Sunday Chuckle: Elephant Farts

My dad has a few favourite jokes.  Here’s an old one he told me when I was a kid.

“What’s the difference between a place you go to drink, and an elephant’s fart?”

“One’s called a bar room, and the other goes BAR-ROOOOOM!”


Sunday Chuckle: The Farts

My journal is loaded with stuff that didn’t make it into the original Record Store Tales.  Sometimes I’ll let some of this material “squeak” out.  Here’s one!

Date: 2007/08/23 20:51
Title: Farts

I’ve been having the farts something fierce today. But not those juicy, squishy farts. These are the ones that are more whistle-y, flute-like. Which of course are some of the smelliest.

Yes, I journaled that.  Enjoy your Sunday.

Sunday Chuckle: Fart Zone

My wife bought me this sign.  It hangs in my work area at home.

It is not wrong.

Sunday Chuckle: Fartwaft

Readers here might recall the story of “Herbert” in Getting More Tale #544:  Canned Corn.  I was in his office the other day, and I have to admit, he got me.

We were having a discussion about a customer pickup, when he pointed to the bottom left corner of his computer screen.

“What’s that say?” he asked.

I leaned in to look at the clock in the corner.  “11:30 am” I responded.  And that’s when I noticed he was “wafting” a fart into my face with his hands.  11:30 am is the time I got wafted.

Sunday Chuckle: Fart Demons

Once again, thanks to Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for the inexplicable entertainment.

#490: Sh*t LeBrain’s Mom Says

Thanks for joining me this week, for the week of Getting MORE Getting More Tale. I hope you enjoyed all five musical stories!

Monday – #486:  Dream Music
Tuesday – #487: All Apolologies
Wednesday – #488: Almost Cut My Hair
Thursday – #489: I Forgot To Remember To Forget
Friday – #490: Shit LeBrain’s Mom Says


I love my mom.  I have the best mom in the world!  That’s why I want to share these memorable mom quotes.  Let’s hear it for my mom!

1. One day we were at the cottage playing cards.  Someone cut a stinky fart.  My sister demanded to know who the cuplrit was.  “Who cut the cheese??” she asked.

“What cheese?” answered my mom.


2. Remember “More Than Words”? Extreme really broke into the mainstream with the standard-setting acoustic ballad. This is the one, more than any other acoustic ballad, that conjures the most images. My mom liked the song. She asked my sister and I who sang it.

“Extreme!” we answered simultaneously.

“Who’s Nick Streen?” she asked back.

3. My mom and dad just got back from a cruise. They excitedly told me about the different activities I would enjoy. Rock climbing, bumper cars, and lobster every night if I wanted it. “And they have special shows,” added my mom. “Like Rock of Ages.”

Doing my best to exaggerate the degree to which I was offended by this suggestion, I slowly turned my head to stare, and removed my glasses raising the eyebrows just so.

My mom caught my drift, but not why.

“Do you not know what Rock of Ages is?”

I answered matter-of-factly, “Yes I do, that’s not my point!”

“But it’s about rock!” clarified my mom.

My mother-in-law, who was also visiting at the time, knew what I was getting at.

“Your son is a music snob,” she said.  She turned towards me and quickly amended, “Or a music aficionado if you prefer.”  I smiled at her and laughed.   That was it exactly.


Thanks for being such a good sport mom!  Glad you enjoyed the trip.

WTF Search Terms: Joey Tempest Strikes Back edition


WTF Search Terms XXVII:  Joey Tempest Strikes Back edition

Been a long time since I rock and rolled?  Hardly!  I just rock and rolled last night actually.  But it has been a long time since we’ve seen some WTF Search Terms!  (The last was in March.)  These are the most bizarre of the bizarre search terms that somehow led people to mikeladano.com.  Today’s instalment includes a couple for the Dark Lord of the Sith himself: Joey Tempest (you devil, you!) and a fair share of farts.

