I saw Eliminator was now a one-eyed cyclops car. A headlight came off and was nowhere in sight. It’s gone. If it had simply fallen off, it would be on the shelf, next to the car. I only had two suspects. One of the two was more credible, while the other claims to know nothing. I know it was my dad!
GETTING MORE TALE #782: Eliminated Headlight Restored
The old cottage bedroom isn’t the safe storage space it used to be!
For over 30 years, my old Monogram model kit of ZZ Top’s “Eliminator” car sat undisturbed. The shelf it occupied was shared by a stunningly beautiful red Ferrari Testarossa, some old books, and several Lego battle droids. Eliminator’s structure held sound, with only minor repairs needed over the years to keep it intact.
Then one day in 2019 a headlight went missing. We didn’t need a confession to know that my dad did it while puttering around!
I thought the story was over, but a few weeks ago my dad said to me “I found your headlight”.
What? Did it just fall behind the bed?
“No, I got you a new one!”
Right on, thanks dad! Did you find an old model kit on Ebay?
“No, I saw a brand new one at the hobby store and picked it up for you!”
I couldn’t believe my luck! But what are the chances the kits are the exact same? Could I simply swap out an old headlight for a brand new one?
Turns out, I can. Both kits are 1/72 scale, and though the new one is made by Revell instead of Monogram, they are identical. Revell actually bought out Monogram in 2007, so they must have acquired these old molds and reissued the exact same kit.
Opening the kit and seeing the exact parts, I found myself at a crossroads. I did a good job back in 1987-88 when I built my original Eliminator. There are some things I would change; I would have painted the red engine block to be more accurate if I had another crack at it. And now I do. Or, I could just glue the new headlight onto the old car and leave it be.
Pros to building a new car:
Fixing mistakes I made as a kid, like the engine colour.
A higher budget, better tools, access to more paints.
Cons:
Possibly screwing up and wrecking a new model kit.
I hate, hate, hate water decals.
Realising I’m not as good at this as I used to be.
“You know my hands aren’t as steady as they used to be,” I told my dad.
“Fuck your hands!” he responded.
I turned to my mom and asked if she just heard what he told me to do. She did and said I should write about it.
Betcha didn’t expect that’s where this story would go at the start! I neglected to take my father’s advice, but vowed to tell the tale in my own way.
The end.
The ZZ Top Eliminator Project will continue in Summer 2020. What would you do with the model kit? Let us know in the comments below.
Maybe some things are only funny to me. My buddy Chris likes to tease me. He calls my treasured action figure collection my “dolls”.
He went to Disney a little while ago, so I asked if he could pick me up an exclusive Star Wars set while he was there. “Sure, I’ll look for your dolls” he said. A few days later, I had an email from him titled “Nerd Toy”. “I dropped your dolls off at work,” it read. My dolls, my nerd toys! And I love them. He even put them in his carry-on bag so they wouldn’t get damaged.
Thanks buddy, it’s worth the teasing that I take!
This is one of three Disney Park exclusive sets, and it’s awesome! Thank you Chris and Laurie for picking them up for your nerd friend.
AMERICAN DAD – “The Hand that Rocks the Rogu” (Episode 20, season 14)
Ever since the debut of Rogu earlier this season, American Dad fans have eagerly anticipated his next starring appearance. This was saved for the season finale, “The Hand that Rocks the Rogu”. Rogu, if you recall, is Roger’s homunculus, birthed from a tumor. He has Roger’s ability to disguise himself as anyone he desires, but also has the temperament of a small child. He needs to be watched and cared for like a child, despite his alien nature.
It’s Rogu’s childlike nature that makes him a perfect candidate for the schemes of Steve Smith. Steve needs money, so he can afford the curly fries in the school cafeteria instead of the boring old straight kind. The solution: babysitting. Mom doesn’t think he’s ready. Roger, however, thinks he’s up to the task. Roger leaves Steve to take care of Rogu, while he does one of his many jobs (a female prostitute). If Steve does well, his mom will have to admit he’s ready to babysit.
