bruce dickinson

Part 89: Pranks 3.0 – The Case of the Disappearing Mars Bar

MARS

RECORD STORE TALES PART 89:  Prank 3.0 – The Case of the Disappearing Mars Bar

 

Rewind to 1994.

It was just one store, and just the three of us:  Trevor, myself, and the owner.  We had an awesome comraderie back then, and it was based both on mutual respect and humour.  At the time I doubt there would have been a better more knowledgeable staff at any store in town than us three.

But we joked around a lot.  It wasn’t beyond us to “tag” another one with a magnetic security tag somewhere on their clothing, setting off alarms everywhere.  It was all in good fun.

I showed up for work one night with a small bag, just a soda and a Mars bar inside.  I always came in early to check out what was newly arrived.  As I unpacked, my boss looked at my sorry excuse for a dinner and admonished me.  Always health conscious, he asked me about the Mars bar and if I knew how much sugar that was and so on.  “How can you eat this crap?” he finished.  I chuckled; I was 22  and hadn’t given it any thought.  He was mostly just ribbing me anyway.

Meanwhile, the boss was going through the cash register to decide what we needed in terms of small change.   Then, he sent me to the bank to do the change run, before he packed it in for the day.  When I returned with the change, he left me with instructions for the evening and departed.  I went about my business picking out discs to listen to that night.  (Based on the period I calculate with 97.8% certainty that one of those titles would have been Superunknown by Soundgarden, Balls to Picasso by Bruce Dickinson, or Jar of Flies by Alice in Chains.)

It was a slow night, and a couple hours later I had the munchies.  My Mars bar…it was gone!

I looked everywhere for it.  It could have fallen behind the counter.  Or maye I left it on top of a pile of discs?  No luck.  It didn’t turn up.  I know I brought it because I talked about it with…with my boss!

I had fallen victim to the classic “Steal the Snacks” game.  It wouldn’t be the last, and it’s a game I took to playing myself.  I love the way he blindsided me with the health talk on the Mars bar.  I didn’t even see it coming!

Part 64: Niagara Falls

RECORD STORE TALES Part 64:  Niagara Falls

I never was the traveling kind, so when I had to spend a weekend working Niagara Falls, I wasn’t too thrilled at the prospect.  I warmed up to the idea after I met Mike and Greg, the new owners of our latest franchise.

I packed the Deep Purple box set in the car, a box of pepperettes, and hit the highway.  I arrived at the store on a bitter cold Saturday morning, and we worked the day away.  It was a tiring day, as we bought and shelved a lot of merchandise that day.  We were constantly pricing discs.

The best thing about Niagara was the co-owner Mike.  He was a funny guy.  Great stories.  Massive Kiss fan.  Great stories about meeting Gene and being promised all sorts of things on the forthcoming Kiss box set.  Mike also played bass.  He was a long, long time Record Store Guy.

Mike was in this insane punk band called The Legendary Klopeks.  He wore a blonde pigtail wig and went by the name of Lemon Kurri Klopek.  The lead singer, Josh, was Sweet Pepper Klopek.  He is quite legendary today as an extreme…well I dunno what you call it but he bleeds a lot and he wrestles and he is a Guiness’ Book record holder for something that nobody should really do.

Their lyrics were hilarious.  Take, for example, “Ric Flair”:

I wanna (something something?)

I wanna do a “woo” (“WOOO!”)

I wanna be like Ric

’cause he’s so fucking cool

I want a son

who doesn’t suck

That’s the only thing that’s wrong with Ric

So who gives a fuck?

He’s the king, the king of the ring,

He’ll fuck you up just like it ain’t no thing.

Every song on the sophomore album Straight To Hell ends with the words, “Fuck you!”  Even the short ones, like “Where’s My Soup?”  The lyrics to “Where’s My Soup?” are as follows:

Where’s my soup?

Fuck you!

The other owner, Greg, did merch for Blue Rodeo and in fact when he said this, I realized I’d seen him at the last Blue Rodeo gig that I attended.  I bought a shirt from him!

Because of the Legendary Klopeks, Niagara had a bit of, I don’t know how to put this…an entourage, maybe?  All interesting characters.  The most interesting was Gary James Dean. Otherwise known as The Deaner.

The less said about the Deaner, the better.  But I will say this.   He liked to tell people that he masturbated with his Justin Timberlake doll.  And he phoned about 25 times a day.  Not even exaggerating about that.

Anyway, Niagara was a fun store to work in.  They always played good music, and they had great stories.  Today Mike tours with Steve Earle, doing his merch, and I am insanely happy for him and jealous at the same time.  He’ll post a picture on Facebook like, “Me and Steve eating sushi.”  Stuff like that.

The best score that I got from that store was actually a gift from Mike.  It was the Bruce Dickinson CD single for “All The Young Dudes”, the Mott the Hoople cover.  (B-sides:  the acoustic “Darkness Be My Friend”, and the AC/DC cover “Sin City”.)

I’ll always remember good times in the Falls:  Rock n’ Roll, the Klopeks, sushi, and the Deaner!

