douchebag

#902.5: Spoogecakes 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Today’s chapter of Record Store Tales is a direct sequel to Part 35.5:  Spoogecakes!

 

RECORD STORE TALES #902.5: Spoogecakes 2 – Electric Boogaloo

LeBrain HQ has eyes and ears everywhere!   We are like Hydra:  cut off one head and two shall takes its place.

If you recall, when I launched this site in 2012, I had one anonymous hater.  Really nasty, too.  You can read the comments yourself.  This came right out of the blue.  The identity of the hater was confirmed by one of her co-workers at the Record Store:  an employee there at a location I once managed.  I had barely begun publishing my stories.  “Grow up or shut up,” went one of the kinder comments.  This only inspired me to keep writing, with more energy and frequency.  Obviously I had struck a nerve!  I actually owe this hater a huge thanks.  The drama she created catapulted me into another level, and the hits have only increased in the years since.  She provided the launchpad, so I do owe her my gratitude.  Craig Fee dubbed her with the nickname “Spoogecakes”, and I ran with that name for the Record Store Tales that followed.  I turned her hatemail into a chapter of the story.  Lemons into lemonade.

Hey, you wanna troll Record Store Tales?  Then Record Store Tales will troll you right back.  Some of my former co-workers there thought it was incredibly nasty of me exploit her vitriolic comments for views the way I did.  (What they thought of her actions — my so-called friends who were groomsmen at my wedding — they didn’t share that with me.)   I hadn’t planned on writing about her at all.  She was a non-entity and completely unimportant to my story.  She wrote herself in, as far as I was concerned.

Fast forward to the present:  she’s still at the Record Store, and just as endearing as ever.  A few months ago, I was just sitting here boppin’ through my day, when I got an email from a source bearing a tidbit of inside gossip.  My source revealed that Spoogey has been promoted to a manager of some kind, and isn’t the kind you’d want to work for.  I have obscured certain text to protect the identity of the informant, but the bones of their message are below.

“[Spoogecakes] is training someone, and that person has to leave home at 4 AM to get to the store, to suit [Spoogey’s] needs.”

Good luck with training someone after they’ve spent five hours on a bus.  Hope that worked out for ya.  Stuff like that never happened when I was training.  I drove people to and from training if I had to.  (Ask Shane.)

The training in question involves a box of used CDs that we would use to practice buying techniques.  How to check the discs for quality, how to check inventory, and how to price them.   The process of this training was previously detailed in Part 94:  Staffing.  (You can also watch a demonstration of me doing this in a live stream from last year.)  In all my time at the store, I never made anyone get up at 4 AM for this.  The story continues:

“In retaliation, the trainee wanted to leave a surprise for [Spoogey] in the box of used discs.  I got the impression it was a used sex toy.  The plan was for her to find it in the box with the other used items.”

My source said that the gist of the conversation was that “no one likes [Spoogey]. The manager of the store was in disbelief of her antics.”  The source also suggested that the conversation would have been a lot worse and more graphic if there were not customers in the store.

Some things never change!

Part 302: Blackie Lawless

STILL NOT BLACK ENOUGH_0004

RECORD STORE TALES Part 302:  Blackie Lawless

W.A.S.P. singer, founder and leader Blackie Lawless is known among fandom for his raging douchebaggery.  Witness a recent event in Russia, where Blackie ignored the one and only fan at the train station asking for his autograph.  Everybody should understand a human being’s need for privacy when they live in the limelight, but asking for an autograph at a train station is hardly imposing, especially when they’re the only fan in the place.

Blackie don’t sign nothin’!

Even back in the Record Store days, I was hearing stories about Blackie being an asshole to fans.  Witness the evidence below, an interaction I had with a customer in the late 1990’s:

Customer:  Hey, do you have any W.A.S.P. albums?

Me:  We might…are you looking for a specific one?

Customer:  No.  Just one that has a picture of the singer.  Blackie’s his name right?

Me:  Yup, Blackie Lawless.

Customer:  Here’s the thing.  I just want to see what he looks like.  I was in Toronto a couple months ago, and I swear I saw this guy.  I asked him, “Hey, are you in a rock band called W.A.S.P.?”  The guy said no, but I was sure it was him.  I said, “Come on, you’re him.  You look exactly like him.”  He had the long black hair, and he was really tall, man.