Ominously, taking care of Rogu has three rules (shades of Gremlins):
No candy.
No screen time.
Don’t let Rogu look at the ant farm. (He won’t chip in for it, so he shouldn’t enjoy it.)
Predictably, within minutes, Rogu’s eaten some licorice. When he starts barfing up little balls of Rogu that turn into fully-grown Rogus, Steve knows he’s in way over his head. One turns into three, and three turns into dozens. It only gets worse when Klaus the goldfish tries to contain the situation by giving the Rogus a little screen time….
Season 14 produced at least three exceptionally good American Dad episodes, and two of them centered around Rogu. The bizarre alien offspring has quirks (a love of innocent jokes for example) and abilities far different from his father Roger. American Dad felt rejuvenated this season and Rogu was a key part of that.
If you only watch two episodes this season, make ’em Rogus.
There was a time when I’d buy any “supergroup” with members that I knew. Impellitteri had three: Graham Bonnet (Rainbow – vocals), Chuck Wright (Quiet Riot – bass) and Pat Torpey (Mr. Big – drums). This release on Relativity records is basically a showcase for guitarist Chris Impellitteri, and unfortunately that’s exactly what it sounds like. In the credits, Chris states “I promise that my guitar solos will only get faster”. That should tell you everything you need to know about Stand in Line.
Sounding indistinguishable from an Yngwie album, the title track goes first. It boasts some pretty mean Graham Bonnet vocals, but the song sounds exactly like Malmsteen to a “tee”. And it’s one of the best songs. The star is actually Pat Torpey (rest in peace, rock soldier) who rarely got to drum so heavy.
A couple misguided covers don’t do this album any favours. The new version of “Since You Been Gone” metalizes the Rainbow original, and it can’t stand up under the weight. (Interesting note: this track features Randy Rand from Autograph on bass.) It’s too stiff, too schooled, too…supergroup-y. Same with “Over the Rainbow”, which has some beautiful runs, but is otherwise overplayed. Squealing solos don’t compensate for Ritchie Blackmore, or a tight band.
Highlights: “Stand In Line”, “Tonight I Fly”. Turds: “White and Perfect”, a song about colonialism!
Credit where it’s due: Chuck Wright plays some unison lines in sync with Chris Impellitteri, showing off abilities that he doesn’t often exploit. Likewise with Pat Torpey. Unfortunately Stand in Line is too generic (if you can call “Yngwie” an actual genre), and there’s already one neo-classical shredder on the top of the pile. Impellitteri spices his playing up with some Van Halen-esque tricks, but all I can hear is Yngwie, and you will too, right down to the production. Most of the pleasure derived from this album is courtesy of Graham Bonnet, but chances are you already own this if you’re a Bonnet obsessive-compulsive!
2/5 stars
Side note: This CD was salvaged by me, as it had been close to ruined by a house fire! Somebody sold me his stinky CD collection, many of which were scorched. The smell (burned paper and plastic) was unholy. This was one of the lesser-destroyed albums, but you can still see some browning on the top edge of the inside cover, where the smoke and heat got to it. With a lot of effort and gentle cleaning products, I eliminated of the smell and most of the stains.
I’ll always be grateful to radio for giving me a start. I won’t rehash the whole story but I used to be a call-in contest winner and then became a semi-regular guest. Radio is a lot of fun, though I don’t really listen to commercial stations anymore like the one that got my name out there originally. (I still appear on Rob Daniels’ Visions in Sound, and I’ll be back there in December at the latest to talk about new Star Wars music.) One thing that hasn’t changed is that I have met so many solid people through radio.
There’s Jolene the Jays fan, always raising money for good causes. Or Greg, the contest winner who seems to have free tickets to offer to me all the time. I met one of my best friends, Jay, through the radio. He noticed I was talking about Transformers one day and next thing you knew, we were buddies. And let’s not forget about Jamie, an old-school rocker who was writing articles for Access magazine under the tutelage of Keith Sharp back when I used to read it! It used to be that we listened to the same radio station, but in 2019 I was honoured to be a guest at Jamie’s wedding.
