WTF

WTF Search Terms: Back to the Classics edition

WTF SEARCH TERMS: Back to the Classics

It has been well over a year since our last instalment of WTF Search Terms, collections of left-field searches that actually somehow led people to this site.  We are well overdue for a new one, and for this edition, we are going back to the classic formula that made the series popular in the first place.  Dirty, dirty things!  Some people out there have dirty minds indeed, so have a look and see what they are looking for on the internet!  They didn’t find ’em here, I assure you!


  • xxx.ladano

I hate to disappoint all my fans, but my career in porn failed to launch.  You will not find any xxx videos of me on the internet.  Sorry if this is a letdown to you.

  • fuck me good niw

I’m gonna pass on this offer, but thanks for thinking of me.

Somebody searched for that, and they clicked on my site.  No idea how that happens.

  • pornon cumfm com.

No, no, no, just all kinds of no.  (Cum FM, is that a radio station?)

  • japanxxx

This is not the kind of Japanese import that I’m looking for.

  • ted 2 feet gif

Based on past search terms, we do get some foot fetishists here from time to time.  My Ted 2 review does have a feature image of Amanda Seyfried with no shoes on.  I guess this guy got lucky!  (The word “feet” does not appear in the review, but occurs once in the comments section, so this guy really did get lucky this time.)

  • boy peeing video

No, no, N fucking O!

  • girls peeing in trough

Jesus H. Murphy.  We do get searches for this from time to time.  I don’t wanna see it.  Is this the ultimate ODP?

  • but the big one that comes in

No necessarily pornographic, but you sure could read it that way.  I think this possibly connected to my AC/DC box set review.

  • mary wiseman porn

Of all the actors on Star Trek: Discovery, I only get searches for Mary Wiseman.  Sometimes it’s her ass, sometimes it’s somebody searching for her IMDB.  I have no idea why they’d click on me while searching for Mary Wiseman’s IMDB, but it happens.  According to her IMDB, Mary Wiseman has never done porn.  Next!

  • ponobgy

OK I got nothing.  Thanks for joining me for this year’s instalment of WTF Search Terms!

 

WTF Comments: Under Melissa’s Skin

Melissa the Troll logged in at 1 AM last night to tell me that my opinion does not matter.  I did not need Melissa to tell me that, but who is going to tell Melissa that her opinion matters just as much?

Melissa left a comment on my Avril Lavigne – Under My Skin review.  Apparently her math isn’t that great, as she didn’t realize that my 3.5/5 score = 7/10, a pretty good review.  She probably didn’t like that I found a few songs to be “shit”, but what can you do?  It’s not like my opinions actually matter.

 

 

WTF Comments: D-Funk edition

Always a pleasure when a celebrity comes down to read my stuff!  (Remember when Kenny Hotz wasn’t keen on my Kenny Vs. Spenny Season 6 review?)  Hip-hop producer David “D-Funk” Faulk is the latest to stumble upon my writing.  David “D-Funk” Faulk is a King’s X fan.  David “D-Funk” Faulk did not like my review of the King’s X B-side “Junior’s Gone Wild”, as you can see for yourself.

You’re nuts. “Junior’s Gone Wild” kicks fkng ass! As great as anything they’ve ever done. Loved it the first time I heard it and still love it today. The whole critiquing songs is such a dumb thing to do anyway because it’s simply showing one’s desperation to tell others how they should hear the song. If you don’t like it, fine. Don’t listen. Some people love Anne Murray. Some love Frank Zappa. Some love Milli Vanilli or Lil Wayne. It’s so stupid sitting there writing, “Duhh, I think the third verse should have been shorter and the guitar riff is too similar to one of the guitarist’s other songs. How dare he have a style and play anything that sounds like himself!”. blah blah fkn blah. If you can do better, let’s hear it. Critics are the absolute worst.

Thanks, D-Funk!  I never said any of that.  Should I be flattered that he thought I was a critic?  I think so.  I’m going to start referring to myself as “famed critic”.

