RECORD STORE TALES #1072.5: The Final, Final Word on Married and Heels
Like a bad penny, reminders of this person keep popping up in my life. Her fans like her pictures, and I’ve used them as thumbnail images on Edie Van Heelin’ episodes when appropriate. I often see Edie and Married and Heels posts pop up in my top ten for hits.
Recently, one of her real-life running associates read one of these Edie stories (Winter Vacation to be specific) . He or she dropped a comment, with Married and Heels’ real name. I only knew her as Joelle. I deleted the real name…but could not resist Googling her.
And now, I’m starting to understand.
She called me her “always and forever” friend, and she said we were the “real deal”. Now I see why that was not and never would be the case.
I was never going to be Joelle’s real friend. She was never going to mix any aspect of her “fan world” with her real life. I’ve seen her social media. It’s very vanilla. It’s very church. She leads a double life. In one, she’s a housewife and a church deacon, raising two kids and running marathons for charity. In the other life, she’s flirting with hundreds of men, showing her naked body for money, wearing sexy clothing. There is no sexy clothing in her vanilla life. She’s two different people.
There’s Joelle, the person I knew.
Then there’s M****, the church woman with not a shred of sexy clothing or a hint of her life as a high-heels collector and model.
She wanted me to be friends with Joelle. She didn’t want me anywhere near M****. Her double life led her to this quandary. I was so very tired of Joelle, the daily photos, the hustling for money, the flirting with fans. I didn’t like it. I could only last eight months in that world. I wanted to know M****, not Joelle. I’m not even sure that I liked Joelle. Not after eight months of watching her hustle her fans for thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. I did the math once and figured out approximately what she’s making from OnlyFans. It’s not a bad side hustle. But that world is not for me. Those people are not for me.
In the end, I hated Joelle. I wanted to be friends with M****. I liked the real person behind Joelle. I wanted to see more of her.
Don’t forget, we chatted in real life on Instagram. I sent her mail with a Grab A Stack tote bag and a custom Lego figure from Harrison. These are things real friends do, not fans. I know she was terrified of her church finding out about her secret life. I would be too. We could have been real friends, but the myopic husband refused to allow it. She said she had no “male” friends, which raises huge red flags about the husband. The husband would never allow one of her “fans” to have access to the real her. Not to M****. Only to Joelle.
I guarantee that the husband made her throw away the Grab A Stack tote bag, which was expensive. There is no way he wanted that to be seen. No way he wanted anyone to connect M**** to Grab A Stack of Rock.
Imagine if I was her Facebook friend, as I wanted to be. The husband would be terrified that their family and friends would wonder who this guy was on M****’s friends list. A male friend? I would have raised eyebrows. People might have clicked me, and found all of M****’s appearances on Grab A Stack of Rock. That simply could not happen to him. In their eyes, that road led to excommunication from their church.
We didn’t have to be friends on social media for us to survive. We could have communicated by email, by text, or by private message on any platform other than OnlyFans. The husband would not allow it, and I place the blame squarely upon him for that.
As for M****, I blame her for claiming our friendship was “the real deal” and “always and forever”, when she knew that would never be the case. She was the one who brought up coming to Kincardine, Ontario to hang out with me. The only friendship she wanted was one in the fan world. She didn’t want a friend in her vanilla life. She wanted one in her fan world only. After eight months, that could not be me anymore. I hated every day on that site. The gross comments from her fans, the stripping. That is not the kind of friendship I wanted. If she had let me leave OnlyFans and continue our friendship any other way, we might still be friends today.
Then again, we might not. I’m starting to think that I never really knew M****. From what I’ve seen on her social media, she never told me much about her real life at all. She wanted it separate too. She led me on. She lied to me. And I believed it. In my naivete, I truly believed we were friends. I wasn’t her friend. I was just her favourite fan. If I ever showed up at the door of her real life, I would be kicked to the curb like a mangy dog.
There were clues. Hints that I was just a fan. Hustling me to buy photo sets, or to buy live streams. Things you wouldn’t do to a real friend.
Whoever the “Nevada Runner” was that left the comment with her real name, I think I owe you a thanks. Checking out her socials proved to me that there was never a future in that friendship. There was no room for a strange man from Canada. The only room for me in her life was in her secret life. Regardless of her meeting my friends and talking to everyone in my life on Grab A Stack of Rock, the reverse would never be true. It was an uneven “friendship”, if it was ever that at all.
While I will never forget what she did to me…I forgive her. M****, I forgive you.
I forgive you.
It’s not always honesty That is the best policy But little lies can give you away Though you’ll deny it if they say maybe you’re just
Leading a double life Friends in the daytime, strangers at night Leading a double life Can it be wrong when you know that it’s right?
RECORD STORE TALES #1086: Seven Tales for Seven Photos
Instead of one new Record Store Tale, today I present seven mini-stories! With photo accompaniment.
#1087 A: Canadian Redneck
Found this guy on my Facebook one morning. No idea who he is. Looks kind of familiar. “Hey ya’ll!” he said, apparently on his vacation. “Take a vacation from yourselves once in a while!” he said. Should I be taking advice from this guy? Something tells me no, but something also tells me yes….
I’ll give this guy credit for one thing, whoever he is: great hair. That’s a classic style he’s sporting there.
#1087 B: A Couple Turkeys
Fall has arrived and it’s turkey season. I snapped this selfie up at The Beef Way, north of Kincardine Ontario.
Regular readers here know we take food very seriously. We had some bad luck earlier at a Kitchener store called Robert’s Boxed Meats. I am here to tell you that we will never shop at Robert’s Boxed Meats ever again. Twice he sold us spoiled beef, and the last time was an expensive tomahawk steak.
The Beef Way sold us three freshly butchered tomahawks this summer, not to mention some T-bones, porterhouses and ribeyes. He also sold us the best bacon I’ve ever had in my life, some amazing “fry-pies”, and condiments & jams. It is a shame the Beef Way is so far from home, but we won’t be wasting any more dollars at Robert’s Boxed Meats. Which is a shame, since Robert’s is the only place within 100 kilometers that sells A5 Waygu steaks. Just not worth the risk. Don’t be a turkey; don’t buy from Robert’s. One pack of spoiled meat is an isolated incident. Two is a problem. You have been warned.
#1087 C: Jen is Joining Tee Bone Man!
Harrison has created a prototype Jen figure for the Adventures of Tee Bone Man! But this is not her final form, and we have her own Jen In Space spinoff planned. I have purchased a number of different hair pieces and hats for Jen as she ventures into space on board the Galaxy Explorer.
You will just have to keep reading Tee Bone Man to see how she fits into the story. Though she has been mentioned in the past, a few people asked me “Why is Jen not in the Tee Bone Man stories?” The truth is there isn’t a good reason, aside from the fact that we don’t write together very well. We never have. We tried to write our own Trailer Park Boys fan fiction when we first met, and we immediately realized we do not collaborate well with the written word. At all. We’re better off creatively with me writing and her knitting!
