that this heart would never mend!  TO FEEL IT AGAIN!  I KNOW, IT IS THE LIVING END!” Jex threw in some dance moves as he began to own the stage.  He sensed the crowd’s reaction.  Then, during Derry’s brilliant guitar solo, Jex went full on!  Moonwalking across the stage, Jex had the audience going nuts!  Someone tossed a bra up on stage, and Jex knew he’d finally got the job in hand.  His confidence restored, he tore off the Barney shirt and threw it back.  A lady fainted.  He flexed and finished the song.
“To feel it again…feel it again!  I thought that this heart would never mend.  To feel it again, I know it is the livin’ end!”  And with a flourish, he was done.  The room erupted into applause.

“Thank you!” bowed Jex.  “Thank you downtown Owen Sound, the pleasure was all yours!” he shouted as he leaped off the stage.

He made his way back to the table.  Ray handed him some napkins for his saucy hands, and the vinyl record.  After Jex had sufficiently cleaned the sauce off his fingers, Ray extended a hand.  Jex grasped it and shook.

“Well done Mr. Rambo.  The wings are on the house.  You’re welcome back here any time.  Tell Durling to enjoy the record,” said Ray.

“I will Mr. Coburn, and thank you.  You can finish the wings!  By the way, you were great when I saw you with Kim Mitchell,” replied Jex.

Coburn nodded in appreciation, and Jex headed back to the exit.  And then he realized, he had in fact been inside without a shirt.  Small triumph, but still a triumph.

Another girl fainted as Jex stepped into the yellow Lambo.  He winked as he burned rubber down the Owen Sound road.

“Not a bad day after all,” said Jex to himself.  “Mission accomplished, back to base and a big, cold glass of milk!”

The Lambo was soon out of sight, and quiet returned to the town.  Adventure would wait for another day.  The Night Ranger would have to be on duty tonight.  Jex had other plans.  “Racing after midnight,” he smiled.  Gripping the wheel, he revved the Lamborghini off into the sunset, into the Ontario countryside.

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE ONE – THE SQUIRREL SAGA 

THE ADVENTURES OF TEE BONE MAN:  PHASE TWO – THE MULTIVERSE SAGA

THE ADVENTURES OF THE NORTHERN LIGHTS:  PHASE THREE – THE UNICRON SAGA

 

 

SPINOFFS AND SIDE QUESTS

 

THE COMPLETE ADVENTURES OF EDIE VAN HEELIN’

THE WRITER’S ROOM

 

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