My response to him went like this:

Here’s what bugs me the most about this dill-hole.

“If you don’t like it, fine. Don’t listen.”

SAME GOES FOR YOU, PAL, If you don’t like it, fine. Don’t read it.

What am I supposed to do? Lie about what appeals to me, just to satisfy the hard-core worshippers? You think it kicks fuckin’ ass. I don’t. You want me to lie about that? It’s the Complete King’s X studio series. You want me to leave out the ones I didn’t like just so you don’t have to read them? Get over yourself.

Coming soon to mikeladano.com:  Only sunny, positive reviews about music that kicks “fking ass”!  Looking forward to my forthcoming series of Def Leppard deep dives?  F’get about it!  Only 4/5 and 5/5 star writeups from now on.  Reviews so positive that they could have been a toothpaste commercial.  That’s the future.  Fuck honesty.  Write anything even remotely critical and you’ll get shithawks like D-Funk dropping turds all over your pages.

Listen to the song, read my review, and tell me if I was being harsh.

WTF Search Terms: дип перпл edition

WTF SEARCH TERMS XLV: дип перпл edition

 

  • купить бутлеги дип перпл на сд 

It’s so rare that you see anything other than the English alphabet in search terms.  This one translates as “buy bootlegs deep purple on cd” but sadly none of my music is for sale.  I’m just blown away that Googling it led to my site.  As for the below….

  • home urinals?

I’m not surprised that Googling this leads to me.  At all.

  • what color eyes does joey tempest have
  • long big hair band joey tempest gay kiss

I’m convinced that Joey Tempest has the most obsessed fans in the world.  And not in a healthy way!

  • steve augeri shirtless

If former Journey singer Steve Augeri has shirtless photos out there, they are not to be found here.

  • quiet riot band sex tape

Again…not to be found here.  Why would you want this?  Even Kevin DuBrow didn’t want to see Kevin DuBrow naked.

  • is rogu roger son

It’s complicated but the simplest answer is “yes”.  I’m just proud that this one led to me!

  • trailer park boys europe parents guide
  • thank santa’s tits tpb

Trailer Park Boys search terms always make me chuckle.  A “parents guide”??  Oh my God, somebody out there thinks there is a parents’ guide!  As for “Thank Santa’s tits”, that’s one of Ricky’s memorable quotes from the show.

And finally, my favourite search term:

  • superbad the singer jimmys brother actor

That would be Michael Cera, who performed the greatest version of “These Eyes” ever sung  by anyone.  You remember.  My brother drove all the way from Scottsdale Arizona to be here tonight, and you’re not gonna sing for him?  You sing, and sing good!

WTF Comments: Just a Little Patience for the Be All End All Music Guy

On July 20, for what would have been his birthday, an unreleased Chris Cornell track hit the airwaves. It was a version of Guns N’ Roses’ “Patience”. Reaction was mixed. Mrs. LeBrain likes it, while I do not.

When the local radio station played it and asked for feedback, listeners offered a range of opinions. “Voice is annoying,” said Ernie.  Sarah thought the track was “Beautiful”.  “Don’t care for it,” commented Stacy while Ron found his voice “haunting”.  Meanwhile Steve said it wasn’t as good as his cover of “Nothing Compares 2 U”.

My comment was simple. “I didn’t play the whole thing.  Just enough to know why it was unreleased.”  Apparently I must have triggered Chris (who I’ve never seen or spoken to before in my life), even more than the guy who called Cornell’s voice “annoying”.  Check out the exchange below.

 

I’m trying to get better at taking compliments.  Hey, I’m the be all end all now!  Take that, internet.

WTF Search Terms: Chicken Skin edition

WTF SEARCH TERMS XLIV: Chicken Skin edition

Happy Friday!  WTF Search Terms are those weird words that you typed into a search engine to get here.  No overall theme this time, just a collection of shit that is:  A) weird stuff to google, and B) amusing that it led people here.  Please enjoy!


 

  • alien yoi hold i’ll fuck it. bon jovi slippery when

Yes that’s all one search term.  I actually have no commentary on this!