However, this winter we’re going to start integrating her character into the story — wish us luck!
#1087 D: If It’s Too Loud Then You’re Too Old
The porch is my happy place. Music sounds better out there in the great green open! And I play it loud. It’s easy to forget how easily sounds carry at the lake. You’d think the trees would act as a sound baffle, preventing the music from carrying. You’d be wrong!
Maybe it’s the lack of city background noise, but if I am cranking it really loud, you can hear the tunes almost all the way down at the beach. At normal volume, passers by can hear it from the road.
And they know I’m playing music way cooler than they are!
A few weeks ago, a couple kids were biking down the road with some kind of speaker on their bikes. They were blasting “Kickstart My Heart” by Motley Crue.
“GOOD SONG!” said one kid to the other.
I just laughed, and remembered being told to turn that song down when I was their age, about 34 years ago!
1087 E: Green Lamborghini
Driving home from the cottage on October 1, I snapped a photo at a stoplight. I know, I know. You’re not supposed to handle your phone at any time in a car, even a stoplight. But I could not resist this beauty. Two kids crossing the road filmed this car as it sat low to the ground, ready to rip.
He did not “rip” though; he drove the speed limit the whole way, even on Highway 8, which surprised us.
It was a pleasant drive home, with only one guy zipping in and out of passing cars, and it wasn’t this guy. It was some guy whose car sounded like a weedwhacker when he gunned it. Lambo Man just kept going the speed limit.
Good going, Lambo Man!
1087 F: A Penny For Her Thoughts
I just found these coins in my music room: one of each major denomination of Canadian coinage. But why did I have this set in my music room?
Back in April, I gathered these coins to send to my former friend MarriedandHeels. You read all about that parcel I sent her back in #1072: Darkness Be My Friend. Why did she never receive these coins? Two reasons.
On her third Grab A Stack of Rock special, both of us explained how we were going to be sending parcels back and forth, kind of like penpals. This was her idea, since she was sure her husband would not “allow” her to visit Canada as she said she wished. So, she came up with the parcel swapping idea, which her husband then forbid! I don’t know why she couldn’t just tell her husband to fuck off, like most people would. I would happily do it for her…
Mr. Husband allowed me to send one, and only one parcel instead of many over a period of months. I had been holding onto these coins for parcel #2, which was never going to happen.
I also decided that she had enough of my money already.
So, this is all laundry money now. I hope she knows how badly she blew it. We certainly know now why she doesn’t have any friends!
#1087 G: The Face of Terror
Ah, childhood photos. Always good for a laugh…or pure horror!
My parents took me to meet “celebrities” a couple times. Once was David Prowse, dressed as Darth Vader. He even signed his autograph as “Darth Vader”. That terrified me…but just look at Bert and Ernie here!
I may be smiling, but I was terrified and did not want to be there. Bert was tickling me. I was not amused! I wanted the hell out of there!
Somewhere out there is a guy who used to dress as Bert and tickle kids to get them to smile.
Parents, never do this to your kids! They will only post the photo to shame you down the road!
I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS – TURNS OUT I WAS JUST A CUSTOMER ALL ALONG
RECORD STORE TALES #1072: DARKNE$$ BE MY FRIEND (The Final Word)
“Summer’s so quickly gone, darkness be my friend, Nothing lasts forever, but the certainty of change.”– BRUCE DICKINSON
“Eyelashes and some white leather boots.” – RYAN ADAMS
“Always and forever!” – MARRIED AND HEELS
“It’s business only!” – BEARD DADDY’S DECREE
She hurt me deeply, insulted me with her actions and words, and in the process showed her true colours. But still….
Questions. My mind reels with questions. Digging through my phone, deleting old junk, I stumbled upon screenshots of messages from Joelle the California Girl (MarriedandHeels)* that once meant something to me. When I saw these screenshots, I began to question everything. Was I wrong about her? Was there still something in that friendship worth saving? My old messages indicated there might be.
From New Year’s Day:
“Happiest New Year my dearest friend, my dearest Mike!!! Your words never cease to stop and take my breath away, teary eyed. I cherish you and our friendship. I’m so glad you came into my life. I don’t think you understand how much our shared time has meant to me…especially those first few months after my surgery. I don’t think I could have gotten through it all without you. You are a hero in my story. And as for our story, there are still so many adventures for us to share, fiction and non-fiction!!! I know it!!! Your dreams and wishes are mine as well. Always and forever.”
A hero in her story! I wonder how she likes being part of my story now…
I remember being so excited about the future of our friendship and creative collaborations. A few days later she was on Grab A Stack of Rock for the first time. I was her start! She asked me to co-host her OnlyFans show with her. “I need someone to talk to on camera,” she said as the husband pushed her to go live. In hindsight I’m glad that never happened. The husband talked her out of that one. He was always in control, always pushing her to hustle for tips. She asked me to help hustle. I did.
We began working on more Edie Van Heelin’ stories. She was so pumped that I was merging her story with Tee Bone Man, and she loved my story premise for Tee Bone vs. Edie! A story she ultimately never read.
How about this doozy, from September 2022:
“Would it be weird if I came to visit you at your cottage?”
That one returned to haunt her, again and again. She should never have asked if she didn’t mean it.
These are not isolated messages.
“I can’t wait to watch us unfold together. I feel all the pain and heartache you’ve dealt with, and all that you continue to walk through, and I hope you can feel me right beside you, holding your hand every step of the way. Maybe some will think we look different, but all I see are our similarities, and the differences that actually bring us closer together. I don’t want you any different than the amazing and cool guy I know you to be. You are cool; for so many reasons you are cool. Thank you for being my friend and having my back! Here’s to many more good and bad days; days that we will get through together. Always yours!”
All lies. Unfortunately there were not that many more good or bad days to come. Our days were numbered and the clock was ticking.
I can admit now that I was always wary. Something about our friendship seemed…surreal? Impossible? And ultimately, that’s exactly what it was. It always seemed to me like it would have a limited lifespan. There were always boundaries. Because of the nature of her “adult” work, and the husband’s privacy concerns, our conversations were usually but not always limited to OnlyFans. I always wondered…what happens when my subscription expires? I didn’t want to be there forever. I was not happy there. I hoped we could transition our friendship to something more “normal”. Communicate by email. Make friends on social media. Anything.
Eventually the ice broke. After several weeks of reduced contact, on April 19 2023, she asked if we could talk face to face via video chat on Instagram. I set aside my lunch hour to do just that. We had a wonderful talk. I felt like our friendship was finally entering the real world. She gave me an email address so that we could collaborate on Tee Bone Man properly together. I was overjoyed. Little did I know, we were racing towards the end.
Despite her words of “always and forever”, it was not meant to last. I used to blame myself, but not anymore.