Me:  Well, Blackie’s definitely known for his hair and his height.  Sounds like him.  Hey, I have a CD called Headless Children here and there’s a picture inside.  Let’s take a look.

So we grabbed the W.A.S.P. CD and opened up the booklet.

Customer:  That’s him!  That’s the fucking guy!  I knew he was lying to me!  What an asshole.

Me: Yeah, he’s known for being one of those too!

REVIEW: The Bachelor (Season 18)

JUAN PABLO

THE BACHELOR – Season 18 (2014)

2014 has already been a stellar year for  quality television programming.  In addition to a healthy roster of returning classics such as The Amazing Race, Survivor, and Big Brother Canada, we were treated to the greatest season of the most dramatic of them all:  The Bachelor.  Through your TV screens, you traveled the world, watching many beautiful women from many beautiful talent agencies throwing themselves at the most voluminous douchebag in recent memory:  Juan Pablo Galavis.  

Aye-yai-yai.

Not every Bachelor has the distinction of getting dumped, twice.  Juan Pablo earned that record, with great effort.

The season starts promisingly.  At first, Juan Pablo takes a special liking to a the talented Opera singer Sharleen, who earns the “first impression rose”.   Giving a pretty girl a rose should set a Bachelor up for smooth sailing.

Sharleen is very reluctant to accept his advances; she carries nothing more than a physical attraction to the Venezuelan soccer player.  Of the quality of her relationship with Juan Pablo, she said, “If only I was a little dumber.”

Batting 1000 so far, Juan Pablo!

There is also a dark horse named Andi who Juan Pablo sees potential with.  Near the end of the series, the contestants are given a camera-free evening in a luxury hotel to get to know each other a little better.  Juan Pablo proves he is nothing more than a narcissist by making everything about him.  Fed up, she dumps him in the morning.  Juan Pablo’s response to her feelings:  “Is OK.  Is fine,” the very words that drove her insane prior to this.  Juan Pablo seems to have three words in his vocabulary:  “Is,” “OK,” and “fine.”  When appropriate he plays the language card to escape the wrath of Andi.  Sucks getting dumped on national television I guess?  Aye-yai-yai!

Juan Pablo describes himself as an “honest” family man who loves his daughter, but he plays these two things like cards too.  If things don’t go exactly as Juan Pablo expects things to go, he throws his Daddy status in their faces.  But is OK.  Even Juan Pablo’s mother called him “sometimes very rude.”

On the final date (in a helicopter) with the runner-up, Juan Pablo said the words that every girl dreams of hearing:  “I don’t know you, but I love fucking you.” After that comment of the century, he uses his comforting Venezuelan accent to assure her that “Is OK.”

One girl left.  Bachelor protocol ensures an engagement ring with a diamond the size of a watermelon and a lot of sweet, sweet words.  Nikki is the waiting girl.  Juan Pablo holds her hands, and shares the most whimsical words of the season:  “I like you a lot too.”

I hate to burst your bubble JP, but you’re a douche.  (Is OK.  Is fine.)

6/5 Aye-yai-yai’s

Part 171: VIDEO – Record Store Gallery

RECORD STORE TALES Part 171:  Record Store Gallery

REVIEW: Geoff Tate – GT EPK (2012)

What can you say about a guy who’s already had two lineup changes before his new “Queensryche” has even played a single gig?  As usual, I’ll let Geoff say it all…

GEOFF TATE – GT EPK (2012)

EPK:  “Electronic Press Kit”, something an artist releases to the media to promote themselves. See above.

Although this has been out for months, it was only recently that Uncle Meat brought it to my attention.    While he was over recording our most recent video, he said to me, “LeBrain, you have to see the Tate video.  This thing is ridiculous.”

So I watched.  And I laughed.

Cheesey?  Check.

“Oh yeah.  I love my job.”

Pretentious?  Check.

“I guess I’m an experience junkie.”

Trying to look cool?  Check.

“I usually take a couple of motorcycles on tour with me…ride between cities.”

Stuff nobody cares about?  Check.

