The rock press went nuts for Bonham in ’89. Finally, after long wait, the son of legendary Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham finally made his move into the music world. Fans had seen him in The Song Remains the Same. Some knew that Jason Bonham jammed with Zeppelin in 1988 at Atlantic’s 40th anniversary bash. It was a much more successful reunion than 1985’s Live Aid.
The music world in 1989 was far removed from the days of Zeppelin. Pretty boys with big hair and flashy videos were the norm. Bands who could get up there and jam for 20 minutes or more on a single track were few. With much naiveté, the magazines drooled over Jason Bonham’s new band, simply and obviously called Bonham. The singer, a young Canadian named Daniel MacMaster, had the youthful curls and range of a young Robert Plant. The bassist, John Smithson, was a talented multi-instrumentalist just like John Paul Jones. The band had to be a quartet; there could be no other way. They tapped Bob Ezrin to produce, a guy who has never done anything that sounded like Led Zeppelin, but someone who was able to take young bands and push them ahead a few levels.
The resultant album The Disregard of Timekeeping attained a lot of attention, making many magazines’ year end lists. Best new group, best new album, etc. etc. And while it is an ambitious record for a debut, it does fall very short of those lofty marks.
Going for the bombastic, the CD opens with a two minute instrumental of keyboards, guitars, violins and the odd burst of drums. It makes little impact besides setting up the first single “Wait For You”. Conceptually, it sounds as if they collectively said, “Right, so let’s write a song that sounds like something that could have been on the next Zeppelin album after In Through the Out Door.” So it’s big, echoey and loaded with keyboards and effects. It does recall Zeppelin, particular the remarkable pipes of MacMaster. It has the necessary big chorus that you needed to have in 1989, and the two sides of rock that Bonham inhabited were melded together in fine fashion. “Wait For You” is a success, but Ezrin’s production in the late 80’s seemed hollow.
Is the Bonham DNA present? Yes, of course. It comes out most naturally via the drum parts, but a lot of the material sounds intentionally contrived. Still, there were a number of really good tracks on the album, enough to make it worth buying. Young Jason, sounding exactly like his dad, counts in the quality track “Guilty” with a “One, two, ha ha ha!” It sounds less like Led Zeppelin, and more like late-80’s Deep Purple. Which is fine of course; we’re talking about quality comparisons. Especially great though is John Smithson’s violin solo. I’m especially fond of the violin in rock music. I like out of the box thinking, and it’s this kind of experimentation that made Bonham more like Zeppelin in the long run. Smithson nails it with the perfect tone.
Another pretty decent tune is “Holding on Forever” which has a Zep funk, with a modern 80’s chorus. “Dreams” though is nearly tanked by a long intro, featuring a guy coming home, brushing his teeth, setting his alarm and going to bed. Yes, that is correct. You have to listen to a guy coming home, brushing his teeth, and going to bed. You gotta blame Bob Ezrin for that mistake. Who wants to buy a rock album and sit through a guy brushing his teeth…only to get a ballad out of it? At least “Dreams” is a decent, progressive sounding ballad, but in the CD/mp3 age, how many people are gonna hit “skip” before the actual song, while the guy hasn’t finished brushing his teeth?
Having unloaded their best songs on side one, the second side is a bit of a chore to complete. Songwriting was not the band’s strongest suit. The two best songs (“Wait For You” and “Guilty”) were co-written by Bob Ezrin, and I don’t think that’s insignificant. Other songs on the album, such as “Playing To Win”, “Cross Me and See”, and “Just Another Day”, are competent. What they lack is the magical ingredient that makes a song stay with you forever. Bonham embraced the past and present, modern production and old-fashioned playing, but that alone was not enough to forge a truly great album.
Finally the album left one of the most impressive songs for the end, “Room For Us All”, an ambitious track over seven minutes long. Soft and anthemic, “Room For Us All” has subtlety that is missing elsewhere on the album. It’s an impressive end…but too little, too late.
Skid Row had the songs, but most importantly, they had the frontman. Only once in a blue moon does a congenital entertainer like Sebastian Back happen upon the scene. Born in the U.S. but raised in Canada, Bach had it all: the looks, the youth, the charisma, and most importantly the voice. He was a bull-headed bastard in those days too, but that is often a part of the frontman package. Bach was a dynamo, always “on”, and with that voice on his side, people paid attention.
Without Bach, would Skid Row ever have made the impact they did? Not to that degree, no. Sure they had Jon Bon Jovi in their corner (and to take them out on tour) but without Bach, Skid Row would have been just another hard rock band in 1989, the peak year for the genre. It can’t be understated how important the voice was. Bach had the power, range and unique style required, but he had it right out of the gate! The band was good too: Dave “Snake” Sabo, Rachel Bolan and Scotti Hill wrote some great, bone-shaking cock rocking tunes. Rob Affuso (today in Four by Fate with members of Frehley’s Comet) has long been an underrated drummer capable of some serious steppin’. With Michael Wagener in the producer’s chair, everything aligned and came up platinum.