Part 27: Store Play

Another suggestion from Tommy Morais, my Amazon rock buddy from the east!  He wants to read about glam rock bands, and Canadian bands!  I played a lot of each at the store, especially in the earliest days.  I’m gonna throw some prog and metal in here too.  Here’s some of my fondest memories.

LeBRAIN’S STORE-PLAY CLASSICS!

1996.  We had just opened our flagship store, and I was selected as manager.  This meant I’d be working alone for most of the day, and I could play what I wanted.  In the earliest days there were fewer rules.  The boss might make fun of me for playing Poison, but in the old days, he never told me to take it off as long as it was only once in a while.

I remember playing glam metal stuff like:

Poison – Native Tongue.  I enjoyed trying to turn kids onto music they’d like, but would never touch if they knew who it was.  It sometimes worked!  I think I sold one copy of Native Tongue that way, anyway.

Motley Crue – self titled.  This is in my top three Motley records of all time.  The one without Vince Neil.  A guy from the HMV store in Waterloo gave me props for playing it.  I once sold it to a guy who hated the latest Crue, Generation Swine.  I turned him onto self titled instead.  Instant fan.

David Lee Roth – Your Filthy Little Mouth.  I played this a shit-ton in the spring of 1995 too.  I don’t know why I like it so much, it’s so cheesey.  Dave does country!  Dave does reggae!  Dave does jazzy loungy stuff!  Dave does VH!  But Dave does write hilarious lyrics, and I did like that.

Van Halen – Any time, any where, any how.   But any time we had a copy of 1984?  Hell yeah!  And you couldn’t keep Best Of Volume I in stock for very long.  Certainly not if you played it.  The first year or two it was out, I probably sold it every time I played it!

Def Leppard – Slang.  Again, much like the Poison and Crue, I was trying to turn new kids onto these classic bands that had explored new directions.  Unfortunately, Slang sold like shit.  I think it was too different for the old fans, and too old for the new fans.

And now let’s talk about Prog rock.  Ashleigh used to call prog music “smart-guy rock”.   That’s one reason why I wanted to play it every shift we shared.  I was trying to show her I was a smart guy, see?

Marillion – Misplaced Childhood.  I played Marillion so frequently, that my co-workers Matty K and Ashleigh knew the words to some songs.  Unfortunately, they didn’t consider that a good thing.

Fish – Kettle of Fish.  See above!

Dream Theater – Images and Words.  This came in so rarely, that when it did you had to play it.  It always sold if you played it.  We had so many musicians and wanna be’s (like me) coming into the store, they inevitably would ask what the fuck is this?  This one kid, a drummer named Curtis, loved Dream Theater.  I sold him his first Dream Theater.  Do you know how cool that is, selling somebody their first Dream Theater?  Curtis is a fantastic musician.  He’s jammed with my sister, actually.

Rush – Moving Pictures.  Like nails on a chalkboard to the girls in the Operations staff.  Could not play this if they were in the city, let alone the store.  But my fuck, what an album.  I remember Tom put a sticker on it that said, “Best album of the 80’s!”.  I thought to myself, “Then I need to hear the whole thing!”  I had never heard “Vital Signs” before.  I am sure Matty K remembers to this day, “Everybody got to evelate from the norm”.

And speaking of Rush!  I did a lot of Canadian themes.  We had a 5 disc changer.  A lot of the time, I would specifically pick 5 Canadian artists to take up a shift.  You’d often hear:

Sloan – 4 Nights at the Palais Royale.  In my opinion one of the top five live albums of all time.  It is also my favourite Sloan album.

Stompin’ Tom Connors – Anything we had in the store would work, as he didn’t come in frequently.  Unfortunately, Stompin’ Tom didn’t fare too well for store play in Kitchener.  Nobody seems to like him in this town.

Rush – duh?

Triumph – ditto.

Kim Mitchell / Max Webster – Another artist our Operations people hated.  I did one entire 5 disc shuffle of nothing but Kim and Max.  Kim was playing in town that day so I was hoping to drum up some sales.  I failed to do so, but I did try.  I was told to remove the Kim and Max from the player.

Helix / Brian Vollmer – I’d play Helix when it was in, which was infrequent.  I remember playing the Brian Vollmer solo album for Kevin, one of the guys that ended up in my wedding party.  I played the song “Good Times Don’t Get Better Than This” in the store.  I thought he would enjoy it.  Unfortunately, he did not.  I believe the words he used were, “This is not good.”  Kevin, I kindly submit that I strongly disagree to this day.

Even more rarely though came the opportunity to play the early stuff, the stuff with Brent Doerner singing lead.  Once — just once — Breaking Loose and White Lace & Black Leather came in.  I’m kicking myself for not buying them.  But when they were in store, I played “Billy Oxygen” on repeat for about 20 minutes.

Oscar Peterson – I only had the opportunity to do that once though.

Voivod – self titled.  The first one with Newsted.  Metallica had come out with St. Anger and a lot of fans didn’t like it.  I tried to sell this, which was more traditionally prog metal like old Metallica.