First up, a follow-up to the bizarre Joey Tempest Conspiracy Theory (TM):

  • satanic signs of joey tempest

I think the next person was looking for Joey aka Joakim Larsson as well!

  • presinor in paradies song

Here ya go, fella!  This would actually be the first album with Fake Joey.

Here are some fart and bowel related search terms:

  • thunder fart piss
  • how to rip on coworker who is constipated
  • white lion till death do us fart
  • faith no more farts

The video where Mike Patton farts into his microphone is called You Fat Bastards: Live at the Brixton Academy.  Here ya go, fella!* 20 seconds in. You’re welcome. You’re all welcome!

Here’s an old classic for you.  Were you aware that the Boobsy Animation Whore Wearing Glasses Acquired Screwed series was up to Part 7 already?

  • boobsy animation whores wearing glasses acquire screwed hardcore part 7

The question below is one I have often wondered.  Not really a WTF, but a good question.  Should they have called the album something else?

  • why did cinderella release “long cold winter” album in may

In England, it was released in July.  Imagine that!

Then, the below search term is a belief I do hold.  It’s OK if you don’t but why are you searching for this?  Is there one definitive authority who “knows” this?  (If so, let it be me?)

Finally, I’d like to close this batch of search terms with a guy who, well, he hasn’t been featured in WTF search terms for a long time.  His last appearance was WTF Search Terms XVI, back in February 2014.   Please welcome back the founder and bare buttocks of W.A.S.P., Mr. Steven Edward Duren aka Blackie Lawless!

  • biggest ass in leather
  • black lawless is an arse hole

Thank you, goodnight!

* Yes I made the assumption that the searcher was male.  Because farts.

#385: The Epic of the Garlic Sausage Apocalypse



#385: The Epic of the Garlic Sausage Apocalypse

I have been sitting on this story for five years. Now, the true tale can finally be told.

Some folks don’t like their mother-in-law. I do! I am very lucky to have a great, generous and fun mother-in-law. She’s also very proper and old fashioned, Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom, so sometimes she will be easily shocked. For example, she refuses to say the word “fart”, considering is as vulgar as another f-word. Instead she prefers the word “puup”. A word she used frequently during the night of the Garlic Sausage Apocalypse.

She had come to spend the weekend, visiting us in our little apartment. It might be small but it’s usually big enough for the three of us. Not on the weekend of the Garlic Sausage Apocalypse.

Jen and her mom went to the Kitchener farmer’s market that morning and picked up some goodies. The apple fritters there are excellent, especially when still warm, so they picked up two boxes of those. Fresh veggies, fresh meat, all natural unpasteurized local apple cider, and four huge links of smoked garlic sausage (about two pounds of meat, garlic and spices). It was, as they say, the proverbial successful trip. Much of the time they are sold out of that garlic sausage. I immediately tucked into a full link and called it lunch. I ate close to half a box of apple fritters and called that dessert.

By the end of the day, I had almost finished two links of delicious smoked kilbassa by myself. Jen and her mom were watching something on TV, but I was feeling a bit gassy to say the least. Given the contents of my stomach, fermenting and being transformed by bacteria into a lovely melange of methane, you could smell me every time I had to let one go. The farts were frequent and supercharged. Whatever pills we had in the house were not helping. And like I said earlier, it’s a small apartment.

The explosions were occurring approximately every five minutes. To me, all I could smell was the fondly remembered scent of garlic, pork and methane. All Jen and her mom could smell was rotting death-like fumes of evil. And they were all coming from my ass! Jen threatened to get on a bus and “buy a cork”. Of the two of them, Jen was definitely the most offended. “This is the last time we are bringing you garlic sausage I swear to God!” There was nothing I could do to stop it. Leaving the room to evacuate my colon of gas didn’t help; the mere act of getting up and moving was enough to squeeze one out. Faced with a lack of options (and starting to feel a little queezy myself) I called it an early night and went to bed.


The next part of this story has been assembled from testimony by Jen and her mother.

