joey tempest

#1013: “Joey” – The Joey Tempest Conspiracy, 7 Years Later

RECORD STORE TALES #1013: “Joey” – The Joey Tempest Conspiracy, 7 Years Later

I think with the distance of seven years, we can finally put the Joey Tempest Conspiracy Theory to bed.  “What conspiracy,” you ask?  It all started in March of 2015 when a writer friend of mine, Tommy Morais, contributed an excellent review of the Europe album, War of Kings.  He rated it 4/5 stars, and said “I praise Europe for giving us a true great hard rock record in 2015”.  You’d think there was nothing controversial about Tommy’s review, but on June 13 of that year…everything changed.

A reader going by the name “Carrieanne” dropped a massive, monolithic comment one morning, explaining that Joey Tempest was no longer in fact Joey Tempest.  He had been replaced by a doppleganger.  A satanic one at that.  According to Carrieanne, “since the middle of 1989, the real Joey Tempest is not in this band, and Joey was truly the only one who has made this group huge with his talents, awesomeness and uniqueness!! And since 26 years, there’s such a horrible imposter and liar in this ‘group’, that’s not the real Joey Tempest!!”

“The real Joey Tempest had to leave the group because of this horrible liar!! It’s so obvious and so clear to see that it’s just someone different (unless you’re blind and deaf, like bunch of ignorants [sic]).”  On and on it goes, a massive diatribe praising Joey, attacking the fans who enabled the replacement’s acceptance, and of course, religious weirdness.  “You are worshipping the devil!!!” said Carrieanne.    But all is not lost.  The real Joey, one day, will come back.  There’s a really messianic angle to this whole comment.  Carrieanne ties the lyrics to “Danger on the Track” and “The Final Countdown” to a prophecy of this great replacement, like biblical verse.

“Are you on drugs?” asked Jompa Wilmenius, of E-Tainment News.  Reader Derek commented, “I can see you made the mistake of spilling meth into your coffee this morning champ.”

You can’t help but see similarities to conspiracy theories today.  I’m reminded of Romana Didulo, a woman who claims to be the “Queen of Canada”.  Canada already has a monarch and his name is Charles III, but I digress.  Tens of thousands of followers legitimately believe Didulo to be the legitimate Queen of Canada, as she tours the country in a beat up RV and feeds her followers tins of sardines.  And just like with Queen Romana, acolytes of the weird soon emerged to talk about Joey Tempest.  Things got even weirder.

Admittedly, this next part is kind of my fault.  With co-writer 1537, we cooked up a parody review of War of Kings, playing up the whole replacement angle.  For example, we wrote:  “Just look at the songs here!  ‘Children of the Night’.  The real Joey would never have written a song about ‘children of the night’,  ‘California 405’ is the highway that O.J. Simpson was chased down – a definite clue that there was something more going on here than meets the eye!  Why would Europe specifically reference that notorious highway unless they were implying some sort of wrongdoing behind the scenes?”

We guffawed and high-fived and hoped Carrieanne would drop another bizarre comment.  That is not exactly what happened.

While everyone else seemed to get the joke, someone named Doreen, who typed completely in capslock, said:  “I know Joey Tempest, and can I assure you that this is completely and utterly ludicrous.”

We laughed some more, as one person clearly did not get the joke.  We thought it was pretty obvious.  With lines such as “Joey would NEVER let his hair go flat like that, wake up people,” I really did think it was an obvious joke post.

We mocked Doreen a bit, but then shortly after, a new player entered the field.  Miranda, claiming to be Joey’s wife, also did not get the joke.  “Must post fast since I’m sure the guys in white coats [are] coming for ya,” she said.  Miranda claimed to have Joey Tempest’s birth certificate, marriage certificate, childrens’ birth certificates, and a DNA report.  (I’m not sure what good a DNA report will do us.)

I followed Miranda to her YouTube channel, where she goes by the name “TheMirandaTempest”.  On this page, she has poorly dubbed her vocals onto classic Europe ballads, to create fake “duets” with her “husband” Joey.  Joey’s wife, incidentally, was also publicly known to be Lisa Worthington, not somebody named Miranda.  So now, we had two different delusions.  We had Carrieanne who said Joey Tempest was replaced by a satanic doppleganger in some bizarre conspiracy.  Now we also had Miranda, who was posing as Joey’s wife online.  And things would get even weirder still.

