conspiracy theories

WTF Comments: “Now I will believe that there are unicorns…”

WTF Comments IV:  “Now I will believe that there are unicorns…”
(William Shakespeare, The Tempest)

These comments went into my spam, so even though they are two months old, I didn’t see them until today. The Joey Tempest Conspiracy Theorists have reared their ugly heads again. Not much commentary needed from me this time, just read and see for yourself! It’s just a huge bag of WTF. I’ll only add two things:

1. I couldn’t even hack a calculator.

2. I honestly had no idea Billy was a dude. There are lots of girls named Billy! I thought it was an all-female mob of obsessed Joey Tempest fans. Now we know it’s a mixed gender group. Hooray!


img_20160916_070920

img_20160916_070932

img_20160916_070949


Billy, this is your official public apology for thinking you’re a girl. You don’t have to show me your wang to prove it, I believe you.

Just when I thought this couldn’t get any weirder, I had to check my spam. Jesus. Happy Friday!

 

 

Advertisements

#464: “Would anybody tell me if I was gettin’…stupider?”

FLATLINE

GETTING MORE TALE #464: “Would anybody tell me if I was gettin’…stupider?”

Can popular music make you dumber?  That depends on who you listen to.

Youngsters growing up in the 60’s and 70’s would be forgiven for thinking that a “light year” was a unit of time.

“And here I sit, hand on the telephone, hearing a voice I’d known, a couple of light years ago.”

Joan Baez wrote those words, which certainly paint an image in your mind, but she misused the words “light years”.  A light year isn’t a unit of time.  It’s a unit of distance.  A light year is how far light can travel in a vacuum in one year:  It is 9,460,730,472,580,800 meters.   Such mistakes were common; even George Lucas made the mistake in the first Star Wars.  He wrote that the Millenium Falcon is the ship that made the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs.  A parsec is not a unit of time.  It too is a measurement of distance – 3.26 light years!*

If you’re a Billy Joel fan, you’re probably familiar with “The Ballad of Billy the Kid”.  There have been a lot of myths and half-truths about the Kid in cinema, but Joel wasn’t aiming for accuracy.  Therefore it didn’t bother him to write that the Kid was hung, when he was actually shot by Pat Garrett.

These kinds of mistakes are not terrible sins.  Most people would be forgiven for not knowing how Billy the Kid died.  Nobody is getting their science lessons from Joan Baez.  However, it is important to take note.  Kids today are impressionable, and sometimes take the words of their pop heroes as gospel.  Let us hope this is not the case with the rapper who calls himself B.o.B.

Now, B.o.B. is one of those folks who does not believe the Earth is a sphere.  B.o.B. believes the Earth is a flat disc — he is what they call a “Flat Earther”.  Forget everything you know about the universe, about how gravity works, or even that trip you took to Australia two summers ago.  According to B.o.B., whose science credentials include dropping out of school in the ninth grade, “I didn’t wanna believe it either.”  However, “there’s no way u [sic] can see all the evidence and not know.”

I wonder if the Flat Earthers and the Hollow Earthers ever get together for a good old-fashioned rumble to decide who is right?

Recently, B.o.B. has picked a fight with Neil deGrasse Tyson, world renowned astrophysicist and surely one of the smartest people alive.  B.o.B. questioned the “international laws” that “prevent you” from exploring Antarctica and the north pole.  “What’s there to hide?” asks B.o.B.  I don’t know what international laws he’s talking about.  The Top Gear guys drove their cars to the (magnetic) north pole without violating any laws.  Nobody “disappeared” Jeremy Clarkson afterwards (though some would like to for other reasons).

Clearly frustrated with his attempts to talk sense and science into the rapper, Tyson tweeted “Flat Earth is a problem only when people in charge think that way. No law stops you from regressively basking in it.”  In response, B.o.B. replied in the way he knows best: in song.  His brand new song “Flatline” mocks Tyson for his stance.  The cover art is an aerial shot of a city.  The lyrics refer to science as a cult, and advise Neil to “loosen up your vest”.  Tyson responded with class:  “Duude — to be clear: Being five centuries regressed in your reasoning doesn’t mean we all can’t still like your music.”

Don’t listen to B.o.B. for your science facts.  How do we know the world is round?  Because B.o.B. uploaded his track to Soundcloud.  He did this via the internet, which people connect to every day using satellites.  These satellites circle in geostationary orbits, something impossible if the Earth were a disc.  In fact, we have been using satellites since 1957.  Unfortunately in this age of “I only believe in what I can see,” it seems B.o.B. has taken the technology for granted. “Flat line, flat line, you fooled us for the last time,” he raps cluelessly.