“Oh there’s my beautiful wife, Susan.”

Nothing in here about spitting at drummers, getting in fights, or carrying bladed weapons though!  Do you want to see something really funny?  Skip ahead in the video to 2:38.

“Oh, wait, watch this.”

And then he does this lame “jump”.  I mean, if he was David Lee Roth and did that cool spiral kick thing, that would something worth waiting and watching for.  Not…whatever that was at 2:38.

Don’t take it from me though!  Here’s some quotes from my esteemed Sausagefest colleagues.

Grant:  “Got about three minutes in before vomiting all over my keyboard. The ‘Two Girls One Cup’ of personal biographies.”

Scottie:  “WTF was that…”

Iron Tom Sharpe:  “Imagine what that cock seepage would be like if he was still good (and relevant) and they hadn’t sucked for the last 15 years…Nothing is sadder than seeing your heroes as they really are…”

Dave:  “He was always a cheeseball. The guys around him simply obscured that.”

Meat:  “Music’s latest train wreck.  So awful you just can’t look away.”

That’s all.  That’s all I can stomach.

0/5 stars

TATERYCHE

Part 167: VIDEO – Top Five Discs that Got Us in Shit at the Record Store

RECORD STORE TALES Part 167:

Top Five Discs that Got Us in Shit at the Record Store

featuring Uncle Meat

Part 159: The Return of Dandydouche – Dandy Deuce!

One of the most popular stories of 2012 was the tale of  “Aerodouche Dandy”.  So, in light of that, how about a sequel?

RECORD STORE TALES Part 159:  Dandydouche 2 – Dandy Deuce!

We had several CD players in our store that allowed our customers to listen to anything they wanted, before buying.  It was a pretty cool innovation by the chain owner.  Other stores had “listening posts” where you could listen to one of a select few new releases, but at the time nobody else would let you listen to anything you wanted in the store.  As cool and helpeful as that sounds, it was also an invitation for abuse.

Many times, I’d put up to 50 discs on for somebody who purchased nothing, but we couldn’t cut them off.  We couldn’t say no.  You could spend over an hour serving a customer, retrieving discs and filing them when they were done, all for naught.

Record store guys have a sixth sense though.  We’d pick up the signals.  For example, when Kid Rock had a huge hit with “Picture” (a duet with Sheryl Crow), a lot of older people used to come in and listen to it, to see if they would like the rest of the Kid Rock CD.  Predictably they didn’t, and it wasn’t out on Sheryl’s album yet.  I knew they weren’t going to buy the Kid Rock CD, and most didn’t.  That’s one example.

One thing Douchebag Dandy would do is purposely put the wrong CD in the player.  I know of one instance where he substituted a lady’s chosen disc with Iron Bitchface.  Iron Bitchface was a local “outsider music” project that Dandy hung out with.  He had been known to jump onstage with them, and was always seen in public as a lookalike pairing with their singer, K-Rot.

Iron Bitchface was, by their own admission, people who could not play music.  They created a lot of noise and recorded it, and split it up into tracks.  I grabbed a T-shirt because I liked their logo, but it was completely unlistenable.  In fact our store-play copy had a massive skip in it that nobody even noticed.  That’s how bad it was.

Anyway, this time Dandy was working, a lady was in listening to every Harry Connick Jr. album we had, and not buying anything.  After a dozen or so listens, Dandy swapped out her last CD for Iron Bitchface.  She immediately took off her headphones.  “I think the CD player is broken,” I’m told she said.

Dandy sauntered over to check.  “Nope.  It’s working fine.”

“Really?  Whatever I’m hearing isn’t music!”

Dandy opened up the player.  “Nope.  This is the disc you picked out.”

“Well you can take it off, that’s nothing but garbage!  Who could listen to that?” she said.

Dandy found this tremendously funny, and laughed and boasted about it after.  Even though she wasn’t buying anything, that’s still just a douchebag move!  Apropos for a Douchebag Dandy!

UPDATE: Two Queensryches? F***!