Three major hit singles made the album a must-have. They were, of course, “Youth Gone Wild”, “18 and Life” and “I Remember You”. These have become their career-defining songs, particularly the ballad. “I Remember You” may have misled more than a few listeners when it first came out. This is not a ballad album, but a very hard rockin’ record. This wasn’t Bon Jovi. It was heavier than everybody else on the radio that summer: Motley, Warrant, Aerosmith, Van Halen, Def Leppard. Though it rocks hard, it’s still memorable.
With the benefit of hindsight, we know Skid Row were capable of so much more, and they delivered on the next album Slave to the Grind. Once they let the thrash metal and punk influences come out, the real Skid Row sound was conceived. Their debut is good, but the next two were even better.
Whether they know it or not, everybody has their first Wes Anderson movie. Mine was Rushmore, an easy entry point, and I had never seen anything like it before. It has a genuine quality, an old-fashioned look, and a killer soundtrack — all Wes Anderson trademarks.
The Criterion Collection (“a continuing series of important classics and contemporary films”) deliver some of the best colour transfers, and that is necessary for any Wes Anderson film. Soaked in dark but rich colours, Anderson fills his work with vibrancy. His visual trademarks are apparent right from the first scene, a hilarious fantasy sequence introducing our main protagonist Max Fischer (Jason Schwartzman). Max is more than a dreamer though. He is a doer. He dreams things and makes things happen. As such he is the founding (and sometimes sole) member of multiple clubs at Rushmore Academy. He writes, produces and directs lavish school plays with no thought given to compromise, or safety. Unfortunately, Max doesn’t dream much of his own schoolwork, and never seems to get it done. He is on notice. Fail one more class, and he’s expelled from the school he loves so much. Brian Cox (Super Troopers) is excellent as Dr. Guggenheim, the school principal.
Max soon meets steel magnate Herman Blume (Bill Murray), to the tune of “Making Time” by The Creation (1967). The retro music and formal dress at Rushmore Academy gives the movie a timeless feel. Could it be the 90’s? The 80’s? The 70’s? Sure, why not. Instead of working at getting his grades up, Max continues to dream. He dreams of saving the Latin program in school (for no real reason other than just to do it), and of new teacher Miss Cross (Olivia Williams). He’s a charmer, but often with ulterior motives. He and Blume manage to find a bond together. That is, before Blume himself falls for Miss Cross.
This leads to a strange rivalry between Max and Blume, with each jockeying for position in the Miss Cross stakes, with little thought given to how she feels about the whole thing. It also sets up some pretty amusing situations, such as Max trying to build a school aquarium for Miss Cross. He almost succeeds, too. Max is a hard character to read, as he often wants to make certain impressions. Blume, on the other hand, is clearly depressed, living in a sham of a marriage with two barbarian sons he doesn’t even seem to like. As their rivalry grows in intensity, so does the music, culminating in The Who’s epic live version of a “A Quick One While He’s Away” from the deluxe version of Live at Leeds. Wes Anderson has a knack for a musical montage too, and Cat Stevens’ “Here Comes My Baby” is host to one such montage. (Stevens also appears later on with “The Wind” in another song-appropriate scene.) The Stones’ “I Am Waiting” is more great music for marking the passage of time.
Max might not have been the best student, but genius does not always get good grades. His plays have an epic scope, and his aquarium does too: $35,000 cost, just for the initial plans. (Some of the aquatic movie footage that Max views may foreshadow a future Anderson film, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, starring Bill Murray). He’s also a perfectionist. When it comes to his plays, every line matters. “Don’t fuck with my play!” he screams to the star of his version of Serpico, right before getting punched right in the nose. Finally young Max possesses a razor sharp wit, which he uses at will especially when it comes to those he considers love rivals, like Peter Flynn (Luke Wilson).
Rushmore is an ode to the creative mind. After some humbling experiences, Max learns to use his inventiveness to bring people together. His final triumph, to the strains of “Ooh La La” (The Small Faces), is to bring all the film’s characters (even the bully student Magnus) together in solidarity. It’s all done with plenty of laughs, smiles and a few tears.
Wes Anderson utilizes a cast of talents he would work with repeatedly, with Bill Murray being the most obvious. Kumar Pallana as Mr. Litteljeans, the groundskeeper, was an Anderson regular. Brian Cox, who also participated in The Fantastic Mr. Fox, brings a sour delight to Dr. Guggenheim. Secret weapon in this movie however is Mason Gamble as Max’s ally Dirk Calloway. Another Anderson trademark is that each frame possesses astonishing detail and visual information. Like beautifully painted and impossibly detailed storyboards, his scenes have a life and tell a million stories in the background. Much like one of Max’s plays, actually.