As stated in a previous chapter, on April 28 she began a new journey: stripping online. While I always found her attractive and I happily supported her on OnlyFans, this was a road I could not follow. She was my friend. And I don’t think she understood that I simply did not want to see my friend naked. Lingerie was one thing. Naked was a boundary in my mind that I could not cross. I used to tell my friends, “Yeah, she has an OnlyFans, but she doesn’t get naked. She keeps her clothes on.” When that changed…everything else did too.
“I went out of my comfort zone,” she told me, but why did I have to go out of my comfort zone for her? Why did she assume I wanted to see her naked?
I refused to watch. I hated her show. I lied and told her it was great, but the strip club perv vibe wasn’t for me. Her gross fans made me feel uncomfortable. But I faked it. I lied. I guess our friendship was always based on dishonesty, in both directions. Guilty as charged — but so is she.
Though she claimed to be indifferent, she didn’t seem to be happy about me skipping her stripshow. Reading between the lines, it seemed obvious. This is not something I wanted to discuss in crappy texts. It had to be discussed voice to voice, or face to face. Either/or. She was very volatile when it came to sensitive subjects. It had to be handled right. She stripped again on May 5, Cinco de Mayo. I wanted to talk about it but got shot down twice. I simply wanted to explain why I was not comfortable watching, even though she seemed enthused at the prospect. “Are we OK?” I asked. She refused to answer. “Are you and I OK? Can we talk?”
The answer was colder than any I ever received from her. She clearly had no desire to open this subject.
“No, I can’t be talking like that anymore. Sorry.”
What?? The husband** was “cracking down” and she “got in trouble” for calling me on Instagram. If I wanted to talk to her…I’d have to pay. I am certain that she told him the previous Instagram call was my request. It wasn’t. It was all hers, 100%. I never asked for it. She wanted to talk to me. In order to stay out of “trouble”, I am sure she told him it was my idea.
I was shell-shocked. I asked her “How many friends do you have that you have to pay to talk to?” Apparently this question hurt her tremendously. She said she had no friends. I always thought that was an exaggeration, but now I actually believe her. I don’t think she does have any friends. “You have friends, actual friends. I do not.” Her words.
Nothing lasts forever, but the certainty of change. She changed on Cinco de Mayo. Like night and day.
I can only guess. My feeling, and the feelings of those who know the story, is that I was only a friend to her as long as I was also a fan. She needed the adoration. She needed the compliments. She needed the affirmation that she was beautiful. When I stopped providing that…she stopped behaving like my friend. That’s a fact. I can only draw the conclusion that one thing was connected to the other.
Other friends feel there was an element of the “long con” going on, but certain things don’t quite add up. Why did she appear on my show five times if it was just a long con? I’m not convinced, but I’m open to the argument that it was all just a long cash grab.
She once said she’d always make time for Grab A Stack of Rock. I was worried about this. As I became less and less comfortable with her live shows, but before she began stripping, I felt like it was heading in a direction I could not follow. It was causing me a lot of stress every Friday. I didn’t want to watch, but felt obligated. She knew something was up, but shot me down when I wanted to talk about it. I remember saying to Jen, “I feel like I have to watch her live show, because if I don’t, I think she’ll stop participating in Grab A Stack of Rock.” Jen responded, “I think you’re right.” But MarriedandHeels reassured me, “No, I would never want you to feel forced to watch. What’s the point?” Yet when push came to shove…and I stopped watching…she stopped participating in Grab A Stack just as Jen and I predicted.
Suddenly our friendship seemingly had new conditions. You support my live show, and I support yours. She denied it, but that’s the way it played out.
“Of course you can choose to look at or watch whatever you want or don’t want. I would never force you. Ever.” She was not lying necessarily. Even though in the past she told me it meant a lot to her when I watched…now she suddenly acted like it didn’t matter. I did not believe her that it didn’t anymore. No, she wouldn’t force me to watch. She would just take away her appearances on my show if I didn’t, which is exactly what happened.
May the 5th, Cinco de Mayo, was the last gasp. She was excited about going topless once again, and even though I tried to talk about it the previous week, she continued to insist I watch. When I said “I’ve never seen a friend of mine topless”, she sent me a shrug emoji and became very cold. Was my approval that important to her? To her idea of friendship?
The husband, however, had spoken. It was a pay-to-play friendship. “We met because of a fetish and that cannot be denied,” she said as he coached her on how to respond to me. All of a sudden, she was backtracking on that “hero” and “always and forever” talk…all meaningless bullshit now. Does it matter how friends meet when one claims the other to be a hero, always and forever? I was deeply insulted by her two-faced words, but I still had one more question.
“If I cancelled my OnlyFans, would you still talk to me?” I asked. The answer (after asking twice!) was, of course, no. This was the first time I had ever been told this. Again: I had to ask twice before she would be up-front with me. Twice.
We stopped speaking for two days. After being told that our friendship could only be maintained if I remained on OnlyFans, paying for access by order of the husband, I said to her I would not be logging in again. “I will always be available. You have my information,” I told her. “You are very special. One of my favourite people in the world. But I cannot accept paying for a friend, because that’s not friendship. By definition, it’s not.”
100% true.
I don’t think she really understood that. She had no friends. No experience with real friendship. None. It’s quite sad when you think about it.
Two days later, I returned. Even though she had become quite cold to me, and the warmth would never return, I thought we could try to salvage it. Since she had placed conditions on our friendship, I thought I could do the same:
I placed two conditions on our friendship: 1) I would choose what content of hers I consumed, and if I chose not to watch, then it had to be that way without question or pressure. 2) I would be taking over Edie Van Heelin’ and Grab A Stack of Rock on my own. Collaboration on Edie was impossible with the new conditions placed on our friendship, and asking her to be on Grab A Stack was anxiety inducing. Ultimately I did ask her, one more time, as anxiety-inducing as it was. There was a matter of a parcel to unbox.
You’ve all seen the Lego Edie that Harrison made for our stories. When I showed her, she loved it! She wanted it for herself! She offered to pay for it! So Harrison made her a duplicate, and sent it to me, to send to her. And that’s a whole other chapter of this odyssey. The husband clearly didn’t want me to have their address.
“I’m still confirming how to get you an address,” went one of the weirdest messages she ever sent.
“How” to get me an address? How “friendly!” You type it out and I put it on the parcel. Simple. I live three time zones away. I’m not stalking you…”friend”.
Finally he agreed to let me send one parcel, and only one. And she was not permitted to send me one in return, as we had planned all along. No Christmas cards allowed, nor any birthday cards. By this time I knew the friendship was on seriously perilous rocky ground, and I just wanted that Lego figure out of my house. I packed it up and mailed it to her. Then we had our massive fight on Cinco de Mayo two days after I mailed that parcel.
I sent it express, so that she could open it on her next appearance of Grab A Stack, on May 12. After our Cinco de Mayo fight, I attempted to reconcile with her on May 7 and 8. The parcel arrived on time, and I still had the show scheduled to proceed May 12. She was still welcome to join. She chose not to. The ironic thing was the pure schadenfreude I felt on May 12 when she attempted to go live on OnlyFans and failed due to technical issues! I had to laugh at that. She could have spent the day with me at the cottage on Grab A Stack of Rock, and instead sat at home doing nothing. Karma? The universe strikes back for snubbing me.