(Above: Sarzo)

http://www.bravewords.com/news/189489

http://www.bravewords.com/news/189504

The “real”Queenryche:
Eddie Jackson (bass), Scott Rockenfield (drums), Michael Wilton and Parker Lundgren (guitars), Todd La Torre (new singer)

Geoff Tate’s new “second” Queensryche:  Rudy Sarzo (bass, ex-Dio, ex-Quiet Riot, ex-Ozzy, ex-Whitesnake), Bobby Blotzer (drums, Ratt), Glen Drover (guitars, ex-Megadeth), Kelly Gray (guitars, ex-Queensryche) and Randy Gane (keyboards, ex-Myth).

Getting (Canadian!) Glen Drover is a huge coup.  Sarzo’s history speaks for itself. Gray is no surprise, at least to me.  But “Da Blotz” Bobby Blotzer on drums?  Seriously, Geoff?  That’s…uhhh…an interesting choice for a new Queensryche.  What, was Frankie Banali unavailable so next on the list was Da Blotz?

My initial impressions are as follows:  Drover’s brilliant but this new patchwork Queensryche smells like the new Guns N’ Roses.  Blotzer is a choice that just boggles my mind.  I guess we’ll see how it goes, but my money’s on the old Queensryche.   Still can’t believe the fans have to deal with two Queensryches, now.  Hopefully the courts will put this to an end in 2013 and rule that the guys who booted Geoff out by  majority vote have the rights to the name….

This is just getting stupid.  Geoff, stop being a douche!

If you like Queensryche, check these out:

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part I

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part II

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part III

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part IV

QUEENSRYCHE UPDATE: Things Are Gonna Get Messy…

First there’s this.  Queensryche make Tate sound like a total douche, but the future of their music is exciting.  And that 2013 “Return to History” tour sounds totally cool.  Read it:

http://www.billboard.com/features/q-a-queensryche-talks-lawsuit-plans-return-1007826952.story

Then, there’s this news!

http://www.bravewords.com/news/188719

2013 QUEENSRŸCHE Anniversary Tour featuring an All-Star lineup, starring Geoff Tate, “the longtime creative and driving force behind the band, whose vocals can be heard on every Queensryche song ever released!” [NOTE:  Didn’t DeGarmo sing on “All I Want”?]

Yeah, this is definitely going to get messy.  2013 will be an interesting year as two entities seemingly calling themselves Queensryche attempt to do an anniversary tour.  Can’t imagine who the hell is in Geoff’s “all star lineup” though.

 

If you like Queensryche, check these out:

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part I

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part II

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part III

Mike Ladano: Exclusive EDDIE JACKSON interview, part IV

REVIEW: Nickelback – Dark Horse

First of all, this Victoria Day weekend, I would like to apologize to the nations of the world, for Nickelback.  You forgave us for Celine, you forgave us for Bryan Adams, do we get three strikes?

NICKELBACK – Dark Horse 

the only thing that could make me feel worse about my life would be to play bass for nickelback. — Mike Jackson, actor, “Trevor” on Trailer Park Boys.

As if Nickelback weren’t bad enough on their own, here comes Mutt Lange to “polish” their sound! The result is an album that — guess what! — sounds like a cross between Nickelback and Def Leppard. Don’t believe me? Check out those “HEY”‘s on “Shakin’ Hands”. Lifted straight out of “Pour Some Sugar On Me”, but without the sugar.  This is more like aspartame.

In fact this is one of the least fun album about beer and chicks that I’ve ever heard. Kroeger’s overwrought, over-serious singing style makes this one tedious listen. I’ve never heard a “party” band take themselves so seriously before. Even Metallica don’t take themselves this seriously.

The lyr-yucks are a nauseating mix of cliche after cliche, stripper after stripper, beer after beer. But without a wink and a smile, like David Lee Roth used to do. This time, nobody’s laughing.

Worst songs:
“Something In Your Mouth” (how can a band write such stupid lyrics? With rapping?)
“This Afternoon” (a pretty dour sounding party)
“Shakin’ Hands” (Nickelfunk?)
“If Today Was Your Last Day” (philosphy 4 dummies )

There’s a reason Nickelback are hated by millions and got rocks thrown at them in Greece. This album boils it all down into one handy package for you to piss on.

No stars.

My favourite thing about Chad Kroeger is how dumb he sounds when he’s trying to sound smart!