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GUEST REVIEW: Europe – War of Kings (2015) by Jesse A. Jones

For Tommy Morais’ excellent 4/5 star review of this album, click here, and to skip directly to the comment that started it all, click here!

GUEST REVIEW by academic and rock fan “Jesse A. Jones”*

WAR OF KINGSEUROPE – War of Kings (2015 UDR)

The Swedish rock band Europe stormed onto the charts in the mid 1980’s with uplifting keyboard oriented pop rock, written by singer and founder Joey Tempest, a golden fluffy-haired gifted soul.  Then their slide down the charts began.  Albums like Out of This World sold fewer and fewer copies and the band finally broke up in the early 90’s, amid rumours that even their own mothers now preferred The Hives.

Unfortunately for fans and the band, these would be the last great albums Europe would make!  The fact that mainstream rock magazines still praise Europe is shocking nonsense.  It’s hard to believe anyone buys that stupidity!  There has not been a real “Europe” in 26 years!  It’s a conspiracy involving many producers, record label execs, musicians, writers, FIFA and the worldwide media cartel as a whole.  The Bilberbergers know but say nothing, while the Rothschilds remain silent.  I have proof written on the back of a beer mat that in 1994 Matt Groening was forced to rewrite a Futurama episode that obliquely referenced the scandal.  Shadowy elements of the secret world government have stifled independent thought and critical opinions, ensuring we will all remain unquestioning and loyal, to both our governments and rock bands alike!

Well, ladies and gentlemen it is my sworn duty to tell you the truth and I will not be silenced, or my integrity bought for 30 pieces of record company silver!

The problem is the Europe of today has nothing in common with the real group Europe that topped the charts in 1987.  Literally. Committing a conspiracy of great scale, they have been secretly and knowingly touring with an imposter singer since 1989!  Their last horrible and fake albums (lifeless and without soul) were not written by the real Joey Tempest.  Without Joey’s talent and unique abilities, the band is a lost joke; twisted and sad – imagine, it would be like Deep Purple without Nick Simper – just unthinkable!

The truth remains shrouded in mystery.  The only details now known, thanks to a covert informant “C.A.”, is that the imposter Joey forced out the real Joey sometime in 1989, using a complex web of lies and half-truths. Plastic surgeons and vocal coaches helped the fake Joey in his goals, and were paid off for their silence, or disappeared.  Some say that the real reason that the late celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Fredric Brandt suffered from depression was keeping this whole thing secret.  Then, having successfully replaced Joey without anyone noticing, Europe continued to tour with a new voice and face fronting the band, raking in millions.  It is quite remarkable that very few fans have noticed this imposter.  “Joey’s” voice changed on 1991’s Prisoner’s in Paradise album but the complicit media have either ignorantly or purposely covered it up.  Fans have wondered why Joey’s hair style and hair colour changed on that album, assuming it was just a superficial change.  Little did they know that the head and face behind the hair had also changed! Joey would NEVER let his hair go flat like that! Wake up people!

JOEY THEN NOW

Europe with the imposter have made a semi-successful go of it, edging themselves towards world domination, even placing third in Sweden’s Got Talent in 2013, but for an unknown, sinister purpose.  True fans, distinguishable from the herd by their password ‘Cherokee – marching on the trail of tears’, who know and appreciate the talents of the real Joey, have wondered what happened, but no-one listens.  As for the fake fans, how could YOU do this to the real Joey?  How could YOU not even notice this shadow of a Joey up there on stage singing fake odes to “Carrie”?  Shame on the fans, and most of all shame on the band for not stopping this charade 26 years ago!

Just look at the songs here!  “Children of the Night”.  The real Joey would never have written a song about “children of the night”,  “California 405” is the highway that O.J. Simpson was chased down – a definite clue that there was something more going on here than meets the eye!  Why would Europe specifically reference that notorious highway unless they were implying some sort of wrongdoing behind the scenes?

Just listen to the song “Praise You” on this album.  As if the real Joey would have written “Praise You”!  This rude, obscene imposter has terrible lyrics and evil facial expressions.   He is a demonic devil from hell who only cares for himself, not the fans and certainly not the spirit of the original Joey – with the voice, face and hair of an angel.  The real Joey gave the fans everything he had.  His reward was being ousted by an imposter who now receives all the love and praise from ignorant and deceived “fans” who are too stupid to notice the difference.  His only goal in this world is to lie and fool as many fans as possible while he laughs raking in the money!  No talent, no soul, no voice!  That’s the fake Joey right there.  Just listen to War Of Kings, it’s as if he and the whole band are actively setting out to destroy the affection of the fans and ruin the legacy of the band as a whole.  Well I won’t sit idly by and let this happen! No sir!

Some will say, “Well you are wrong.  His hair and voice change with style and age.”  No.  Look at his eyes.  They are not the same eyes, you can see the yawning chasms of hellfire deep in those pupils.  Joey tried to warn you what was happening.  Read the lyrics to “Stranger on the Track”!  Make sense now?  Joey was warning you that “danger” was on his back and nobody listened.  Joey stood for love and the truth!  Long live love!  Long live the truth!  One day Joey will return and prove this all to be true, with the original angelic voice of Europe!

It is hard though to bear this burden, sometimes even I start to doubt, but then I only have to look down at the words tattooed on my thigh; words of inspiration, words of power, the real Joey’s words and I find the strength to go on, in his name.

