Always appreciative of helpful, constructive comments like this.
The rest of the world is trying to get me to write 200 or 500 word reviews. Padraig isn’t happy with 912 though. Waiting for him to post a link to his Sultans of Ping F.C. review. I’m sure his punctuation will be immaculate.
WTF SEARCH TERMS: YouTube Edition
I’ve recently done something I previously said I wouldn’t do, and monetize some videos on my YouTube. I am still figuring all of this out, but one feature allowed me to see the search terms that were apparently used by “my viewers”. How they became “my viewers” with search terms like these, I can’t figure out. Maybe you can! Do you have a monetized YouTube? What does all this mean? What the hell is “mukbang”?
WTF SEARCH TERMS: Back to the Classics
It has been well over a year since our last instalment of WTF Search Terms, collections of left-field searches that actually somehow led people to this site. We are well overdue for a new one, and for this edition, we are going back to the classic formula that made the series popular in the first place. Dirty, dirty things! Some people out there have dirty minds indeed, so have a look and see what they are looking for on the internet! They didn’t find ’em here, I assure you!
I hate to disappoint all my fans, but my career in porn failed to launch. You will not find any xxx videos of me on the internet. Sorry if this is a letdown to you.
I’m gonna pass on this offer, but thanks for thinking of me.
Somebody searched for that, and they clicked on my site. No idea how that happens.
No, no, no, just all kinds of no. (Cum FM, is that a radio station?)
This is not the kind of Japanese import that I’m looking for.
Based on past search terms, we do get some foot fetishists here from time to time. My Ted 2 review does have a feature image of Amanda Seyfried with no shoes on. I guess this guy got lucky! (The word “feet” does not appear in the review, but occurs once in the comments section, so this guy really did get lucky this time.)
No, no, N fucking O!
Jesus H. Murphy. We do get searches for this from time to time. I don’t wanna see it. Is this the ultimate ODP?
No necessarily pornographic, but you sure could read it that way. I think this possibly connected to my AC/DC box set review.
Of all the actors on Star Trek: Discovery, I only get searches for Mary Wiseman. Sometimes it’s her ass, sometimes it’s somebody searching for her IMDB. I have no idea why they’d click on me while searching for Mary Wiseman’s IMDB, but it happens. According to her IMDB, Mary Wiseman has never done porn. Next!
OK I got nothing. Thanks for joining me for this year’s instalment of WTF Search Terms!
Melissa the Troll logged in at 1 AM last night to tell me that my opinion does not matter. I did not need Melissa to tell me that, but who is going to tell Melissa that her opinion matters just as much?
Melissa left a comment on my Avril Lavigne – Under My Skin review. Apparently her math isn’t that great, as she didn’t realize that my 3.5/5 score = 7/10, a pretty good review. She probably didn’t like that I found a few songs to be “shit”, but what can you do? It’s not like my opinions actually matter.
Always a pleasure when a celebrity comes down to read my stuff! (Remember when Kenny Hotz wasn’t keen on my Kenny Vs. Spenny Season 6 review?) Hip-hop producer David “D-Funk” Faulk is the latest to stumble upon my writing. David “D-Funk” Faulk is a King’s X fan. David “D-Funk” Faulk did not like my review of the King’s X B-side “Junior’s Gone Wild”, as you can see for yourself.
Thanks, D-Funk! I never said any of that. Should I be flattered that he thought I was a critic? I think so. I’m going to start referring to myself as “famed critic”.
My response to him went like this:
Here’s what bugs me the most about this dill-hole.
“If you don’t like it, fine. Don’t listen.”
SAME GOES FOR YOU, PAL, If you don’t like it, fine. Don’t read it.
What am I supposed to do? Lie about what appeals to me, just to satisfy the hard-core worshippers? You think it kicks fuckin’ ass. I don’t. You want me to lie about that? It’s the Complete King’s X studio series. You want me to leave out the ones I didn’t like just so you don’t have to read them? Get over yourself.
Coming soon to mikeladano.com: Only sunny, positive reviews about music that kicks “fking ass”! Looking forward to my forthcoming series of Def Leppard deep dives? F’get about it! Only 4/5 and 5/5 star writeups from now on. Reviews so positive that they could have been a toothpaste commercial. That’s the future. Fuck honesty. Write anything even remotely critical and you’ll get shithawks like D-Funk dropping turds all over your pages.
Listen to the song, read my review, and tell me if I was being harsh.
WTF SEARCH TERMS XLV: дип перпл edition
It’s so rare that you see anything other than the English alphabet in search terms. This one translates as “buy bootlegs deep purple on cd” but sadly none of my music is for sale. I’m just blown away that Googling it led to my site. As for the below….
I’m not surprised that Googling this leads to me. At all.
I’m convinced that Joey Tempest has the most obsessed fans in the world. And not in a healthy way!
If former Journey singer Steve Augeri has shirtless photos out there, they are not to be found here.
Again…not to be found here. Why would you want this? Even Kevin DuBrow didn’t want to see Kevin DuBrow naked.