We know now that there was at least one Facebook page posing as Joey Tempest at that time.  Imposters, of the online variety, were of actual concern.  You can see why as we go on.

As Miranda’s comment was thoroughly mocked by readers, others came to her defence.  Doreen claimed again she knew the real Joey Tempest, but I think the person she knew was probably that fake Joey on Facebook.  Once she realized that several commenters were trying to explain the joke to her, she became angry.  She did not find it funny.  Neither did Joey Tempest, or his wife, she claimed.

Ironically, I had heard from Jompa Wilmenius that the real John Levén of Europe did find it funny.

Soon, Doreen’s partner Billy Low entered the fray.

“Joakim Larsson [Joey’s real name] and his wife are personal friends of mine. They are also personal friends of my partner. We ask him to do cover versions of songs for us, which he does. We also met him recently. A fake? Plastic surgery? Don’t make me laugh! Are you one of those who is going to write a book about this, hoping to make money? If so, forget that idea. Anyone with even a shred of common sense would know that what you are claiming is pure fabrication. If l wasn’t so furious about this, l can assure you that l would laugh my head off!”

They met him recently.  They. Met. Him. Recently.  Whooboy.  His wife Miranda…”You read what Joey’s wife has said on here,” said Billy Low.  The person claiming to be his wife, who is not his wife, because his wife was Lisa Worthington, you mean.

It’s really easy to understand how the Queen of Canada has followers when you see stuff like this.  She’s told her followers not to pay their bills, as Canada is illegitimate.  She is the Queen, and she says don’t pay your bills.  So these Canadians — homeowners! — are having their electricity turned off.  This is happening as we speak.  And they believe in their Queen even harder.

The very active comments section rolled on, with one comparing the situation to Matthew Trippe who claimed to be Nikki Sixx at one point.

I later received a threat on Facebook from Billy Low, because I misgendered him as a woman.  I didn’t know.  I just assumed it was a group of Joey fangirls.  When he said Doreen was his “partner” that didn’t clear it up.  The best part about this is that it drew out someone actually claiming to be Joey Tempest.  Posted Joey:  “The ‘real’ Joey Tempest is alive and well and still the same person,but even Rockstars have their secrets!!!!!!!!”

From the comments’ IP addresses, I learned the following.  Billy and Doreen didn’t even live on the same continent as Miranda, so I’m not sure how they are close personal friends.  Carrieann was in Poland, and had the same IP address as another commenter “Someone X”.  It was all so very strange.

Strange, yet in the context of what we see in the world today, pretty tame stuff.  Nobody’s losing their house because they think Joey was replaced by a satanic lookalike, or because they pose as Joey’s wife online.  As least, we hope they don’t.

Billy Low accused me of making the story up to write a book and make money.  While that was certainly untrue, I admittedly did milk the posts for hits as much as I could.  They were very popular!  One or more of the Joey Tempest posts tended to stay in the top 10 for hits, for a long time.  I won’t apologize for that.  Entertaining the masses can be a thankless job.  I probably earned enough in advertizing dollars from the Joey posts to buy a few coffees.  Sue me, Billy!

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WTF Search Terms: дип перпл edition

WTF SEARCH TERMS XLV: дип перпл edition

 

  • купить бутлеги дип перпл на сд 

It’s so rare that you see anything other than the English alphabet in search terms.  This one translates as “buy bootlegs deep purple on cd” but sadly none of my music is for sale.  I’m just blown away that Googling it led to my site.  As for the below….

  • home urinals?

I’m not surprised that Googling this leads to me.  At all.

  • what color eyes does joey tempest have
  • long big hair band joey tempest gay kiss

I’m convinced that Joey Tempest has the most obsessed fans in the world.  And not in a healthy way!

  • steve augeri shirtless

If former Journey singer Steve Augeri has shirtless photos out there, they are not to be found here.

  • quiet riot band sex tape

Again…not to be found here.  Why would you want this?  Even Kevin DuBrow didn’t want to see Kevin DuBrow naked.