Without a doubt, one of the best special DVD features is a selection of play adaptations by the Max Fischer Players, from the 1999 MTV Movie Awards. The players do their own on-stage takes of: Armageddon, The Truman Show, and Out of Sight. MTV were producing some very funny bits for their movie award shows at the time, and these are some of the best. Utilizing the original cast and familiar music from the film, these feel like a fairly natural extension of Rushmore.
Other valuable trinkets include an on-screen program for Max’s Vietnam drama Heaven & Hell, and his adaptation of Serpico. Of course there must be an audio commentary and that is by Wes Anderson, co-writer Owen Wilson, and star Jason Schwartzman. There are also the requisite making-of featurettes and supplements. The biggest selling feature of this Criterion edition for those who value physical products is the giant fold-out map. From here you can follow the events of the movie on a delightful full colour sketch by movie artist (and director’s brother) E.C. Anderson. In fact all the packaging for this DVD was designed by Anderson.
BON JOVI – “This House is Not For Sale” (2016 Island single)
THE GOOD: Decent song, a little bit of rock, some tasty guitar work from Phil X, very much another Bon Jovi singalong for the working man.
THE BAD: More of the same. We’ve heard Bon Jovi do this exact kind of song many times over the last 15 years. Apparently the addition of Phil X hasn’t injected much new into the sound.
THE UGLY: It’s nice to see Phil X and Hugh McDonald on the cover art…but why did it take 20 years to finally put a picture of Hugh on the cover?
The new Bon Jovi album This House is Not For Sale will be out October 21. It’s far too early to judge, but the lead single doesn’t indicate that much has changed in Jovi Land. If you liked their last bunch of albums (basically everything from Have a Nice Day to Burning Bridges) then you’ll enjoy “This House is Not For Sale”.
25 million copies sold. Seven hit singles. A two year world tour. All done under the most difficult circumstances. Def Leppard’s Hysteria is one of rock’s greatest triumphs.
Although the album was released in 1987, the Hysteria story really begins on December 31, 1984. Drummer Rick Allen lost control of his speeding Corvette, and was thrown from the vehicle due to improper use of seatbelts. His left arm was severed. Doctors attempted to re-attach the arm, but infection set in and it could not be saved. It would be understandable if people thought Rick’s career in music was finished. While many artists from Django Reinhardt to Tony Iommi had dealt with physical disabilities, nobody had ever seen a one-armed rock drummer before.
Undaunted, Allen began working on a way around his disability. The band never considered a future without him, and were disappointed by “ambulance chasers” looking for a gig. Rick Allen wasn’t about to allow himself to go down or dwell in his misery. With an electronic kit triggered by his feet and right hand, Allen eventually regained his ability to not only play drums, but play live. This resulted in an inevitable stylistic change. Allen’s drumming style became more staggered, with emphasis on bigger, spaced out snare hits. His electronic kit was no crutch: singer Joe Elliott said he could play it “and make it really sound terrible”.
The next album was supposed to be a big deal. It was Phil Collen’s first Def Leppard LP as a writer, and Rick’s chance to prove he wasn’t out. Unfortunately, when the band started to record, producer Robert John “Mutt” Lange was not available. Instead the band began to work with Jim Steinman (Meat Loaf), but were underwhelmed by the results they were getting. Leppard’s ambition was not just to make another album, but to make something seriously good, memorable and special. Something with the potential to be as big as Pyromania was. Steinman was let go and the band started working with Nigel Green with no progress being made.
The band were taking so long, and suffered so many setbacks and delays, that eventually Mutt Lange was available again, and together they finally began work on the new Def Leppard LP. Co-writing every song with the band, Mutt provided the focus and intense discipline. The stated goal, following the template of Michael Jackson’s Thriller, was to make an album with 12 potential singles.
The long story of this difficult album (false starts, illnesses, studio problems) is only overshadowed by its success. But it took a while to get there.
The first single “Women” did well enough, but failed to kickstart the mega album sales needed to recoup the losses. “Women” was an odd choice for a first single: a slow robotic rock track, with a killer comic book-based music video. It was incredible just to see how Rick Allen played drums with his new setup. Apparently, video directors asked how they should shoot Rick? The band answered “Just the same as you would any other drummer.” It was simple as that.
