Part 304: The Richard Parker Files

RICHARD PARKER

RECORD STORE TALES Part 304: The Richard Parker Files

Don’t you hate it when you see an able-bodied driver flagrantly park his or her vehicle in a no-parking zone? That’s one that drives me nuts. For example, at one of the local malls, you’ll see people constantly parking in the lane where the NO PARKING signs are quite clearly visible. They run into the cash machine and run out again, even though there is a 15 minute parking spot available right near the cash machines, that is always empty.

Obviously these people must be in a rush. They may feel like they are more important than you or me and everyone else who actually properly parks their vehicle in a spot. It might be a fire lane, but no firetrucks were about to pull up, were they?

Maybe it’s just the asshole in me, but I didn’t like to see that in the Record Store Days. Once in a while, I wouldn’t serve a customer who parked in front of the store. Especially when I can see dozens of empty spots mere meters away. My store was not in a busy plaza. There were always close spots available. The laziness and attitude of entitlement really ground my gears.

I recall one instance very clearly. A young man pulled up to my store one store morning, and parked on the curb. There were NO PARKING signs along that curb that he chose to ignore. He came in with a bag of CDs for me to buy.

“Hi. How are you? I want to sell these,” he said.

“Sure!” I said with a broad smile. “Why don’t you go and move your car to a parking spot, and I’ll get right on it.”

He paused a moment, but had no problem with my request. “Sure, I’ll be right back,” he said. We did the transaction and I had no problems with the guy. I just politely asked him to move his car for me to proceed, and he did. No big deal.

I didn’t do that often. You could tell when the customer wouldn’t have listened to you anyway. But I looked at it as a service. Once, a guy got ticketed right out front and he didn’t notice. I was working at another location, with a more cramped parking lot. Likewise the curb lane was also narrower. It pissed me off when people parked in it, making it hard for others to get around, but it happened every day.

This guy pulled up, parked on the curb, and shopped around. I saw the parking control person outside the window, writing tickets. I laughed to myself. The customer was too busy looking for CDs to notice, even though his car was right out the window.

The parking control lady left a nice ticket on his windshield. The driver was in my store for about half an hour, and didn’t notice until he was done. I had to chuckle. That’s what happens when you’re a Richard Parker.

22 comments

    2. I saw that picture ages ago (I think it was on Harlan, so that’ll tell you how long ago, Mike), but had forgotten. Man, my kids have boxes of sidewalk chalk from the dollar store. Adding some of it to my trunk (for future use) tonight!

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  2. Where I work, you’d think there needs to be a course for parking etiquette. Since I started working there, my car has been victim to big scratches on the bumper from people turning into the spot next to me and not being aware of the size of their car versus space between. Assholes! And they’ll of course, move spots quickly so by the time I leave for the day, I have no idea who did it. I have taken to parking my car far out and walking, but others have the same idea, so I’ll often still find people parked next to me. No incidences in the last year, but man, you can’t keep anything nice for too long.

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      1. That’s the perfect name for them. My car has two, on either side of the back bumper (matching :) ). That is why I don’t care too much about having a nice looking car. Sooner or later someone will wreck it.

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        1. Yeah and it’s always heartbreaking when it happens when the car is new.

          My mom had an accident in a brand new car about 5-6 years ago…it was a week old and somebody T-boned it. Wrote it off. She was so upset.

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  5. Don’t get me started on bad parking. My depth perception totally sucks but I can get a van into a normal British size parking space if need to. So those driving minis have no excuse. What I hate worse is when you find the only space left in the car park and one of the nit wits next to it has parked over the line. You manage to get your car in between the lines ok but while you were attending to your business, both the bad parker and the guy parked on the other side of you have come out to their cars and the guy on the other side, seeing the empty space next to you and your car a bit to close to his, leaves a nasty note on your winsdscreen about your parking.

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  6. In the case of the picture above, I’ve seen people do this when they want to protect their car, like, it’s a 1991 Porsche 911 Turbo and they really don’t want Grandma and Grandpa Cletus hitting it with their boat of an Oldsmobile. I get that. Those people usually park way to hell and gone where no one else typically parks, specifically to avoid accidents (an ounce of prevention). That, to me, makes sense. But a Nissan?? Haha no Sorry.

    I live in a town of retirees. That, right there, oughta tell you that we take our lives in our hands every time we put our car on the road. Speed limits, turning signals and the lines on the road are just fucking suggestions. Add to that that they probably can’t see too well. It’s awesome.

    I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve ranted that there oughta be law changes enforced by police, a real crack-down on jack-assery. Or maybe a Citizens On Patrol set-up, where people who volunteer use their cell phone to relay plate numbers of jackasses to traffic cops.

    mandatory license testing for everyone, once they get their license, every five years. I would gladly pay for it with my taxes or out of pocket. The number of traffic accidents and violations would go WAY down. People get their license, see that as validation that they’re good drivers, and then proceed to drive however the fuck they want for the rest of their lives. If you were born in 1930, and got your license after the war in 1946, you’re 84 now. That means they’ve been thinking they’re perfect drivers (I’ve never had an accident!) for 68 fucking years. No. Test everyone. Make it a pain in the ass and make the test HARD. This is not a formailty and a blowjob, on you go. Seriously tough traffic and vehicular operations questions, and no excuses. You don’t pass, you don’t fricking drive unless and until you do pass. Driving is a privilege, not a right. Earn it.

    And parking! Oh man. Speaking of the lines being a mere suggestion or, at worst, an inconvenience to your day. “That’s good enough” is no way to park your vehicle, jerk-off! Now, that’s just any old space everywhere I go. It’s insane. I was gonna start a blog of cell phone pics of every dumbass parking job I saw, but there’s just too much of it. I wouldn’t be able to keep up. The number of people I know who will drive around the block instead of parallel parking is boggling. People don’t even know how to back up? Go back to the testing station, baby. And good luck to you.

    The other one I love is getting wedged into a space between two gigantic penis-compensating Ford F-250s with super-size tires. Try backing out of THAT space. Assholes. They’re everywhere.

    Seriously folks, when you get behind the wheel of your vehicle, you’re piloting 2500 pounds of steel, glass, plastic and rubber at speeds high enough that stopping takes a bit of time. So keep in the moment and follow the rules. Even when parking. It’s really very simple. If not, we’d love to test you until you get it right.

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    1. Paragraph 4 ought to begin with:

      “Personally, I am a huge proponent of the idea of mandatory…”

      I don’t know why, somehow that text got removed and I only noticed after comment was posted.

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        1. Wow, I appreciate you doing the research on this!

          Parking is such a simple thing. It should be one of the easiest things you do in your day. If you have to park in a spot a few meters further away, then do it. You probably need the exercise!

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  7. Awesome timing on this story. I was picking up fish on my way home from work today and there was about 8 cars in the parking lot and someone picking up food at the Thai place next door. There were probably 6 spots right in front of the restaurant with no one in it and this “genius” decided to park up on the curb. What made it even more hilarious is that parking on the curb actually put him further away from the door then if he would have just parked in a spot.

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