Even then, after all this, I still hadn’t given up completely. I thought there was still a remote chance we could get back to where we were. “I still think the ideal way to open your parcel is live on Grab A Stack, from the cottage, whenever you may want to try that again. I still want to do that. How do you feel about this idea?” Notice that I put no time limit on this: “Whenever you may want to try that again.”
This question took her almost 24 hours to answer so coldly. An unprecedented timespan. She’d never taken this much time to respond to me, ever before, even without the freezing cold words.
“Sorry I never got back to you yesterday. Things are a little busy right now. As for right now, I don’t think I’ll be able to join you live. I’m not sure what the future holds but for now I think that’s best. There’s just too much going on. I’m sorry.”
A lie. What a change. From saying she’d always make time for Grab A Stack, to this. I was heartbroken. I felt so hurt, so cold. It was a little white lie. She wasn’t “too busy”. She was almost always free Fridays at noon Pacific. She just took the weak way out.
Ironically, the parcel I sent her that contained her Lego doppelgänger also contained her own Grab A Stack merch: a tote bag and a sticker. Merch from a show that she had effectively resigned from.
I took a few hours to digest her rejection. As it turns out, it was the last time we ever spoke. May 16, 2023. I sent her the following message later that night.
“I’m going to be taking a short break away from OF. I need to take some time to absorb change. I need to refocus myself, and I am very sorry. I am sure you understand. I’ll be back when I feel like myself again. I hope not long.”
I served a liar with a another lie. She deserved it. I knew there was a good chance that I’d never feel like myself again. I intended to ghost her.
I stayed away for two weeks. Only May 29, I decided I didn’t like the feeling of how I left things, so I logged in and left one more message.
“I hope you are doing OK. I know you have a marathon coming first weekend of June, and I know you had tests with the oncologist, and I haven’t forgotten. I am still on break; I am not back. I have no idea how you feel about me at this moment. I have not read my messages or anything else, and because of my extreme anxiety, I won’t be. However I did want you to know that I am OK.”
That was a lie. I was pretty far from OK.
I stayed away for six more weeks. Eight weeks in total. Then I discovered those old messages about “always and forever” and I thought there might be something here worth saving. There must be.
After much hesitation, I logged in. Since my last login, there was nothing new waiting for me. No messages. Nothing since the final May 16th exchange. Admittedly I said I wouldn’t be reading…but the lack of anything at all left a bad feeling in my stomach. A very bad feeling. I already felt that it was a no-win scenario. Kobayashi Maru. The chances of saving the friendship were 99 to 1 at best. Logging in and seeing nothing at all…not even a comment or reassurance about that “I have no idea how you feel about me at this moment,” part. In my mind that was all I needed to know.
She didn’t care. She only cared as long as I was behaving as a fan. Fawning over her, flattering her. When that stopped, she changed. Cold and distant.
The message that ended my fanship with her, and probably ended her desire to be my friend.
Any number of things could have saved it. A simple message saying “I’m thinking about you.” Or, “I hope you are OK.” A picture of her Lego figure that I sent to her. I assume she unboxed my parcel months ago, but I don’t know. For all I know, it’s in a California landfill now. Especially the Grab A Stack tote bag. For Christ’s sake, she could have acknowledged my concern about her appointment with the cancer doctor. What a cold thing to do. What a cold person she must be in real life.
Upon seeing no messages from her, I didn’t know what to do. I called Jex. I called Jen into the room. With their support, and with them as witnesses, I killed my OnlyFans account right then and there, and all the messages and history that came with it. All nuked. I closed the last door. It is shut forever now. There is no going back.
I will never hear from her again. She made that abundantly clear. There is simply no way. Why would she? She can get all the attention she needs now by taking off her clothes. She doesn’t need me for that.
Still, I wonder. I see those old messages from the good days, and I wonder. Was it real? Was it just fantasy? A mixture of both, perhaps. I don’t believe that MarriedandHeels lives in the same real world that we do. I think I was an escape for her, and our friendship was just a fantasy. When she once asked me, “Would it be weird if I came to visit you at your cottage?” she was dreaming. She’d never be able to do that. I think she knew it too. But when she asked that question, I thought it was real. I thought it was so real that I even wrote Edie Van Heelin’s Canadian Vacation about it. Now I feel foolish. She talked about it seriously, but it was never going to happen, ever.
“I thought I was your friend,” I said to her on May 5. “Not a customer.”
“You are my friend,” she limply responded.
But I wasn’t. By the strictest definitions, I never was. In her sick fantasy world, it was a friendship…as long as I was her fan.
I am done trying. I invested too much of my heart and creativity into this. I used to spend time every morning, filming videos for her and sending clever messages. Every morning for almost nine months. I drove past a huge snowbank every day in the winter just to make a video for her mornings. I integrated her into my show, my fiction, my life. I put 200% into it, and got 10% back.
She ended it, not me. With her cold heart, and refusal to talk, she ended it. My conscience is clear. The death of this friendship, and all the resultant fallout, rests on her shoulders. Nobody else.
I wish her the best in her life, but she’s going to have to do it without her “always and forever” friend, the “real deal” that she “treasured”. She blew it, big time. “I am truly broken,” she claimed. Cry me a river, toxic girl and your creep of a pimp husband. She could have had me for the whole ride. Her loss. I am moving on.
* Her fake “social media name” that she misled me with for four months. Yes I do know her real name, and no for the thousandth time, I will not tell you. As far as I’m concerned her name is Mud.
** Her pimp went by the online name “Beard Daddy“, but I refuse to use that ridiculous name for someone who hates me. If you saw what he looked like, you’d understand why he found me so threatening!
*** This only scratches the surface. I could have said so, so much more about what was “allowed” and “not allowed” in this pay-to-play friendship. But I won’t. This chapter of my life is closed as are the comments. Money trumps Jesus for these “Christian” hypocrites. I know a Slayer song they might like.
**** Looking back…she wasn’t my brightest friend. She couldn’t spell “of course” correctly, and didn’t know what cyanide was. My brain is definitely healthier, being away from her “essential healing oils” and “salt for health”. I am better off without her.
***** If I have stopped just one person from sending her a gift, a tip, or even a compliment…then I have won.
The complete MarriedandHeels Collection on Grab A Stack of Rock.
Many of these videos are UNLISTED and EXCLUSIVE!
