WTF Comments III: Joakim Larsson edition
The world of Rock and Roll fandom is filled with many varieties: The Uber Fan who owns everything, the Casual Fan who owns what they want, and the Obsessed Fan. They have a complete set of Tico Torres’ toe nails, and a collection of restraining orders against them. These are just some examples. There are many more fan types, across every genre of music. While I’m usually more interested in the collections of the Uber Fan, sometimes the Obsessed can provide hours of entertaining befuddlement.
Based on limited exposure to one of these categories, we at LeBrain HQ have scientifically determined that the rock band Europe have an inordinate amount of Obsessed Fans. What it is specifically that attracts them to the authors of “Let the Good Times Rock” and “Cherokee”, Trump only knows. But there is a particularly vehement subsect of the obsessed focusing specifically on their lead singer Joey Tempest, aka Rolf Magnus Joakim Larsson (he of the well-coifed head). We have first-hand evidence of this, presented below.
Our first encounter with an Obsessed Tempest Fan came with someone called “Carieann”, in June. “Carieann” insisted that Joey Tempest was not really Joey Tempest. An excerpt from her lengthy comment:
“This is for all those who say that the band Europe is still great or that still make great albums – STOP writing such a shocking nonsenses and stupidities!! All last albums are false and absolutely horrible and this fake band has nothing in common with the real group Europe from the 80’s, now they make fake records, fake and lifeless music without a soul, fake “shows”, all is fake and false and that’s because since the middle of 1989 the real Joey Tempest is not in this band and Joey was truly the only one who has made this group huge with his talents, awesomeness and uniqueness!! And since 26 years there’s such a horrible imposter and liar in this “group”, that’s not the real Joey Tempest!! The real Joey Tempest had to leave the group because of this horrible liar!! It’s so obvious and so clear to see that it’s just someone different (unless you’re blind and deaf, like bunch of ignorants).”
OK, then. But things took on a religious slant:
“This horrid demon also released solo albums under the name of Joey, still insolently pretending to be Joey Tempest!!! And this disgusting, hideous and rude imposter has nothing in common with the real Joey Tempest, Europe’s vocalist in 1982-1989, not only his looks and sound of voice are completely different but also behaviour, eyes, facial features, personality and absolutely everything!! And the excuse that it could be because the years have passed, it’s just such a stupid and lame excuse!!! This is just a totally different person!! It’s not even a person, he acts like some kind of a devil!! He isn’t even real Joey’ Tempest’s look-alike and never, ever will be like Joey!!! […] There’s not even comparison between him and the real Joey Tempest!! This demonic devil only cares about himself, this whole falsity and not about the “fans”, his main and the only goal is to make fools of as many people as possible to still gain more and more as long as it’s possible undeservedly and you all brainless idiots still help him to do this!!!”
Even though we are all “brainless idiots”, some Googling revealed that “Carieann” had been dumping steaming piles of this conspiracy theory all over the web since 2014.
Always looking to prod the grizzly, we posted a parody of a Europe review that lampooned “Carieann’s” comments. This parody review was loaded with over-the-top statements that served to underline just how weird this conspiracy theory is. I wish I came up with all of these statements myself, but it was a collaborative effort, with a Godlike genius of the written word who not only refuses to be identified, but has now hired 24 hour security for his premises. Here are some excerpts from that parody review, which we felt was a fairly obvious pastiche.
- “Without Joey’s talent and unique abilities, the band is a lost joke; twisted and sad – imagine, it would be like Deep Purple without Nick Simper – just unthinkable!”
- “Joey would NEVER let his hair go flat like that! Wake up people!”
- “I have proof written on the back of a beer mat that in 1994 Matt Groening was forced to rewrite a Futurama episode that obliquely referenced the scandal. “
The article was credited to author “Jesse A. Jones” (a portmanteau of noted conspiracy theorists Jesse Ventura and Alex Jones), who is “Professor Emeritus of Applied Conspiracy at the University of Punkeydoodles Corners and author of ‘Paul is Dead: The Amazing Beatles Conspiracy’, ‘Lennon Lives! Why John Isn’t Dead’ and ‘George! Satan’s Favourite Beatle’.” Not to put too fine a point on it, but we felt this was a pretty obvious joke, especially with credits like those.
All a bit of an innocent giggle; some harmless fun, yes? Not where the Obsessed Tempest Fans come in! Several weeks after posting, this parody review was hit with comments from…Joey Tempest’s wife “Miranda” and her friends “Billy” and “Doreen”?! What is this?! More disgruntled minor celeb encounters to add to my collection?
At first, I took it all at face value, until I actually looked into Joey’s marital status, which was when it all got a little bit strange. All sources state that his wife is named Lisa Worthington, not “Miranda Larrson”. In fact a little digging revealed even more: accusations that “Miranda” had been making the rounds online “claiming” to be Joey’s wife. Then I found a slew of Youtube videos by Miranda: low quality “duets”with Europe songs straight from the album, claiming to be by “Joey and Miranda”.
Come on; we’ve all done it, haven’t we? I once spent the whole summer of ’90 pretending to be married to Lita Ford.
Read the whole thing unfolding for yourself. Follow the links below directly for the best comments by Miranda and her friends, “Billy Low” and “All-Caps Doreen” (aka “Caps-Lock Doreen”). If you’d rather read the whole thing from start to finish, then hit up the first comment from “Doreen” for the beginning of this…discussion. (?) Make a coffee, sit down and enjoy!
Doreen: “NEVER READ SO MUCH RUBBISH IN MY LIFE! ANYONE WHO BELIEVES THIS NEEDS TO GET A REALITY-CHECK…”
Miranda Larrson: “Ok…where to begin…must post fast since I’m sure the guys in white coats coming for ya…”
Billy: “WHAT A LOT OF NONSENSE! ARE YOU FOR REAL? I AM A PERSONAL FRIEND OF JOAKIM LARSSON’S…”
Doreen: “I FORGOT TO SAY THAT I AM A PERSONAL FRIEND OF JOAKIM LARSSON…”
Doreen: “IF THIS IS A JOKE, I DO NOT FIND IT AMUSING. NEITHER DO JOEY AND HIS WIFE…”
Billy: “You read what Joey’s wife has said on here. I am a personal friend of hers too…”
After intensive study (at the University of Google), we have concluded that not only does Joey Tempest have at least one fan who think he’s not really Joey Tempest (a mind-boggler in itself), but he also boasts deluded followers who think he’s married to them! At the very best, even if we took Miranda’s claims purely at face value, and assumed she is indeed the new Mrs. Larrson, then Joey Tempest has friends who have serious problems with reading and comprehension. The entire thing just went completely over their heads. That’s the best-case scenario here. That is the sunniest possible outlook.
The life of a rock star! We only see the glamorous side, but then you have this dark side dealing with obsession. Or, as the great man (the real Joey, I mean) sang on “Love Chaser”:
Someone’s at your door tonight,
Someone wants your love,
Is it real or just imagination?
(Posted from our secret underground bunker, Nunavut Canada.)