“Women” introduced the new Def Leppard groove. A simple one or two note bass line, layers upon layers of vocals and chiming guitars, but none of the full-speed-ahead New Wave of British Heavy Metal that Leppard were founded on. The year was 1987 and Def Leppard were on the cutting edge. To get those chiming bell-like chords, Mutt had them recorded one note at a time! This is very apparent on “Animal”, the second single. It too was mildly successful, but not enough to push the album into orbit. Listen to the guitar chords and you will hear something that sounds more like chimes than strings. This is down to the incredibly detailed and overdubbed recordings. “Animal” was a stellar pop rock track, and a fine example of what Hysteria sounds like.
Refusing to give up, a third single was dropped: the ballad title track “Hysteria” and possibly the finest song on the album. The fact that these singles were not the hits the band hoped for at the time has not diminished them. Today they are all concert classics, radio staples, and beloved fan favourites. Leppard even re-recorded the song in 2013 for release on iTunes. (While the re-recorded version is impressive, it is impossible to exactly recreate the magic on this album.)
Finally, the success that the band and record label were waiting for happened. The track was “Pour Some Sugar On Me” and the North American version of its music video showcased the band’s stunning live show. Def Leppard were playing “in the round” to rave reviews. “Pour Some Sugar”, a retro glam rock tune with a contemporary sound, was a summer smash hit. It was cool, it was catchy, and Joe’s verses almost sounded like rap, although really they had more in common with Marc Bolan of T-Rex.
On a roll, nothing would stop Def Leppard now. Though the goal was an album with 12 potential singles, Hysteria eventually yielded seven. Most rock bands were lucky to squeeze three out of a hit album. Though the album was now becoming a bonafide hit, some critics and fans lamented the death of the original Def Leppard. Others embraced their pop success. The raw edgy guitars were gone and replaced by bright, precise parts working as a whole, in a gigantic pop rock juggernaut. Joe wasn’t screaming out every line, but actually singing now. It hardly matters. With the success of Hysteria, Def Leppard had embarked on a whole new journey and have rarely looked back to their origins.
The singles carried on, through the rest of 1988 and into 1989. “Love Bites” was fifth up, which originated as a country ballad that Mutt wrote and the band Leppardized into something different. It was a hit for the autumn of ’88, a slightly dark ballad for the fall. The victorious glam rock of “Armageddon It” was next, simple and pleasant enough for radio and video, and another huge hit. These were songs that had pep, but wouldn’t frighten mom and dad.
The seventh and final single was a surprise choice: “Rocket”. On album, “Rocket” was 6:37 long, and featured a long experimental middle section. The ambitious mid-section featured loads of NASA samples and sound effects, all backed by the African inspired drum loops of Rick Allen. The song was based a drum beat by Burundi Black, brought in by Joe Elliott, played by Rick Allen and looped. Eventually lyrics were added, inspired by the glitter groups of the 70’s that Leppard grew up with. Lange also used backwards vocals for some of the hooks. The line that opens the track and repeats through the song is the chorus from “Gods of War”, backwards: “Raw fo sdog eht rof gnithgif er’ew.” It was a sharp track to be used as a single, but that unforgettable beat was beyond question. It was remixed and brought down to 4:25 for the single release.
It is unfortunate that Mercury stopped at seven singles, because they could have released at least nine. Many fans had counted on a “Gods of War” release, certainly before “Rocket”. “Gods of War” had become a fan favourite for those who bought the album, and it could have been used as a “serious” themed single towards the end of the album’s life. Dark in tone but more epic in quality, it really could have been a valiant single. It has since become heavily associated with late guitarist Steven Maynard Clark, who was responsible for much of its guitar thunder.
The final track that shoulda woulda coulda been released as a single was the album closer, “Love and Affection”. As good as any of the actual singles, “Love and Affection” had its own charm and hit potential. It’s long been one of my album favourites, just under “Hysteria” and “Gods of War”.
Rounding out the LP are “Run Riot” and “Don’t Shoot Shotgun”, two rock tracks that help keep the album afloat. Neither are clearly as brilliant as the hits, but both solidly get the job done with guitar thrills. Finally there is “Excitable”, the only song I’ve never particularly dug. It strikes me as gimmicky and very 80’s, much like “Social Disease” by Bon Jovi. Too reliant on sound effects and gimmicks. So out of 12 tracks, only one was really a dud. That’s not bad by any measure.
So Hysteria rode the charts, recouped its costs, and then some. The tour in the round was legendary and resulted in a live video In the Round: In Your Face. Def Leppard were, for a short while anyway, the biggest rock band in the world.
Obviously, Def Leppard have continued to suffer ups and downs since Hysteria. Steve Clark died. Rick Savage has Bell’s Palsy. Vivian Campbell fought cancer. Yet they have continued to soldier on, never topping Hysteria of course, leaving it as the magnum opus that it is.
The album inspired a book and a movie. An album of Hysteria’s stature deserves a killer deluxe edition too. This one is nearly perfect.