Undressing for the camera
Dressed as French maid
Topless in the Hot Tub
Strutting in Heels
Talking about yellow thigh-highs and a customer who needs a new balloon popping video every week
Dangling her Crocs
Crunching leaves in her Crocs
Pink spring wedges
Showing off Silver Outfit & Jewelry – Edie Van Heelin’
Tour of the Shoe Shed
Fuzzy socks on “oil treatment day”
Wedges
Lightsaber sound effects
Star Wars sound effects
Wedges
Custom Tjaina heels
T-strap heels
Pink heels & anklet
Brand new Nike’s gifted from me
On the passing of Christine McVie
Danging & removing her heel
Real Estate Agent Blowjob
Full Grab A Stack of Rock Interview Series with MarriedandHeels
“FAKE MONEY” – Arkells
Oh you’re just a boy, a little banker boy Everything’s a game, and everyone’s your toy While everyone was sleeping, dreaming dumb-ass dreams You’re praying to gods who are meaningless to me You’re preying on the weak, and those who don’t believe
Oh it’s just a game, a silly little game Everyone’s a fool so you don’t take any blame Entitled narcissism, you speak courageously You’re praying to gods who are meaningless to me You’re preying on the weak and those who don’t believe
Oh, it’s nothing but fake money Yeah, it’s nothing but fake money (oh!)
We’re just a bunch of fools, stupid little fools In a condescending voice you explain to us the rules So share with us your wisdom, about how it’s gonna be You’re praying to gods who are meaningless to me You’re preying on the weak, and those who don’t believe
Oh you’re just a boy, a brazen little boy When everything’s a battle, there’s tactics to deploy Standing while you’re sleeping, you’re always on your feet Winning’s your religion, the alter where you preach It’s easy setting fires, we’re all just currency You’re praying to gods who are meaningless to me You’re preying on the weak, and those who don’t believe
Remember it’s nothing but fake money Yeah, it’s nothing but fake money And you’re some cowboy at High Noon You’re playing a board game up in a board room
Remember it’s nothing but fake money Yeah, it’s nothing but fake money And you’re some cowboy at High Noon You’re playing a board game up in a board room
Remember it’s nothing but fake money Yeah, it’s nothing but fake money And you’re some cowboy at High Noon You’re just a bored kid alone in your bedroom.
You’ve been daddied by all the dudes that were not dad And all of those dads never gave you the things That you should have had
It ain’t always what it seems When you cling onto a dream It ain’t always there to please you But he’s the guy you wanna do And you know that it takes two Luckily he wants to do you too Satan Lucifer Osculum obscenum
RECORD STORE TALES #1067: I Tried! (Shirts and Shoes Must be Worn)
Roughly a year ago, I was decided I was done with live streams. A few months later, I also decided that I was done with writing about music. I killed my Def Leppard review series, unfinished. And why should I have continued? I was burned out. I was cynical and jaded, and after 10 years of writing my ass off, I was ungrateful for what I had achieved and only jealous of the things I hadn’t.
Pandemic times were different, and I thrived during lockdowns with writing, live streaming and connecting with people that way. People like Tim Durling and Marco D’Auria came into my life during that time, as we connected virtually. Those days had to end as we all returned to our lives. As expected, people stopped watching live streams in the numbers I was used to. They also stopped reading reviews.
I worked hard on my stuff. I was upset nobody was reading. I decided to basically burn it all down and stop cold turkey. I was done writing about music. Or so I thought.
Around the same time, connecting with Joelle the California Girl, known to her “fans” as MarriedandHeels, I became more interested in writing things like fiction, and creating short videos. I thought I’d spend less time researching music and more time drinking soda pop and filming my reaction, and why not? Dare I say why not? I was getting the same amount of views either way, effort or no effort! She happened to show up at a time in my life when I was 110% burned out, running on fumes, and looking at a future of seasonal affective disorder and a big dental surgery.
I carried on, trying on different hats. I put California Girl on Grab A Stack of Rock, got lots of views, and thought I was winning. I tried. I definitely tried. As we have seen, my attempts to create a heels empire on YouTube have imploded. It was worth a shot and for a time, I thought it was working. I mean, I guess it was, but her world and my world were…well, worlds apart! Her fans made it unambiguously clear that they preferred her stripshow to my “shirts and shoes must be worn” YouTube version.And, well, I’ll admit that I preferred dental surgery to her fans! That ultimately failed. But I tried!
I can’t believe she did this. On her live stream February 10, 2023, she asked her “fans” if they preferred Grab A Stack of Rock, or her stripshow. I was horrified. Of course they preferred seeing her taking her clothes off. She set me up to fail and then tried to reassure me it wasn’t intentional. It was awful.
I will single out a few names here because in my time trying to bounce back regarding California Girl’s sudden departure from Grab A Stack of Rock, I’ve really leaned hard on certain people. Jexciter, Aaron KMA, Robert Daniels, Tim Durling, Chris Sarre and my wife Jen have been instrumental in helping me stay focused on the things that count. I have a mental health team advising distance over reconnection. With the help and advice of these people, I am slowly returning my focus back to music, and people seem to have responded. We’re doing list shows again – the Nigel Tufnel Top Ten is back! Uncle Meat would have been glad to see this. Jex Russell has helped give the show a shot in the arm, no matter the subject matter. He was there for both the heels era, and the post-heels comeback! He has a certain perspective that matches well with the fun side of the show that I like to present. So, as Paul Stanley says, “Welcome to the Show!” Glad to have him with this great team.
The future is looking up! There may be a summer break coming up for yours truly, but rest assured, any breaks this time are not born from a cynical outlook. Any break this summer are due to some simple, undeniable facts.
The breeze coming off the lake in the evenings is pretty refreshing, and a computer screen tends to block it too much.
I can choose to prioritize me without feeling guilty or bitter about it.
Sometimes it pays just to listen to music without spending too much time thinking or talking about it.
Yet there are times that the music just begs to be discussed, and when that happens, I’ll be ready to do so. And hopefully put a smile on your faces while doing it.
RECORD STORE TALES #1066: The Road to 25 –Grab A Stack of Drama
What a strange trip it’s been!
This week, we are celebrating 25 episodes of Grab A Stack of Rock. There were times I didn’t think we would even make it this far. Some history:
I killed the LeBrain Train after the July 15 2022 episode, a Mystique movie interview with Marco D’Auria and special guest Martin Popoff. I was tired. It was the third inteview in three weeks and views were down, down, down. An argument in June with one of my former co-hosts cemented my decision to kill the show. It wasn’t worth the drama it was causing to me.
One door closes and another opens. Two weeks later I met the California Girl, and like a breath of fresh air, I began plotting how to do an interview with her on my show. She had hit 200,000 followers herself on Instagram, just launched an OnlyFans, and I thought why not. I liked her content, but we were friends. I really bonded with her. She needed time to work herself up to it, and I let her take that time.
Meanwhile, my former co-host had an idea for a future show, and said “why don’t you just grab some stacks of rock and show them off? That could be a show.”
The show rolled on, and we brought back some of our favourite guests to help out: Aaron KMA, Tim Durling, John T. Snow, Robert Daniels and Marco D’Auria were among our first guests. But I was having trouble booking the same co-host who conceived of grabbing stacks of rock in the first place. Drama, unfortunately, would mark the show from that point forward.