Still confused?  Here’s deGrasse Tyson.  Take it away, Neil!

B.o.B. sampled this video (the part where Tyson trips over his words at 40 seconds in) in his song to mock the scientist.

 

* The Star Wars expanded universe retroactively explained this by saying that Han Solo did make the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs, by achieving the shortest distance through a treacherous region of space.

 

 

WTF Comments: Joakim Larsson edition

WTF Comments III:  Joakim Larsson edition

The world of Rock and Roll fandom is filled with many varieties:  The Uber Fan who owns everything, the Casual Fan who owns what they want, and the Obsessed Fan.   They have a complete set of Tico Torres’ toe nails, and a collection of restraining orders against them.  These are just some examples.  There are many more fan types, across every genre of music.  While I’m usually more interested in the collections of the Uber Fan, sometimes the Obsessed can provide hours of entertaining befuddlement.

Based on limited exposure to one of these categories, we at LeBrain HQ have scientifically determined that the rock band Europe have an inordinate amount of Obsessed Fans.  What it is specifically that attracts them to the authors of “Let the Good Times Rock” and “Cherokee”, Trump only knows.  But there is a particularly vehement subsect of the obsessed focusing specifically on their lead singer Joey Tempest, aka Rolf Magnus Joakim Larsson (he of the well-coifed head).  We have first-hand evidence of this, presented below.


 

Our first encounter with an Obsessed Tempest Fan came with someone called “Carieann”, in June.  “Carieann” insisted that Joey Tempest was not really Joey Tempest.  An excerpt from her lengthy comment:

“This is for all those who say that the band Europe is still great or that still make great albums – STOP writing such a shocking nonsenses and stupidities!! All last albums are false and absolutely horrible and this fake band has nothing in common with the real group Europe from the 80’s, now they make fake records, fake and lifeless music without a soul, fake “shows”, all is fake and false and that’s because since the middle of 1989 the real Joey Tempest is not in this band and Joey was truly the only one who has made this group huge with his talents, awesomeness and uniqueness!! And since 26 years there’s such a horrible imposter and liar in this “group”, that’s not the real Joey Tempest!! The real Joey Tempest had to leave the group because of this horrible liar!! It’s so obvious and so clear to see that it’s just someone different (unless you’re blind and deaf, like bunch of ignorants).”

OK, then.  But things took on a religious slant:

“This horrid demon also released solo albums under the name of Joey, still insolently pretending to be Joey Tempest!!! And this disgusting, hideous and rude imposter has nothing in common with the real Joey Tempest, Europe’s vocalist in 1982-1989, not only his looks and sound of voice are completely different but also behaviour, eyes, facial features, personality and absolutely everything!! And the excuse that it could be because the years have passed, it’s just such a stupid and lame excuse!!! This is just a totally different person!! It’s not even a person, he acts like some kind of a devil!! He isn’t even real Joey’ Tempest’s look-alike and never, ever will be like Joey!!! […] There’s not even comparison between him and the real Joey Tempest!! This demonic devil only cares about himself, this whole falsity and not about the “fans”, his main and the only goal is to make fools of as many people as possible to still gain more and more as long as it’s possible undeservedly and you all brainless idiots still help him to do this!!!”

Even though we are all “brainless idiots”, some Googling revealed that “Carieann” had been dumping steaming piles of this conspiracy theory all over the web since 2014.


JOEY THEN NOW

Always looking to prod the grizzly, we posted a parody of a Europe review that lampooned “Carieann’s” comments.  This parody review was loaded with over-the-top statements that served to underline just how weird this conspiracy theory is.  I wish I came up with all of these statements myself, but it was a collaborative effort, with a Godlike genius of the written word who not only refuses to be identified, but has now hired 24 hour security for his premises.  Here are some excerpts from that parody review, which we felt was a fairly obvious pastiche.

  • “Without Joey’s talent and unique abilities, the band is a lost joke; twisted and sad – imagine, it would be like Deep Purple without Nick Simper – just unthinkable!”
  • “Joey would NEVER let his hair go flat like that! Wake up people!”
  • “I have proof written on the back of a beer mat that in 1994 Matt Groening was forced to rewrite a Futurama episode that obliquely referenced the scandal. “

The article was credited to author “Jesse A. Jones” (a portmanteau of noted conspiracy theorists Jesse Ventura and Alex Jones), who is “Professor Emeritus of Applied Conspiracy at the University of Punkeydoodles Corners and author of ‘Paul is Dead: The Amazing Beatles Conspiracy’, ‘Lennon Lives! Why John Isn’t Dead’ and ‘George! Satan’s Favourite Beatle’.”  Not to put too fine a point on it, but we felt this was a pretty obvious joke, especially with credits like those.