  • julian “chicken skin” trailer park
  • trailer park boys remake rush music video

This one I can explain!  The second inclusion isn’t really a “WTF”, but it does help explain the first one.  Trailer Park Boys’ Live in Dublin special featured them attempting to remake “Closer to the Heart” by Rush.  In order to replicate Neil Peart’s fu manchu moustache, Julian taped a piece of chicken skin to his chin.

  • tell me your favorite video game or i’ll eat your soul

That’s a tad harsh.  I assume the “I’ll eat your soul” part matched to a Tencious D lyric from the song “Tribute”.  Oh, and Super Mario 3.

  • nkotb face the music underrated

HAHAHAHA.  No.  No.  Heh.  No.  But this did link up to my first April Fool’s review.

  • critique essay over xmas special trailer park boys

I find this amusing because they used the word “essay” and that word has never been used on anything to do with Trailer Park Boys before.

  • jeff bezos new girl

I bought a lot of stuff from Amazon, but I wouldn’t know who Bezos is dating.  Not me that’s for sure.

  • all right saratoga springs, you wanted the best, you got the best, the hottest

Very specific!  This Kiss fan might be looking for a bootleg from Saratoga Springs, New York?

  • boobsy_animation_whores_wearing_glasses_acquire_screwed_hardcore_ site:mikeladano.com

An old classic, the Boobsy Animation Whores (wearing glasses acquire screwed hardcore) have been getting hits here since day one.  They’ve made the WTF list so many times that my site is now associated with them.  Go me?

  • lick my penis

Heheh.  I know why this got hits. Thanks Uncle Meat.

And finally I had to save this one for last.  Any Trekkies out there?  Any fans of Lieutenant Ash Tyler?  Don’t Google this.

  • shazad latif nude

I didn’t find him naked, but I did find a guy who looked like him sitting on the toilet.  You’re welcome.  Now you don’t have to look.

Come back for more WTF Search Terms on a web-enabled device near you!

Shazad Latif as Lt. Tyler

WTF Search Terms: More Sexy than Sexy edition

WTF SEARCH TERMS XLIII:  More Sexy than Sexy edition

It’s Friday so it’s time for some funny.

WTF Search Terms are those weird words that you typed into a search engine to get here.  Most of the time, people were searching for sex.  From penis pumps to the genitalia of the lead singer of Queen, here are the latest and greatest WTFs!


  • swedish penis pump for sail
  • austin powers enlarge your penis

When I wrote Record Store Tales Part 266, about a novelty “penis pump” that I was given by co-workers, I never expected the hits to keep rolling in.  And…”sail”?

  • vhs porn call for bang

None here, but in Record Store Tales Part 69 (obviously), a porn tape did show up at the store.

  • how big was freddie mercurys cock

This is a question you’re going to have to keep on googling because I do not know or care.

  • is joshua kiszka bi

Greta Van Fleet’s singer?  Don’t know, irrelevant question.

  • japanxxx.dere.fere

I know it’s dirty because xxx is in there.

  • hookers

Possibly linking up to a review for Trailer Park Boys Season 8.

  • calf suck dick

No idea.

  • mary wiseman ass

Multiple searches here.  Mary Wiseman plays the character of Sylvia Tilly on Star Trek: Discovery.  And sadly this is not the first time Mary’s derriere has made this list.

  • english lebrain sex story

My best guess is that some people think “lesbian” is spelled “lebrain”.  Otherwise I’m curious.  I’d like to read this story myself!

  • /de/video/182513/three-teen-striptease-on-webcam

This is now the second time this one has made the list.  How.  The fuck.  Does THAT lead HERE??

See ya next time for more WTFs.

 

WTF Search Terms: Snake the Tattoo Man edition

WTF SEARCH TERMS XLII: Snake the Tattoo Man edition

It has been six months since the last WTF Search Terms, and in that time, search terms have been dominated by the one and only Snake the Tattoo Man.