California Girl made her debut appearance on the November 25 show for our “Ask Harrison” segment. Reception to her debut was confused. Who was this girl in the short skirt and fishnets, and why? But I was determined to bring her in as the newest member of our crew. She expressed interest in being my new “guy in the window”, a concept I wanted to steal from the Tom Green Show. He had a guy, Phil, who just drank coffee in a window and laughed. Chris Sarre didn’t want to be that, but California Girl thought it would be fun, so I kept including her, week after week, with “Ask Harrison” until she was ready for her real life debut. We finally did that with a pre-taped episode on January 3. It was our 10th Grab A Stack of Rock episode, and most popular to date with over 1000 views. She was ready to go live next time. A huge triumph, but little did I know that everything would change in just a few short months.
On January 20 we did another popular show, Dr. Kathryn’s debut, with the Karate Kid. Apparently, our karate was a joke, because afterwards I had a final fight with the former co-host who came up with this concept in the first place, and I ejected him from the show permanently. To put it simply, it wasn’t working anymore, professionally or personally. We did not have the same goals or ideas. Ending the friendship was difficult, but not as hard as the argument I had with him the previous summer. This was more like anticlimax.
I started cancelling shows due to stress and illness. February 17 was cancelled after my grandmother and other family members got sick. March 17 was cancelled due to illness. We tried again on March 24, which almost got cancelled as well. I actually had Covid! California Girl showed up for a surprise cameo that night, but unfortunately, she and I were soon to be heading in different directions. She was now comfortable enough to do her own mature-themed live streams on OnlyFans.
The final show of April was almost cancelled due to more last-minute drama. I haven’t discussed this part publicly yet, but I am ready to now. On her own live stream, California Girl began going topless April 28. This was a line I was unwilling to cross with someone I considered a friend, and so I declined to watch. I don’t think she understood this. I’d seen her in lingerie, so what’s a little less material? Enough to bring me out of my comfort zone. Things got tense in the following days, though we did schedule her next show for May 12. Before we could even get there, I failed to show up for my Cinco de Mayo Metallica show, as my friendship with California Girl finally erupted into an inevitable argument only minutes before the show was scheduled. Once again she had gone topless that day, and once again, she suggested I watch. I told her I’d never seen a friend of mine topless before and I wanted to talk about it, which she refused to do. Though I tried, our friendship will never recover from this massive fight. I was absolutely shattered by her cold heart.
On May 16, after waiting almost 24 hours for an answer, California Girl declined to participate in a future unboxing episode to show off the Lego minifigure that Harrison custom made-to-order for her. It was the first time she ever flat-out declined. Even though it was only four days after our scheduled appearance, she said she was “a little busy”, and the future uncertain. Her message lacked specifics and I was forced to read between the lines, so I considered this her resignation from the show. My heart was broken, again. As an added kick in the teeth, I keep getting regular hits from “social media girls forums” looking for her nude pictures. Just a reminder of the subject that triggered everything falling apart in the first place. But one door closes…and another opens. California Girl may have elected not to spend her summer at the cottage with me Grabbing Stacks of Rock, but other friends have stepped up.
The hardest show to date was June 16, the day that Jen had a seizure, did a faceplant, and insisted that the show must go on. I’m glad she did. I’ve cancelled enough shows. I haven’t missed a show since May 5, though a break is overdue. I don’t want to burn out like I did after over two years of LeBrain Train.
As summer hits, I don’t know where this show is going. I know that guys like Harrison and Jex are willing to step up any time they can. I’ve lost two of my closest friends in six months, and this fucking show always seems to be connected. I currently have a love/hate relationship with it. It serves as a reminder of two shattered relationships. There are episodes that I was proud of, that I’ll never re-watch because they are just too painful to me now.
But we fall and we bounce back. Having Spenny on the May 20 show was a real coup. It felt like coming back to the kind of stuff we used to do on the LeBrain Train, with heavy prep and research leading to great content. I hope we can continue to do great shows this summer despite the shakeups and changes of plans. I hope the wounds with my friends eventually heal. I hope they are doing well, even if they don’t want to do my show. I just want them to be well.
Summer’s here and the time is right for Grabbing Stacks of Rock. Help me out, watch a show and leave a comment. I can’t keep going without you. I don’t want to stop.
Mike
Oh! And kudos to Jex for sneaking in that topless joke on the June 24 cottage show! That was fucking hilarious, man.
RECORD STORE TALES #1055: Sex Sells (But Fur Sells Better)
Long story “short”:
Recently, Deke started getting decent views on his YouTube Shorts. I think the idea originated within the Community from Brent Jensen, who likes to make short clips from the highlights of his Thursday Night Record Club videos. So Deke tried it, and had some success. Jex Russell said to me, “Hey man, you should try YouTube Shorts too!”
Sounds good! But how? I asked Deke, but he’s being kind of a dick, and he advised me to check out some Google tutorials as that could explain it better. I stumbled through it, and eventually got some videos to work.
I started with a couple shorts. Like Deke, I chose highlights from the live Grab A Stack of Rock shows. I chose two to start: both with my co-host MarriedAndHeels showing off her shoes. Let’s face it: even though the videos were not “adult”*, sex still sells and heels are sexy. I had some moderate success. I was excited to get a few hundred views on each. I kept going! I uploaded an Alice Cooper clip from MuchMusic to my Youtube Shorts, got a couple hundred more views.
Then a MarriedAndHeels video of her lovely Easter manicure went crazy and broke 1800 views! I knew I was onto something! A video of her hot T-strap heels got similar views.
I have a tricky problem. It’s the same problem I have here on WordPress: No direction. I started out talking music, but that got stale (and the hits dried up). I decided to cover toys, games, soda pop, nature, and of course, high heels too. So there’s no actual direction. Nothing for a subscriber to latch onto and say “I like this channel”. But that is my problem, a self-made problem. I like lots of different content myself, and there’s no point in starting multiple channels. So this is the bed that I made.
Here’s what I didn’t expect.
It is true that I wanted to exploit heels for views, and it definitely works. MarriedAndHeels gets five times as many views when she’s on Grab A Stack of Rock than any other guest. She gets double the views of any rock star I’ve interviewed. The only guest who ever got more views than her is Martin Popoff. So, yeah. I cynically said “Let’s get the Instagram Queen of Heels on the show and see what happens.” I’ve been wanting to get her on the show since last summer, because I knew she’d be great for views. People who don’t even care about the heels, enjoy watching us chat. So that was successful from an artistic point of view. The numbers are a nice bonus.
But I found something that sells even better than sexy nails and heels.
I uploaded a chipmunk. That got 2000 views. I uploaded another. That got 3000 views. Then, a raccoon. 2000 more views!
Sex sells – but furry critters sell even more!
Good thing summer is coming! There will be lots and lots of cottage critters to upload to YouTube Shorts. I’ve probably made a total of about 10 cents from all these videos, but everything adds up!
YouTube is tricky, and you have to constantly feed it new content or everything dries up. With the help of several furry friends, this will hopefully be easy to do this summer!
* On every MarriedAndHeels short, YouTube flagged them as adult content even though nothing was adult. I won every review.