All a bit of an innocent giggle; some harmless fun, yes?  Not where the Obsessed Tempest Fans come in!  Several weeks after posting, this parody review was hit with comments from…Joey Tempest’s wife “Miranda” and her friends “Billy” and “Doreen”?!  What is this?!  More disgruntled minor celeb encounters to add to my collection?

At first, I took it all at face value, until I actually looked into Joey’s marital status, which was when it all got a little bit strange.  All sources state that his wife is named Lisa Worthington, not “Miranda Larrson”.  In fact a little digging revealed even more:  accusations that “Miranda” had been making the rounds online “claiming” to be Joey’s wife.  Then I found a slew of Youtube videos by Miranda:  low quality “duets”with Europe songs straight from the album, claiming to be by “Joey and Miranda”.

Come on; we’ve all done it, haven’t we?   I once spent the whole summer of ’90 pretending to be married to Lita Ford.

Read the whole thing unfolding for yourself.  Follow the links below directly for the best comments by Miranda and her friends, “Billy Low” and “All-Caps Doreen” (aka “Caps-Lock Doreen”).    If you’d rather read the whole thing from start to finish, then hit up the first comment from “Doreen” for the beginning of this…discussion. (?)  Make a coffee, sit down and enjoy!

Doreen:  “NEVER READ SO MUCH RUBBISH IN MY LIFE! ANYONE WHO BELIEVES THIS NEEDS TO GET A REALITY-CHECK…”

Miranda Larrson: “Ok…where to begin…must post fast since I’m sure the guys in white coats coming for ya…”

Billy:  “WHAT A LOT OF NONSENSE! ARE YOU FOR REAL? I AM A PERSONAL FRIEND OF JOAKIM LARSSON’S…”

Doreen:  “I FORGOT TO SAY THAT I AM A PERSONAL FRIEND OF JOAKIM LARSSON…”

Doreen:  “IF THIS IS A JOKE, I DO NOT FIND IT AMUSING. NEITHER DO JOEY AND HIS WIFE…”

Billy:  “You read what Joey’s wife has said on here. I am a personal friend of hers too…”

 

After intensive study (at the University of Google), we have concluded that not only does Joey Tempest have at least one fan who think he’s not really Joey Tempest (a mind-boggler in itself), but he also boasts deluded followers who think he’s married to them!  At the very best, even if we took Miranda’s claims purely at face value, and assumed she is indeed the new Mrs. Larrson, then Joey Tempest has friends who have serious problems with reading and comprehension.  The entire thing just went completely over their heads.  That’s the best-case scenario here.  That is the sunniest possible outlook.

The life of a rock star!  We only see the glamorous side, but then you have this dark side dealing with obsession.  Or, as the great man (the real Joey, I mean) sang on “Love Chaser”:

Someone’s at your door tonight,
Someone wants your love,
Is it real or just imagination?

(Posted from our secret underground bunker, Nunavut Canada.)

#420: Walk With Meat

RECORD STORE TALES MkII: Getting More Tale
#420: Walk With Meat

Everybody loves misheard lyrics!  “’Scuse me while I kiss this guy.”  There are entire books available with nothing but commonly misheard lyrics.  My dad used to think Gene Simmons was singing “a beach creature in the Ladies Room” on that Kiss classic from Rock N’ Roll Over.  Misheard lyrics can be embarrassing when caught singing along, but also fun.

Perhaps some lyrics are not misheard at all.  Perhaps some are intentional?

My good friend Uncle Meat pointed out a good one on Queenryche’s 1986 track “Walk in the Shadows”.  This opening song from the amazing Rage For Order album has remained a fan-favourite over the years.  Its progressive-rock-meets-technology vibe was very new for the time, though it was skeptically met by fans of pure guitar rock.  As much as Rage For Order broke new musical ground, it was also quite complex lyrically.  I even studied some of the songs (“Neue Regel”, “Chemical Youth”, and “Surgical Strike”) for a highschool English project.  But what was Geoff Tate saying in the lyrics?

What? You say you’re through with me,
I’m not through with you,
We’ve had what others might call love.

Only mildly disturbing.  Sounds like a clingy ex-lover who can’t face that his relationship is over.