As discussed in greater detail in Record Store Tales Part 4: A Word About B-Sides, this album and its singles really clicked with the collector in me. Def Leppard prepared a number of B-sides for Hysteria, and perhaps because these were not produced with Mutt, they all have a harder edge. “Tear It Down” was a speedy but basic rock track considered good enough to include on the next album, and so it was. The B-side version remains its superior, because it is tougher than the one on Adrenalize. “Ring of Fire” was even heavier, clearly too heavy for what Hysteria became. Along the same lines is “Ride into the Sun”, an old track from Leppard’s first EP, re-recorded here and in fine form. “Ride into the Sun” is a stellar track and perhaps should have received some acclaim. Even though the song has been remixed and reissued on other things, it remains a rarely heard gem. Yet the most impressive B-side was probably “I Wanna Be Your Hero”. This B-side from the “Animal” EP has the Hysteria vibe and sound. It easily could have replaced “Excitable” as an LP track, but if it had perhaps Hysteria wouldn’t have sounded as diverse. Dig that false ending!
This deluxe edition includes all the live B-sides and almost all the bonus tracks associated with singles for the album, and then some. “Women” is a live classic from the home video. Anyone who has seen it will remember this version and Joe’s intro. “We got everything we need! We got the band, the crowd, the lights, the cameras, the action! There’s only one thing that we ain’t got…” Women! (I doubt that, Joe!) “Elected”, the live Alice Cooper cover, was recorded during this period but released in 1993 on the “Heaven Is” single.
From the same gig as “Elected” came a lively cut of “Love and Affection”, which was also utilised as the album’s Japanese bonus track. It’s very rare to hear this song done live, and definitely rare to hear a great vintage version done live. Then there’s a so-so “Billy’s Got a Gun” (same gig again), and a fascinating “Rock of Ages” medley. This medley seamlessly captures some bits of classic rock tunes within itself: “Not Fade Away” (Buddy Holly), “My Generation” (The Who), “Radar Love” (Golden Earring), “Come Together” (The Beatles) and “Whole Lotta Love” (Zeppelin). This is all done to the tempo and style of “Rock of Ages”, and quite well, too. When this was originally released on the “Rocket” single, there was no mention of the medley part. It was a total surprise when Leppard broke into these other songs, some of which I’d never heard before.
Leppard released a few remixes during this period too. Extended versions of “Animal”, “Pour Some Sugar”, “Armageddon It”, “Rocket” and even “Excitable” all come from 12” singles. What’s missing is the single edit of the “Rocket”, the short version of the “lunar mix” . The single mix of “Pour Some Sugar” is also missing, but that track is on so many albums including the five-million-selling Vault, so we’re not going to worry about it. These extended remixes are, not surprisingly, pretty much for the fans and collectors.
Finally, and most importantly, is the last B-side “Release Me”. This track was initially released on the “Armageddon It” picture disc single, but not credited to Def Leppard. Much like their later acoustic B-sides credited to the Acoustic Hippies from Hell, “Release Me” is credited to Stumpus Maximus and the Good Ol’ Boys. Engelbert Humperdinck is responsible for the most famous version of “Release Me”, but Stumpus Maximus is definitely responsible for the most twisted. Featuring Def Leppard’s roadie Malvin Mortimer on lead vocals and the rest of the band goofing around, “Release Me” is a hoot. Mortimer breaks all known sound barriers with his screaming (and burping) of the lyrics. I was absolutely confused beyond belief upon hearing this for the first time, since I didn’t catch on to this actually being Def Leppard in disguise. They absolutely fooled me; I thought whoever they were, Stumpus Maximus and the Good Ol’ Boys absolutely sucked! For the time it was a novelty release, but it’s now a wonderful tongue in cheek finale to this great deluxe edition.
Some, including renowned rock journalist Martin Popoff, have dismissed Hysteria as lifeless and dismally underwhelming sell-out pop. Keeping in mind where they came from (High ‘n’ Dry, Pyromania) there is no question that Hysteria was a clear and intentional turn towards the mainstream. Where Def Leppard rose above a simple pop foray is in the detail and care given to the recordings. With Mutt Lange keeping his eye on the goalposts, he drove Leppard not to make an album without a soul, but one that offered flawlessly assembled guitar based songs. The passion and heart can still be heard; they are not buried. It’s a unique combination of studio sterility with Leppard’s brand of glam rock, and nobody (not even Leppard) have been able to duplicate the magic of Hysteria.
You might not “need” the full-on deluxe edition, but considering the quality of the B-sides and live material, you’d be positively missing out.
We only get to do it once a year, so you gotta make it count!
Readers here have been treated to many tales from Sausagefest every year, the annual music countdown that occurs every July at a top secret outdoor location. The parties are epic and the music is never disappointing. You’ve read all about the countdown and activities many times here and even been treated to a few videos. Sausagefest is such a blast every year that even the trip up is worth hearing about.