Snake is a character I encountered back in the Record Store days, as recounted in Record Store Tales Part 118:  Famous Persons.  There are three main things Snake is known for:

  1. Getting over 90% of his body tattooed.
  2. Being a guest on the Phil Donahue show because of discrimination against his tattoos.
  3. Subsequently starring in the Helix music video for “Running Wild in the 21st Century”.

People have been doing as lot of searching for Snake in 2019.  They don’t always get the video right (Helix), or the TV show (Donahue) or the city (London).  But they sure do wanna do see the Snake!  I’ve highlighted some of the funniest mistakes.

  • aerosmith video featuring snake tattoo man
  • bill also known as snake lots of tattoos from st thomas ont that was in a movie and on montel show around 1991-2000
  • pictures of a guy named snake in london ontario with tatoos
  • pictures of snake the tattoo man london ontario
  • image of snake the tattoed man from london on
  • snake london ontario
  • snake london ontario tattoo
  • snake tatto man
  • snake the tatto man
  • snake from london ontario
  • snake man covered in tattoos
  • london ontario snake guy
  • brantford man named bill fully tattooed
  • snake’s first claim to fame was appearing on the phil donahue show
  • helix what was snake mans tattoos real name he is from london ont
  • phil donahue with snake man tattoo guy london ont

Learn more about Snake in the MuchMusic interview below, taken from my personal collection!

 

WTF Comments: Prisoners in Max’s Paradise edition

You gotta give Max [not The Axe, as far as we know] credit for this scorcher.  We don’t agree on Prisoners in Paradise by Europe, and that’s OK.  I was harsh on the album so Max was harsh on me.

I don’t know what the fuck this reviewer got stuck in his ears; a dead cat!?

Good one for sure.  Max goes on:

He complains about some songs being “pop” songs. Well what the fuck do you think this band is, Metallica??

Of course not, Max.  But have you heard of this album called Europe, by the band Europe?  Not a pop record, bud.  Not a pop record.

I don’t care. I like ’em. 

That’s cool Max.  I like ’em too.  Cool yer jets, bro!

For Max’s full comment click here.  Thanks for reading, anyway!

WTF Comments: Disqualified Forever edition

All I ever wanted to do is write rock reviews!  But I can’t anymore, because I’ve been “Disqualified Forever” by “WASPfan”…at least as far as Motley Crue goes.  This is a real shame since I haven’t reviewed Dr. Feelgood yet.  I guess now I never will?

What got me disqualified?  My review of Motley Crue’s awesome 1994 album with John Corabi.  WASPfan prefers Vince Neil’s solo debut Exposed, which is fine since it’s also a great album.  My scores for both are only half a star apart.  Read on!

You have got to be kidding me! Vince Neil/Exposed was a much better album than Motley Crue/Motley Crue. I’ve owned this album for 20 years and have yet to be able to get through it in one listen. Is there some good music, yes. But you can almost hear the impersonation of Vince Neil the way certain songs are sung.

Dude, Vince Neil couldn’t sing the way Corabi sings on Motley Crue if he had a voice transplant.  There is simply no comparison between the two singers, at all.  Apples and oranges!

I have always thought the Crue should re-record this with Vince on vocals, just to show people what could have been. Motley Crue thought they could pull a Van Halen, and the fact is they couldn’t. They got a singer who’s defining moment in Metal History will be failing at replacing Vince Neil, and this comes from someone who owned, and loved, The Scream album before Corabi ever joined the Crue.

Hey man, be nice.  Corabi was also in Ratt.

If Corabi had “it” he wouldn’t be on tour right now with the gimic [sic] of singing the Motley Crue/Motley Crue album from start to finish. He’d be headlining in his own band, singing his own songs. This album, while good musically, barely rates 3 out of 5 stars. To put Theatre of Pain and Girls, Girls, Girls below this album should disqualify your opinion on all things Motley now and forever.

Now that I have been disqualified, I plan on taking up a new hobby.  Visit me here for all the latest on nude cycling, coming soon!