You say it’s over now,
What’s done, what’s through?
You can’t stay away, you need me,
I need you.

Again, still clingy and slightly desperate.  Nothing of any depth or hidden meaning though.  It’s all right there on the page.  But wait….

Ow! You got to stay with me…(Walk with me)
Oooh! Walk in the shadows (Walk with MEAT),
Walk in the shadows (Walk with me),
Ahhh, yeah! Walk in the shadows, WOO! (Walk with MEAT),
Walk in the shadows (Walk with me),
Ah, ahh, ahhhhh! Walk in the shadows (Walk with MEAT),
Walk with me!

Listen to the end of the song.  You can clearly hear the “t” in “Meat” on every other line in the outro.  Clearly!  And notice how Geoff puts his emphasis and screams and fill-ins on the MEAT lines. He even threw in a “woo” there. How often do you hear Geoff Tate throwing “woos” into his lines? So what was Geoff Tate really trying to tell us on “Walk in the Shadows”?*

Analyzing the lyrics of the song, and digging into the album itself for more clues, I think I have finally figured out the true, hidden story behind “Walk in the Shadows” by Queensryche.  The technological theme takes us into the future.  That much is obvious from the album’s lyrics and concepts.  “I only dream infrared,” and all the high-tech artificial intelligence hints at a future that had not existed in 1986.  We are getting closer, but thankfully the robots haven’t revolted yet. Tate is obviously foretelling the future rather than singing about current events in 1986.

Some time in late ’85, when Geoff Tate was knee-deep in a vat of red wine, a bottle fell off his top shelf, hit him on the head and knocked him out cold.  He awoke in a future that is still far away, even for us in 2015.  The year is unknown – Geoff was still too loaded on wine to pick up a newspaper and read the date.  However one thing is known – the future will be dominated by Uncle Meat. Tate wandered this future landscape for some time, and witnessed things that no-one would believe. His only option was to hide these warnings in the lyrics of a concept album.  That album was Rage For Order.  “Walk in the Shadows” was the opening song.  That’s how Geoff Tate plays his cards — right there on the table.

“Walk in the shadows, walk with MEAT.”  Geoff had seen a glimpse of our planet’s glorious future.  Walk with him and you will see – the future is walking with MEAT.  You couldn’t get any clearer.  Once you hear that not-so-subtle “T” in “Meat”, the rest slowly reveals itself, like a puzzle with the edges already finished.

I for one welcome our new Meat overlord!

WALK WITH MEAT


 

* There is no evidence to suggest a connection to the Joey Tempest Conspiracy (TM).

*^ This  footnote is in no way an attempt to keep reminding you of the Joey Tempest Conspiracy (TM), in an effort to foreshadow future posts.

*^^ It actually is.

 

GUEST REVIEW: Europe – War of Kings (2015) by Jesse A. Jones

For Tommy Morais’ excellent 4/5 star review of this album, click here, and to skip directly to the comment that started it all, click here!

GUEST REVIEW by academic and rock fan “Jesse A. Jones”*

WAR OF KINGSEUROPE – War of Kings (2015 UDR)

The Swedish rock band Europe stormed onto the charts in the mid 1980’s with uplifting keyboard oriented pop rock, written by singer and founder Joey Tempest, a golden fluffy-haired gifted soul.  Then their slide down the charts began.  Albums like Out of This World sold fewer and fewer copies and the band finally broke up in the early 90’s, amid rumours that even their own mothers now preferred The Hives.

Unfortunately for fans and the band, these would be the last great albums Europe would make!  The fact that mainstream rock magazines still praise Europe is shocking nonsense.  It’s hard to believe anyone buys that stupidity!  There has not been a real “Europe” in 26 years!  It’s a conspiracy involving many producers, record label execs, musicians, writers, FIFA and the worldwide media cartel as a whole.  The Bilberbergers know but say nothing, while the Rothschilds remain silent.  I have proof written on the back of a beer mat that in 1994 Matt Groening was forced to rewrite a Futurama episode that obliquely referenced the scandal.  Shadowy elements of the secret world government have stifled independent thought and critical opinions, ensuring we will all remain unquestioning and loyal, to both our governments and rock bands alike!

Well, ladies and gentlemen it is my sworn duty to tell you the truth and I will not be silenced, or my integrity bought for 30 pieces of record company silver!