The complete MarriedandHeels Collection on Grab A Stack of Rock.
Many of these videos are UNLISTED and EXCLUSIVE!
Undressing for the camera
Dressed as French maid
Topless in the Hot Tub
Strutting in Heels
Talking about yellow thigh-highs and a customer who needs a new balloon popping video every week
Dangling her Crocs
Crunching leaves in her Crocs
Pink spring wedges
Showing off Silver Outfit & Jewelry – Edie Van Heelin’
Tour of the Shoe Shed
Fuzzy socks on “oil treatment day”
Wedges
Lightsaber sound effects
Star Wars sound effects
Wedges
Custom Tjaina heels
T-strap heels
Pink heels & anklet
Brand new Nike’s gifted from me
On the passing of Christine McVie
Danging & removing her heel
Real Estate Agent Blowjob
Full Grab A Stack of Rock Interview Series with MarriedandHeels
The below story will be kept intact with the addendum that I was wrong about everything. This is a tale about being careful who you trust.
RECORD STORE TALES #1031: I Wish They All Could Be California Girls
2022 has certainly been an interesting year, but aren’t they all? Let’s look back at the last five: 2018 was the year of cancer. 2019 was the year of taking our summer back. And everything since then has been a nail-biting rollercoaster of barely hanging on! Even though the last three years feel like a giant pile-on of same-old-same-old, other things do not. Friendships for example. Each friendship is unique. Each person I collaborate with is unique. I’m grateful for all of them. With Harrison, I get to write our amazing series The Adventures of Tee Bone Man — a new thing we began in March of 2022. With Tee Bone himself we come up with new music and theme songs. With Uncle Meat, we come up with show ideas. The list goes on. I value collaboration as one of the most fun activities that creativity brings to me.
In 2022, I unexpectedly met a new collaborator and together we’ve started to explore some fun creative chemistry. Without repeating myself too much, music fans often have a knack for finding each other, and so California Girl and I crossed paths for the first time this year. The fact that she liked the kind of content I was producing was a surprise to me. On the surface, she didn’t look like my typical target audience (usually obsessive-compulsive music geeks with a side collection of stuff that isn’t to be played, just admired with the eyes). I suppose one of the first things I learned from California Girl was not to judge books by their covers. She might not collect physical music like a lot of us, but she’s passionate enough about the rock to name pretty much every pet in her household after musicians. Good musicians. Trust me, she doesn’t own a dog named Ed Sheeran or anything like that. But you did meet her kitten Fleetwood on the Grab a Stack of Rock show a few weeks ago, when she offered up some heartfelt words for the dearly missed Christine McVie.
I will tell you this. Though she loves classic rock, her kryptonite is Deep Purple. Just can’t get into Purple!
She even likes Lego. I used to think we were cool here in Kitchener, because we have a Lego store up in St. Jacobs. Well, she has Legoland!
We are mutual fans. She likes my writing, and I like what she does! I’ve never met an Instagram model with 200,000 followers before. Jen and I are both fans. We love her fashion sense, her incredible collection of shoes, and her sense of humour. It’s such an unlikely thing on the surface, but she’s more than just a hot pair of legs in sexy heels. We are both collectors, and though we collect different things, the passion for it is identical.
We share similar values especially when it comes to things like family, bullying, and kindness. As we talked, we realized we had a lot more in common than just bands and shows that we liked. There were some life experiences that we shared, and that plus the timing of the whole thing just ended up leading to friendship. I was anticipating some upcoming hardships. I’ve been open about my seasonal depression, but on top of that I was dealing with the impending dread of dental surgery. Dread which wound up being justified, but that’s not important to this story. I needed support and not the kind of support I was getting from other friends. Which is not a slight against other friends — I have learned that each friendship has its own unique qualities and strengths. When it came to my dental surgery, I was getting a lot of “You’ll be fine!” messages, which I was after a spell, but wasn’t the kind of support I was really seeking. I was really looking for more understanding about my anxieties and why I was feeling the way I was. I got that support from California Girl. She was there for me (virtually speaking) through the whole thing, from the weeks building up, to the incredibly difficult recovery period.
That support led to our first public collaboration, which was a song selection during my “Teeth Week” posts. But that was not our first actual collaboration. Together we began writing the Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’. This character, based on a superhero version of her (sound familiar?) became quite fun for us to invent. The first chapter involved me meeting her, rocking a club as lead guitar player of the all-female Van Halen tribute band Van Heelin’. We had an (unreleased) adventure with aliens and Tommy Lee, and eventually we came up with one story that was good enough for public consumption. And it was a blast to do. And more is coming.
Here’s one funny thing about my collaborators. With Harrison on the other side of the world, we have a narrow window of time to work together, with only the few hours before either of us are going to bed. If I come up with a load of ideas mid-day, I have to wait until Harrison wakes up before he’ll be able to read them. With California Girl there’s a similar situation. We’re both early risers, but I’ve got a three hour head start. Oftentimes I’ll have written a first draft before she’s had her morning tea.
Speaking of tea, it is true that I need more positive influences in my life. California Girl is definitely a positive influence. Not only is she able to see things from perspectives I hadn’t considered, but she’s slowly getting me to try to cut down the coffee and soda pop. So tea and flavoured water have been coming back into my life.
I’ll tell you a secret. When we first started talking, I’d try to impress her. I’d send her pictures of me writing away on the front porch of the cottage on a Friday morning. “Check out my beautiful scenery and squirrels,” that kind of shtick. Little did I know that California has beauty rivalling my cottage hideaway. But she loved the pictures and videos anyway, especially the squirrels. Here I am showing off our huge Canadian black squirrels, but meanwhile, her morning run has peacocks on it. Peacocks! Just standing around in the middle of the sidewalk! I’ve never seen a peacock outside a zoo!
Sending her these cottage photos gave me an idea. Since I hated winter so much, maybe I could send her photos and videos of our winters here in Canada, and get her reaction. That oughta be fun.
Except there’s been hardly any snow this winter! She’s had more snow so far on her mountain road trips! Last week she sent me a message. “You know, I’m starting to wonder if you actually are from Canada.” I had to laugh.
In 2023 I look forward to collaborating further and finding out what else we can cook up. There will be more Adventures of Edie Van Heelin’, including crossovers. There will be more “Ask Harrison” questions for the live shows. There will be more Lego art. As much as I’ve learned to expect life dealing out surprises, this has been one surprise that I sure didn’t see coming. I never expected an Instagram influencer with over 200,000 followers would be a fan of mine, and a collaborator, and a friend. That has been one pretty cool surprise. I’m still a little starstruck to be honest, but I shouldn’t be.
Can’t wait to see what 2023 brings. Happy New Year to the California Girl!
Too bad she was never totally honest with me about the true nature of our friendship. Pay, or nothing! I have ejected this negative influence from my life. I have never been so terribly wrong about a person before.
Don’t waste your summer without visiting The Beaches.