Mrs. LeBrain and her mom watched television peacefully after I retired for the evening. I was asleep quickly, but the body continues to digest your food and expel gas even after you fall asleep. Whether your spouses believe you or not, people do fart in their sleep, and my ass quickly turned the bedroom into a chemistry lab gone awry.

A short while later, in the living room, Mrs. LeBrain’s Mom smelled something. Sniffing the air for a clue, she was repelled by the odour.

“Jennifer! Did you just puup?”

“No mom,” replied Jen, but picking up the scent as well. “I thought it was you but I didn’t want to say anything!”

“Then what is that gawd-forsaken smell??” queried her mom.

Jen knew but did not want to face the truth. “Oh God! It’s Mike!”

“Isn’t the bedroom door closed?” asked her mom.

“YES! Oh God. I have to sleep in there!”

Jen and her mom discussed the situation but agreed that there was only one couch large enough to comfortably sleep on. Her mom is very wise, and knew how to deal with the situation. “Just put some perfume on your arm,” she advised. “When you go to bed, just sleep with your arm near your nose, and that will help.” Good advice, but it was not enough to protect her from the stench.

When it was bed time for Jen, she took a deep breath, held it and entered the Den of Death.


I guess the old perfume on the arm trick worked in the long run, because she did fall asleep. Meanwhile, I was oblivious to all of this, happily dreaming of guitars and lightsabers.  When I woke up on Sunday morning, I had no idea that anything was amiss.

It only took me one second to realize something was very wrong.  The bedroom was filled with a heavy, pungent cloud.  It had penetrated every cubic inch of the room; it was inescapable.  It was also immediately identifiable as the scent of garlic, sausage, and my intestines.  And it was still being produced, I discovered, as I tooted once more upon leaving the bed.

I went about my morning business and settled into the computer room to check my email.  I was only appalled further when I ascertained that the entire house smelled of garlic sausage sphincters. It wasn’t as intense as the bedroom, but it was detectable in the air.

It may have been winter, but I cracked the window in the computer room and began the fumigation process.

What of Jen and her mom? They did survive, although neither of them really know how they did it. The inner strength of those two women must have carried them through the night. In the morning, they implemented a two-year ban on buying garlic sausage. I can’t say that I disagreed with their ruling, in light of all the horrible evidence surrounding us!

Kenny Vs. Spenny episode season 4 ep. 2 – “Who Can Blow the Biggest Fart?” – a must see companion piece to my true and horrifying story.


WE’RE BACK: Toronto Record Store Excursion 2014 success!


Aaron and I have returned safely from Toronto, with treasures in hand! He has posted to the KMA a non-spoiler update regarding the trip. We both did very well. As a “Taranna First” I was providing live photographic updates of the trip via social media.

As I did on the previous two trips, I took plenty of photos and video with the intent of creating another great trip video! With that in mind, we don’t want to spoil too much about our adventure, so this is just a brief preview. Of note, Aaron bore gifts, and one of them is a book that I am just as happy to get as I am some of my musical finds. Aaron also helped add to my 6″ Stormtrooper army!

The sad news: Even though I was quite confident that we would find at least one item from somebody’s KMA Holy Grail list, we did not. I was sure that we would at least be able to find one of Sarca’s, such as the Ray Lyell CD. I was surprised that we didn’t. I might have an easier time finding it locally.

Having said that: I encourage you to check out the KMA Grail list and add your own long-sought albums to it.  Though we did not have luck with it this time, we did look hard.  The more people who participate in the Holy Grail list, the better, so as my buddy Aaron would say GIVE’R!

Enjoy the photo gallery, and if you missed the videos from the 2012 and 2013 trips, you can check those out below.

LeBrain (who, I am glad to say, did not fart once in Aaron’s car this time.)

2013: PART 1

2013: PART 2


VIDEO TOY REVIEW: Despicable Me Fart Blaster

DESPICABLE ME Fart Blaster (Illumination Entertainment)

5/5 stars from LeBrain
7/5 stars from Martin LePage