The problem is the Europe of today has nothing in common with the real group Europe that topped the charts in 1987.  Literally. Committing a conspiracy of great scale, they have been secretly and knowingly touring with an imposter singer since 1989!  Their last horrible and fake albums (lifeless and without soul) were not written by the real Joey Tempest.  Without Joey’s talent and unique abilities, the band is a lost joke; twisted and sad – imagine, it would be like Deep Purple without Nick Simper – just unthinkable!

The truth remains shrouded in mystery.  The only details now known, thanks to a covert informant “C.A.”, is that the imposter Joey forced out the real Joey sometime in 1989, using a complex web of lies and half-truths. Plastic surgeons and vocal coaches helped the fake Joey in his goals, and were paid off for their silence, or disappeared.  Some say that the real reason that the late celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Fredric Brandt suffered from depression was keeping this whole thing secret.  Then, having successfully replaced Joey without anyone noticing, Europe continued to tour with a new voice and face fronting the band, raking in millions.  It is quite remarkable that very few fans have noticed this imposter.  “Joey’s” voice changed on 1991’s Prisoner’s in Paradise album but the complicit media have either ignorantly or purposely covered it up.  Fans have wondered why Joey’s hair style and hair colour changed on that album, assuming it was just a superficial change.  Little did they know that the head and face behind the hair had also changed! Joey would NEVER let his hair go flat like that! Wake up people!

JOEY THEN NOW

Europe with the imposter have made a semi-successful go of it, edging themselves towards world domination, even placing third in Sweden’s Got Talent in 2013, but for an unknown, sinister purpose.  True fans, distinguishable from the herd by their password ‘Cherokee – marching on the trail of tears’, who know and appreciate the talents of the real Joey, have wondered what happened, but no-one listens.  As for the fake fans, how could YOU do this to the real Joey?  How could YOU not even notice this shadow of a Joey up there on stage singing fake odes to “Carrie”?  Shame on the fans, and most of all shame on the band for not stopping this charade 26 years ago!

Just look at the songs here!  “Children of the Night”.  The real Joey would never have written a song about “children of the night”,  “California 405” is the highway that O.J. Simpson was chased down – a definite clue that there was something more going on here than meets the eye!  Why would Europe specifically reference that notorious highway unless they were implying some sort of wrongdoing behind the scenes?

Just listen to the song “Praise You” on this album.  As if the real Joey would have written “Praise You”!  This rude, obscene imposter has terrible lyrics and evil facial expressions.   He is a demonic devil from hell who only cares for himself, not the fans and certainly not the spirit of the original Joey – with the voice, face and hair of an angel.  The real Joey gave the fans everything he had.  His reward was being ousted by an imposter who now receives all the love and praise from ignorant and deceived “fans” who are too stupid to notice the difference.  His only goal in this world is to lie and fool as many fans as possible while he laughs raking in the money!  No talent, no soul, no voice!  That’s the fake Joey right there.  Just listen to War Of Kings, it’s as if he and the whole band are actively setting out to destroy the affection of the fans and ruin the legacy of the band as a whole.  Well I won’t sit idly by and let this happen! No sir!

Some will say, “Well you are wrong.  His hair and voice change with style and age.”  No.  Look at his eyes.  They are not the same eyes, you can see the yawning chasms of hellfire deep in those pupils.  Joey tried to warn you what was happening.  Read the lyrics to “Stranger on the Track”!  Make sense now?  Joey was warning you that “danger” was on his back and nobody listened.  Joey stood for love and the truth!  Long live love!  Long live the truth!  One day Joey will return and prove this all to be true, with the original angelic voice of Europe!

It is hard though to bear this burden, sometimes even I start to doubt, but then I only have to look down at the words tattooed on my thigh; words of inspiration, words of power, the real Joey’s words and I find the strength to go on, in his name.

Rock now, rock the night
‘Til early in the morning light
Rock now, rock the night
You’d better believe it’s right.

No rating

* Professor Emeritus of Applied Conspiracy at the University of Punkeydoodles Corners and author of ‘Paul Is Dead: The Amazing Beatles Conspiracy’, ‘Lennon Lives! Why John Isn’t Dead’ and ‘George! Satan’s Favorite Beatle’.

VIDEO: The Cottage in the Woods 2

COLLAGE

If you missed the original story about the Cottage in the Woods, please check out Record Store Tales Part 308.

Another long weekend in Canada has come and gone.  This time we came with a side mission: visiting Condor Fine Books in Kincardine, Ontario.  We’ve been going there for years, and the owner is a really nice guy.  He has a crazy selection of old and interesting books, with a healthy section on UFOs and the paranormal.  That’s alright by me.

I hope you enjoy my latest video, with book finds and lots of scenery.