My two passengers this year were Uncle Meat, and Chris the Lamb Lad. We had to pack a lot of stuff into my little Pontiac G5 including three coolers. The Lamb Lad had packed his cooler full of freshly made pulled pork for everyone. Perhaps even more important than the succulent and delicious pulled pork was the music selection. Uncle Meat commandeers the stereo, but I brought four flash drives loaded to the brim with tunes. I had spent several hours curating the music on these flash drives, much longer than we would actually spend listening to them.
Instead, we spent most of the time listening to the CDs that Uncle Meat brought. As many music fans in Ontario now know, recording artist Paul MacLeod passed away a couple months ago. Paul and Uncle Meat were very close friends, and Paul had set aside a couple CDs of his for me to review. Meat gave them to me, and we listened to Paul in the car, with Meat remembering the good times. I now own his albums Close and Play, and Tell the Band to Go Home. Both are incredible, but we’ll save that for the eventual reviews.
Also given to me were two studio CDs by recording artist and Sausagefester Max the Axe: self-titled, and Overload. There was some pretty heavy metal on those two CDs. Thanks to Uncle Meat, I now own three Max the Axe albums in total. Needless to say, there was plenty of rocking in the car.
“Livin’ the Country” from Overload (2008)
Meat was on his best behaviour. No backseat driving at all this year, which was an awesome change of pace. He also didn’t piss in the middle of the road this time. Up through Salem and into Arthur, we made our first stop at Tim Horton’s for some ice capps. Usually I was the most prepared of us, but this year I neglected to eat a good lunch before we departed. I was starving and ordered a steak wrap. Unfortunately the place was really busy, as it always is, and I should have known it was going to take 20 minutes. While I waited inside for my wrap, Meat and the Lamb Lad went outside for a smoke.
Moments later, Meat came back into the store.
“Kayys?” he said to me.
“Kiss?” I responded. I had a flash drive with every single Kiss album. Gotcha covered.
“Kayys?” he repeated, hand outstretched. People looking at him now. Lots of people waiting in line.
“I don’t know what you’re asking me,” I said uselessly.
“Kayss?” again.
I stood there like a doorknob; lots of people there looking at us trying to see what this weirdo was doing. “Kayss?” he kept repeating. It was clear I had no idea what he was asking, so he finally broke character.
“Keys? Can I get your car keys? I left my smokes in the car.”
“Why didn’t you just say that, you friggin’ goof?” I said as I dug for my keys.
“I did!” he retorted. “Kayss?”
OK, I heard it now. In the meantime, me and everybody else in Tim Horton’s in Arthur assumed he wanted a kiss.
We made our way up the windy country roads, listening to more Paul, more Max, but no Kiss. Next stop was Flesherton. There used to be a killer chip wagon there, but it has been gone for the last two years. Instead, Lamb Lad went into a sandwich place and ordered what looked to be some pretty amazing food. Outside, an elderly couple in the late 70’s or early 80’s seemed to be having an argument.
We waited for Lamb Lad to order, and then stepped outside again so the guys could smoke. As we walked out, a cop car pulled up and blocked in the elderly couple! It seems somebody had taken notice of their discussion and called the cops. The couple looked like they had figured out whatever it was just as the cops arrived. It was weird to see this happening in Flesherton Ontario with a couple who looked older than Moses. We shook our heads and marvelled at how weird the day was getting before we even arrived at Sausagefest.
But the farm wasn’t far, and before we knew it, our destination was at hand. Familiar faces were greeted, and help was offered in setting up tents. It’s a magical place. There are friends here that we only see once a year, but have bonded with like brothers. It’s a remarkable experience to have. And the music ain’t bad either.
Journaling is a gift that keeps on giving. I’m so glad that I decided to document my years at the Record Store. Even when I think the well is dry, I keep finding little tiny flakes of gold. I’ve collected four retail rants from back in the day for your edification.
Date: 2004/05/03
Manners? This guy was just standing in front of me, burped three times, and smelled of pepperoni when he did. It was so gross I felt like I had to puke.
Date: 2004/05/18
I have decided that I want to work at the Money Mart next door. All they ever seem to do is take breaks! The one girl, she’s on her second smoke break in one hour!**
Date: 2004/06/02
You know you’re stupid when…
You pay for a neon sign to be made that is grammatically incorrect!
I was just walking past Angel’s Diner, who advertize that they have “The best rib’s in town!” Yikes!
Date: 2004/06/21
The last thing I needed to see today was an older couple purchasing a CD about tantric sex.
* Title inspired by XM radio DJ Grant Random
** I noticed this because I had a bit of a crush on her, as noted inRecord Store Tales Part 170. Not a creepy crush though I swear.