  • is rogu roger son

It’s complicated but the simplest answer is “yes”.  I’m just proud that this one led to me!

  • trailer park boys europe parents guide
  • thank santa’s tits tpb

Trailer Park Boys search terms always make me chuckle.  A “parents guide”??  Oh my God, somebody out there thinks there is a parents’ guide!  As for “Thank Santa’s tits”, that’s one of Ricky’s memorable quotes from the show.

And finally, my favourite search term:

  • superbad the singer jimmys brother actor

That would be Michael Cera, who performed the greatest version of “These Eyes” ever sung  by anyone.  You remember.  My brother drove all the way from Scottsdale Arizona to be here tonight, and you’re not gonna sing for him?  You sing, and sing good!

REVIEW: Europe – Last Look at Eden (2009)

EUROPE – Last Look at Eden (2009 Ear Music)

When it was released on September 9 2009, Joey Tempest and Ian Haughland were quoted talking about how this was the best album Europe had done in the reunion era. I personally don’t agree; I think Start From the Dark is the best. However that’s not a slight against Last Look at Eden, a regal very European platter of great songs.  From rockers, to ballads, to blues (like the closing epic “In My Time”), Last Look at Eden is a well-rounded Europe album.

You can tell what you’re in for right from the opening prelude: Grand arrangements, lush recording. The Europe of old, in the world of today. This goes straight into the title track, a sort of “Final Countdown” for the new era. Indeed, Last Look at Eden combines sounds from Europe’s past, brought sharply into the new millennium. A good example is “New Love in Town”, a great ballad that would go toe-to-toe with the lush landmark ballads this band did in the 80’s.  There’s even a hint of Zeppelin on “Mojito Girl”.  I hear a smidge of Marillion in “No Stone Unturned”.  Elsewhere you will find groove, such as on the driving “Gonna Get Ready”.  “The Beast” is unstoppable!  If it wasn’t for Joey Tempest’s voice and the thick tone of John Norum, you wouldn’t know it was Europe.  But it is, and has the kind of chorus that they do so well.

To me the weakest parts of this album were some of the lyrics, “Catch That Plane” being the worst. It’s not 1986 anymore guys.  “It’s getting hard, so very hard, I’m gonna need some attention.”  What on Earth could Joey be singing about?  “Catch that plane and get your ass, your pretty ass over here.”  Oh.

I also find the album cover to be a poor representation of the music inside.  It’s not bad, with the apple (“Eden”) and the ferrofluid spikes.  Everybody will have their own interpretation, but it just doesn’t do the music justice.

There are two bonus tracks on this edition, more on different editions. Here you get a live version of the old B-side track, “Yesterday’s News”, probably the best version of this song released yet. There is also a live version of “Wake Up Call” from Start From The Dark.

Pretty damn good.  Lots of killer, only a little filler.

4/5 stars

#852: On The Loose

GETTING MORE TALE #852: On The Loose

Though they formed in 1979 and were already on their third album, I didn’t notice Europe until 1986.  Even then, I managed to ignore their first few airings on MuchMusic’s Pepsi Power Hour.  Host J.D. (John) Roberts made a big deal out of the fact that they were from Sweden, which I didn’t understand since Yngwie Malmsteen was also from Sweden and nobody mentioned that as the most interesting thing about him.  Roberts warned us that Europe didn’t really sound like heavy metal but they were playing them anyway.

After the second or third run, the hook to “The Final Countdown” was stuck in my head and I decided that I liked the band.  I asked for their album for Easter of 1987.  What did I think about this new band from Sweden when the Easter bunny granted my wish?

Didn’t care for it much. The title track still had me hooked, and a song on side two called “Cherokee” was a sure-fire hit.  The rest of it sounded like awkward filler.  “Rock, now, rock the night!”  What kind of chorus was that?  I knew English wasn’t their first language but it didn’t hook me. Likewise “Stranger on the Track”, which I still envision as a guy running around on a 400 meter track & field course.  Even the mighty “Ninja” slipped past me with lines like, “If I were a noble ancient knight, I’d stand by your side to rule and fight.”  As for “Carrie”, it was just too soft.