Rock now, rock the night
‘Til early in the morning light
Rock now, rock the night
You’d better believe it’s right.

No rating

* Professor Emeritus of Applied Conspiracy at the University of Punkeydoodles Corners and author of ‘Paul Is Dead: The Amazing Beatles Conspiracy’, ‘Lennon Lives! Why John Isn’t Dead’ and ‘George! Satan’s Favorite Beatle’.

MOVIE REVIEW: “Weird Al” Yankovic- UHF (1989)

“Hey!  These floors are dirty as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!” – Stanley Spadowski

UHF_0001“Weird Al” Yankovic – UHF (1989 MGM, 2002 DVD)

I never understood why this brilliant, family friendly and absurd comedy wasn’t a hit.  Weird Al never made another movie, such was the box office failure.  UHF was simply ahead of its time.  Today, viewers familiar with the Family Guy and modern comedy will “get” the tangents and bizarre fantasy sequences.  Also, it’s important to remember that this great cast was barely known at the time.  Michael Richards was pre-Seinfeld.  Fran Drescher had yet to become the Nanny.  David Proval was years away from playing Tony Soprano’s nemesis in season two.  The only one I’d heard of in 1989 was Billy Barty!

George Newman (Yankovic) is an unemployed dreamer who lands a crummy job managing a UHF TV station on the verge of bankruptcy and permanent closure.  He just can’t focus, constantly losing himself in rich, heroic dreamscapes.  Weird Al as Indiana Jones…Weird Al as Rambo…Weird Al as Mark Knopfler…Can he use his imagination to help the TV station survive?  If he doesn’t, his girlfriend Terri (Victoria Jackson) isn’t likely to stick around for long.  Fortunately George’s best friend Bob (David Bowe) is there to help.

The station, U-62, comes with its own assortment of personalities. Pamela (Drescher) is the hard working receptionist dying to make the move to on-camera.  Noodles McIntosh (Billy Barty) is a 3’9″ camera man!  And then there’s Filo, the “chief engineer” who actually lives at the station.  (He’s currently working on his interocitor, a reference from the 1955 science fiction classic This Island Earth.  If you’ve seen This Island Earth, remember that reference next time you watch UHF.  Get it?)

IMG_20150109_182755

Unfortunately for George Newman, Channel 8 across town doesn’t want U-62 to succeed. RJ Fletcher (Kevin McCarthy) wants to buy it and turn it into a parking lot.  Fletcher, a prick, also cruelly fires his best janitor Stanley Spadowski (Michael Richards) over a misunderstanding.  Newman hires Stanley, and even buys him a new mop.  His old one, which Fletcher’s goons confiscated, was a birthday gift from his mom.

Newman introduces some new shows to U-62 (Wheel of Fish, Raul’s Wild Kingdom, Secrets of the Universe, Uncle Nutzy’s Clubhouse), but nothing really takes off until Stanley is given his own show, Stanley Spadowski’s Clubhouse.  His crazy personality endears him to all ages and his show becomes the hottest in town.  RJ Fletcher, however, doesn’t intend to let the station’s success continue.  Can George and his friends raise enough money to save the station?

UHF is very special for a few reasons.  One is that Weird Al does parody better than anyone.  The parodies of Geraldo, Rambo, Ghandi, Conan the Barbarian, and more are still being quoted by fans today.  Then there’s Michael Richards.  The great thing about Michael Richards, says Al, is that you can just “turn him on and tell him to go crazy for two minutes”, and that seems to be how most of the Stanley Spadowski scenes seem to work.  And it’s brilliant.  Kids who saw this movie in the 80’s loved Stanley.  He’s not only an innocent soul who loves cleanliness, but he’s absolutely whacky, hilarious, lovable and loyal.  Third, the movie has a good heart.  It celebrates imagination, uniqueness and loyalty, qualities that we all value. And of course it also has those random, rapidly changing sketch comedy bits, not too different from Monty Python and SCTV in style.  It’s actually intelligent comedy.

The audio commentary on this DVD is great  — even Michael Richards stops by to chat.  The deleted scenes are a stream of cut bits, but Weird Al’s intro and commentary makes it hilarious.  They  weren’t in the movie because they suck, says Al!  But if they didn’t put them on the DVD, we’d all be whining that they didn’t include any deleted scenes.  He has a point!   Some characters and shows (such as “Those Darn Homos”, which seems to be about two men who chase each other around a room trying to spank each other with spatulas) were cut completely from the film, so this is the only place you’d see them.  As is usually the case, the movie is better for the cuts made.  Additionally there is a short behind the scenes doc, explaining the origin of “Wheel of Fish” and more.  Al and the cast aren’t serious in the interviews, which are hilarious:

Q:  “Why do they call you Weird Al?”

A: “I don’t know, I guess people are basically cruel.  I don’t know why they call me Al.”

There’s a huge photo gallery, standard fare for a DVD, and they’re fun but non-essential. The music video for “UHF” is present (the first time he shaved off his moustache, to play Axl Rose!), an indispensable companion piece.  Even the menus are awesome, with Al himself popping up and acting silly. My only real beef about the DVD is this:  It’s one of those double sided discs with widescreen on one side and full screen on the other.  But the deleted scenes are only on the full screen side, so you have to eject and flip the disc just to watch them, because nobody watches full screen anymore.

Do you wanna drink from the fire hose?  Then get UHF.  It’s out on Blu-ray, too.

4.5/5 stars