I’m very happy and proud to have met such good people thanks to radio. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that radio stations and their personalities are often very active in the community. They bring people with similar interests together, while making the city a better place.
Of course, like any platform, it’s not exclusively good people. There have been some seriously weird fucks that I’ve come into contact with thanks to the airwaves. Like Dean, the conspiracy theorizing anti-vax, bike-riding vegan. Or amateur wrestler turned far-right radio mogul Raymond. A few Proud Boys. The usual assholes.
I have fresh wounds from another radio listener. I never met him. Mike Lorbetski. He moved out to Alberta for work. He was one of those guys who would periodically have serious life problems and post them all over social media. Then he’d disappear a while and come back a few months later. His latest problems involved a workplace injury. He needed antibiotics and was short $28. He sent me a private message.
I thought about what my old man has said in the past. “If you loan somebody money, consider it a gift because you’ll never get it back.” And my dad is right; I’ve helped people out in the past and don’t usually get repaid. Sometimes it’s because I said “Don’t worry about it, you need this more than I do.” But usually it was just people stiffing me.
For whatever sympathetic reason, I sent the guy $30. He even sent me a picture back of the medication to prove that’s what he spent it on. I have no reason to disbelieve any of his story. He asked me for money again a few weeks later, promising to pay back the original $30. I said no that time. Then he asked for $20 for bus tickets. He caught me on a good day that time. A few days later he needed $25; I sent him a final $30 and said this would be the last time I could help him out. I left it unambiguous: this is the last time I can help you out. “Man I love you!” he responded.
One weekend in late September I heard frantic messages on my phone. I checked and it was him, needing $44 urgently. He was being evicted and was short $44 to rent a U-Haul van to move his stuff. He sent screenshots of landlords that owed him money. He sent screenshots of his bank balance in single digits. He showed an angry message from a landlord explaining that he already had three days’ court-ordered notice to pick up his stuff, and it would all be taken to the dump on the weekend. I was getting all these messages while my wife was recovering from a humiliating public epileptic seizure. I told him that I was very sorry, but I could not help him. The messages continued through the night as I was dealing with my own shit. He was promising me $88 in return for $44, within 24 hours.
I sat there, thinking to myself. On one side, I felt for the guy. Assuming he was being honest with me, he had only a few hours to raise $44 and move his stuff in a U-Haul. He was going to lose all his possessions that day. I felt terrible for him. I was already down $80 so what’s another $44? On the other hand…is there nobody else he can ask for help? Somebody who lives in the same province as him? Somebody who’s actually met him in person? Friends? Family? Not a stranger that he used to listen to on the radio?
Sunday afternoon my wife had another seizure. I heard my phone dinging but I didn’t answer it. I had bigger things on my mind. Later that evening, I checked my messages. His belongings had been taken to the dump.
“This is the point I’m done with social media,” the message began. From that I gather he’d been asking other Facebook “friends” for money. “Needed $44 to save thousands, got zero. Will be lucky to maintain an empty apartment on my wife’s money, my tools are gone so I can’t contribute.” Guilt trip time? I couldn’t believe this guy. Why should Facebook, or me for that matter, be responsible for you?
“Likely never hear from me again. I’m out.”
This one I responded to.
“Likely never hear from you again…even though you owe me money?”
I felt terrible the whole time I wrote this, but it had to be said.
“I told you last time, I would not be able to help you again. I don’t even know you. We have never met face to face. And now you are guilting me and threatening to rip me off?
“I am sorry but at this point I have no choice but to block you. I will never see my money again, I know that, but I refuse to be guilted when I have already been so generous.
“I hope whatever your problems are, you sort them out, but I cannot have this in my life.”