With influences from the Go-Gos through alternative and surf rock, The Beaches have found an intoxicating sound perfect for summer partying. Their debut long player Late Show is chock full of fun, energetic and catchy songs. A couple of hit singles (“Money” and “T-Shirt”) are storming the charts, and a Juno win this year has raised their profile considerably. Armed with an album produced by members of Metric, it is now their time.
Singer/bassist Jordan Miller is the lynchpin. She can wail but tends to keep it subtle. The songs swing from slinky to punk. The Beaches are at their best when delivering sheer hooks caked in attitude. That’s what made “Money” such a perfect single. The simple, understated guitar hook works its way into your brain, and it’s topped with a punchy chorus. The Beaches can write songs. Most are credited to the four band members. Some bands are afraid to showcase candy-coated hooks, but The Beaches have the confidence for it. The hooks are paired with biting rock guitars, keeping the edges sharp. They never let the pacing slip, and they keep things fun. It’s right there in the lyrics to “T-Shirt”: “Don’t take me so serious. I just like to make a fuss.”
There are plenty of tunes that pack the goods. “Gold” has a knack for sticking. Even the slower tunes like “Highway 6” and “Back of My Heart” have an unexpected catchiness. “Keeper” is a like a blast from the late 80s, and “Sweet Life” is a jolt of caffeine at the end.
I’m exposed to a lot of music through the radio. I am lucky enough to hear roughly seven hours of radio at work every day. I feel a bit like Milton from the classic movie Office Space. “I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.”
I just celebrated my 10 years at my job. There was always a bit of a battle between staff and receptionists over the radio. You see, everybody’s desk phone gets the radio piped in from the same station. It was also the “on hold” music for incoming callers. When I first started, the station was Chym FM. That was a downstep from my prior job at United Rentals, who had Dave FM and all the rock and roll that entailed. But soon enough, my current job switched the station to Dave, after several complaints about the repeat repeat repeat of Chym.
This went back and forth, back and forth, between Dave and Chym. Some clients who were on hold would tell me, “I was really enjoying your AC/DC there.” The receptionist really hated Dave, though. One afternoon she switched us over to a new country station. (That ended swiftly!) Eventually I determined the best course of action was for me to turn off my phone radio, and just bring in my own. So that’s what I did and for the last many years I’ve had my own radio tuned to Dave. I’m happy that this small luxury is accommodated. Rock and roll ain’t noise pollution.
Dave introduced me to many bands that I love today. The Arkells, Monster Truck, Greta Van Fleet and July Talk are just a few from the last couple years. I’m really grateful I get to hear great music every day. The good bands more than make up for the Nickelback, Three Days Grace, My Darkest Days, and other assorted shit they’re forced to play.
The other day, a younger guy at work named Leo came up to me and asked, “Have you heard of the band The Beaches?”
“No,” I answered immediately. “Let me Google them.”
I pulled them up, had a look at the four women that make up the band, and read a few blurbs. “Undertook a tour in 2011 opening for Allstar Weekend” was the line that jumped out, and I said simply, “Yeah, they suck.” Leo laughed that I could know such a thing in 60 seconds of Googling but my judgement had been declared.
I continued reading. “Album was produced by Emily Haines and James Shaw of Metric.” Metric? Hey, they’re cool. They probably wouldn’t produce shit. I approached Leo and told him of my new research. I re-opened the case of The Beaches.
Time goes by. A song comes on the radio. “Here’s ‘Money’, by The Beaches, on Dave Rocks,” said Craig.
Holy shit, The Beaches on Dave Rocks? I put down my pen and listened. It was a song I already knew and liked, but couldn’t remember who it was by. I assumed the singer of “Money” was a guy. Somebody with a high voice, like the guy from Royal Blood, maybe. It turns out, I already liked The Beaches. A band that I declared “sucked” after looking at a Wikipedia page.
Well, fuck me!
That should teach me about judging bands by appearances (a lesson I should have learned decades ago). Double dumb-ass on me. I didn’t even guess the gender of the singer correctly, while declaring that they sucked, also while already liking their single. Triple dumb-ass on me!
So who are The Beaches anyway? Toronto sisters Jordan and Kylie Miller are on lead vocals/bass and guitars respectively. They were joined by friend Eliza Enman-McDaniel on drums, and a guitarist named Megan Fitchett. They formed a teen pop rock band called Done With Dolls (a pretty cool name for an all-girl teen pop band) and it was actually they, not The Beaches, who toured with Allstar Weekend. This early Done With Dolls incarnation does not resemble the band they transitioned to. In 2013 Fitchett left and they took on double threat Leandra Earl (guitars/keyboards). They evolved into a sleeker garage rock band. Their image became cooler with a 60s and 70s-inspired evolution. Yet they still have bite.
Check out that irresistibly simple guitar riff. The backing keyboards of Leandra Earl give it some depth, and then the chorus jumps right out. With tunes this good, Jordan Miller won’t have to worry about making money. It’s gonna happen.
Unlike my crush on Avril Lavigne 15 years ago, nobody can accuse me of liking The Beaches just because they’re attractive. Turns out, I liked them when I thought they were dudes.
The title track to their debut LP Late Show is real punk rock, via Debbie Harry and the Go-Gos. It alleviates any question that these girls will kick your ass. They will indeed, and you will like it. It really is easy to like these energetic tunes.
Don’t be surprised if you hear more about The Beaches as summer approaches. Their music sounds like a good fit for summer action, whether in your car or at a party. The buzz is building. They were nominated for Breakthrough Group of the Year for the 2018 Juno awards, taking place this Sunday (March 25). Keep your eye on The Beaches and wish them luck at the Junos!
RECORD STORE TALES Part 283: Shopping at Other Stores
Straight from my old journal: This is what can happen when Record Store guys go shopping at the competition! Keep in mind these are 2005 prices, not 2014 prices.
Date: 2005/12/12 21:34
Forgive me for praising the “competition” tonight, but I just got home from HMV.
I have no idea how it’s possible to have titles like Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Ummagumma, and Ben Harper’s double Live From Mars, all on sale at 2-for-$30. Ummagumma has a regular price tag of $46.99 on it! Yet they were selling them at 2 for $30! INSANE. I could buy three of ’em for less than it would cost to buy ONE. That is so…fucked up! So I got one of those, and A Collection Of Great Dance Songs remastered. (Strictly for the “new” version of Money.)
And then I sent an email to a co-worker:
I was at HMV tonight, and they have a CRAZY 2/$30 sale on. Check this photo out. That’s right, Pink Floyd UMMAGUMMA remastered for $15. If you buy one, it’s $46 bucks. If you buy two…it’s $15 each. Crazy. BUT they had a bunch of Beatles and a few Stones as well. Double live Ben Harper, all kinds of crazy stuff. I don’t know what you still need for yourself or even gifts, but that kind of sale is worth taking advantage of.
Cool huh? I still have those albums too. I kind of like that I will always have a record of the exact date and circumstances of purchase.
mikeladano.com 