GETTING MORE TALE #508: The Weirdest CD that I Own
The size of my personal CD collection now has exceeded my ability to store it properly. I count it not in the hundreds but the thousands, my best guess right now being about 3500 titles on CD. As one would expect, with that many titles here, you’re going to find some odd ones. In fact, for the second-last chapter of the original Record Store Tales, Mrs. LeBrain brought out 10 of her favourite weird finds in my collection. She missed the strangest one of all.
Promos Volume 6 – Don Buchwald & Associates Inc.
This CD was given to me by a short-lived employee named Damien. Damien will forever be scorned in the annals of Record Store History, for he quit (to become a roadie for the summer) with zero days notice, on the day before my vacation. And boy, did I get in shit for going on vacation anyway. This was one more incident that caused my direct supervisor, the one I call the “office bully”, to stop speaking to me for three weeks straight.* The punishment far outweighed (and outlasted) the crime. Cut that shit out, act like a damned professional.
So I will always have memories surrounding this strange 2 CD set, Promos Volume 6 put out by a New York talent agency in the late 1990’s. It’s a free promo that has 87 samples of various performers such as Joy Behar and Stockard Channing showing off their voice talents. “Chevy Chase stars in Modern Problems, tonight on HBO!” says Behar. “Jack Lemmon starring in five movies, all day on Cinemax.” She has a bit for Comedy Central, and so on. Each voice talent name on these discs (the majority of which you’ve never heard of) has roughly a minute of samples to show off their skills.
None, not even Joy Behar, have anything on Dee Snider of Twisted Sister.
“From a frenzy of emotion, to a frenzy of violence. What happens when fans become fanatics? It’s an athlete’s worst nightmare: Being stalked by a fan whose devotion becomes obsession. [gunshot sounds] CNN presents: Fans who turn the field of sports, into a field of screams.”
Wow. Who writes this stuff? I can all but guarantee that any one of my readers can come up with a better tagline than that paid CNN employee! Snider delivers his lines with the sobriety necessary. But that’s nothing. Nothing at all, compared to Sexy Snider.
The scene is set with sweltering sax, to go with the velvet voice of Snider’s sultry seduction.
“Lifetime has what you’ve been waiting for. Spend every night of the week with a different man. We’re not talking boys here. We’re talking men, who leave you breathless. Richard Gere. Tom Cruise. Kevin Costner. Sean Penn. All this week, only on Lifetime.”
It’s great stuff and I’ve used it for filler at the end of mix CDs before, when I needed something less than a minute long to max it out. What I really love is how Snider’s New York accent really comes out when he says “Sean Penn”. Damien may have been a dick, but this one track 51 second in length has given me…many minutes…of enjoyment over the years.
The 2 CD set comes in a “fat style” case, taking up far too much room for its 51 seconds of dubious value. I wouldn’t trade it away for all the specials on HBO and Lifetime combined…but I also don’t need Volumes 1-5!
What’s the weirdest CD that you own?
* Three weeks was the standard waiting period for her to get around to speaking to me again. Pretty awkward when you work together every almost single day. This happened on multiple occasions.
One of my (many, many) jobs at the Record Store was running our “buying classes”.
The problem was this: teaching new employees how to buy used CDs was a very intensive process. It made sense for us to train multiple people at once in one session. We wouldn’t even try to teach an employee how to buy until they’d been with us for two months. Once they had a little bit of experience under their belts, we’d start training them on being a buyer. One of the best features of the stores was that everybody was a buyer. You didn’t have to wait for a specific person. Anyone behind the counter could buy. We had to make sure that every single person was 1) fair, 2) competent, and 3) ready for the responsibility.
The first two buying classes were done with two instructors – myself and one of the bosses. (The first one was memorable — one guy came in with a cocaine hangover after spending the night partying too hard with the Dandy Warhols.) Subsequently, I handled the classes solo. We would generally have three to four new employees in each class, all from different stores.
We had a dedicated computer just for these classes, and of course it was an old outdated one. We couldn’t afford to buy a computer just for these training classes, obviously. Do you remember how huge an old computer was? I’d check in early and begin setting up the monstrous hardware which consisted of a PC, a titanic heavy monitor, keyboard, mouse and receipt printer. Or, if the class was being held in another city, I’d pick up the equipment at our home office and drive it (and sometimes employees too) to the class. If I was lucky, about two months later I’d see a mileage cheque.
We also had several large boxes of “training CDs” to help with learning scenarios.
For example:
CDs that were scratched, but repairable.
Discs that were top-scratched or pinholed, and not repairable.
CDs that were in mint condition.
CDs that were missing a component, such as a back cover, or one of multiple discs.
CDs that were so common that we always had them in stock.
Box sets.