Alternating between feeling the guilt that I said I wasn’t going to let myself feel, and wondering what the fuck this guy expected of a total stranger, I went on with my night and worrying about my own wife. But what did he expect? I gave him money three times before. Small amounts, but I knew I wasn’t going to be paid back, and I told him on the third time that was it. Did he think we were…actual friends? Because he knew my voice on the radio, and because I write about my life in public, did he think we were…friends? He also wrote things about his life, but I tried to stay out of that. He seemed to be having problems with his job, his wife, and his sexual identity and I wanted nothing to do with a stranger’s problems. I have plenty of my own, believe me.
I tried to be a good person. I feel like I was a good person three times, but had to draw a line somewhere. The day that my wife was in the hospital having a seizure seemed like the right time to draw that line.
As for lines? The bottom line is that I have made some amazing friends through the radio, and I wouldn’t change that, ever. But you always have to have your guard up for the problems that come with it.
– “Venus and Mars / Rock Show” (2014 Sony, from The Art of McCartney)
Kiss rarities can be so crushingly disappointing. Some, like the Ramones cover “Rock and Roll Radio” are catalogue highlights. Others, like “Don’t Touch My Ascot” are just curiosities. Unfortunately the Paul McCartney medley of “Rock Show” and “Venus and Mars” fall into the latter category. But why?
These tracks come from a Paul McCartney tribute album called The Art of McCartney. On the back cover, the track is clearly listed as Kiss. But Kiss must have had some lineup changes if that’s the case. Doug Petty on bass! Dan Petty on guitar! Jason Paige on drums! You’ll be forgiven if you don’t recognize those names as Kiss members last time you checked. Only Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons from the real Kiss appear, and only in a vocal capacity. Why the false advertising? On the same album, Robin Zander and Rick Nielson “of Cheap Trick” are listed, but not Cheap Trick themselves. Yet Paul and Gene are credited as Kiss, tricking the fans into thinking they were hearing the band, not just two of the singers.
How is it?
Well, it doesn’t sound like Kiss, that’s for sure! Gene sings the “Venus and Mars” section, in his natural voice. Then a raspy Paul comes in, bringing a Kiss-like vibe with him. He gets to sing one of Paul McCartney’s coolest lyrics of all time:
What’s that man movin’ ‘cross the stage? It looks a lot like the one used by Jimmy Page.
Or Ace Frehley!
At no point do Paul and Gene sing together or harmonize like they used to when covering the Beatles on the streets of New York City. Doesn’t it seem like a colossal waste, having the two Kiss founding members appearing essentially separately? Would have been even better with Tommy Thayer and Eric Singer playing, but…hey, nobody asks me ahead of time!
And here is another reason why physical media is important. If you had just downloaded this from iTunes, you might never know that what you bought wasn’t really Kiss. Then again, the front cover does say “The songs of Paul McCartney sung by the world’s greatest artists.” Nothing in there about the playing part.
Buying this CD (to be reviewed separately at a later time) would still not be a bad idea. You’ll get exclusives by Alice Cooper (double shot), Sammy Hagar, Joe Elliott of Def Leppard, actual Def Leppard, Jeff Lynne, Billy Joel, Willie Nelson, The Cure, B.B. King, Dylan, Heart, Dion and tons more. Cooper’s “Eleanor Rigby” is worth the purchase alone. This helps negate the soul-squashing disappointing of buying a “Kiss” song that isn’t.
One of the best early Power Hour co-hosts. Helix mainman Brian Vollmer stopped by the Pepsi Power Hour with Laurie Brown to discuss their new album Wild in the Streets. He also brought with him a Helix “Rockumentary” filmed at the Capitol Records building.
Topics covered:
The album cover
Jagger
AC/DC
Touring
A mythical future Helix album called Blood, Guts & Beer
The next video
Added bonus: stay tuned to the end for a Music World TV ad for Wild in the Streets!
Remember when Twitter suggested that I follow Kevin Spacey and Taylor Swift? Apparently, Twitter is still on crack. Check out who they suggest I follow now. This is what I get for keeping up with John “J.D.” Roberts of Pepsi Power Hour fame?!
– “Venus and Mars / Rock Show” (2014 Sony, from The Art of McCartney)
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