But I was committed now; I had received this cassette tape as a gift and I had to give it a fair chance.  “Ninja” did rock, and so did a song called “On the Loose” on side two.  It was this song that rocked the hardest.  It also featured some amazing shredding by guitarist John Norum, which turned me into a fan.  That and his cool guitar strap.

By summer it was safe to say that I really liked the album.  Once the big singles wore themselves out on me, I found favourites on side two.  “Love Chaser”, “Heart of Stone”, “Time Has Come” and of course “On the Loose” were great songs.  As I learned more about the band, I discovered that John Norum had already departed and been replaced by Kee Marcello, who was in the video for “Rock the Night”.  But all anybody remembers about “Rock the Night” now is Joey singing into a ketchup bottle. the band miming their instruments on silverware in a diner.

Though clearly dated to a specific part of the 80s, The Final Countdown still stands as a thoroughly enjoyable album. Every song is fondly remembered.  It’s brighter and more instantly appealing than its following Out of This World.  Though they burned out by ’92, they have enjoyed a quality second era with Norum back in the fold.  Who could have imagined that back in ’87?

REVIEW: Europe – “The Final Countdown 2000” (Single)

“Oh God!  What did I just listen to?” – J from Resurrection Songs

EUROPE – “The Final Countdown 2000” (1999 Sony single)

As we edge closer to the start of a new decade, it’s the perfect time to look back at the turn of the millennium, 20 whole years ago.   Sony decided that Europe’s “The Final Countdown” would make the ideal anthem for the millennium, and so had it remixed by the guy (Brian Rawling) who did Cher’s “Believe” a year earlier.  Joey Tempest was not amused, and tried to find another mixer without success.  Drummer Ian Haughland called the finished remix a “disaster”.

The full 5:45 remix was released as a single, while a 3:47 edit version was issued on a new version of Europe’s “greatest hits”, with title updated from 1982-1992 to 1982-2000.  At least the millennium led to a performance by a reunited Europe on New Year’s Eve featuring both guitarists John Norum and Kee Marcello.

The full length remix is the antithesis to rock music.  Sped up, with bouncy synth bass and drums, it was obviously calculated for dancing.  There are keyboards, weird sounds, and samples that have nothing to do with the song.  Of the original recording, Joey’s vocals remain, but the rest sounds completely digital.  It goes on, and on.  The edit is tolerably shorter, but barely.  “The Final Countdown 2000” is an affront to rock music and everything its fans enjoy.  It is pure pandering to people who would never have bought a Europe album in the first place.  Is that what Sony felt they had to do in order to make it a hit a second time?  Imagine if Europe recorded a new version with both guitarists instead.  The song was already pop enough to be a hit again on the wave of 80s nostalgia.  It didn’t need to be mutilated to fit into a dance remix.  It surely would have done better than this (#6 in Sweden, #36 in the UK).

As a consolation prize, this CD single includes a single edit of the original song.  All it’s missing is the countdown opening.  After hearing the dance version twice, it sounds strangely sluggish (even though it’s not).  It’s like taking an offramp from the highway into normal traffic.

Possibly the worst single I’ve ever bought.  And I’ve bought Puff Daddy.

0.5/5 stars

WTF Comments: Prisoners in Max’s Paradise edition

You gotta give Max [not The Axe, as far as we know] credit for this scorcher.  We don’t agree on Prisoners in Paradise by Europe, and that’s OK.  I was harsh on the album so Max was harsh on me.

I don’t know what the fuck this reviewer got stuck in his ears; a dead cat!?

Good one for sure.  Max goes on:

He complains about some songs being “pop” songs. Well what the fuck do you think this band is, Metallica??

Of course not, Max.  But have you heard of this album called Europe, by the band Europe?  Not a pop record, bud.  Not a pop record.

I don’t care. I like ’em. 

That’s cool Max.  I like ’em too.  Cool yer jets, bro!

For Max’s full comment click here.  Thanks for reading, anyway!

WTF Search Terms: Surströmming edition

WTF SEARCH TERMS XXXVIII:  Surströmming edition

Heyo, LeBrainiacs!  It’s time for more WTF Search Terms, those weird and wacky things that people typed into search engines to bring them here.  I’ve gathered 10 more for your enjoyment.