It’s complicated but the simplest answer is “yes”. I’m just proud that this one led to me!
Trailer Park Boys search terms always make me chuckle. A “parents guide”?? Oh my God, somebody out there thinks there is a parents’ guide! As for “Thank Santa’s tits”, that’s one of Ricky’s memorable quotes from the show.
And finally, my favourite search term:
That would be Michael Cera, who performed the greatest version of “These Eyes” ever sung by anyone. You remember. My brother drove all the way from Scottsdale Arizona to be here tonight, and you’re not gonna sing for him? You sing, and sing good!
On July 20, for what would have been his birthday, an unreleased Chris Cornell track hit the airwaves. It was a version of Guns N’ Roses’ “Patience”. Reaction was mixed. Mrs. LeBrain likes it, while I do not.
When the local radio station played it and asked for feedback, listeners offered a range of opinions. “Voice is annoying,” said Ernie. Sarah thought the track was “Beautiful”. “Don’t care for it,” commented Stacy while Ron found his voice “haunting”. Meanwhile Steve said it wasn’t as good as his cover of “Nothing Compares 2 U”.
My comment was simple. “I didn’t play the whole thing. Just enough to know why it was unreleased.” Apparently I must have triggered Chris (who I’ve never seen or spoken to before in my life), even more than the guy who called Cornell’s voice “annoying”. Check out the exchange below.
I’m trying to get better at taking compliments. Hey, I’m the be all end all now! Take that, internet.
WTF SEARCH TERMS XLIV: Chicken Skin edition
Happy Friday! WTF Search Terms are those weird words that you typed into a search engine to get here. No overall theme this time, just a collection of shit that is: A) weird stuff to google, and B) amusing that it led people here. Please enjoy!
Yes that’s all one search term. I actually have no commentary on this!
This one I can explain! The second inclusion isn’t really a “WTF”, but it does help explain the first one. Trailer Park Boys’ Live in Dublin special featured them attempting to remake “Closer to the Heart” by Rush. In order to replicate Neil Peart’s fu manchu moustache, Julian taped a piece of chicken skin to his chin.
That’s a tad harsh. I assume the “I’ll eat your soul” part matched to a Tencious D lyric from the song “Tribute”. Oh, and Super Mario 3.
HAHAHAHA. No. No. Heh. No. But this did link up to my first April Fool’s review.
I find this amusing because they used the word “essay” and that word has never been used on anything to do with Trailer Park Boys before.
I bought a lot of stuff from Amazon, but I wouldn’t know who Bezos is dating. Not me that’s for sure.
Very specific! This Kiss fan might be looking for a bootleg from Saratoga Springs, New York?
An old classic, the Boobsy Animation Whores (wearing glasses acquire screwed hardcore) have been getting hits here since day one. They’ve made the WTF list so many times that my site is now associated with them. Go me?
Heheh. I know why this got hits. Thanks Uncle Meat.
And finally I had to save this one for last. Any Trekkies out there? Any fans of Lieutenant Ash Tyler? Don’t Google this.
I didn’t find him naked, but I did find a guy who looked like him sitting on the toilet. You’re welcome. Now you don’t have to look.
Come back for more WTF Search Terms on a web-enabled device near you!
Shazad Latif as Lt. Tyler
WTF SEARCH TERMS XLIII: More Sexy than Sexy edition
It’s Friday so it’s time for some funny.
WTF Search Terms are those weird words that you typed into a search engine to get here. Most of the time, people were searching for sex. From penis pumps to the genitalia of the lead singer of Queen, here are the latest and greatest WTFs!
When I wrote Record Store Tales Part 266, about a novelty “penis pump” that I was given by co-workers, I never expected the hits to keep rolling in. And…”sail”?
None here, but in Record Store Tales Part 69 (obviously), a porn tape did show up at the store.
This is a question you’re going to have to keep on googling because I do not know or care.
Greta Van Fleet’s singer? Don’t know, irrelevant question.
I know it’s dirty because xxx is in there.
Possibly linking up to a review for Trailer Park Boys Season 8.
No idea.
Multiple searches here. Mary Wiseman plays the character of Sylvia Tilly on Star Trek: Discovery. And sadly this is not the first time Mary’s derriere has made this list.
My best guess is that some people think “lesbian” is spelled “lebrain”. Otherwise I’m curious. I’d like to read this story myself!
This is now the second time this one has made the list. How. The fuck. Does THAT lead HERE??
See ya next time for more WTFs.
WTF SEARCH TERMS XLII: Snake the Tattoo Man edition
It has been six months since the last WTF Search Terms, and in that time, search terms have been dominated by the one and only Snake the Tattoo Man.
Snake is a character I encountered back in the Record Store days, as recounted in Record Store Tales Part 118: Famous Persons. There are three main things Snake is known for:
People have been doing as lot of searching for Snake in 2019. They don’t always get the video right (Helix), or the TV show (Donahue) or the city (London). But they sure do wanna do see the Snake! I’ve highlighted some of the funniest mistakes.
Learn more about Snake in the MuchMusic interview below, taken from my personal collection!
mikeladano.com 