Promo discs.
Classical music (we used a different buying structure for classical albums, based more on record label and series than artist and title).
Discs from every section of the store.
DVDs and video games too.
example of pinholes
There was a lot to teach, and I tried to make it fun, even though much of it was very tedious. A lot of repeat, a lot of doing the same thing over again, and a lot of waiting around as people took their turns going through buying scenarios. The classes were a chance for me to unbutton a bit and step out of the box. I had fun with the scenarios. I would play different characters. The white trash dude who watches everything you do and won’t shut up and let you think. The crackhead looking for a their next rock. The down-on-my-luck guy with a sob story that may or may not be true, who just needs enough money for the bus. And of course regular, every day, normal polite people. Because those are the exact situations they were going to experience in the front lines of the Record Store.
Not to mention (and we’ve been through this in more detail before, in Part 92: Staffing) there are many different versions of CDs. They can be similar, but have different tracks. It was crucially important to buy and enter these things accurately. If you didn’t, a customer would say, “I was looking on the internet and I saw you had the 1995 remastered version of Diary of a Madman,” and find that you just entered it wrong. It’s not the 1995; it’s the remixed 2002 one that nobody wants! Somebody made a trip in to get that CD, and you fucked it up. We tried to avoid that! But there’s only so much you can teach.
Then, to finish the buying procedures, I had to teach them about the bi-laws regarding buying used goods in the province, and how to take ID from customers. They had to know what ID’s were accepted, how to properly enter the info into the computer, and also how to deal with difficult customers who didn’t want to show their ID at all.
It was actually a pretty good system. Whoever came up with it (probably the same higher-up that sat in the first two classes) did a good job setting it up. Giving credit where credit is due, it worked. But also giving credit where credit is due, I worked my ass off in these classes, and made them my thing, while it lasted.
Training can be made fun. I think playing out scenarios is a great way to learn. Let’s face it, there is a lot of pressure on new employees during training. Doing my best to make it fresh and enjoyable was my strategy, and I think the results speak for themselves. A few people I trained ended up lasting over a decade, and that’s something to be proud of.
This summer is just burning by. This week, we’re burning through five more chapters of Record Store Tales MkII: Getting More Tale!
GETTING MORE TALE #506: I’m Eighteen
The old Record Store was 95% used CDs, bought from the general public. Like any store selling second hand goods bought pawn-style from walk-ins, we were regulated. As discussed in Record Store Tales Part 254: You Don’t Need to See My Identification, if you wanted to sell your shit to me, you had to present to me a government issued photo ID. That’s the law, and I was the sheriff, so show me your damned ID or you don’t get to sell your stolen CDs for weed money, got it!? It’s not like we were taking IDs just for fun. The cops really did go over our records (Record Store Tales Part 309: Penmanship), and every once in a while this would result in them catching a thief (Record Store Tales Part 307: Court). It was tedious but necessary work.
Part of the law regulating how we went about our business stated that you had to be 18 years or older in order to pawn stuff. People would complain. “But they’re just CDs, it’s not like I’m selling you a stolen television.” Yeah, but the laws don’t differentiate between you selling a TV, a Garth Brooks CD with a cracked case, or an X-Box. Some customers had a hard time grasping this concept.
To save yourself work, it was always advisable to ask a young-looking customer if they were 18 or older before you started going over their CDs. If they weren’t 18, you’d ask them to come back with a parent.
Here are some responses from customers who were asked if they were 18:
1. “But I’ll be 18 next week!” OK, then come back next week. You can’t vote if you turn 18 “next week”.
2. “Can you call my mom? She’ll tell you I can sell these.” No, you call your mom, and get her in here with her ID.
3. “Did you know it’s illegal to ask someone their age?” Uhh.
4. Several kids just went outside and asked strangers to sell their stuff for them, just like kids trying to get an adult to buy them liquor. Sometimes people would do it. Not exactly the wisest choice. If those CDs were stolen, guess who’s name is attached to them now?
5. You’d get the inevitable people who are flattered that you thought they were that young. “Thanks for the compliment!” Well, you’re very welcome!
The kid that really pissed me off (and this only happened once) was the kid who lied to me about his age before I went ahead and priced all his CDs. He had a lot of stuff, DVDs too, and it took a lot of time and work to go through and price them all. I checked each and every one for quality, I looked them all up in inventory, and I organised them according to value. I made the offer, the kid accepted it, and then I asked him for a piece of his ID.
And then I saw he was only 17.
I was pissed and I didn’t try to hide that. I had wasted all that time going through his shit that he couldn’t even sell, because he lied about his age.
That kid would be in his early 30’s today. I hope he learned to stop being a lying ass!
BONHAM – The Disregard of Timekeeping (1989 CBS)
mikeladano.com 