People often search for “naked lebrains”.  Should I be flattered?  Setting the record right, once and for all:  I have never, and will never, do porn.  I’m glad that you keep searching for it, but give it up will ya?

  • lebrain hot dee
  • www . sex photo lebraln fucking

This isn’t a how-to site, but I loved this next question.  It had to be from a Trailer Park Boys fan.  Nobody else would think of it.  Bless you, whoever you are:

  • i want to turn my living room into an ice rink

True north strong and free!

These folks also had some Trailer Park Boys questions:

  • in tpb europe do they throw up

It sure looked like they did, in Stockholm after opening a can of putrid of fish called surströmming.  Nothing appeared to be faked for the cameras!

  • what episode is the trailer park boys where they go to denmark

I know this is hard to believe, but it’s the episode called “Copenhagen”.  Because it’s the capital of Denmark.  C’mon guys, use your heads before asking Siri to find out for you.

  • trailer park boys europe wheres randy and lahey

Not in Europe.

  • trailer park boys quotes they’re canadians they don’t know any better

I plead the Fifth.

This next one is related to Kiss.  I wish this is what I titled from review of Kiss at the Ritz:

  • kiss shit fits at ritz review

And then there’s this, obviously triggered by “Kiss” and “Maiden” who I’ve reviewed, but I don’t know what this person was searching for:

  • I fear they kiss，gentle maiden

And then in the “Conspiracy Theory that Just Won’t Die” category…guess who’s back!?

  • joey tempest lookalike

 

Thanks for checking out these search terms.  Subscribe so you never miss any!

 

 

REVIEW: Europe – Best Ballads (unauthorized Russian release)

EUROPE – Best Ballads (1999 unofficial Russian compilation)

Ah Russian imports!  Those funky and cheaply printed covers, the lack of liner notes or label information…how quaint.  It is clear the Tempest Administration had no collusion with anyone in Russia.  Yet the Russians did hack their database and release Best Ballads anyway, a weird collection of 12 Europe songs and three solo tracks by Joey Tempest.  This CD originated during the period right before Europe’s triumphant reunion album Start From the Dark, so Best Ballads only contains music from the first five Europe discs.

Because it’s unauthorized and the Russians can do whatever they want, why not have both versions of “Open Your Heart” on one CD?  The sweeping 1988 version from Out of this World inaugurates the album, a brilliant version often forgotten in favour of the 1984 original.  What’s the difference?  John Norum played on the 1984 version from Wings of Tomorrow, and the re-recording has his replacement Kee Marcello.  The 1988 version also has more modern keyboards added.  Since both are included, you don’t have to pick a favourite.  We can all agree it truly is one of Europe’s Best Ballads.

What else is present?  The “big one” of course, which would be “Carrie”.  It’s the only track from The Final Countdown, because it was the only hit ballad from that album.  Other crucial Europe ballads:  “Dreamer” (Wings of Tomorrow), “Coast to Coast” and “Tomorrow” (both from Out of this World).  All timeless and flawless ballads.  From their first album (1983’s Europe) are a couple songs I wouldn’t have considered ballads.  In my review, I stated that “Words of Wisdom” has “an acoustic verse [but] that doesn’t make it a ballad!”  The other track, “Return of the King”, is “still pretty epic and wouldn’t be considered wimpy by anyone”.  Do they belong on a CD called Best Ballads?  Who gives a fuck; it’s just a Russian import!

You’ll even find a couple rarities included.  “Sweet Love Child” and “I’ll Cry For You (Acoustic version)” are both B-sides from the Prisoners in Paradise (1991) period.   The title track “Prisoners in Paradise” is also present but again, not really a ballad.  Either way…all the Europe tunes included are fantastic no matter how you classify them.  Each one has at least a foot in ballad territory so it all works out.

But what about those Joey Tempest “bonus tracks”?  Surprisingly good and un-Europe.  “Under the Influence” flies close to adult contemporary levels.  “Lord of the Manner” could have been a hit for Rod Stewart, but that’s not a bad thing!  This is more like soft rock than balladeering.  “Elsewhere” sounds more like a ballad, enhanced with strings and all the accoutrements.  All good songs and worth checking out.