Incidentally, at the same time,  I was training a new franchisee around that time.  He was amused by how excited I was that the album Angel Rat, by Voivod, had come in, with 3D glasses intact.  I explained that usually these would be missing, but the CD was mint!  And “Clouds In My House” sounded great in-store!

Voivod crosses the boundary from prog into metal (or is it vice versa?), but I certainly did play a lot of metal in the store.

Bruce Dickinson – Balls To Picasso.  I played this virtually every shift during the fall of 1994.  At the time, I thought “Tears of the Dragon” and “Change of Heart” were among the deepest songs I’d ever heard.  Yeah, well.

Iron Maiden – Brave New World.  I love this album.  Matty K knows every word of “Blood Brothers”.

G//Z/R – Plastic Planet.  Easily the heavist thing I have ever played in store.  Even I was uncomfortable!

sHeavy – The Electric Sleep.  Incidentally, the greatest Black Sabbath album that was not made by Black Sabbath.  Every time, people would ask, “Is this the new Ozzy?”  Every time.  You could put money on it.

Judas Priest – Turbo.  It was the only one I could get away with!

Man, those were good times!   I am sure I could write another dozen of these.  I mean, we played a lot of music.  From Esquivel to Brushy One-String to Pansy Division to Jaymz Bee & the Royal Jelly Orchestra, we tried and sampled everything.

Part 1: The Beginning – “Run to the Hills”

 

RECORD STORE TALES PART 1:  The Beginning – “Run To The Hills”

I still remember the first time I heard Iron Maiden.

Maybe it’s this way for some when they remember the first time they heard the Beatles, or the Stones. Or for those younger, maybe it’s like the first time they heard “Smells Like Teen Spirit” or “Fake Plastic Trees”. The first time I heard “Run To The Hills” was monumental to me, but I didn’t realize yet what the massive impact would be.

It was Christmas of 1984. I was a mere 12 year old looking for musical direction.  I hadn’t been much interested in music prior to that.  I had albums by Quiet Riot and Styx, but my majority of my collection was John Williams’ movie soundtracks.

I really wasn’t interested in music yet. I had yet to dedicate myself to any particular style. At the same time that I would listen to Quiet Riot, I somehow also thought Billy Ocean was cool.

Well, the video for “Loverboy” was nifty….

I had always been kinda afraid of heavy metal bands.  Guys that wore spikes, like Judas Priest or Iron Maiden. Kiss literally scared me when I was buying my first comics (there were always ads for Kiss posters inside comic books), and I know I wasn’t the only one. The neighbor kid was scared to death of Gene Simmons spitting up blood. Bands like Maiden and Priest looked like a bunch of hooligans, definitely up to no good, definitely out to hurt people, including kids.

Boxing Day, Bob came over. It was tradition, every Boxing Day, Bob and I would get together and compare our Christmas scores. Bob scored a cassette tape called Masters Of Metal Volume 2 and I was given an Atari game called Snoopy Vs. The Red Baron.

In my basement, we sat down to play the video game. Our goal was to take the game as far as humanly possible, to see what happened when you shot down so many planes that the Atari didn’t have enough characters to display it anymore. (Incidentally, disappointingly, like most Atari games, it just starts counting up from zero again.) We sat there playing that game so long that Bob had to go home and eat lunch, then come back. But what he left behind while eating was Masters Of Metal.

“Run To The Hills” came on. Some people speak of moments of clarity: That was my moment. The music was fast, powerful, dramatic and melodic. The lyrics were cool and you could mostly sing along. Most importantly, the music and lyrics seemed to combine with the game experience. When Dickinson was singing “Run to the hills, run for your lives!” it meshed perfectly!  Too bad Aces High wasn’t out yet!

A moment like that could quickly pass into history and be forgotten for most people.  As the day wore on, I realized that I had found something. This music kicked ass!  I was brought up on movie soundtracks.  This stuff had the same drama, but with guitars!   This was even better than Quiet Riot and AC/DC, so I said at the time.

It didn’t end there of course. We played through Masters Of Metal, finding a few more diamonds. “You’ve Got Another Thing Coming” By Judas Priest was definitely a close second to “Run To The Hills”. We were fixated on Accept’s “Balls To The Wall”.  We’d play it over and over again laughing hysterically at the lyrics.  But the song still rocked!  I can still remember when MuchMusic started the Power Hour, and they played that video.  There’s little Udo Dirkscheider, in his camo pants, and crew cut, rocking with these skinny German guys with long hair.  It was fucking hilarious!

We skipped (what we then thought was) the crap…Lee Aaron, Anvil, Triumph.  I grew into them later, particularly Triumph.  Something to do with double guitars, maybe.  I digress.  We always came back to Iron Maiden.  Always.

Bob would bring other tapes over as the months and years went by. W.A.S.P., Motley Crue, Black Sabbath. Now Bob’s a father of four who doesn’t listen to rock music anymore, which makes me sad in a way.  I’m not sad for him, because he’s got a great family and always has.  I’m more sad because I don’t think he can ever appreciate what impact our shared experiece of rocking out had on me.  Listening to Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, and the rest.  The was it, the beginning.