REVIEW: The Bachelor (Season 18)

JUAN PABLO

THE BACHELOR – Season 18 (2014)

2014 has already been a stellar year for  quality television programming.  In addition to a healthy roster of returning classics such as The Amazing Race, Survivor, and Big Brother Canada, we were treated to the greatest season of the most dramatic of them all:  The Bachelor.  Through your TV screens, you traveled the world, watching many beautiful women from many beautiful talent agencies throwing themselves at the most voluminous douchebag in recent memory:  Juan Pablo Galavis.  

Aye-yai-yai.

Not every Bachelor has the distinction of getting dumped, twice.  Juan Pablo earned that record, with great effort.

The season starts promisingly.  At first, Juan Pablo takes a special liking to a the talented Opera singer Sharleen, who earns the “first impression rose”.   Giving a pretty girl a rose should set a Bachelor up for smooth sailing.

Sharleen is very reluctant to accept his advances; she carries nothing more than a physical attraction to the Venezuelan soccer player.  Of the quality of her relationship with Juan Pablo, she said, “If only I was a little dumber.”

Batting 1000 so far, Juan Pablo!

There is also a dark horse named Andi who Juan Pablo sees potential with.  Near the end of the series, the contestants are given a camera-free evening in a luxury hotel to get to know each other a little better.  Juan Pablo proves he is nothing more than a narcissist by making everything about him.  Fed up, she dumps him in the morning.  Juan Pablo’s response to her feelings:  “Is OK.  Is fine,” the very words that drove her insane prior to this.  Juan Pablo seems to have three words in his vocabulary:  “Is,” “OK,” and “fine.”  When appropriate he plays the language card to escape the wrath of Andi.  Sucks getting dumped on national television I guess?  Aye-yai-yai!

Juan Pablo describes himself as an “honest” family man who loves his daughter, but he plays these two things like cards too.  If things don’t go exactly as Juan Pablo expects things to go, he throws his Daddy status in their faces.  But is OK.  Even Juan Pablo’s mother called him “sometimes very rude.”

On the final date (in a helicopter) with the runner-up, Juan Pablo said the words that every girl dreams of hearing:  “I don’t know you, but I love fucking you.” After that comment of the century, he uses his comforting Venezuelan accent to assure her that “Is OK.”

One girl left.  Bachelor protocol ensures an engagement ring with a diamond the size of a watermelon and a lot of sweet, sweet words.  Nikki is the waiting girl.  Juan Pablo holds her hands, and shares the most whimsical words of the season:  “I like you a lot too.”

I hate to burst your bubble JP, but you’re a douche.  (Is OK.  Is fine.)

6/5 Aye-yai-yai’s

26 comments

  1. I haven’t watched the Bachelor since it first aired (when…? 10 years ago?), but sounds like is okay is fine lol. Thanks for the super entertaining synopsis!

    Like

  2. Disoriented… cannot find the rawk… so long without a TV and I didn’t even know this existed and it’s been going 18 frickin’ seasons… I read the whole thing and now I cannot get it out of my head…

    please send help… send three Sabbath albums and an 8-pack of Guiness… I need to reboot…

    Like

    1. I hope it’s obvious that I did not write this :) Mrs. LeBrain did and then I polished it. I watched the final episode with her just so I knew what we were talking about :)

      Like

      1. Man, you’ve gotta hold my hand through these things. Wasn’t obvious it was yer lovely wife, and it didn’t say so anywhere on it… All I got was disorientated because I came to Lebrains for the rawk and right at the top of that post was that guy’s really punchable face and a review of a TV show that, even though I’ve never seen one single second of it, I can tell you for certain that if I had to watch it, I’d be aware of every second of my finite lifetime ticking away never to return… I’ll be alright. Pitchers throw curveballs all the time. I’m just so used to your rawk heaters straight to the strike zone.

        Like

        1. Well the truth can now be revealed! We came up with this April Fool’s review together. I was coming up dry for ideas and then it hit us that The Bachelor was just terrible enough for the job. And if there’s one thing I learned it is that you are right to not have TV in your house.

          My God this was banal.

          Like

      1. Hmmm … well … ok i get that now. You might wanna make that clear though. As in the intention for the review. Think about it… if someone doesnt know you and stumbles upon this site. You even reviewing The Bachelor.. let alone giving it 6 out of 5 … might take away some credibility in a new reader’s eyes as to whether they should even read what you would review about a band like say .. Iron Maiden? Before you told me about it being an April Fools joke .. Tom and I had already discussed skewering you at the Fest for such deplorable content. Probably still will actually …

        Like

        1. Go for it!

          I find it funnier to just tag it “April 1” and see if people notice. Some people got it…a few contacted me and said this was one of the funniest Reviews! I’m just amusing myself here. But we did work hard on this and did a few rewrites, until we were happy. We made ourselves laugh so that’s good enough for me!

          Like

      1. Man, I didn’t even check the tags. So, you got us. Apparently, we’re way too serious out here. Glad you guys got a chuckle.

        And you know, you’ll do this next year and we’ll miss it again. Old dogs, ya know…

        Like

        1. One reader’s comment:

          “I do find it much funnier that way (not explaining the April Fools joke). You get two laughs. One at the joke, and s second at the people who took it seriously!”

          Sorry Uncle Meat!

          So yes I think I will try again next year. Lets see who’s sharp!

          Like

        2. well .. this may be true. I have never checked tags in any other review i have seen on here. It certainly makes me more comfortable knowing Mrs. LeBrain wrote the review… which i still havent read actually. I might now knowing she wrote it. I refused to when i thought you wrote it

          Like

        3. Dammit, that means I’ve lost my man card again, because I read the damn thing.

          Now, in order to get it back, I have to go drink some beers and stare at some boobies and talk about sports and pick-up trucks.

          Actually, you know, that doesn’t sound so bad…

          Like

        4. Nah, you can keep your man card. For you, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. You were reading trying to figure out what the hell I was thinking. That’s good enough for me. I’ll go with it.

          Like

        5. Aw thanks, Dude. I was reading and waiting for some punchline (not expecting that WE were the punchline). Like, “and in the end he wooed the girl with an amazing guitar song and no one knew he could play.” Like that.

          So, can we still go drink beer and look at boobies anyway? I could skip the trucks and sports, if it were all the same…

          Like

Rock a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s