Europe’s Best Ballads is not a bad little CD, but being an unofficial release, it’s difficult to reason out a rating out of 5.  I did the best I could.

/5 ЗВЕЗДЫ

WTF Search Terms: Celebrity Gossip edition

WTF SEARCH TERMS XXXIV: Celebrtity Gossip edition

WTF search terms are fewer and further between today. But they still trickle in, oh yes they do! This time out, people found their way to my site searching for gossip. Have a look below at the bizarre things that people Google:

  • regina russell fucked by frankie bnali photos

Nooooo.  No no no.  That’s something you could not un-see.

  • did steve perry have long hair once

Yes and it was beautiful.

  • bobby dall sexual gossip

One of those things that just makes you question why.

  • how big is orlando bloom’s wang
  • orlando boom wang

It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.

  • gene simmons is a wanker

Gene prefers the term Asshole.

  • geoff tate is a douche

Aaron prefers the term “Stabby”.

  • does joey tempest sings live on stage?

Yes.

  • fake joey tempest facebook

Yes, there have been a few.

  • is miranda larsson married to joey tempest ???

Noooooo.

  • joey tempest shirtless

You’re welcome.

 

 

 

 

REVIEW: Europe – Almost Unplugged (2009)

scan_20161012EUROPE – Almost Unplugged (2009 MVD Audio)

“Almost Unplugged“?  The devil is this?

This was a special show in Sweden, with Europe playing some of their best material (with a few covers) in a largely acoustic setting.  There are strings, but there are also keyboards and electric guitar.  The best of both worlds!

The band were riding a high wave then, which has really not dissipated since.  They had done a couple well received reunion albums (Start From the Dark and Secret Society) and were working on music that many fans consider a peak (Last Look at Eden).  Europe have long been an under appreciated band, but Almost Unplugged should win over even the staunchest critic.

“Got to Have Faith” opened Europe’s reunion album Start From the Dark, so it works triumphantly as a concert opener.  Here, it is laid back, bluesy with slippery guitars.  “Forever Travelling” from Secret Society follows hot on its heels.  The string quartet adds drama to this song, which works naturally in the acoustic setting.  From the same album is the killer track “Devil Sings the Blues”, highlighted by some splendid John Norum electric guitar noodling.

Every time Europe does a cover, it becomes an album highlight.  The acoustic “Wish You Were Here” is beautiful and not at all overdone.  Thin Lizzy’s “Suicide” is full on electric, and pretty spot-on, especially considering that Lizzy were a two-guitar band while Europe has a guitar and a keyboard.  Covering Led Zeppelin is always risky but “Since I’ve Been Loving You” is surprisingly great.  Joey doesn’t try to copy Robert Plant, but he certainly can sing the blues just fine.  (Hey!  Maybe the devil really does sing the blues!  Oh, you devil you!)  Just as importantly, Norum plays some electrifying guitar blues over this monster of a cover.  The most brilliant cover however is a UFO song:  “Love to Love”.  More than any other, this one sounds like Europe owned it.  It’s very well suited to their dramatic rock stylings, and they absolutely kill it.  If there was one track worth buying the CD for, you just found it.

The Europe originals that make up the bulk of the album span the entire history of the band.  From the first LP is “Memories”, which in its original version was a brutally heavy stampede.  Here, it is an acoustic gallop, just as aggressive, but with subtlety.  The piano ballad “Dreamer” comes from the second album, an unsung classic that was a few years shy of fame.  The fame and fortune finally came on 1986’s The Final Countdown, and of course the title track is played.  In its acoustic version there is no synth hook; it instead played by the string quartet.  It’s trippy to hear it done like this; a little strangeness for fun.  “Superstitious” (from 1988’s Out of This World) sounds more natural in this format.  It’s also refreshing to hear Joey’s voice crack in a couple places.  That means this is really truly live.

One should always familiarize with the originals first, but even if you don’t have them, Almost Unplugged should be well enjoyed by any discerning rock fan who doesn’t mind when the acoustics come out.

4.5/5 stars

scan_20161012-2